Today, I was hit by a car. I called my girlfriend from the hospital... - FML

By man - 8/5/2009 21:46 - United States

Today, I was hit by a car. I called my girlfriend from the hospital and asked her if she could pick me up. She responded by saying "Fuck you, you aways tell me what to do!" and hung up. FML

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Instadrama

Season finale

Race against the clock

By Alice - 27/5/2011 05:46 - Australia

Today, I made a fresh juice for a customer. He called the cops because the juice was too acidic for him. He sat in a corner and waited for two hours for them to arrive. Obviously, they didn't turn up. So he yelled at me and left. FML

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By ppp - 14/9/2011 04:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a gift. A half-used bottle of body lotion that belonged to his dead wife. FML

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By muffin - 16/7/2013 12:01 - Austria

Today, I baked strawberry muffins for my family, putting half a strawberry on each of them. Only when it was too late did I realize that they looked like extremely creepy breasts. FML

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By This guy - 21/2/2016 02:53 - United States - Jackson

Today, my teacher gave me a 0% on my personal narrative in my writing class. His only comment on the whole paper was, "Too long, didn't read." FML

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By Pimpleeater - 20/12/2011 07:45 - New Zealand

Today, I found out that, when mad at us, my son picks the tops off his shoulder-pimples and sprinkles them in our food. FML

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By what... - 15/9/2013 18:47 - United States - North Port

Today, my boss took me to one side and said, "Cross me like that ever again, and you're fired." I have no clue what he was talking about, and he denies ever having said a word to me. FML

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By Daddy_issues - 2/6/2018 05:00

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of four years. She took the opportunity to tell me that she's pregnant. With my half-brother. FML

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By ribbonsundone - 6/1/2010 10:07 - United States

Today, I treated my friends to lunch at a posh restaurant because it's my birthday. While we were walking leisurely around the mall afterwards, their boyfriends showed up. I spent the next few hours walking alone behind them while they were walking hand in hand with their boyfriends. FML

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By LifeFucksUsAll - 19/8/2009 19:44 - Canada

Today, I was on a date with a guy, we were sitting in a restaurant having a fairly good conversation, when I had to go to the washroom. I left the table and when I came back, he was gone. Along with my wallet and car keys. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2010 01:57 - United States

Today, I found out everybody at work thinks I'm a lesbian because they thought my boyfriend was a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2013 16:12 - United States - Modesto

Today, my boyfriend's freshly-repainted car got keyed. He's literally more of an inconsolable wreck now than he was when his own mother passed away last year. When I tried hinting that he was overreacting, he told me to go to hell. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2011 00:17 - United States

Today, I realized my mom cares more about Kurt's bullying problem on Glee than she does for mine. FML

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By photoman - 14/7/2014 09:31 - Austria - Vienna

Today, I was informed by a laughing friend, that my phone must be taking and uploading photos to Google+. Among numerous black shots, there is a particularly nice one of me while I'm sitting on the toilet. FML

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By extraflavour - 23/12/2009 20:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a local take-away and ordered a pizza. I watched the worker get my pizza out the oven, then wipe the pizza cutter on the trash bin to get rid of the last pizza's toppings, and then cut my pizza. FML

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By AlwaysTired - 14/9/2016 14:57 - United States

Today, marks the third time this month my parents came to visit. I moved 5 hours away to get away from them. FML

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By brbkillingmyself - 8/8/2015 22:52 - United States

Today, in the second week of August, hell has come to earth; my mom has been playing Christmas music all afternoon and is already searching online for decorations. I hope she buys a length of rope to go with them, because I've already given up on life. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2020 14:00

Littered

Today, I'm on crutches and wearing an orthopedic boot because a 22.5 pound box of cat litter fell out of my back hatch onto my foot. FML

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By "penne_pasta580802" - 23/1/2020 14:00

Ultimately

Today, I decided to take my car to work as I had some errands to do after. I only live a few blocks away. After driving round to find a car park for ages, the closest car park available was outside my house. I ended up walking to work instead. FML

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By charliesangel123 - 21/2/2010 17:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I was waiting downstairs at my boyfriend's house as he got ready to go. His mom came over and said she was so glad her son had met me, that I made him really happy. I smiled thinking how nice that was of her to say. She then continued, "Still, he tells me anal is a no?" FML

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By Jelly_Hell - 3/11/2016 20:24

Today, I almost got hit by a car because the kid in the back who was wearing headphones was paying more attention to the road than the driver. He only just stopped her. FML

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By Noname - 18/2/2009 02:52 - United States

Today, my brother joked that our dog was more attractive than I was. I looked to my mom for support, and she said "Well, she is pure bred." FML

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By really - 5/6/2016 21:40 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, a customer at work was having hiccups, so I suggest that she should try to hold her breath for a while. Ten minutes later, she's talking to my manager about how I wanted her to "kill myself because of my severe medical condition". FML

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By _dopey_ - 17/5/2009 17:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I spilt boiling tea all over my stomach and left leg, so I went to the hospital to get it checked out. They said I wouldn't be able to expose it to the sun for the next two months. I'm going to Barbados tomorrow. FML

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By queenmeme - 8/10/2014 06:02 - United States - Redlands

Today, I showed my mom a picture of a baby sloth. She then said, "Wait, sloths are real?" She thought Ice Age made them up. FML

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By choldcreations - 7/3/2010 14:12 - United States

Today, I was eating pizza with my girlfriend. She got sauce on the corner of her mouth so I tried to be sexy and lick it off. It wasn't sauce, it was a cluster of zits. FML

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By XxHinkaixX - 1/8/2010 02:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking through an old photo album of mine. I turned to a page with a picture of me on my last day of college. I thought the picture was quite nice. He turned to me and said, "Don't worry, I take bad pictures too." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2009 19:01 - United States

