By CarrieBerrie - 14/8/2020 17:01

Fire in the hole!

Today, after being woken up with the intense urge to go to the bathroom, and having gone to the bathroom three times in the last hour, I finally realized I took two laxatives instead of two Midol. My ass is on fire. FML

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Serious times

Commando

Dangling modifier

By leah - 7/1/2021 14:01 - United States - San Jose

Cruisin' for a bruisin'

Today, I was beaten up by a complete stranger for “giving her a dirty look.” I can’t see my own face. FML

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By Anonymous - Pakistan - Lahore

Today, I finished a 700-page book for my law exam. It was the wrong book. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2020 17:01

Getting on

Today, I’m at the stage of my life where a normal bowel movement is practically a cause for celebration. FML

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By Anonymous - Italy

Today, I was walking to class with my roommate. She didn't notice the car coming up behind her because her headphones were in. As I pulled her out of the way, she thought I was goofing around and shoved me back... in front of the car. I got hit and rolled off the hood. FML

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By Pups4Cups

Today, I finally realized why my 9-week-old puppy was going to the bathroom so much. I went to pick up the food bag and realized she had chewed a hole in the bottom, and eaten half of the bag in the last 4 days. Goodbye 30 pounds of dog food, and 100$ for a vet visit. FML

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By

Volcanic eruption

Today, while getting a lump in my private region examined by a very cute nurse, I got a massive erection. The smartest thing I could think to say at the time to her was: "I haven't been touched there in a very long time." FML

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By IRum - Russian Federation

Today, my three year old sister asked me to go to the amusement park with her. Since I was late for work, I politely refused and said we'd go tomorrow. She punched me in the nuts so hard that I could barely walk. FML

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By Saduglydad - United States - Houston

Today, my daughter wore my favorite Christmas sweater to an ugly sweater party. FML

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By pathetic_girl - Canada

Today, I accidentally admitted to two girls in my first year university astronomy class that I have a strict 10pm bedtime. FML

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By prostitutes boyfriend - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my girlfriend doesn't go to work, she's actually been seeing another guy purely for sex, and each time he gives her money to "support her unemployment." Pretty sure that means I'm dating a prostitute. FML

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By really? - United States

Today, I got a notice from the housing association, if I don't water my lawn I will be charged a $150 fine. Yet if I do water my lawn the city with charge me a $150 fine because of the drought. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it is both my birthday and Easter. My whole family came into town and my mom made a big dinner with all of my favorite foods. After church, I took a nap. When I woke up, all the food, including my cake, was gone. No one thought to wake me up. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2020 19:01 - United Kingdom

Left hanging

Today, I was at work, and I had to tell my manager I was calling someone to bring me a bra as mine had broken mid-shift. I was the only woman on shift. It took them 30 minutes to show up and I still had to serve front of house while I waited. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I caught my 29-year-old brother-in-law scratching his poison ivy with a handful of forks before putting them back in the drawer. I called him on it and he huffed, "You've never said anything before." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2021 23:01

Thanks, great feedback everyone!

Today, after years of not meeting my partner's family, along with the new arrival of our daughter, we decided to travel to meet them all and introduce our bundle of joy. Instead of the usual welcoming committee, all they could go on about was whether or not my daughter was his because of how fair toned she is. FML

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By Levi2411

Today, I jokingly told my mother to "go fall down a hole" during a mock argument we always have. Not even 10 minutes later, our basement stairs gave out. When I said that, I didn't want her to break both her arms or to actually fall into a gaping hole. FML

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By SCdriver - United States - Lexington

Today, I called the cops to let them know that a drunk man was driving dangerously down my road. About an hour later, I was going to the store and got pulled over for speeding by the cop I called. FML

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By Coffee

Today, I went to Starbucks to get my free birthday coffee and due to a mistake I received two. Thinking it was my lucky day, I hurried off to work. As I was walking in, I tripped and spilt one coffee all over my new dress. Then I walked into a door and spilt the other. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I went to work in my best outfit for the big corporate party we were having later in the day. When I arrived, my boss said, "You missed one hell of a party yesterday!" Shit. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 23:01

Feeders

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years dumped me, after he intentionally made me fat so that I wouldn't leave him. FML

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By gtfoocd - United States

Today, my extremely OCD girlfriend wouldn't have sex with me because my bedroom wasn't "properly symmetrical." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was walking out of my girlfriend's house with her when I saw her thong drying on the rack. I picked it up, sniffed it and put it on my face as a joke. She replied with, "Those are my mother's." FML

