Today, I went into a haunted house. Around 30 seconds into the... - FML

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went into a haunted house. Around 30 seconds into the adventure, I couldn't stop screaming at the top of my lungs from all of the scares. Suddenly, the little girl ahead of me, who was all by herself, turned around and told me to "suck it up and grow a pair, loser." FML

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Instadrama

Thanks for the miracle

Understanding

By hearing too much

The sound of silence

Today, the walls in my house are so thin that I heard my roommate yell from the bathroom upstairs, "Hear my butthole roar." Now I’m scared to use the bathroom after him. FML

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By SwimSquid - United States

Today, my mom and I went to Winn-Dixie. I told her I was going to a different isle 5 minutes later I hear my name on the intercom to go to the front of the store. As I go I see my mom crying, she comes and hugs me and tells me she thought I was lost. Im 22, I had my cell phone, and I drove there. FML

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By Jobless in Seattle - United States - Katy

Today, after waking up in a panic because I was running late for work again, I realized I was fired for that exact reason the day before. FML

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By novacabudsforme - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, my mother told me that I could take a friend on vacation with us. Then she added that because I have no friends, my brother can bring his girlfriend instead. FML

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By kewtness_17 - United States

Today, I got mad at my 4 year old son for cussing me out. Afterwards, I went upstairs to get ready for the day. When I came back downstairs I found him pooping on my brand new leather couch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me the reason he can't keep an erection while we have sex is that I'm not attractive enough. FML

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By hk - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I was introduced to the girl my current boyfriend went out with while dating me. FML

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By StrandedWhale - United Kingdom

Today, I got knocked over at the park by a rampant dog. My fiancé stood by laughing his ass off as I repeatedly tried to stand up, only to be knocked back down again. I'm seven months pregnant. FML

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By merrymary - United States

Today, I moved in with my new roommate. She's a vegetarian, and won't let me put my meat in the fridge because it will "contaminate her food". FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, my brother "borrowed" my car and keys without asking me. He came back 4 hours later, alone and pale faced. It took half an hour of questions, interrogation, and finally threats before he admitted that my car is sitting in a ditch a few miles away, probably totaled. FML

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By justjust - United States

Today, I was at work at a preschool. I was sitting outside with the kids and was getting bored so I started singing. One of the little girls runs up and puts her hand over my mouth and tells me to stop. I'm in a select chorus at my highschool and plan to major in choral studies in college. FML

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By CarouselHeart - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I got a letter stating that now that I'm in my mid-twenties, I need to start getting cervical exams. The only people interested in getting anywhere near my vagina are doctors. FML

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By anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I managed to spill piping hot oil all over my kitchen floor, thinking it was too hot to clean right then and there I left it for a few hours to cool. I forgot about it, and slipped over in it bashing my head into my cupboard handle, FML

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By Wowthanks - United States - Greeley

Today, I asked the girl I like if she had her eye on anyone, subtly hinting that I wanted to date her. I sat there while she confessed her love for her cousin. FML

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By hamster cookie - France

Today, my 6 year old son learned that if you give a mouse a cookie, he will ask for a glass of milk. But if you give a hamster a cookie, he will try to shove the whole thing in his mouth, choke, and die. FML

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By Damian

Today, my mom confused me with my dad. She got in the shower with me. FML

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By Madison43097 - United States

Today, I was cleaning out from underneath my bed and found a used condom. I've never had sex in my own room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Plaquemine

Today, I showed up at my brother's house for a visit. Little did I know, there was a family gathering. My bestfriend was invited and I wasn't. She's "more fun and less awkward" than I am. FML

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By kfenton - United States

Today, I found out that guys will only flirt with me when they're drunk, and even then only when they realize that my best friend is out of their league. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I turned 17. My parents completely forgot it was my birthday, and when I reminded them, my dad thought it was my 18th. He was ecstatic and mentioned that I can "finally get the hell out." FML

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By Guilpie - Germany - Heidelberg

