Miscellaneous: Today, someone thought it would be funny to steal the precious... - FML

By Anonymous - 17/01/2014 22:21 - Canada - Surrey

Today, someone thought it would be funny to steal the precious stuffed bear I've had since childhood and leave a ransom note in its place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 669

You deserved it 5 528

Laissez-faire capitalism

Suspicious

Skyped out

By Anonymous - 10/11/2014 21:50 - United States - Mount Laurel

Today, I realized why I never hear my voice echoing when I sing to my boyfriend on Skype; he just mutes me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 677

You deserved it 11 987

By overseasbummer - 14/11/2014 19:09 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my wife and I had an argument serious enough to end our marriage, while overseas on vacation, with my whole family present. Three more days of awkward tension until we get to fly home and it all ends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 200

You deserved it 3 894

By I said whaat - 18/12/2012 16:50

Today, I was in the mall for the second day in a row with my 7-year-old brother. As we walked past Santa he asked me, "Why does Santa look different today"? Not thinking, I said, "Because each mall has a different Santa." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 143

You deserved it 36 763

By woof woof?? - 15/06/2013 20:26 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Spicy

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he discovered that if he hits a certain area just right, my leg starts shaking like a dog. Now he won't stop patting my head and saying, "Who's a good girl?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 818

You deserved it 9 977

By Anonymous - 27/08/2015 16:18 - Denmark - K?ge

Today, I came home from a business trip and was greeted by a foul smell. I soon found out my husband accidentally let the milk go bad by leaving it out all day, then tried to solve the problem by "balancing the temperatures" by putting it in the freezer. Oh honey, no. Just no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 610

You deserved it 1 934

By WellOops - 18/07/2018 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend crashed his car while I was giving him road head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 624

You deserved it 9 392

By uetlqdja - 21/05/2011 15:31 - United States

Today, my ex husband is marrying my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 106 571

You deserved it 7 148

By Anonymous - 15/07/2013 03:40 - United States - Odenton

Today, I was teaching my daughter how to drive. We were passing by a merge lane; I told her to slow down and let a green car merge in front of us. She said, "Fuck the green car" and sped up, colliding with it. Apparently she didn't know that would happen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 899

You deserved it 7 160

By RestlessDiesel - 18/04/2016 14:40 - United States - Hudson

Today, I pulled off the road to help a turtle cross it. Before I could get out of my car a dump truck ran over the turtle, splattering my car with turtle guts and bits of shell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 999

You deserved it 1 823

Tunnel vision

By what. - 04/05/2020 17:00

Today, my boyfriend said that no, I'm not allowed to get glasses and then accused me of wanting to see other men. No, I just want to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 894

You deserved it 183

By Anonymous - 31/12/2008 03:21 - France

Today, my first (and only true) date ended with the girl saying "Thanks for dinner, I was hungry - and oh, by the way, I'm a lesbian". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 986

You deserved it 2 474

No good deed…

By oops - 04/12/2009 17:23 - United States

Today, I saw a moth trapped in a spider web. Feeling gracious, I gently freed it, and then took it to the window to let it out. When I opened the window to set him free, my $300 air conditioner fell two stories and smashed on the sidewalk. The moth flew away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 739

You deserved it 36 286

By Sapphirlinda - 03/07/2010 23:25 - Netherlands

Today, my friend told me I'm not welcome in her house anymore. I've spent the last two months painting and doing it up for her, because she's pregnant and couldn't herself. I just finished the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 742

You deserved it 3 258

By itsgonnabealongnight... - 03/09/2011 20:52 - United States

Today, I was at my grandparents' house, when the power went out. Even though we were supplied with candles and flashlights, we still had to stumble around in the darkness. They'd left both the candles and flashlights in the pitch black, unnavigable basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 314

You deserved it 3 032

By MCKilllerrr - 18/01/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, the girl I really liked started talking to me, so I asked her out on a date. After waiting an hour at the theatre, I texted her asking where she was. She replied with, "Oh! You were serious about the date?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 715

You deserved it 3 511

By Anonymous - 09/05/2010 16:29 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, if it wasn't already embarrassing enough to tell my boyfriend I was on my period, I had to explain what a period is in the first place, how it works, and why it means nothing can happen during that time of the month. He's twenty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 289

You deserved it 6 734

By Anonymous - 31/07/2016 14:19

Today, I got punched in the face after I beat my stepbrother at Mario Kart. I didn't really get hurt, but he managed to break a finger. My stepmom blamed the whole thing on me, accusing me of being violent and a bad influence on her son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 899

