By Anonymous

Ball Is Life

Today, my wife tried to be sexy by climbing on top of me wearing nothing but a thong. Unfortunately, her knee came down in just the wrong spot and I passed out instantly from the pain of my testicle rupturing. I'm in hospital now recovering from the removal surgery. FML

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The smell detective is on the case

Noise

Sister of the year

By Username - United States

Today, I walked in on my father and brother attempting to harmonize their farts. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2020 09:00

Liar !

Today, I lied and told my friends I was a compulsive liar. Well, I think I lied. FML

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By Ulysse - United Kingdom

Today, I have my new iPod Touch, and I'm walking down the street. Since it's really cold, I'm wearing gloves. At some point, I want to change the song, and don't want to remove my gloves. I try changing the song with my nose, for about 3 minutes, until I realize I look really stupid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a birthday present from my boyfriend's mom. It was ProActiv acne solution. He tried to make me feel better by explaining it's because she wants to be able to include me in family pictures. FML

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By nil mil

Crazy ex's girlfriend

Today, I sent my ex's mom several pics of the kids from our recent outing. Being the kids' grandmother, she loved them. Later, I got a barrage of angry, insulting and threatening texts from my ex's new girlfriend, saying that since he and I are no longer together, I should have no contact with his family. FML

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By klanciee - United States - Valencia

Today, when I woke up, I noticed something crawling on my bed. A white faced wasp was dragging the corpse of a rather large spider. I'm not sure what I was more disturbed about; the fact that the wasp was dragging something twice its size, or that these bugs even live in my house. FML

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By cloudish - Germany

Today, I finally had the guts to tell my best friend that I like him more than just as a friend. I was about to tell him when he excitedly told me that he met the love of his life yesterday. FML

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By kacie smith - United States - Youngsville

Today, my husband and I bought a new swing for our front porch. We put it together and sat down to enjoy our accomplishment. 5 minutes into our swing I threw up several times. I have really bad motion sickness, and apparently a swing is no exception. FML

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By Talkingbeforethinking

Today in class I accidentally called my teacher very old and almost dead. As we were discussing a book I said that the book character is very old and close to death since it fitted to the context. Turns out this character is one year younger than my teacher and she wasn't amused. FML

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By IamTheSalt

Today, I got my grades back. They were all 98's and 99's with also a 104 (extra-credit). I got refused from entering an honors club, because it's "impossible to get above a hundred in a math class". I even got investigated for cheating. FML

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By Ryan - United States

Today, after a long discussion, my dad still doesn't understand how evolution works, and thinks it's a myth that was debunked a long time ago. FML

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By princessrose

Today, I asked the guy I share a desk with at work out because he has texted me a few times and seemed pretty into me. He said he doesn't date coworkers, even though the last 5 people he's dated have been coworkers. FML

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By Crazy Mom - United States

Today, my mom walked into the bathroom while I was taking a pic to send to my long-distance boyfriend. She then told me I would go to hell for flaunting myself at guys. I was fully clothed, sending a pic to see if he liked my new haircut. That and I'm 21. FML

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By pirate prude - Canada

Today, when getting off the bus, the driver said he thought I was going to exit from the front. Without thinking, I responded, "Oh no, I'm more of a backdoor kinda girl!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the phone number I switched to, used to host an amateur phone sex hotline. I found this out after getting several calls by teenagers, who sounded as if they were masturbating even as I yelled that they had the wrong number. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Raleigh

Today, I found out my roommate spits the mouthwash back into the bottle after he gargles. FML

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By Anonymous - Iceland

Today, my mom made me go shopping with her. It was freezing out, but she didn't wear a coat, boasting that she doesn't feel the chill like I do. By the time we drove home she was whining about freezing to death, and now I'm stuck in a house whose heating is set to "inferno". FML

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By Sundendako - Australia

Today, my mum got drunk at a party and flashed me and my friends. FML

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By PizzaPants - United States - Denver

Today, I dropped a pizza I made. Don't worry though, I caught it between my hands and legs. I no longer have fingerprints on my right hand. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Worcester

Today, we had a safety meeting at my warehouse job. They had an entire power point based around their message, "Stop getting hurt; it costs the company too much money." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my roommate whacking off to clown porn. FML

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By MaeMoss - United States

Today, I used a man's shirt as a pillowcase and sprayed it with cologne so I wouldn't feel alone in the night. FML

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By breyn - United States

Today, while working at my salon, I was cutting an older gentleman's hair. When he got up to leave, everyone noticed he had clearly pissed his pants. I felt bad for him until he laughed and said, "Here's your tip, have fun cleaning that up." FML

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By LittleRed - United States

