Love: Today, I was out skating with a guy I really like. I put on my...

By Anonymous - 02/03/2011 21:26 - United States

Today, I was out skating with a guy I really like. I put on my best moves, to impress him. I ended up slicing his lip open with my skate mid-jump. His lip is now wired shut by twelve stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 872

You deserved it 36 323

Love

You, you, you…

Hopefully…

Great start to the day

By gregoyles - 15/02/2009 09:06 - United States

Today, I saw my male boss holding a purse. Just to be a smart ass, I made fun of him as if the purse was his. It was his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 081

You deserved it 44 063

By JSterl - 02/01/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, our airplane was delayed because of issues with the de-ice-ing. Then, because it had too little fuel. Then, because of engine troubles. Then, because our first officer needed to be replaced due to legal restrictions on pilots' hours. Now, I get to go straight from the plane to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 782

You deserved it 2 332

By Josie - 05/06/2012 04:27 - United States - Florence

Today, I was walking home with my boyfriend. There's a short cut to my house by jumping a fence but he insisted that we take the long way because, "Girls don't jump fences." To prove him wrong, I jumped the fence. I fell and broke my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 190

You deserved it 35 946

By Anonymous - 01/01/2012 07:34 - United States

Today, I was going over to my friend's house for the first time. A creepy-looking old man answered, and smiled at me. I asked "Is this the right house? Does Isaac live here?" He replied "Yes, he's in the basement. Would you like a drink?" Right then, Isaac called and asked me where I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 092

You deserved it 3 845

By Anonymous - 26/08/2014 21:46 - Bosnia and Herzegovina - Tuzla

Today, I wore a sexy nurse's outfit for a little roleplay with my boyfriend. After the main event, he said the sex was actually pretty bad and that he should file a medical malpractice lawsuit. Then he laughed at his own joke, got dressed, and went out for drinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 624

You deserved it 6 633

By Anonymous - 17/06/2013 17:52 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, my grandparents went around bragging to people that I'm taking my STD test. They meant to say SAT. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 207

You deserved it 3 303

By puzzled - 24/02/2010 12:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I was brushing my teeth when I felt a lump of something in the corner of my mouth. Naturally assuming it would be a bit of food that my toothbrush had dislodged, I spat it out into the sink. It was a woodlouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 631

You deserved it 3 210

By noname1025 - 04/09/2012 16:44 - United States - Lamar

Today, I realized my husband and I have been fighting a lot lately, so to show him how much I care, I got a tattoo with his name on it. He hates it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 591

You deserved it 54 010

By Powerless - 30/08/2012 06:05 - Australia

Today, I had a planned 12-hour power cut for maintenance work, which I'd forgot all about. In need of a shower before work, I spent 45 minutes boiling pots of water on the stove to take a lukewarm, 6-inch deep bath, before realizing my water heater runs on natural gas and was working fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 020

You deserved it 29 643

By Anonymous - 15/12/2012 12:33 - Australia - Fairfield

Today, after my girlfriend has recently become obsessed with the serial-killer show, Dexter, she has grown an interest in cutting up pomegranates in many different ways and squirting the red, blood-like juice everywhere. I am now afraid to argue with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 409

You deserved it 3 421

Oh no…

By Augh. - 09/10/2009 02:30 - United States

Today, I discovered that the school I transferred from last year is closing. All the people that I so happily escaped from and left behind at that school will now be flocking to my new school senior year. Faaaantastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 252

You deserved it 3 624

Realization

By Eyal - 20/08/2021 17:01 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, after always thinking I wasn't ugly just fat, I've lost 30kg and it now turns out I was wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 865

You deserved it 99

By vanguardwiley - 24/07/2009 06:40 - United States

Today, I woke up from the worst nightmare I've ever had. After tearfully explaining to my boyfriend, in detail, how bad this dream was, he told me to "put on my big girl panties" and make him breakfast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 592

You deserved it 13 717

By mitochondriaisthepowerhouseofthecell - 27/12/2018 02:00

Today, I had my final piano performance. There is a guy in my class who constantly tells me I suck at piano, so I was looking forward to watching him play badly since he never practices. Instead, he played the most beautiful music that would make Mozart weep. He got a standing ovation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 559

You deserved it 703

By CrappyLuck - 04/08/2011 02:43 - United States

Today, I took my 8 month-old to the Urgent Care due to extreme constipation. I spent $25 for my son to poop on me the second the doctor had me remove his diaper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 767

You deserved it 4 238

By Anonymous - 24/09/2014 13:58 - United States

Today, I went to use the porta potty at the construction site I work at and found two homeless people having sex in it. I almost got fired, because my advisor blamed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 317

You deserved it 4 090

By anonymous - 03/02/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, I spent nearly an hour thawing out my car and driving to work in this stupid freezing rain, only to find out that I'm now unemployed due to budget cuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 908

