Today, I went into a haunted house. Around 30 seconds into the... - FML

By Anonymous - 1/11/2010 23:56 - Canada

Today, I went into a haunted house. Around 30 seconds into the adventure, I couldn't stop screaming at the top of my lungs from all of the scares. Suddenly, the little girl ahead of me, who was all by herself, turned around and told me to "suck it up and grow a pair, loser." FML

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Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

British Broadcasting Corporation

Fairytale ending

By rockstarohyeah - 2/7/2009 06:18 - United States

Today, I was given the best news of my life. I am cancer free and am not, at the ripe age of 23 going to bite the dust. My husband left his journal on the nightstand in our bedroom. He wrote, "I feel like a bad person, but if she dies, I don't have to get divorced." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2009 21:16 - United States

Today, completely excited, I told my mom about this guy from high school, that I had really liked and who had found me on Facebook. He said he regretted not asking me out in high school and offered to fly me out to visit him. Her response? "Has he seen what you look like now?" FML

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By LadyNexus - 7/1/2015 03:54 - United States - Mohrsville

Today, I asked my boyfriend how he felt about me and he said, "You're the hottest seven I've ever met." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2020 03:00

We're up all night to not get some

Today, I must be the only woman on the planet with a boyfriend who turns down sex because he feels like he’s got a headache coming. FML

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By suckstobeme - 24/3/2010 15:00 - United States

Today, I caught my dad spanking my mom with a spatula. The same spatula I use to cook my eggs every morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2012 16:50 - Canada - London

Today, while working at the pet store, I had to feed the snakes. I'd thawed too many mice, so instead of wasting one, I fed it to our turtles. They decided to play tug of war with it, ripping it in half in front of several terrified children. FML

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By LTJFP - 26/10/2009 02:00 - United States

Today, I was at ATandT getting my phone fixed. At one point, the salesman said 'you should see this'. It was a text message from some girl apologizing for sleeping with my boyfriend for the past four months, and telling me that they were moving him out of our apartment. FML

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By ShiddyDiddy - 26/6/2019 04:39

Today, my girlfriend's obsession with her bird reached a new level when she wrote him a song specifically for after he poops. FML

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By horriblefashionsense - 26/9/2013 15:20 - United States - Winter Garden

Today, I went in the diner I always pass by and ordered a sandwich. When I asked how much it was, the waitress replied, "Don't worry, honey. We give free meals to the homeless on Thursdays." I was too ashamed to deny it, so I just said thank you and left. FML

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By jobless - 13/9/2015 14:07 - United States

Today, a guy came into my gas station, showed me the gun on his hip, and asked me to kindly empty the register. My asshole boss claimed that because we live in an open carry state, and because the guy didn't point the gun at me, that there was no actual robbery and I just gave him free money. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2013 16:01 - United States - Walker

Today, I was using a public toilet, when someone in the next stall reached under, grabbed at my low-hanging toilet paper and pulled at it at an insane speed, whispering some kind of weird chant. Then he suddenly stopped, screamed, and ran out. What the hell happened in there? FML

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By cmoney6452 - 1/3/2012 16:17 - United States

Today, I'm so sick that I'm drinking fluids just to make it hurt less when I puke. FML

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By GoodDog - 9/9/2009 13:21 - United States

Today, I yelled at my dog for waking me up growling and barking out the window. He was doing it at the person stealing my car. FML

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By achtung - 1/2/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, I had to use my friend's toilet. His pretty cute sister was in the kitchen adjoining the bathroom, so I smiled and said hi on my way through. I then had the loudest and most vile-sounding shit of my life. FML

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By dexter - 15/1/2009 15:07 - United States

Today, I had lunch with a couple of my friends and a guy I like. Another guy I have a crush on came and ate with us too. After lunch, one of the guys I have a crush on told me the other guy I like is sexy. FML

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By DrumrollPlease - 11/3/2016 01:59 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my father informed me that he plans to play a drum solo instead of making a speech at my wedding. And yes, he IS completely serious. FML

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By ihatemyjob - 12/9/2010 07:23 - Canada

Today, at work, an elderly lady came up to the cash register with a flyer in her hand, and asked if we had a certain item. I told her we did not have any left, and we would be getting more next week and if she wanted, I could give her a rain check. She hit me in the face with her purse. FML

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By life insurance for 1 - 30/5/2013 16:29 - United States - Encino

Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old son covering my nose and mouth with his hand and complaining, "Noooo, you need to die now." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2019 22:01

Jagged Little Pill

Today, my daughter wanted to show me the tooth she had just lost. As I was in a rush to leave for work, I quickly picked up and swallowed my pill that was on the kitchen table. It was only until I looked back down at the table did I see not only my pill, but one extremely angry daughter glaring at me. FML

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By chicagobulls102 - 10/9/2011 18:19 - United States

Today, the really cute guy who asked for my number last night texted me. He wanted to know if he could get my friend's number, because he'd been too shy to ask her directly. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2019 06:00 - United States - San Diego

Happy Halloween?

