Today, I was jerking off when my cat jumped out of nowhere and dug his claws into my shaft. Attempting to knock him away resulted in three nasty gashes… that I now have to explain to my wife. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, as I was feeling frisky, I started to jack off. I was about to come when my cat attacked my hand and nether regions under the blanket. I really got the pussy, didn’t I? FML
Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML
Today, I found out that my wife was having sex with my friend. It turned out that my genius cat realized it wasn't me there and attacked his balls, severely cutting them. I now have to kill my cat and pay for his medical bills to sew his balls back. FML
Today, I was laying on the couch when my cat decided to join. Instead of jumping, he opted to climb. While he was climbing, he put his paw on my junk and got his claws stuck there. He then tried to force them out, which hurt even more. It took almost a full minute to break him free. FML
Today, I had some unexpected alone time for the first time in months and decided to *ahem* play with an adult toy. As things were getting close to the end, my cat jumped up on the bed, saw the movement under the blanket and immediately pounced on my downstairs, puncturing certain delicate areas with his claws. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I slept naked after a great night together. I awoke to a sharp pain in my penis and found our cat trying a new scratching post. FML
Today, I was messing with my cat by moving my hand around under the sheets to make it look like a mouse, making him pounce at it. Without thinking, I brought my hand up to scratch my nose and was immediately attacked by flailing claws. FML
Today, while I was at my girlfriend's house, I picked up her cat and held him like he was baby Simba. Apparently he didn't enjoy that, because he managed to somehow leap out of my hands and attach himself to my chest, claws extended. I now have four one-inch-long gashes on my chest. FML
Today, I took my wife's cat to the vet for her yearly check up. I'm finishing the day at the hospital with multiple bite wounds and a deep gash in my leg. My wife chose to comfort her cat instead. FML
Today, my roommate thought it would be funny to throw my cat in the bathtub while I was in it. I had to go to the emergency room to get my penis stitched up. FML
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Top comments
MLK12345 4
????? If you're # 3 how did u see #5's post?
maiden_girl 5
LOL @#5. Why weren't you just having sex with your wife?
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Comments (68)
Tommy_fml 0
A nasty way to get cat scratch fever...!
fast7fast 0
ur comment deserves a medal
FailBear920 19
Of the highest caliber.
bellstrange 0
why werent you just banging your wife?
AyJayKay 0
Well, if you're masturbating, obviously your wife hasn't seen your penis in a while. What's another couple days going to hurt?
nazooer 11
Seems like bs
chelsealovesnsn 0
Just say you were peeing ha
xxBAMFxx 0
ha ha number 7:) but man that must have hurt... Wait why didn't you just have sex with your wife?
awethe01 0
Should have locked the cat out of the bathroom. Hopefully your wife will be understanding to the fact that you were masturbating lol. I'd get the cat declawed.
What_Willis_is_t 1
Declawing a cat is horrible. Declawing a cat is the same as a human cutting off their fingers from the knuckle up
alliewillie 22
No. It's not. It's done now with lasers and just takes the nail and the very tip to keep it from growing back. It's SO painful my cats were back to "sharpening" on the furniture in a few days time. No stitches, nothing. They still don't know they're gone.
franko_fml 0
okay this is a lie, your cats not gunna jump on your ******* shaft unless ur dick is like 3 feet long. plus you would move unless you have retarded reflexes, plus ur hands in the way, unless ur dick is huge like i said. why would a cat do that anyway?
alliewillie 22
NYou apparently don't know cats. Anything moving quickly interests them - i.e. his hand. The cat probably saw the movement and jumped for it, got hold of what was underneath. For all you know he threw up the hand to ward off the cat as a reflex. Either way stop bein a dick.
easylazy 0
Just tell her you were having sex with your cat and it got naughty! It's perfectly explainable
_Skies 0
******* ouch!