Intimacy: Today, I was sitting on the bus when a good looking girl accidentally...

By Anonymous - 16/01/2011 07:49 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the bus when a good looking girl accidentally brushed her ass up against my shoulder as she walked past. This only made me realize that this has been the closest I've come to touching a girls ass in over a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 432

You deserved it 6 205

Intimacy

Sorry…

Rock, hard place

Innocence project

By sunflower226 - 05/08/2011 21:41 - United States

Today, I had to pay a $150 late fee because my landlord didn't receive the rent check. My boyfriend had addressed the envelope to himself and put the landlord's as the return address. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 515

You deserved it 4 017

By oldtexas - 13/08/2009 07:27 - United States

Today, I bought a freezer mug that looks like it's full of water. I've been playing tricks on my friends by throwing the empty cup at them. After doing this a few dozen times, my 83 year-old mother came to visit. I played the same trick on her. The joke's on me. My Dad filled the cup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 240

You deserved it 67 353

Stormy weather

By Anonymous - 20/09/2020 17:00 - United Stated - Portland

Today, I was about to have sex with my long-term boyfriend, when it started to rain. He was so interested in the storm that he left me half naked to look outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 068

You deserved it 216

By justwow - 21/03/2012 23:58 - United States - Fort George G Meade

Today, I saw an article about how some people think internet access is more important than sex. I asked my boyfriend which he thought was more important. He chose internet access. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 812

You deserved it 7 357

Kinda sweet

By cakegirl - 26/05/2009 01:15 - United States

Today, my boyfriend invited me over, so I went, not thinking anything of it. To my surprise, he broke up with me. I was pretty upset, and as I was leaving his mom handed me a box. When I got home, I opened it. His mom had baked me a break-up cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 371

You deserved it 3 798

By im_radd - 21/01/2010 07:31 - United States

Today, while in the waiting room at the chiropractor's office, I thought I'd be sexy and flash my boyfriend. Forgetting that my iPhone was in the front pocket of my hoodie, I lifted it quickly and hit myself in the mouth. Now I have a fat bloody lip and a boyfriend who can't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 728

You deserved it 46 910

By What? - 19/04/2012 01:15 - United States - Needham

Today, I overheard a conversation between coworkers, during which my name was mentioned, then, "and then I followed her around for a bit, but she didn’t do it again." Everyone laughed. I've no idea what I did that was so funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 088

You deserved it 2 193

By kenneth - 31/08/2018 01:30

Today, I had to drive 40-odd miles to my grown-ass son's house to kill a large spider on the wall. It had him trapped in his bedroom because his wife had already gone to work. How did I ever raise such a wuss? FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 637

You deserved it 1 549

Own it

By annie - 26/05/2021 10:57

Today, when I stepped on the scale this morning, I broke it. Now my family won’t stop making fun of me and calling me names like "chubby" and "fatso". The scale was really old and I weigh 110 pounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 382

You deserved it 185

By Muchacha22 - 20/06/2016 17:25 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my work directory was updated to reflect my recent promotion. Due to lack of space, they abbreviated the title. I'm now listed as "Sr Anal". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 269

You deserved it 1 650

Febreze time of the month

By Lunar-Spice - 24/07/2021 02:01 - United States - Midlothian

Today, like every month, I'm able to tell when my period is going to come, down to the exact day. It becomes increasingly smelly, even before I've started, to the point where everyone around me can barely stand it. I can't do anything to get rid of the stench before it's actually started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 221

You deserved it 93

By Ricky - 09/03/2009 00:00 - Canada

Today, I was working at Old Navy. A girl came up to me and did a bizarre dance. Not knowing how to react, I imitated her to be friendly with the customer. Then she stopped cold. Her friend stormed up to me and yelled, "you jerk! Why are you mocking her? She has tourettes you know!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 022

You deserved it 40 774

My precious

By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 14:02

Today, I had some flagstones put down to fix a muddy place where my horses stand, in a part of the woods that is only accessible on foot. The flagstones weigh about 30 kilos apiece and you can easily get them for free on the internet, yet someone went to the trouble to steal them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 795