Today, I saw photos of my roommate a recent party. OK, I'll admit I'm a little dark-skinned, but was it really necessary for him to color his face in black marker so he could go as "me" for a Halloween party? FML

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By Atheist - 22/3/2012 04:56 - United States - Portland

Today, I was waiting for a call from a job I had applied for. When the phone rang, I ran as fast I could up the stairs, falling and slamming my shin on the way. The call? It was a woman asking me, "Hi, do you have time to learn about our lord Jesus Christ?" FML

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By amber - 13/3/2010 09:03 - United States

Today, I bitched out my boyfriend for logging into my facebook account and deleting EVERY male (even family) off my friends list. He accused me of wanting to cheat on him and has forced me to say "sorry." FML

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By Jean - 22/12/2011 08:09 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend told me love is like a drug. I started tearing up because this is the most romantic he has been in a while. He then went on to break up with me, telling me that my "prescription is up". FML

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By Twysted91 - 28/12/2015 03:50 - United States - Milford

Today, I was rushed to the emergency room in crippling pain, thanks to a very dangerous cluster of cysts on my ovaries that could rupture at any time. My boyfriend took this news as my way of denying him sex and broke up with me for "going to obscene lengths" to emasculate him. FML

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By ummPORQUE - 7/5/2009 16:17 - United States

Today, I found out that the guy i've been having sex with for over a month didn't know my name until today. No wonder he always ever called me 'baby.' FML

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By 102496 - 5/2/2010 03:53 - France

Today, I went to the store with my 4 1/2 year old daughter. When we got to the cosmetics aisle, she asked what make-up was for, I told her it was to make women prettier. My daughter then told me it was a good thing I wear make-up because I was ugly and that I might scare off my husband. FML

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By arrogantlondon - 16/4/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my friend. The store was having a special where if you spend over $75 you receive a free T-shirt. I paid for my items and my total was over $75. The salesman didn't hand me a shirt so I asked him for one. He looks at me and says "I'm sorry, we only have Mediums." FML

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By ambermcnulty - 5/1/2010 02:27 - France

Today, it was the first time my boyfriend had seen me naked. He grabs my breasts and then begins to sing "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts." He is 22. FML

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By Muchacha22 - 20/6/2016 17:25 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my work directory was updated to reflect my recent promotion. Due to lack of space, they abbreviated the title. I'm now listed as "Sr Anal". FML

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By TrueScotsman - 29/10/2009 14:31 - United States

Today, I wore my kilt to the university I attend. Getting tired of the stares which I was receiving, I yelled "It's cause its too big to fit in my pants". As soon as the words left my mouth, a gust of wind came and blew my kilt up around my waist, revealing that my previous claim was untrue. FML

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By robzzz - 16/2/2012 07:13 - Canada

Today, I'm forced to eat half a package of saltine crackers in my room for dinner. I can't go downstairs to the kitchen because my two roommates are going at it on our kitchen table. FML

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By biblio - 18/1/2009 02:55 - United States

Today, I told the man I love to "go first" when we started talking at the same time. I wanted to confess my feelings, he wanted to tell me about his engagement. FML

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By sunlightchild_14 - 13/9/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend of 2 years that I was pregnant. His response? "That's neat. But we can still have sex, right?" FML

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By BrandNewKadillak - 30/4/2009 00:14 - United States

Today, I was at my 3 year-old niece's birthday party. I was swinging on their swing set when she walked directly into my path. I tried to jump off the swing, but I could not stop myself in time. I ended up kicking her in the face and giving her a black eye. Happy birthday! FML

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By anonymous - 28/12/2011 18:03 - Canada

Today, while driving home from basketball practice, I noticed an old lady struggling to get up from a fall. I stopped to help her up and make sure she was fine, and in the meantime, a teenager decided to hop into my car and crash it into a telephone pole and run away. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2011 17:02 - United States

Today, my mother dragged me into Victoria's Secret to get my opinion on some lingerie. Lingerie she'll be using to get into my dad's pants this evening. FML

