Intimacy: Today, I was having a dream about Chris Pratt. Instead of having...

By BrittUnicorn - 06/07/2015 15:14 - United States - Morristown

Today, I was having a dream about Chris Pratt. Instead of having a sexy dream that I would have enjoyed, I dreamt he was a supervisor at my work. He kept telling me how much I sucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 571

You deserved it 3 658

Intimacy

Broken heart

Hiding from the drama

Thanks Boris!

By Xerfox - 20/06/2016 20:34 - Germany - Neckarsulm

Today, I flew to Germany to meet up with a girl that I met in America 5 months ago and fell in love with. We've been talking every day for 5 months straight. I get here just for her to tell me that she likes me "like a brother". FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 284

You deserved it 1 879

By steph - 31/10/2008 07:11 - France

Today, my ex-girlfriend told me that she can't live without me, but she has another boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 172

You deserved it 4 118

By sig - 22/11/2016 13:54

Today, I found out that I'm not welcome at my boyfriend's dad funeral, because his ex-wife has invited herself, and it would be too awkward to explain to his extended family, most of whom apparently don't yet know that he's divorced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 329

You deserved it 882

Pillow Fight Club!

By Crushingdefeat - 05/07/2021 18:03 - United States - Staten Island

Today, my girlfriend and I babysat our neighbors' 10 year-old. After a while, he challenged us to a pillow fight. I opted out, but she accepted. I went to use the bathroom and I came back to find her face down on the floor, as he sat on her back bashing a pillow against her head. What the hell did I miss? FML

I agree, your life sucks 713

You deserved it 103

By Scottrick - 01/03/2009 17:55 - United States

Today, I was walking through Borders with my girlfriend, when we pass a girl scout cookies stand. I see a box of Samoas, my favorite, point at them, and shout, 'YEAH'. My girlfriend looks shocked. Behind the box of cookies was a five year old scout bending over, with her bottom pointed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 036

You deserved it 15 583

By it's sharty time :/ - 02/07/2016 18:45 - United States - Bismarck

Today, during an 8 hour shift at a very busy bowling alley, I found out I can't trust a fart anymore. I'm only 25. Now I have to finish my shift commando, and also get rid of the evidence without anyone noticing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 447

You deserved it 1 749

By Anonymous - 01/01/2012 07:34 - United States

Today, I was going over to my friend's house for the first time. A creepy-looking old man answered, and smiled at me. I asked "Is this the right house? Does Isaac live here?" He replied "Yes, he's in the basement. Would you like a drink?" Right then, Isaac called and asked me where I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 083

You deserved it 3 844

By suffersecks - 20/01/2012 23:54 - United States

Today, while in the middle of giving my husband a blow job, I looked up to see him staring into space and vigorously picking his nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 475

You deserved it 6 159

Rise and shine

By Noname - 18/03/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class during a boring economics lecture. I heard a whisper say, "Rise and shine, sleeping beauty." I thought it was my boyfriend, so I replied, "What time is it? When is this fucking class going to be over?" it wasn't my boyfriend talking. It was my professor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 103

You deserved it 84 658

By Caitlin - 10/06/2010 00:46 - United States

Today, I had to drive 300 miles to a town where I thought I'd forgotten my purse the night before. When I got to the hotel I had been staying at, I found out it was actually in the trunk of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 280

You deserved it 45 681

By KMKWEEN - 16/02/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, I was at work. I work at a grocery store and a woman pulls a cart to me filled with chips, breads, lunch meats, and sodas. I said to her "Looks like you are going to have a fun party" she then looks at me and says "My mother just died, this is for after the funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 842

You deserved it 10 639

By RainyDay - 11/04/2009 18:38 - United States

Today, My friend and I were stopped at a red light while it was pouring rain. We heard a screeching noise off in the distance and thought, "Hope someone doesn't get hit." Someone did get hit. We did. From behind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 243

You deserved it 3 500

By Anonymous - 02/03/2017 10:00 - United States - Ithaca

Today, my first grade student apologized for cutting his bangs off in class, and explained that it was his mom's birthday and he had wanted to make her an origami flower. Out of his hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 050

You deserved it 652

By Noname - 20/02/2009 05:17 - United States

Today, they were handing out free razors in the mall. I went up to get my free sample, but the woman just smiled and said, "Sorry honey, they're sharp, and not for children." I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 494

You deserved it 2 834

Save yourself

By Anonymous - 06/08/2021 22:01

Today, I had to offer my boyfriend a no-hard-feelings opportunity to just leave. He never wanted to be a dad, but since we accidentally got pregnant and had our son, I’ve watched his mental health go downhill so fast I was afraid he’d kill himself if he kept forcing himself to stay with us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 239

You deserved it 151

By dangerousknitter - 08/10/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, in the middle of an exam, I was escorted out by the campus police due to suspicion of a concealed weapon. The officers couldn't stop laughing for 20 minutes when they found out the weapon was metal knitting needles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 233

