Today, I was having a dream about Chris Pratt. Instead of having...

By BrittUnicorn - United States - Morristown

Today, I was having a dream about Chris Pratt. Instead of having a sexy dream that I would have enjoyed, I dreamt he was a supervisor at my work. He kept telling me how much I sucked. FML

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Intimacy

Instadrama

Not now!

Freshman blues

By 1D-107 - United States - Logan

Today, I was babysitting three kids, one of whom was particularly difficult to control. While trying to get him to behave, the two girls came up behind me and pulled my pants down. In front of a huge window open to the street below. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, after disappearing for an unusually long period of time, my boss called the store phone while sitting on the toilet. Turns out she'd started bleeding uncontrollably from the arse, and as the only other female staff member, she needed me to go help her. FML

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By fuck the man-dominated construction business - Finland - Helsinki

Today, I won an argument against a sexist co-worker. When I left later on, I jumped into my car to drive home, but managed to reverse it into a parked excavator. Guess who's going to hear virginal jokes about women drivers from now on. FML

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By I pick em' good - United States

Today, I found out why my husband has been coming home from work so late. Turns out he loves to help people. Specifically female people. And by help, I mean sleep with. FML

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By MonCoiffeurAdoré

Today, I caught my stylist in the mirror attempting to get his colleague to laugh by spitting on my head while washing my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out what unwashed, warty feet taste like after someone kicked me in the mouth with one. FML

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By wtf mom - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, my very drunk mom called me to confess that she was the girl that my boyfriend left me for two years ago. FML

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By hedgehog5 - United States

Today, I found out my blood type is B. My parents are type A and type O. It's not genetically possible to be blood type B if your parents are A and O. This means I am either an adoptee, a mutant, or an illegitimate child. FML

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By G - United States

Today, my dad came to confiscate my phone. I stuck it in between my boobs so he wouldn't be able to see it. He said, "Honey, your breasts aren't big enough to hide that." FML

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By anonymous - United States - Lowell

Today, I was taking a hike through the Appalachians. I lost my balance in a steep area, and grabbed for a root along the trail above me. It turned to not be a root, but a large, angry snake. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was at my job at an old folks home, and I was cleaning off a table when one old lady looks up at me and says "I've been a dirty dirty girl" in a seductive tone, I thought she meant about the table so I said "yes you have" then she winked at me, I walked away fast. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spring

Today, after having a pretty rough day, I decided a nice, hot shower would be great. Ten minutes in, the shower head apparently couldn't take the water pressure anymore, and it flew off and hit me in the face. FML

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By ThatsNotRight - United States

Today, while I was babysitting my nephews, the 7 year old boy walked up to me and asked if I was a lesbian. I laughed it off. An argument ensued about my sexuality for a good two hours. I lost. FML

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By gooddeedgonebad - Australia - Upper Swan

Today, I helped an elderly woman carry her suitcase down a flight of stairs. When I got to the bottom, a man tackled me to the ground thinking I was stealing the woman's luggage. As I lay in pain, he ran up the stairs to return the suitcase and the poor woman had to carry it down on her own. FML

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By toriforever - United States

Today, I have to pack for tomorrow's family vacation. For one week I get to be stuck in a one bedroom cabin with my alcoholic father, bipolar mother, and two much younger siblings who have a passion for screaming. FML

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By blahhlovely_30 - United States

Today, I lost my cat. It's deaf, so no matter what I do it can't hear me. FML

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By NotAGoodStart - 7/3/2020 14:00 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Fashion Week

Today, I went on a blind date, meeting up in a park. I got there first and sat down to wait for him. After a while, a guy sat down next to me. I wasn't sure if it was him, so I texted him, asking if he'd arrived. His response was, "I'm already here, sat to the left of the old woman dressed like a gypsy." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a group of carolers was coming up my street, so I went out in the cold to wait for them. When they finally arrived, I waved and greeted them. They huddled up discussing something while pointing at me, then skipped my house. FML

