Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up on my dad while...

By gengiskarn69 - 12/3/2012 14:55 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up on my dad while he was rummaging through his briefcase. He must have heard me, because the moment I got up close, he whirled around and yelled "BOO!" causing me to scream like a little bitch. FML

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Miscellaneous

Not gonna happen

Lockdown is driving us down

Bad news

By Anonymous - 12/3/2017 04:00

Today, I went to my kid's band concert. She's 12 and in the advanced team. They were the first ones to play and they were so incredibly bad that I laughed. Really, really loud. I was escorted out of the recital. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2014 14:24 - Canada - Bridgewater

Today, I started my job selling perfume in a department store. I decided to be creative and sprayed a little perfume towards the first person who walked by. She had an allergic reaction, and an ambulance had to be called. FML

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By MitchFail - 23/7/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, in the midst of foreplay, this girl tells me I am so hot, I respond "Ditto." She heatedly responds "I love ditto," to which I suavely reply "I didn't know you were into Pokémon. That may make you even sexier." She knows nothing about Pokémon, but I sure know how to kill the mood. FML

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By LY2 - 25/10/2019 02:00

Keep it in the family

Today, I found out why my boyfriend won't come over anymore. He and my brother apparently had a "thing" before we started dating. FML

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By soundbox - 27/1/2009 00:21 - United States

Today, I was watching 'Tool Academy' with my girlfriend. When asked which Tool I would be, I replied with Power Tool. She then stated I would be 'Tiny Tool'. I'm 240 pounds. I don't know if she was calling me fat, or saying I have a small penis. My best guess would be both. FML

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By n/a - 25/11/2009 07:36 - United States

Today, I was working at a children's play centre, and my stomach was twisting and turning. Thinking no one was around, I let out a small fart, only to turn and see a little girl running to her mom yelling, "Mommy-mommy that lady just farted and it sounded like daddy!" FML

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By MB - 28/11/2011 06:30 - United States

Today, I called a friend of mine who was recently in an accident. She told me that the head trauma has caused her to lose all sense of smell and taste. To try and cheer her up, I suggested I take her out to lunch. FML

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By ssssssssuck a dick, boss - 18/8/2013 17:29 - United States - Kalispell

Today, my manager took me aside and angrily told me to quit fucking about with our customers. He totally refuses to believe that the slight whistling sound I keep making when I exhale is because I have a chipped tooth. FML

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By jess - 7/3/2010 14:08 - South Africa

Today, I had a sip of my coffee and felt a lump of some kind enter my mouth. I thought it was a bit of biscuit, and then remembered I didn't have biscuits this morning with my coffee. I took it out of my mouth and it was a huge black fly. I then spat the rest of my coffee all over my laptop. FML

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By Candy_Crushed - 8/9/2017 22:30 - United States - Mims

Today, after nearly three years of no contact whatsoever, I received a Facebook notification from my father. Eager to see what he said, I pulled it up only to see a game request. He had run out of lives on Candy Crush. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2013 03:11 - United States - Omaha

Today, I had to take my boyfriend to the emergency room to get stitches from cutting his arm during sex. I sat there while he explained to the doctor how it was the best orgasm ever. FML

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By MotherNatureMustDie - 27/10/2009 12:32 - South Africa

Today, my telephone line was hit by lightning. I discovered that not only will lightning fry a router, it will also destroy any PCs connected to that router via network cables. I also discovered that a $10 phone line surge protector would have saved nearly $3,000 worth of PC equipment. FML

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By screwed - 18/6/2011 08:51 - United States

Today, my marriage counselor got divorced. FML

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By Addison - 25/6/2012 00:28 - Canada - Kingston

Today, my sister was "sexting" her boyfriend over Apple messages. Since we share an iTunes account the messages appeared on my iPod. Apparently, he shouldn't be silly, and should wrap his willy. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2013 01:47 - Australia

Today, I took my driver's test. I did everything flawlessly, but my examiner kept all but pissing his pants throughout. He yelled, "ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US KILLED?!" when I drove past a traffic light just as it was about to turn red. The road was almost empty. He failed me on the spot. FML

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By dickbag - 25/11/2015 05:23 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, my mom hates my grandmother (her mother-in-law) so much that she's trying to guilt me into not visiting her when I come home for Thanksgiving. I wouldn't be coming home for Thanksgiving in the first place, but my grandmother bought me the plane ticket. FML

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By never-even-owned-a-car - 30/8/2020 17:02

Broke

Today, it's the tenth anniversary of me getting my driver's license. My record is perfect: no accidents, no tickets. Today is also the tenth anniversary of the last time I drove a car. FML

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By TheWriter - 1/9/2017 04:30

Book club gone wild!

