Transportation: Today, there were no more seats on the bus I was taking home,... - FML

By nevergoingonabusagain - Canada

Today, there were no more seats on the bus I was taking home, which meant I had to stand. I noticed that a creepy guy sitting in front of me had a boner, so I took a few steps back. Suddenly the bus went through something like a speed bump, which caused me to fall and sit on the man's lap. FML

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Triage

Fake News

Not gonna happen

By bfall74 - Canada

Today, I was stood up by a blind date. After calling and texting her about being a horrible person, she called me from the hospital. She was in a car accident. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home to my family remodeling our (extremely) out of date bathroom. I was SUPER excited to help them get it done. I walked down the hallway and opened my bedroom door to find a huge, gaping hole in my wall and my room covered in dust. I had to sweep every surface in my room. FML

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By helpme

Today, my gay best friend slept over, as he has many times during the past three years of our friendship. This time, however, he confessed to me that he's only pretended to be gay to get closer to me because he's in love with me. I've allowed my stalker to sleep in my house and in my bed for three years. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was in a public restroom when someone took the toilet next to mine. Moments later, a used tampon rolls into my cubicle followed by an "Oops!" A creeping hand then promptly reached under to retrieve it. Both her hand and the tampon touched my bare toes. FML

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By mishyb - United States - Englewood

Today, my horse farted and scared itself, then ran all the way up the hill and wouldn't stop until I fell off. FML

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By -____- - United States - Seattle

Today, my husband yelled from upstairs, "Babe! BABE, COME QUICK!" Terrified that something might have happened to our newborn daughter, I rushed up, only to find out he just wanted to show me that he'd learned how to spin a top on the tip of his penis without it falling. FML

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By cocacoola - Iceland

Today, the couple downstairs decided they wanted to try a home birth. FML

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By - France

Today, I just realised that the coworker I refused to leave my wife for is now happily married with someone else, while I'm now divorced. FML

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By counterproductive - 21/9/2020 11:01 - United States

Intense

Today, after I'd finally decided to see a doctor about my anxiety and insomnia, I was so nervous about what the doctor would think of me that I had anxiety attacks that kept me from sleeping a wink all night. I ended up oversleeping and missing the appointment I was so nervous about. FML

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By evecamp - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 11 months told me that she's been faking her orgasms the whole time. Just to make me "proud" of myself. FML

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By jojobobo

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. I started to tear up and told her I had something stuck in my eye. I was secretly thrilled as I had been trying to end it for weeks. Seeing me cry, she immediately took it back. I really just had something stuck in my eye. FML

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By foreverafatty - United States

Today, I learned that I can work out for over an hour a day, cut my daily calories by almost half, keep careful track of my diet, drink nothing but water, and not lose a pound. But I can sure as hell gain weight after one dinner at a buffet. FML

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By Lenny_R

Today, I got pulled over for having an expired registration. I also found out my husband hasn't been paying for my car insurance. Luckily, I didn't get arrested because I had my baby with me. They towed my car and gave me 2 tickets and a court date. Oh, and the cop sent me a friend request. FML

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By fouryearswasted - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend of four years is legally married to a man in prison. He gets out next week. FML

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By Ticklish - United States - Marion

Today, I realized that my boyfriend is so obsessed with tickling me that my body has developed a conditioned response. Now I flinch every time he touches me, no matter what we're doing. FML

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By Clumsyblonde22 - United States

Today, my aunt gave my cat aspirin because when she touched his nose he had a 'fever'. I came home to a dead cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the boy I like came to my house with a dozen roses to ask me to homecoming. My uncle chased him down the street with a pitchfork. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2021 20:58 - Philippines

Life imitates art

Today, my hypochondria is getting worse. I think it's because of watching too much Grey's Anatomy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Jacinto

Today, while at a party playing Truth or Dare, I found out my best friend fantasizes about having sex with my 51 year old mother. The rest of the guys at the party then nodded in agreement and thus spawned a group conversation about how "screwable" my mom is. FML

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By sleepy - United States

Today, I had a Biochemistry quiz. I studied all night but took a nap to get some rest because my quiz was in the morning. I woke up at 10 feeling very confident. My quiz was at 9. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally having some intimate alone time together. When we really started getting into it, he suddenly prematurely jizzed in my eye. I now need surgery and have to explain to my family how I almost lost my eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2020 14:02 - Singapore - Singapore

No Gods, No Masters

Today, it's been 3 weeks of being sick with gastritis and constantly feeling pain and weak. I've been pushing myself to work, and despite doing 150+ files, my boss said it’s not good enough for the company and hinted I might be let go. I got my job during the pandemic and might be losing it after 3 months. FML

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By OldBitch - 16/8/2020 02:01

Growing old gracefully

Today, I realized my breasts look like sweat socks and my ass is sagging so much, it slaps the back of my legs. My neck has grown three chins, and I have put on 40 lbs. Yes, the golden years are here at last, and they can certainly kiss my ass. Happy 50th to me. FML

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By satisfied88

Today, I had an orgasm for the first time in almost 3 months. My husband was beaming, saying he had given it his all and was ecstatic that he had finally satisfied me. But to be honest, I'd remembered we had a bag of potato chips in the kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that if you're going to tell your mother you are gay, make sure she isn't holding a frying pan filled with hot grease. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going to the bathroom at my boyfriend's house. I had awful diarrhea and was almost done, when I noticed a spider on the ground. Being terrified, I took a giant ball of toilet paper to kill it. I realized then that I had no toilet paper left to use. FML