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By shakinmahbuttbutt - United States

Today, it's been two weeks since my parents went crazy with their attempts to save on the water bill. Every time I want to take a shower, I have to ask them first. Let's just say I've had to resort to taking sponge baths in public bathrooms to keep my B.O. under control. FML

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By sparklethelette - United States

Today, I put a blue toilet cleaner square in the back of toilet. My fiancé called me later on freaking out because he couldn't get the "blue water to go away" when he flushed. FML

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By jp_boards

Today, I went to the emergency room for a broken collarbone. This wouldn’t be so bad if my parents hadn’t paid $20,000 for me to go to a snowboarding academy all winter. Today was day one. FML

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By jsquared - United States

Today, my twin sister sent a nude picture to her boyfriend, who then forwarded it on to everyone else. Everyone else thinks it's me. FML

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By Ihatebuses

Today, while getting on a city bus, I sat down on a urine-soaked seat. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to check if my neighbours were home to return their dog, having looked after her for a few days. I looked in the window and the place was empty. They'd moved house and stuck us with their dog. FML

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By sneezeattack - United States - Aurora

Today, my boyfriend got so happy when he thought he'd finally given me an orgasm. I was covering an urge to sneeze. FML

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By a816090

Family portrait

Today, my boyfriend sent a picture of me posing with our dog to his family via a group text. Along with our 25" bong. FML

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By bubblegummm13 - Canada

Today, I got an email from my University informing me that I was invited to an exclusive dinner for 25 people. As I continued to read through the email, I discovered that I wasn't lucky or special, but that the dinner was for financially unstable students. They think I'm a charity case. FML

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By OutOfLuck - United States

Today, my professor informed me that if I didn't "show more commitment" to my choral ensemble he would give my spot to a "more interested young woman." I missed class to see my neurologist. Apparently my seizures are a symptom of lack of commitment. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Lakeville

Cash me?

Today, working in a liquor store, I had to tell a girl I couldn't sell her alcohol since she was severely intoxicated. She told me to "cash me ousside, how bow dat?" then smashed a bottle of wine and left. FML

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By Satan's Mum - United Kingdom - London

Today, to teach my 14-year-old son a serious lesson for bullying a child at school again, I grounded him for the rest of the year. He just snorted and said, "Cool, I'll just jack off all year then! Thanks, mum!" and happily retreated to his bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2020 14:00

The Shining

Today, I was babysitting my 4-year-old twin brothers yet again. I began to get desperate when they took my phone and would start crying every time I tried to take it back. My mother found me thirty minutes later, huddled in a corner, crying. I'm 27 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Antonio

Today, my husband told his parents that he was quitting his job so that he could focus on school. They asked him what he was going to do for money. When I told them that I'd be the one working, they took one look at me and burst into laughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Roanoke

Today, I woke up with a swollen lump on my throat. It's extremely painful. My dad named it Gretchen and now talks about it as if it's a person. FML

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By AJShow80 - United States

Today , I won 20 dollars on a lotto scratch off. My friend, pissed, makes me split the money saying its collateral for the gas money used to get us there. He then uses his 10 dollars on a scratch off, and wins 500 dollars. The jackass wouldnt split it. FML

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By poor teacher - United States - Syracuse

Today, at my job as a fourth grade teacher, I realized that most of my students have far nicer and more expensive phones than I can afford. FML

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By RedHatKat - United States - Burr Hill

Today, my dryer broke in the middle of drying my essential work clothes. This resulted in me wearing partially-dried pants to work today. As a nanny I have encountered diaper rashes before, just not on myself. FML

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By hdgyfjdzdfg - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I smell like his grandma's house. FML

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By NoFriends - United States

Today, I was with my mom and my boyfriend at lunch. My phone rings and my mom excitedly says "You have friends!" As I'm about to answer it, she pulls out her phone from under the table and says "Kidding, it's just me." My boyfriend starts cracking up, and they exchange a high five. FML

