Kids: Today, I was talking to a friend about how many germs live on...

By Katherine - 13/02/2012 21:23 - United States

Today, I was talking to a friend about how many germs live on the average cell phone. My five year old son apparently overheard me talking, and decided to give my cell phone a bath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 550

You deserved it 6 471

Kids

Triage

BO Central

Age difference

Make your mind up

By Anonymous - 19/08/2021 14:01 - United States - Miami

Today, the guy I liked broke things off with me because he needed time to work on himself, and heal from his recent break up. I went on Instagram to find him reading a poem to his ex about how he wants to worship her body. FML

I agree, your life sucks 900

You deserved it 104

By Oops - 14/01/2010 15:55 - United States

Today, while at work at a maternity and baby clothes store, I was supposed to send out an email about our "Beat the Clock" sale. After it was sent to over 500 people, I realized that I'd misspelled the subject line. It read, "Beat the Cock Sale." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 753

You deserved it 33 008

By Anonymous - 01/10/2011 02:01 - United States

Today, as I was walking home from school with my guy friends, my dad pulled up by the sidewalk, offered me a handful of dollar bills and said, "Get in, baby." Only after we drove away and he started laughing did I realize I'll probably never hear the end of this at school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 261

You deserved it 6 822

By Jman6295 - 08/01/2012 00:12 - United States

Today, while helping my father build a shelf, I suggested that we should probably use the instruction manual. He suggested I should probably shut the fuck up and do it his way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 941

You deserved it 15 206

By tracey - 19/10/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I got pulled over for going 85mph in a 60mph zone on a highway in the Everglades. There were cars passing both the cop and me as I was being pulled over. The cop decided I was easiest to catch since I was the slowest of the bunch even though the other cars were topping 100mph. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 011

You deserved it 17 687

By Jayman223 - 10/02/2017 09:00 - United States - Reno

Today I adopted a dog. He ran away the same day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 678

You deserved it 1 129

By Ihadnoidea - 12/12/2015 19:41 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, while working at a gas station, I accidentally changed the price of gas to 8.9 cents per litre. It took me fifteen minutes to figure out why everyone wanted only two or three dollars of gas. I fixed it, but now my managers are debating charging me for lost revenue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 322

You deserved it 7 044

By Stressed Mother - 18/03/2015 21:26 - United States - Piscataway

Today, after months of job hunting, I finally got a phone call. They were impressed with me. That's when my son decided to throw a tantrum asking for food. After some silence, the caller told me they were looking for someone who wasn't juggling little kids at home and hung up. My son is 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 920

You deserved it 5 961

By Anonymous - 09/08/2009 14:33 - United States

Today, after going to the beach with my guyfriend, I thought I looked pretty good infront of him in a bikini. Later he whispered in my ear, "You have a lot of hairs sticking out of your bottom". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 876

You deserved it 45 783

By ktiskool - 01/08/2013 04:03 - United States - Imperial

Today, I was watching my 3-year-old sister play in the bathtub. She started screaming at her toys, saying "You're staying under the water until you DIE!" She then looked at me and cackled. I share a room with this demon child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 345

You deserved it 4 130

Words is hard

By kate - 26/10/2021 02:00

Today, my seven year-old daughter called me a weirdo. When I yelled and grounded her, she cried and said she thought “weirdo” was a compliment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 291

You deserved it 1 455

Itchy butt

By peachezthelette - 27/12/2020 19:58

Today, while at work, I had to explain over the phone to my 33-year-old boyfriend how to use Preparation H. FML

I agree, your life sucks 633

You deserved it 98

By thanksmom - 09/01/2013 19:57 - United States - Tucson

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my parents. As he was loading his truck, I went inside to take a surreptitious shit. I ended up clogging the toilet, and so the first thing my mom said to my boyfriend was, "You'll have to find another bathroom; she just clogged it all up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 561

You deserved it 7 747

By Anonymous - 11/10/2018 13:30

Today, I was offered a position as a trainer at a great company. My manager was livid when I told her. This is after she told me I was wasting my time trying to become a trainer and if I wanted to become one, I should apply elsewhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 793