You deserved it 3 829

By radioactiveglowinthedarkthing - 10/10/2011 19:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I took my friend with me for a radiology scan. While I was getting injections, my friend muttered, "On the bright side, if you die, you'll glow in the dark at the funeral." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 105

You deserved it 3 568

By failatboys - 14/06/2009 03:06 - United States

Today, was my senior prom. I've had a crush on my date for months, but after many attempts at grinding with him and sexy seduction, he rejected me saying he was a good Catholic boy. I later found out that not only is he in touch with his religion, but intimately in touch with other boys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 649

You deserved it 7 326

By ohjoy - 18/11/2009 07:42 - United States

Today, a friend and I attempted to jump the 7-foot high fence around his gated community because he'd left his keys. He made it. I didn’t. My shorts caught on the top of the fence, so I was forced to dangle there on a busy street until my Dad came and helped. But only after taking a picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 033

You deserved it 34 476

By frustrated - 13/01/2013 06:39 - United States - Miami

Today, while reading an erotic story I was more excited that the author used a conjunctive adverb than the sexual content in the story. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 565

You deserved it 12 431

Wakey Wakey!

By Anonymous - 15/10/2019 04:00

Today, my girlfriend woke me up by punching me in the balls. It’s OK, I didn’t want kids anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 487

You deserved it 173

By Jay - 06/05/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, my boss asked me to pick up some supplies for a presentation. I entered the store in the middle of an armed robbery, was knocked to the floor, and had my cash, phone and credit cards stolen. When I told my boss the story, she said, "So were you able to get the binder clips?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 362

You deserved it 3 369

By Anonymous - 03/12/2010 03:22 - United States

Today, I called up Verizon Wireless to "complain" about my phone service. I really had nothing to complain about, I was just that lonely that I wanted someone to talk to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 091

You deserved it 30 779

By Mb13 - 21/12/2016 20:02

Today, I got my nipples pierced. Momentarily forgetting about the piercings, I started to lather up with my loofa. Shark week in the shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 296

You deserved it 4 954

By Anonymous - 30/04/2013 18:24 - United States - Pompton Plains

Today, I got home from work and found my girlfriend waiting for me in some skimpy lingerie. She ended up pushing me onto the bed, and as I lay there, expecting to be pleasured, she pulled out a pair of adult-sized footsie pajamas and dressed me in them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 826

You deserved it 8 390

By anime_love - 17/09/2010 04:43 - United States

Today, I was waiting for my boyfriend who evidently stood me up. I waited so long, the security came up and asked me to leave, because I was scaring the staff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 787

You deserved it 3 858

By maggierose171 - 19/05/2012 15:08 - United States - Rosendale

Today, my daughter's bed broke. Trying to see the damage, I lay down on her floor to get a closer look. I saw mountains of condom boxes under there. Now I know why the bed broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 173

You deserved it 5 706

By ccat209 - 20/12/2016 04:05 - United States - Riverton

Today, my parents finally realized that I've been sneaking vodka when they weren't home. Note to self: don't let them freeze vodka that's actually 75% water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 659

You deserved it 8 941

By Anonymous - 06/04/2014 19:37

Today, I witnessed my psycho neighbor put her cat in a cage, cross into my backyard, and set the cage down before returning to her house. She then called the cops and claimed I'd stolen her cat. The cops didn't believe my side of the story for a second. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 705

You deserved it 3 497

Hangry dude

By Anonymous - 07/08/2021 20:01

Today, I accidentally bit so hard on my fork that I cracked my tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 679

You deserved it 207

By Anonymous - 06/07/2011 23:35 - Canada

Today, my wife actually had the balls to tell me that we can't have sex for the rest of her nine month pregnancy, because according to her, "I don't want twins." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 633

You deserved it 12 405

By over_due - 21/06/2016 16:12 - United States

Today, I was giving a competitive dramatic speech. I got a little too into it and punched the ground to portray my character's anger. I must be one dedicated thespian because I was angry enough to break my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 570

You deserved it 3 279

By Anonymous - 12/07/2013 20:27 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to the pool with my son. One moment I'm sitting down, applying sunscreen to my legs, and the next I look up to see him squatting on the diving board, seconds before dropping a deuce into the pool. As we got kicked out, he screamed that it was my fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 543

You deserved it 6 609

By i2xl - 24/02/2012 15:28 - Canada

Today, my landlady roasted a joint of beef and the whole house smelled wonderful. OK, even if I am a masochistic vegetarian and former omnivore, that was way beyond cruel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 634

You deserved it 33 781

By OMFG - 22/02/2010 10:13 - Australia

Today, I witnessed my roommate pop a blister with a skewer and casually place it back in the kitchen drawer, before wiping what seeped out with the teatowel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 825

