Work: Today, I was talking to my manager about a movie. She asked what... - FML

By workaholic

Today, I was talking to my manager about a movie. She asked what main actors were in it, but the only one I could remember was Forest Whitaker. I told her then immediately blurted out "You know, the one with the freaky lazy eye." My manager has a lazy eye. FML

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Messed up

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Moving on

By musicteacher - United States - Bethania

Today, I've managed to go my whole nine-year teaching career without anyone vomiting in my classroom. That record was broken today when someone vomited four successive times in front of a class of 46 students. It was me. FML

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By MynameisntToby - United States

Today, it was raining downtown. I saw an elderly woman crossing the street so I lend her my umbrella and help her across. When we get to the other side, she says "Thank you Toby," and then refuses to give back "her" umbrella to me, loudly enough for a nearby cop to hear. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was reading comments on an FML, and saw some made from my girlfriend's account. Now I know she's one of those people who say "Dump him!" even when the situation clearly doesn't warrant dumping. Looks like I might be in for a sudden breakup in the future. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, my class went to Berlin. At the subway station, our teacher told us to get on the next train. I was the first one to get on and the only one who didn't hear her saying: 'Wait, that's the wrong one!' I'm lost in a city I've never been before. FML

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By Ima in Hungary - United States - Silsbee

Today, my boyfriend drove to my house to break up with me. He only did so after I'd vacuumed the whole house to compensate for his cat allergies. I thought he was just coming to dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Belmont

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because he didn't trust himself not to cheat on me. What? FML

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By BrokeAndHungry - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I was so ashamed of being broke that instead of asking my parents for money, I snuck into their house while they were at work to steal some of their food. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Exton

Today, marks the fourth day in a row that I've worn the same outfit to prove to my parents that they pay me no attention. They still haven't noticed. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 14:01 - United States - Waterville

Mr Sensitivity

Today, I spent four hours at the ER because I had a miscarriage. The father of the baby was being sweet and supportive while I was there and checked in on me after I got home. Six hours after we found out we lost our baby, he asked for a threesome. He still doesn’t understand what’s wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I asked my school counselor in strict confidence for advice on how to help a friend of mine, who has bulimia. When I got home, I found out that "someone" had called my parents and told them that I'm bulimic. They won't believe the truth. FML

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By jenni6488 - United Kingdom

Today, I called the toaster a "cheeky thing" for being done before the kettle. FML

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By Lunar-Spice

Free the Flow!

Today, I went to take a shower. I noticed a funky smell, but I just assumed it was from whoever had been there last. When I pulled the shower curtain back, I found out that my sister has stopped using feminine hygiene products for her period. It looked like someone had died in the bathtub. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex in the janitor's closet of the pet store where I work. We were really getting into it when we were rudely interrupted by dozens of salamanders crawling up our legs. I had forgotten to lock the cage before we started. FML

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By loser - United States

Today, I got officially uninvited to a party. This is the third one this month. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I told my morbidly obese teacher that he had mustard on his chin. He tried to wipe it off and I said without thinking "No, your other chin." FML

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By Eodowoiono - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, as a joke, my friend put my bus money in the vending machine. Not only did the machine not return my money, it wouldn't give me an item in return. FML

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By foojew93 - United States

Today, I was walking at a section of the zoo where you are in the cage, and the monkeys are climbing outside of the cage. I was having a great time until I looked up and one of the monkeys urinated all over my face. Not only did everyone see, but there was no way for me to shower for six hours. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I asked my friend to hand in my homework for me since I have tonsillitis. She thought it would be funny to draw a big heart on it with my teacher's name inside, which she then handed in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, while working at Subway, I was called a "terrorist" and other names by a customer 'behind my back'. I made him the best sandwich I'd ever made, in order to leave a good impression. Then I had to say the wonderful words, "Your total is $9.11." FML

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By anon

Today, I wore a Stanford college T-shirt to school. My Spanish teacher took one look at it and said "You wish". FML

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By OhBoy - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I realized why my water bill has gone down so much. My 16 year old daughter now only feels it necessary to shower whenever her boyfriend is going to come over. FML

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By steph - United States - Helotes

Today, I was trying to go for number 2 while drying my hair so that my boy friend won't hear me do it. The lock on the door was broken, and he saw how good I am at multitasking. FML

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By arace15336 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is only staying with me for the present I promised him for his birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

I'm sitting right here

Today, I got my nails done at a salon where everyone working there was Vietnamese. During my manicure, the manicurists talked about how ugly I was in their native tongue. They couldn't have known that I'd lived in Vietnam and I'm fluent in Vietnamese, but too chickenshit to speak up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after a long day of cleaning, I decided to make a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch. Reaching for what I thought was Pam I coated my bread with spray and put my sandwich in the pan. Pledge makes a great looking sandwich, but the lemony flavor tastes like crap. FML

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By Not Worth a Lunch - United States - Durham

Today, my boss told me they were letting me go because they "could no longer afford to pay me." Never mind the catered lunch they had the day before, which cost more than a week's worth of my salary. FML

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By duckthehack - Poland

Today, my 14 year old son got suspended and I had to pay for the damage after he sprayed "FUCK THE POLICE" on the back wall of his school. I'm a policeman. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was fixing my makeup in the back room of the office when my boss walked in. He looked kind of annoyed so I jokingly said "Don't you want your secretary to look good?" He said, "If I did I wouldn't have hired you." FML

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By little tooth - France

Today, my wisdom teeth decided to come in. I didn't know that being wise could hurt so much. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I woke up to an angry text from my roommate asking me to please let her know next time I'm going to have a friend crashing on the couch. I have no idea who she's talking about. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was coaching a little league soccer game. I was telling one of my players to go cover another kid. I said "go cover the little yellow kid!" because he happened to be wearing a yellow shirt. He also happened to be Asian. I then got death stares from his family members. FML

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By Earthling - Colombia - Bogot?

