Love: Today, I was hit by a car. I called my girlfriend from the hospital... - FML

By man - United States

Today, I was hit by a car. I called my girlfriend from the hospital and asked her if she could pick me up. She responded by saying "Fuck you, you aways tell me what to do!" and hung up. FML

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Messed up

Leave me out of it

Need warmth

By Anonymous

Cockstepblocked

Today, while rushing upstairs to have sex, I tripped on the stairs and rammed my naked boner into the edge of the step. All my wife could do is laugh at me. Now it even hurts to pee or put my trousers on. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went on a date. I went to the bathroom for five minutes and returned to find my date had not only left, but poured ketchup all over our food to ruin it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after me and my boyfriend had pretty much amazing sex, he took off the condom and started swinging it back and forth, all while making the sounds of a clock and saying, "You are getting sleepy." FML

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By pinky - United Kingdom

Today, my 5 month old son decided that my lip ring was a toy. Thinking it would be ok, I let him touch it. He got his finger caught and pulled his hand back. The lip ring is still in, but now I have a huge gaping hole in my face. FML

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By desperategurl - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was so desperate for any kind of male romantic attention that I googled "prison pen pals", and I'm considering writing to one. FML

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By skyhawk13 - United States

Today, at my school's Midnight Madness, I was selected to show my school spirit in a contest. Being drunk, I decided to hump the school mascot in front of 300 people. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my dad came to pick me up. It would have been nicer if he'd had his clothes on. FML

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By tasian14 - 1/1/2021 17:01

Here's to a better year

Today, my boyfriend of 6 years decided on New Year's Eve to get on his knees and tell me that he cheated on me with his ex, and they're getting back together. Yay last day of 2020! FML

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By pleasedtomeetyou - United Kingdom

Today, I met my boyfriend's notoriously difficult mother. I had been looking forward to meeting her and making a good impression. Unfortunately, I could not greet her as her son's penis was still in my mouth. FML

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By heatherjo - United States

Apron strings

Today, my fiancé told me he wants to buy an engagement ring for his mother, so that she doesn't feel left out. FML

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By Embarrassed daughter.. - United States

Today, for the Superbowl halftime show, my mom was blasting the TV, dancing, and singing along to Bruce Springsteen in front of me and my boyfriend. FML

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By Poordaughter5 - Germany

Today, my parents watched a horror movie with some creepy child in it. Apparently, I sound just like that kid when I call for my mom, so now she doesn't want me to call her mom anymore. FML

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By mags - United States

Today, I told my dad I was leaving to get some beauty sleep. He looked at me laughing and said "See you in a decade." FML

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By Nicole - United States

Today, I caught my little brother peeping at my friend getting dressed in the bathroom. When I asked him what he was doing he said "I'm just doing what Ray does to you while you're in the bathroom." Ray is my new step dad. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up excited to go trick-or-treating, the treat being candy. Instead, my town has officially postponed Halloween due to blackouts. I guess this is where the trick comes in. FML

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By Bento - United States

Today, I had to write a huge lab for my physics class. It's worth my entire quarter grade and I use a program on a CD for graphing. My mom thought it was a computer game and hid the CD. She can't find it. The lab's due tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I noticed a rash of insect bites on the backs of my thighs and buttocks. Upon further investigation, it appears that the inside of the chair in my work cubicle is infested with bedbugs. I'm too paranoid to sit in any work chair now. There are 12 hours left in my shift. FML

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By americanized - Denmark

Today, I helped two people find the central station on my way home. As a thank you, they mugged me and stole my wallet and iPod Touch. FML

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By moneycatious - United States - Seattle

Today, I gave my husband an expensive watch. The first words out of his mouth were, "You didn't use our joint bank account for this, right?" He then asked if I still had the receipt. FML

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By Sios - United States - Louisville

Today, I found out that my apartment complex has no rules against having charcoal grills on the porch. So did the guy who lives below me. FML

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By sucks - United States

Today, I decided to tell my mom about my choice to wait to have sex until after marriage. Coming from a very christian family I thought she would be proud. Instead she laughed and said, "is that your excuse for not being able to get laid?" and walked out of the room. FML

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By not a cheater - 4/7/2021 15:01 - United States

Startled

Today, I was writing in a journal as part of my therapy. I jumped and hid it when my boyfriend startled me by coming in. He now swears I must be cheating, that I’m keeping secrets from him and I trust a stranger with my personal thoughts more than I trust him. That’s kinda the point of therapy. FML

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By demonporn - 4/12/2020 11:01

Snitch

Today, I was riding home from church with my parents when my mom turned around and told me that this morning there was a demon in our living room, and the reason that demon was allowed inside of our house was because I've been watching porn. I'm grounded for 3 weeks because of an informative demon. FML

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By Miscellaneous - United Kingdom

Today, I went in for an interview with a firm where I'd done some interning before. After shaking hands with both the directors, I went to shake hands with one of the director's wives, who also works there. Turns out she was going for a hug and kiss on the cheek. I ended up kissing her on the lips. FML

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By Kalaina - France

Today, I received a three-time forwarded message which I thought would turn out to be a random chain message. Turns out my boyfriend didn't want to send me the "break-up text" himself and figured it would get to me eventually after sending it to all my best friends. FML

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By Eh... - Ukraine

Today, my boss asked me if I know anything about those tattoos that girl put on their lower backs. "You mean Tramp Stamps?" I responded. He looked at me with hatred in his eyes and said that his 18 year old daughter just got one. FML

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By adieuvelib - France

Today, I was struggling to cycle up a steep hill. A guy heading past me on a scooter said I'd lost something. I stopped and looked back. Seeing nothing, I asked him what I lost. He replied, "Your momentum!" FML

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By sorrynotsorry - United States - Vancouver

Today, a customer told my boss I was too pushy because I asked her what bra size she wears. I work at a lingerie store. I got a stern lecture from my boss. FML

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By SecondTimesACharm - 28/2/2021 17:01 - United States - Woodstock

Is that how it works?