Today, I got more turned on by the idea of sex with my boyfriend than actually doing it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started my first day of work. I was told to absorb everything going on and to get used to the high-paced flow of things. I've been sitting at my desk for two hours now, and the office has been empty since I've walked in. FML

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By ray - United States

Today, I learned how hard it is to remove peanut butter from your own eye. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom gave me my Christmas gift. It was a letter containing $200 and a note saying, "Here's the down payment for your apartment, please just move out already." I turned 18 last week. Thanks mom. FML

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By gingerwhinger - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, an older lady approached me at work and stroked my hair, telling me it was 'beautiful'. This isn't unusual, I'm a natural redhead and octogenarians especially seem to love the colour. However, the unusual part was the glob of snot she left in my hair from her unwashed hands. FML

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By Immafail

Today, my mother decided to "help me" by throwing out the stack of papers on my desk. Unfortunately, those were all my notes for my final exams. FML

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By Cassidy Bowen - United States - San Francisco

Today, I decided to not wear makeup for the first time. My boyfriend asked me if I got punched in the face. FML

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By seriously - United States

Today, my mom accused my cat of being a "manipulator", and said that we should get rid of him. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend left me after I'd been supporting him for 9 months while he "finds himself." Why? Because I wanted to go grocery shopping instead of him eating out every day with my money. FML

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By NotSatan

Today, my husband refuses to stop answering my phone calls with, "Haaaaail Satan!" FML

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By FroggyGirl888 - United States

Today, my roommates thought I wasn't home and started talking about me. Apparently I'm a lesbian, devil worshiper, and an alcoholic. I didn't know my life was so fascinating. FML

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By TRalalla - Canada

Today, I decided to call the number a cute guy had scribbled onto a napkin and given to me. I was greeted by, "Hello, this is Dr. Allen's office." Surprised, because I didn't remember his name being anything close to Allen, I asked who Dr. Allen was. She's a psychologist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I attended a job fair for a position at a shop. I was the only one who showed and submitted an application. I didn't get the job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salem

Experimentation

Today, I walked in on my brother sticking his erect penis through a donut. I doubt I'll ever be able to unsee this. FML

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By newyorkers - United States - New York

Today, getting off a bus, it was pouring rain so I got my umbrella out. A man elbowed me in the gut and grabbed it. When I told my mom about it she said, "That's New York, get over it." FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, at the mall my brother and I went to look at a vendor's items when my mom said not to touch anything. Thinking my brother was standing next to me, I saw him touching stuff so I smacked him in the arm and told him to stop. I turn to see that the old lady to my side was giving me a mean look. FML

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By dargas - United States

Today, while preparing the house for company, I got a call that my sister had a heart attack and died. My wife's response? "Great! Now you're going to be no help to me at all!" FML

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Top comments

By geekynerd88 | 10

#7694700 - Monday 17 September 2018 13:34

Your wife literally made you bust a nut.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7690799 - Monday 10 September 2018 15:57

We mourn your loss, brother.

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7690799 - Monday 10 September 2018 15:57

We mourn your loss, brother.

Reply

RichardPencil | 29

#7694951 - Monday 17 September 2018 21:28

Half-brother.

By Emily Ball | 5

#7694697 - Monday 17 September 2018 13:16

That was a really ballsy move of her.

By geekynerd88 | 10

#7694700 - Monday 17 September 2018 13:34

Your wife literally made you bust a nut.

By Charlie Given | 23

#7694722 - Monday 17 September 2018 14:22

Umm WHAT!!! it takes about 400lbs to rupture a testicle ,what did she do get a running jump?🤔😨😵😕

Reply

corrupteddevil | 12

#7695173 - Tuesday 18 September 2018 10:05

Distribution of weight plays an important role. 180 pounds dispersed over a couple of square inches could easily surpass 400 pounds of pressure, especially if you factor in momentum.

Reply

woodpusher69 | 10

#7695986 - Wednesday 19 September 2018 18:40

pretty sure it dont take 400 lbs to pop a nut maybe 25 lbs at the most

By WHSKitty4ever | 23

#7694735 - Monday 17 September 2018 14:43

Update, please! Did you willingly become celibate after this?

By ViviMage | 38

#7694753 - Monday 17 September 2018 15:13

You can still manage a normal life with one testicle.

It's the death wife, the wife of punishment!

Your future children are groaning.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7694815 - Monday 17 September 2018 16:56

When your wife proposed the new sex position, I hope you didn’t say, “Have a ball!”

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7694861 - Monday 17 September 2018 18:40

Ouch! That's incredibly unfortunate for both of you. Best wishes for a speedy recovery.

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7694882 - Monday 17 September 2018 19:13

well for once a wife actually did take a man manhood

By pjsr | 32

#7694912 - Monday 17 September 2018 20:11

To your coworkers: My wife and I had such fantastic sex, I ended up in the hospital