Transportation: Today, there were no more seats on the bus I was taking home,... - FML

By nevergoingonabusagain - Canada

Today, there were no more seats on the bus I was taking home, which meant I had to stand. I noticed that a creepy guy sitting in front of me had a boner, so I took a few steps back. Suddenly the bus went through something like a speed bump, which caused me to fall and sit on the man's lap. FML

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Out of it

Triage

Kitchen nightmares

By fml9124 - 28/7/2020 20:00

Get me away from here, I'm dying

Today, my wife filed for divorce. Last month, she was diagnosed with stage 4, terminal, inoperable cancer. We got a second (confirmed) opinion. She has maybe six months left. She told me she doesn't want to spend her last remaining days on this earth with me. Our 33rd anniversary was in May. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - East Brunswick

Today, while working the Sunday rush at the deli, I held up a piece of ham to a blind customer and asked him if it was thick enough. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I start work in an office, with my mother. FML

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By OnPlanetVenus - United States - Hallam

Today, I discovered that when my husband agreed to donate sperm so an infertile friend and his wife could have children, there was nothing "artificial" about the insemination. FML

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By singleagain - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me to marry him, saying that the only thing he would change about me is my last name. I later told him that I wanted to keep my last name after the marriage. I'm now single again. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I received a notification that someone opened a fraudulent credit card in my name. I'm not sure what's worse: that they were approved at all with my terrible credit, or that I was denied for this exact card when I applied out of desperation last month to pay for my service dog's surgery. FML

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By Biological - United States

Today, I found out that I was not adopted and in fact my parents are my biological parents. How did I find out? Over dinner. How long have I been believing I was adopted? 22 years. Why did I start believing I was adopted? My siblings thought it would be a funny joke. My mom played along. FML

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By jshi8 - United States

Today, I was taking a dump behind a dumpster. I suddenly heard a noise and a vibration against the dumpster. It was a garbage truck lifting it to collect the trash. The garbage men started laughing and took out their phones. FML

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By WorkWeirdo - Peru - Lima

Today, my boss finally checked the presentation I have been working on for three weeks. She called me into her office, and told me everything was dreadful, and requested me to start from scratch. It's due in half an hour. FML

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By bargainshopper - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, while at a pool party, I found out the reason I got my new, white bikini at such a bargain price; it goes completely transparent when wet. I only realized this after everyone was staring at me and whistling. FML

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By Divorcemenow - United States

Today, I awoke to my husband donning a gorilla mask in the middle of the night. My kids have been staying in a tent out back for the past few nights, and have complained of a "monster" scaring them. I told them that it was their imagination. My husband says he gets a kick out of it. FML

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By sallymay - United States - Rockland

Today, I found out that my amazing sugar and oil olive body scrub will cause the next person to get in the shower to slip and break an arm. We have no insurance. FML

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By whatwasithinking - 14/10/2020 17:01

He's let himself go

Today, I took my kids to our local swimming pool. When we arrived, there were several cop cars parked outside and a group of officers interrogating a creepy, haggard-looking old man who was in handcuffs on the bench. As we got closer, I realized the man was my ex-husband. FML

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By Guess - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend of nine months that depression runs in my family and I think the reason I've been flipping shit so much lately may be that I am depressed. Not five minutes later he decided a break would be "the best thing for us right now." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wheatland

Today, I tried talking to my wife about our sexless marriage. Her only response was to toss me a sock and say "Knock yourself out, fuckstick." FML

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By captain patch beard

RIP Beard

Today, I met a girl at a bar, we had a few drinks and really hit it off. We headed back to my place to get a little action. As she was riding me, she got rougher and rougher until she reached down and yanked a patch of hair right out of my beard. I yelped in pain and didn’t even finish. FML

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By mental - United States

Today, after therapy for obsessing over every woman who talks to me, all I could think about was how I could seduce my therapist. I think I still need a lot of help. FML

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By ALO - United States - Bossier City

Married life

Today, I found out my husband of 7 years has been cheating on me with "10-15" people. FML

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By merrr - Canada

Today, I dropped my phone in the wet snow. I read that putting it in rice helps to get the water out. Three pieces of rice are now frozen into the power port, and I can't get the charger in. FML

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By ilovechickens - United States

Today, I tried to be kind to animals and get my dad to buy cage-free eggs. When I told him it was dollar more, he started yelling and making a scene in the middle of the store, saying that chickens are ugly and they deserve to suffer. FML

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By kasai_x0x - Canada

Today, I found out what cat food tastes like mixed with mayo, hot sauce, and between two perfectly toasted pieces of rye bread. My cat found out what tuna tastes like instead of her normal food. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got an email from my professor with my grade for a paper. It said, "Solid writing, but you should have proofread your final draft more carefully." In a moment of annoyance, I typed in the reply box, "God should have proofread your FACE more carefully." My elbow hit the send button. FML

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By cek4uytp - United States

Today, my boyfriend caught me in a lie about being on my period. He memorized my menstrual cycle, but still forgot that today is my birthday. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to give me my Christmas present early because he's going to his grandparents' house for Christmas and won't see me. I was excited, until I unwrapped a sweater that I left there a month ago. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was fired from my job for sexual harassment. I was shopping after work, and I had to get my female manager to give me a package of extra-large condoms from the lockbox. I could not convince her that I was not flirting, and she took it to HR. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I was so proud of a clever analogy I'd written to a friend in a text, that I “dropped the mic” afterward. I realized what I'd done a split second before the phone hit the ground and shattered into a million pieces. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Orange Park

