Today, I was walking down the street, when I slipped and fell...

By This girl - 19/12/2011 18:01 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street, when I slipped and fell on a patch of ice. It wasn't all that embarrassing, until I walked two more feet and slipped again. The second time, a man pulled over and loudly asked if I was drunk. FML

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Miscellaneous

Alternative medicine is bull

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Non-baby fever

By sad45 - 15/3/2009 05:09 - Canada

Today, I was shopping with my friends and I got asked by a man if I could be in one of his commercials. I obviously said yes without thinking twice. I then found out that he wanted me to be the before picture for an acne control moisturizer. FML

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By its still broken - 11/6/2015 00:13 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my neighbor came over to borrow my lawnmower. As I have previously loaned it to him and he returned it broken, I refused. He then promptly ate the strawberries off my daughter's small strawberry plant and stormed off. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2010 22:26 - United States

Today, after an argument with a coworker, I sent him "Sorry about being such a jerk" in a reply to a mass email he had sent. I accidentally hit 'Reply All'. I now have 32 "It's okay" messages in my inbox. FML

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By Detroitman125 - 10/11/2018 03:00

Today, my parents told me that they think I've gone off the deep end. I don't drink or take drugs. What did I do? I got McDonald's a couple times after school. FML

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By FutureMarine3658 - 8/8/2012 14:00 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, out of habit, after scratching my balls, I then smelt my hand. It was at that moment I realized most of my gym was staring at me. FML

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By Cooper491 - 15/9/2011 21:22 - Australia

Today, I was at a bar with my friend, when I noticed a young lad at a table near to us. I thought it'd be funny to jeer and flick peanuts at him. I went to the restroom, only to come back to my friend face-down on the floor. Turns out the guy fucked him up instead, and now he won't talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2013 06:37 - United States - Denver

Today, I had my last orchestra concert and had a large solo. My dad came to watch and record it; however, the whole time he recorded another girl, thinking it was me. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2014 21:25 - Australia

Today, I found out the real reason my boyfriend kept starting fights with me, and why my best friend kept telling me to break up with him. It was so they could turn their affair into a proper relationship, then twist it around to make me look like a bitch for dumping him. FML

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By ontherun2012 - 14/2/2012 04:22 - United States

Today, I finally received my passport. Too bad my flight to Italy left last week. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2011 16:37 - United States

Today, I told my crush of two years that I love him. He responded with an, "Aww, I'm sorry." and a pity hug. FML

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By PlayboyBunny - 19/2/2011 07:20 - United States

Today, the sweetest thing my boyfriend ever told me was that I'd make a good porn star. FML

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By LeoCor - 27/8/2018 20:30

Today, and for the past 2 weeks, I've had a massive pain in my throat. It went down for a while with antibiotics, but when it came back I had to go to the hospital for an emergency surgery. There was a 3cm abscess growing in my throat. Happy birthday to me! FML

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By one cock too many - 4/8/2020 05:02

Who's been a naughty girl?

Today, I found out I’m the guy whose wife made adult films in college. Although embarrassed, I thought I may be able to get past it. Except for the fact that we dated in college, and she insisted we wait until after we were married to have sex. FML

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By notenoughunderwearintheworld - 21/7/2013 20:54 - South Africa - Durban

Today, the great deal on my new apartment has turned into a nightmare. I keep hearing extremely weird sounds almost every night, and when I tried taking pics of the place today, my camera's face recognition feature kept activating, but only in my bedroom. I'm scared shitless. FML

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By chumman - 6/5/2014 13:55 - United States - New York

Today, I met this overweight chick and ended up sleeping with her. We were doing it doggy style and it was great until she said, "Milk me like a cow." I can no longer drink milk without hearing that in my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2020 23:01

Catching up

Today, I got a message from my crush, with whom I had a one night stand with a few months ago. I was really surprised and excited to see his name pop up on my phone. Turns out, he only messaged me to accuse me of giving him mono, and then he blocked me. FML

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By brainfart - 19/9/2020 10:01

Where is my mind?

