Today, my friend and I were in a hallway talking while a man...

By wsumt - 29/1/2009 01:04 - United States

Today, my friend and I were in a hallway talking while a man kept walking by and turning around. I then asked him "WHAT are you LOOKING for!". It was a blind man. FML

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Miscellaneous

Billy no-mates

Never flip flop and drive

Breaking Badly

By terrible person - 4/4/2011 09:29

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to break down and cry because his mother hates me for unknown reasons. I walked in, gave him a long hug, and started sobbing. I then saw his mother. She was visiting him to complain about how terrible a person I am. FML

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By banana12321 - 2/4/2015 04:40 - United States - Fresno

Today, I thought I had gotten away with throwing a party while my folks were gone the night before. They came home and I was as sweet as possible. I could tell they were not buying it, but I thought I was in the clear. Later, they told me I had drunk-dialled them and spilled the beans. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2011 15:11 - United States

Today, I had a bunch of friends over for a party. My mom came stumbling into my room, crying about how she was officially menopausal, and that I was going to "die an only child." FML

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By mommytobe - 5/8/2011 03:56 - United States

Today, mom was so upset when she found out that she is having another granddaughter that she wants us to pay her back for the little boy clothes that she bought before the sex of the baby was known. FML

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By fucksake - 5/10/2014 15:55 - Malaysia - Seri Kembangan

Today, at age 31, I was about to finally lose my virginity. As we tumbled onto the bed, an excruciating pain shot through my stomach. It turned out to be a hernia, and no, I didn't get laid in the end. FML

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By holdengurl18 - 21/6/2011 04:46 - China

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is extremely jealous of a stuffed toy that sits on my bed, all because it gets to 'sleep in the same bed as me and he doesn't.' Now, whenever he comes over, he throws it at the wall, death glares at it, then gets up and kicks it under my bed. FML

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By Username - 14/7/2019 20:00

Today, I learned that my 29-year-old boyfriend won't stay the night at my house because he lives at home with his parents and doesn't want to have "the discussion" with his mom about me. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2014 23:05 - United States - Evanston

Today, I laughed at my grandma's chihuahua poodle mix, as it barked at me entering the house. "What are you going to do, nibble me to death?" is apparently enough to make it jump and bite me. I needed five stitches. FML

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By Thoughtless Wife - 18/6/2017 14:00

Today, my sister-in-law announced on Facebook that I did nothing for my husband's birthday. I'd just had major surgery, and I'm not allowed to drive or do much. We had a small party - just us and the kids - but didn't invite anyone over. I guess not inviting her meant we did nothing. FML

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By Cooky - 14/3/2010 09:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I learnt that the people I work with dislike me so much that they have a competition to see who can accidentally hurt me the most. How did I find out? A chef poured boiling water over my hands, and another shouted "50 POINTS!" FML

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By - 4/1/2009 21:43 - France

Today, on her Facebook profile, my ex erased all the pictures where we were together, add her new boyfriend to her friends and changed her status to "I'm so happy". FML

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By Maggie - 10/12/2011 16:45 - Canada

Today, I got my first driving lesson from my dad. We traded seats, I started the car and his entire lesson was, "Go." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2012 19:34 - United States - Pocatello

Today, I approached a cute girl at a club, when she started barking at me like a rabid dog. Thinking she might be mentally unhinged, I left, only to see the same girl laughing her ass off with her friends minutes later. When I went back over, her friends started barking at me too. FML

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By mammamia - 27/4/2009 12:54 - United States

Today, in a big argument, my sister uninvited my mom to her wedding. Trying to comfort my mom, I rented Mamma Mia knowing she's wanted to see it for a while. Turns out, Mamma Mia is a mother/daughter feel-good about the daughters wedding. I had no idea, and my mom cried the whole movie. FML

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By ven980 - 1/6/2011 21:21 - United States

Today, I had to blow up an air mattress using only my lungs. After nearly passing out from lack of oxygen, I realized there was a hole in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2011 13:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a music festival, watching one of my favorite bands. The security guys were throwing water into the crowd to cool us down. I saw some about to be thrown by another fan, so I stood with my mouth open to catch some of it. I ended up with a face full of hot piss. FML

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By SeaBind - 16/11/2014 00:41 - United States - Saginaw

Today, a friend wanted to show me a game he bragged he was the best at. I beat his score on the first try, and now I have a black eye to prove it. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 08:00 - Australia

Today, after much thought and serious consideration, I nervously admitted to my boyfriend that I'm bisexual. The first thing that he said in response was: "Want a threesome?" FML

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By andjusticeforall - 15/2/2009 13:28 - United States

Today, I ran over a beer bottle which popped my car tire, which then caused me to swerve into a police cruiser. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 14:00

Mah freedoms!

Today, my roommate told me she's coming back from her family's large house in Reno to Hawaii, because she "wants to work." We have a 14-day visitor's quarantine. And my workplace extended this to travellers' roommates. FML

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By TiredParent - 9/10/2018 12:00

Today, I had to take my eyes off my kid for a minute to respond to an important work email. I was about to click send when I heard a flushing sound and mad giggling. It was the TV remote. FML

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By jibberish - 22/11/2009 00:15 - United States

Today, I woke up after drunkenly hooking up with a girl who was really into Twilight. I felt bruises on the lower end of my neck and so I went to the mirror and checked it out. She bit me, 5 times. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2015 14:01 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I bought my first vibrator. I was really excited, until my crippling OCD kicked in, forcing me to turn it on and off seven times in rapid succession, causing it to give off a cracking sound and stop working. Now I'm sad. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2018 03:00

