Kids: Today, I went into a haunted house. Around 30 seconds into the... - FML

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went into a haunted house. Around 30 seconds into the adventure, I couldn't stop screaming at the top of my lungs from all of the scares. Suddenly, the little girl ahead of me, who was all by herself, turned around and told me to "suck it up and grow a pair, loser." FML

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Serious times

Walk on the wild side

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By almostkilledmyself - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I realized something: when other people are drunk, they dance around and make out with people. When I'm drunk, I apparently think it's a great idea to chew on electrical cords. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to wait an hour in the awful rain for my mom to pick me up, because she didn't realize the clocks had gone forward already. FML

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By MyLife

Today, my best friend broke up with her partner. In retaliation, he got drunk and stole my car, then crashed it into a neighbour's house. Then after dealing with the police who didn't arrest him, he and my best friend made up and went to bed. FML

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By Imwalkinghere - United States

Today, while I was walking to class, I was hit by a car. The driver stopped to let me cross in front of her, started moving again, hit me, and then yelled at me, saying it was my fault for walking in front of her. FML

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By brokeandhungry - United States

Today, I saw a little girl digging in the gravel inside the fireworks tent I work in. After she and her family left, I went and used my foot to smooth out the mound she'd made. In doing so, I discovered that she wasn't digging, she was burying. She'd pooped. FML

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By heck

Today, I took a drug test. Not only did I fail the drug test, but I mostly missed the sample cup and got urine all over my pants. FML

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By Trapped. - United States - Birmingham

Today, I had planned to break up with my overbearing girlfriend. She went into complete denial mode, bought me a pair of oversized sunglasses and tomorrow we're going ice-skating. Kill me now. FML

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By :| - New Zealand - Nelson

Today, my 6-year-old daughter touched a tray I'd just pulled out of the oven. I quickly swatted her hand away, but then noticed she wasn't hurt or burned at all. I then gingerly touched the tray and got scalded. My daughter giggled maniacally as I screamed. To be honest, I'm now terrified of her. FML

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By camzzz - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were walking around when she got lost in a crowd. And me, being a pig, playfully grabbed her butt. I realized it wasn't hers when the guy whose butt I'd grabbed by accident knocked me unconscious. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Inspired

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend. I started to come, screaming, "Ah... ah... ah... AHH!" To which he added, "Staying alive! Staying alive!" FML

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By Loser - Germany - Neuburg

Today, following a 6-hour roundtrip after having lost both games from a baseball doubleheader, I was pleasantly surprised to see that my 4-year-old son was still up. After updating him on the day's results, he went off to bed with the words, "Good night, loser." FML

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By SadFace - United States

Today, my looks alone made a girl cry. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my anxiety disorder has escalated to where I now scratch and pick at my face while asleep. Now I get to sleep with oven mitts taped to my hands. FML

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By mommy - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day back to work since having my first baby. To show I had caught up on everything, I had to give a presentation at the end of the day to the heads of my department. It went really well until the end, when one of them pointed out that breast-milk had been leaking through my clothes the entire time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my son and daughter that their father and I were getting a divorce. They each responded with "YAY! I want to live with daddy! He buys better presents." Their father has literally never bought anything for them, the exact reason I'm divorcing him. FML

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By Megan - Canada

Today, my mum came home from a business trip. My four-year-old brother, who I'd been watching, told her I was "sexing" my boyfriend a lot after I put him to bed. After lots of arguing, she banned me from seeing him and took my car away. Only much later did I realize my brother meant "texting". FML

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By thjeltz - Canada

Today, I was showering at hockey practice. It would have been business as usual, if not for one of my teammates playing with his junk and not-so-subtly asked me to connect. There are 5 more months of hockey. FML

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By varunet2004 - India

Today, I confronted my boss for his inadequate contribution in our work. He accepted his inadequacy and apologized for not doing enough. He now expects me to work on everything singlehandedly since he has already clarified his inadequacy. FML

