Miscellaneous: Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend. A while later I forgot...

By carmelita - Singapore

Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend. A while later I forgot about it and started digging my nose vigorously. He then beeped me and said "Digging for gold, dear? " FML

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Miscellaneous

Family values

Sorry…

Always call first

By honeymoonisover - United States

Today, my husband of one week lost his wedding ring while we were preparing for a dinner party. After a thorough search and no luck, I started to cry. He told me to quit being a drama queen because we had guests. He then got drunk with his friends, puked on the patio, and called me a bitch. FML

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By Workplace woes - United States - San Francisco

Today, my coworker showed me photos of her anal fissures. I'm not a doctor. FML

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14051

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend had to give me an enema. FML

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25203

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By sammy - 26/3/2020 04:59 - Australia

Not now, dude!

Today, I was working at the checkout. Trying to be hygienic, I suppressed a sneeze. I continued to serve the next person. As I was giving her her change, she looked at me with a horrified expression. I looked down and my shirt was covered in a trail of snot all the way to my belt. FML

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1526

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By glitterzebra - United States

Today, I realized that I can tell how long it has been since I have been with a guy, by the length of my leg hair. FML

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26187

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By Emmy - United States

Today, while I was on the up escalator, a small woman in front of me farted directly into my face. FML

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35253

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Vianen

Today, while at work, I managed to scrape open the inside of my nose with my fingernail, drawing blood in the process. I had to quickly up an explanation for my scream that didn't go: "Well, I was scouting for boogers..." FML

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7471

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By KidCudi227 - United States

Today, my mom gave me the "birds and the bees" talk, while she was taking a dump. FML

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36658

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3370

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By Airplane crap - United States - Leavenworth

Today, I got stuck on an airplane for a while before takeoff. Someone decided it was a great time to get diarrhea while on the toilet, and we couldn't take off for safety reasons. FML

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33889

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By trafficfail

Today, as I was driving to work, I glanced in my rear view mirror to see an old man behind me using binoculars to see in front of him since we were stuck in a huge traffic jam. He rear ended me. FML

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31677

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By sadsadperson - Australia

Today, I lied to my diary about getting laid. FML

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44802

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By reader - 4/12/2020 14:03

Passing

Today, I went to go to an aerobics class. Shen the instructor walked in, she went up to me and told me it was a women only class. I am a woman. FML

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976

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119

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By tool - United States

Today, I was bored at my job at Home Depot. I got a bar code tattoo 3 weeks ago and thought it would be funny to scan it. I'm a $5.98 160z claw hammer. FML

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43849

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By Duellist

Today, someone in Fedex typo'd "KZ" for "NZ" and sent our fencing weapons to Kazakhstan. FML

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4361

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242

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By Johna Richardson

Today, after my boyfriend ignored me for hours playing video games, he gave me some attention for a little bit. When I tried to run my fingers through his hair, I missed and punched him in the face. FML

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3850

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By Anonymous - Australia - Croydon

Today, I went to the bar I've always gone to after work for the past 12 years. On arrival, I got banned for life, punched in the nose and thrown out. The barmaid comes out and says, "Sorry, wrong guy." FML

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30185

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By Grace

Today, I drove over 3 hours to hook up with a guy I've been talking to for a couple of months. When we start having sex, he lasted less than a minute, and then couldn't get it up again afterwards. I slept uncomfortably the entire night on his twin bed while he snored. FML

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3380

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1305

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By I don’t stink - 1/5/2020 20:00

No pain, no meds

Today, I finally got to come home after hours spent in a locked down ER after a car accident. My injuries were non life-threatening, but pretty damn painful. I asked my sister to pick up my pain meds from the pharmacy for me. She got drunk and "lost them", AKA gave them to her dirtbag boyfriend. FML

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1864

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233

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By lamb-chop - France

Today, my philosophy teacher asked me about my parents. I replied that my mum was a cleaner and my dad was a bus driver. In an astonished voice, she said, "But, you're clever..." FML

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36765

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By UGH! - Canada

Today, I slid into a seat in a very busy foodcourt that was jam packed full of seniors at the mall. It was the only seat available, so I was quick to jump into it. It was soaked with urine. FML

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7079

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, my girlfriend made me a chocolate cake to try and cheer me after my dog died. My dog died because my dad fed him chocolate. FML

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20224

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, my mother refused to buy a cat because my sister is allergic to them. She bought a rabbit instead. I'm allergic to rabbits. FML

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25259

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By Anonymous - United States - Royersford

Today, I got locked out of my house. After trying unsuccessfully to jimmy the lock, I managed to climb in through the kitchen window. I soon found out I had an effect on the door after all; it won't open at all any more, even with the right key. FML

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17211

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By TragicallyAnxious

Today, I learned that drunk me from last night is apparently great at flirting. She also apparently flirted her way to a free bottle of white wine, only to shatter it on the kitchen floor at 2 a.m. How did I find out? Three words: glass in foot. FML

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1372

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By Pusillanimous - United States

Today, I was waiting in line with a friend, and she poked my stomach and said, "I wish I had your stomach." I asked her why. She said, "Boys wouldn't flirt with me." FML

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51205

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By zuko - 27/12/2020 23:01 - United States - San Jose

Protocol

Today, in the store I work at, I was screamed at multiple times for not staying 6 feet away from everyone. The store is packed, and there is not even 6 feet of free space to work with. FML