You deserved it 869

By youmothERFUCKErs - 13/08/2012 17:50 - United States

Today, yet again, I had to dye my hair brown in advance of the new school year, because my school doesn't allow "unapproved" colors, even if they're natural. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 087

You deserved it 2 356

By Anonymous - 30/08/2011 14:12 - United States

Today, I learned that I have the balls to base jump and skydive, but I still can't ask out the hot girl working at the pub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 618

You deserved it 8 514

By srsly_what - 28/04/2011 23:13 - United Kingdom

Today, a little girl wandered into the glass-cleaning area of the pub I work at. It's a dangerous place for a little kid, so I took her hand and asked where her mum was. The kid starts screaming and the mother appears in the doorway shouting "GET AWAY FROM MY BABY!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 538

You deserved it 3 497

By Nobody - 10/10/2009 12:07 - Singapore

Today, I saw a man lying on the street. He seemed unconscious, so, being a nurse I went over and found he had choked. I removed the object from his throat and used CPR to revive him. My reward? A mouthful of vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 577

You deserved it 5 182

By Anonymous - 15/01/2014 15:05 - United States - Bellflower

Today, my sister had me kicked out of her wedding reception for, in the words of her new husband, "harshing the buzz." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 936

You deserved it 5 372

By Anonymous - 11/12/2013 08:25 - United States

Today, is my little sister's 16th birthday. I spent my last $20 on a gift for her, cleaned the house for her party, made an ice cream cake, and got her a rose. What did I get? "I hope you kept the receipt for this. Oh, and stay in your room during my party." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 435

You deserved it 3 817

By scaredofbozo - 11/03/2011 16:05

Today, I woke up screaming after a nightmare about clowns, which wouldn't be too bad if I hadn't been surrounded by coworkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 438

You deserved it 28 265

By BOO! - 25/05/2019 04:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head. When I came, she was scared of the "stuff" that came out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 096

You deserved it 364

By ashleyramsay - 23/10/2009 19:13 - Canada

Today, I heard whimpering while I was in my bedroom. Thinking it was my parents doing something nasty, I let them do it and turned on my music. My parents came home from work and I realised they were never home. I went into the room and saw my dead dog laying on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 570

You deserved it 11 772

By kill me now - 16/01/2017 21:22

Spicy

Today, I realised I've sucked dick to every Simon Pegg movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 143

You deserved it 6 527

By oh - 23/02/2016 02:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my ex-girlfriend woke up from a coma that lasted a few months. Her parents called me from the hospital shortly after because she was in hysterics that I wasn't there. Apparently she thinks we're still together, and I now have to somehow break up with her again after almost a year apart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 461

You deserved it 2 080

By rogerusmc23 - 24/05/2011 02:41 - Japan

Today, while all the other marines got to fly around the island on a helicopter, I got stuck on gear guard. What was I guarding? The staff sergeant's parking spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 200

You deserved it 4 588

By cheated - 23/11/2011 17:03 - United States

Today, I came home from a weekend trip with some friends, and walked straight in on my girlfriend cheating on me. She burst into tears and began apologizing. Her exact words were "I'm so sorry! I thought you were coming back tomorrow." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 261

You deserved it 3 062

By Whoops - 03/09/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, I discovered the guy that sits next to me in class is actually a girl. Not only is that bad, but we had to write a paper about each other. I used the words "him" and "he", and read it to the whole class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 220

You deserved it 42 252

Genetic test

By Anonymous - 12/10/2021 02:00

Today, it's not fair: I’ve seen my twin brother drink 2 full bottles of whiskey without getting more than tipsy, then go to work the next day completely fine on only 2 hours sleep, meanwhile I get completely trashed if I have more than 3 normal pints and take days to recover from the hangover. FML

I agree, your life sucks 776

You deserved it 293

By Unlucky gal - 12/06/2017 04:00

Today, I broke my mug, windshield wiper, shower curtain, and foot, all in six hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 801

You deserved it 265

By sarah_sad - 25/03/2009 01:48 - United States

Today, I went to the gym with two of my friends expecting to pay a guest fee but the cute guy working at the front desk let me in for free. On the way out after working out I started to flirt with him and he said "Don't flatter yourself, I just let you in because I'm lazy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 588

You deserved it 16 698

By ewwww - 26/05/2013 17:55 - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I found out where the mysterious bites on my back keep coming from. It's not every day you find an earwig in your loofah. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 516

You deserved it 4 298

Today, on Hoarders…

By Anonymous - 12/02/2021 20:02 - Germany

Today, my mom’s house is so dirty and cluttered, there's hardly any space left for actually living in it. Two months ago, she intended to finally organize and tidy up. Now, she's bought a trailer and is simply moving into that instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 787

You deserved it 66

By Anonymous - 25/06/2009 23:07 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was driving 3 of my guy friends to a party that was half an hour away. There was an awkward silence for most of the trip. I just figured out why now. I've had sex with all 3 of my guy friends. They talk about it when I'm not around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 247

You deserved it 109 533

Brain fart

By my bad - 24/09/2020 01:58 - United States

Today, I went out with my friend and her boyfriend. Not knowing him very well, I accidentally called him by her ex’s name. He took that as a sign she was still seeing the ex and dumped her on the spot. She’s now not speaking to me for ruining her life. I’m just bad with names. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 283

You deserved it 436

Yummy, apple crumble!

