By Anonymous - 23/09/2015 08:51 - United Kingdom - Bargoed
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Both are completely valid reasons. Don't care if this gets down votes or mooed at, but if you are attracted to girls and the one you are with decides to no longer be one, you have every right to say good bye.
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(*i did not mean to post that and I was too late to edit it) because a trans person does not suddenly decide to be a different gender. They have always been that gender but have feared ridicule or abuse for saying so. If you are gay and your girlfriend comes out to you, does your attraction to her suddenly dissipate? No.
#23- I have a strong feeling that you're going to use your own gender identity to make your point seem like the "right" one, so I'm going to start off saying that I am not cisgendered myself so that can't be pulled on me. But you have to understand that personal preference and attraction is not the fucking same thing as prejudice or oppression, so it's downright appalling that you think "I'm not attracted to you because you're a girl and I don't like girls" is even remotely equivalent to the truly transphobic horrors non-cis people have to deal with on a constant basis.
Well I would hope it would, since her coming out as gay would mean she's never been attracted to you... Gay people can lie to their significant others about their attraction and trick them into haven't drawn out dead end relationships, and straights just have to go with it, and can't even stop being attracted to that person?
19/23 you are quite mistaken. Lying to someone about your gender to fake a relationship is deceptive and wrong. OP is the victim, not the other way around. If op's partner had lied about being married, being wealthy, or hiding a drug problem in an effort to fake the relationship, would you still blame OP for wanting to break up when she discovered the truth? Didn't think so. Being deceptive in a relationship is wrong and has consequences.
Please understand that no one is "deciding to be a different gender". A trans person is someone who has always been a gender incongruent with the one they were told they were when they were born... the only decision is the one to actually tell people and to transition once they have realized their gender isn't the one everyone thought it was.
A trans person does not suddenly decide to transition, that takes time and internal debate. Their announcement that they are about to transition however can be sudden. And yes, it's entirely possible to lose your attraction for someone once they begin to transition. The hormones change a lot of things and that WILL impact how you view that person from a romantic perspective. You are under no obligation to stay with someone when they do something that creates a drastic change in the dynamic of your relationship regardless of how you feel for that person.
I'm trans and I think it's understandable (and logical) that someone might want to leave someone else if they came out as trans. Being transphobic has absolutely nothing to do with it. It's a big change in someone's life and for example, if your partner is attracted to only one gender, it can cause quite a problem when that changes. I'm a bit done with all the people screaming Transphobia at anything trans-related that they might disagree with, without actually thinking about how it would be for the other person, like the OP implies with their friends.
31: I don't think that breaking up with someone for being changing their gender/sex is transphobic in the slightest but I don't think it's fair to say that OP's ex was 'lying' about their gender. Sexuality and gender are complex things and it can take time to discover your own identity.
The ex came out as being a woman, and wishes to transition so that she can look and be recognized as being a woman. Her doctor and parents called her a boy at birth, so she continued to live as such, but has realized that she is actually a woman and wishes for the world to recognize it.
Breaking up with someone who's trans shouldn't be a big deal. Some people just aren't attracted to someone who's transgender. However if you gave that person hell and completely insulted them for being trans, then it's a problem. What she did was wrong but she is brave for coming out
Some bad vocabulary choices were made (Trans folks don't 'decide' to be a different gender), but your essential point is exactly correct. I'm Bi, but if my boyfriend were to come out to me as a woman, I would break up with her. Not because I'm not attracted to women, but because she had lied to me for years about who she was, and you need trust in a relationship.
@82 There's a difference between breaking trust and being horrified about what you're finding out about yourself. People who are trans or gay or any part of the lgbt community can have many reasons as to why they are in straight relationships. Whether they are scared of what others will think, how they'll be treated, they were brought up to hate the lgbt community, or they don't want to lose their job. Breaking trust is cheating or stealing, etc. being afraid to be yourself because of how cruel the world is is different
@82, if I realized I was trans while I was in the middle of my relationship with you, what would you expect me to do? Not everyone realizes they're trans when they're 5. You would really end the relationship with me because I was told all my life that I was one gender, and finally realize I was another? That's so sad to think about...
82: Again, I don't think it's wrong to break up with someone who comes out as transgender but some people genuinely don't realize that they're trans for a while, or it takes a while for them to come to terms with it. I know this isn't really the same thing but I think it's a good comparison: I'm bi and I didn't come out to my boyfriend until about a year into our relationship because I wasn't sure about it yet. Does that mean I lied to him about who I was? No. It means I wanted to come to terms with it myself before telling anyone else.
@82 As was said before, you don't always know. It's completely possible they hadn't worked out their gender identity and wouldn't have known, so they weren't lying. Also people are, you know, raped and murdered for being trans, so if they didn't feel comfortable telling you at first or for a while then I wouldn't find anything wrong with that.
that would be a valid reason to leave her because if she doesn't like guys then what's the point.
25, I just want to point out that I have read your comments on this post, and every single piece of bias trash you post made me cringe. as far as I'm concerned, transgender people (and any non cis, I suppose) are the same as anyone else. they aren't the friggin bread and butter of the universe. so don't pull this "oh woe is me" crap when someone isn't comfortable dating a transgendered person. I'm a straight guy, if my gf suddenly decided to get an operatiom and become a man, that wouldn't suddenly make me gay. get real.
19/23/44, I think I understand what you were trying to say. Just like any relationship, if someone "changes" who they are in the eyes of the other person, attraction doesn't necessarily change immediately. It's a slow process of coming to understand the new idea of who the person is. I'm not sure why you posted "transphobic" but I'm discounting that for now because you said you didn't mean to post it and I'd like to give you the benefit of the doubt. That being said, this was not the case with the OP, because this was not the reason for the breakup. I really don't think it's fair for OP's friends to be upset either way because when you decide you like a person it is for who they present themselves to be. If that changes in a way that doesn't mesh well with the other person, it's neither party's fault, especially if the transgender person was still unsure or unaware of their gender identity when the relationship began. It's just a change that happens, and as the people change, the relationship is likely to change as well (even if that means it is ending)
In all fairness, breaking up with somebody because they were trans and you didn't know about it is a pretty reasonable thing to do.
It seems like your friends cared an awful lot about her to take her side on this situation. I would have a chat with them.