Today, at my wedding reception, my father began his speech with "Well, I never, ever thought that this day would come," at which point the entire room, including my new husband, broke into a round of enthusiastic applause. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2010 00:12 - United States

Today, I was on Craigslist looking for a new guitar. I found the diamond earrings and necklace set I gave to my girlfriend last year. She wants 50 bucks for them. FML

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By dinosaur - 10/1/2011 10:35 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend decided it would be fun to sit on my lap. In the process he landed on me so hard that he made me hit my head. Then when he turned around his elbow smacked into my nose causing it to break. FML

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By ethawesome1125 - 3/11/2014 00:11 - United States - Round Rock

Today, I found a $20 bill on the ground, so I decided to pick it up. It was actually attached to a string and was meant to be a prank by some kids. They failed miserably, so I took the money. They ran up to me and punched me in the balls for taking their cash. FML

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By kernewek - 26/5/2011 21:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at work, nonchalantly spinning my keys around my finger when they flew off and hit a glass cabinet. Broken glass showered passing customers. I don't think I'll have a job to go to tomorrow. FML

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By phones - 16/1/2015 17:09 - United States

Today, I accidentally spilled a big glass of water on the table, where I had some papers, my cellphone, and a box of donuts. With lightning reflexes, my sister heroically jumped forward and saved the donuts. FML

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By MC - 14/5/2009 14:11 - Canada

Today, while working at a children's day camp, one of the kids who is allergic to peanuts went into anaphylactic shock. I ran and grabbed the boys eppe pen. I was holding it backwards so the injection went into my hand, causing me to pass out and both of us to be rushed to hospital. FML

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By IrNatalie - 2/6/2015 08:59 - United States - Laveen

Today, a customer yelled at me because the cherry pie he bought had cherries in it, and he wanted a refund. FML

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By hustled - 24/8/2012 00:05 - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I found out my girlfriend is only with me because I'm a mechanic and I fix her constantly broken-down car for free. FML

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By MM - 2/2/2012 14:50

Today, I had to give my husband a tutorial on how to use jumper cables. Confused and flustered, he requested written instructions. FML

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By Killmenow - 11/2/2009 14:08 - United Kingdom

Today, having just told me what a great job I've been doing and how he'd really like to start giving me some more responsibility, my boss asked me if I'd sharpen a couple of pencils for him. FML

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By Mr_poole - 18/5/2013 20:06 - United States - Castle Rock

Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time. I was really excited to introduce her to my parents, until we found my mother waving around a wooden sword, and my father trying to shove my sister into the dryer. FML

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By Confused - 16/4/2014 04:13 - United States - Irvine

Today, I met up with an old friend of mine who acts in a TV show. I hadn't seen him in a long time, but I'd been watching episodes of the show almost daily, so when he showed up I could only see him as his TV character and not as my friend. I ended up calling him by his character's name. FML

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By xharmonyx - 24/4/2012 08:29 - United States

Today, I paid for someone else's pee so that I could pass my drug test. I didn't pass the drug test. FML

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Top comments

By cinnamania | 3

#180865 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:52

Oh, wow.
She's lovely.

By Luckster | 0

#180906 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:59

Bitches like that make me ashamed to be a woman.

Time for her to become an Ex.

I hope you're well!

COMMENTS

By cinnamania | 3

#180865 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:52

Oh, wow.
She's lovely.

Reply

KiSsKiZzy | 0

#527871 - Monday 31 August 2009 0:27

That is fucking funny!!! Lmao!

Reply

michael32123 | 0

#833861 - Monday 8 February 2010 6:35

it's cause she's the woman in the relationship. we tell them what to do and hopefully they never leave the kitchen where they are supposed to be

Reply

mrstomkaulitz | 0

#1030594 - Tuesday 15 June 2010 5:40

stop telling her what to do you selfish bastard!!! jkjkjk lol

Reply

toqwert | 0

#3228334 - Saturday 3 September 2011 16:32

Bitch alert! Bitch alert! Bitch alert! Initiating dump procedure... No but seriously, give up she's not worth it.

Reply

Jezlovespink | 5

#4012002 - Thursday 9 February 2012 5:17

Thats y op u dont cry wolf....ddnt u learn that wen u were little??? Get it

By Futt_Buck | 0

#180871 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:52

what a relationship...

Reply

DarkPrince_fml | 0

#930402 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 0:29

run her over and drive away and if she moans heelllpppp then you say fk you don't tell me what to do spit on her and drive away

Reply

tuxedoandex | 28

#6151293 - Monday 22 December 2014 19:01

are you ok

By minorixxxx | 0

#180881 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:54

Whoa, harsh dude. That's just messed up.

By thunder24 | 0

#180884 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:54

Wow dump that girl! She obviously doesn't care about u to much. Sorry bro

By ThotBoutTheGame | 0

#180888 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:55

are you sure she heard the part about you being in the hospital?

By eastsidehippie | 0

#180890 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:56

Wrong time of the month dude.

By Just94 | 0

#180892 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:56

She must have had a reason to say that. DO you always tell her what to do?

By ASatanistHobo | 0

#180893 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:56

Dump that bitch

By Luckster | 0

#180906 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:59

Bitches like that make me ashamed to be a woman.

Time for her to become an Ex.

I hope you're well!

Reply

laurieloulou | 0

#2761326 - Sunday 26 June 2011 6:48

Maybe he is a bit rude to begin with to cause her to say that.

Reply

cp399 | 14

#6228450 - Wednesday 11 March 2015 4:29

That's like saying that rapists make you ashamed to have sex. I don't see how her being a woman has anything to do with it.

By asxp10 | 0

#180912 - Saturday 9 May 2009 3:00

What a bitch.

Why do you date her?