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By brokeandalone - United States

Today, I found out my wife has been bribing my daughter to keep quiet about her affair with my boss. That would explain the iPhone 4S, the $500 shoes, the $200 purse, and the professional $300 haircut. They told me it was because she had straight A's. FML

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By dlova - United States

Today, I was at a party and spent the whole night bragging to my friends about how I thought this girl was totally into me. As we were leaving, we saw the same girl making out with my ex. FML

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By mymomplucksbutthair - United States

Today, my mom confessed to me that she used to pluck my step-dad's butt hair. I hope the brain-gods delete this obnoxious mental picture. FML

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By Anonymous

Economy class

Today, my wife and I moved into our new place. I'm recovering from back surgery and out of work. To help make up the rent, her boyfriend moved in too. FML

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By whosurdaddy

Today, I'm attending a party where drunken women just can't seem to keep their clothes on. Those drunken women are my daughters. FML

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By Parusu - United States - Orlando

Today, a woman pushed a stroller in front of my car. Thinking I'd hit someone, I jumped out. Turns out it was a doll. The "woman" was a 14-year-old girl, claiming, "I did it for the Vine!" FML

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By svsksosnns - United States - Olympia

Today, I went on the road for work for the first time in a very long time. I was enjoying lunch with co-workers when my phone got bombarded with calls and texts. Turns out my wife and mother had gotten into a fight within two hours of me being away. FML

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By jessie - 16/12/2020 20:58 - United States - Denver

Armchair psychiatrist

Today, I was informed that I am, in fact, faking my depression. Why? Because I shower daily. FML

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By wah wah "you raised him" - United States - San Francisco

Today, I walked in on my son holding a lighter to the end of a pen and sniffing the fumes. Apparently he thought it would get him high. FML

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By Oreo

Today, my dad and stepmom came back from a very expensive two-month trip across the world. When they got home, they had more gifts for their cat than for me. FML

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By SweeT

Today, I tried to pick up two girls by asking them what time it was. They burst out laughing. FML

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By zed - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I took a girl out to dinner. Halfway through, she sighed and asked if it was all an episode of Disaster Date. FML

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By pool party - United States - Rockford

Today, a few freshmen jumped my fence. They decided to take a dip in the pool, so I pulled out a paintball gun. I unloaded over 100 rounds, painting their backs bright yellow. It also dyed my pool yellow, and it'll apparently cost around $500 to repair. FML

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By dumpedtaco

Today, as I was planning my impending nuptials with my fiancé, my sister jokingly told him it's not too late to call it off. He took her seriously and bailed. He won’t answer my calls. FML

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By Garfield - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was starting to get freaky with my boyfriend when his dad came in with no warning to let the dog into my boyfriend's bedroom. His dad noticed what was going on and covered the dog's eyes instead of just leaving. FML

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By addicted2v - United States

Today, I found out the guy that my girlfriend introduced as her brother was actually her boyfriend. I also paid for him to come out with us to the movies several times. FML

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By fleur_de_fevrier - Ireland

Today, I finally decided to go Christmas shopping. It's only once I arrived that I realized that I had forgotten my wallet. FML

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By Laughluv - United States

Today, I realized that I have been playing a little too much Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. I realized this when I was watching a youtube video and there was someone walking in the background who I impulsively tried to gun down and kill by moving my mouse over him and clicking repeatedly. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, one of my work colleagues was staring at my severe sunburn. She wanted to know if she could "peel" me, when my sunburn becomes "ripe", because she loves the sound. She won't take no for an answer, and I work with her everyday this week. FML

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By justwow - United Kingdom

Any day now…

Today, I must be the only person who has been taking the contraceptive pill for six years without ever needing to use it as a contraceptive. FML

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By Ro - United States

Today, my car was stolen. I got it back later without the engine, any of the wheels or my brand new radio and speakers. They even took my car mats. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents gave me my birthday present. Two weeks ago, I ordered an xbox online. Three days ago, it came to my house, and my parents thought they could save money by putting wrapping paper on it, and giving it to me for my birthday. That's all they got me. FML

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Top comments

By sweetdreams20 | 0

#1639125 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:06

so ur a male and a little girl told u out?! please don't say u were also on a date...