Today, it's the 11th day I've been in the hospital due to my kidneys. My mother has come in every day since to make me feel bad about missing Thanksgiving. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got a promotion because my boss “accidentally” had sex with my wife. FML

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By Iwtumn - Austria

Today, I came home from a crazy costume party and took a hot shower. When I opened my eyes and saw the water running from my head was bloody, I freaked out and called my friend for help. She had to remind me that for the party, I'd coloured my hair red with washable hair dye. FML

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By Sean - United States

Today, my parents were having a Christmas party. They went out to get the vodka in our garage fridge, only to find most of it was frozen. Knowing vodka doesn't freeze, they soon realized that I had been taking some and refilling it with water over the past two months. FML

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By claustrophobic - United States - Baltimore

Today, I have been in my "office" for 6 weeks. It is literally a closet. I was reminded of this fact when a janitor walked in without knocking, carrying empty boxes he intended to store. FML

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By _philliesfan - United States

Today, I was prioritizing my extreme amount of homework. I read over the front page of my psychology paper seeing that it was pretty easy questions, I decided to do it last. Little did I know there was a 8 page essay on the back of the page. It's 12:19 am. FML

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By Jacoobic

Today, I bought an expensive, heat-resistant double-sided tape to attach my dashcam to the windshield. It didn't last five hours, but has stuck nicely to the floor mat. FML

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By jcdc - United States - Georgetown

Today, I spilled boiling water on my legs. A coworker told me that putting mustard on the burn would heal it. I ended up at the emergency room. When people walked by I could hear them say "it smells like hot dogs". FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2020 16:56

Family matters

Today, I was told by step-dad, who I live with, that my mom "hates my guts" while smiling so big, because he got a call from her. He's so desperate for her to come back that all the lying, cheating, manipulation, and emotional abuse doesn't push him away. She's a tornado. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my boss threw me out of her office during a conference call for daring to correct her. The client fired the company because she subsequently got all the information on the call wrong, and plainly had no idea what was going on. From all the screaming, this is now all my fault. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sherwood

Today, I had to sit in a three-seat truck between my dad and his best friend on a 4-hour trip to Detroit. It was great, besides their incessant crude jokes and stories, including chafing ball sacks, and naming their new radio station, "Chicks With Dicks Radio." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wanted to show my teenage daughter what we did when I was her age. We used to breakdance, so I stuck on a Grandmaster Flash track, and tried some old moves on the living room floor. I spun out of control, smacked my head into a wall and pulled a back muscle. FML

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By Eduardo - 18/4/2021 20:00

Hard no

Today, my 30-year old cousin, who is unemployed, parasitic and never completed high-school, whose girlfriend is a crack addict, wants to move into my place. He was evicted from an apartment building two weeks ago for assaulting some neighbors. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westerville

Timing

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a blowjob. All of a sudden, she stopped and said, "What's that thing at the back of your throat called?" FML

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Top comments

By ilikeboys | 0

#244841 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:08

if you took a few steps back wouldn't it have been kinda hard to fall in his lap since he's a couple seats in front of you?

By microfilms | 0

#244847 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:09

how did you manage to turn yourself around to sit on his lap if you were facing him. it would have made more sense if you fell onto him face forward.

COMMENTS

By Kyothine | 0

#244835 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:06

Ohohoho. that sucks.

Reply

doritoninja | 4

#1306492 - Friday 27 August 2010 4:46

YDI for liking older men

Reply

ThatFunnyDude | 3

#2870296 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:08

kyothine=Santa claus?

Reply

ajh557 | 22

#5578148 - Saturday 13 July 2013 8:35

Ya for him, se probably broke his dick

By unkinged44 | 0

#244839 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:07

you really cant stay on the bus after that

By ilikeboys | 0

#244841 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:08

if you took a few steps back wouldn't it have been kinda hard to fall in his lap since he's a couple seats in front of you?

Reply

Kurg | 0

#1446054 - Thursday 23 September 2010 6:51

oh.. didn't see this comments till afterwards.
my point exactly!

Reply

spacemonkey915 | 0

#2006247 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 12:00

ahaha so true

Reply

tacticalnutmeg | 0

#2879364 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 3:58

How did you notice he had a boner? Where were you looking?

Reply

saralovesbella | 1

#5915826 - Wednesday 16 April 2014 2:11

I don't think you understand how physics works.

By joker3069 | 0

#244844 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:09

thats funny that guy got lucky lol

By microfilms | 0

#244847 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:09

how did you manage to turn yourself around to sit on his lap if you were facing him. it would have made more sense if you fell onto him face forward.

By audereyy | 0

#244853 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:11

agree with #3 and #5... hows that possible?

By fmlalicious4 | 0

#244855 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:11

Role reversal much? xD

By Purane2forever | 0

#244856 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:11

Stop posting fake stuff.

By jj732 | 0

#244865 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:13

http://fwhyme.com/
http://www.mydrunktxts.com/

FUCK RIP OFF SITES!

By angel03260 | 0

#244866 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:13

lmao