Intimacy: Today, I was having a dream about Chris Pratt. Instead of having...

By BrittUnicorn - United States - Morristown

Today, I was having a dream about Chris Pratt. Instead of having a sexy dream that I would have enjoyed, I dreamt he was a supervisor at my work. He kept telling me how much I sucked. FML

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Intimacy

Sorry…

Fresh air

Public transport FTW

By singleasapringle - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I went back to my high school for an event with some of my friends, both of which are in relationships. Whilst there we saw our favorite teacher, who hugged us and said, "I heard you have a boyfriend! And so do you!" And then she turned to me and said, "And... And you're doing great things!" FML

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By Christine

Today I woke up with an extremely bad flu and severe nausea. As I rolled around wanting to die I remembered that 4 days prior, I had hoped to get a cold to skip a compulsary carol service for my Catholic school. Now, on Christmas Eve, I just want to say, be careful what you wish for. FML

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By ferrarismyname - United States

Today, I was sitting shotgun in the car. A huge bug came inside, and everyone began to freak out so naturally I began to swat at it. I got the fly, but I also cracked the windshield. I paid $229 to kill a bug. FML

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By tomuchtime

Today, my doctor told me I have tennis elbow in both arms. I don't play tennis, I just have way too much free time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - College Station

Today, I have such severe ADD that I can't focus without my medication. When I take the medication, I can only focus on one thing, but not necessarily the thing I need to be focusing on. I have a chem test soon, and I've been vacuuming my room for the past 4 hours. FML

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By part time all the time - United States - Bloomfield Hills

Today, I found out that my creepy neighbor paid a guy to install a camera in my bathroom. It's been there for three months. The guy he paid? My brother. FML

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By itchybollos - Australia

Today, while grocery shopping, my Dad asked me what I wanted for 'Din-Dins' while scratching his nuts. In a crowded aisle. Wearing short shorts. FML

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Winner

Today, my parents met my fiancée's parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad's story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML

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By Cuntface McGee - Romania - Dej

Don't dick around with those guys

Today, I was chilling out with my friend in a parking lot, when a police officer came up to the vehicle and suspiciously asked what we were up to. My friend sarcastically said, "Uh, doing drugs? Planning a drive-by? Haha!" We soon found ourselves in the back of a cop car. FML

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By fuck - Netherlands

Misunderstood

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms. I couldn't find them anywhere, so I nervously asked a staff member for help. She scowled, pointed at the shelf directly behind me, and told me to "Get a life. Or better pickup lines." I'll never live down the snickers from the other customers. FML

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By Starving Ultimatum - United States

Today, I was robbed while recovering from a robbery. FML

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By deli Shoppe - United States - Vallejo

Today, I went to the bookstore and saw a stunning girl reading. I walked over and picked up a book, thinking our two books were the same category, hence a good conversation starter. She looked at me, and I pointed at my book and smiled. After that, she left. It was a sex position book. FML

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By thatguy - United States

Today, I was feeling proud of myself because I finally quit World Of Warcraft. I later found out about the gift my dad's family gave me. It was a 12-month subscription to World Of Warcraft. FML

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By hippie88 - United States - New York

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

Today, I figured out why I've used triple the amount of cellphone minutes than I usually do over the past month since moving out. Is it because I suddenly have a social life now that I'm living on my own? No. All those calls were made to my mom because I'm lonely. FML

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By Maryanne Swain

Today, after I've been sick all week, but still coming in to work (I'm not contagious) because I know that we're short staffed, I sucked it up and came in again, only to find out 3 other employees called in because they're hungover. Now I have to do my job and theirs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rochester

Today, I was telling my friends about a date I had recently that went badly, because the guy turned out to be a moron. I said the last straw was when I used the word "decipher" and was met with a blank stare. I was then met with more blank stares. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home and was greeted by my dad telling me that he pawned my guitar for gas money. FML

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33674

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By blairheir721 - United States

