Animals: Today, in order to try and get over my slight fear of swans,...

By Evil_Angel_90 - 10/09/2013 11:36 - Australia

Today, in order to try and get over my slight fear of swans, I went down to the local park to feed them. One decided that I looked tastier than the bread I was throwing and chased me around the feeding area while everybody laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 959

You deserved it 6 229

Animals

Vulture

Big boss man

Tock follow tick follows tock…

By Samantha Glennie - 13/07/2018 20:30

Today, due to the high pollen count and despite taking hay fever medicine, I passed out in the bathroom from not being able to breathe. My mother accused me of doing it on purpose to make her late for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 622

You deserved it 222

By Danno - 01/01/2009 18:22 - United States

Today, I was playing GTA4 and went on its fake dating site to email a girl to go on a date with. I've never had much luck with dating in real life, so I figured the game would be more kind to me. After a while I went back to check my email, and the fake girl I'd propositioned told me to get lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 840

You deserved it 7 372

By Beefy Man - 13/05/2016 07:33 - United States - Lehi

Today, I spent eight hours cutting, curing, and aligning on the racks, six months worth of beef to be dried for some tasty jerky, only to find out my dehydrator is broken beyond repair, and would cost as much to fix as the soon-to-spoil meat that I bought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 402

You deserved it 1 888

The luck of the draw

By bl3ur0z3 - 30/09/2019 00:01

Today, my supervisor was in a leadership meeting pulling random calls for quality. Mine was chosen. He got excited and told them my stats and how I put him to shame with how I drive my team, that I'm the best and this call is going to be amazing. I was then written up for arguing with a customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 514

You deserved it 366

By badmom - 10/06/2009 18:09 - Canada

Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door, "Are you jacking off in there or something?" and him scream back at her "Shut up you fucking cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML

I agree, your life sucks 134 720

You deserved it 80 427

Toxic workplace

By Anonymous - 19/04/2021 01:00 - United States - Cabot

Today, I quit my job because I wasn't given the time or space to pump for my newborn child. I went back to work 4 weeks postpartum, and they suggested I pump in the bathroom, my car or the freezer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 013

You deserved it 186

By anon - 23/03/2015 02:24 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was playing with my 3-year-old nephew when he suddenly got up and ran to his mom to tell her I was "touching in bad spots". I was tickling his armpits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 248

You deserved it 2 905

By atomwolf - 09/12/2016 17:01 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I wanted to work out the volume of my penis and did so on the first piece of paper I could find on my desk. After I finished the calculations I realized that the other side of the paper was in fact my school report. It's the only copy I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 981

You deserved it 11 953

By No Nip - 25/04/2019 12:00

Today, I was making breakfast with my parrot on my shoulder. He was excited about the food, and in his rush to climb down to the counter, bit through my nipple. I had to get stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 910

You deserved it 458

Thanks for the support

By Anonymous - 08/08/2021 14:01

Today, I told my mother-in-law that I was going through postpartum depression and was put on a antidepressant to help. Her response was, "Great, now we have a pill head in the family." FML

I agree, your life sucks 956

You deserved it 88

By Anonymous - 10/11/2009 19:18 - United States

Today, I got a new CD player for my car and an alarm installed for added security. After work, I saw my windows smashed, the CD player gone, the alarm wires cut, and a note that said, "Try again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 051

You deserved it 2 704

By Anonymous - 27/03/2016 14:36 - United States

Today, I got my phone back after bringing it in to get a crack in the screen repaired. The crack is fixed, but now the touch screen doesn't work and it won't connect to the Internet. I essentially paid to have my phone broken even more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 280

You deserved it 1 833

By jessica - 02/02/2011 20:59 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he stopped, got off, walked into the kitchen grabbed a doughnut, and came back to finish while he ate it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 236

You deserved it 7 437

By Skier - 29/01/2010 02:01 - Canada

Today, I was skiing really fast and there was a sign saying 'Slow Down'. Feeling rather good about myself I decided to jump over the sign. Whilst jumping, however, I caught my ski tips on the sign and went face first into the ground. Hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 222

You deserved it 55 404

By Tara115 - 09/02/2014 07:20 - Canada - Courtenay

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't think he should marry me, because I have kids. They're his kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 015

You deserved it 7 558

Consent

By jon - 31/08/2012 21:31 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I thought I'd be spontanous and spice things up, and gave her a spank across the butt. She started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 618

You deserved it 18 011

By Aphrodite - 23/01/2010 21:13 - France

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, when the Taco Bell I'd eaten for lunch came back up for round two. Undigested rice and beans got stuck in his hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 075

You deserved it 7 703

By poop - 06/02/2011 18:26 - United States

Today, I asked my ex-boyfriend how things were going since our breakup. We broke up because he admitted he was questioning his sexuality, and wanted to play for the other team. He took the conversation as an opportunity to talk about his new, amazing girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 811