You deserved it 57

By Anonymous - 16/01/2012 16:10 - United States

Today, I realized my self confidence is based on the amount of "likes" I have on my Facebook statuses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 319

You deserved it 38 319

By anon - 01/10/2010 02:54 - United States

Today, I removed all my online dating profiles. Apparently my ex-husband finds stalking me online preferable to spending time with his new girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 957

You deserved it 2 992

By Filingfordivorce - 18/05/2017 16:00

Today, it seems my husband didn't realize that "Office Space" is just a movie and began to act like the characters in a pathetic attempt to, "stand up to the establishment!" Perhaps he also didn't realize that attempted arson is considered a federal crime. The bail is $20,000. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 207

You deserved it 407

I'm just saying…

By dirty boy - 05/07/2021 11:00

Today, what started as an amazing day with hiking, a picnic, more hiking, then a romantic nature walk, ended in a ridiculous screaming match between me and my boyfriend. I only asked him to shower before laying in our bed when we got home, since we were covered in sweat, bug bites and dirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 956

You deserved it 100

By elisabeth_pwnes - 16/03/2012 10:38 - Norway

Today, my fiancé came home drunk with some girl. Then he told her that I was his sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 177

You deserved it 3 726

Encouragement

By peallow - 12/05/2013 05:01 - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, I asked my father if he was proud that I have never done drugs, never drank alcohol, never had sex, never had psychological problems, never been to the hospital for something serious, never been in a fight and maintain good grades. He told me I was a boring daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 068

You deserved it 20 281

Mum

By mummer11 - 15/11/2013 17:49 - Ireland

Today, my mum staggered home, piss drunk. When I tried to walk her to her room, she shoved me away and cursed at me for being a "goody two-shoes". She then slurred, "I fucked your mum", and informed me that my mum is a skank. That's good to know, mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 939

You deserved it 3 117

By Anonymous - 24/06/2012 14:17 - Canada - Cochrane

Today, a homeless man tried to sell me a "magic, one-finger glove". It was a used condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 962

You deserved it 3 266

By jealousgirl - 16/07/2015 21:00 - United Kingdom

Today, after having to spend over an hour yesterday giving the man I'm in love with advice on how to impress his date yesterday evening, I got to spend another hour listening to how great their sex was last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 338

You deserved it 8 034

By John - 01/04/2017 08:00 - United States

Today, I attended a formal dinner with donors to my university. While looking at a much older lady's nametag to see who she was, I was publicly accused of looking at her breasts. Now a bunch of people I was supposed to impress think I'm a pervert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 982

You deserved it 634

By Anonymous - 19/07/2015 18:02 - United States - Greensburg

Today, I had lunch with an old friend I've had a crush on for years. We're both single, so I figured it to be kind of like a date. Until he started talking about how he told his brother last night that we would never be a thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 134

You deserved it 2 724

By demk - 20/08/2009 14:51 - United States

Today, my husband and I were in bed, and just as I was about to finish he screamed, "Oh shit! It's 4:15, my strawberries are gonna whither!!!!" and then jumped off me and went to check on his farm on FarmVille. An imaginary farm, on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 92 737

You deserved it 8 028

By Roostermann25 - 31/05/2016 01:34 - United States - Lebanon

Today, while meeting some of the big boss guys at my new job, one of the men sneezed on his hand and then grabbed mine for a handshake. I felt every gooey bit of his snot between our hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 805

You deserved it 972

By fml - 05/02/2009 11:41 - United States

Today, I got fired from my job. I worked for my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 276

You deserved it 10 905

By Pickle - 03/03/2011 06:58 - United States

Today, my friend and I taught a very involved healthy nutrition program to underprivileged youths at a local center. We even made them a healthy snack at the end of the program. Within minutes of the program being over, we catch some of our fellow volunteers feeding the kids Oreos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 171

You deserved it 5 306

By Dramaqueenfornothing - 27/04/2016 22:32 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, while being intimate with my future husband, I reached over to stroke his cheek. The light behind him cast a shadow over my chest, and it scared me so much, I screamed then I farted on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 292

