Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend. A while later I forgot...

By carmelita - 16/7/2009 15:09 - Singapore

Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend. A while later I forgot about it and started digging my nose vigorously. He then beeped me and said "Digging for gold, dear? " FML

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Miscellaneous

Understandable

Social distancing gone wrong

Breaking Badly

By Well, shit - 18/1/2016 22:04 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my parents forced me to write a thank you letter to my uncle who passed away a week after Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2013 08:29 - United States - Inglewood

Today, I tried to be cute by sitting on top of my boyfriend's belly. While getting on top, I accidentally kneed him in his nuts. In pain, he jolted his head up and ended up banging his head against mine. Now I have a black eye and he can't walk without waddling. FML

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By Face fucking palm - 23/7/2014 03:36 - United States - Albany

Today, I went to a bookstore to get "The Grapes of Wrath". I have a problem with controlling the volume of my voice, so once at the counter, I accidentally said quite loudly, "WHERE ARE THE ANGRY GRAPES?" FML

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By btswc - 21/5/2011 07:18 - United States

Today, I asked my husband, of only a year, why we don't have sex anymore. He said it's because he masturbates. When I asked how often he did it, he replied "Every day that we don't have sex..." FML

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By Omydayz - 29/3/2016 23:03 - United States - Fremont

Today, after telling a friend I was contemplating asking a girl to prom, my friend took my phone, told me to have some balls, and texted the girl asking her to prom. She said no, because I asked her over text instead of in person. She refuses to believe I didn't send the text. FML

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By Luna - 22/7/2012 02:30 - United States - Carmel

Today, I found a tick half-buried in my nipple. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2019 22:00

Today, after a day of walking around downtown, shopping and going out to eat, I came home to notice I had a dirty thong stuck to the back of my shirt. FML

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By babysitter - 26/3/2009 03:45 - United States

Today, I babysat for two little girls, who wanted to play 'mermaids'. I smiled, and said that I would love to play with them. The older girl laughed, saying "You can't be a mermaid. Mermaids are pretty." FML

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By gimpy - 23/6/2016 15:00 - United States - Panama City

Today, I was carrying my coffee from the kitchen to the coffee table and couch. Last week I had ACL surgery, so I'm on crutches. Unfortunately, I got the urge to sneeze on my walk to the couch. I didn't make it to the couch before I sneezed and spilled coffee everywhere. FML

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By unzucht - 30/5/2012 16:45 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, my wife and I convened our families for a joint dinner, followed by me breaking the news that my wife is pregnant. My father visibly scoffed, and my grandfather spent the rest of the evening muttering to him about how "breeders should be shot". Wonderful. FML

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By Koda - 6/5/2011 04:27

Today, I passed out when my blood sugar dropped. Three times. And each time, my roommate, who was right next to me, just let me fall because he liked the way my face looked. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2013 14:26 - United States - Campbellsville

Today, I was at a pool party with some friends. We decided to play chicken and I was on the shoulders of the guy I like. Right as we started playing, for some unearthly reason my body decided to let out a little pee. I thought he wouldn't notice since we were already wet. He did. FML

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By - 12/1/2020 05:00

Beautiful car

Today, I sold my wife's old car because I bought her a newer and nicer one. On the way back home from the sale, the transmission went out in her new one. FML

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By startingover - 18/7/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, I was at work in a lab. I spent all day growing a large bacterial culture. I went to retrieve it, only to find that someone had turned the incubation shaker up too high, and my flask had flown off and shattered. Not only did I lose all my work, but now the whole room is a biohazard. FML

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By fml333 - 21/12/2009 19:26 - Saudi Arabia

Today, I was hanging out with my ex's new girlfriend. I found out he was dating us both at the same time and was comparing between us. That is why he broke up with me two years ago and is still with her ever since. FML

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By lastalittlelonger - 5/12/2009 09:07 - United States

Bragging

Today, I received a text from my boyfriend telling me how much I wore him out the night before, from all the sex we were having. We had sex for two minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2019 20:07

