Kids: Today, I was talking to a friend about how many germs live on...

By Katherine - United States

Today, I was talking to a friend about how many germs live on the average cell phone. My five year old son apparently overheard me talking, and decided to give my cell phone a bath. FML

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Kids

Time don't heal nothing

Seize the means of production

Never flip flop and drive

By meeeee! - United States - Wilmington

Today, I fell out of a window while trying to close it so no one would fall out. FML

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By Soopa-Genius - Canada

Today, the new office IT guy figured the best way to get the virus off my computer was to wipe my entire hard drive. He was kind enough to back my data up and restore everything from the backups. Including the virus. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Maidstone

Today, I woke up to find my face covered in scratches, some of them bleeding. I was rather puzzled, as I don't have a cat. Then I realised that the feathers in my pillow had stuck out and scratched my face. I was attacked by my own pillow. FML

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By team hit bella with a car - United States - Odenton

Today, after waiting for years for my oldest daughter to grow out of Twilight, my younger daughter discovered it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was watching the show "Sixteen and Pregnant". I started bawling when the girl's dirtbag boyfriend proposed to her with a $20 ring he bought from Walmart because I was so lonely and was jealous of her "romantic relationship". FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I was studying for a big test I have next Tuesday in my room. I heard a creak in my ceiling but assumed it was nothing as my house is old. Thirty seconds later something fell from my air vent directly onto my head. It was a giant cockroach. FML

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By MaydayManic - United States

Today, I finally went to my boyfriend's house to meet his family. When they were giving me a tour of the house, I noticed a Nazi flag on my boyfriend's bedroom door. FML

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By FML_Elle - United States

Today, I was walking in the freezing rain when a guy asked me if I wanted to share his umbrella with him. I grinned and told him I did. He then noticed a pretty girl walking behind me and he abruptly turned to her and asked her the same question. FML

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By maybe? - Germany - Hamburg

Today, at a paintball match, my boyfriend shot me between the legs and asked, "Still want kids now?" FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

TMI

Today, I played Call Of Duty online against someone who turned out to be wanking. FML

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By SadExperiment - United States - Claremont

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has secretly been conditioning me to get turned on by the smell of bananas. Guess whose new co-worker peels a nice, fragrant banana five times a day. FML

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By docwinters - Australia - Bathurst

Today, my partner and I were cuddling on the couch, watching TV when she smiled and murmured, "You smell like my dad." FML

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By Partners - United States - Alpharetta

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his friends as his "sex partner." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 23:01

Covid 19 ain't going anywhere

Today, my fiancé and I decided to just have a small wedding and have a big reception later, out of concern for everyone’s health and safety. My mother won’t stop asking us, “What’s the point now?” I thought our marriage was the point. FML

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By pandaboo - United States

Today, I was staying over at my boyfriend's house, sleeping in his sister's room while she is away at college. I left my necklace on her dresser. When I came back, it was gone. His mother saw it there and thought it was her daughter's necklace. She hid it so I wouldn't "steal it". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called my husband during my lunch to tell him that I wanted to go out tonight for my birthday. We got in argument because he said we couldn't afford it. When I got home from work, he was gone, so I called his cell to see where he went. Answer: to the bar with his friends. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, I was listening to some Michael Jackson through my earphones when I saw this really cute girl. Trying to impress, I aproached her while doing some dance moves, not thinking about how unbelievably stupid it must have looked without the music. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2020 08:08

Thanks, Marley

Today, I made sure my puppy went number 1 and 2 before taking them into a pet-friendly store. In the store, two ladies awed at my puppy, but as I picked him up I didn't notice he'd shat on the floor until they pointed it out, giving me a dirty look. Other customers glared as I picked up his smeared shit. FML

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By lionhead14 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up needing to wee. I was at my boyfriend's and didn't want to wake him, so I sat on the edge of the toilet and peed as quietly as possible. I realised after that I'd sat too far over and had peed on the floor. There was no loo paper. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2021 11:01 - Germany

Sing me to sleep

Today, there are two parts to my life: The 12 hours I spend in bed each night trying to fall asleep, with limited success, and the 12 hours I'm up and trying *not* to fall asleep, also with limited success. FML

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By LegallyBored - Canada - Regina

Today, my roommate went away for the weekend so she could hook up with a guy from Tinder that she's never met. This wouldn't be a problem if we hadn't already made plans for my 18th birthday, which is also today. Here's to a night of Netflix with my dog. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I was asked how far I've gone with a guy. My answer? Eye contact. I'm 19. FML

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By see you next cunt - United States

Today, about 10 minutes into my first jog in months, someone in a car started following me, yelling stuff like "Oh my god, it's Shamu!" and "Run faster, fatty!" I ended up breaking down in tears before he finally sped off, roaring with laughter. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Morristown

Today, I discovered that in the three days I left my 18-year-old son in charge, my dog had gotten pregnant. When I confronted my son about it, he stated, "I don't want the reputation of being a cock-blocker." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wichita

Today, I went to a concert with my girlfriend. Some guy grabbed her ass, and I tried to fight him. I ended up with a concussion and a messed up jaw. Her? Oh, she beat the shit out of him while I was unconscious. FML