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By still laughing - United States - Providence

Today, I was going down on my boyfriend when he stood up on the bed to get a different experience. I started to get aggressive and pushed him up against the wall. I forgot our bed was on wheels and the bed started sliding away and his body slid down the wall. So much for being sexy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I introduced my dad, who is a surgeon, to the TV show House. I thought it'd be a good bonding experience. How wrong I was. He spent the whole time yelling about the "insane" medical inaccuracies, then lectured me about my crappy taste in TV. FML

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Top comments

By kaylizs | 20

#6342356 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:23

Any dream about Chris Pratt is a wet dream.

By jet223 | 20

#6342364 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:27

Well it depends on what you were sucking on. It could have still been a sexy dream.

COMMENTS

By kaylizs | 20

#6342356 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:23

Any dream about Chris Pratt is a wet dream.

invadermaythe1st | 35

#6342372 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:35

He probably wanted her to suck something else ;)

pabj208 | 23

#6342451 - Monday 6 July 2015 20:25

Sounds like he was a bit of a Pratt.

jackipdoc | 31

#6342793 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 1:55

Agreed

By HUGBUG | 23

#6342357 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:23

Lol when I first read this I thought u were a dude XD it makes sense now

mds9986 | 24

#6342380 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:38

So what if OP was a guy?

eski2015 | 22

#6342573 - Monday 6 July 2015 22:41

It makes sense either way

HUGBUG | 23

#6342574 - Monday 6 July 2015 22:41

If it were a guy it wouldn't been at work it wouldn't been where Oo wished it would've been

HUGBUG | 23

#6342575 - Monday 6 July 2015 22:43

I meant op not oo

mds9986 | 24

#6342613 - Monday 6 July 2015 23:20

Stay in school 41

ahippienamedrae | 10

#6342663 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 0:02

If I were a guy, I'd probably still think he's hot tbh

mr_sarcastic416 | 29

#6342839 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 3:05

#49 your profile sez you ARE a guy... just sayin

ErinRosado | 14

#6343685 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 20:26

#49 might just want the blue border instead of the pink.

By itsalanis | 24

#6342359 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:25

I wouldn't have minded that dream. Chris Pratt is hot, no matter what the situation is. c:

Kc_2424 | 0

#6342646 - Monday 6 July 2015 23:45

My ex has exactly the same name except he's a lying cheating stealing POS who can't hold down a job. That situation is far from hot haha.

By stingray112 | 24

#6342360 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:26

I'm sorry that your life is now in shambles because a dream didn't go the way you wanted it too.

ThatOneChick856 | 36

#6342764 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 1:20

I think you've missed the point of the website. "FML" is a hyperbole in most cases, as it should be.

By gigistar15 | 21

#6342362 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:26

Just wait. One day you'll have the dream about Chris that u were expecting!

SubparAtBest | 23

#6342949 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 5:32

Just wait. only day Chris Pratt will have the dream about you that he was expecting. He always wanted to be the boss..

By MiaTheMartian | 21

#6342363 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:27

oh no! That's so sad aww

By jet223 | 20

#6342364 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:27

Well it depends on what you were sucking on. It could have still been a sexy dream.

By SideOfTheAngels | 23

#6342367 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:30

At least there were no velociraptors

Tthug | 34

#6342396 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:46

The presence of velociraptors could have only improved the dream.

By rhastafish | 13

#6342370 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:33

All I can see is parks and recreations

By Dick_diamond | 22

#6342374 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:37

Who the fuck is Chris Pratt and why should I care?

TheLadyOpal | 30

#6342400 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:46

He's from the new Jurassic Park movie, Jurassic World. But if you don't care, why would you ask?

DarkMatter115 | 13

#6342453 - Monday 6 July 2015 20:27

Also Guardians of the Galaxy and the Tv show Parks and Recreation

upallnight11 | 19

#6342777 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 1:40

Go back to your cave.