Today, I was in a bad mood after being stuck in traffic for 2... - FML

By horniness - 10/10/2009 16:30 - Hong Kong

Today, I was in a bad mood after being stuck in traffic for 2 hours and late for work. I was walking to my building when I saw a 100 dollar note flying my way. A man called after me for it, but being selfish I took the note in my pocket as a little reward. That man was my boss. Yes, I'm fired. FML

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Proactive

Social distancing gone wrong

Mr Sensitivity

By SpitBreathe - 25/10/2020 14:00 - Iran Islamic Republic of

Drink it instead!

Today, I found out why the amount of mouthwash hasn't been decreasing much recently when I walked in on my dad using it and then spitting some of it back in the bottle. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2014 17:29 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss changed some company calendar settings on my computer to see what they'd be like. He didn't like it, so he told me to change it back, then left. I have no idea what he changed. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2016 21:36 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my boss told me that people from work have been complaining about me. Apparently, I'm not doing part of their jobs for them, and the other manager sometimes does. FML

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By alejita - 2/3/2009 05:52 - United States

Today, I overheard my daughter compliment my mother by saying "My mom is way flabbier than you, Grandma." When I told her later that she hurt my feelings, she told me to "man up." She's seven. FML

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By Xia - 18/10/2009 16:38 - United States

Today, I spilled a half bottle of superglue on my hands. I also found out that cold water only makes it harden faster. FML

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By quinndulgent - 29/11/2015 21:10 - United States - West Bend

Today, due to the incompetence and apathy of my lab partners, I have to write a 12-page lab paper by myself. A 12 page lab paper about radishes. Radishes. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2012 11:40 - United Kingdom - Chatham

Today, my girlfriend admitted she had a nightmare about having sex with me. FML

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By SadManKillMeNow - 25/5/2019 22:00

Today, after deactivating my Facebook page 4 days ago for stalking reasons - as in me stalking my ex - I reactivated it for approximately 3 minutes to see what his status update was, then deactivated it again. I'm just THAT pathetic. FML

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By screwed - 30/7/2009 03:20 - United States

Today, my mom asked me if I was crying because my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. That wasn't why I was crying. My mom knows things before I do. FML

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By Crappy - 11/4/2015 12:12 - Canada - Rodney

Today, I got trapped in my building's elevator for over an hour, with my dog who I had been rushing outside with because he had explosive diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2011 03:28 - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor thinking I had breast cancer. Turns out, I have a third boob. FML

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By fezhafeez - 23/2/2016 19:26 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, the girl I like asked me to take over her shift at the place we both work at. Being nice, I readily took over. Later, I found out she went on a date with my best friend. He knows I like her. FML

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By ididntevendrinkthatnight - 7/6/2013 05:14 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got mugged on the way to my 21st birthday party at a bar. I begged the thug to at least throw me my ID, only to have him laugh and run away singing "happy birthday". FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2014 06:44 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I almost got lucky with a girl from my course. We've been flirting since we met. After removing her top and moving downwards with my tongue, whilst moaning my name she decided to mention she has a boyfriend and that we needed to stop. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2009 18:39 - United States

Today, my company filed for bankruptcy, but the reorganize kind where it still functions. There are no funds to give out paychecks any time soon. They won't fire me. If I voluntarily quit, I cannot file for unemployment. I'm now an unpaid intern. FML

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By lpara89 - 20/6/2017 00:00

Today, my 7-month pitbull chewed up a framed picture of my parents and another framed picture of my other pitbull. Maybe he's mad I don't have any pictures of him framed yet. FML

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By IbetIgotAIDS - 12/9/2011 16:15 - United States

Today, I realized that the place that my brothers and I would find soggy balloons and blow them up when we were younger is where the prostitutes take their clients. We were blowing up used condoms for a good part of our childhood. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2019 04:04

Today, while at work, I was trying to locate the source of the really bad BO wafting around, when I realized I'd forgotten to put on deodorant this morning. I have 5 hours of shame left to go. FML

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By shit - 26/1/2014 18:20 - United States - South Holland

Today, my sister was taking forever in the bathroom, and I jokingly threatened to kick down the door. I rammed into it, and it actually bust almost off its hinges. My sister screamed and our parents came running. Now I'm grounded forever and our bathroom has no door. FML

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By fuuuuck - 28/11/2011 23:43 - United States

Today, I had a big presentation to do at work, so I got up early and ran myself a bath. I woke up three hours later, extremely late, and still in the bath. FML

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By amore89 - 28/7/2019 12:00

Today, I was with my dad at the supermarket and this guy was checking me out. My dad yells at him with a grin, "I know! I make beautiful babies!" FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2020 11:02

Yeah, just blame me!

Today, after I found out my husband cheated on me and then yesterday had to stop him from trying to kill himself, he's now moved out and has decided that this is all my fault. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2013 04:11 - United States - Houston

Today, I realized that I'm so lonely I can no longer whack off without bursting into tears and crying like a little bitch. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2019 06:01

Boundaries, dude!