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By klv8 - United States

Today, I logged onto facebook to realize that my boyfriend is now listed as single. News to me. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Norsborg

Today, it was the first time I was going to fly first class. I ended up in the bathroom almost the whole flight with diarrhea. FML

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By Not impressed. - Canada - Toronto

Today, working in a department store, I spent at least 30 minutes helping a verbally abusive elderly woman in a wheelchair find an appropriate jacket for winter. She finally asked me to retrieve one she wanted in her size. When I returned she was in deep sleep, snoring and all. FML

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By RadYoHeaD - United Kingdom

Today, I went running to the gym on the way to work and I forgot to bring a spare shirt. All I have to wear is a wet white tshirt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Coshocton

Today, my mom grabbed my phone, said she was taking it because I'd been disrespectful, and hung up my call. I'd been speaking with a work client. This is the gratitude I get for paying all her bills for the past 2 years, all because she's too lazy to get a job. FML

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By SadDad - United States

Today, in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!" The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me. FML

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By You're Not a Wizard

Today, I earned the nickname of "Harry Potter" for all the wrong reasons. I got locked in a storage cupboard for most of my shift, and couldn't get out. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - ?ngelholm

One night

Today, I woke up from putting my child to bed. Drowsy, I stumbled down to the kitchen to make a mug cookie. I read a recipe on my phone, and put a knob of butter in a cup to melt in the microwave. I put my phone in the microwave and turned it on for 30 seconds, and didn't realize until I smelt burning plastic.. FML

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By muffingirl - United Kingdom

Today, while lying in bed, my boyfriend reached over and pinched my love handles and said "Where did this muffin top come from?". Then he sang "Do you know the muffin man?" to me. FML

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By bman - Australia - Sydney

Today, I caught myself staring at my grandmother's cleavage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Everett

Today, I witnessed my karate instructor whimper and practically piss himself as a guy walked up to him in the street and demanded his wallet. What a total waste of hundreds of dollars' worth of lessons. FML

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By Waterfalls - United States - Carlsbad

Today, I stood up too quickly and got dizzy, so I sat on the edge of the bed to regain my balance. I started dozing off to sleep again, got confused, and peed down the side of my bed thinking I was on the toilet. FML

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By Chronicus Ironia - United States

Today, I found out that my wife is leaving me for a tattoo artist. I was in rehab and she met him getting a tattoo as a surprise for me. FML

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By jmac - United States

Today, I dropped a knife while cooking. Luckily it missed my foot, but only because it hit my knee. FML

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By NathanPlays - United States

Today, a very attractive girl moved in across the road from me. As I was leaving, I noticed she was looking out her window at me. I tried playing it cool, only to end up tripping over my own feet, hands in pocket, and faceplanting the hood of my dad's car. FML

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Top comments

By desireev | 17

#4031398 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:07

Aww! He was just thinkin' of you Momma!
Sweet little boy! :)

By Razzle_Dazzle_5 | 11

#4031451 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:11

Scrub a dub dub IPhone in the tub!

COMMENTS

By desireev | 17

#4031398 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:07

Aww! He was just thinkin' of you Momma!
Sweet little boy! :)

LiveLaughFML | 10

#4031593 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:27

You should be happy you have a five year old son who wants to stay and keep things clean. Most kiddies aren't like that :-P

FMLContinued | 3

#4031643 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:35

Kids do the damnedest things, don't they? That kid is adorable.

RrLSf19 | 0

#4032583 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 6:20

Well, he did have the right idea! Reminds me of me when I was his age ;)

mango260 | 9

#4032829 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 7:46

Priceless.

cmac86 | 23

#4033199 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 9:37

That's going to be a hilarious story when he's older. It'll be a memory they'll hold on to forever.

Danielt104 | 6

#4037003 - Wednesday 15 February 2012 5:41

You're not the only one who lost a phone today. My dad dropped his phone in the toilet today!

By datoismyname | 22

#4031427 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:09

Well it's clean now.

By twofirstnames | 12

#4031435 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:10

At least he was trying to rid of the germs, gotta give him credit for that(:

twofirstnames | 12

#4031470 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:13

But FYL though.

By alexup24 | 13

#4031439 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:10

rice time!!!

riceicle1 | 6

#4031600 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:28

My time to shine :D

By Razzle_Dazzle_5 | 11

#4031451 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:11

Scrub a dub dub IPhone in the tub!

By Goatinsfriend | 8

#4031492 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:15

At least he tried!

By flockz | 19

#4031495 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:15

there's an app for that.

JrDoubled | 0

#4038906 - Wednesday 15 February 2012 16:57

Lmaooo!!!

By Pelreskovich | 11

#4031501 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:15

That's adorable, just trying to help out! Hopefully you have full coverage on it! But definitely something you should laugh off, don't get mad at the lil guy!

By alival | 12

#4031505 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:16

Aw! He's just making sure mommy doesn't get sick! He loves you!

By Meraklez1013 | 9

#4031527 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:18

Aww that's cute nd sad all at the same time!! :D