Today, my cat died while walking around the kitchen. He had a... - FML

By Anonymous - France

Today, my cat died while walking around the kitchen. He had a heart attack when the toaster popped out two slices of bread. FML

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Serious times

Messed up

Give me my drugs!

By duderboi99 - United States

Today, I was writing a huge paper for a class as our last grade. My dog starts scratching himself. He hit the power button on the computer. Nothing was saved. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was changing my clothes with my dog in the room. As I took off my shirt, he looked at me, ran into the corner, and threw up. Well that's a confidence booster. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, my mum excitedly discussed with me the prospect of starting a mother-son YouTube duo. Thinking she was joking, I went along with it. She is now installing a 24-hour webcam in the house to record our conversations, which she perceives as hilarious, and is going to upload them. FML

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By violated ._. - United States

Today, I did something I'd always wanted to do: I went swimming with dolphins. It was really fun, until I went to kiss the dolphin, and she slipped her tongue half into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking to school. When I was about halfway there, someone put a gun to the back of my head and told me to give him all my money. As I slowly turned around, I saw it was my dad putting a banana to my head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ocoee

Today, I was talking to people around school to make new friends. I met an amazing guy and we really hit it off. He was fantastic in every way, but decided to end our conversation with, "We shall meet in the afterlife!" I don't know if I should be scared or not. FML

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By baby, baby no - United States - Ladys Island

Today, I stepped outside the house with my wife. She looked up at the sky and asked me in all seriousness if stars are man-made. FML

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By heymacie - United States - Lubbock

Today, I was at a family gathering with my boyfriend. Jokingly, my grandmother swatted my butt to get me to move. Out of habit, I moaned quite loudly. FML

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By dammit_ - Canada

Today, I walked by my roommate and his girlfriend while they were hugging. I asked "what's up lovebirds?". Turns out they were in the middle of a breakup. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm so broke that when I got out of the shower, I had to slowly dry myself off with a ShamWow sample I received in the mail. FML

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By Brittany - United States

Today, after calling my boyfriend and telling him that my dog had just died, he hesitated and stuttered "She was old, sick, and suffering. Babe, it was her time to go." He then informed me he had to go to his friend's house and hung up. My dog was 2, in great health, and was hit by a car. FML

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By OhDeary - United States

Today, our power went out due to some severe storms. My daughter, who is 18, asked me why the lights on the car still worked. FML

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By KenzoBVB - Canada

Today, I went to the orthodontist, and found out when I was supposed to get my braces off. His exact words, "You'll get them off around Christmas... but we're not sure what year." FML

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By brycepetrillo - United States - New Port Richey

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through my birthday card. FML

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By oxymorons - United States

Today, I checked the camera I set up to find out who has been stealing my prescription painkillers: my wife, my daughter or my son. Turns out they all are. FML

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By goodbyefriend - United States - Worcester

Today, after a few weeks of smuggling a baby caterpillar into work every day just to make sure it ate and stayed alive long enough to turn into a butterfly, it finally did. Before it could fly free, a bird turned it into a snack. FML

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By welp - United States - Grass Lake

Today, I worked a short shift at work, getting sent home early because it was slow. In the time I was gone, my family decided surprise me by rearranging my room and put in my new desk. They also surprised me when I learned that they'd spilled a slushie on my very expensive computer. FML

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By BaliTheDog - France

Today, I was walking my dog when he stopped in the middle of the street and took a dump. I looked around furtively but saw nobody, so I just kept walking. I stepped in it on the way back home. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were both at home, sick. We decided to make the best of it and spent the day in bed together. Things got a little steamy, and we started making out. As I started kissing her neck, I got nauseous. Before I could pull away, I threw up all over her. FML

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By skigal24 - United States

Today, my only motivation to get out of bed was cupcakes in the refrigerator. FML

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By T_Willl

Today, a customer was rude to me, and I was rude back. He then asked for my manager, and I told him I was the store manager. He then identified himself as the corporate owner. FML