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739

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By aianmoo16 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was at a mini arcade and accidentally put a hundred dollar bill through the quarter machine. FML

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11360

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By need an appendickectomy - Finland

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me for months. It all started while I was in the hospital, he says, because we were supposed to go out that day, but then I "had to go and get sick". He blames my emergency surgery for his infidelity. FML

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42720

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By Anonymous - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, I took a run in the woods. Almost halfway through, I started to feel like I was going to faint. I was so dizzy that my sight was getting blurry. I went to sit down on what seemed like a rock. It wasn't a rock. It was a huge snapping turtle. FML

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54438

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By ugh - United States

Today, I found a video camera behind a plant in my bedroom. My husband uses it to video tape himself having sex, with another woman. FML

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40623

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By imaginary coelacanth - 20/12/2020 14:02

Weirdo alert

Today, a customer came into the store I work at to ask why I hadn't killed myself yet. A month prior, that same customer told me to kill myself. All I did was compliment her shirt. FML

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1088

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2020 05:01

Tasty

Today, despite having the choice of several bowls of clean water in the house, as well as puddles and ponds outside, my cat was drinking out of a pot I was soaking in the sink. She doesn’t seem to mind the taste of dish soap. FML

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618

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized I had misspelled "Education" on all the resumes I've been submitting. FML

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12060

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By Natalie - Canada

Today, I discovered that my sister coloured in the pages of my college text books with Sharpie as revenge. FML

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25337

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5215

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By lanikai610 - United States

Today, there was no toilet paper left, so I asked my grandmother if I could use her Kleenex tissues. I found out too late that they were Vicks vapor rub tissues. My crotch has been burning for the last half hour. FML

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32274

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By Temporalvisions - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was showing off the Mount Kilimanjaro tattoo that I got after climbing it. It's a silhouette of the mountain and the word "KILI" in bold. My girlfriend told her friends it was actually the Lonely Mountain from The Hobbit, and that Kili was my favorite dwarf. FML

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4562

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1469

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By moreliketurdmart - United States - Lynnwood

Today, at the supermarket, a guy started yelling at me for staring at his "woman." She frankly looked like someone had carved Mick Jagger's face into a turd. When I told him I have better things to do than ogle random women, he started harassing me for being "a queer." FML

I agree, your life sucks

47031

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5315

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By ihateseagulls - United States

Today, while at the beach, my little sister thought it would be cute to feed a small seagull some of her food. Minutes later a flock of seagulls swarmed and attacked me and my sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28580

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By Anonymous - United States - Asheboro

Today, I received an email from my professor asking me not to jump ahead on assignments as it makes the other students look bad. FML

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47088

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By Insomniac - United States

Today, I finally got my stubborn toddler to take an afternoon nap after an hour and a half of wrestling with her. Ten minutes later, a UPS package arrived at my door. The UPS man decided it would be a good idea to ring my doorbell repeatedly in rapid-fire sequence as he was walking away. FML

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30069

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Top comments

By klutzilla1275 | 0

#402900 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:21

lmfao if he reacted that calmly he's a keeper ;)
just don't do it again.....

By jjenniferr05 | 0

#402894 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:20

HAHA! god that made me laugh. come on, everyones guilty of a good dig when they're clogged up.

COMMENTS

By glitter_kiss | 0

#402883 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:17

lol

iBimmer | 0

#403130 - Friday 17 July 2009 0:51

YDI for using video chat.

chromeLegend | 0

#986480 - Thursday 29 April 2010 6:43

Vedip

By drop_it_doe_eyes | 0

#402886 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:18

thats actually rather funny :D

SaphireFlames | 0

#3433629 - Saturday 15 October 2011 2:10

Ur stupid

AninOnin | 24

#5568006 - Saturday 6 July 2013 9:12

It is. It sounds exactly like something my boyfriend would do xD

By itsnotfair | 0

#402887 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:19

picking your nose is so bad for you! it causes sinus infections! eww

no1askdu | 5

#402928 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:29

Did you actually take the time and look that up...or do you know from experience?

quackquackquac | 0

#403074 - Friday 17 July 2009 0:26

... how exactly do you know that?

By CykoX | 0

#402892 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:19

vigorously? ydi

By jjenniferr05 | 0

#402894 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:20

HAHA! god that made me laugh. come on, everyones guilty of a good dig when they're clogged up.

babygurl91695 | 2

#3091337 - Friday 12 August 2011 7:50

Haha ur comment made me laugh more then the fml

By klutzilla1275 | 0

#402900 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:21

lmfao if he reacted that calmly he's a keeper ;)
just don't do it again.....

By sireen | 0

#402912 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:25

LMAO made my day.

By stryder | 1

#402920 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:26

ohh that sucks. i would have said "uhh i have a nose bleed and im trying to stop it."

lmfao, but YDI for leaving your cam on

By Via_Baudelaire | 0

#402935 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:30

Picking your nose is normal, it was awesome of your guy to react so calmly. No one likes it when they have a large hunka love up there.

AndelleRae | 9

#403568 - Friday 17 July 2009 3:46

Lmfao. "large hunka love."

I love it.

cherrygurl101 | 0

#3615530 - Monday 21 November 2011 17:37

Duh!That's why u have tissues

By Caayouteepie | 0

#402936 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:30

hahahahaha god thats embarrassing.