You deserved it 4 725

By bubbles - 12/10/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I was taking a bubble bath, and had my iPod touch on the side of my bathtub so I could listen to my music. My dog walked up to the side of the tub, looked me in the eye, and nudged my iPod into the water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 968

You deserved it 55 611

By badnewsbears - 21/10/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, I was sitting in the cafeteria when one of my friends yelled out "Jake is uncircumcised!" as a joke. The girl I have a crush on was sitting at the table behind me and turned around and asked if it was true. I said yes, she responded with "wow, hope I never have to see that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 951

You deserved it 4 394

By welly223 - 20/01/2011 06:01 - Canada

Today, I was chosen by my coworkers to explain to my elderly boss that ''tossing the salad'' isn't another expression for saying ''brainstorming''. She didn't believe me. Guess we will all keep ''tossing the salad'' for new ideas each afternoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 064

You deserved it 3 271

By HR - 16/12/2011 21:13 - United States

Today, I had two of my wisdom teeth removed. One side of my face is completely swollen, and the other is normal. I feel like the elephant man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 835

You deserved it 4 216

By rawdoglyfe69 - 17/04/2013 06:14 - United States - Helena

Today, I learned two things. First, my girlfriend loves sex. Second, I'm practically the only one she hasn't had sex with in the 2 months we've been dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 398

You deserved it 6 063

Romance is dead

By xlees - 18/08/2021 10:01 - New Zealand

Today, it was my last day with my boyfriend before he went back to Germany. He lovingly said to me, "I will never find another girl like you. Unless I rip off her leg and tear out her eye." I’m an amputee, and was born with a blind eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 009

You deserved it 81

By Anonymous - 02/04/2012 05:01 - United States - Portland

Today, I came home from work to find a burglar in my house. He then said that he was just leaving, and went back out of the broken window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 813

You deserved it 2 392

By d4rkxf0x - 22/07/2014 15:54 - United States - Lindale

Today, I found the iPod touch that my mother claimed was stolen at the mall a few years ago, lying on her bed, still logged in to her Facebook. Thanks, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 000

You deserved it 4 207

By edot - 16/01/2010 03:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to see John Mayer. Being 6'2", I didn't think there would be any trouble seeing the stage, until three 6'6" men stood directly in front of me, pissed in a cup and managed to spill it over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 373

You deserved it 4 755

Not a sheep, just taking their medication

By Anonymous - 26/08/2021 08:01

Today, I found out that my mom was one those people who willingly takes random doses of livestock dewormer to "fight Covid" instead of getting vaccinated, when she called me from the hospital after poisoning herself with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 131

You deserved it 97

By DocShadow - 03/12/2013 17:33 - United States - New York

Today, my 4-year-old daughter stood up to a bully in the mall. I was the one who was getting bullied. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 579

You deserved it 8 803

By oxymorons - 05/09/2011 21:37 - United States

Today, I checked the camera I set up to find out who has been stealing my prescription painkillers: my wife, my daughter or my son. Turns out they all are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 423

You deserved it 3 128

We're all in hell

By Looking4AnApartment - 16/02/2021 15:30 - United States - Bellmore

Today, it's the third day in a row my roommate has woken me up with blasting music, after keeping me up late listening to him screaming into his Xbox headset. His kids ate the last of my food. I can't even take a shit without one of them barging in. His whole fucking family is a walking condom commercial. FML

I agree, your life sucks 916

You deserved it 123

By -_- - 28/07/2013 22:58 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I did a photoshoot with my boyfriend and his buddy. We drove out to the countryside and set up on top of a hill. My boyfriend kept having me move further and further back. I eventually fell and rolled down the steep hill, while he and his buddy high-fived each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 696

You deserved it 7 533

By mszoe - 01/03/2015 06:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was checking the family's computer history, and found that "Shrek Porn" had been searched multiple times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 104

You deserved it 3 578

By Tom - 25/11/2010 13:28

Today, a car hit me. I didn't get hurt, but someone called 911. The old woman who had hit me got out of the car with no problem to look at me, and gets back into the car. When the police arrive, she pulls out crutches and said I made strange faces and made her hit me. I got blamed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 099

You deserved it 2 566

By cjd - 23/03/2012 14:23 - Canada - Montreal

Today, in health class we were watching a documentary about anxiety. My teacher asked if any of us often feel anxious. I was too anxious to raise my hand, and went into a minor panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 364

You deserved it 4 786

By Anonymous - 15/04/2013 02:11 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend chooses extra shifts at work over hanging out with me. Every time. She doesn't even like her job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 348

You deserved it 6 223

By sister_woes - 09/10/2010 06:36 - United States

Today, I didn't have my key, so my sister told me to call her to let me in. I called, no answer. I waited for 15 minutes and then called my dad complaining about her, still being outside. She popped her out the window and yelled, "Don't talk about me, bitch!" and wouldn't open the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 989

