Miscellaneous: Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up on my dad while...

By gengiskarn69 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up on my dad while he was rummaging through his briefcase. He must have heard me, because the moment I got up close, he whirled around and yelled "BOO!" causing me to scream like a little bitch. FML

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Miscellaneous

Spooky

Doomed

Clean break

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I visited my family for spring break because I've been away at college and I haven't seen them since Christmas. Almost as soon as I walked in the door, my mom had me clean the living room area, clean up cat vomit, and do the dishes. Thanks guys... I missed you too. FML

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By Anonymous - Poland

Today, my husband of ten years was playing the Sims. I asked him about the house he built. Apparently, it was his dream house, and he recreated himself as a Sim so he could live in it. Then I asked him where the wife was. There was no wife. It was his happy place. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Pole

Today, my husband and I stopped at a scenic overlook on top of a mountain. I looked down and noticed several small shells and excitedly called him over. I said, "I can't believe I found fossils here!" The moment it came out of my mouth, I realized they were pistachio shells. So did he. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Campbellsville

Today, I was at a pool party with some friends. We decided to play chicken and I was on the shoulders of the guy I like. Right as we started playing, for some unearthly reason my body decided to let out a little pee. I thought he wouldn't notice since we were already wet. He did. FML

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By Unfortunate - Canada

Today, my boyfriend had a Christmas party for all of our friends. He asked me not to get "too drunk". I think throwing up on the floor while simultaneously peeing your pants fit his definition. FML

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By anonymous409 - 1/12/2020 20:01

Greetings

Today, I was going out to buy some stuff from the store. As I was leaving, my mom warned me to tie my shoelaces; I told her not to worry about it. As I'm walking down the street, I see my crush walking towards me. As I get closer and say hi, I trip on my shoelaces and face-plant into her chest. FML

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By Ali - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Today, my father cut my hair for the first time. Now, I always have to wear a cap when I go outside. FML

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5428

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By Anonymous

Fight!

Today, I overheard my husband of 3 years talking to our boss, an attractive blonde. She was telling him that she couldn't believe he was with me. She thinks I'm fat and ugly and that he's hot. He said, "She's not that bad…" We work in the same store and she follows him around like a puppy. FML

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By Beeper - United States - Champaign

Today, as always, I have Tourette's syndrome. It causes me to occasionally make a beeping noise. My boyfriend just figured out that if he beeps back, it makes me beep again. He thinks it's hilarious and won't stop. FML

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By StillBetterThanTwilight - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my boyfriend told me that he had once been possessed by demons, and that he now sleeps with a knife under his pillow for protection from, "The dark spirits that are feasting upon his soul." I'm not sure that I'll be sleeping over anytime soon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spokane

Today, I went down on my boyfriend, and tried out a new trick I learned. I read in a magazine that if you hum while giving oral, it's supposed to feel good. My boyfriend started laughing and told me to stop after 30 seconds because I reminded him of his singing toothbrush. FML

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55567

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By Anonymous - Australia - Elwood

Today, I got stopped by people asking for donations for their charity services. Being who I am, I hate saying no to people, so I told them "I don't have any money, only my card." Did you know they also accept payment by card? FML

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By forgettable - 21/6/2020 20:08

Revenge is rarely satisfactory

Today, I wanted to rub my success in my ex's face to get her back for breaking my heart. I typed the perfect email, included every detail of opening my own business, buying my own home and cleverly intertwined insults. A few hours later, she replied, "That’s nice. Who’s this?" FML

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By Chocolaty - Australia - Geelong

Today, I spiced things up by lying on the bed and pouring melted white chocolate on myself. I called out to my fiancé to come in. He was 'checking' his favourite scene in Batman vs Superman and couldn't hear me. I was stuck unable to move for ten minutes until he finally heard me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I tried to be seductive to get intimate with my boyfriend. He commented on how sexy I looked, and how badly he wanted me, then asked me to move because I was blocking the TV, and the World Cup match he was watching. FML

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By littl3storm - 1/6/2020 17:00

Sick burn

Today, while sitting an at home university exam, I started getting period cramps. I decided to use a heat patch to help. I left it on for the allotted time, but when I took it off, it peeled my skin off and burnt the surrounding skin. I'm now burnt AND still experiencing cramps. FML