Today, my friend Kate and I were helping build a playground. Halfway through, a construction worker asks where we go to school. I told him we graduated and proudly held degrees in psych. The construction worker stopped mid-dig, glanced at us sadly and said, "yeah that's what my degree's in too." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I started a new job. The supervisor handed me a badge with the name 'Rachel' on it, which is not my name. When I told her this, she responded with, "I know, but it will be easier for the customers to pronounce than your actual name." FML

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By Anonymous

Deez nutz hurtz

Today, I was about to have sex with my wife, so I walked into our room naked, but then whacked myself in the nuts with the door handle as I attempted to close it. She can't stop laughing, and I can't sit down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Arcata

Today, I interviewed three elderly residents at a nursing home, hoping to use the transcript for a very important paper due next week. It went great, so I wrapped up and drove home. I sat down to start typing, and realized that my recording had stopped ten minutes in. FML

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By angry asthmatic - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, we had an emergency lockdown in my gym class. As a result, we had to go into the boys' locker room, so naturally, it smelled like a fart in there. Some dumbass had a "brilliant" idea to spray a WHOLE FUCKING CAN OF AXE SPRAY in the locker room. I have asthma. FML

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By Gears

Close shave

Today, I had dinner at a local fast-food joint. There's an employee there that I usually talk to and flirt with, so I thought maybe it was time to ask for her number. After a small conversation and almost getting to the point, she told me, "I'm 17." I'm 23. FML

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By mandy - United States

Today, I went out with my family and boyfriend for dinner. We were all having a good time, and suddenly at the end of dinner he decides to kneel down on one knee, take out an engagement ring, and say "I choose you, Pikachu," with a straight face. He was serious. FML

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By breakmyfall - 15/11/2020 02:02

They're still books, technically

Today my brother's girlfriend came over to visit and we got to talking about books. Thinking she'd be interested, I suggested a few. She responded that she, "only read good literature." The only books I've ever seen her read are Fifty Shades of Grey and the Twilight Saga. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2021 22:56

Help needed

Today, I've been asking for help to close up store for the last 7 months, at the height of a global pandemic. My boss's excuse for no help? Joe Biden and the government is keeping everyone who would earn 10 dollars an hour from working, because they are all lazy. Joe wasn't president 7 months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, someone took my flatscreen TV at my garage sale because some kid snuck a "free" label onto it. FML

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By Mary - France

Today, after a year together, my boyfriend admitted to me that in bed I had as much an effect on him as a crossword puzzle. FML

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By Mal - United States

Today, I finally mustered up the guts to ask this girl I like to dinner and a movie. She agreed on the terms that she could bring someone, and I'd said it wouldn't be a problem. When I met up with her a few hours later, I found out she'd brought her boyfriend. FML

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By iAMloud - United States

Today, I was riding to a prom with my friends in the middle of a swamp-covered area. I stuck my head out the top and screamed like they do in the movies. My hair, makeup, and mouth were quickly filled with bugs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend went down on me for the first time. Just as I was reaching climax my brother raced into the bathroom right next to my door and began to vomit extremely loudly. FML

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By LucyLollipop

Today, I had my first glass of red wine after months of pregnancy and giving birth. Just as I sat down and started to relax, I spilled it all over myself and my in-law’s couch. FML

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By I don't know, son - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was lying beside my 5-year-old son to help him get to sleep. He turned his head and asked, "Daddy, why do you suck so much?" FML

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By James

Today, I asked the restaurant manager if he could arrange to deliver an engagement ring to me and my girlfriend with our desserts. Desserts came, no ring. That guy wasn’t the manager, just a guy in a suit who legged it with my ring. FML

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By lizard - United States

Whiff

Today, the guy who got off when the elevator's doors opened had a very embarrassed look on his face. I didn't think anything of it till the doors closed. Turns out he was running away from his deadly fart. FML

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By one sorry mom

Today, at the mall, my 4-year-old son threw up on a man's shoes. When he approached me, I immediately machine-gun mouthed him in public. The man apparently is a doctor and concernedly said that my son may have a rare gastric disease based on the puke. I got him checked, and he's right. FML

