Love: Today, I was hit by a car. I called my girlfriend from the hospital... - FML

By man - United States

Today, I was hit by a car. I called my girlfriend from the hospital and asked her if she could pick me up. She responded by saying "Fuck you, you aways tell me what to do!" and hung up. FML

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Family values

Mother of the year

The ole answer/forward conundrum

By Jobless - 28/3/2020 14:00

The Times They Are a-Changin'

Today, I woke up early, felt very energetic, decided to run a couple of miles and bought muffins for my colleagues on my way to the office. Then my boss told me they're shutting us down. At the end of a day that started really great, I'm jobless. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom found my dildo, and got so angry that she beat me with it. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, while walking to my flat, I spotted something white hanging over the handle bar of my parked bike. It was a very used diaper. FML

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By #MurrayShow

Today, my son was finally born. He was the perfect weight, as healthy as can be, and has his father’s dark, chocolate complexion. At least I’m guessing so, since both my wife and I are white. FML

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By elmalo68 - United States

Today, I must find a gentle way to tell my 71-year-old mother that she's too old to be wearing shirts that expose her belly. FML

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By WellThere'sThat

Today, I got a big math test back. Good news: I can connect abstract ideas beyond what was taught. Bad news: I can’t do simple math, such as 30/-5. I failed. FML

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By Electronotfriend - Poland

Today, I was walking in the mountains when I tripped, I grabbed onto the fence in an attempt to soften my fall. The fence was electric. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to get my first tattoo. When I told the man that I wanted Tinkerbell on my lower back area. He snorted and told me that I was way too old to have Tinkerbell on me, and that Disney characters are only cute on people 35 and younger. I'm 23. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my mom doesn't know my phone number, but she does know the names of both of David Hasselhoff's daughters. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Call Mario

Today, I was making out with a guy in a washroom at a party. Things got heavy and the guy lifted me onto the sink. The sink broke off from the wall. This caused a flood in the apartment. The party was canceled. FML

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By fuckmuppet - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I came down with diarrhea thanks to a particularly low-class restaurant. My dad has been making constant stupid puns like "pretty shitty state you're in" and "this day and age, you just don't expect this crap". I'm at the point where I want to gouge his eyes out with a goddamn spoon. FML

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By oralMistake - United States

Today, I failed an oral speech because "I didn't look up once." The problem was, every time I looked up, my teacher looked down. Every time I looked down, she looked up. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Liverpool

Today, early in the morning, I got a knock on the door from the police. It seems my son and his friend had been caught throwing toilet paper at a neighbour's house. He's 23. FML

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By Reek - United States

Today, I told my friend I'm going vegetarian. He's now calling me "Reek" after the guy from Game of Thrones, because I'm apparently a "dickless loser" now. FML

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By twinzies - United States - Chula Vista

Today, there's a new freshman at my school that looks exactly like me. Whenever we see her, my friends shout "Twinzies!" I don't have anything against her, but I'm bummed because I'm a male senior. FML

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By kaichennnxx - United States

Today, I was with my grandma waiting in a line. She only speaks Chinese and there was a black man in front of us talking his phone. My grandma tells me that the black man's really loud and annoying. The man finishes and turns and said fluently in Chinese, "What's wrong with loud black men?" FML

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By Anonymous

No internet, just cuddles

Today, my cat decided that the best place for her to pee was over the surge protector where my modem, router, and printer are plugged in. FML

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By Awesome - Russian Federation

Today, I found out that I was moving to Germany. I'm going to be put back a year in school because of the system change. I also don't speak a word of German. Why? Because my mother wants to brag about this experience to her friends. FML

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By Briana Bettis

Don't dip your pen in company ink, etc.

Today, after 2 years of searching, I finally have a job that I love. Now I'm probably going to lose it because I started having sex with one of my managers, and our coworkers are starting to catch on. They caught on pretty much the day I told him that we should stop having sex so we wouldn't lose our jobs. FML

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By anamanaguchi

Today, a 6th grader came up to me and told me I have the smallest breasts in the class. I'm their teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2020 20:01

Clean break

Today, I simultaneously learned that fracturing your penis is a thing that can happen while my wife fractured mine in the middle of some rough reverse cowgirl. My penis is now black and blue with an almost 90 degree bend, and to make it worse the ambulance guys thought it was funny. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, instead of waking up to soft sunlight creeping in the window or the gentle trill of birds, I was awakened by the sound of my dog vomiting all over my bed. FML

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By - France

Today, I am spending new year absolutely alone. My girlfriend canceled our plans the day before so she could spend it with alcohol and strangers. Somehow, I still love her. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2020 19:58

Be prepared

Today, I'm in Ibiza. My period came early and had nothing but face masks to use as sanitary towels. Then, the closest thing to period knickers I could find was in a souvenir shop, which on the arse reads, "What happens in Ibiza belongs in Ibiza." FML

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By CaoiiBieber - Ireland

Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rocky Mount

Today, I had to sit through the wedding of my best friend and the love of my life, and pretend to be happy for them. FML

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By BearMan - United States

Today, I decided to come out to a co-worker. She looked at me, then laughed, and said, "You can't be gay, you're fat!" FML

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By EmmaleeSupertramp - United States