Today, during a family gathering, my mom, grandmother, and aunts started talking about an erotic novel they're all reading on Amazon. My cousin asked for the writer's name and I heard my pseudonym in response. My entire family is reading my horribly-written porn. FML

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By Fatty - 28/12/2011 07:57 - United States

Today, I found out that I've been using a "Trick Scale" that my family bought to boost my self esteem so I'd think I was losing weight. I found this out at my physical, where I learned I have actually gained ten pounds. FML

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By snarly1 - 6/12/2011 08:57 - United States

Today, my boss asked me what language I was speaking. I was clearly speaking English, but apparently, "indifferent" is too big a word for him to understand. I don't know how he got into a management position. FML

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By MomStayOutOfTheCar - 4/8/2015 04:23 - United States

Today, I got a ticket for "suspicious driving" because my total shit of a mother kept tugging on the wheel to annoy me, and I still had to pay it. FML

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By Scarred - 22/9/2018 12:00

Today, my Nana asked me to get her a book from her nightstand, but failed to specify which nightstand was hers. I stumbled across my grandparents' collection of sex toys instead. FML

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By shit - 31/1/2009 04:40 - United States

Today, I found my drunken roommate asleep in my bed, naked, after he'd peed himself. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2015 09:04 - Australia

Today, I went through the nightmare of having to go to my doctor so he could remove a living spider from my nasal cavity. FML

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By emancipate me - 15/5/2016 19:59 - United States - Knoxville

Today, my mom was in a really bad mood, so I stayed in my room to avoid her. It didn't take long before she barged in and started bitching about my dog, who'd pissed her off by acting too happy. Yes, she's actually that insane, and I have to deal with it on a daily basis. FML

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By Tasha84 - 20/11/2010 05:21 - United States

Today, I got an electric razor and a lesson from my dad on how to shave my mustache and chin. I also got my period. FML

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By MrLonelyHertz - 24/8/2016 23:41 - United States - Kingman

Today, I sat down for class. The second I sat down, the guy next to me stood up and moved all the way to the other side of the class. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2011 18:26 - Canada

Today, I woke up to what I thought was my 9 month old son breastfeeding. It was my boyfriend. According to him, he wanted to experience what his mother never gave him as a kid. FML

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By big_bail - 3/4/2015 23:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out I wasn't invited to the annual family reunion. The reason? Everyone thinks I'm "creepy" because I'm the only adult who will go out and play with the kids. FML

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By areyoukiddingme - 1/10/2015 05:56 - United States - Phoenixville

Today, I met my boyfriend's other girlfriend. She then informed me that he has a wife, and that they have an open relationship. Thanks for keeping me in the loop, honey. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2020 17:01

Negotiations

Today, I had to tell my 28-year-old roommate she needs to wash her hands after using the bathroom. She then said she’d try, as long as I try to put my dishes in the dishwasher. Those aren’t even on the same level. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2009 19:48 - United States

Today, I had to go to the dentist to have a cavity filled. Around halfway through the procedure, something broke the silence in the room. It was my dentist, who had farted. I had to smell his rancid flatulence for around the next five minutes. All the while, I had to keep my mouth wide open. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2011 03:23 - United States

Today, my 2 year-old son decided to pee on the dog for the second day in a row. I'm afraid this will turn into a routine thing. FML

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By girlfriday - 11/6/2009 15:21 - United Kingdom

Today, my left-handed boss needed PC help. I said "right-click for the menu." She said nothing happened. Three times we went through this. Eventually I went over, asking her to show me what she did. She was using her right hand on the left mouse button. She earns £10,000 more than me. FML

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By amireallyloved - 17/2/2010 06:38 - United States

Today, I found out the reason my boyfriend asked me out was because the fortune ball app on his iPod told him to. FML

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By Robert - 13/9/2013 01:11 - United States - Drummond Island

Today, I pulled my motorcycle into a wheelie when my crush drove by. She was the one who drove me to the hospital when I went over backward. FML

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By stinky breath - 15/7/2014 21:24 - United States - Whittier

Today, I taught my 23-year-old boyfriend how to correctly brush his teeth. FML

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By chocobo - 11/7/2018 01:30

Supreme Betrayal

Today, I discovered that my family routinely waits until after my bedtime to order a pepperoni pizza, my favorite food. If that wasn't bad enough, I'm 17 and still have a strictly enforced bedtime. FML

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By the unfortunate man - 19/7/2013 04:29 - United States - Salisbury

Today, I was using the urinal when another guy came in. His friends decided to scare him while he was using the urinal next to mine. They jumped out at him, he turned around and ended up peeing all over me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2013 20:51 - United States - Lake Stevens

Today, my father took revenge on me for bankrupting him in a game of Monopoly. His revenge consisted of having a truckload of sand dumped in my driveway while I was at work. FML

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Top comments

By DSfriscoe | 2

#4154649 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:31

At least he didn't punch you in the face.