You deserved it 195

By Anonymous - 06/07/2015 01:48 - United States - Tampa

Today, I was bored of doing nothing so I decided to take my 4-year-old brother and 3 of our dogs to a school playground nearby. When we got there, one of the four of them pooped in the field. It wasn't one of the dogs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 263

You deserved it 2 172

By spooked - 22/11/2013 06:20 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, while babysitting a girl, I told her to be quiet so she wouldn't wake her little brother. In reply, she told me that she would kill me, wake her brother up to show him my dead body, then draw all over my face. I'm stuck with her for another two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 641

You deserved it 3 779

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

By climbing the walls - 30/09/2020 17:02 - United States

Today, it’s been nearly six months since our state has been on lockdown. My boyfriend the introvert has never been happier. Meanwhile, I, the extrovert, have been bored to literal tears from the lack of human interactions and travel. There’s only so much Netflix and reading I can do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 959

You deserved it 413

By Anonymous - 01/02/2011 13:43 - United States

Today, I was startled awake at 4am by a loud and awful sound. Completely serious, I asked my fiancé if he had just shit his pants. His response: giggles followed by a softly whispered "maybe". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 057

You deserved it 5 313

By Jessie - 25/12/2010 13:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were in our room getting hot and heavy. As he was entering me, he started making electronic whirring sounds. Once inside, he said in a robotic voice, "Initiating launch sequence in 3... 2... 1..." and began thrusting as fast as possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 535

You deserved it 9 509

By romancocks - 09/05/2014 20:31 - United States - Palatka

Today, some girl in the street mistook me for Richard Simmons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 247

You deserved it 5 773

Gordon says you SUCK

By James - 01/04/2020 17:00

Today, my sister was so bored during the lockdown that she let me attempt to cook an omelette without turning the stove on, just so she had something amusing to watch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 1 249

By breyn - 18/02/2015 19:48 - United States

Today, while working at my salon, I was cutting an older gentleman's hair. When he got up to leave, everyone noticed he had clearly pissed his pants. I felt bad for him until he laughed and said, "Here's your tip, have fun cleaning that up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 478

You deserved it 2 419

By bluebride - 03/02/2010 17:58 - United States

Today, I got married. My mother told me to stop being difficult, because she was the mother of the bride, and it was her day to shine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 677

You deserved it 3 024

By Anonymous - 17/08/2015 22:46 - Canada - Kingston

Today, my girlfriend dyed her hair from blonde to brunette. An hour later, she found one of her blonde hairs on my pillow, and accused me of cheating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 344

You deserved it 2 054

By Chels - 24/05/2019 04:00

Today, I was giving my boyfriend oral, and he got so into it that he grabbed my hair. Just as he was about to climax, he pulled my hair so hard that my extensions came out. I jerked back and hit my head on the wall behind me. He then came in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 227

You deserved it 520

By Anonymous - 17/10/2014 01:10 - United States - Dayton

Today, I never really thought that my boyfriend and brother having the same name was too weird. Until I called out his name during climax. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 579

You deserved it 6 041

Alexa, play "Isolation" by Joy Division

By Anonymous - 06/11/2020 22:56 - United States - Ashburn

Today, I jokingly said to my coworker, "God, what I wouldn't do for a week off work." I was then tested positive for COVID fifteen minutes later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 805

You deserved it 427

Every day I'm hustlin'

By Allen - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I brought home a vase, which I was proud of, that I made for my mother in my pottery class. My mother took one look at it and said, "Oh good, you can sell that in our garage sale." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 283

You deserved it 3 238

By stutterernotschizophrenic - 15/11/2010 03:43

Today, I was alone in my dorm room rehearsing comments to make in my writing class tomorrow. I grew up with a severe stutter, and rehearsing like this is one of the ways I keep my speech under control. What I didn't plan on was my roommate walking in. I think she now thinks I'm schizophrenic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 721

You deserved it 2 968

By Wet Britches - 24/11/2016 01:32 - United States - Portland

Today, on my rush to get home from work to use the bathroom, I hit a deer. It startled me so badly that I wet myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 632