Today, I politely asked our overweight neighbour to park on her side of the garage. Three unsuccessful tries later, she drives out and parks on the street in a huff, and I'm now the world's biggest bastard because she can't legally park on her side and still open her door due to her size. FML

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By WhereforeArtThouJustice - Portugal

Today, one of my classmates asked the teacher to postpone her presentation because she had to study and the teacher happily agreed. When I approached her, the teacher started yelling at me because postponing deadlines is irresponsible. I just wanted to make sure we didn't need to bring our book. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Rugby

Dating is hell

Today, I had my third date with a lovely guy. After I got home, I figured I'd try to see if I could find his Facebook profile. I did. His pictures were nice; lovely wedding photos for sure, and his newborn baby is adorable. FML

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By Hikara - Australia

Today, my girlfriend and I were watching TV. She starts to undo my belt buckle, unzips my fly and then takes my pants off. Right as I'm starting to get really excited, she says to me, "Just joking." FML

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By ks.swan13

Today, I got a call about my dog who went missing a week ago. The guy who called said "We have your dog, but you aren't getting her back." Then he hung up. FML

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By single pringle - United States - Morristown

Today, my boyfriend came home from college for the first time in weeks just to visit me. I was so excited that I spent two hours getting ready. Turns out he was only coming back to dump me. Now I'm single and out of foundation. FML

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By nekoneko - United States

Today, I found out my mom pretended to be me and had AIM conversations with my boyfriend. FML

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By olive_costume - Australia

Today, I went into my room and found a plastic snake on the floor. I yelled out to my sister, "Good one, Ellen!" I picked up the snake to take it to show her. The snake started moving in my hands and bit me. I had to go to the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Burnside

Today, my wife pressed a button in the elevator and quickly ran out, leaving me in there with my crying baby. When the elevator arrived at the floor, the doors opened on a wedding reception. The doors couldn't have taken any longer to close again FML

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By bear92 - United States

Today, I went outside a friend's house to find that my car had been saran wrapped. I cleaned it up and went back inside the house. An hour later, I heard a doorbell ring so I went outside the house. They saran wrapped my car again. FML

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By fucksake - Malaysia - Seri Kembangan

Today, at age 31, I was about to finally lose my virginity. As we tumbled onto the bed, an excruciating pain shot through my stomach. It turned out to be a hernia, and no, I didn't get laid in the end. FML

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By emilyhendrix0414 - United States

Today, my 5-year-old, overweight Siberian Husky tackled me because he thought that my lipstick was food. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dad made me figure out how to disable the adult content filters on our internet. He spent what must have been a full 10 minutes on a distracting, long-winded speech about how he doesn't want to look up porn, but "it's just the principle of the damn thing". Sure, dad. Sure. FML

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By Tali - Australia

Today, my husband threw out all of the spices in the cupboard. When I asked him why he said, "Our cat was named Spicy and I can't stand to look at them." Our recently deceased cat's name was Dicey. FML

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By ari - United States

Today, I woke up to NYPD detectives banging on my door with flashlights, looking for some criminal who used to live in my house. Apparently, when they showed the man's mugshot to my neighbors upstairs, for some reason they identified the man as my husband. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - N?rresundby

Today, I sharted during my wedding vows. FML

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By dirty deeds - 31/5/2020 14:00

Still better than the Cats movie

Today, my brother’s cat pissed on my brand new bed. He refuses to replace the mattress, and claims it wasn’t his cat. We only have one cat. FML

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By UhOh - United States

Today, after weeks of drinking my mom's vodka and replacing it with water, it now only tastes like water. She has a habit of drinking on Fridays. Today is Friday. My life is a ticking time bomb. FML

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By NO NO NO - Netherlands - Den Haag

Today, I came home a little earlier than usual, only to walk in on my dad frantically trying to remove a ballgag from my mom's mouth. FML

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By aunty_social

Today, I took my 5-year-old nephew camping. I was about to take him to the outhouse for a bathroom break when he flung the door of the camper open and shouted at the top of his lungs to the entire campground, "We are going to poop now!" FML

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Top comments

By sweetdreams20 | 0

#1639125 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:06

so ur a male and a little girl told u out?! please don't say u were also on a date...