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By Landdownunder - 5/10/2019 06:00 - United States

Comedy gold

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me and decided it'd be funny to blow raspberries in my crotch. He literally thought it was the funniest thing ever. FML

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By milkysubstance - 14/3/2017 05:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to the doctor's to find out why I was producing small amounts of milky liquid from my nipples, even though I'm not pregnant. When she asked me to show her, I squirted on her shirt. FML

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By codizzy - 18/8/2016 22:05

Today, while working at my job at a lumber/hardware store, my coworker told me he was taking an hour break instead of the usual half-hour. Not only did he leave me with a store packed with customers on Customer Appreciation Day, but he never came back until closing time. FML

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Top comments

By sweetdreams20 | 0

#1639125 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:06

so ur a male and a little girl told u out?! please don't say u were also on a date...

By unfortunate_13 | 5

#1639127 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:07

OP, she's right.

Comments

By EpicPear | 0

#1639076 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 8:58

people who reply to this comment are stupid! :D

Reply

EpicPear | 0

#1639096 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:00

already?!!

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1639218 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:38

grow a pear

Reply

Shookitup | 0

#1639234 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:44

I see what you did there :)

Reply

InDenial | 6

#1639319 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 11:06

Haha that was punny.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#1639700 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 13:15

Grow a pear. Ha!

Anyway, I love playing around on stuf like doin stupid stuff on rollercoasters or somathing "scary" an yelling in a funny voice and weird accent

"Sumbady healp may!" (somebody help me)

Reply

KingDingALing | 9

#1639830 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 14:31

^ It's really not the same on the internet.

Reply

megamandude455 | 10

#1639879 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 15:03

what'd you say 2?

Reply

Muscle_Car_Fan | 0

#1639911 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 15:27

I agree, 50

Reply

fearfulsymmetry | 1

#1640323 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 17:01

#38, reading your comment made me want to bash my head against my keyboard.

Reply

that1guyyy | 12

#1641341 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:23

good. I hope you die from the head trauma

Reply

myshoe | 0

#1641942 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 1:45

number 19 we should talk

Reply

darkgeo | 2

#1642105 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 2:24

71- overly harsh much?

Reply

sideboobbarney | 3

#3205531 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 15:51

It's called trolling

By elloelen | 0

#1639101 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:02

ydi for over exaggerating

Reply

yucayucatan | 0

#1639139 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:09

agreed! I hate people that just can't control theirselves. its very irritating

Reply

ActionManly | 11

#1639786 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 14:01

I think anyone that refers to a haunted house as an "adventure" is seriously testicularly challenged.

Reply

TookiMyCooki | 0

#1639795 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 14:09

lol so true^

Reply

averageirishman | 0

#1641104 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 20:59

i think that anyone one who says over exagerating doesn't deserve to speak. It's just exagerating. No over.

Reply

Kua_Mei | 0

#1641611 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 0:20

exaggerating *

Reply

allforthetaking | 0

#1642698 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 5:38

am tired of all the grammar Nazis. ur not the only ones who speaks English. relax!! it's not a big deal.

Reply

FTWisRIGHT | 0

#1655849 - Saturday 6 November 2010 3:46

"ur" is not a word.

Reply

Raeser | 7

#5197990 - Thursday 29 November 2012 17:53

I'm*
You're*
Relax*
It's*

Reply

jmx14 | 12

#5882492 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 2:18

But what if the girl wasn't even there?

By sweetdreams20 | 0

#1639114 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:05

your a male and a little girl told you out.... sorry :(

Reply

ibitehard | 9

#1640558 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 17:53

He just got tried like a free sample at Cosco xD
(I don't know how to spell it please don't kill me grammar natzi people)

By jess2gd4u | 0

#1639116 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:05

lol got told by a lil kid. haha

By sweetdreams20 | 0

#1639125 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:06

so ur a male and a little girl told u out?! please don't say u were also on a date...

Reply

lollipopXx | 0

#1642887 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 6:35

that would be to funny if he was! lol

By unfortunate_13 | 5

#1639127 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:07

OP, she's right.

By MissErikaHart | 0

#1639130 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:08

sissy

By dreamering | 16

#1639134 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:08

Take it easy. What are you going to do after your 30th marriage anniversary?

Reply

rene22 | 18

#1639738 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 13:29

lol only If his wife wants a wimp for a man

By misoHappy | 0

#1639136 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:09

pwned!!

By Cygnus_9 | 3

#1639170 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:19

hahahahaha..