By DocBastard | 38

#4154706 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:38

Who the fuck thinks it's funny to sneak up and try to scare people?

Oh right, your father does. Serves you right, asshat.

COMMENTS

By DSfriscoe | 2

#4154649 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:31

At least he didn't punch you in the face.

CoolBroStory | 7

#4154662 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:32

I am le carrot.

scottieclark | 4

#4154807 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:55

That's hilarious!

cradle6 | 13

#4155606 - Monday 12 March 2012 20:31

That's really where I thought this fml was going.

LolFMLnot | 10

#4155851 - Monday 12 March 2012 21:30

Well, that backfired.

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#4156076 - Monday 12 March 2012 22:56

Troll fail. Better luck next time, little bitch.

Jiplo | 18

#4157201 - Tuesday 13 March 2012 3:05

Epic backfired trolling.

Jonkbaby | 19

#4157343 - Tuesday 13 March 2012 3:41

man, f the briefcase's life

at0micmin3r | 23

#4183395 - Sunday 18 March 2012 23:59

This.

pedosmurf | 7

#5146200 - Wednesday 14 November 2012 0:16

Back down lil bitch haha

By lrgenesis | 19

#4154670 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:33

Hahahaha sounds like my dad. Shoulda punched him lol

nofearjenshere | 12

#4155566 - Monday 12 March 2012 20:24

Yeah, cause its always a great idea to punch your dad...

Pandacupcakelove | 26

#4155930 - Monday 12 March 2012 22:02

Dafuq..

hemz_fml | 13

#4160150 - Tuesday 13 March 2012 20:33

Haha at least u guys r having fun

By MellyBee | 9

#4154685 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:34

If you're willing to play a prank on someone then it should be okay for them to do it to you!

mikeman1744 | 18

#6347743 - Saturday 11 July 2015 20:24

he does seem like a little bitch

By immaMonsta | 8

#4154688 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:34

Ha, don't you love it when that happens?

By ALlamaOnFire | 20

#4154690 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:34

At least he didn't punch you in the junk*

Swiftly | 0

#4158068 - Tuesday 13 March 2012 6:12

Because the first place I aim when I'm going to hit someone is their dick...

GovernorGeneral | 8

#4158346 - Tuesday 13 March 2012 8:44

That is the first rule for self defence. Well its mostly the first...
- prepares for the downthumbs -
Im ready >:(

By DocBastard | 38

#4154706 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:38

Who the fuck thinks it's funny to sneak up and try to scare people?

Oh right, your father does. Serves you right, asshat.

annoytanor | 1

#4166453 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:21

Ever heard of Halloween?

By danishbagel | 3

#4154716 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:40

Counter-pwnd!

DrMime | 10

#4154798 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:53

Cool story, bro.

j_cat187 | 19

#4154849 - Monday 12 March 2012 20:07

Counter strike

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#4156112 - Monday 12 March 2012 23:10

Counter productive

LMA0 | 5

#4158236 - Tuesday 13 March 2012 7:19

Counter intuitive.

By DrMime | 10

#4154718 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:41

Troll dad always takes the cake! Or in this case, the fruit cake. Fruit cake means means gays! :D

iLikeSportz33 | 0

#4155671 - Monday 12 March 2012 20:42

Is this supposed to be funny?

theevilduchess | 12

#4155687 - Monday 12 March 2012 20:49

Gawd I hope not.

DrMime | 10

#4155713 - Monday 12 March 2012 20:55

What's a computer?

samikitty961 | 8

#4156026 - Monday 12 March 2012 22:46

I love DrMime!

By christinnaaa | 10

#4154728 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:43

hey at least you know you will be on top of your game when youre older. (;

By PaulB123 | 11

#4154730 - Monday 12 March 2012 19:43

Karma. Kar-ma!

Canucks8506 | 0

#4162723 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 9:31

Leafs suck.