Health: Today, I was walking in the park when I was hit on the shin by... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 212

You deserved it 24

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 490

You deserved it 133

26/10/2009 16:24

Today, I was walking in the park when I was hit on the shin by a red ball. I was confused, until it was followed by an enormous German Shepherd dog going at top speed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 301

You deserved it 2 640

Best teeth in the game

Thanks Texas

Nepotism rules

08/03/2015 21:49

Today, I sent a picture to my best friend of the shoes I want to wear to prom. She replied, "Wow those are so unique". I guess she forgot that last week she told me she only uses the word unique when she hates something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 800

You deserved it 3 129

25/11/2015 01:01

Today, my mother refused to buy a cat because my sister is allergic to them. She bought a rabbit instead. I'm allergic to rabbits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 286

You deserved it 1 504

03/08/2019 16:00

Today, my mom found me staring at my puppy's butthole. She'd also been standing there for 5 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 531

You deserved it 1 893

16/07/2016 02:08

Today, an elderly patient complained because I used the words "vaginal" and "breast". I work at an OBGYN's office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 920

You deserved it 771

Creepypasta

By mrsekko - 31/05/2011 12:44

Today, my daughter called for me to come into the bathroom. Turns out the tummy ache she'd been complaining of was actually parasites in her digestive tract. I could swear they were looking at me from the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 757

You deserved it 5 275

08/04/2016 04:16

Today, while driving, a spider crawled onto my gearstick. Not being afraid of them, I casually flicked it off. Onto the person sitting next to me. The person evaluating me for my driving test at the time, who happened to be arachnophobic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 129

You deserved it 4 457

23/11/2018 14:00

Today, as I was fueling my truck, I was asked out to dinner by a 65-year-old retiree. I'm 25. He stormed off and called me a bitch for politely turning him down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 945

You deserved it 266

23/09/2013 17:54

Today, at my job as a fourth grade teacher, I realized that most of my students have far nicer and more expensive phones than I can afford. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 337

You deserved it 3 845

Mr. Smooth

By funkmylife69 - 23/09/2019 06:06

Today, I made out with the guy I've had a huge crush on for the first time. He wrapped his arms around me, and whispered softly into my ear, "I can't wait to bone you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 508

You deserved it 444

08/12/2009 02:14

Today, the "hot" guy I've been talking to for a few weeks sent me a picture. He was very overweight and not good looking at all. He then followed up with, "Now send me one of you so I can prove to all of my friends that you're real." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 832

You deserved it 39 882

06/12/2012 11:30

Today, I got punched in the face after a stranger asked for a light, didn't realize it was a butane lighter and burnt the tip of his nose lighting his cigarette. Now my nose looks worse than his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 783

You deserved it 3 395

01/06/2018 19:00

Today, I was finally confident enough to buzz half my hair off into the style I've wanted since I was young. Turns out that I have a particularly large and angry-looking skin problem across my scalp that may well have been there for years. It'll take months to grow back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 331

You deserved it 818

27/06/2013 15:17

Today, my fiancée decided to go on a "vacation." Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 792

You deserved it 4 042

12/12/2014 01:17

Today, I noticed that I'm way more productive when I'm drinking than when I'm not. I think I just figured out why I'm related to so many alcoholics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 038

You deserved it 3 424

02/09/2015 09:20

Today, some friends got upset with me as I wouldn't leave work early and cycle 12 miles to meet them to fix their punctures because they had no spare tubes or repair kits. The same friends that always mock me for being so prepared on bike rides. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 825

You deserved it 1 705

01/12/2011 07:00

Today, I turned 21. It's also the day I learned how it feels to have my foot and leg set on fire by a drunken idiot who thought it was a great idea to splash lighter fluid into an open-pit bonfire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 592

You deserved it 2 704

17/06/2013 04:33

Today, my daughter had ice cream while I was napping. She didn't want me to know so she put the bowl in the trashcan and put the spoon in the garbage disposal and turned it on, because she thought it would make the spoon disappear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 749