Today, I was put on a medication for severe migraines. One of the side effects is difficulty concentrating and word recall. I was writing a paper and sat there trying to remember how to spell "isn't." This medication better work. FML

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By bdw89 - 29/12/2016 18:42 - United States - Warrensburg

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years still can't get it that dry humping me and saying, "But I'm horny" in a goofy voice isn't a turn on. FML

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By breathalizard - 2/5/2009 06:21 - United States

Today, I left a party after drinking, and was soon pulled over. I frantically grabbed my mouthwash I keep for emergency situations to cover up the alcohol smell on my breath. I was given the breathalyzer almost immediately. I blew a 2.37. Apparently, alcohol is the main ingredient of Listerine. FML

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By Evra - 23/1/2015 07:39 - United States - Tampa

Today, I was asked by a total stranger if I had Tourettes. This is the third time this has happened to me. FML

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By pdub523 - 27/1/2013 05:57 - United States - Longview

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad for the first time. His shirt said "D.A.D.D, Dads Against Daughters Dating, shoot the first one and word will spread". FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2015 16:59 - India - New Delhi

Today, at a party I got blind drunk and I gave a guy a blowjob for the first time. I'm a 100% heterosexual male. FML

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By Mazzam - 19/11/2008 11:33 - France

Today, it's my birthday. My girlfriend gave me the present she bought for me. I said joking: "I hope it's not a tie!" It was a tie. FML

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By DogBeater - 21/6/2016 01:21 - United States

Today, I've just moved into a new apartment. It's also the day my big baby of a dog stepped on a rock and began yelping when I tried to touch his paw. He "suddenly" felt better after I carried him inside. Now everyone thinks I'm beating my dog. FML

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By caryl101698 - 9/6/2016 01:40 - United States - Medford

Today, after spending $850 on having our siding, roof and windows powerwashed, a 5-minute storm blew the siding clear off the house. FML

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By Angela - 4/1/2012 19:01 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office. People kept staring at me and I couldn't figure out why. Later, I realized my sister's puppies had chewed a noticeable hole in my pants' crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2017 20:00

Today, the water was shut off, so I had to wash down my anti convulsants, anti depressants and sleep aids with an old, flat, non-alcoholic beer from the night before. I don't think I've ever had a more mentally dysfunctional cocktail. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2019 06:02 - Australia - Perth

Ninja!

Today, after getting home from my morning run, I found my brand new leather couch with scratches all over it and smelling of cat piss. I don't have a cat. FML

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By Sally - 31/10/2018 22:00 - United States

Today, I went over to the house of a guy I have hooked up with a few times. After we got done, I asked him why we were not in the room across the hall. He said that was his twin brother's room. FML

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By Mr. Shawzy - 14/1/2009 13:09 - Canada

Today, the ugliest girl in school walked by me and said "ewwww". FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2009 05:58 - United States

Today, at work, I managed to hit myself in the face with a large sheet pan. The force made me back into a shelf, which knocked a box off the top, which hit me in the head and knocked me out-cold. I now have a fat lip, a sore head, and bruises all over from the fall. FML

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By notsohappilyeverafter - 26/11/2011 21:54 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dropped by my work to break up with me. I had to go the rest of my shift with a smile, fighting back tears. I work as the Cinderella at Disney Land. FML

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By disneyworld - 14/2/2010 05:49 - United States

Today, my dad decides to tell me he's taking the whole family to disney world, even my step-brother's girlfriend. But not me, because he can't "afford" it. FML

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By anon - 21/6/2011 11:52 - United States

Today, I finally went on a date with my crush. When he kissed me goodnight, it made me think of a dying slug. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2010 11:42 - Canada

Today, I was stuck behind an elderly man on a one-way street into my university campus. There was no traffic in front of him and we were both going under the speed limit, so I honked my horn at him to speed up. He ended up double-parking in the last two spots. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2013 21:29 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I caught my sister eating crayons. She's 19. FML

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By go fish - 8/7/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend gently pointed out that when we hug, it's our stomachs that touch first. FML

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By girl on fire - 3/9/2015 00:32

Today, my idiot kid brother set my shirt on fire with a magnifying glass while I was taking a nap outside. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2018 09:00 - United States - Thomasville

That's not a child, that's a bio-hazard!