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By Dooh - United Kingdom

Today, I've found out that since beginning my new heavy workout regime, my testosterone levels have gone through the roof, making me constantly horny. My girlfriend lives on another continent. The reason I'm working out so hard? To impress her when I see her next. FML

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By ej6901 - United States - Ventnor City

Today, I left my dog in my car for 5 minutes while I ran into a store. The car was running so he was fine, the thing that wasn't so fine is that when I walked out my car wasn't there. My dog somehow moved my car into the middle of a intersection, almost causing an accident. FML

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By CrappyValentine - Netherlands

Today, I tried convincing my Valentine-hating boyfriend to send me a card, by explaining how important it is to me. He finally agreed and sent me a card. I opened it up, and it wished me 'harmony and well-being on Lupercalia'. What is Lupercalia? It's an ancient Roman festival where men run down the street naked, whipping people with goat skins to encourage fertility. FML

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By forreal

Today, my boyfriend called me in tears because the love of his life has decided to move on with another man. He is currently on his way over to cry on my shoulder about it. FML

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By Hot Pants - United Kingdom

Today, I went into hospital and was being treated by a really cute doctor. Not knowing that I was going to end up here, I put on novelty underwear this morning. Well, at least he found the little green glow-in-the-dark skulls amusing. FML

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By Talented73 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I went to a local Asian restaurant where this adorable Japanese girl works as a server. We had formed a friendship and I was hoping for something more, but I decided to play "hard-to-get" for the last couple of weeks. When I went there today, the place was closed. Permanently. FML

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By Daddy. - Australia

Today, I found out the hard way that my girlfriend lied about being on the pill four months ago. FML

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By DwarvenWalrus

Today, I was at the water park in Disney World when I felt something run down my leg. I thought that I just hadn't dried off all the way, but when I looked down, there was diarrhea running out of my shorts. FML

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By rissalynn

Today, my boyfriend's mother called me lazy. Her days consist of sitting on her couch watching Fox News. I'm a college athlete who also has a part-time job, yet I'm the lazy one. FML

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By disturbedgd - South Africa - Durban

Today, I had my first steamy wet dream. It contained the Power Rangers. FML

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By Luke - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered how my ex-girlfriend exacted her revenge. Every item of clothing I own now has sequins. FML

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By rained - Hong Kong

Today, I drove an hour in a rainstorm to go see my boyfriend. Thirty minutes and a blow job later, he tells me he's going to meet some friends for dinner in half an hour then kicks me out of his house. It's still raining. FML

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By sirswank

Today, after giving my kids a lengthy bedtime lecture about the merits of being responsible, I thought about all the chores I had left to do, promptly ate ice cream in the shower, and went to bed. FML

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By Savanerzz

Perfect timing!

Today my fiancé broke up with me. Two hours later, the store I bought my dress from called to say it’s ready to be picked up. FML

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By aeghw1s - United States

Today, I started my new job at a restaurant. I am going to be the mascot that stands by the road to wave down customers in a heavy polyester animal suit. The high today is 102. I work 12-4. FML

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By brizzle - United States

Today, my parents came home after being out of town for the weekend. I stayed home, did homework and completely cleaned the house, thinking I could earn some brownie points with them. They saw how clean the house was and accused me of covering up a party. FML

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By nola2005

Hoarded in

Today, as my gaze went from the cobwebs hanging from my ceiling to the opened and unopened Amazon boxes in the corners of my house, I realized I'm on my way to being a hoarder. I'm too tired and depressed to do anything about it. FML

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By Embarassed - United States - Kent

Today, my girlfriend dared me to put on her bra and panties and give her a lap dance. Feeling spontaneous, I decided to do it. Just as I was getting really into it, she told me I was on webcam for all her friends. Apparently it was a contest of who had their boyfriend the most whipped. She won. FML

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By Can't Unsee

Today, my mother found my sex toys. To make me "feel better" she showed me hers. FML

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Top comments

By CitrusGirl | 0

#2020964 - Saturday 29 January 2011 16:06

That cat's a pussy.