You deserved it 5 702

Packed in

By BackHurts - 16/07/2021 00:01

Today, I paid $140 extra to get more comfort during a flight. The man behind me was so tall that his legs didn't let me recline the seat, and complained every time I tried to during the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 717

You deserved it 193

Too real

By ann - 05/06/2021 14:00

Today, my daughter complained that she no longer wanted to talk about poop, as it grosses her out. This is a girl who can eat a rare steak while watching a guy’s arms get hacked off on TV, but poop is where she draws the line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 444

You deserved it 694

08/10/2012 15:08

Today, I found out that my mom gives my brother tips on how to hurt my feelings the most. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 390

You deserved it 2 302

05/06/2010 23:49

Today, my dad found and read my diary. Most of the entries were about how my father didn't respect my privacy. Then he phoned my aunt and read her passages from it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 750

You deserved it 3 892

07/09/2010 23:27

Today, I had a job interview. The moment I walked into the room, the interviewer said "Ok, I will interview you, but there is no way I'm hiring you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 160

You deserved it 4 189

07/06/2018 01:30

Today, I found out my friend and I have the same due date and the same baby daddy. It's my boyfriend of 9 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 243

You deserved it 406

30/06/2014 01:25

Today, after working the night shift, I accidentally left my iPod at the office. I woke up later and went on Facebook. To my dismay, I saw some coworker had posted stuff on my wall, such as, "I really have to take a shit!" and "Yes, my tits are real!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 945

You deserved it 11 984

25/08/2013 16:23

Today, I was driving down a one-way street, when some raging dumbass came screaming the wrong way down the road at me. My instant reaction was to brake and give the guy a chance to do the same. His instant reaction was to keep going and wreck my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 938

You deserved it 3 050

18/11/2014 05:35

Today, I went out to get milk from the garage fridge for my mom. The moment I stepped out, my foot settled on the neighbor's boa, who likes to escape. After my mom finally opened the door to my frantic shouting, she spotted the snake, slammed the door, and locked both of us outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 292

You deserved it 2 926

23/03/2015 15:43

Today, my teacher took my test along with another student's and gave us both a zero. Why? Because we both have colds so when we breathe through our nose it makes a sniffle noise. She thought we were using a secret code to communicate by sniffling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 079

You deserved it 2 606

10/02/2012 00:09

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend of three months told me he's going to get tested for STDs, because he's worried about a previous partner. I'm grateful for his thoughtfulness, but I'd be even more grateful if we hadn't already slept together several times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 608

You deserved it 7 241

20/09/2013 16:30

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my daughter shaving the testicles of her boyfriend, who had apparently snuck in through her window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 895

You deserved it 6 083

13/02/2012 00:01

Today, my parents were out, so I lit up my first ever joint. I got so stoned out of my mind that when my dad came back home and asked what the smell was, I said a stray cat had left an upper-decker in the toilet. He found the joint in my room, and now I'm grounded for the rest of the school year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 760

You deserved it 82 571

16/04/2009 21:36

Today, I was petsitting for my neighbor's new puppy. A huge thunderstorm came, and the puppy started whining and shivering violently. I pulled it into my lap to try and comfort it. One loud clap of thunder later, and the puppy had explosive diarrhea all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 92 695

You deserved it 9 044

Armed and not dangerous

By littledonny - 12/05/2017 18:00

Today, I went to school wearing the same jacket I had gone hiking in the previous day. When I found out that I had left my 2" pocket knife in the pocket I immediately turned it in to the front office. They promptly had me arrested for bringing a weapon on campus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 940

You deserved it 1 260

29/03/2009 13:38

Today, I got a chance to have dinner and a movie with a girl I've liked for a while. I ran late, so in a hurry to make the movie, and trying to be smooth for her, I told the waiter I'd "take care of him" if he made it fast. He did. When he brought the check, I realized I had forgotten my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 274