Today, I tested positive for COVID… again. This pandemic has been going on for so long that after 11 months, my natural immunity has apparently worn off. I'm in the next group for the vaccine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Little Rock

Today, after a long couple of months working non-stop, I finally got someone to cover my shift. Turns out she was joking, and when I didn't show up for work, I had been fired. FML

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By Chlo

Today, I went on a first date. We had the same phone, and we'd put them down next to each other on the table. I get a message and we both look. It’s my period tracker telling me to be careful, because the flood gates are opening. FML

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By mark - United States

Shower sex time?

Today, my wife was about to take a shower, when she called me into the bathroom. She stripped me off and pulled me in with her. As I started to get into it, she sighed, "Thank god. You really needed a shower." FML

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By anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, we've hit day 4 with no hot water in my apartment. Today is also day 4 of the office insisting that the plumber is "on his way". My neighbor just got arrested for screaming at them. Looks like we'll be entering day 5 soon. FML

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By Ugly - United States - Jerseyville

Today, I went to my high school reunion. Someone walked up to me and said, "Wow, you look so different!" She then followed it up with, "You used to be so pretty, what happened?" FML

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By Deanna

Rumble in the night

Today, I spent the night with in a hotel with my boyfriend's parents, because I went with them to visit him in Atlanta. This morning when I woke up, the first thing they said to me was, "Wow, you're a small girl but you snore like a man." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 20:01

Regret…

Today, I searched my ex-boyfriend on Facebook while my husband slept. He recently got engaged. I regret everything. FML

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By Renna303

Today, I dropped my 6-month-old $3,500 guitar. Luckily, it had a one year warranty from the store so I drove back. It was shut down. FML

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By ouharguohargssdf - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, my wife made me go with her to dinner with her parents, despite their long-standing hatred of me. Later on, my mother-in-law muttered to me, "I made yours special for ya", smirked, then made a show of scratching at her butt-crack. FML

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By Notgoodenough - 11/3/2021 23:01

No Future

Today, my ex-boyfriend, who lived in Tennessee, moved to Georgia to be with his long-distance girlfriend. I live in Georgia too, and last year he broke up with me after two years together because he “didn’t see a future in Georgia” to be with me. FML

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By FYouBoyfriend - United States

Today, my boyfriend questioned why I always put my shirts in the dryer right before wearing them. I told him it was because the dryer causes my shirts to regain their form and tightness. His response: "You should throw your vagina in there along with them." FML

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Top comments

By cinnamania | 3

#180865 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:52

Oh, wow.
She's lovely.

By Luckster | 0

#180906 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:59

Bitches like that make me ashamed to be a woman.

Time for her to become an Ex.

I hope you're well!

COMMENTS

By cinnamania | 3

#180865 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:52

Oh, wow.
She's lovely.

Reply

KiSsKiZzy | 0

#527871 - Monday 31 August 2009 0:27

That is fucking funny!!! Lmao!

Reply

michael32123 | 0

#833861 - Monday 8 February 2010 6:35

it's cause she's the woman in the relationship. we tell them what to do and hopefully they never leave the kitchen where they are supposed to be

Reply

mrstomkaulitz | 0

#1030594 - Tuesday 15 June 2010 5:40

stop telling her what to do you selfish bastard!!! jkjkjk lol

Reply

toqwert | 0

#3228334 - Saturday 3 September 2011 16:32

Bitch alert! Bitch alert! Bitch alert! Initiating dump procedure... No but seriously, give up she's not worth it.

Reply

Jezlovespink | 5

#4012002 - Thursday 9 February 2012 5:17

Thats y op u dont cry wolf....ddnt u learn that wen u were little??? Get it

By Futt_Buck | 0

#180871 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:52

what a relationship...

Reply

DarkPrince_fml | 0

#930402 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 0:29

run her over and drive away and if she moans heelllpppp then you say fk you don't tell me what to do spit on her and drive away

Reply

tuxedoandex | 28

#6151293 - Monday 22 December 2014 19:01

are you ok

By minorixxxx | 0

#180881 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:54

Whoa, harsh dude. That's just messed up.

By thunder24 | 0

#180884 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:54

Wow dump that girl! She obviously doesn't care about u to much. Sorry bro

By ThotBoutTheGame | 0

#180888 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:55

are you sure she heard the part about you being in the hospital?

By eastsidehippie | 0

#180890 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:56

Wrong time of the month dude.

By Just94 | 0

#180892 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:56

She must have had a reason to say that. DO you always tell her what to do?

By ASatanistHobo | 0

#180893 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:56

Dump that bitch

By Luckster | 0

#180906 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:59

Bitches like that make me ashamed to be a woman.

Time for her to become an Ex.

I hope you're well!

Reply

laurieloulou | 0

#2761326 - Sunday 26 June 2011 6:48

Maybe he is a bit rude to begin with to cause her to say that.

Reply

cp399 | 14

#6228450 - Wednesday 11 March 2015 4:29

That's like saying that rapists make you ashamed to have sex. I don't see how her being a woman has anything to do with it.

By asxp10 | 0

#180912 - Saturday 9 May 2009 3:00

What a bitch.

Why do you date her?