By B_and_W - France

Tippi Hedren strikes back

Today, I watched a little girl laugh while giving bread to some pigeons at a bus stop. A bus then arrived. All the pigeons moved out of the away, except one. Its head got crushed by a wheel, and some blood splattered onto the little girl's shoes, who then screamed. With laughter. FML

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Sorry…

By Anonymous - United States

Today, after lifting a 20 pound box of oranges for a woman at work, she turned around to say "Your acne needs help." I still had to tell her to have a good day. FML

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By ddhaley1 - United States - Edmond

Today, instead of kissing my child's boo-boo on her finger to make it feel better, I accidentally headbutted her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lewistown

Today, I am sick of watching my friend's dog while she is on vacation. In four days, this dog has shredded my mattress, peed on my couches, chewed my kitchen chairs, and attacked my dog while she slept. My friend won't answer her phone, but she does update Facebook non-stop. Ten days to go. FML

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By anon - United States - Spencer

Today, I found out that my crush of a few years likes me. How? Her boyfriend told me, followed by a punch in the face. FML

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By LoveGlove - Canada - Calgary

You're in the army now, oh ohoh, you're in the army. Now.

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to slip a condom under my pillow at boot camp. The staff found out, I got bitched out for 30 minutes straight, and now I have to put a condom on the grip of any rifle I'm issued for a week. My new callsign is "Love Glove". FML

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By Trew Love - Canada - Fort Saint John

Today, it's my birthday. I called my mom to thank her for the gift she'd sent. She was surprised and said, "Oh I thought you were waiting to open it." She ended the conversation with, "OK, I'll call you on your birthday." FML

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By fuck you, tasha - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my sister felt guilty and told me about the changes she secretly made to my résumé months ago. She'd put "doing your mom" and "corporate espionage" as my hobbies, and "Justin Bieber's pussy waxer" as a previous job. No wonder I'm still unemployed. FML

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By Stuckwiththebill

The show must go on!

Today, during my wedding ceremony, the groom-to-be found it appropriate to blurt out about an ongoing affair with my maid of honor. They got married instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2020 13:58

My new friend

Today, I realized at the train station that every day for a month, I've been waving to a cardboard cut-out of a person in the morning. I thought they were real. They're cardboard. FML

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By Rhianna - Australia

What a massive clock

Today, I was babysitting my younger brother while my parents were away. I turned my back on my brother for one minute and then I heard a huge crash from their room. He had somehow destroyed a family heirloom and 200 year-old clock. FML

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By SatelliteUser - United States

Today, I called my wife to tell her I finally found a job after 6 months. A man answered the phone claiming to be the cable guy. We cut our cable off when I was laid off 6 months ago. FML

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By Damngurl - 28/2/2021 03:01 - United States - Kula

I can't quit you

Today, I scripted-planned and went to quit my job. Instead, I somehow ended up an emotional crying mess during the conversation with my manager - who recommended I get counseling. FML

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By changeddaily - Australia

Today, I was telling my friend how lonely I am on Skype. He responded by deleting me as a friend. FML

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By unfortunate - United States

Today, my father informed me that I was born only because my mom lied about being on birth control. FML

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By Becca - United States - Tampa

Today, while walking to work, I swore I saw one of my old friends from college standing in the park across the street. I started shouting her name and waving my hands like a maniac to get her attention. It was a statue. FML

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By limeiscool

Today, about to fall asleep, a bug started buzzing behind the screen to my window. Losing my sanity, I punched the screen, forgetting all about the glass. I now have a cracked window and one still annoying bug. FML

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By permanently scarred

Today, I was assaulted and knocked out by a girl at school for talking to her boyfriend. I woke up in the emergency room. After she knocked me unconscious, she took a knife and carved her initials into my face. FML

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By iliterallypoopedmyself - Australia

Today, I anxiously waited 8 hours for an important phone call. The phone rang while I was sitting on the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2020 23:02

No more bukkake for you

Today, I was rushed to the emergency room for severe facial rashes. My boyfriend and I then found out I'm allergic to seminal fluid. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Awkward

Today, a neighbour called to say my water tank burst. A colleague followed me home to help, took off his shirt so it wouldn't get wet and climbed through my window to get to the roof. My boyfriend unexpectedly came home as we were emerging from the bedroom. My colleague was still buttoning his shirt up. FML

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By annonoymus - Australia

Today, I was having an in depth discussion with my girlfriends father about how corrupt journalists are and how our town's paper is the worst paper on the planet. After insulting basically everything about the newspaper, I asked him what he did for a living. He's the editor of the newspaper. FML

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By Johntheladdo - United Kingdom

Well?

