By Anonymous

Ball Is Life

Today, my wife tried to be sexy by climbing on top of me wearing nothing but a thong. Unfortunately, her knee came down in just the wrong spot and I passed out instantly from the pain of my testicle rupturing. I'm in hospital now recovering from the removal surgery. FML

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Out of it

Walk on the wild side

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

By me - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate for the first time. He was sucking on my boob, everything was going good. He suddenly stopped and started choking really bad. He thought milk was coming out. Turns out, it was just his gum. The moment was ruined. FML

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By Daniella - 12/11/2020 11:03 - Indonesia - Jakarta

Online classes can be tricky

Today, I accidentally unmuted my mic during a class, and normally it would've just been silence, but dumb old me just had to sing a song at the top of my lungs, and I only stopped when my phone blew up with notifications. Great. FML

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By GreatAim - United States

Today, I was at my friends house for the first time in months. I saw her newest chihuahua dog, Mickey, and he was excited that new people were over. I picked him up and slightly bounced him in the air. Because of the bounce and his excitement, he peed a little bit, straight into my eye. FML

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By fuuu. - Hong Kong

Today, while painting a wall, I handed a bucket of paint up to my friend who was standing on the top rung of a ladder. She said she felt dizzy, and came crashing down on me, along with the paint on my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 20:02 - Canada - Windsor

Not likely in 2020

Today, I’m stuck not being able to sleep, because the thought of someone actually caring about me occurred. FML

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By nowsingle - Canada

Today, while making out with my boyfriend of a month, he started rubbing my boobs. He told me that he wanted to get some action before he broke up with me. FML

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By pinkpanther61789

Thanks for the support, guys!

Today, for the first time in months, I wore my naturally curly hair instead of straightening it. Later on at work, a customer pointed at my hair and said, "Look, Bellatrix fucked a poodle." All my coworkers laughed. FML

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By 3Airwalk3 - Canada

Dishwasher issues

Today, I was washing a stainless steel pot at my kitchen job. Every time I pulled it out of the dishwasher and examined it for dirt, I saw something orange inside it. After 3 run-throughs, I realized it was just my shirt's reflection. FML

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By DrakeB - United States - Seattle

Here boy!

Today, I found a lost dog and called the owner. When he arrived, I thought it would be cute to put the dog down so he would run back into his owner's arms, like in movies. As soon as I put the dog down, it ran away again. FML

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By noname - United States - Alexandria

Today, I found out that my fellow marching band mates all refer to me as the "short girl with big tits" because none of them can remember my name. FML

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By Zaak

Ouch.

Today, my neighbor, whom I've had a massive crush on but barely know, actually started flirting with me. Long story short, it ended with him getting a blowjob. I said, "We should make this a thing." He replied, "Yeah, a one-time thing." FML

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By crying over wasted milk - United States - Monterey Park

Today, in a fit of jealousy, my 10 year-old unplugged my freezer and lifted the lid before bed. It’s over 80°F in my garage. Now, my entire supply of breast milk is destroyed. Not only do I not have enough stored to feed my own baby, I was also donating to local hospitals. FML

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By Technomage - 27/3/2021 11:01

Cut short

Today, my first day at the job, I went up to my coworker and began to ask her name. She cut me off and snapped, “I have a name.” FML

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By Brayden - Australia - Crib Point

Today, the person I was driving behind put their car in reverse and backed straight into me. I was then yelled at and told, "I had my reversing lights on! Why didn't you move?!" FML

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By thx. - United States - Denver

Today, I told the girl working the scanner that half the documents I was indexing from her were upside down. Now ALL of them are upside down. FML

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By NotTilly - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's extended family. His grandpa was apparently senile, as he kept calling me "Tilly" and asking me to dance. His relatives thought this hilarious and busted out the video camera. Later, I learned his grandpa is not senile at all - the family was playing a joke on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to get fitted for a new bra since mine weren't fitting properly. To my amazement, I wasn't a 32A, but a 32AA. I might as well have craters on my chest. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to Sunday school for the first time. The priest assured us we could ask him anything, so I did. When class ended the priest pulled me and my mom aside and asked her to stop bringing me to Sunday school until "she learns not to question the bible and accept what she is told". FML

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By Volume_control - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having it off in his den, I screamed at the height of my climax, and from the family room came the roaring laughter of my boyfriend's brothers. FML

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By VoodooPriestess - 28/11/2020 14:02

What a catch

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years responded to my opening up about how I felt like I was always put on the back burner, was to ghost me for a week, and break up via text. Don't worry though, we can still be friends and maybe later, when he's ready, start the relationship again. FML

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By pk24 - United States

Today, I decided to try and call into a local radio station to try and win concert tickets for one of my favorite bands. I called in and was actually the winning number. When asked my name I answered quickly, but all I heard was "Hello? Hello?" Then they hung up. My cell phone was on mute. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while on a family Disney world vacation, I saw a kid shitting on a public bathroom's floor. It was my kid. He's 10. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Ilkeston

Today, I got rear-ended because my ultra-clingy girlfriend wouldn't let go of my hand long enough for me to shift gears. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, I had to rush to school to avoid being late. Unfortunately, I forgot to put a bra on beforehand, and as soon as I got to gym class, the first thing my teacher said was: "Okay folks, let's get outside, we're running the mile." FML

