Miscellaneous: Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend. A while later I forgot...

By carmelita - Singapore

Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend. A while later I forgot about it and started digging my nose vigorously. He then beeped me and said "Digging for gold, dear? " FML

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Miscellaneous

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my boyfriend was asleep, I gave him a soft kiss and whispered how handsome and gentle he looked. His response, still asleep, was to roll over and let out a massive fart. FML

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By dis_bee_leaf - Canada

Today, I sent out a text saying "Smile! You're beautiful and don't let anyone tell you otherwise." to most of my contacts. I got one reply, from my best friend, saying, "Are you fucking stupid?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was docked and fined in my dorm building because of multiple noise complaints. What was I doing that was so noisy? I slipped in the shower and banged my head against the floor. Then when I reached for the towel rack to pull myself up, it broke and I slammed my wrist onto the ground. FML

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By goodbye - Canada

Today, I finally got up the nerve to ask this really cute girl out I've had a crush on for over eight months. Turns out she isn't a girl. FML

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By BadBribe - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to bribe me to be good since we were going out to dinner with her parents by giving me blowjob. The good news: it was one of the best she had ever given. The bad news: I came on her black dress. She responded by hitting in me in the nuts. Hard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Carbondale

Today, I ran into my favorite teacher from high school, the one that really inspired me to become one myself. I told her that I'm in my last year of college preparing to become a teacher, to which she replied, "Wow, they really are letting anyone have a crack at being a teacher these days." FML

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By spekledworf - United States - Plymouth

Today, as I wandered through the streets of an unfamiliar city, I spotted a cop and darted across the street to ask for assistance. He kindly gave me directions as he wrote me out a citation for jaywalking. FML

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By empress gleskizor the third of glarkon - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I was eating an onion bagel and bit down on something hard. At first I thought was a really hard piece of onion. The "onion" turned out to be a tooth, and it wasn't one of mine. FML

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By Sad Nerd - United States - Glendale

Today, I discovered that the laser disc player I used to have was not in fact a laser disc player but a Pioneer Laseractive. Broken ones sell on eBay for $200 and working ones sell for around $1000. I sold a working one for less than $100-worth of credit at a second-hand store. FML

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By got to be kidding me - United States - Cape Coral

Today, my eight-year-old daughter refused to use the port-a-potty at the fair. She preferred to piss her pants. FML

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By Hellau - France

Today, I was baby-sitting four rather noisy and rowdy kids. After a two hour struggle, I finally manage to get them into bed. I then ask them what they want before going to sleep, and the eldest replies: "Can you tell us a story where you die at the end?" FML

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By not_relaxed - United States

Today, I returned from vacation. Because of rain, I spent 3 days sitting in a hotel room, watching a TV with bad reception. I'm now less relaxed that if I'd have just stayed home, because that wouldn't have cost me $500, and my TV has more than 15 channels. So much for my first vacation in 5 years. FML

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By djl - Canada - Beaumont

Today, my boyfriend told me his Christmas gift to me was custom made. I told my parents in excitement, thinking it could possibly be a ring. Half an hour later he told me what it was; a molded dildo of his penis. It's going to be an awkward conversation with my parents when they ask what I got. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife told our six year old daughter that the devil beats his wife whenever there's a rainbow. Now she won't stop crying. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to my husband slowly pulling my blanket off me. I thought he was being romantic until I realized it was because the cat had puked all over me while I was sleeping. FML

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By DeeElleGee - Canada

Today, at my work, I was ringing though a kid's purchase. I try to be friendly with the kids and when he handed me his cash I said "Thank you, sir!" in a playful manner. He then turns to his mom and says "Mom, why does everyone think I am a boy?". FML

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By "wolfssb135"

Today, I deeply underestimated my baby nephew's climbing skills. I returned from the bathroom to find a broken vase, spilled powder formula, and my phone wiped clean from too many incorrect password attempts. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my college dormitory accused me of something I didn't do, breaking a law that I never heard of, charged me $200 to fix "what I did wrong", and is forcing me to go to counciling at the school. Not only was I not on campus when it happened, but I was the one who reported the problem. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Danby

Today, at my school they were having a carnival to raise money. One of the patrons suggested that if they wanted to make money, they should have people pledge money to make me cover my ugly face with a bag. The school got over $500, and I had to wear a bag. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Bad Windsheim

Today, I went to the supermarket to get some Easter gifts for my kids. At the register, I was verbally abused to the point of tears by the cashier, for having way too many items for the 12 items or less lane. I had 13. FML

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By noname - France

Today, my husband called me “my little zebra”. I gave birth a month ago, and I’ve kept a few stretch marks. FML

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By jakethemuss - Australia - Perth

Today, I proposed to the love of my life by having the waitress place the ring in her dessert. She ate the whole thing and didn't find the ring. I guess the waitress stole the ring. FML

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By blah blah

Today, I tried convincing my husband to spend his day off work with me because we both work a lot, and have almost no time to spend together. His literal response was, “I’d rather pick a shift up at work.” FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I went to the living room where my mother was so I could ask her about something. I found her lying pantsless on the couch trying to cut her pubic hair with a pair of scissors. FML

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By Lizziebelle - United States - Seattle