Today, I heard the four most dreaded words known to man during my first time: "Is it in yet?" It was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Plymouth

Today, I found out that the squeaking I've heard for the past three months, that I thought was my guinea pig, is actually my girlfriend cheating on me with my older brother. FML

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By T___T - United States - Cleveland

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that no, my period arriving several days late doesn't mean I have AIDS. FML

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By indian:( - United States

Today, I realized that I hate lying to my mom about having a boyfriend. FML

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By fmlll - United States

Today, I wanted to be creative. I hid an engagement ring for my girlfriend inside one of her running shoes. I expected her to find it and wake me up, but she didn't. Later, when I asked if there was anything in her shoe, she responded, "There was a rock. I just shook it out outside. Why?" FML

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By Fml37 - Canada

Today, I had to take a taxi to work, because I was pressed for time, and didn't have a ride there. When I got to work, I paid the cab driver, and realized I had spent more money on the cab than I was going to make at work. FML

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By lyssthemiss - United States - Joliet

Today, I was taking a bath after a long day at work. I closed my eyes and listened to music. My cat thought this was the perfect time to come out of his hiding spot and jump in the bath. Once he realized it was filled with water, he freaked out and dug his claws into my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I overheard my mum tell my sister that she should make me a bridesmaid at her wedding. My sister scoffed, "She looks like Shamu, mum. I can't have THAT in my wedding pics." followed by laughter and my mum saying, "Touché." FML

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By Singlelady - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Today, my sister gently asked me if I was gay. Turns out I've been without a boyfriend for so long that the whole family believes I secretly have a girlfriend. FML

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By IngenuityAbsent - Canada - Grimsby

Today, I had a dream where I whacked my head against my shelf. I woke up immediately after, freaked out and whacked my head against my shelf. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2021 11:02

Too Much Information

Today, I found out that my cross-dressing father and my recently deceased mother were having a much more "open" relationship then they'd let on, when the sheriff's department finally gave me mom's phone back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Redlands

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate on the bathroom floor. Somehow my nose managed to start bleeding, so he bent me over the tub and kept going because he didn't want to "ruin the moment". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my cat tried to jump up to the window, and missed. This would have been hilarious if I had not been sleeping under that same window, and then caught him with my face. FML

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By Hm - United States

Today, I found out the love of my life, my husband, is cheating on me. When I confronted him about it, his response was, "Don't blame me, you're the gullible bitch." FML

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By charlieday - United States

Today, my girlfriend asked if she should get birthcontrol, of course I said yes and offered to pay the 55 dollar fee. She got her physical and pills and then dumped me the next day. I basically paid 55 dollars so that she can sleep with other people. FML

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By Ewt - Canada - Victoria

Not a joke!

Today, I found out that my best friend does not wash her hands after going to the bathroom, even if she changes her pad. I then remembered all the times she handed food to me, and teased me when I tried to wash my hands first. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I received a text message from my wife who had gone out for the evening with some girlfriends: "Have to take a friend home, she's drunk! I'll be staying at his place. Call you tomorrow morning." His? FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2020 02:00

Invaded

Today, I put solar lights in my yard to finally figure out what my dog has been chasing over the fence at night. It's rats. She's been chasing rats that have invaded my backyard every night for a month. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2021 14:31 - Australia - Adelaide

Confused

Today, I drunkenly hooked up with a meth dealer I just met online. Of course this occurred at his place, since he's on home detention for drug trafficking - ankle bracelet and all. Worst part? I really liked it. FML

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Top comments

By EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7731262 - Saturday 1 December 2018 19:06

everyone knows little girls are proper evil.

COMMENTS

By EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7731262 - Saturday 1 December 2018 19:06

everyone knows little girls are proper evil.