Today, I spilled grape juice on my new white shirt. I bleached it and scrubbed it until there was nothing left to see. I threw it on, ready to dart out of the door, when my dad walks in after fixing the lawnmower and puts his greasy hand right on my shoulder. FML

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By coolcat10156 - 8/7/2015 07:04 - United States - Keller

Today, while waiting the required 5 minutes for my hair removal cream to work, my cat rubbed all over my legs while I wasn't looking. After getting clawed to death throwing her in the bath to get the cream off, all her hair on that side fell off. I now have a half hairless cat. FML

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By DaddysGirl - 16/10/2011 10:36 - Canada

Today, I took the train to visit my parents, which arrives late at night. As I was getting off, the cute guy in front of me looked out the window, then turned to me and said, "Doesn't that guy out there give you the creeps?" That guy was my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2018 20:30

Today, as a male in his 40s, I went to "mixed" aerobics. I arrived late to find the entire female class had started intensely warming up. Within 5 minutes I pulled a calf muscle and left limping pathetically past a martial arts class. FML

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By DravensMommy - 6/8/2009 19:22 - United States

Today, I woke up with a black eye. Why? My husband was having a dream where he was fighting somebody and wound up punching me in the face in his sleep. I had a very important job interview this morning. FML

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By ForeverAlone - 20/5/2013 04:47 - United States

Today, I'm planning my big sister's wedding. My long-term, live-in boyfriend walked by and saw me looking at the wedding tab on Pinterest, smirked, and said, "Don't get your hopes up." I had. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2010 04:11 - United States

Today, I met my recently divorced mother's new boyfriend. He is missing teeth and has long hair and a mangy beard. Horrified, I left the room, only to hear my mother telling my sister, "The sex is phenomenal!" FML

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By scarlet5000 - 26/9/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, there was a traffic accident on the highway which I normally take. I couldn't resist laughing at the driver since he was stupid enough to rear-end someone on the highway. What I didn't realize is that I forgot to pay attention to the road and rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By jwz - 16/2/2009 15:25 - Netherlands

Today, I lost 200 dollars while playing poker with my new sunglasses. Turns out you can see the cards in the reflection. FML

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By angryman - 28/12/2015 09:07

Today, I was playing what became an extremely intense game of hide-and-seek with my best friend's sister. I finally found the perfect place, so I slid down into the bath and began to cover myself. She popped up out of nowhere and said, "FOUND YOU!" I got so scared that I punched her in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2016 10:30 - Ukraine

Today, I took my 9-year-old sister to an ice cream shop. There we met a boy about her age, who started a conversation with her, told her she was pretty and they ended up exchanging numbers. I'm 24 and so far I've never succeeded at getting a girl's number like this. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2012 03:36 - United States - Chicago

Today, I whacked off with a condom on and left it in the living room waste basket so it looked like I finally had sex with someone. FML

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By hunnydoll - 18/8/2009 00:16 - United States

Today, while talking to my boyfriend, I was frantically searching for my cell phone. He was curious as to what I was doing so I told him. There was long silence followed by laughter. He could hardly breathe as he told me, "Honey you're on your phone talking to me." FML

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By Disgruntled ADP - 26/10/2018 08:30 - United States - Dallas

Today, we moved desks for the umpteenth time, and my supervisor stuffed me in a corner by the door with no one around to talk to. The worst thing is I hear the badge reader beep every few seconds. It's already driving me crazy. FML

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By desertpunk75 - 19/1/2011 03:40 - United States

Today, my friends thought it'd be funny to hold lighters under the smoke alarms while I was sleeping. FML

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By they've been broken up for a year. - 19/11/2012 07:13 - United States - Dallas

Today, my girlfriend of 6 months yelled at me for not comforting her while she was crying because her ex got a new girlfriend, and "it's just not fair." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2010 18:56 - United States

Today, I did my workout at the gym instead of at home as I usually do, since I'm paranoid about people seeing up my shorts. I told myself to get over it, because it's impossible. After my extensive workout, I realized that there was a hole in the crotch of my shorts. FML

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By Username - 4/10/2010 05:48 - France