By aryan_chris | 0

#2020996 - Saturday 29 January 2011 16:10

Toasters a new weapon for murder now. What is the world coming to...

COMMENTS

By ringothedrummer | 4

#2020961 - Saturday 29 January 2011 16:05

wow that sucks

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#2021990 - Saturday 29 January 2011 17:47

Along with the two slices of bread, the toaster popped your pussy, too.

Reply

Eorlas | 31

#2023501 - Sunday 30 January 2011 1:24

lol!!!

Reply

14MEDIC14 | 0

#2023962 - Sunday 30 January 2011 5:31

Shitty toaster if just gives you your bread back. I mean MY toaster pops out toast. Maybe its different where you live, I don't know. But then why even put in the "toaster" anyways? As for your cat, don't worry about him being a scaredy cat. Maybe he was actually obese and was really excited from the bread-that-came-from-the-"toaster" because he was starving. Again, I don't know. Maybe he was starving. If it was either of those two OP, then ydi but if he really was just a pussy then I agree, your life sucks.

Reply

Bosia | 0

#2024115 - Sunday 30 January 2011 6:39

OP's cat and I share a lot in common.

Reply

BisFitty | 7

#2024361 - Sunday 30 January 2011 8:49

196 SO EPIC WIN

OP, was your cat only expecting one piece, hence the heart attack when 2 appeared?

Reply

dre_bro11 | 12

#2024950 - Sunday 30 January 2011 13:58

Gees OP, I'm glad it was two pieces and not just one. It would have not been worth it if it was only one piece. Especially, like 194 mentioned, the fact that it came out as bread.

Reply

Olovio | 5

#2471583 - Saturday 7 May 2011 7:02

Well he was probably surprised that BREAD came out of the toaster instead of toast and reacted all HOLY FUCKING SHIT WTF!?!?!?!? *urp*

Reply

P374RD3D | 9

#3574824 - Saturday 12 November 2011 5:59

I am a bad person for laughing

By CitrusGirl | 0

#2020964 - Saturday 29 January 2011 16:06

That cat's a pussy.

Reply

eehizle | 0

#2023410 - Sunday 30 January 2011 0:39

heh.

Reply

MaskedAspen | 6

#2023798 - Sunday 30 January 2011 3:54

I see what you did there.
well played.

Reply

DarkHelmet | 10

#2026033 - Sunday 30 January 2011 18:00

LMAO nice

Reply

facilitator | 0

#2282751 - Saturday 2 April 2011 21:16

dammit you beat me to it

Reply

magicrock | 8

#3553829 - Monday 7 November 2011 13:07

wow how original. -_-

Reply

scarletchamber | 0

#4245048 - Sunday 1 April 2012 9:14

no shit #2

By Shotta | 3

#2020970 - Saturday 29 January 2011 16:06

Damn

Reply

Byahhh | 3

#4576838 - Sunday 17 June 2012 4:14

Are you going to have a burial for the cat? I'll come make a... Toast.

Reply

PoseidonsSon | 3

#4723679 - Monday 23 July 2012 14:58

Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh

By Snickahs | 0

#2020978 - Saturday 29 January 2011 16:08

Pop went the toaster...

By lemonlift | 6

#2020982 - Saturday 29 January 2011 16:08

awwwww that's so sad I'm sorry

By DejaRasch | 0

#2020986 - Saturday 29 January 2011 16:08

awwww ): that's sad! I'm sorry!

By fearthereaper79 | 0

#2020990 - Saturday 29 January 2011 16:09

He had it coming

By stephanie911_fml | 0

#2020993 - Saturday 29 January 2011 16:09

Yeah toast!
yeah toast!
YEAH TOAST!

By aryan_chris | 0

#2020996 - Saturday 29 January 2011 16:10

Toasters a new weapon for murder now. What is the world coming to...

By stephanie911_fml | 0

#2021003 - Saturday 29 January 2011 16:11

Yeah toast!
Yeah toast!
YEAH TOAST!