By Anonymous - 26/3/2020 14:06

Creeped out

Today, I found out my husband only started to date me because he thinks I look like his daughter. She was 5 at that time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1820

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123

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Dangling modifier

Rock, hard place

Season finale

By ouchie - 2/1/2010 05:26 - Canada

Today, I went to the drugstore to get supplies for my broken toe. Because of the swelling, I could only wear open-toed sandals on this cold day. At the store, a tall, heavy man in winter boots tried to get by me, and ended up stepping on the toes of my good foot. FML

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28248

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2622

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By Eric John Los - 29/1/2018 13:00 - United States - Haydenville

Today, I wore a coat that was too tight. The button gave way and quickly flew about ten feet to hit my very attractive new coworker right in the ass. FML

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3770

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934

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By hail - 27/12/2018 20:00

Today, I told my parents I was pregnant but don’t know who the Dad is. My Mom said “that’s alright, I still don’t know who your dad is”. So apparently my father isn’t my real Dad. FML

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2752

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1125

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By LizLiao - 14/4/2009 07:50 - United States

Today, I was running down the hallway when a door opens and hits me right on the face. I'm sitting there with my nose bleeding and a huge bump forming on my head. The guy who comes out is hugely fat, tries to help me up, trips, and falls on me. I accidentally groped his moobs while trying to push him off. FML

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70736

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7741

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By Seabiscuit - 6/7/2009 04:03 - United States

Today, I was snuggling in bed with my girlfriend. She was depressed, so I complimented her strong legs, saying they were "like a horse." I spent the next hour and a half trying to stop her crying. FML

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15453

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77568

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2013 07:31 - United States

Today, the guy I like asked me out for the first time. It's a good thing he did it over Facebook, because I started shaking and almost threw up. I don't know how I'm going to function on our date next week. FML

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34304

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8086

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2020 14:00

Bad liar

Today, I was supposed to see my boyfriend for his birthday. He said his parents were coming down and it may not be a good time for us to really enjoy each other. Last night I saw a picture of him feeding popcorn to baby llamas with his drunk stoner friends. FML

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1595

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224

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By Embarassed - 15/3/2011 19:29 - United States

Today, while at a school anti-drugs assembly, the speaker asked everyone to stand up if they knew someone who had died of an overdose. As I stood up, my friend hit me in the side, making me laugh. I stood frozen under accusing glares while the speaker bitched me out for a good 5 minutes. FML

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34294

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12705

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By Wrongdoor - 6/12/2009 14:58 - United States

Today, I was taking a placement test for the new college I am going to. After the test and picking up a few numbers, I left with great pride. I opened the door and started walking out. I then realized that I had walked into the closet. FML

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11439

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By itisobviouseinstein - 30/9/2015 03:31 - United States - New York

Today, a bible toting evangelist on the street ambushed me and asked me what my religion was. I wear a hijab. FML

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24700

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3664

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By SierraDiaz2097 - 23/3/2013 05:44 - United States - Vardaman

Today, I sneezed. My boyfriend told me to shut up. FML

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40497

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9635

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By martin1022 - 5/10/2016 11:29 - United States

Today, recent construction has created a manhole that cars slam over every single morning. This normally starts at 4 a.m. as people make their early commute on my busy street. With every car that hits it, there's a huge echoing slamming noise. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11563

You deserved it

900

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By bobby - 12/6/2010 22:13 - United States

Today, I went to lick the excess peanut butter off the knife after making a PB and J. Turns out the knife can and will cut your tongue, even though you don't think it will. FML

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11739

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62349

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By echolaker2019 - 11/4/2016 03:57 - United States - Scarsdale

Today, I had a second date with a really hot guy I met at the mall. Lucky for me, I went into anaphylactic shock from shrimp and the guy called my parents. When I left the hospital, I was notified that after he called my parents, he ordered more food and charged it to my credit card on file. FML

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22719

You deserved it

1612

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By LonelyCashier - 11/7/2019 20:00

