Today, I was visiting my friend's new house and he was showing... - FML

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was visiting my friend's new house and he was showing me around. I saw a small door in the wall and decided to open it. When I opened it, his daughter was hiding in there and screamed to scare me. Now I know my scream is more high pitched than his daughter's. I'm a 37 year old male. FML

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RIP in peace

Freak out

Can they do that?

By PoachedFish - Lebanon

Today, was very chilly. My little sister felt sorry for my two goldfish swimming in the cold water. She decided to put them in hot water. They died. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I rented a copy How To Train Your Dragon for my young son to watch. I put the DVD in, hit play without paying attention, and went off to make lunch. A few minutes later, my son ran into the kitchen screaming. Apparently, there was a mix up at the rental store and I got a copy of Saw IV. FML

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By David3000 - Australia

Today, I finally finished my 500 page manuscript and so went out to buy some paper to print it off. I get back home and find out my dad has infected my computer with a virus and the only way to save it was to wipe the hard drive, which he did. That script took me a year and I have no backup. FML

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By ReallyBro - United States - Keller

Today, after a year of coaxing, I got my boyfriend of 18 months to agree to have sex with me. He decided his first course of action was to try to shove his flaccid penis into my unlubricated vagina. FML

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By Anonymous

Caddy Shack

Today, I've had people calling the golf course just to ask what the weather's going to be like tomorrow. I’m a golf professional, not the weather man. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, whilst texting my boyfriend on the train, I noticed the woman sitting next to me staring intently at my phone. After letting my boyfriend know, he sent a message saying, "Are we gonna involve the dog again? Last night was fun." She gasped and screamed that I'm a "twisted dog-humping bitch." FML

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By haters

Today, while in a meeting for work, my boss expressed how much he likes everyone at our site. But before continuing, he looked at me and said, “Everyone but you, that is.” FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I took my child to the park. Having been there an hour, another mum came up to me and we started talking. She then told me that one kid had been harassing her children, pointing to my child. When she asked which one was mine I pointed to a random kid. It was hers. FML

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By anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was talking to a cute guy at my house party and had to fart. Luckily, it was silent. Unluckily, he smelled it, thought my house had a gas leak, and ran to the basement to check the pipes and ensure our safety. FML

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By anon - United States - Spencer

Today, I found out that my crush of a few years likes me. How? Her boyfriend told me, followed by a punch in the face. FML

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By Si123 - 15/8/2020 08:01

Night terrors

Today, after a long day at work, I was ready to wind down for the night. I sat on my bed and turned towards a fluttering on my left. I saw the biggest daddy-longlegs inches from my face, jumped in the other direction, forgetting there was a wall, and hit my head on it. I'm now officially wide awake. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I opened my window due to the good weather. I was lucky enough to listen to the sounds of someone violently throwing up for over an hour. The window got stuck open. FML

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By illiterate - Australia

Today, my boss gave me an "All you need to know about grammar" book. FML

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By Carmen VanDiest - 24/4/2020 02:00

Legit logic

Today, I asked my husband why his socks are always inside-out in the laundry basket. He replied, "So the insides get clean." FML

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By Kat - United States

Today, I was trying out for a play I really wanted to be in. After my audition, I was feeling really good. She said she would post the cast list tomorrow. Not knowing where she would post it, I asked her. Her reply? "It doesn't matter. You won't be on it anyway." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was excited when I saw a missed call. It wasn't my ex-boyfriend finally willing to talk, it was the creepy guy I met on the bus in November who I haven't seen since but has written me poetry. FML

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By Anonymous - Sri Lanka - Piliyandala

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said it was because my mom's lazy eye creeps him out, and that my dad hates him. She doesn't have a lazy eye, he's never met my dad, never seen my mom, and now according to his friends, he's been cheating on me for the past two weeks. FML

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By firstandlastjob - 13/6/2020 14:11

Make it stop

Today, at work I had to listen to a group of old men talk about double penetration. I work at a coffee shop. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a guy in a fancy car tailed me for twenty minutes, just so he could take a picture of my license plate and tell me there's a $300 fine for flicking cigarette ashes out your window. FML

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By TacoMan32 - Canada

Today, after months of unemployment, I finally started at a new job. The building burnt down on my very first shift. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, we were practicing figure drawing in art class. Our regular model didn't show up, so our teacher pulled someone out of study hall. And who did she pick? My ex-boyfriend, who stalked me after our breakup, which resulted in a nervous breakdown that put me in therapy. It was a long class. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my best friend of 12 years traveled cross country to help me recover from major surgery. I've been sitting in the hospital by myself while she has sex in my empty apartment with some guy she met. FML

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By FUCK GOD - Argentina - Salta

Today, for the first time in weeks, my wife felt frisky, and we started fooling around. Half-way through undressing me, she bolted out, claiming she had the shits. About five minutes later, she tearfully called out from the bathroom, begging me to bring her a fresh roll of toilet paper. FML

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By rimenrezon - United States - Tampa

Today, someone tried to break into my dorm room while I was in class. Ramming the metal door with their shoulder just dented it, so they pissed on my welcome mat and left. FML

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By julia - United States

Today, my five year old daughter came up to me and told me she wanted to be a nun. When I asked why, she replied, "So I won't get my heart broken by a boy." FML

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By lanbon182 - United States

Today, my fiancé's parents visited. I keep chickens for their eggs, and his parents own a farm, so we had a connection. They told us to leave the house while they cooked us dinner. When we returned, we faced two steaming plates of chicken. My chickens. They had names. FML

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By tulisa - United States - Alexandria