By unfortunate_13 | 5

#1639127 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:07

OP, she's right.

COMMENTS

By EpicPear | 0

#1639076 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 8:58

people who reply to this comment are stupid! :D

Reply

EpicPear | 0

#1639096 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:00

already?!!

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1639218 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:38

grow a pear

Reply

Shookitup | 0

#1639234 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:44

I see what you did there :)

Reply

InDenial | 6

#1639319 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 11:06

Haha that was punny.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#1639700 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 13:15

Grow a pear. Ha!

Anyway, I love playing around on stuf like doin stupid stuff on rollercoasters or somathing "scary" an yelling in a funny voice and weird accent

"Sumbady healp may!" (somebody help me)

Reply

KingDingALing | 9

#1639830 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 14:31

^ It's really not the same on the internet.

Reply

megamandude455 | 10

#1639879 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 15:03

what'd you say 2?

Reply

Muscle_Car_Fan | 0

#1639911 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 15:27

I agree, 50

Reply

fearfulsymmetry | 1

#1640323 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 17:01

#38, reading your comment made me want to bash my head against my keyboard.

Reply

that1guyyy | 12

#1641341 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:23

good. I hope you die from the head trauma

Reply

myshoe | 0

#1641942 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 1:45

number 19 we should talk

Reply

darkgeo | 2

#1642105 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 2:24

71- overly harsh much?

Reply

sideboobbarney | 3

#3205531 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 15:51

It's called trolling

By elloelen | 0

#1639101 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:02

ydi for over exaggerating

Reply

yucayucatan | 0

#1639139 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:09

agreed! I hate people that just can't control theirselves. its very irritating

Reply

ActionManly | 11

#1639786 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 14:01

I think anyone that refers to a haunted house as an "adventure" is seriously testicularly challenged.

Reply

TookiMyCooki | 0

#1639795 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 14:09

lol so true^

Reply

averageirishman | 0

#1641104 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 20:59

i think that anyone one who says over exagerating doesn't deserve to speak. It's just exagerating. No over.

Reply

Kua_Mei | 0

#1641611 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 0:20

exaggerating *

Reply

allforthetaking | 0

#1642698 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 5:38

am tired of all the grammar Nazis. ur not the only ones who speaks English. relax!! it's not a big deal.

Reply

FTWisRIGHT | 0

#1655849 - Saturday 6 November 2010 3:46

"ur" is not a word.

Reply

Raeser | 7

#5197990 - Thursday 29 November 2012 17:53

I'm*
You're*
Relax*
It's*

Reply

jmx14 | 12

#5882492 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 2:18

But what if the girl wasn't even there?

By sweetdreams20 | 0

#1639114 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:05

your a male and a little girl told you out.... sorry :(

Reply

ibitehard | 9

#1640558 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 17:53

He just got tried like a free sample at Cosco xD
(I don't know how to spell it please don't kill me grammar natzi people)

By jess2gd4u | 0

#1639116 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:05

lol got told by a lil kid. haha

By sweetdreams20 | 0

#1639125 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:06

so ur a male and a little girl told u out?! please don't say u were also on a date...

Reply

lollipopXx | 0

#1642887 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 6:35

that would be to funny if he was! lol

By unfortunate_13 | 5

#1639127 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:07

OP, she's right.

By MissErikaHart | 0

#1639130 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:08

sissy

By dreamering | 16

#1639134 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:08

Take it easy. What are you going to do after your 30th marriage anniversary?

Reply

rene22 | 18

#1639738 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 13:29

lol only If his wife wants a wimp for a man

By misoHappy | 0

#1639136 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:09

pwned!!

By Cygnus_9 | 3

#1639170 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:19

hahahahaha..