Today, I was walking down the street, when I slipped and fell...

By This girl - 19/12/2011 18:01 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street, when I slipped and fell on a patch of ice. It wasn't all that embarrassing, until I walked two more feet and slipped again. The second time, a man pulled over and loudly asked if I was drunk. FML

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Miscellaneous

Cold-blooded old times

The best cat

Does it taste good?

By Anonymous - 3/7/2013 20:56 - United States - Arlington

Today, I returned home from an extended vacation only to find out my cousin wasn't kidding when he said he was going to steal my boyfriend. I thought I was dating a straight guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2014 21:38 - Slovenia - Domzale

Today, I decided to be nice and pay a visit to my grandma. We ended up playing Scrabble. In between passing wind that smelled like rotting eggs, she kept playing the filthiest words she could, and yelled at me whenever I checked to see if they were in the Scrabble dictionary. FML

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By Steve - 24/2/2011 19:32 - United States

Today, I put aftershave on my fingers to encourage myself to stop biting my nails. I absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. It burnt like hell. FML

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By Username - 21/4/2011 13:55

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he was growing a mustache, as he had whiskers. He looked at me and said "No, but apparently you are." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2009 00:39 - United States

Today, I was performing in the musical 'Cabaret'. I was playing a Nazi soldier, swastika armband and all. Someone thought it would be funny to take my real clothes while I was on stage. I had to walk a mile back my house with my costume on. Someone threw eggs at me. FML

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By unloved cat owner - 16/2/2014 00:50 - United States - Carmichael

Today, out of boredom, I built my cat a little fort. Later, I decided to crawl inside to pet her, but as soon as I stuck my head in, she clawed me. I guess I'm not allowed in, then. FML

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By Coolkid. - 14/6/2009 17:53 - United States

Today, I was accidentally tagged in a photo of a group of people by a 'friend' on Facebook. She later corrected it, apparently everyone had already seen the tag and decided that the comment box below was a great opportunity to discuss how none of them would ever be caught dead hanging out with me. FML

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By Grrrrr - 1/3/2009 00:50 - United States

Today, after working for my company for 10 years, my co-workers threw me a farewell party. The boss gave quite an eloquent speech, ending in "we're really gonna miss you Mark." My name is Evan. FML

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By CrazyBitch - 4/4/2013 08:20 - United States - Palo Alto

Today, my girlfriend said that while she was playing volleyball, her whole life flashed before her eyes. According to her grandmother, my girlfriend is now psychic. She completely believes it. FML

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By sninapeters - 22/12/2011 05:31 - United States

Today, I realized that I've been intentionally causing arguments with my husband because the spare bed is more comfortable. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2016 04:22 - United States - Lewisville

Today, while working at my new job at a surgery center, I noticed how odd it was that the room began to smell like fried chicken. I thought it smelt pretty good, until I learned it was actually the smell of someone getting their ear cauterized. I enjoyed the smell of someone's burning ear flesh. FML

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By Need To Bathe In Deodorant - 17/7/2016 19:23 - United Kingdom - Egham

Today, it's so insanely hot that no matter how often I shower or use deodorant the smell of my armpits makes me feel physically sick. FML

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By fatgirl4 - 20/7/2009 23:31 - United States

Today, I was at the gym running with intensity on the treadmill. As I was working out, I noticed a few guys behind me staring at me. I figured they were checking me out because I was losing some weight and looking better. Turns out they were betting on how much longer "Fat Ass" could last. FML

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By Female_Lucifer - 20/10/2013 13:02 - United States - New Lebanon

Today, my father was taking pictures of my friend and me as we got ready for homecoming. After the pictures were taken, he offered to show us. He scrolled one picture too far and ended up showing us a picture of his penis. FML

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By Depressed - 17/5/2016 23:16 - United States - Collierville

Today, I got a call from the head of my school dance committee saying that the dance was cancelled and the services originally hired were still expecting to be paid. The reason the dance got cancelled? One of the girls on the committee's parents wouldn't let her buy her dream dress. FML

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By ohtheirony - 22/9/2014 01:27

Today, the man who hit on me in a store and asked for my number showed up on my doorstep to inquire about my couch for sale. With his wife. FML

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By Loser - 12/8/2017 03:30 - Australia - Adelaide

Beep Beep Who's Got the Keys to the Jeep

Today, I lost my keys while at the supermarket. I franticly back-tracked through the store, asking everyone I saw along the way. They eventually showed up, right where I left them... in my unattended car, the engine still running. There was an announcement made over the PA system. FML

