Miscellaneous: Today, I was walking down the street, when I slipped and fell...

By This girl - United States

Today, I was walking down the street, when I slipped and fell on a patch of ice. It wasn't all that embarrassing, until I walked two more feet and slipped again. The second time, a man pulled over and loudly asked if I was drunk. FML

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Miscellaneous

Dementia or hate? You decide

BO Central

Triage

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend was over at my house for the first time. I told her I had to go take a shower, and from the other room my grandmother yells "you're not going to jack off this time are you?" FML

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By tiredmomma - United States - Boston

Today, is my one day off for the week. My mother in law is visiting, and has decided we need to rearrange my living room. FML

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11511

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By KereKris - 17/6/2020 14:05

Hi how are you?

Today, I texted my boss, "I'm looking forward to doing you" instead of, "I'm looking forward to seeing you" thanks to a very unfortunate combination of my atrocious typing skills on a smartphone and an overzealous autocorrect function. FML

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1190

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By wtactualfuck :( - United States

Today, my boyfriend went to ask my dad for my hand in marriage. All I could make out from the door was mumbling, until profanities started flying. My boyfriend shouted "well she's a SINGLE bitch now!" and stormed out of the house. My dad still refuses to tell me what happened in there. FML

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By sofakingweetodit - United States

Today, in preparation for a presentation at work, I decided to take a handful of vitamins to fight my cold. As I was putting the bottles away, I noticed one of them was a laxative. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I logged on to Facebook to find that my boyfriend's relationship status had changed to in a relationship with his ex. I asked him about it, and all he said was, "I guess I forgot to break up with you." FML

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By Jillian Drute - United States

Today, my mom showed up completely hammered to a party I was throwing. The party was to celebrate the ten years that I've been sober. FML

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By peedonme - New Zealand

Today, I was in the toilet. Some idiots thought it was funny to throw a water balloon into the cubicle. The balloon didn't pop, but fell in the toilet sending my own urine onto my shorts. I had 4 hours left of school. FML

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31674

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Today, my vegan step-mom found out I ate at McDonald's yesterday. She gave me hell and asked me how it feels to give money to "murderers". All while my dad sat quietly by because he's too whipped to speak his mind. It wasn't even her house a month ago. FML

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21994

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By scared - 24/6/2020 23:02

Healthy relationship

Today, I yelled at my girlfriend for something trivial. Instead of yelling back, she was scarily calm and said, "Remember, I’ve got 50 lbs on you. Yell at me again and I’ll lay a pillow on your face and sit on it until you’re dead." I think she might mean it. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Oslo

Today, my deranged wife somehow became convinced that vampires actually exist. She's now walking around with garlic powder caked into her clothing. I can't get the smell out of my nostrils. FML

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By heresmybellybotton - United States

Today, I was babysitting a little girl down the street. She pulled out her 'memory box', which contained many childhood treasures. After pulling out a variety of dresses and baby pictures, she says, "... and here's my belly button!" and plops an umbilical chord in my hands. FML

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By Caroline - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I went to the doctor to get a blood test and I started crying when I saw the needle. I planned on becoming a doctor. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by writing "we're through fat slob" on my forehead whilst I was asleep in permanent marker. FML

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By windskurfer - France

Today, I saw my dad help himself to a sex stamina drink. He and mom share the hotel bed next to mine. FML

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21969

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By Eric Moore - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years said she was leaving me because recently I wasn't making much money, and was playing too many video games. I recently got a raise at my job of 5 years. The job? Testing video games. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got excited because I found Monsters University and The Croods online, neither of which I've seen. I'm 33, single, and it's Saturday night. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I finally found the words to describe how I felt after 2 years of depression. I asked on Yahoo Answers what I should do next. The most 'helpful' answer told me to go on a picnic. FML

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By hmmmm - Australia

Today, the condom slipped off, because my boyfriend refuses to admit that he needs to use smaller condoms. FML