Today, I witnessed the beautiful sight of a tiny baby bird struggling to take flight from its nest. "You can do it," I muttered, which I guess my asswipe of a cat heard as "Quick, go kill that bird and scar me for life, please." FML

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By SezzyJ - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me. Via text. With the iPhone I got him for our anniversary. FML

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By Dockin - India

Today, I slashed my ass open with a shard of glass. How? I was making out with my crush, and threw my glasses on the ground. I forgot about them when we decided to lie down. FML

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By Angela - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office. People kept staring at me and I couldn't figure out why. Later, I realized my sister's puppies had chewed a noticeable hole in my pants' crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got an email from a local company looking to have a website made. I looked over their request and provided them with a reasonable offer. I got an email back stating that they would like to pay me with liquor instead of money. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was finally having sex with the man of my dreams, and then he fell asleep on top of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Vancouver

Today, I caught my teenage daughter doing her laundry for the first time ever. She had piles of black and white, but then she threw them together in the washing machine. I told her blacks and whites were supposed to be separate, but she just said, "End the segregation, mom." FML

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By FML_Elle - United States

Today, I was walking in the freezing rain when a guy asked me if I wanted to share his umbrella with him. I grinned and told him I did. He then noticed a pretty girl walking behind me and he abruptly turned to her and asked her the same question. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I found out that my parents don't know the difference between a foreign person and a deaf person. They've been yelling at our exchange student for the past 2 days. FML

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By Uhh - United States

Today, I was at my sister's wedding reception. My boyfriend of 3 years decided to give a toast to the happy couple. He was drunk and confessed his undying love to my sister. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I seemingly decided not to remove my foot from the pedal-clip of my bicycle until I had properly introduced myself to the cement. FML

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By socianx - Albania

Today, I was to give a business report to several important shareholders. Right at the start, I broke into a coughing fit, then got so nervous that I froze up. When I tried to excuse myself, I tripped over my own feet. I'm now facing demotion for making the company look bad. FML

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By picasso - United States

Today, I was partnered up with a girl in my art class, since the teacher had asked us to take turns drawing portraits of each other. I went first and felt pretty proud of how the drawing turned out. I showed it to her and she said "That's OK. I'm not good at drawing either." FML

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By justjoking - United States

Today, my classmate commented on how quiet I am. I responded with, "Well, nobody plots murder out loud," trying to be funny. My teacher tried to get me arrested. FML

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Top comments

By my_fml_account | 2

#339365 - Thursday 25 June 2009 10:21

Please drop by the nearest Man-office and hand in your testicles; your dude licence has been revoked.

By PB4UGAME | 8

#1307301 - Friday 27 August 2010 8:41

I think you mean Bieber.

COMMENTS

By qtdi | 0

#339257 - Thursday 25 June 2009 9:46

Hahah, wow.

Reply

suburashi | 0

#339359 - Thursday 25 June 2009 10:16

you should be a singer if you can go higher than a 4 year old girl.

Reply

xHaniffax | 0

#339443 - Thursday 25 June 2009 11:23

You're a loser

Reply

lolzforfun228 | 3

#339899 - Thursday 25 June 2009 16:04

i really hate people like 13 who reply to the first guy even when theyre comment has NOTHING to do with the first guys so that they can be on top, because it makes them feel like theyre accomplishing something in theyre pathetic life. CONGRADUMAFUCKINGLATIONS! YOU WON! YOUR THE SECOND TO THE TOP ON SOME WEBSTIE AND YOU ARE(N'T) IMPRESSING MANY PEOPLE WHO DONT EVEN KNOW YOU! YAY!

By lolwut_fail | 0

#339258 - Thursday 25 June 2009 9:46

One word: tenor.

Reply

AntiChrist7 | 0

#339326 - Thursday 25 June 2009 10:01

i would say: eunuch

Reply

PB4UGAME | 8

#1307301 - Friday 27 August 2010 8:41

I think you mean Bieber.

Reply

vuragado | 10

#5013199 - Sunday 7 October 2012 0:16

No, tenor 1 sounds about right

By spillproof | 0

#339262 - Thursday 25 June 2009 9:47

haha it happens to the best of us. don't you just love that adrenalin rush?!

By Phallus_fml | 0

#339276 - Thursday 25 June 2009 9:49

37 years old and still "more high"?

Reply

Everlasting_fml | 0

#340093 - Thursday 25 June 2009 17:03

That's EXACTLY what I was thinking. Fail?

Reply

idreamofpeace | 0

#340248 - Thursday 25 June 2009 19:01

He meant "more high-pitched." That is an accurate way of stating it.

By Prawn_fml | 2

#339292 - Thursday 25 June 2009 9:53

Uhm. So what? How is this an FML?

Reply

I_AM_MOE | 0

#344673 - Saturday 27 June 2009 1:58

he's a man whos scream is higher pitched than a little girls.
think about it

By Crunchy_fml | 0

#339294 - Thursday 25 June 2009 9:53

did she have to give you a lollipop to make you feel better

By x0crZydr3am3rz0x | 0

#339296 - Thursday 25 June 2009 9:54

LOL this makes me want to try this on some guys.

By Nissi | 17

#339305 - Thursday 25 June 2009 9:57

Hahah! That's awesome. Nothing to be ashamed of.

By Velorium | 0

#339318 - Thursday 25 June 2009 9:59

Agreed, so what? Big deal. Quit whining.

By Houdeka | 0

#339320 - Thursday 25 June 2009 9:59

Your fault grow a pair and doubt it the screaming sounds like the new mikes hard lemonade commercial retard.