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By fird

Today, my boss made sure to do one last thing before he retired. Fire me. FML

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3954

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By Anonymous - United States - Torrance

Today, I was given the following pearls of wisdom: "My grandmother always told me, if you've got nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. Anyway, she was a cunt and so are you." Thanks, dad. Thanks. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, after months of apartment hunting with my boyfriend, he told me he had found a fantastic place that was really inexpensive. It seemed way too good to be true. It was. He took me to a storage unit. FML

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By prince232 - Australia - Sydney

Today, after having a second interview with a club I want to work for, the interviewer ignored my work references. Instead, he told me he was going to call the only manager I never got along with, for reference in a job I left 5 years ago, because he knows her personally. FML

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By nevaagain - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I saw a cute guy at the coffee shop reading a book. Wanting to be friendly, I smiled as I approached and asked what he was reading. He returned the smile and said, "Minding your damn business, by Fuck Off." FML

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By whowhat - United States

Today, I came home at 1am to find my mom sitting on my couch, ranting about how I'm not supposed to stay up this late. I'm 26 and I don't know how she got into my house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my toddler son walked up to my older daughter and kissed her chest, then said, "I kissed the boob." I have no idea where he learned that word. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I walked through a spider's web with hundreds of baby spiders on it. My afro is now infested. FML

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By - France

Today, I crashed my car racing backwards and told my parents I was rear ended. They made me call the police and file a report. I hope there were no cameras. FML

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By Rosie

Today, I got off a long shift and went to the bus stop. Upon arrival, I saw a girl giving a guy a blowjob. Disgusted, I tried to avoid them and sat on the bench to wait. The girl popped up angrily and looked over at me. "Can't you give us some privacy?!" This is the only bus stop nearby. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I was waiting at a traffic light next to an ice cream van. The man in it turned to me and winked, making sexual hand gestures. I felt my childhood die horribly as I watched. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I found out that the lump in my wrist that keeps getting inflamed and sore is caused by sketching and using my laptop too much. Good thing I'm in my fourth year of studying to become a designer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, my grandparents came over to visit. I'm still not sure if they came to see me or my dog. FML

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38359

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By Joey - United States - Apo

Today, I took my girlfriend to her ex boyfriend's apartment for her to exchange his spare car keys for some of her grandmothers items. I waited outside in the parking lot for an hour, with no idea which door was his. She came out no longer a virgin. FML

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By Soap0015 - United States

Today, I was at work as a lifeguard. The temperature was absolutely stifling, but I tried to tough it out. A couple of hours into my shift, I passed out, fell off my stand, and crashed into the water. Or so the medics tell me. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, after spending two weeks renovating my room and $1000 on paint and a new floor, my landlord told me that he's sold the house. Also, he was kind enough to inform me that unless I paint the walls back to white, I won't be getting my $500 deposit back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westerville

Today, after many years of being single, I finally worked up the courage to ask my coworker out. He said no and gave me "fair warning" that he's going to report me for sexual harassment. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, for the first time in years, I worked up the nerve to ask a work friend if they wanted to hang out sometime. They winced, and said they were busy that day. I hadn't specified a day. FML

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By fxck - South Africa - Durban

Today, while walking home, I passed some guy loudly whining that foreign imports are destroying our economy, and that we should all be deported. When I pointed out that the mobile phone in his hand was clearly a Samsung, he turned bright red and punched me in the gut. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mum came over and helped me sort out my spare room. It was great, we found so many things I'd forgotten I had! Including anal beads. FML

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1518

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By TecheyTim - United States - Latham

Today, a coworker and I pulled a April Fools' joke on our boss. She "borrowed" his keys and rolled down his window. I took a car window from a scrap yard and sprinkled it on the ground near his door. His response was to kick the nearest object in anger. The nearest object happened to be my car. FML

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27194

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got home from work to find my house covered in graffiti dicks, the windows smashed, the front lawn entirely ripped up, and my letter box containing dog shit. I also found a note taped to the door saying, "Suck on this Darren". Darren is my next door neighbor. FML

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By GN - United States - New York

Today, I got stopped by the fuzz. The officer told me he "could care less" about my excuses. He was probably about to let me go without a ticket, but my inner Grammar Nazi kicked in and I explained why he meant to say "couldn't care less." I got the ticket. FML

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By soundbox - United States

Today, I was watching 'Tool Academy' with my girlfriend. When asked which Tool I would be, I replied with Power Tool. She then stated I would be 'Tiny Tool'. I'm 240 pounds. I don't know if she was calling me fat, or saying I have a small penis. My best guess would be both. FML

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Top comments

By DSfriscoe | 2

#4154649 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:31

At least he didn't punch you in the face.