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By nmaidkieavg - 25/1/2011 06:13

Today, I got pulled over for a traffic violation. Thinking I could get away with it, I spoke with a French accent. The officer then asked me a question in perfect French. I got a ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2010 17:09 - United States

Today, I was playing hide and seek with a few friends. I hid in the bathroom, under the sink in a cabinet. I ended up having to sit there quiet as a mouse while my grandfather took an incredibly long and vile dump. I was too afraid to move. Let's just say he didn't rush it. FML

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By Eyesore - 16/4/2009 21:27 - United States

Today, I was walking back to my home in the city in the dark. I'm paranoid, so when I saw movement behind me I clutched my mace. The faster I walked, the closer the person seemed to be. I spun around and sprayed my attacker with mace. It was my shadow and the wind blew the mace back into eyes. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend $20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML

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By VoiceMail - 9/4/2011 12:53 - Australia

Today, when I picked up my repeat subscription of anti-anxiety medication, they had changed the packaging to be more 'child safe'. Now it's so hard to get the pills out that I had an anxiety attack trying to take one. FML

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By lizann - 3/4/2012 05:39 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, for the second time this week, I had to ask my 27-year-old husband to stop peeing on the toilet seat. FML

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By kjdhfakjs - 20/5/2010 18:32 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he started pretending he was a dog. This included barking, licking my face, and scratching his ears. FML

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By zero_minded12 - 21/5/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I was at the mall blasting music. I was wearing a nice shirt, and had my iPod in my breast pocket. I noticed a cute girl smiling at me, so I smiled back and as she started to walk over, I turned down my music while smiling. It looked like I was rubbing my nipple. FML

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By beer guy - 1/12/2010 05:12

Today, I got punched in the back by elderly woman because she thought I was mocking the way she walked as I passed her. I was walking funny because I have a brace-boot on my foot due to the fact that it got run over. FML

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By collegegirl90 - 9/3/2009 20:52 - United States

Today, my best friend resolved things with her boyfriend after he had admitted to cheating on her. I felt really guilty because I drunkenly hooked up with her boyfriend last month. She said, "I felt better when he told me that the girl was extremely ugly and bad in bed." FML

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By OptMouse - 14/4/2015 11:50 - Denmark - Lyngby

Today, my supervisor forced me to bring the image of a failed simulation to the group meeting, because he thought it looked funny. So did the others and it's now going on our webpage. I have to provide a scientific description of how I made a mistake in my code. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2010 01:53 - United States

Today, I was loading a very large box into my hatchback. I was really struggling, and a few people walked by and laughed. Then a car pulled up and waited for the spot. There isn't a spring to hold my trunk open, so it slammed onto my head. Twice. The car honked for me to hurry up. FML

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By Damnit - 17/11/2011 18:11 - United States

Today, I realized that in my relationship with my significant other, the roles are switched. We went out for a nice dinner, I paid, and when we got home he "had a headache" and asked for an aspirin so he could go to sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2009 22:40 - United States

Today, I was on the bus going to formal for my sorority. I was sitting in the 5th row of the bus when I felt raindrops on my face coming through the open window. I then realized it wasn't raining, but the girl in the 1st row was throwing up out her window and it was coming back in through my window. FML

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By Flicker - 14/5/2009 07:23 - Australia

Today, my football club gave us all jerseys with our last names on them. My last name is 'Flicker'. The letters are all in uppercase. And the 'L' and the 'I' are joined together at the bottom. My jersey reads 'FUCKER'. FML

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By fretting - 8/9/2016 17:02 - United States - Fort White

Today, my co-worker, who used to be in a frat with me in college, decided to tell all my coworkers as well as my boss all the stupid things I did in college, starting with the time a girl stole my clothes and I had to walk across campus naked. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2018 19:00

Today, I fell asleep on the couch and my boyfriend thought it would be cute to carry me to bed. He knocked my head on the door frame and I pretended it didn't hurt because he felt so bad, but I shouldn't have. I was rushed to the hospital hours later with a concussion. FML

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By Amber - 10/1/2010 17:17 - United States

Today, I realized why my bathroom has been smelling so bad. My 10-year-old son has been peeing on the radiator, thinking it's fun to watch it steam and sizzle. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2011 08:09 - France

Today, my cat died while walking around the kitchen. He had a heart attack when the toaster popped out two slices of bread. FML