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By Brittany - United States

Today, my boyfriend's friends were throwing him a surprise birthday party. I thought it'd be funny to get him some fuzzy handcuffs and a box of condoms as a gift. They never told me they invited his parents. FML

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By potatoes - United States

Today, my dad got me to dance with him. After about a minute of waltzing to a song on the radio, he stepped away and said, "You smell bad. You need to take a shower." FML

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By jasminejzhu - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after an exhausting weekend of work, I decided to take a nap. I was awoken several hours later by my mother-in-law knocking on my door. Apparently my 11-year-old called up grandma to complain that she was hungry and that mum was sleeping instead of cooking dinner. FML

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By cheaterscheat - United States - Saint James

Today, I went to the hospital due to extreme sickness. My boyfriend saw this as an opportune time to take another girl out since I was "otherwise preoccupied." FML

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By Joseph - United States - El Paso

Today, my nephew gave me a piece of gum. He's not one to share, so I was rather shocked at his kindness. After a while chewing, he admitted he gave it to me because the pack was in his pocket when he peed his pants. FML

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By JazzSpazz - United States

Today, I had a horrible breakup with my girlfriend of two years. Depressed, I changed my Facebook status to, "Hate me today, hate me tomorrow, hate me for all the things I didn't do for you." My ex commented, "Give me an orgasm?" Five of my friends, including my mom, liked this. FML

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By luvizwar - Australia

Today, it is my boyfriend's and my one year anniversary. I bought him a Playstation 2. As soon as I gave it to him, he went straight to set it up without giving me anything. I said "What about me?" He walked over to me, gave me a kiss and said "I love it when you buy me things for no reason." FML

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By Anonymous

Broken vibrator

Today, I received my package. I ordered a vibrator, I was so excited to use it, but when I was finally ready to use it, I found out that it broke during the delivery. FML

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By Rick - United States - Spartanburg

Today, I didn't even bother to turn my cellphone off in a movie theater because I knew no one would text me or call. FML

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By NoTalkAllGame - United States - Horsham

Today, it's been five days since my roommate last talked to me. Although she's not communicating with me verbally, she's excelling at non-verbal communication: slamming doors and drawers, and watching loud videos, all while I desperately try to study. FML

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By thatwasembarrassing

Today, at a dinner I'd been planning for months with my fiancé to talk to our families about the wedding for the first time, he told me he didn't want to get married. I cried in front of both of our families and a dozen of strangers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 400 pound roommate brought home a 400 pound guy. Now there's 800 pounds of sex going on in the next room, and it sounds like the invasion of Normandy in there. FML

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By Anonymous - Mongolia

Today, I spoke to my dad for the first time in over a year. I've been volunteering in Mongolia, I have no running water, freeze my ass off everyday and communication with anyone who speaks English is scarce. One of the first things my father said to me was, "out of sight, out of mind." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was let go from work because they need "younger people". I'm 19 and I work at a flower market. FML

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Top comments

By ilikeboys | 0

#244841 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:08

if you took a few steps back wouldn't it have been kinda hard to fall in his lap since he's a couple seats in front of you?

By microfilms | 0

#244847 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:09

how did you manage to turn yourself around to sit on his lap if you were facing him. it would have made more sense if you fell onto him face forward.

COMMENTS

By Kyothine | 0

#244835 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:06

Ohohoho. that sucks.

Reply

doritoninja | 4

#1306492 - Friday 27 August 2010 4:46

YDI for liking older men

Reply

ThatFunnyDude | 3

#2870296 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:08

kyothine=Santa claus?

Reply

ajh557 | 22

#5578148 - Saturday 13 July 2013 8:35

Ya for him, se probably broke his dick

By unkinged44 | 0

#244839 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:07

you really cant stay on the bus after that

By ilikeboys | 0

#244841 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:08

if you took a few steps back wouldn't it have been kinda hard to fall in his lap since he's a couple seats in front of you?

Reply

Kurg | 0

#1446054 - Thursday 23 September 2010 6:51

oh.. didn't see this comments till afterwards.
my point exactly!

Reply

spacemonkey915 | 0

#2006247 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 12:00

ahaha so true

Reply

tacticalnutmeg | 0

#2879364 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 3:58

How did you notice he had a boner? Where were you looking?

Reply

saralovesbella | 1

#5915826 - Wednesday 16 April 2014 2:11

I don't think you understand how physics works.

By joker3069 | 0

#244844 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:09

thats funny that guy got lucky lol

By microfilms | 0

#244847 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:09

how did you manage to turn yourself around to sit on his lap if you were facing him. it would have made more sense if you fell onto him face forward.

By audereyy | 0

#244853 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:11

agree with #3 and #5... hows that possible?

By fmlalicious4 | 0

#244855 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:11

Role reversal much? xD

By Purane2forever | 0

#244856 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:11

Stop posting fake stuff.

By jj732 | 0

#244865 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:13

http://fwhyme.com/
http://www.mydrunktxts.com/

FUCK RIP OFF SITES!

By angel03260 | 0

#244866 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:13

lmao