Today, my horse learned a new acrobatic trick. Unfortunately, I was still on top of him when he tried to somersault. The horse is fine. I'm in the hospital, fresh out of surgery for a broken femur. FML

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By ihateoldmagazines - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office for an appointment. After waiting for ages, I asked the receptionist what the delay was. Apparently, I had no standing appointment today. This is coming from the same receptionist who checked me in nearly two hours ago. FML

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By Bekah - United States

Today, I finished reading a book about the treatment of mental patients and decided to use some of the strategies on my dad. We've never gotten along better. FML

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By timmyb - United States

No coffee for you

Today, I walked into Starbucks for a job application. I asked the manager if they were hiring, as I really need a job. He looked me up and down and replied, "NO!" There was a 'Now hiring' sign in the window. FML

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By Snoodist

Today, as usual, I got home to find that my roommate had eaten all my groceries and left a mess behind for me to clean. To be fair, this time she did some cleaning - she "energy cleansed" my room with a sage wand, burning a huge hole in my mattress in the process. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I failed hard at a color test. I thought it was a joke because most of the colors looked the same to me. Now I know why people laugh at my clothes color choices. FML

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By PublicToiletEspionage - United Kingdom

Today, I was desperate for a pee so I used some public toilets which were full of obviously underage girls drinking. I didn't think anything of it until halfway through my business when I looked up to see two of them leaning over the top of the stall taking pictures with a mobile phone. FML

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By badenoughflowers - United States - Ben Wheeler

Today, my girlfriend returned home from a several week vacation with family. Instead of a happy reunion, I was terribly emasculated, publicly, for bringing flowers that "weren't as pretty as all the other couples' in baggage claim." FML

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By Zoe123 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. I'm doing Zoe." FML

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By livingstonjamie - Australia - Hampton

Today, a council worker showed up on my doorstep for the final pool installation inspection, which was scheduled 10 years ago. FML

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By coffeewench

Today, while I was reading in a park, a drunk bum started talking to me. After a few minutes of awkward conversation, he said, "You're really pretty, and you have nice eyes, but you have chubby cheeks. What's up with that? Did you eat a lot of peanuts when you were a kid or something?" FML

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By greeter - Canada - Willow Grove

Today, my class had a very important meeting about workplace safety. I thought I led some of my classmates to the meeting very well, until they informed me that I accidentally ran a red light on the way there. They brought this infraction up during the class every chance they got. FML

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By elevenharries - United Kingdom

Today, after staying at my boyfriend's house for the first time, I got in the shower. His bathroom door doesn't lock, so half way through my shower he walked in. Trying to be sexy, I pressed myself up against the glass, which turned out the be a door that opens outwards. I fell on the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my contact name in my girlfriend's phone is "Dipshit McFucktard". FML

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By Nikki

Today, I walked into my bathroom to my boyfriend bragging about how much better his butt looked than mine, all while wearing my jeans. FML

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By James - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to the woman of my dreams. I finished before entering. I'm 28 years old. FML

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Top comments

By klutzilla1275 | 0

#402900 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:21

lmfao if he reacted that calmly he's a keeper ;)
just don't do it again.....

By jjenniferr05 | 0

#402894 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:20

HAHA! god that made me laugh. come on, everyones guilty of a good dig when they're clogged up.

COMMENTS

By glitter_kiss | 0

#402883 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:17

lol

iBimmer | 0

#403130 - Friday 17 July 2009 0:51

YDI for using video chat.

chromeLegend | 0

#986480 - Thursday 29 April 2010 6:43

Vedip

By drop_it_doe_eyes | 0

#402886 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:18

thats actually rather funny :D

SaphireFlames | 0

#3433629 - Saturday 15 October 2011 2:10

Ur stupid

AninOnin | 24

#5568006 - Saturday 6 July 2013 9:12

It is. It sounds exactly like something my boyfriend would do xD

By itsnotfair | 0

#402887 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:19

picking your nose is so bad for you! it causes sinus infections! eww

no1askdu | 5

#402928 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:29

Did you actually take the time and look that up...or do you know from experience?

quackquackquac | 0

#403074 - Friday 17 July 2009 0:26

... how exactly do you know that?

By CykoX | 0

#402892 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:19

vigorously? ydi

By jjenniferr05 | 0

#402894 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:20

HAHA! god that made me laugh. come on, everyones guilty of a good dig when they're clogged up.

babygurl91695 | 2

#3091337 - Friday 12 August 2011 7:50

Haha ur comment made me laugh more then the fml

By klutzilla1275 | 0

#402900 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:21

lmfao if he reacted that calmly he's a keeper ;)
just don't do it again.....

By sireen | 0

#402912 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:25

LMAO made my day.

By stryder | 1

#402920 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:26

ohh that sucks. i would have said "uhh i have a nose bleed and im trying to stop it."

lmfao, but YDI for leaving your cam on

By Via_Baudelaire | 0

#402935 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:30

Picking your nose is normal, it was awesome of your guy to react so calmly. No one likes it when they have a large hunka love up there.

AndelleRae | 9

#403568 - Friday 17 July 2009 3:46

Lmfao. "large hunka love."

I love it.

cherrygurl101 | 0

#3615530 - Monday 21 November 2011 17:37

Duh!That's why u have tissues

By Caayouteepie | 0

#402936 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:30

hahahahaha god thats embarrassing.