By unfortunate_13 | 5

#1639127 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:07

OP, she's right.

COMMENTS

By EpicPear | 0

#1639076 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 8:58

people who reply to this comment are stupid! :D

Reply

EpicPear | 0

#1639096 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:00

already?!!

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1639218 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:38

grow a pear

Reply

Shookitup | 0

#1639234 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:44

I see what you did there :)

Reply

InDenial | 6

#1639319 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 11:06

Haha that was punny.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#1639700 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 13:15

Grow a pear. Ha!

Anyway, I love playing around on stuf like doin stupid stuff on rollercoasters or somathing "scary" an yelling in a funny voice and weird accent

"Sumbady healp may!" (somebody help me)

Reply

KingDingALing | 9

#1639830 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 14:31

^ It's really not the same on the internet.

Reply

megamandude455 | 10

#1639879 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 15:03

what'd you say 2?

Reply

Muscle_Car_Fan | 0

#1639911 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 15:27

I agree, 50

Reply

fearfulsymmetry | 1

#1640323 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 17:01

#38, reading your comment made me want to bash my head against my keyboard.

Reply

that1guyyy | 12

#1641341 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:23

good. I hope you die from the head trauma

Reply

myshoe | 0

#1641942 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 1:45

number 19 we should talk

Reply

darkgeo | 2

#1642105 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 2:24

71- overly harsh much?

Reply

sideboobbarney | 3

#3205531 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 15:51

It's called trolling

By elloelen | 0

#1639101 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:02

ydi for over exaggerating

Reply

yucayucatan | 0

#1639139 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:09

agreed! I hate people that just can't control theirselves. its very irritating

Reply

ActionManly | 11

#1639786 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 14:01

I think anyone that refers to a haunted house as an "adventure" is seriously testicularly challenged.

Reply

TookiMyCooki | 0

#1639795 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 14:09

lol so true^

Reply

averageirishman | 0

#1641104 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 20:59

i think that anyone one who says over exagerating doesn't deserve to speak. It's just exagerating. No over.

Reply

Kua_Mei | 0

#1641611 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 0:20

exaggerating *

Reply

allforthetaking | 0

#1642698 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 5:38

am tired of all the grammar Nazis. ur not the only ones who speaks English. relax!! it's not a big deal.

Reply

FTWisRIGHT | 0

#1655849 - Saturday 6 November 2010 3:46

"ur" is not a word.

Reply

Raeser | 7

#5197990 - Thursday 29 November 2012 17:53

I'm*
You're*
Relax*
It's*

Reply

jmx14 | 12

#5882492 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 2:18

But what if the girl wasn't even there?

By sweetdreams20 | 0

#1639114 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:05

your a male and a little girl told you out.... sorry :(

Reply

ibitehard | 9

#1640558 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 17:53

He just got tried like a free sample at Cosco xD
(I don't know how to spell it please don't kill me grammar natzi people)

By jess2gd4u | 0

#1639116 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:05

lol got told by a lil kid. haha

By sweetdreams20 | 0

#1639125 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:06

so ur a male and a little girl told u out?! please don't say u were also on a date...

Reply

lollipopXx | 0

#1642887 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 6:35

that would be to funny if he was! lol

By unfortunate_13 | 5

#1639127 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:07

OP, she's right.

By MissErikaHart | 0

#1639130 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:08

sissy

By dreamering | 16

#1639134 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:08

Take it easy. What are you going to do after your 30th marriage anniversary?

Reply

rene22 | 18

#1639738 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 13:29

lol only If his wife wants a wimp for a man

By misoHappy | 0

#1639136 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:09

pwned!!

By Cygnus_9 | 3

#1639170 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:19

hahahahaha..