Today, an old woman came into my store for help. Towards the end, she asked me my name. I told her while pointing at my name tag. She then replied, "Oh! I didn't notice since I was staring at your boobs. Much prettier to look at." Sadly, this is the first time I've been hit on in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1880

You deserved it

176

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By mzgabbster - 24/10/2010 12:21 - United States

Today, I was having the most wonderful bath. The water was steaming, the bubbles were bubbly, and I was reading a really good book. I put my book down to yawn and looked to my right. My gaze was met by the lovely face of my brother's pet tarantula. FML

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37939

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3337

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By Crash - 30/6/2010 23:06 - United States

Today, I saw a woman still texting on her phone as she started to drive away when the light turned green. I made sure to stare her down and give her a dirty look because she wasn't paying attention to driving. She laughed as I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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10099

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By "MarchingNightmare" - 16/1/2019 22:00 - United States - Hendersonville

Today, I have had 4 nosebleeds. 4 of them, full-on, almost passing out nosebleeds. It's only noon. I think I need to see a doctor. FML

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2490

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166

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2020 05:01 - United States - Lake Butler

Spy vs. Spy

Today, I panicked when I realized two of my diaries were missing. I turned the house upside down, and found them in the guest room, tucked away in a dresser drawer. My only visitor in the last six months was my mom. I’m 37 years old. FML

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473

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By pale-suzie - 19/3/2014 12:28 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I was fired over the phone, losing my only source of income. When asked if I was okay, I explained that although I understood why, I was a little peeved they'd chosen my birthday to deliver the message. My - now former - boss then sang "Happy Birthday" to me in its entirety. FML

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45929

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4272

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2012 00:19 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, one of my work colleagues was staring at my severe sunburn. She wanted to know if she could "peel" me, when my sunburn becomes "ripe", because she loves the sound. She won't take no for an answer, and I work with her everyday this week. FML

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26395

You deserved it

2001

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By blububble412 - 22/1/2015 03:46 - United States - Sierra Vista

Today, we had a drug search at school. After the search, we went back inside. My bag was open, and my lunch was gone. FML

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33904

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2446

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2009 01:39 - United States

Today, after coming home from hanging out with a few friends, my mom told me that I shouldn't hang out with them any more. Why? Because "they are way hotter than I am and I'll never get a boyfriend if I'm always the ugly one in my group." FML

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45613

You deserved it

3402

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By Anon - 26/6/2014 04:03 - United States - Middletown

Today, my boyfriend told me he wants to marry me and be the father of my children. Five minutes later, he told me he wants to experience death. FML

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47459

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5201

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2015 23:34 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was stung by a wasp. Startled, I stumbled and grabbed a nearby tree branch to regain my balance. The branch happened to be the location of the wasp's nest, which fell to the ground and split open. The wasps weren't happy. FML

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26144

You deserved it

1926

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By vanorav - 18/3/2012 02:41 - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, I walked into the kitchen to eat some breakfast. I got a full visual of my drunk neighbor dancing naked in my backyard. FML

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26460

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2175

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2013 19:16 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I got stuck in an elevator for well over an hour while riding it up to my weight and fitness class. Very funny, universe. FML

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40941

You deserved it

9437

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2012 20:26 - Netherlands - Delft

Today, I had a job interview, for which I spent hours preparing. My interviewer was nothing more than a pimple-faced teen, and after only two minutes of reviewing my qualifications, he lost interest and started asking such questions as which Hogwarts house is my favorite. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28427

You deserved it

3104

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By Cathy - 17/1/2012 00:33 - United States

Today, I found out why I find damp spots on my favorite jacket. I appears that my dog often becomes very intimate with it. FML

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33605

You deserved it

3392

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By Sheezey - 24/2/2009 23:14 - United States

Today, I went to the gym and worked out with a trainer. While doing arm exercises he commented on how impressed he was with the size of my triceps. That really boosted my self-confidence, until he leaned in to feel them and said, "Oh, it's just fat." FML

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46234

You deserved it

6745

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By InnocenceBlue - 20/7/2019 04:00 - Australia - Perth