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By crazycat - 13/5/2011 16:23 - Canada

Today, in the early hours of the morning, my cat started scratching at my legs. I got out of bed and he raced me to the stairs, tripping me. I fell all the way down and landed in cat poop. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2015 01:15 - United States - Mountain View

Today, at a public restroom, I caught my extremely eco-friendly daughter, who was on her period, looking through the trash. When I asked why, she said, "Because I'm looking for pads to use. It'll mean less garbage." I then had to lecture her in the public restroom about health and hygiene. FML

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By Hormones apparently - 8/12/2015 02:32 - United States - Westerville

Today, I was so inexplicably horny that I had to shuffle awkwardly and use my bag to hide the wetness of my pants as I left work for the day. FML

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By kb123 - 5/5/2019 20:00

Today, I'm visiting my wife's home country for the first time. To avoid the spicy street food, I bought something labelled "Fruit salad" from a street vendor. I didn't know even Pakistani fruit salad can be very spicy too. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#3757440 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:33

Don't drink and walk.

By Torva_fml | 16

#3757456 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:35

Where you drunk, or are you just clumsy?

Comments

By DocBastard | 38

#3757440 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:33

Don't drink and walk.

n_epic_fail | 14

#3757557 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:45

Just admit to being drunk...

Torva_fml | 16

#3757593 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:50

Well I can't drive home, what do you suggest I do? Do cart wheels all the way home?!?

The_Troller | 14

#3757610 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:52

Hop on one foot?

Torva_fml | 16

#3757642 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:55

I've decided, I'll skip with both hands tied behind my back. So when I slip... I have to use my intoxicated brain to figure out how to stand up! I've already planned a perfect night.

DayAndNite | 8

#3757689 - Monday 19 December 2011 23:01

Come at me. I'll defend this comment to the death!

VorpikeII | 17

#3758013 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 0:42

Don't walk and drink. =P

graham11 | 14

#3758031 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 0:46

20- your comment made me laugh out loud. It you can't get up, just slide along the ground like an inch worm. Slowly but steadily will do the trick!

DocBastard | 38

#3758210 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 1:09

DayAndNite - quit trollin', son.

philipino | 24

#3758877 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 3:55

I've caught the derpies! *gets shot*

BayleeWasHere | 1

#3759680 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 7:22

Wow

CanWeMicrowaveIt | 11

#3770977 - Thursday 22 December 2011 11:29

21 needs to learn not to drink and comment

GroovyGravy | 7

#3772986 - Thursday 22 December 2011 22:48

I got some roller-skates if that helps

stuffhappens223 | 7

#3854544 - Monday 9 January 2012 8:02

Win

By Torva_fml | 16

#3757456 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:35

Where you drunk, or are you just clumsy?

Torva_fml | 16

#3757525 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:40

I completely blame auto correct! I meant were, but made a typo, and it changed it to where.

LifesJusGreat | 7

#3759826 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:03

I was to drunk to notice

deadeyedex | 6

#3761374 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 17:01

It was ice I'm sure you'll slip too

By giantsfan2010 | 23

#3757463 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:36

Well, were you?

By ajpopoca88 | 3

#3757490 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:38

at least it wasnt a cop.

By wooley29 | 8

#3757492 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:38

Ouch! Might be time to buy better shoes.

By baseballplaya5 | 7

#3757493 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:38

That's funny af!

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#3757507 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:39

This is why women shouldn't leave the kitchen ;) also cuz I'm hungry, get to work!

By abbybailey204 | 19

#3757523 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:40

That's when u show him your not drunk by pulling him out of his truck and pounding his face in

The_Troller | 14

#3757630 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:54

Did somebody forget to take his happy pill today?

graham11 | 14

#3758024 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 0:44

8- how would that make the cop think OP isn't drunk? If anything, I feel as if that would confirm his suspicions..

graham11 | 14

#3759172 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 5:09

48- haha oops. oh shit, well I suck at reading!

NanillaVipples | 2

#3759452 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 6:28

There's a truck in this?

Jakesterk96 | 8

#3762244 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 21:09

Is this real life?

brown4lifejot | 1

#3762310 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 21:39

Ya that'll help real well...

A7X_LoVeee | 10

#3764034 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 4:13

No, Jake. It's Runescape.

By MrSchneebly | 5

#3757528 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:41

Id invest in a better pair of shoes

Or just learn to walk

By whennotlooking | 0

#3757534 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:41

Say yes. You can't admit things like that xD