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41132

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By Mr. Headshot

Today, I celebrated my birthday with a few friends at home. As I bent down over my cake, my friend pushed my face into it. The baker should have told me she put in a stick to support the cake. FML

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41575

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By Anonymous - Australia - Adelaide

Today, after cricket training, the homeless man that lives in the drain next to the nets threw a beer bottle full of piss at me for rejecting him for a date last week. I ducked; it sailed through my car’s open window and smashed all over the seats. FML

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51209

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By Shelly - United States

Today, I used the restroom at a department store. While I was in my stall, I overheard a little girl say to her mother, "I see someone wearing pink!" I remembered that I was wearing pink just as she finished her thought, "And she's pooping." She was peeking at me through the stall. FML

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53109

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By Anonymous

Today, I began writing thank-you cards for the gifts I got for my 21st birthday. To one set of grandparents, I wrote, "Thank you for the dancing chicken toy," and to the others I wrote, "Thank you for the $10 check." Those were the only gifts. FML

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1690

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By Busted - South Africa

Today, I was woken up because the police were pounding on my door, and saying I am under arrest for stealing road signs. My friends went drinking last night and thought it would be funny to steal seven stop signs, four bus stop signs, and two children crossing signs then plant them on my front lawn. FML

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By sickly

Today, my friend came over with brownies as a treat before work. She works in a bakery so I thought it was lovely. After starting work, I became stoned. She thought it was a great prank. I was fired. FML

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43399

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By gottaflossmoreoften - Romania - Bucharest

Today, I finally heard a woman tell me "I've never seen one so big before!" Too bad it was my dentist talking about one of my cavities. FML

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30489

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By Anonymous

Fetish

Today, my boyfriend and I finally had sex. The entire time he kept begging me to fart, especially on him. FML

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2358

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251

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By farksh - Australia

Today, I rolled up a newspaper and smashed a huge spider in my room. As I went to scoop it up with a tissue, it lurched away and fell near my bed. I can't find it, but I can sure as fuck sense the pure evil coming from it. Looks like I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight. FML

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31090

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By holyshitbatman - United States - Chicago

Today, I woke up naked next to my gay roommate after a night of drinking. Neither he nor I remember anything. FML

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By leastitwasntsurpriseanal - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I woke up to a blood-curdling scream from the living room. I jumped up and went running, only to find out it was my mother, who'd screamed at some dramatic plot twist in a Sex and the City episode. FML

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By Cat - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. His response? "It's not like I liked it." FML

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42036

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By annoyed - United States - Berkeley

Today, I was diagnosed with gonorrhea. My dad's reaction was to slowly clap at the news then giggle at his own joke. FML

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30441

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By Ohshucks! - United States

Today, I helped my fiancé pack up and head to Texas for a business trip. I'm not only going to miss him, but I'll also miss my car keys that I accidentally left in his car. I drive for a living. FML

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29501

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By Ashes to ashes - 16/10/2020 05:01

Oh, hi grandma!

Today, I woke up to what seemed like dirt on my face. Not dirt. It was cremated remains. My memory charm had broken open in my sleep. FML

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1088

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295

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my road rage got so out of hand that I'm now actually inclined to honk obnoxiously at my computer when it's being slow. FML

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32784

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By Jeff - United States

Today, I went out to lunch with my girlfriend. I asked if she was going to finish her meal, hoping to steal a bite or two. She somehow took this as me calling her fat, threw her drink at me, and stormed off. I just wanted some steak. FML

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52496

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By stewiesclone - United States

Today, I was taking a dump in a public restroom. Minding my own business, I heard somebody go into an adjacent stall. It was dead silent and I don't think he knew I was in there. I thought I heard him scratching his arm or something. I was wrong. He was jacking off. I had to listen to it all. FML

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22822

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3017

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a handjob in the shower. As I was reaching climax, my mom walked by the bathroom door and started talking to me. My girlfriend didn't stop, and in order to distract from the situation at hand, I had to carry on the conversation with my mom. FML

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44670

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By Sweeney - United States

Today, I decided to finally use the gym membership I got a few weeks ago. After I returned to the locker room, the locker I used was opened with all my stuff, including my iTouch, cell phone, and my wallet with cash stolen. It turns out I left the sticker that tells you your combo on my new lock. FML

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17890

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By NeedALittleRoomToBreathe

Today, and for the past month, I've been feeling lightheaded from a breathing problem. I've now been prescribed a medication to help with my anxiety and my breathing issue, which would in turn help stop me from getting so lightheaded. The side effect of said medication: lightheadedness. FML

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3787

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#3757440 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:33

Don't drink and walk.

