Kids: Today, I went into a haunted house. Around 30 seconds into the... - FML

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went into a haunted house. Around 30 seconds into the adventure, I couldn't stop screaming at the top of my lungs from all of the scares. Suddenly, the little girl ahead of me, who was all by herself, turned around and told me to "suck it up and grow a pair, loser." FML

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Season finale

Miss me yet?

Never flip flop and drive

By Anonymous - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, I overheard my dad say "Last time I didn't use a condom, I ended up with Steven, so for god's sake use 'em." I'm Steven. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was picking my daughter up at day care. She was outside playing kick ball. A red ball rolls over to me, and trying to impress the kids, I kicked it over the slide. I turn around to see three crying six year olds. It was their hamster ball. FML

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By JD - United States

Today, while I was making love to my wife, she looks up and says, "I'll paint the ceiling white." FML

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By Bridget Jones? - United Kingdom - Wolverhampton

Today, I found out that my family has a bet on how long I will be single for. FML

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By nottililgirl - United States

Today, after taking a shower, I noticed a weird noise and asked my husband about it. "I think it's in the walls," I told him. After careful inspection, he simply turned off the electric razor I had just used to shave my legs and gave me 'that' look. I had beaten him in an IQ test not 24 hours prior. FML

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By sleepingbeauty - United States - Jackson

Today, I got in a fight with my boyfriend. I sent him a long message pouring my heart out about how hurt I am that he constantly ignores me or responds to almost everything I say in monosyllables. He texted back "ok". FML

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By awskme - France

Today, I was having passionate sex with my girlfiend of nine months. She's making a lot of noise so I tell her to keep it down and remind her my parents and sister downstairs. A few minutes later I get a text from my sister saying my parents want to make sure I'm wearing a condom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I stubbed my toe against the corner of my bed, causing me to gasp and moan in pain. My parents overheard, and now I'm getting the full coming of age talk and how I shouldn't lie about what I was doing. I didn't do anything. FML

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By ice_dancer_jake

Today, after spending the day at work avoiding all hard manual tasks that may harm me, I had a table dropped on my foot. I broke my toe, split my nail and had to get a tetanus shot. I was avoiding injury as I was supposed to be performing in a figure skating exhibition this evening. FML

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By CASH_NoMOMEY - United States - Windsor

Today, my main source of income is finding money on the ground. FML

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By a-scared - United States

Today, I went to the Grand Canyon with my family. Also today, I found out that I have a crippling fear of heights. My family left me on a ledge hyperventilating and having a mental breakdown, while they hiked for another 2 hours. They won't stop telling me how pretty it was and what I missed. FML

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By Marcela - United States

Today, I was taking a shower with my new boyfriend for the first time. Last night was the first night we spent together. As I was washing my hair, I looked down at my feet and noticed yellow water. Some of the warm water I felt on my feet was not from the shower head. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out my wife has been taking "love thy neighbour" very literally with the bloke next door. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Reno

Today, at the age of 20, I still have a bed time. It is strictly enforced by my cat via endless meows if I am up past 11 pm. FML

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By Deirbhile - United States

Today, I overheard my dad's friend complaining to my dad that his new baby boy is a ginger. I continued listening, and heard my dad saying, "Yeah, there's nothing worse than having a ginger." I'm his daughter. I'm a ginger. FML

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By haappynewyear - United States

Today, I got into a nasty fight, and ended up leaving with a black eye. The fight was with a champagne bottle cork. I was opening the bottle to celebrate the New Year, at home, alone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lazily answered the door in my pajamas. It was my elderly neighbor asking to borrow a can opener. Despite the strange and unwarranted scowl she was giving me I obliged. It wasn't until after she had left that I notice my penis was completely sticking out through the flap in my pants. FML

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By Anonymous

Headfucked

Today, after two weeks of migraines, my doctor informed me that bowel movements are one my triggers. This means every time I shit, I will have a headache. FML

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By Mr.Hoof-In-Mouth

Today, I was talking to a customer needing IT help. I make small talk about how my birthday is on the same day the Boy Scouts were formed, and I tell the customer I am sure something interesting happened on his birthday. He gets quiet, then gives his birthday. September11th. Cue the long silence. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Port-menier