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By FavreFan99 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me it was her fantasy to orgasm at midnight on New Years. We got started at 11:53. I didn't last until midnight. FML

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By RIPJarJar

Today, my husband gave our three-year-old son a lesson on life and death. He did this by slaughtering our pet chicken for dinner in front of him. My son has been crying for hours. FML

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By FootFlakes - United States - Boston

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend once again that the dry skin she picks off her feet belong in the trash, not on our coffee table. FML

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By shanxi - United States

Today, I was discharged from the hospital after having scrotal surgery. When I got home, the anesthetic had worn off, but I felt okay. Then my dog jumped up at me, paws slamming straight into my nuts. FML

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By Grounded - United States

Today, my parents told me that they've been having a contest to see who could punish me the most this week. So far, my mom is in the lead by kicking me out of the car near railroad tracks, and making me walk the 4 miles home in the freezing rain. FML

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By mayhemily - Canada - Aurora

Today, I passed out in my kitchen and was woken up by my dog. Not because she was worried about me, but because my body was blocking her food dish. FML

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By bennyp77 - United States

Today, I was at a tennis match and it was really hot. I took off my shirt to cool down. A member of the staff then tapped me on the shoulder and told me that my "bare breasts might offend someone." I'm a man. FML

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By BahHumbug - United States - Painesville

Today, after weeks of keeping it a secret, I excitedly gave my boyfriend what I thought to be the perfect Christmas present. Turns out lock picking sets are illegal in Ohio. FML

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By mykhael - United States - Opelousas

Today, my girlfriend and I started fighting. Instead of arguing for herself, she decided to set her puppy on me. Only "Puppy" is the name of her fully-grown police-trained German Shepherd. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wrote "I love you" on my girlfriend's Facebook wall. She completely freaked out and accused me of being "too clingy" and that I'm starting to feel more like a stalker than a boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was so sleep-deprived, I thought a white car driving toward me was a polar bear. I screamed like a little girl and started panicking. I live in California. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had my first concert and was really anxious about screwing up my performance. Good news: I played fine. Bad news: as I walked off the stage, I tripped over my own feet, face-planted the floor, and busted my nose open. FML

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By kylinsmama - United States

Mixed signals

Today, I got in trouble with my doctor for eating too soon after surgery. Why was I eating? Because the nurses brought me food, which apparently I should've known not to eat. FML

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By Fatty Fatty Fatso - United States - Somers

Today, I learned that my mother counts my jeans as two pairs when she counts how many she's putting in for a load of wash. I've gotten that fat. FML

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By drugsforthugs - United States - Sierra Madre

Today, in the middle of a boring class, my friend offered me some Smarties. We're not allowed to eat in class, but I had a couple anyway. As I put them in my mouth, my "friend" stood up and yelled that I was doing ecstasy. I might actually get expelled. FML

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By Nikki - Canada

Today, this guy and I went on a date to the movies. We got up to the desk and I asked for one ticket for 'Jennifer's Body.' The guy moved his way in front of me and said, "make that two tickets." He then walked away to look at movie posters and left me with the $22.50 charge. FML

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By yessssir - United States

Today, I returned home from a 2-day trip. Before I left, I told my brother to move my car across the street when the street cleaner passes by. Turns out, he used all my gas and got so wasted he forgot to move my car. I got a big ticket that he said he'd pay for. He's unemployed and lives off me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2021 17:01 - Australia

Traditions suck

Today, my fiance told me that his father would need to check my hymen is intact to ensure I'm pure before we get married. This is a new one. FML

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Top comments

By Marcella1016 | 31

#7931041 - Friday 14 August 2020 20:42

FML Illustrated:

🏃🏻‍♂️🍑🔥😵

By John Nemeth | 14

#7931022 - Friday 14 August 2020 19:44

Bladder “WE GOTTA DROP THE LOAD!!!”

COMMENTS

By John Nemeth | 14

#7931022 - Friday 14 August 2020 19:44

Bladder “WE GOTTA DROP THE LOAD!!!”

Reply

Nic1330 | 4

#7931046 - Friday 14 August 2020 21:13

😂😂😂 this comment made me laugh so hard. you win

Reply

kfchicken_fml | 31

#7931119 - Saturday 15 August 2020 7:02

yes poop is stored in the bladder just like pee is stored in the balls

By Marcella1016 | 31

#7931041 - Friday 14 August 2020 20:42

FML Illustrated:

🏃🏻‍♂️🍑🔥😵

By jfigley | 5

#7931479 - Sunday 16 August 2020 16:01

Thats hilarious 🤣