You deserved it 2 312

By owned - 24/01/2010 23:58 - United States

Today, while babysitting, the little boy explained to me why I was single, reasons such as 'unattractive' and 'not the girlfriend type'. I cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 382

You deserved it 4 411

By AirOne - 12/11/2008 14:39 - United States

Today, right after sex, my girlfriend apologized to the neighbor for the screaming. He thanked her for the entertainment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 568

You deserved it 10 773

#1 Mom

By Eden - 14/07/2011 20:21 - United States

Today, my tonsils swelled to roughly the size of golf balls. My mom refuses to take me to the hospital because she's convinced I got it from kissing someone, and until I "fess up", she's not budging. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 890

You deserved it 3 142

By fml9124 - 31/08/2019 22:00

Today, it's our 32nd wedding anniversary. Two weeks ago I caught a cold on an airplane. Since I got back, she hasn't kissed or let me touch her. I'm still coughing. She says maybe it's not a cold, maybe it's TB. She's left to stay in a hotel until I get better or die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 703

You deserved it 155

Sneaky dad

By say no to dick - 18/04/2014 22:56 - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I found out that my father faked his whole "mid-life crisis", just so he could gain my trust and get me to admit that I smoke weed, and to tell him who I buy it from. Hello year-long grounding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 699

You deserved it 43 505

Back and forth and back again

By Anonymous - 07/01/2015 19:37 - Guam - Barrigada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me over a stupid argument, but after a long day we made up and got back together. Not long afterwards, my friend called, feeling guilty and confessing that he had sex with her after finding out she'd dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 047

You deserved it 3 830

By GOLLUM! - 18/05/2017 00:00

Today, after being without my car keys for two days, I finally got a locksmith to unlock my car on the off chance I'd left my keys in there. $170 later, the car was open, but I didn't find my keys. Frustrated, I threw the paperwork in the garbage... where I spotted my keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 627

You deserved it 1 953

By SonofMnemosyne - 19/11/2018 07:30 - United States

Today, I have been on the toilet all day due to chocolate laxatives from trick-or-treating. Today, it is my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 487

You deserved it 291

Silver linings

By 10 years, 0 dates - 28/11/2020 11:03

Today, I wanted to ask out this cute girl I used to work with. Before I could, she said she likes my only friend there, and asked if could I set them up. Trying to be nice guy and good friend, I did. Then she made her complete lack of interest in me obvious. But hey, at least the gay guy she hung out with thought I was cute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 741

You deserved it 114

By ihncredible - 10/12/2012 23:32 - United States - Macomb

Today, I stepped on the scale and realized that I weigh more than the amount of money that I have in my bank account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 119

You deserved it 8 054

By teepee - 13/11/2009 15:53 - United Kingdom

Today, I fell asleep in a lecture. I laughed at something amusing in Dreamworld, but the laugh came out as a prolonged creepy groan in Lectureworld. I woke up to see everyone within a 5 meter radius staring at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 064

You deserved it 13 967

By so much for romance - 11/01/2015 03:21 - United States - Queensbury

Today, I got a yeast infection, caused by the antibiotics for my UTI. I got the UTI after having sex for the first time in a year. A couple of minutes of sex have ruined my health. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 624

You deserved it 4 725

By elisabeth_pwnes - 16/03/2012 10:38 - Norway

Today, my fiancé came home drunk with some girl. Then he told her that I was his sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 185

You deserved it 3 726

By mallyboo - 01/10/2016 14:38 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I discovered that you should always check the litter box before vacuuming stray litter outside of it after my cat burst out from the box mid-piss and skittered around the house still pissing after I put the vacuum hose behind the box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 528

You deserved it 3 506

By ughhhh - 10/11/2009 17:04 - United States

Today, my roommate's boyfriend told me he would be driving the several hours EVERY weekend to come see his girlfriend. As a couple, they are constantly all over each other, and can't seem to break out of the annoying baby talk voice. Plus, they like to kick me out of the room to do stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 324

You deserved it 5 746

By rattledwife666 - 21/01/2017 14:00

Today, when I asked my husband to join me in the shower to "save water", he said, "Let the environment suffer, not me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 417

You deserved it 953

By theuglyfriend - 17/07/2012 06:09 - United States - Riverbank

Today, I went to a coffee shop with my friend. The guy rang her up and said it was only a dollar as he winked at her $10 purchase. Then he rang me up at completely full price. She got his number and I got to be the ugly friend once again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 657

You deserved it 3 691

By fuckmyjob - 19/06/2014 20:10 - United States - Lake Charles

Today, at my first day working at Walmart, a customer asked if we have any egg cookers. I said I wasn't sure, but that I'd be "eggstatic" to go ask for him. The first clue I got to suggest he hated puns was him yelling "Don't get smart with me, boy!" and then threatening to kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 946