You deserved it 2 775

Gordon Ramsey is furious

By sunitgir - 21/10/2019 06:00

Today, my mother decided to cook dinner for us and used rice that she had in her cupboard. While helping out, I stirred the dish and noticed black flecks. Turns out they were rice weevils. She tried to convince me it was "burnt garlic" and served it to the rest of the family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 588

You deserved it 127

By ohhelllllno - 20/04/2009 10:05 - Canada

Today, the $300 ring my boyfriend gave me for my birthday slipped off my finger... into the toilet. I had to sift through my own poo to get it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 069

You deserved it 19 687

Job satisfaction

By Mark - 06/01/2010 02:06 - United States

Today, I started my new job as a janitor at a store. The first thing that happened when I came in was another employee telling me that there was vomit in the restroom, and that I had to clean it up. Not only did I clean up vomit, I had to clean up the poop that made the kid puke in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 052

You deserved it 4 292

By Jdub - 28/05/2009 00:51 - United States

Today, I went to a real Japanese restaurant with my sister and mom, where you had to take off your shoes and sit on the floor. After the meal, I realized my shoes were no longer where I put them. For the seven years the restaurant has been open, I'm the first person to get their shoes stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 206

You deserved it 3 591

By psychopumpkin - 13/05/2013 14:16 - United Kingdom - Boston

Today, I'm so strapped for cash that I smuggled toilet paper out of my mother's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 114

You deserved it 7 289

By Anonymous - 20/09/2013 21:00 - Hungary - Szeged

Today, my girlfriend came over to visit me and my brother at our apartment. I left for just five minutes to fix us lunch. When I got back, she was making out with my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 680

You deserved it 3 968

By jumpy - 03/01/2010 23:59 - United States

Today, I put cucumber slices on my eyes to help me relax. I found this very calming till I woke up to ants trying to eat my eyes out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 552

You deserved it 6 533

By liz - 21/05/2009 23:46 - United States

Today, I was walking in Walmart and this cute guy walked by me and winked. I thought he wanted to talk so I followed him around the store trying to catch up. Turns out it wasn't a wink, he had something in his eye. And he told the security person that a weird girl was stalking him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 081

You deserved it 52 246

By hitintheeye - 26/11/2011 15:09 - Canada

Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 514

You deserved it 17 089

By Lindsey - 24/05/2014 15:22 - United States

Today, I took my driving test. I had pulled out of my three point turn in a neighborhood and started driving again, thinking something wasn't quite right. The lady testing me looked over at me and said, "Sweetie, you're driving on the wrong side of the road." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 207

You deserved it 20 760

By kai - 27/01/2009 01:32 - United States

Today, the only guy who I ever thought liked me for my personality said he had something important to tell me. Later I got an e-mail from him saying he is "worried about me because I lack the skills to get along with other people." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 721

You deserved it 3 191

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Top comments

Doortje 29

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Sunday 16 January 2011 16:41

You should take the bus more often.

perdix 29

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Sunday 16 January 2011 17:24

So what happened over a year ago? Did you bump into a girl's ass in a check-out counter line or something? I'm hassling you, buddy, but I'm on a bit of an ass-touching drought myself, butt I'm hoping to fix that sooñ.

Keyman1212 14

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Sunday 16 January 2011 16:33

YOU PERVERT.

xxcheezy7xx 5

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Sunday 16 January 2011 16:34

uhmm ew

ImZachhh 0

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Sunday 16 January 2011 21:02

ur ew.

manMadeFAIL 7

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Monday 17 January 2011 6:28

haha got get a life u perv... u probably play black ops to 1:00 in the morning

Keyman1212 14

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Monday 17 January 2011 8:03

Never played the Call of Duty franchise in my life.

182crazyking 9

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Thursday 31 March 2011 8:03

I wonder how this ass-to-shoulder thing works. Is it trollphysics?

Supersonic54 18

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Sunday 16 January 2011 16:35

Uh sucks for you?

Kaiden2554 0

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Monday 17 January 2011 9:00

Did u whip it out the next time she walked by!?????

IronZombie 0

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Monday 17 January 2011 12:21

I agree, should have whipped ur dick out and rubbed it on her shoulder and see if she likes it

yesiyes 0

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Sunday 16 January 2011 16:40

wow, it's been soo long!-_-

Takador 3

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Sunday 16 January 2011 17:31

OP go gay! :D u'll have better chances xD

Wheredidgrungego 12

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Sunday 16 January 2011 17:46

Being bisexual is more fun :D

zjrsi 0

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Monday 17 January 2011 2:17

get a room you two

Onlydie 0

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Sunday 16 January 2011 16:40

Why are you smelling girls ass

xxcheezy7xx 5

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Sunday 16 January 2011 16:44

he not smelling he's touching, ;)

Geoffrx7 0

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Sunday 16 January 2011 16:41

you have given it a little tap, and then wink at her when she turns around.

Doortje 29

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Sunday 16 January 2011 16:41

You should take the bus more often.

KingDingALing 9

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Sunday 16 January 2011 17:26

I will resume that cheating argument now. How could you do this to me, Doortje?! You have broken my heart. :( KaySL never did this to me! Probably because everyone was too scared to stalk his scary ass, but that's beside the point! You must be punished...violently. I was thinking an ass-raping with a strap on that has rusty nails on it will do it.

Doortje 29

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Sunday 16 January 2011 18:04

I went to the cops, and they told me the best thing to do when you have a stalker is to just ignore them. So I thought I should let you know that will be my strategy from now on.

xxcheezy7xx 5

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Sunday 16 January 2011 18:20

we don't?

Aerious 0

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Sunday 16 January 2011 18:20

The bus has good looking girls! ;]

KingDingALing 9

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Sunday 16 January 2011 21:58

Ehh...I'm done stalking people. It's too much work. I'm just going to go back to sitting on my ass while eating ice cream straight from the bucket.

RedPillSucks 31

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Monday 17 January 2011 2:28

You make that sound like its a bad thing.

EagorLuvsBigFoot 8

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Monday 17 January 2011 2:50

it is a bad thing what do u wanna get fat ???

IrishSoulja 4

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Sunday 16 January 2011 16:41

So?

uhhohh5252 0

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Sunday 16 January 2011 16:42

sucks to be you(:

mintcar 9

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Sunday 16 January 2011 16:50

So? Oh no...you haven't touched a girls ass in over a year. I just don't understand what the big deal is. Clearly a guy thing?

ilovepandaz 2

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Sunday 16 January 2011 17:59

Omg finally someobe who agrees

cfalen 0

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Sunday 16 January 2011 19:20

it's a jersey thing

docscientist 9

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Sunday 16 January 2011 20:09

it means he hasn't had any sort of intimacy in that long?

EatnBeef 7

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Sunday 16 January 2011 20:23

girls don't ever understand that guys have certain needs...ya we don't just say that or fun. we really do have "certain needs"

kristir9426 0

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Sunday 16 January 2011 20:32

I have certain needs too... it's not just a guy thing..

DncrHap 9

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Sunday 16 January 2011 23:07

craving intimacy is a completely normal thing. and it's most definitely not only a guy thing. since you don't seem to get it, either you've never been intimate or you have someone to be intimate with now. because it certainly becomes something you miss after a while.

mintcar 9

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Monday 17 January 2011 0:29

Being intimate is quite different from being excited because a girl brushed her ass against your shoulder. Intimacy is very personal. Nowhere does the OP even states that he/she misses the idea of being intimate with someone.

boopityboppity 11

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Monday 17 January 2011 3:46

"Certain needs"? People need water. We need oxygen. We need sleep. There is not a single guy on the planet who "needs" to touch a girl's ass.

th3disturbed 0

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Monday 17 January 2011 5:29

uhh 62 OP clearly is missing intimacy. saying that he hasn't touched an ass in a year pretty much refers to not being in a relationship for a year and he misses that.

DncrHap 9

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Monday 17 January 2011 6:31

and 62, where exactly does it say "a girl's ass touched my shoulder AND I GOT SUPER DUPER EXCITED! YAY 4 BUTTZZZ!"? to me, this FML is about missing the touch of a woman. that is a form of intimacy. being sexual with someone, even if it's considered "just fucking" is still intimacy of a sort. he obviously misses sex and that's a perfectly okay thing to be all fml about. the touch of another person can be really powerful, whether one gets around or saves it for special people. there's a reason we do it, and it's not just pure instinct.