Today, after I've been nauseous for a week straight, barely eating or sleeping, I was going to see my doctor. She then called in sick and I can't get an appointment for another week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1547

You deserved it

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By psychic parents, how do they work? :( - 31/7/2013 22:49 - United States - Effingham

Today, I went to my dad, hoping to confess something to him. He quickly said that if I'd got my girlfriend pregnant, he'd kill me. That's exactly what happened. I had to make up a lie instead about stealing $50 from his wallet once as a kid, which he then demanded I pay back in full. FML

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32650

You deserved it

47336

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2011 16:15 - United States

Today, I bought a UV light so I could detect cat pee, since I was sure my cat was relieving herself on the carpet. I decided to try it out in the living room first. Nearly half the room lit up like a Christmas tree. FML

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35983

You deserved it

5164

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By porkythighs - 27/12/2010 14:19 - Singapore

Today, I was driving in the car with my boyfriend and he couldn't keep his hands off me. Nothing to complain about when your boyfriend likes to touch you, right? Except when he keeps smacking your jiggly thighs to watch the ripples and 'tenderize the pork chops'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36248

You deserved it

7763

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2009 06:41 - United States

Today, my electricity went out. The electric company said it was because the bill was at least 4 months overdue. Apparently, I have been paying for my roommate to go out and party for weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36633

You deserved it

3991

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2012 16:24 - United States - San Juan Capistrano

Today, I went to a blood drive. The nurse taking my blood mentioned that she'd been called in on her day off, and she swore she wasn't drunk. I didn't know what to do, so I just smiled and blinked back tears as she savaged the vein in my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26704

You deserved it

3244

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By DogDoingScience - 1/9/2011 15:45 - Czech Republic

Today, I ran into my father. He was drunk and singing in the street. At 1:25pm. FML

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30144

You deserved it

2681

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2015 03:31 - United States

Today, my college charged me for tuition for next semester. I graduated 2 years ago. I have a degree from a place too stupid to only charge current students. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30513

You deserved it

2301

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By :( - 14/6/2011 18:06 - United States

Today, I invited over my best friend, whom I've loved for over a year, since she had to tell me "something important". I got excited and thought she was going to tell me she loved me too. She ended up coming out to me, and wanted to know if I would meet her girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45715

You deserved it

6010

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By ._. - 5/6/2013 00:08 - United Kingdom - Letchworth

Today, my wife uttered the soul-crushing words, "But we're married now, why would we have sex?" FML

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92530

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8817

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Top comments

By Aiden89 | 21

#7892562 - Thursday 26 March 2020 14:14

What the f***

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7892577 - Thursday 26 March 2020 15:54

Isn't Donald Trump married?

COMMENTS

By Aiden89 | 21

#7892562 - Thursday 26 March 2020 14:14

What the f***

RichardPencil | 28

#7892583 - Thursday 26 March 2020 16:23

On this site, you don't need to use asterisks. The slogan is "Fuck is our first name."

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7892577 - Thursday 26 March 2020 15:54

Isn't Donald Trump married?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7892578 - Thursday 26 March 2020 15:55

Do you also have to call him Daddy?

By sydthekid2000 | 5

#7892605 - Thursday 26 March 2020 19:25

Red flag!

By demix_fml | 32

#7892637 - Thursday 26 March 2020 21:28

Creepy

By Patrick Arthur | 1

#7892652 - Thursday 26 March 2020 23:07

I’m guessing it’s so she could pass as her mom in public...

WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7893449 - Monday 30 March 2020 2:59

Yeah I was thinking that too. This is one of those rare situations where she isn’t thinking deep enough into it

By daddycaitlin | 13

#7892658 - Thursday 26 March 2020 23:43

I hope it’s so you’d pass as the mom, if not, I’d get out now.

By Itsheragain | 9

#7892687 - Friday 27 March 2020 4:45

uhm..you need to RUN NOW

By jriley4u | 17

#7892729 - Friday 27 March 2020 7:25

Either way, your husband is weird.

By juggalo2 | 13

#7892789 - Friday 27 March 2020 12:15

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment