Miscellaneous: Today, I was visiting my friend's new house and he was showing... - FML

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was visiting my friend's new house and he was showing me around. I saw a small door in the wall and decided to open it. When I opened it, his daughter was hiding in there and screamed to scare me. Now I know my scream is more high pitched than his daughter's. I'm a 37 year old male. FML

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Out of it

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Fragile

By sad guy - United States

Today, a huge and angry man stormed into my work and threatened to kill me if I didn't stop sleeping with his wife. He then threatened to come back and kick my ass if I so much as texted his wife again. The problem is, I'm married, have never cheated and I work for my wife's father. FML

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By Brian - United States

Today, I saw an article that Burger King is selling a whopper with seven patties in celebration of the Windows Seven release. Upon reading this, I immediately got an extremely forceful erection. I think this is a sign to stop putting off that diet. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I was called an assortment of names and was almost followed home by a crazy bitch. Why? Because I stated that it was unsanitary for her to bring her dog to a grocery store. She clearly disagreed. FML

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By verysadasian - United States

Today, my friends and I decided to compare dick sizes one by one. I was last and I was the smallest. I was also the only Asian amongst my friends. They now call me "the stereotype". FML

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By Teacher - United States - Phoenix

Martha Lucy Queen Jr.

Today, I asked students to identify a woman that made a difference in history. I got several people answering Martin Luther King Jr. These are 9th graders. FML

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By GamingWolfy5

Today, I got angry at my computer, and instead of bashing my keyboard with my fists, I bashed my face on the keyboard. It REALLY hurt. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was telling my boyfriend about how self conscious I am and how I obsess about my weight. He said, "Don't be ridiculous, you don't need to lose that much weight." FML

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By nico - United States

Today, I broke my collarbone in a rugby tournament. I was forced to sit through five more hours of games because the coach wouldn't take me to the hospital until the tournament was over. FML

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By CombatShadow45 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of three years on a romantic picnic to the park, so I could propose to her. The moment was just right, I made my move. I knelt down on one knee and asked her. Her response was "you're kneeling in dog poop." I looked down. She was right. FML

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By mylifesucks - Netherlands

Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won't need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." FML

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By Erika

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend on campus. Upset, I decided to go to McDonald's to eat my painful memories away. While in the drive-thru line, I realized my ex was right in front of me. It looked like I'd followed him all the way from campus. He thinks I'm a stalker now. FML

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By girl_what

Today, my parents informed me that my dad is leaving my mom and moving to Florida from New York tomorrow. I just spent $300 on a new crossbow for his birthday, which is tomorrow, in hopes that he would spend more time with me. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I had a wet dream about having sexual relations with a rubber duck. FML

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By TSampson - United States

Today, my mom's will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was "lazy." The executor read it out loud. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, a coworker told me she may be in love with me. I admitted similar feelings and we agreed, since we're both happily married, not to spend time together anymore. Two hours later we were both promoted to run the same project, where we'll be "working hand in glove for the next couple of years." FML

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By **(: - United States

Today, I learned that if you stare down an attractive man while pumping gas, he'll stare back. Then he might ask for your number. At which point his girlfriend will get out of the car and threaten to kick your ass. FML

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By calgarygal

Today, I found out the little blue thing that my roommate has been sterilizing by boiling in our shared coffee maker, is a menstrual cup. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2021 11:02

Too Much Information

Today, I found out that my cross-dressing father and my recently deceased mother were having a much more "open" relationship then they'd let on, when the sheriff's department finally gave me mom's phone back. FML

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By brokedad - United States

Today, I was questioned by police for forcing a 12-year-old to get in my car. That 12-year-old is my daughter, who refused to get in until I agree to buy her a highly expensive purse just to become popular. FML

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By blkchkrm - United States

Today, I decided I was going to do something nice for my parents for Christmas. So, I cleaned the entire house top to bottom, baked cookies, and made them both Christmas cards. What did I get in return? They asked me to wrap my four year old sister's presents, and let me know I got nothing. FML

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By owmyhead - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that when a pierced, tattooed, and otherwise extremely stereotypical biker chick jokingly threatens to find you and beat you up if you don't call her back after a one-night stand, she's not actually joking. FML

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By Alittlebitiffy - Australia

Today, I spent an hour pulling poop-covered prickles out of my husky's butt. A duck had startled him while he was doing his business and his first thought was to run, mid-poop, into a prickle bush. FML

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By trekkiewife - United States - New Port Richey

Today, my husband jokingly said to me, "I think you love Captain Kirk more than me." Without thinking, I said in a serious tone, "I think I do, too." FML

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By Poolfool

Today, I went to play pool with a couple of friends. I'm not very good at this game. My friend beat me fair and square. Twice. He's blind. FML

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By oh no

What Mötley Crüe call "Breakfast"

Today, I think all those jokes my wife made about becoming an alcoholic during quarantine may be true. She came back from the weekly shopping today with 7 bottles of wine, a bottle of tequila and a 30-pack of beer. FML

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By skollasch - United States - Highland

Today, I was told by my doctor I should start eating meat again after two years of vegetarianism, in an effort to be healthier. After horrid gas after my first turkey sandwich, I was told that my body no longer has the enzymes to digest meat. My efforts to be healthy crippled my stomach. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone came into the store I work at, laughed at my name on my name-tag, and left without even buying anything. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my sister-in-law told me calmly that she never cared for me, likes her brother's ex more than me, and probably will always dislike me. It was our first serious conversation ever, that I initiated because I wanted to "maintain our great friendship." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ellicott City

Today, in the middle of sex, my girlfriend yelled, "STUFF ME LIKE A TURKEY!" I couldn't finish. FML

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By djkimmaz - United Kingdom

Today, my mom, who is relatively new to Facebook, posted on her friend's wall, telling her about her recent diagnosis of vaginal thrush. She assumed that her wall post was private. Six of my friends liked the post. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, my teacher told the class that we had better like the people at our table because we would all be working together for the final group assessment. Everyone looked at me, stood up, and moved. FML

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By balkangirl94 - United States

Today, a guy tried to seduce me by talking about incest. FML

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By jruth7 - United States

Today, after being in Europe for a month, I got home to find my door wide open and all my stuff gone. I called my dad who was supposed to be watching my house. He told me I should have had someone check on my place while I was gone. FML

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By lft - United States

Today, I called over my math teacher to ask a question. I have a really bad cold. I asked him about a problem and he reached over my desk to point at the diagram and explain it. Then I suddenly had to sneeze and I got tons of snot all over his hand and arm. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was smoking while driving. A cop pulled me over and asked if I knew what I did wrong. I thought he could smell the tobacco, so I decided to just admit it. As it turns out, I was going well over the speed limit. FML

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By fml - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my dad told me I was folding my laundry all wrong. I said with a smirk, "A little clothes-minded, are we?" He slapped me. Hard. FML

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By friendless - Canada

Today, I got invited out by friends for coffee after I broke up with my boyfriend. When I told my mom where I was going, she looked at me and said, "But you don't have friends. All your friends are pixels. Where are you really going?" FML

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By Anonymous - Italy

Today, it was my boyfriend's grandfather's funeral and visitation. These things make me nervous, and not thinking, I made comments that included the words "killing", "dying", and "death". I'm a rubbish support system. FML

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By iloveZELOS - United States

Today, my boss told me he is a superhero. He has written countless comics about his crusades and adventures. I make fifty dollars an hour less than him. FML

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By rummaging - United States - Bloomington

Today, my boyfriend found the box of photos I've been saving for my daughter. He was convinced I was pining over her father and emptied the box into the dumpster behind our apartment. I'm still not done digging through the garbage to find the photos from the day my daughter was born. FML

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Top comments

By my_fml_account | 2

#339365 - Thursday 25 June 2009 10:21

Please drop by the nearest Man-office and hand in your testicles; your dude licence has been revoked.

By PB4UGAME | 8

#1307301 - Friday 27 August 2010 8:41

I think you mean Bieber.

COMMENTS

By qtdi | 0

#339257 - Thursday 25 June 2009 9:46

Hahah, wow.

Reply

suburashi | 0

#339359 - Thursday 25 June 2009 10:16

you should be a singer if you can go higher than a 4 year old girl.

Reply

xHaniffax | 0

#339443 - Thursday 25 June 2009 11:23

You're a loser

Reply

lolzforfun228 | 3

#339899 - Thursday 25 June 2009 16:04

i really hate people like 13 who reply to the first guy even when theyre comment has NOTHING to do with the first guys so that they can be on top, because it makes them feel like theyre accomplishing something in theyre pathetic life. CONGRADUMAFUCKINGLATIONS! YOU WON! YOUR THE SECOND TO THE TOP ON SOME WEBSTIE AND YOU ARE(N'T) IMPRESSING MANY PEOPLE WHO DONT EVEN KNOW YOU! YAY!

By lolwut_fail | 0

#339258 - Thursday 25 June 2009 9:46

One word: tenor.

Reply

AntiChrist7 | 0

#339326 - Thursday 25 June 2009 10:01

i would say: eunuch

Reply

PB4UGAME | 8

#1307301 - Friday 27 August 2010 8:41

I think you mean Bieber.

Reply

vuragado | 10

#5013199 - Sunday 7 October 2012 0:16

No, tenor 1 sounds about right

By spillproof | 0

#339262 - Thursday 25 June 2009 9:47

haha it happens to the best of us. don't you just love that adrenalin rush?!

By Phallus_fml | 0

#339276 - Thursday 25 June 2009 9:49

37 years old and still "more high"?

Reply

Everlasting_fml | 0

#340093 - Thursday 25 June 2009 17:03

That's EXACTLY what I was thinking. Fail?

Reply

idreamofpeace | 0

#340248 - Thursday 25 June 2009 19:01

He meant "more high-pitched." That is an accurate way of stating it.

By Prawn_fml | 2

#339292 - Thursday 25 June 2009 9:53

Uhm. So what? How is this an FML?

Reply

I_AM_MOE | 0

#344673 - Saturday 27 June 2009 1:58

he's a man whos scream is higher pitched than a little girls.
think about it

By Crunchy_fml | 0

#339294 - Thursday 25 June 2009 9:53

did she have to give you a lollipop to make you feel better

By x0crZydr3am3rz0x | 0

#339296 - Thursday 25 June 2009 9:54

LOL this makes me want to try this on some guys.

By Nissi | 17

#339305 - Thursday 25 June 2009 9:57

Hahah! That's awesome. Nothing to be ashamed of.

By Velorium | 0

#339318 - Thursday 25 June 2009 9:59

Agreed, so what? Big deal. Quit whining.

By Houdeka | 0

#339320 - Thursday 25 June 2009 9:59

Your fault grow a pair and doubt it the screaming sounds like the new mikes hard lemonade commercial retard.