You deserved it 1 552

By gkid92 - 16/08/2011 16:16 - Canada

Today, I found out that if I don't get fillings in at least ten of my teeth within the next year, I could lose them all. I'm 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 416

You deserved it 42 970

By GN - 17/09/2012 04:47 - United States - New York

Today, I got stopped by the fuzz. The officer told me he "could care less" about my excuses. He was probably about to let me go without a ticket, but my inner Grammar Nazi kicked in and I explained why he meant to say "couldn't care less." I got the ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 311

You deserved it 46 854

By SLAB_GIRL15 - 01/08/2012 07:59 - Australia - Port Macquarie

Today, I cleaned the toilet so vigorously that I snapped the handle of the brush. I laughed and told the rest of my family. Instead of joining in on the hilarity, my mother screamed, "We have had that toilet brush for twenty-six years!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 357

You deserved it 3 059

Catboys rise up

By CatWoman - 11/02/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, I hooked up with a guy who has a Facebook page for his cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 847

You deserved it 39 104

By -___- - 14/09/2012 23:06 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, my five-year-old daughter asked me why moms don't swallow clothes, so that their babies won't be born naked. My husband burst into derisive laughter, and has now trained her into responding to the name "Derp-Derp." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 600

You deserved it 3 336

By ihatekids - 14/07/2016 20:43

Today, the favorite activity of the four kids I'm babysitting is running up to me when I least expect it and farting on me. I can't even sit down without them attacking me with their butts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 844

You deserved it 1 188

By lloydLO - 24/10/2009 02:23 - United States

Today, I met and asked a cute girl out on a date. We decided to meet at a fancy restaurant downtown. When I got there I saw her sitting with what turned out to be her parents. They made a huge scene, calling me a pedophile and a low-life. Apparently, the girl was 16 years old. I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 941

You deserved it 13 487

By Anonymous - 18/10/2013 16:26 - Norway - Ytre Arna

Today, my mom let me stay home from school, because I was sick. We both agreed not to tell my dad, since he's adamant that I never miss even one day of school. A few hours after my mom left for work, he came back home, with another woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 142

You deserved it 3 519

By cauteriseme - 01/01/2011 15:37 - United Kingdom

Today, as the clock struck twelve for the new year, I was in the bathroom having a nosebleed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 414

You deserved it 4 129

By fuck off you fucking shitburglar - 31/10/2015 10:20 - United Kingdom - London

Today, a tailgating idiot rear-ended me at a red light, then had the balls to say it was my fault for "driving too close" to his car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 723

You deserved it 1 456

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Top comments

desireev 17

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:07

Aww! He was just thinkin' of you Momma! Sweet little boy! :)

Razzle_Dazzle_5 11

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:11

Scrub a dub dub IPhone in the tub!

desireev 17

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:07

Aww! He was just thinkin' of you Momma! Sweet little boy! :)

LiveLaughFML 10

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:27

You should be happy you have a five year old son who wants to stay and keep things clean. Most kiddies aren't like that :-P

FMLContinued 3

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:35

Kids do the damnedest things, don't they? That kid is adorable.

RrLSf19 0

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 6:20

Well, he did have the right idea! Reminds me of me when I was his age ;)

mango260 9

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 7:46

Priceless.

cmac86 23

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 9:37

That's going to be a hilarious story when he's older. It'll be a memory they'll hold on to forever.

Danielt104 6

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 5:41

You're not the only one who lost a phone today. My dad dropped his phone in the toilet today!

datoismyname 22

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:09

Well it's clean now.

twofirstnames 12

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:10

At least he was trying to rid of the germs, gotta give him credit for that(:

twofirstnames 12

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:13

But FYL though.

alexup24 13

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:10

rice time!!!

riceicle1 6

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:28

My time to shine :D

Razzle_Dazzle_5 11

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:11

Scrub a dub dub IPhone in the tub!

Goatinsfriend 8

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:15

At least he tried!

flockz 19

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:15

there's an app for that.

JrDoubled 0

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 16:57

Lmaooo!!!

Pelreskovich 11

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:15

That's adorable, just trying to help out! Hopefully you have full coverage on it! But definitely something you should laugh off, don't get mad at the lil guy!