Today, I found out my mom recently stopped taking her medication. I came home to find she'd shot my dog because she thought he was possessed by the devil. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I missed an important phone call. It's been so long since someone has called me that I didn't recognize my own ringtone. FML

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By GonnaLockUpMySpices - United States - San Francisco

Today, my roommate broke into my spice cabinet so he could get high off of my nutmeg. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I bleached my hair. Not only did it fry, it also has a very noticeable green tint and because of the damage, I can't dye it again for a while. Now I keep getting asked "Why so serious?" by my friends. FML

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By mandythepandy

Noise annoys

Today, same as every other day, I had to pick up around 8 spoons because my cats love to take them and drop them on the floor around my house so they can listen to the noise. FML

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By see you next cunt - United States

Today, about 10 minutes into my first jog in months, someone in a car started following me, yelling stuff like "Oh my god, it's Shamu!" and "Run faster, fatty!" I ended up breaking down in tears before he finally sped off, roaring with laughter. FML

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By mcullen21 - United States

Today, In my science class I sit next to my friend Jill. My teacher always gets our names confused calling me Jill and her Liz. She decided to combine our names. I'm now known as Jizz. My teacher clearly has no idea what it means. FML

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By D: - France - Paris

Today, I woke up to my creepy new roommate licking my cheek. FML

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By missionfailed

Today, I took my dog back to the vet because her face was completely swollen and her stomach was bright red and blotchy. It's obviously the medication she just started, but my vet doesn't believe dogs have allergic reactions. It's the only vet in the area. FML

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By Tess - United States - Burlington

The Haunting of FML House

Today, hidden deep in my husband's closet, I found a shrine dedicated to a woman named Felicity. After further investigation, I saw printouts of my husband's detailed fantasies of phone sex conversations with Felicity. Felicity was his first wife, and has been dead for nine years. FML

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By dumbasdogshit - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, I discovered that when a cyclist tears down the street, slaps you across the face as he passes, looks back laughing and flips you off, then crashes into a lamppost, he'll still blame you and threaten to sue, even after you rush over to check his injuries. FML

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By ouch - United States - Sioux City

Today, I found out that my lover and boyfriend of over 5 years has me listed in his contacts as "Vagina". FML

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By sllaggy

Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's house. I had a shower while he went downstairs. As I went to say goodbye to him, his mother muttered "slut" while pouring him orange juice. FML

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By mraow123 - United States

Today, I was walking my dog but every time he looked like he was about to "go", he became uninterested with the spot and kept walking. I, following behind, tripped over a bump in the sidewalk and face planted. My dog then finally urinated, all over my aching body. FML

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By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Australia - Melbourne

Misleading

Today, I went to dinner with a guy I like and paid the $120 bill. After joking that he was an expensive date, he replied, "I'm laughing at how you think this is a date." FML

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By chelsay05 - Canada - Kamloops

Today, I had to go to work on my day off to suspend someone. Afterwards, I got a call saying I can't suspend the person in question because the supervisor who told me to suspend them was wrong. FML

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By Musicfan - United States

Today, my car was broken into, and they stole all my CDs, but left my daughter's Black Eyed Peas CD behind. I'm pretty pissed about the theft, but almost glad to see that the delinquents in my town have a decent taste in music. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kannapolis

Today, I was in a training about the newest changes in CPR. The trainer was discussing chest compression techniques and said she prefers "good, fast, hard pumping." I was the only one who snickered out loud, drawing several annoyed looks from the other trainees. I'm a 45-year-old doctor. FML

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By Fffhjno - United States - Providence

Today, I saw my two-year-old son trying to floss his teeth. He was using an earthworm. FML

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By Anonymous - Italy - Milan

Today, I finally summed up the courage to break up with my abusively controlling girlfriend. I don't know what I was thinking, but instead of leaving as a free man, I left as an engaged one. FML

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By Derek Wheeler - 6/12/2020 08:00 - United States - Longview

The Walking Dead

Today, we overheard a customer in our store talking on the phone about how she'd been exposed to someone positive for COVID-19, and was supposed to be at home in quarantine just in case. The terrifying thing is how many other people come into our store when they shouldn't. FML

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Top comments

By sweetdreams20 | 0

#1639125 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:06

so ur a male and a little girl told u out?! please don't say u were also on a date...