By DocBastard | 38

#4154706 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:38

Who the fuck thinks it's funny to sneak up and try to scare people?

Oh right, your father does. Serves you right, asshat.

COMMENTS

By DSfriscoe | 2

#4154649 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:31

At least he didn't punch you in the face.

CoolBroStory | 7

#4154662 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:32

I am le carrot.

scottieclark | 4

#4154807 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:55

That's hilarious!

cradle6 | 13

#4155606 - Monday 12 March 2012 20:31

That's really where I thought this fml was going.

LolFMLnot | 10

#4155851 - Monday 12 March 2012 21:30

Well, that backfired.

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#4156076 - Monday 12 March 2012 22:56

Troll fail. Better luck next time, little bitch.

Jiplo | 18

#4157201 - Tuesday 13 March 2012 3:05

Epic backfired trolling.

Jonkbaby | 19

#4157343 - Tuesday 13 March 2012 3:41

man, f the briefcase's life

at0micmin3r | 23

#4183395 - Sunday 18 March 2012 23:59

This.

pedosmurf | 7

#5146200 - Wednesday 14 November 2012 0:16

Back down lil bitch haha

By lrgenesis | 19

#4154670 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:33

Hahahaha sounds like my dad. Shoulda punched him lol

nofearjenshere | 12

#4155566 - Monday 12 March 2012 20:24

Yeah, cause its always a great idea to punch your dad...

Pandacupcakelove | 26

#4155930 - Monday 12 March 2012 22:02

Dafuq..

hemz_fml | 13

#4160150 - Tuesday 13 March 2012 20:33

Haha at least u guys r having fun

By MellyBee | 9

#4154685 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:34

If you're willing to play a prank on someone then it should be okay for them to do it to you!

mikeman1744 | 18

#6347743 - Saturday 11 July 2015 20:24

he does seem like a little bitch

By immaMonsta | 8

#4154688 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:34

Ha, don't you love it when that happens?

By ALlamaOnFire | 20

#4154690 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:34

At least he didn't punch you in the junk*

Swiftly | 0

#4158068 - Tuesday 13 March 2012 6:12

Because the first place I aim when I'm going to hit someone is their dick...

GovernorGeneral | 8

#4158346 - Tuesday 13 March 2012 8:44

That is the first rule for self defence. Well its mostly the first...
- prepares for the downthumbs -
Im ready >:(

By DocBastard | 38

#4154706 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:38

Who the fuck thinks it's funny to sneak up and try to scare people?

Oh right, your father does. Serves you right, asshat.

annoytanor | 1

#4166453 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:21

Ever heard of Halloween?

By danishbagel | 3

#4154716 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:40

Counter-pwnd!

DrMime | 10

#4154798 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:53

Cool story, bro.

j_cat187 | 19

#4154849 - Monday 12 March 2012 20:07

Counter strike

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#4156112 - Monday 12 March 2012 23:10

Counter productive

LMA0 | 5

#4158236 - Tuesday 13 March 2012 7:19

Counter intuitive.

By DrMime | 10

#4154718 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:41

Troll dad always takes the cake! Or in this case, the fruit cake. Fruit cake means means gays! :D

iLikeSportz33 | 0

#4155671 - Monday 12 March 2012 20:42

Is this supposed to be funny?

theevilduchess | 12

#4155687 - Monday 12 March 2012 20:49

Gawd I hope not.

DrMime | 10

#4155713 - Monday 12 March 2012 20:55

What's a computer?

samikitty961 | 8

#4156026 - Monday 12 March 2012 22:46

I love DrMime!

By christinnaaa | 10

#4154728 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:43

hey at least you know you will be on top of your game when youre older. (;

By PaulB123 | 11

#4154730 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:43

Karma. Kar-ma!

Canucks8506 | 0

#4162723 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 9:31

Leafs suck.