Today, I took a shower while my two-year-old slept. In the 30 minutes it took me to shower, get dressed, and go back to his room, he had woken up, taken his pants and diaper off, and smears crap all over himself and his bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 17:11 - Belgium

Today, I wanted to try my mom's new lipstick. I opened it, baffled, examined it carefully. That's when it started to vibrate. Obviously, that wasn't a lipstick. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#3757440 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:33

Don't drink and walk.

By Torva_fml | 16

#3757456 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:35

Where you drunk, or are you just clumsy?

COMMENTS

By DocBastard | 38

#3757440 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:33

Don't drink and walk.

n_epic_fail | 14

#3757557 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:45

Just admit to being drunk...

Torva_fml | 16

#3757593 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:50

Well I can't drive home, what do you suggest I do? Do cart wheels all the way home?!?

The_Troller | 14

#3757610 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:52

Hop on one foot?

Torva_fml | 16

#3757642 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:55

I've decided, I'll skip with both hands tied behind my back. So when I slip... I have to use my intoxicated brain to figure out how to stand up! I've already planned a perfect night.

DayAndNite | 8

#3757689 - Monday 19 December 2011 23:01

Come at me. I'll defend this comment to the death!

VorpikeII | 17

#3758013 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 0:42

Don't walk and drink. =P

graham11 | 14

#3758031 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 0:46

20- your comment made me laugh out loud. It you can't get up, just slide along the ground like an inch worm. Slowly but steadily will do the trick!

DocBastard | 38

#3758210 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 1:09

DayAndNite - quit trollin', son.

philipino | 24

#3758877 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 3:55

I've caught the derpies! *gets shot*

BayleeWasHere | 1

#3759680 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 7:22

Wow

CanWeMicrowaveIt | 11

#3770977 - Thursday 22 December 2011 11:29

21 needs to learn not to drink and comment

GroovyGravy | 7

#3772986 - Thursday 22 December 2011 22:48

I got some roller-skates if that helps

stuffhappens223 | 7

#3854544 - Monday 9 January 2012 8:02

Win

By Torva_fml | 16

#3757456 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:35

Where you drunk, or are you just clumsy?

Torva_fml | 16

#3757525 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:40

I completely blame auto correct! I meant were, but made a typo, and it changed it to where.

LifesJusGreat | 7

#3759826 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:03

I was to drunk to notice

deadeyedex | 6

#3761374 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 17:01

It was ice I'm sure you'll slip too

By giantsfan2010 | 23

#3757463 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:36

Well, were you?

By ajpopoca88 | 3

#3757490 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:38

at least it wasnt a cop.

By wooley29 | 8

#3757492 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:38

Ouch! Might be time to buy better shoes.

By baseballplaya5 | 7

#3757493 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:38

That's funny af!

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#3757507 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:39

This is why women shouldn't leave the kitchen ;) also cuz I'm hungry, get to work!

By abbybailey204 | 19

#3757523 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:40

That's when u show him your not drunk by pulling him out of his truck and pounding his face in

The_Troller | 14

#3757630 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:54

Did somebody forget to take his happy pill today?

graham11 | 14

#3758024 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 0:44

8- how would that make the cop think OP isn't drunk? If anything, I feel as if that would confirm his suspicions..

graham11 | 14

#3759172 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 5:09

48- haha oops. oh shit, well I suck at reading!

NanillaVipples | 2

#3759452 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 6:28

There's a truck in this?

Jakesterk96 | 8

#3762244 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 21:09

Is this real life?

brown4lifejot | 1

#3762310 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 21:39

Ya that'll help real well...

A7X_LoVeee | 10

#3764034 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 4:13

No, Jake. It's Runescape.

By MrSchneebly | 5

#3757528 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:41

Id invest in a better pair of shoes

Or just learn to walk

By whennotlooking | 0

#3757534 - Monday 19 December 2011 22:41

Say yes. You can't admit things like that xD