You deserved it 4 583

By FFFFF- - 02/03/2011 17:12 - Singapore

Today, my girlfriend's best friend told me she was in hospital after having made a suicide attempt. In shock, I had a panic attack and ended up in the hospital myself. Turns out it was all a lie to see whether or not I was committed to the relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 997

You deserved it 5 175

By combo - 28/02/2010 09:12 - France

Today, I was chatting with my boyfriend and his mates barefoot on the grass. I suddenly felt something flick across my feet, so I let out a startled scream. Turns out it was my toe hairs rustling in the breeze. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 954

You deserved it 27 461

By fuckmyjob - 19/06/2014 20:10 - United States - Lake Charles

Today, at my first day working at Walmart, a customer asked if we have any egg cookers. I said I wasn't sure, but that I'd be "eggstatic" to go ask for him. The first clue I got to suggest he hated puns was him yelling "Don't get smart with me, boy!" and then threatening to kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 944

You deserved it 10 144

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Top comments

dweeds508 24

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 16:03

At least you tried to overcome your fear. Don't listen to the people who laughed at you.

DocBastard 38

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 16:05

Swans have long necks, so they're very easy to strangle. They're also delicious when served over pasta.

dweeds508 24

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 16:03

At least you tried to overcome your fear. Don't listen to the people who laughed at you.

Little4Bear 10

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 16:13

Exactly OP, you tried :) you'll probably never even see those people again.

ViRepz 28

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 16:33

Everyone knows everyone in Australia!

alicexo_fml 8

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 19:07

Why would you try to face your fear of swans? You probably don't interact with them that often. I don't see how it would interfere with daily life and therefore be significant enough to be proactive about. You basically just went to the park to scare yourself.

chlorinegreen 27

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 19:27

Really 52? She went to scare herself? Maybe she lives by a lake where swans are frequent visitors, or maybe she just wanted to not be scared of something anymore. It's called facing your fears for a reason.

SwaggCapone 11

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 22:58

As bad as it sounds, I would've laughed myself. Watching a swan chase somebody has got to be funny

girlbye23 15

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 1:10

At least your sister didn't take advantage of your fear to get herself tickets.

CrazyJ716 18

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 16:04

I like the taste of humans over bread too!

AnOriginalName 19

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 19:19

I like your profile pic, bro.

sunnyray812 42

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 16:04

Birds aren't always so nice.

AnOriginalName 19

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 19:20

Especially in Australia. Everything down there is trying to kill you!

CrazyJ716 18

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 5:34

Woah dude. Lookin sexy in that picture

AnOriginalName 19

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 5:52

Same to you, 76! I commented that I liked your profile pic on your comment up there ^ but it got deleted. FMC. (Fuck my comments.)

Queensland 27

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 7:05

You all think koalas are cute and cuddly... Til you meet their twin species. Never go here. Drop bears long for the taste of tourists.

Queensland 27

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 16:04

That'swan unfortunate situation.

The_9th_Doctor 18

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 18:21

Booo. that was bad. I would have said the same.

FluxPavilion 6

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 21:13

So it was bad, but still you would've said it? Butthurt much?

hockey7468 7

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 23:13

Dem stupid puns

DocBastard 38

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 16:05

Swans have long necks, so they're very easy to strangle. They're also delicious when served over pasta.

AprylAnn 23

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 5:53

Lololololol

blackonblight 32

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Thursday 12 September 2013 14:37

Yeah but they can break a grown man's arm with their wings. Also, have you taken a look at those beaks? Hint: not. nice.

MoronsAccount1 12

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 16:06

I'm assuming a swan has tried to attack your before, since it's a fear. It's okay though, OP. I heard swans were mean as hell, so why even bother? It's not an animal you have to associate with like a pet, so just do your best to stay away.

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 19:03

They are mean as hell. Fuckers will chase you down. My grandma laughed her ass off at my brother and I running away from them when we were young. I learned just to grab them by the neck and give them a toss. They'll come back but if you hold your ground they'll eventually stop attacking. God damn swans..

chlorinegreen 27

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 19:29

Swans are freakin mean! I use to think geese were the ones to be scared of but even the geese are scared of swans. Not to mention that swans are HUGE!

babe7260 30

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 16:07

I'm so scared of birds, when I was 6 a 20 lb Turkey knocked me down and jumped on top of me.......Asshole bird

allie2590 30

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 16:52

Haha the turkey must've thought you looked like a dinner table!

stormchaser24 24

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 16:10

I don't blame you, I was chased by a very angry mother turkey one time. I was out in my garden and saw what I thought was a bird on the ground. I got closer, next thing I know mama turkey is chasing me.

Pstraka6 20

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 16:11

It takes a lot of balls to stand up yo your fears, To be truthful if they ran at me I'd probably run away like a school girl too,, so don't knock yourself over about it! You'll be feed geese and large birds in no time