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By topfisherman - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to have fun at school. So, we went into the locker room. We were making out for a couple minutes when the door opened. It was the principal, who also happens to be her dad. FML

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By gumchuck - United States - Marshall

Today, in an effort to avoid my school's strict no-gum policy as my teacher made a b-line to me, I swallowed it. By the time the teacher reached me, the gum was on my desk, as well as my breakfast, thanks to my overactive gag reflex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after months of searching and several emotional breakdowns, I finally found a new job. My wife's words of encouragement? "Try not to fuck this one up." FML

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By FUCK GOD - Argentina - Salta

Today, for the first time in weeks, my wife felt frisky, and we started fooling around. Half-way through undressing me, she bolted out, claiming she had the shits. About five minutes later, she tearfully called out from the bathroom, begging me to bring her a fresh roll of toilet paper. FML

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By tracy4191 - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, I found out my mom sleeps in my room when I'm at college during the week. I discovered this my bumping into her dildo with my foot. FML

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By rebeccaremily - Canada

Today, my computer stopped working. Me, the technology challenged one, decided to do a system recovery on it hoping that I could make it better. Turns out, system recovery means deleting all the files off the computer including family photos, music and assignments and starting fresh. FML

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By boytoy - Canada

Today, I went to my school to take my yearbook picture. I was wearing a shirt that said ANALOG on the front. When I bent in to take the picture, part of my shirt overlapped itself. Now I'm known as the ANAL kid in the yearbook. FML

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By lorahayes - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the train listening to my iPod on shuffle. The "Oompa Loompa" song came on, and slightly amused, I started humming it. It wasn't until I noticed that the man next to me was a midget that I understood the horrified looks I was getting. FML

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By PhantomShitter - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Was it me?

Today, I read on Facebook that someone shat outside our block of flats. I laughed and showed it to my friend who was with me. She turned to me, and said, "That was you, we were locked outside last night and you needed to pee, but a poo slipped out." FML

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By dirtyhands - United States

Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom busted in my room to ask if I'm okay because she thought the squeaking was my crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML

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By unlucky - United States - Alpena

Today, I'm going to be helping the love of my life pick out an engagement ring for my cousin. FML

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By 303 - United States - Houston

Today, I picked up my car from the repair shop, drove two miles, and ran out of gas. I then walked to get gas, put a gallon of gas in the car, and tried to start it. The battery was too weak to start the car, and died on the spot. FML

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By fungettingdressed - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my fingers got stuck between the wall and headboard. Screaming, he thought I was enjoying the sex and kept going even harder. I have 3 broken fingers. FML

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By bubblewrap - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I noticed a guy checking out my ass in the mirror behind the bar where I work. He was cute, so I thought I'd put on a little show. I bent over to reach for something near the floor, which caused me to let rip a series of uncontrollable farts, like popping bubble wrap. He quickly left. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boston

Today, my friendly neighbor asked me to check in on his apartment every few days while he's gone on vacation. You can imagine my horror when I walked in for the first time and found out he's a snake breeder. Twelve more days to go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my printer to work because the one in my office is broken. When I tried to leave, my boss stopped me and accused me of stealing it from the office. Nobody would believe me when I explained. Now my boss has a new printer. FML

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Top comments

By geekynerd88 | 10

#7694700 - Monday 17 September 2018 13:34

Your wife literally made you bust a nut.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7690799 - Monday 10 September 2018 15:57

We mourn your loss, brother.

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7690799 - Monday 10 September 2018 15:57

We mourn your loss, brother.

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7694951 - Monday 17 September 2018 21:28

Half-brother.

By Emily Ball | 5

#7694697 - Monday 17 September 2018 13:16

That was a really ballsy move of her.

By geekynerd88 | 10

#7694700 - Monday 17 September 2018 13:34

Your wife literally made you bust a nut.

By Charlie Given | 23

#7694722 - Monday 17 September 2018 14:22

Umm WHAT!!! it takes about 400lbs to rupture a testicle ,what did she do get a running jump?🤔😨😵😕

Reply

corrupteddevil | 12

#7695173 - Tuesday 18 September 2018 10:05

Distribution of weight plays an important role. 180 pounds dispersed over a couple of square inches could easily surpass 400 pounds of pressure, especially if you factor in momentum.

Reply

woodpusher69 | 10

#7695986 - Wednesday 19 September 2018 18:40

pretty sure it dont take 400 lbs to pop a nut maybe 25 lbs at the most

By WHSKitty4ever | 23

#7694735 - Monday 17 September 2018 14:43

Update, please! Did you willingly become celibate after this?

By ViviMage | 38

#7694753 - Monday 17 September 2018 15:13

You can still manage a normal life with one testicle.

It's the death wife, the wife of punishment!

Your future children are groaning.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7694815 - Monday 17 September 2018 16:56

When your wife proposed the new sex position, I hope you didn’t say, “Have a ball!”

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7694861 - Monday 17 September 2018 18:40

Ouch! That's incredibly unfortunate for both of you. Best wishes for a speedy recovery.

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7694882 - Monday 17 September 2018 19:13

well for once a wife actually did take a man manhood

By pjsr | 32

#7694912 - Monday 17 September 2018 20:11

To your coworkers: My wife and I had such fantastic sex, I ended up in the hospital