Today, I was jerking off when my cat jumped out of nowhere and dug his claws into my shaft. Attempting to knock him away resulted in three nasty gashes… that I now have to explain to my wife. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, as I was feeling frisky, I started to jack off. I was about to come when my cat attacked my hand and nether regions under the blanket. I really got the pussy, didn’t I? FML
Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML
Today, I found out that my wife was having sex with my friend. It turned out that my genius cat realized it wasn't me there and attacked his balls, severely cutting them. I now have to kill my cat and pay for his medical bills to sew his balls back. FML
Today, I was laying on the couch when my cat decided to join. Instead of jumping, he opted to climb. While he was climbing, he put his paw on my junk and got his claws stuck there. He then tried to force them out, which hurt even more. It took almost a full minute to break him free. FML
Today, I had some unexpected alone time for the first time in months and decided to *ahem* play with an adult toy. As things were getting close to the end, my cat jumped up on the bed, saw the movement under the blanket and immediately pounced on my downstairs, puncturing certain delicate areas with his claws. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I slept naked after a great night together. I awoke to a sharp pain in my penis and found our cat trying a new scratching post. FML
Today, I was messing with my cat by moving my hand around under the sheets to make it look like a mouse, making him pounce at it. Without thinking, I brought my hand up to scratch my nose and was immediately attacked by flailing claws. FML
Today, while I was at my girlfriend's house, I picked up her cat and held him like he was baby Simba. Apparently he didn't enjoy that, because he managed to somehow leap out of my hands and attach himself to my chest, claws extended. I now have four one-inch-long gashes on my chest. FML
Today, I took my wife's cat to the vet for her yearly check up. I'm finishing the day at the hospital with multiple bite wounds and a deep gash in my leg. My wife chose to comfort her cat instead. FML
Today, my roommate thought it would be funny to throw my cat in the bathtub while I was in it. I had to go to the emergency room to get my penis stitched up. FML
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Top comments
MLK12345 4
????? If you're # 3 how did u see #5's post?
maiden_girl 5
LOL @#5. Why weren't you just having sex with your wife?
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Comments (68)
NuTrees 9
blanquito pito you funny. I woulda beat that pussy up if I was him.
upsidedownfrownn 5
I applaud you...
SkoomaKi 28
Whatever you do, don't get a boner! It will just re-open the cuts...
LilMissNYC 5
You have a wife, have sex with her, not yourself. If she won't do it with you, read a book on how to actually be good in bed so she can stop faking and you can stop wanking
BarbieBlanca 10
lol @all the people asking why didn't he have sex with his wife. maybe she was at work or something? like really guys? lol smh.
problemsproblems 6
My boyfriend kicks off badly if I ********** without him. Maybe this guys wife is the same? Say you were having a wee!
FkMeSleep 5
That's one way to get some pussy action... Loll.
rabbi1010 29
Lol just tell her you took a nap and that cat clawed you.
8313girl 28
His wife probably said she had a headache or maybe she just didn't wanna have sex with him. I heard that happens with married couples. Sorry OP and I hope you haven't had any repeats with that cat
cassm 7
I can't stop laughing. this is hilarious. I'd like to know how that talk went