Today, our art teacher told us we will have to build a giant Coca-Cola bottle made of smaller ones as our art project for next week, meant to represent the damage consumerism does to our environment. I think he doesn’t understand we will have to buy tons of Coke to get the bottles needed. FML

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By NewlyChildaphobic - Ireland

Today, I was minding a 6-year old boy. He begged me to take him somewhere. I rang his Mum, and she said I could. He picked to go to McDonald's. He ordered chicken. After his meal, he told me he was vegetarian, and wanted to try some meat while his Mum wasn't around. I got the blame. FML

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By jcesom - United States

Today, my father taught my son to pee on trees outside. We went to the mall later and my son decided to practice what he'd learned on a potted plant. FML

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By larry_richard - United States

April Fool

Today, I was told an assignment that was supposed to be due in a week and a half is due today. I crammed all night and ended up getting 3 hours of sleep. Turns out it was an April Fool's prank. FML

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By Steve-noh

All in a day's work.

Today, at my job as a waiter I sharted myself while taking an order. They tipped me $20 and wrote "for new underwear" on the receipt. FML

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By Blondegirl - United States

Today, I dyed my hair blonde for my boyfriend, hoping it would help spice up our sex life. His response? It's still a few shades off from his favorite porn star. FML

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By demispark - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I was leaving work when I realized I had forgotten my bag on my desk. As I went back to get it, I overheard my co-workers talking about "last night's office party." I wasn't invited. FML

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By jadalaheart - United States - Citrus Heights

Distant love

Today, for the first time in more than two years, a guy asked me out. Too bad he lives halfway around the world. FML

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By Jaxter - United States

Today, I was walking up to girlfriends house when her terrifying Marine Corps dad threw a football at me. Not being very athletic i surprised myself by catching it. He gestured for me throw it back and i watched it spiral wildy to the left and hit my girlfriends mom in the face. FML

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Top comments

By marinus_fml | 19

#1713526 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 11:58

His eye isn't really lazy. He's just secretly checking you out with one eye.

By PSQ91 | 6

#1713534 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 12:02

You're gonna be fired OP

COMMENTS

By marinus_fml | 19

#1713526 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 11:58

His eye isn't really lazy. He's just secretly checking you out with one eye.

Reply

mrl2468 | 0

#1713675 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 13:05

prob

Reply

bunnydoll84 | 0

#1713753 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 13:43

Another "Aussie"...heya! :-)

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1713789 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 13:56

I heard that people with lazy eyes have the power of incredible hindsight.

Reply

W4X | 0

#1713812 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 14:09

I thought you were dead!

Reply

morgann4826 | 0

#1713927 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 15:03

I bet

Reply

marinus_fml | 19

#1713940 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 15:06

lol, hey bunny!

Reply

maphineRAWRS | 10

#1714013 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 15:29

I see you have your old account back marinus? :P

Reply

marinus_fml | 19

#1714020 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 15:36

Josie! I just read your profile thing, and I think you missed a word at the very end. I think the word you missed is 'good'.

Reply

maphineRAWRS | 10

#1714035 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 15:39

thats yet to be proven sunshine ;)

Reply

marinus_fml | 19

#1714052 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 15:53

Josie I FB'd you.

Reply

maphineRAWRS | 10

#1714061 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:01

oh you did too :)
WHOOPS :D

Reply

PrincessCastiel | 27

#5875312 - Tuesday 4 March 2014 15:18

Down votes, down votes everywhere

Reply

claudia19801811 | 14

#6028239 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 10:34

Nope. I have a lazy eye.

By Lolerskatez | 0

#1713528 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 11:59

Haha failed xD

Reply

Bad_Boy1321 | 0

#1713987 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 15:18

yes he did XD

By omnomnicon | 9

#1713531 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 12:01

idiot! :')

By PSQ91 | 6

#1713534 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 12:02

You're gonna be fired OP

By chloec16 | 0

#1713548 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 12:08

think before you speak!

Reply

sourgirl101 | 28

#1713745 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 13:40

Or suffer for your words.

By fullmetalshrimp | 0

#1713552 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 12:08

watch what you say next time.

By CACC_fml | 0

#1713558 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 12:09

aww

By iheartglasses | 0

#1713581 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 12:12

That was definitely a time to be completely embarrassed, BUT, if you played it off as it was no big deal then maybe your boss would just let it slide as a mistake. After all, no one likes attention brought on to their...misfortunes?

By sniperkitten | 0

#1713586 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 12:13

Say you never noticed your manager had one because you're un-observant.

Reply

claudia19801811 | 14

#6028242 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 10:36

People can have lazy eyes that look exactly the same as the other one mine is! :)

By tencentsakiss | 19

#1713594 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 12:16

Manger? Good thing it wasn't your manager.

Reply

eytanrodin | 0

#1714490 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 17:38

Where do you see manger?

Reply

tencentsakiss | 19

#1714752 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 19:02

They fixed it. The first one said manger when they first posted it.