Today, I was awoken by the sound of my dorm roommate having sex three feet from me. He was sober, knew I was there, and has a deployed military girlfriend. FML

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By letmedienow - 11/10/2011 17:43 - United States

Today, after being admitted to the emergency room for severe abdominal pain, my boyfriend shouted out in front of my parents, "At least she isn't pregnant!" FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2010 04:12 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend who's sick, he told me he felt sleepy due to meds and was going to bed. I jokingly said, "you're going to call your other girlfriend, aren't you?" There was silence before I heard, "you weren't supposed to find out like this." FML

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By kit_kat14 - 19/2/2010 14:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my boyfriend joined a group on Facebook called 'Swallow. Or it's going in your eye.' Today I also found out that my boyfriend takes Facebook groups very seriously. FML

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By disappointed dad - 19/5/2013 07:35 - United States

Today, the couch I bought a week ago was delivered. I don't know which is worse: my son being the one to point out it's been "used", or that he used a black light to prove it. FML

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By nadalada - 18/2/2009 08:06 - United States

Today, My boyfriend gave me a gift card for $32 to a local salon. I thought the amount was kind of random, but when I went in I saw that the bikini wax was $32. FML

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By RyanSmithN - 15/1/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, I used a public bathroom and set my motorcycle helmet on the sink while I used the urinal. The helmet rolled into the sink, under the faucet and set off the motion detector, soaking the inside. I drove 15 miles home in 30 degree weather with a wet helmet. FML

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By doodler - 27/2/2014 11:59 - United States - Hurst

Today, I was doodling randomly during a meeting at work, and I noticed my drawing was beginning to look a bit like a penis. A coworker was eyeing it so I tried to make it something else by adding... oh good, now it's a penis and balls. FML

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By Rachel - 27/10/2020 08:01 - United States

Fun fun fun

Today, I spent my entire day building various zoos in Zoo Tycoon, and then releasing all of the animals to see them chase people. FML

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By hAHAha Halo - 2/8/2010 17:55 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's father offered her $10 to stop talking to me. I don't have a girlfriend anymore. FML

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By Pongy - 12/11/2013 05:31

Today, I found out that shirt sizes don't get longer, they get wider. Being 6ft4, every shirt I try on makes me look like a cheap stripper. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2012 17:42 - United States - Seattle

Today, while waiting for a bus, someone started smoking at the bus shelter, which is illegal in my city. I politely asked him to stop smoking, citing the city ordinance. He just cackled and said that if I'm so concerned about the state of my health, I should start by losing 90 pounds. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2016 23:26 - United States

Today, I found out that when my parents said they couldn't afford gifts for us kids, what they really meant was that they weren't buying a gift for me. I found this out when I overheard my father telling my uncle about the things he got my siblings. FML

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By onemoredonut - 3/5/2016 01:39 - United States - Herndon

Today, while directing traffic in uniform, I tripped over a traffic cone and fell straight on my butt in the middle of a busy intersection. FML

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By bluefrisky - 29/9/2012 07:39 - Canada - Toronto

Today, we had movers come in to take all of our stuff as the final step to our move to the States. We have our flight scheduled for tomorrow evening. Thing is, they accidentally took my carry-on bag without my knowledge. In that carry-on there was a little something called a passport. FML

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By Order of the Dangling Testicles - 28/1/2014 20:28 - United States - Astoria

Today, I moved back into my dorm. My ex-girlfriend, and the guy she left me for, now cohabit next door. Now I get to hear them screwing while I try to do my homework. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 01:31 - United States - Westfield

Today, my older brother called me ugly, and so I used the classic comeback ''It's not nice to talk about yourself like that." He responded by cutting the strings to my violin. FML

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Top comments

By illwill514 | 0

#613743 - Saturday 10 October 2009 20:11

that's stealing. ydi for sure

By mister_moops | 0

#613744 - Saturday 10 October 2009 20:12

wow, you asshole.

COMMENTS

By haha247 | 0

#613741 - Saturday 10 October 2009 20:11

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Quags377 | 0

#1490124 - Sunday 3 October 2010 5:25

You sir, are a complete failure

Reply

candygirl98 | 0

#1678969 - Wednesday 10 November 2010 21:06

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Reply

bigassfish97 | 0

#2867229 - Monday 11 July 2011 16:19

you fail

Reply

missabbey | 3

#4477782 - Thursday 24 May 2012 23:10

Really?? That is soo getting annoying

Reply

xxreikoxx | 31

#6130397 - Saturday 29 November 2014 20:35

Nobody cares about you being first!

By illwill514 | 0

#613743 - Saturday 10 October 2009 20:11

that's stealing. ydi for sure

Reply

worlds123dumbest | 4

#4896133 - Tuesday 4 September 2012 23:07

OP, I have two words for you. KARMA BITCH!!!

By mister_moops | 0

#613744 - Saturday 10 October 2009 20:12

wow, you asshole.

Reply

glutgyoogle | 6

#3821907 - Monday 2 January 2012 23:25

You're a flaming doucher. Aintcha?

By badumdum | 0

#613745 - Saturday 10 October 2009 20:12

that was pretty selfish....

By ikepela | 0

#613751 - Saturday 10 October 2009 20:14

If it didn't belong to you, and someone was calling after you for it, don't you think you really should have turned around and gave it to them? Gotta agree with everyone else.. that was pretty selfish.

Reply

Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#613850 - Saturday 10 October 2009 21:01

Yeah me too. And didn't you think that if they were calling after you, they would have seen you pocket the money? What did you just expect them to let you have it?

By justmeagirl | 0

#613753 - Saturday 10 October 2009 20:14

I like when douchebags get punished by karma.

By GreenDayRHCP | 0

#613765 - Saturday 10 October 2009 20:20

You're so dumb. You DEFINITELY deserve it. I hate selfish people like you.

By haweb | 0

#613771 - Saturday 10 October 2009 20:22

Karma's a bitch, just like you.

By Mulada | 0

#613781 - Saturday 10 October 2009 20:25

I'm all for "Finders keepers" but when a guy is calling for the money, he obviously didn't lose it. That was a pretty bitchy thing to do.

By Duckasaurus | 0

#613789 - Saturday 10 October 2009 20:32

"Finders keepers" doesn't work for theft, bro.