You deserved it 64 163

Dammit

By Lvdkinda - 18/06/2009 18:34

Today, after a month of planning, I started to tease my boyfriend of 3 years about the wonderful anniversary plans I had made for us. It was a secret, so I let him try and guess. He said "As long as its not a spa day. that would suck I would never go." It's a spa day. That I've already paid for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 279

You deserved it 26 345

27/11/2011 01:51

Today, I fractured my finger setting up a rat trap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 786

You deserved it 13 576

Psycho

By Anonymous - 12/10/2011 05:14

Today, I was on a drive with my uncle. We saw a dead deer on the side of the road and expressed our pity for it. Then a squirrel runs across the road and my uncle swerves toward the squirrel, laughing hysterically and yelling, "Run rodent run." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 539

You deserved it 4 209

Look who's talking

By Anonymous - 10/09/2021 18:01

Today, my ex asked me to help her with a payment for a loan she had to pay, which she'd forgot she had to pay. I told her I needed to go to bank, and was busy at the moment. She told me that I needed to be more organized in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 995

You deserved it 145

Considerate

By Anonymous - 21/08/2009 14:20

Today, my mother told me she's disappointed in me for not going to a better college, and that if I was in the top ten of my class that the rest of those ten must be really dumb. Fact is, I threw away the acceptance letters to Carnegie Mellon and Cornell because I didn't want her to have to pay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 014

You deserved it 42 547

12/06/2012 11:58

Spicy

Today, my grandmother saw me for the first time in years. "Not all your clothes have to be as tight as condoms, you tramp," is probably the nicest greeting she's ever given me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 173

You deserved it 9 086

21/02/2012 19:24

Today, my sculpture, which is very important for my art grade, fell from my desk and broke to pieces. My art teacher suggested I soak the parts in water to make it easier to stick them back together. They dissolved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 452

You deserved it 3 559

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Monday 26 October 2009 19:33

Awesome. This actually made me laugh. not really an FML though.

EChan 1

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Monday 26 October 2009 21:01

I couldn't figure out why a ball was getting bigger and bigger as it was coming towards me. Then it hit me.

Comments

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Monday 26 October 2009 19:30

So a doggie was chasing his ball. So what?

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Monday 26 October 2009 20:01

im not finding this funny.... or a FML

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 1:05

Air bud must be staring in a new role?

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Monday 26 October 2009 19:32

so did u get knocked over and fall into a trash can or what? please, don't leave us hanging! pfft...

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Monday 26 October 2009 19:33

Awesome. This actually made me laugh. not really an FML though.

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Thursday 12 April 2012 6:34

Oh trust me, thats an FML alright. I have a German Shepard, and when she runs into you, it hurts, a lot.

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Monday 26 October 2009 19:34

I love the way this one was categorised >_>

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Wednesday 2 March 2011 20:31

haha good one.

perdix 29

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Monday 26 October 2009 19:39

You should seriously avoid big dogs' red balls.

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Monday 26 October 2009 22:20

^THIS. Anyways, I hope you didn't get hurt.

HairyPunisher 27

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Saturday 2 June 2012 4:53

No shit dumb ass.

herpaderpaherp 17

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Wednesday 28 August 2013 4:35

Clifford better watch his ass

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Monday 26 October 2009 19:40

you got to play with a puppy? who doesnt love doggies? Not FML

OptimusVader 23

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Tuesday 11 February 2014 15:24

I'm pretty sure it isn't fun to have a very large and heavy dog barrel into your legs and knock you to the ground when completely unaware of it about to happen.

Witchcraft_fml 4

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Monday 26 October 2009 19:50

Here, boy!

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Monday 26 October 2009 19:53

first one to make me laugh in a long time

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Monday 26 October 2009 19:53

Accidents can happen to anyone, but it helps to keep an eye on your surroundings. Also, try using MLIA instead.

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Monday 26 October 2009 20:11

Ouch, that must have hurt... I know how those shepherd dogs can get overenthousiastic sometimes XD Did he bite you in the face?