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By FootinMouth - United States - Louisville

Today, my girlfriend said she wanted to get a little crazy and try some role-play. "Act like you don't want it," she said. Without thinking, I replied, "Well, that should be easy." FML

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By Julie - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me. When I confronted her, she yelled at me for not noticing the signs sooner. FML

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By apparentfatty - Canada

Today, I found out that my husband thinks I'm fat when I caught him slipping diet pills into my morning smoothie. FML

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By JustMarried - Ukraine

Today, my wife wanted to have a threesome. During our honeymoon. With the maid of honor. I didn't sign up for this. FML

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Top comments

By kaylizs | 20

#6342356 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:23

Any dream about Chris Pratt is a wet dream.

By jet223 | 20

#6342364 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:27

Well it depends on what you were sucking on. It could have still been a sexy dream.

COMMENTS

By kaylizs | 20

#6342356 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:23

Any dream about Chris Pratt is a wet dream.

invadermaythe1st | 35

#6342372 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:35

He probably wanted her to suck something else ;)

pabj208 | 23

#6342451 - Monday 6 July 2015 20:25

Sounds like he was a bit of a Pratt.

jackipdoc | 31

#6342793 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 1:55

Agreed

By HUGBUG | 23

#6342357 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:23

Lol when I first read this I thought u were a dude XD it makes sense now

mds9986 | 24

#6342380 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:38

So what if OP was a guy?

eski2015 | 22

#6342573 - Monday 6 July 2015 22:41

It makes sense either way

HUGBUG | 23

#6342574 - Monday 6 July 2015 22:41

If it were a guy it wouldn't been at work it wouldn't been where Oo wished it would've been

HUGBUG | 23

#6342575 - Monday 6 July 2015 22:43

I meant op not oo

mds9986 | 24

#6342613 - Monday 6 July 2015 23:20

Stay in school 41

ahippienamedrae | 10

#6342663 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 0:02

If I were a guy, I'd probably still think he's hot tbh

mr_sarcastic416 | 29

#6342839 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 3:05

#49 your profile sez you ARE a guy... just sayin

ErinRosado | 14

#6343685 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 20:26

#49 might just want the blue border instead of the pink.

By itsalanis | 24

#6342359 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:25

I wouldn't have minded that dream. Chris Pratt is hot, no matter what the situation is. c:

Kc_2424 | 0

#6342646 - Monday 6 July 2015 23:45

My ex has exactly the same name except he's a lying cheating stealing POS who can't hold down a job. That situation is far from hot haha.

By stingray112 | 24

#6342360 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:26

I'm sorry that your life is now in shambles because a dream didn't go the way you wanted it too.

ThatOneChick856 | 36

#6342764 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 1:20

I think you've missed the point of the website. "FML" is a hyperbole in most cases, as it should be.

By gigistar15 | 21

#6342362 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:26

Just wait. One day you'll have the dream about Chris that u were expecting!

SubparAtBest | 23

#6342949 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 5:32

Just wait. only day Chris Pratt will have the dream about you that he was expecting. He always wanted to be the boss..

By MiaTheMartian | 21

#6342363 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:27

oh no! That's so sad aww

By jet223 | 20

#6342364 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:27

Well it depends on what you were sucking on. It could have still been a sexy dream.

By SideOfTheAngels | 23

#6342367 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:30

At least there were no velociraptors

Tthug | 34

#6342396 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:46

The presence of velociraptors could have only improved the dream.

By rhastafish | 13

#6342370 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:33

All I can see is parks and recreations

By Dick_diamond | 22

#6342374 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:37

Who the fuck is Chris Pratt and why should I care?

TheLadyOpal | 30

#6342400 - Monday 6 July 2015 19:46

He's from the new Jurassic Park movie, Jurassic World. But if you don't care, why would you ask?

DarkMatter115 | 13

#6342453 - Monday 6 July 2015 20:27

Also Guardians of the Galaxy and the Tv show Parks and Recreation

upallnight11 | 19

#6342777 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 1:40

Go back to your cave.