You deserved it 10 146

By thatoneguy - 05/09/2011 20:23 - United States

Today, a five year old that I am babysitting picked up a knife and said he would chop my nuts off if I didn't give him his ice cream before dinner. Only 5 more hours to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 385

You deserved it 3 457

By OhWait - 23/10/2015 00:18 - United States - Schenectady

Today, after six weeks of dealing with various exterminators, my roommate and I were about to toast to what we were told was a wasp-free room. That's when we noticed several much smaller wasps flying around. Not only is our wasp problem not solved, but our room is a wasp breeding ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 980

You deserved it 1 447

By hwscrewed - 10/11/2010 04:00 - United States

Today, I was writing my narrative essay for my English class. When I turned it in, I was really proud of what I thought I wrote. Evidently for some people listening to music while writing essays is a bad thing. My essay was filled with little bits of ZZ Top lyrics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 348

You deserved it 34 652

By Anonymous - 18/03/2010 05:18 - United States

Today, I finally realized that the only time my mother talks to me is when she needs money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 357

You deserved it 3 205

By suckstobeme - 24/03/2010 15:00 - United States

Today, I caught my dad spanking my mom with a spatula. The same spatula I use to cook my eggs every morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 198

You deserved it 4 650

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Top comments

mack1688 0

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Thursday 3 March 2011 1:12

as an EX figure skater. why the hell was his face that close to your blade.

memo619 0

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Thursday 3 March 2011 1:19

I'm pretty sure you impressed him he never saw it coming

TomasT 0

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Thursday 3 March 2011 1:10

QFT! A little boob action > anything else...

Bobissmall 13

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Thursday 3 March 2011 1:11

Even sammich making? I'm so confused :( in sexist school i was told that's the most important!!!

mack1688 0

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Thursday 3 March 2011 1:12

as an EX figure skater. why the hell was his face that close to your blade.

briidontgive_ 0

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Thursday 3 March 2011 4:15

Eexxacctly what I was thinkin

ConfusionsLoveMe 0

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Thursday 3 March 2011 6:29

haha, me too. Unless his face was planted on the ice or you have some epic moves where you can jump pretty high, it is a bit strange. unless he is a little person, then that may be an exception.

rique2008 10

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Thursday 3 March 2011 15:47

yeah i dont get how she couldve gotten that close with her blade in a jump, maybe a spin i would belive, because i know people that have been hit by spins and had to go to the ER, but if you can cut a persons face mid-jump then you really need to work on your air position. or better yet, just stay on the wall and let the guy try to impress you

SarahStarzz 0

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Thursday 3 March 2011 1:18

wow that's way u get 4 acting all kool next time just be urself ....(if there will be a next time)

tweetbaby14 18

Thursday 3 March 2011 3:25

most people on FML don't know what it is to be themselves.

ConfusionsLoveMe 0

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Thursday 3 March 2011 6:31

That's what keeps FML running :)

benefiits 0

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Thursday 3 March 2011 7:38

exactlu

gaarraa11 3

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Sunday 22 July 2012 8:18

Oh there will be a next time she just has to not wear so much :D

memo619 0

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Thursday 3 March 2011 1:19

I'm pretty sure you impressed him he never saw it coming

LaciNic0le 0

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Thursday 3 March 2011 19:24

ha :D

AnneFTW 17

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Thursday 3 March 2011 1:20

Smooth...

xGraycloud 4

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Thursday 3 March 2011 1:21

I imagine you feel terrible. I would... also, why the hell was the blade even close to his face? how does that happen...?

milkndstufff 7

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Thursday 3 March 2011 2:10

well she obviously is a really "good" skater

haha1494 0

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Thursday 3 March 2011 8:48

have u seen blades of glory???

zowieandzander77 1

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Thursday 3 March 2011 1:24

Lip lacerations are not "wired shut".

KingDingALing 9

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Thursday 3 March 2011 1:24

You owe him a kiss, OP... I'm not talking about a kiss on the lips. Now get down there!

DocBastard 38

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Thursday 3 March 2011 2:16

Every1luvsboners is right. Heeey! You aren't Boners! LingLing, it looks like Boners haxored into your account, dude. I'd change your password.

KingDingALing 9

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Thursday 3 March 2011 3:14

I knew I shouldn't have put password as "IsecretlyloveKaySL"! That was way too obvious. Hmm...I'm going to include you in my next password, Doc. It'll be something along the lines of "Erotic.....Doc....NippleTweaking...furiously humping...kinky" I think you get the point.

ImAKittehCat 0

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Thursday 3 March 2011 4:30

Hawt...

LexaDear 0

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Thursday 3 March 2011 7:14

Agreed with 12. Git im dun.

dewoww 0

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Thursday 3 March 2011 8:11

I was thinking owe him a kiss. if he skated with her he prob wouldnt mind getting a piece of her. although trying to impress like that is pretty low. hope she was very sorry and willing.