Today, my four year old daughter pulled her pants down in the middle of Best Buy. Apparently, you can smell the farts better when they don't have to pass through clothing. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2013 14:05 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I took my daughter on her first visit to the zoo. While we were watching the lemurs, some kid thought it would be funny to start shouting "MONKEY CUNTS" at them at the top of his voice. Now my daughter refuses to stop repeating the same phrase. FML

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By shreking_bawl - 14/11/2014 18:39 - Norway

Today, one of my debate opponents used the "Bill O'Reilly defense" against my arguments. This involved saying "You can't explain that" about easily explained stuff, and speaking louder and louder to drown out my voice. He ended up getting a better grade than mine. FML

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By Anon - 11/9/2009 01:19 - United States

Today, while at work I passed out due to my blood sugar not being normal. Despite the fact that it took 10 minutes to wake me, no one thought I was in any sort of danger. After the episode, I then got fired for "sleeping on the job." FML

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By badtrip - 3/3/2009 03:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was packing for her study abroad program. Jokingly, I got her a pack of condoms. She laughed, saying "Oh yeah, I'll definitely need some of those." Later, I showed up to take her to the airport and saw her open suitcase in the kitchen, with the condoms on top. FML

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By I Know How to Pick'em - 16/11/2015 12:25 - Canada - Beaverton

Today, as I had a chat with my boyfriend and a couple of his friends, one of them had brought up my boyfriend's son and his other child who was due any day now. The conversation would have went well, had I known that he had a son and a pregnant girlfriend. FML

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By sillydoggy - 9/9/2013 01:42 - United States

Today, I tried to get my golden retriever to stand in front of our church for a very short time to illustrate the point of a sermon. When I brought my dog up, he mounted the pastor's leg and began humping him. FML

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Top comments

By klutzilla1275 | 0

#402900 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:21

lmfao if he reacted that calmly he's a keeper ;)
just don't do it again.....

By jjenniferr05 | 0

#402894 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:20

HAHA! god that made me laugh. come on, everyones guilty of a good dig when they're clogged up.

COMMENTS

By glitter_kiss | 0

#402883 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:17

lol

iBimmer | 0

#403130 - Friday 17 July 2009 0:51

YDI for using video chat.

chromeLegend | 0

#986480 - Thursday 29 April 2010 6:43

Vedip

By drop_it_doe_eyes | 0

#402886 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:18

thats actually rather funny :D

SaphireFlames | 0

#3433629 - Saturday 15 October 2011 2:10

Ur stupid

AninOnin | 24

#5568006 - Saturday 6 July 2013 9:12

It is. It sounds exactly like something my boyfriend would do xD

By itsnotfair | 0

#402887 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:19

picking your nose is so bad for you! it causes sinus infections! eww

no1askdu | 5

#402928 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:29

Did you actually take the time and look that up...or do you know from experience?

quackquackquac | 0

#403074 - Friday 17 July 2009 0:26

... how exactly do you know that?

By CykoX | 0

#402892 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:19

vigorously? ydi

By jjenniferr05 | 0

#402894 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:20

HAHA! god that made me laugh. come on, everyones guilty of a good dig when they're clogged up.

babygurl91695 | 2

#3091337 - Friday 12 August 2011 7:50

Haha ur comment made me laugh more then the fml

By klutzilla1275 | 0

#402900 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:21

lmfao if he reacted that calmly he's a keeper ;)
just don't do it again.....

By sireen | 0

#402912 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:25

LMAO made my day.

By stryder | 1

#402920 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:26

ohh that sucks. i would have said "uhh i have a nose bleed and im trying to stop it."

lmfao, but YDI for leaving your cam on

By Via_Baudelaire | 0

#402935 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:30

Picking your nose is normal, it was awesome of your guy to react so calmly. No one likes it when they have a large hunka love up there.

AndelleRae | 9

#403568 - Friday 17 July 2009 3:46

Lmfao. "large hunka love."

I love it.

cherrygurl101 | 0

#3615530 - Monday 21 November 2011 17:37

Duh!That's why u have tissues

By Caayouteepie | 0

#402936 - Thursday 16 July 2009 23:30

hahahahaha god thats embarrassing.