By Torva_fml | 16

#3757456 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:35

Where you drunk, or are you just clumsy?

COMMENTS

By DocBastard | 38

#3757440 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:33

Don't drink and walk.

n_epic_fail | 14

#3757557 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:45

Just admit to being drunk...

Torva_fml | 16

#3757593 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:50

Well I can't drive home, what do you suggest I do? Do cart wheels all the way home?!?

The_Troller | 14

#3757610 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:52

Hop on one foot?

Torva_fml | 16

#3757642 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:55

I've decided, I'll skip with both hands tied behind my back. So when I slip... I have to use my intoxicated brain to figure out how to stand up! I've already planned a perfect night.

DayAndNite | 8

#3757689 - Monday 19 December 2011 23:01

Come at me. I'll defend this comment to the death!

VorpikeII | 17

#3758013 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 0:42

Don't walk and drink. =P

graham11 | 14

#3758031 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 0:46

20- your comment made me laugh out loud. It you can't get up, just slide along the ground like an inch worm. Slowly but steadily will do the trick!

DocBastard | 38

#3758210 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 1:09

DayAndNite - quit trollin', son.

philipino | 24

#3758877 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 3:55

I've caught the derpies! *gets shot*

BayleeWasHere | 1

#3759680 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 7:22

Wow

CanWeMicrowaveIt | 11

#3770977 - Thursday 22 December 2011 11:29

21 needs to learn not to drink and comment

GroovyGravy | 7

#3772986 - Thursday 22 December 2011 22:48

I got some roller-skates if that helps

stuffhappens223 | 7

#3854544 - Monday 9 January 2012 8:02

Win

By Torva_fml | 16

#3757456 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:35

Where you drunk, or are you just clumsy?

Torva_fml | 16

#3757525 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:40

I completely blame auto correct! I meant were, but made a typo, and it changed it to where.

LifesJusGreat | 7

#3759826 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:03

I was to drunk to notice

deadeyedex | 6

#3761374 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 17:01

It was ice I'm sure you'll slip too

By giantsfan2010 | 23

#3757463 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:36

Well, were you?

By ajpopoca88 | 3

#3757490 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:38

at least it wasnt a cop.

By wooley29 | 8

#3757492 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:38

Ouch! Might be time to buy better shoes.

By baseballplaya5 | 7

#3757493 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:38

That's funny af!

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#3757507 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:39

This is why women shouldn't leave the kitchen ;) also cuz I'm hungry, get to work!

By abbybailey204 | 19

#3757523 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:40

That's when u show him your not drunk by pulling him out of his truck and pounding his face in

The_Troller | 14

#3757630 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:54

Did somebody forget to take his happy pill today?

graham11 | 14

#3758024 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 0:44

8- how would that make the cop think OP isn't drunk? If anything, I feel as if that would confirm his suspicions..

graham11 | 14

#3759172 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 5:09

48- haha oops. oh shit, well I suck at reading!

NanillaVipples | 2

#3759452 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 6:28

There's a truck in this?

Jakesterk96 | 8

#3762244 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 21:09

Is this real life?

brown4lifejot | 1

#3762310 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 21:39

Ya that'll help real well...

A7X_LoVeee | 10

#3764034 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 4:13

No, Jake. It's Runescape.

By MrSchneebly | 5

#3757528 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:41

Id invest in a better pair of shoes

Or just learn to walk

By whennotlooking | 0

#3757534 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:41

Say yes. You can't admit things like that xD