By Anonymous - 23/04/2020 02:00

Today, I accidentally cooked my new Apple Pencil. Being magnetic, it stuck to a baking tray that was put down on the table I’d been drawing at, and went in the oven. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 198

You deserved it 611

By P4ntless - 26/10/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, I'm single. Last night, I decided it would be silly to leave my phone in my car before I went to my roommate's brother's birthday party. Highlights of the evening include: Beer Pong, a keg stand, and breaking up with my girlfriend via text message. I don't remember the last one. She does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 547

You deserved it 41 258

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Saturday 18 January 2014 5:02

It's beary sad your bear got bear-napped.

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Saturday 18 January 2014 5:04

I would hunt someone down and kill them...childhood things like that are too awesome to mess with like that.

Comments

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Saturday 18 January 2014 5:02

It's beary sad your bear got bear-napped.

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Saturday 18 January 2014 5:09

Beat the stuffing out of the kidnapper!

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Saturday 18 January 2014 5:46

I could bearly bear to read your pun filled comment.

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Saturday 18 January 2014 6:05

I couldn't pawssibly bear another one.

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Saturday 18 January 2014 13:38

When she finds the bearnapper I bet the consequences will be unbearable.

spidey_awesome 14

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Saturday 18 January 2014 14:55

that's punny! keep them coming

MooCowPlywood 9

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Monday 20 January 2014 2:31

You ruined it.

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Saturday 18 January 2014 5:03

That's awfull!! I'm so sorry fyl!:(

jseid2 10

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Saturday 18 January 2014 5:41

Hmmm... If only there was a GODDAMN BUTTON FOR THAT.

VampOfSavannah 31

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Saturday 18 January 2014 6:44

Fuck the bear's life, he's probably scared out of his wits! Lol

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Saturday 18 January 2014 7:02

this reminds me of when that psycho dad bearnapped Ted

FangirlingAlways 14

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Sunday 19 January 2014 4:22

I have a monkey toy that I have had since I was 5. If someone took it I would feel like someone just took away apart of my childhood, because they would. :/

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Saturday 18 January 2014 5:04

That sounds like something that calvin and hobbes would do.

an3ph 20

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Saturday 18 January 2014 9:30

Do not call the police. You cannot find me. Sincerely, Calvin

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Saturday 18 January 2014 17:11

#44 Aaahh, memories...

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Saturday 18 January 2014 5:04

How much is ransom for a bear?

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Saturday 18 January 2014 5:37

A couple of pots of honey?

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Saturday 18 January 2014 6:03

Nope, tigger was the kidnapper. And tiggers don't like hunny.

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Saturday 18 January 2014 5:04

I would hunt someone down and kill them...childhood things like that are too awesome to mess with like that.

Honema 16

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Saturday 18 January 2014 10:28

This comment fitted too perfectly with your profilepicture...

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Saturday 18 January 2014 13:42

I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you.

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Saturday 18 January 2014 19:23

You might know who I am, but I am not as adorable as I sound. You shall pay for your transgressions!

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Saturday 18 January 2014 23:09

53 - Liam Neeson, is that you?

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Saturday 18 January 2014 5:04

pay the ransom

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Saturday 18 January 2014 5:05

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Saturday 18 January 2014 5:33

They're called "memories"

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Saturday 18 January 2014 6:23

#7 was born at age 14, he didnt have a childhood.

laden_swallow09 34

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Saturday 18 January 2014 16:45

Losing a stuffed bear doesn't erase your precious memories. Tapping the brain stem, however, can.

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Tuesday 2 May 2017 13:11

I don't remember a lot of things if I don't have a visual stimulus for my memories...

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Saturday 18 January 2014 5:07

Who the hell would do that?

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Saturday 18 January 2014 5:07

Certainly a burden to bear

applebramble 22

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Saturday 18 January 2014 5:08

I'd kill anyone who stole my childhood teddy bear! Not cool!

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 15

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38

You deserved it 19

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 500

You deserved it 137

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 792

You deserved it 236