By unfortunate_13 | 5

#1639127 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:07

OP, she's right.

COMMENTS

By EpicPear | 0

#1639076 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 8:58

people who reply to this comment are stupid! :D

Reply

EpicPear | 0

#1639096 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:00

already?!!

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1639218 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:38

grow a pear

Reply

Shookitup | 0

#1639234 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:44

I see what you did there :)

Reply

InDenial | 6

#1639319 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 11:06

Haha that was punny.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#1639700 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 13:15

Grow a pear. Ha!

Anyway, I love playing around on stuf like doin stupid stuff on rollercoasters or somathing "scary" an yelling in a funny voice and weird accent

"Sumbady healp may!" (somebody help me)

Reply

KingDingALing | 9

#1639830 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 14:31

^ It's really not the same on the internet.

Reply

megamandude455 | 10

#1639879 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 15:03

what'd you say 2?

Reply

Muscle_Car_Fan | 0

#1639911 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 15:27

I agree, 50

Reply

fearfulsymmetry | 1

#1640323 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 17:01

#38, reading your comment made me want to bash my head against my keyboard.

Reply

that1guyyy | 12

#1641341 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:23

good. I hope you die from the head trauma

Reply

myshoe | 0

#1641942 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 1:45

number 19 we should talk

Reply

darkgeo | 2

#1642105 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 2:24

71- overly harsh much?

Reply

sideboobbarney | 3

#3205531 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 15:51

It's called trolling

By elloelen | 0

#1639101 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:02

ydi for over exaggerating

Reply

yucayucatan | 0

#1639139 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:09

agreed! I hate people that just can't control theirselves. its very irritating

Reply

ActionManly | 11

#1639786 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 14:01

I think anyone that refers to a haunted house as an "adventure" is seriously testicularly challenged.

Reply

TookiMyCooki | 0

#1639795 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 14:09

lol so true^

Reply

averageirishman | 0

#1641104 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 20:59

i think that anyone one who says over exagerating doesn't deserve to speak. It's just exagerating. No over.

Reply

Kua_Mei | 0

#1641611 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 0:20

exaggerating *

Reply

allforthetaking | 0

#1642698 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 5:38

am tired of all the grammar Nazis. ur not the only ones who speaks English. relax!! it's not a big deal.

Reply

FTWisRIGHT | 0

#1655849 - Saturday 6 November 2010 3:46

"ur" is not a word.

Reply

Raeser | 7

#5197990 - Thursday 29 November 2012 17:53

I'm*
You're*
Relax*
It's*

Reply

jmx14 | 12

#5882492 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 2:18

But what if the girl wasn't even there?

By sweetdreams20 | 0

#1639114 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:05

your a male and a little girl told you out.... sorry :(

Reply

ibitehard | 9

#1640558 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 17:53

He just got tried like a free sample at Cosco xD
(I don't know how to spell it please don't kill me grammar natzi people)

By jess2gd4u | 0

#1639116 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:05

lol got told by a lil kid. haha

By sweetdreams20 | 0

#1639125 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:06

so ur a male and a little girl told u out?! please don't say u were also on a date...

Reply

lollipopXx | 0

#1642887 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 6:35

that would be to funny if he was! lol

By unfortunate_13 | 5

#1639127 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:07

OP, she's right.

By MissErikaHart | 0

#1639130 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:08

sissy

By dreamering | 16

#1639134 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:08

Take it easy. What are you going to do after your 30th marriage anniversary?

Reply

rene22 | 18

#1639738 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 13:29

lol only If his wife wants a wimp for a man

By misoHappy | 0

#1639136 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:09

pwned!!

By Cygnus_9 | 3

#1639170 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:19

hahahahaha..