Today, it was the first dress rehearsal at a community theater. I'm playing a grandma to a bunch of little kids, and the guy who is playing the grandpa wears a fat suit. I put on my costume and one of the kids comes up to me and says, "Are you wearing a fat suit too?" and pokes my stomach. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my biology teacher asked the class a question, so I raised my hand and after I gave my answer, my teacher said, "You know, you have a voice for radio. It's very deep." I replied with "Do I? Thanks!" He added, "You also have the face for radio." The whole class laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pasadena

Today, after having to call in a noise complaint about my downstairs neighbors talking loud past midnight, the managers fixed the problem. Now all I can hear is two little girls who like to throw a basketball at the building for hours. FML

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By potheadloljk - United States - East Machias

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house when I got a call from my parents. They told me to come home immediately. Panicking, I rushed home. My dad pulled out a clear tube filled with dried leaves. They accused me of having marijuana. It was catnip for my kitten. FML

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By fmlfmlfml - United States

Today, I was taking a nap. Apparently, my two year old daughter decided to crawl on top of the covers on my bed because she was scared since there was a thunder storm. I thought she was one of our cats so I kicked her off. She hit the wall. FML

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By stupidprankster - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to scare my dad for once, since he has scared me for fun dozens of times. It would have been funny, had he not punched me in the face. FML

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By jake - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I forgot it was her birthday. We had only been dating for 2 weeks. I didn't even know when it was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancée got married. I did not. FML

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By nerderer - United States - Duluth

Today, after frantically searching my house and office and calling every place I'd visited in the last 24 hours, I finally found my phone in my fridge. FML

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By Rachael - Australia

Today, I was woken up by my elderly neighbor banging on my door at 2am. She needed "urgent" assistance as she had forgotten how to turn her TV off. I'd just fallen asleep. FML

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By mybad - United States

Today, a customer brought her kids into the store where I work. I like to make people laugh so being my usual joking self I kidded "Why aren't those kids in school?". She didn't laugh when she said that their house burned down the night before and the kids had no clothes to wear to school. FML

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By frownyface - United States

Today, my family and I were burning our Christmas tree. For a laugh, my dad jokingly pushed me toward the fire. I tripped, and my doctor says the burns are probably going to scar. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Winston Salem

Today, my coworker and I were discussing our office's lack of break room, and how we should suggest a picnic table for our upcoming landscaping. We concluded that someone would let their dog steal our lunches if we ate outside. Working at the vet's sucks. FML

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Top comments

By cinnamania | 3

#180865 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:52

Oh, wow.
She's lovely.

By Luckster | 0

#180906 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:59

Bitches like that make me ashamed to be a woman.

Time for her to become an Ex.

I hope you're well!

COMMENTS

By cinnamania | 3

#180865 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:52

Oh, wow.
She's lovely.

Reply

KiSsKiZzy | 0

#527871 - Monday 31 August 2009 0:27

That is fucking funny!!! Lmao!

Reply

michael32123 | 0

#833861 - Monday 8 February 2010 6:35

it's cause she's the woman in the relationship. we tell them what to do and hopefully they never leave the kitchen where they are supposed to be

Reply

mrstomkaulitz | 0

#1030594 - Tuesday 15 June 2010 5:40

stop telling her what to do you selfish bastard!!! jkjkjk lol

Reply

toqwert | 0

#3228334 - Saturday 3 September 2011 16:32

Bitch alert! Bitch alert! Bitch alert! Initiating dump procedure... No but seriously, give up she's not worth it.

Reply

Jezlovespink | 5

#4012002 - Thursday 9 February 2012 5:17

Thats y op u dont cry wolf....ddnt u learn that wen u were little??? Get it

By Futt_Buck | 0

#180871 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:52

what a relationship...

Reply

DarkPrince_fml | 0

#930402 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 0:29

run her over and drive away and if she moans heelllpppp then you say fk you don't tell me what to do spit on her and drive away

Reply

tuxedoandex | 28

#6151293 - Monday 22 December 2014 19:01

are you ok

By minorixxxx | 0

#180881 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:54

Whoa, harsh dude. That's just messed up.

By thunder24 | 0

#180884 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:54

Wow dump that girl! She obviously doesn't care about u to much. Sorry bro

By ThotBoutTheGame | 0

#180888 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:55

are you sure she heard the part about you being in the hospital?

By eastsidehippie | 0

#180890 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:56

Wrong time of the month dude.

By Just94 | 0

#180892 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:56

She must have had a reason to say that. DO you always tell her what to do?

By ASatanistHobo | 0

#180893 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:56

Dump that bitch

By Luckster | 0

#180906 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:59

Bitches like that make me ashamed to be a woman.

Time for her to become an Ex.

I hope you're well!

Reply

laurieloulou | 0

#2761326 - Sunday 26 June 2011 6:48

Maybe he is a bit rude to begin with to cause her to say that.

Reply

cp399 | 14

#6228450 - Wednesday 11 March 2015 4:29

That's like saying that rapists make you ashamed to have sex. I don't see how her being a woman has anything to do with it.

By asxp10 | 0

#180912 - Saturday 9 May 2009 3:00

What a bitch.

Why do you date her?