Today, my girlfriend sent me a video of herself masturbating so I could watch it on my business trip. As I was watching it, I realised someone was filming her, because the camera was moving and definitely not on a tripod. I know I never recorded a video of her. FML

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By Deployed - 7/12/2019 14:00 - United States - San Diego

Great surprise

Today, I came home from an eight month deployment to find my wife four months into her pregnancy. She actually thinks that I believe it's mine. FML

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By creepingjennie - 5/6/2020 02:00

Droopy

Today, I learned that working while taking muscle relaxers is not as fun as it sounds. FML

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By ???? - 25/1/2012 06:32 - United States

Today, I fell and sprained my ankle while trying to step into my underwear. FML

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By TooSunnyForSkin - 5/6/2013 04:22 - United States - Huntington

Today, I found out my work gave me a vacation for my performance. It's a trip to somewhere in the Caribbean, with the nickname "The Sunniest Place on Earth." I have skin cancer. FML

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By SleeplessInSoCal - 9/8/2010 06:18 - United States

Today, I couldn't fall asleep till 3am and was woken approximately every hour or so. Why? I found out my new upstairs neighbors have a very active love life. She's a screamer. FML

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By not a boy toy - 31/3/2017 22:00

Today, I attended the will reading of the old lady who accidentally ran me over with her car years ago. I was affectionately mentioned and was left with something rather substantial. I had to listen through all that while getting evil leers and silently judged by family members who got squat. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2011 05:30 - United States

Today, I talked to my dad about joining the military. He got up, laughed, and said, "As if the army would accept a pussy like you." FML

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By - 31/12/2009 23:41 - France

Today, my girlfriend left a message on my phone. It was just the sounds of her having sex with somebody. FML

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By Adam - 16/1/2017 08:00

Today, my wife decided to end our dry spell of four months and started dry humping and kissing me in bed. Things were going well until she orgasmed from the activity and declared that she was too tired to do any more, rolled over, and fell asleep. Five months or bust. FML

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By legallyblondemad - 29/8/2009 19:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at the park with my new boyfriend. We were sitting between some trees, when some of his mates turned up at the park. He pushed me behind a tree so his mates wouldn't see and went to join them in a game of football. He pretended not to know me. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2015 05:28 - United States - Lewes

Today, the only way I could get my boyfriend to come over for a serious discussion was to heavily imply I wanted to talk about having a threesome. In actual fact, I just wanted to break up with him face-to-face, because he barely acknowledges my existence unless he's horny. FML

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By hurley - 27/2/2011 10:10 - Australia

Today, I had my friends help me put on a suit of full plate armor for a medieval re-enactment. After the battle, my friends left. I can't get the armor off by myself and will probably have to sleep in it. FML

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By Anonyme - 9/7/2011 00:11 - France

Today, I peeked through my window and trained a pair of binoculars on my neighbour's house. Every night without fail, he ends up standing in front of his window topless to flex his muscles. This time, I was surprised to instead find a note taped to the window saying, "Sorry, I'm out tonight." FML

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By rarara - 30/10/2012 21:26 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, one of my dad's work friends came over. As he was leaving, he complimented my dad on having three "strapping young boys." I informed him that I'm a girl, and I have a hormone imbalance that causes me to have a lot of hair and a deep voice. I guess my dress didn't give him a clue. FML

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By Ape - 17/12/2012 23:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend grabbed my boob, shook it savagely, and shouted "Earthquake!" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2009 08:14 - United States

Today, my mom walks into my room, with a serious look on her face asks me "When a man is getting it from behind, the man on top orgasms, but what happens to the man on bottom? Do you think he takes care of himself or what?" Hand motions were included. FML

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Top comments

By Xephyr | 1

#860119 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 2:04

"Excuse me sir, can I help you?"

By sassyangel24 | 0

#1189189 - Wednesday 4 August 2010 19:52

dude, you're an ass. youu and your friend should have moved if you felt uncomfortable, not humiliated another human being and made a fool of yourself. YDI.

COMMENTS

By blubberchucks | 0

#189 - Thursday 5 February 2009 1:11

Wow, that's almost as cuntish as my personality.

By frayedwire | 0

#79319 - Friday 3 April 2009 13:09

Those are very odd words you stressed.
Did you actually say it like that? I think he'd find it confusing.

Although I suppose in a yiddish style accent it might work.

lublubfuddamucka | 1

#6276232 - Tuesday 28 April 2015 19:56

It's a frustrated tone.

By gpstyne | 0

#135155 - Thursday 23 April 2009 3:47

good going prick

By BvR | 0

#193982 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 4:56

jerk. why would you yell at a stranger?

By alexpwnsu | 0

#264013 - Thursday 4 June 2009 4:47

I'd laugh if he tried to chase u and use the stick at the same time

By amatayo | 0

#296596 - Friday 12 June 2009 8:17

Okay he is blind- correct
You are not- correct

So if you the person that can see ask what are you looking for? This just means you can find it because you can.....(wait for it) can freaking see

Waste o time

By kaytie1701 | 0

#305506 - Monday 15 June 2009 1:29

Hahahahahaha hilarious mo matter what these idiots say

By silly_kate | 0

#365969 - Saturday 4 July 2009 4:04

how is it racist? the guy was blind!!!!
you should post an FML cos you fail at reading!!!! get your mum to read this for you!!

OP: learn to control your anger, fuck!

By btchh | 0

#488904 - Saturday 15 August 2009 17:16

well you didn't know he was blind, you were trying to help.

By MikeLitoris_fml | 0

#595369 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 7:30

ha. failure, i am sure he took that well