You deserved it 2 060

Cute

By eyesightfail - 21/11/2009 23:02 - United States

Today, I saw a squirrel beside a tree. Thinking it was cute, I stepped closer, picked up a pine cone and tried to lure it to come closer. After about two minutes of silently squatting on someone's lawn holding a pine cone, I realized the squirrel was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 433

You deserved it 15 475

By Miss_Kat - 29/08/2019 00:01

Today, I received a two-page letter/rant from my boss notifying me of my imminent dismissal, based on issues such as me "speaking in a suppressed voice." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 452

You deserved it 126

By notsurprised - 01/08/2011 12:55 - United States

Today, I woke up to my mom washing the dishes completely naked. Sadly, I was more surprised by the fact she was doing the dishes than the fact that that she was strutting about in her birthday suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 424

You deserved it 3 146

By knee pain - 09/12/2013 19:17 - United States

Today, I woke up in my hospital bed after having knee surgery, on the wrong knee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 005

You deserved it 4 021

By TheKunitzShow14 - 10/08/2011 07:22 - United States

Today, while walking on the sidewalk, someone hit me with their car. They yelled at me for being in their way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 256

You deserved it 3 346

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Top comments

kaylizs 20

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Monday 6 July 2015 19:23

Any dream about Chris Pratt is a wet dream.

jet223 20

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Monday 6 July 2015 19:27

Well it depends on what you were sucking on. It could have still been a sexy dream.

kaylizs 20

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Monday 6 July 2015 19:23

Any dream about Chris Pratt is a wet dream.

invadermaythe1st 35

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Monday 6 July 2015 19:35

He probably wanted her to suck something else ;)

pabj208 23

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Monday 6 July 2015 20:25

Sounds like he was a bit of a Pratt.

jackipdoc 31

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Tuesday 7 July 2015 1:55

Agreed

HUGBUG 23

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Monday 6 July 2015 19:23

Lol when I first read this I thought u were a dude XD it makes sense now

mds9986 24

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Monday 6 July 2015 19:38

So what if OP was a guy?

eski2015 22

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Monday 6 July 2015 22:41

It makes sense either way

HUGBUG 23

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Monday 6 July 2015 22:41

If it were a guy it wouldn't been at work it wouldn't been where Oo wished it would've been

HUGBUG 23

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Monday 6 July 2015 22:43

I meant op not oo

mds9986 24

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Monday 6 July 2015 23:20

Stay in school 41

ahippienamedrae 10

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Tuesday 7 July 2015 0:02

If I were a guy, I'd probably still think he's hot tbh

mr_sarcastic416 29

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Tuesday 7 July 2015 3:05

#49 your profile sez you ARE a guy... just sayin

ErinRosado 14

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Tuesday 7 July 2015 20:26

#49 might just want the blue border instead of the pink.

itsalanis 24

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Monday 6 July 2015 19:25

I wouldn't have minded that dream. Chris Pratt is hot, no matter what the situation is. c:

Kc_2424 0

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Monday 6 July 2015 23:45

My ex has exactly the same name except he's a lying cheating stealing POS who can't hold down a job. That situation is far from hot haha.

stingray112 24

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Monday 6 July 2015 19:26

I'm sorry that your life is now in shambles because a dream didn't go the way you wanted it too.

ThatOneChick856 36

Tuesday 7 July 2015 1:20

I think you've missed the point of the website. "FML" is a hyperbole in most cases, as it should be.

gigistar15 21

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Monday 6 July 2015 19:26

Just wait. One day you'll have the dream about Chris that u were expecting!

SubparAtBest 23

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Tuesday 7 July 2015 5:32

Just wait. only day Chris Pratt will have the dream about you that he was expecting. He always wanted to be the boss..

MiaTheMartian 21

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Monday 6 July 2015 19:27

oh no! That's so sad aww

jet223 20

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Monday 6 July 2015 19:27

Well it depends on what you were sucking on. It could have still been a sexy dream.

SideOfTheAngels 23

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Monday 6 July 2015 19:30

At least there were no velociraptors

Tthug 34

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Monday 6 July 2015 19:46

The presence of velociraptors could have only improved the dream.

rhastafish 13

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Monday 6 July 2015 19:33

All I can see is parks and recreations

Dick_diamond 22

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Monday 6 July 2015 19:37

Who the fuck is Chris Pratt and why should I care?

TheLadyOpal 30

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Monday 6 July 2015 19:46

He's from the new Jurassic Park movie, Jurassic World. But if you don't care, why would you ask?

DarkMatter115 13

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Monday 6 July 2015 20:27

Also Guardians of the Galaxy and the Tv show Parks and Recreation

upallnight11 19

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Tuesday 7 July 2015 1:40

Go back to your cave.

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 55

Spicy

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 389

You deserved it 49

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 516

You deserved it 110

Pillow Fight Club!

Rise and shine

Save yourself

Wakey Wakey!

Hangry dude

Cute

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