Miscellaneous: Today, I was getting restless in my psychology class. I stretched...

By dizzlewizzle - United States

Today, I was getting restless in my psychology class. I stretched out both of my arms and hands into the aisles on either side of me, only to find myself with my teacher's package in my palm. FML

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Miscellaneous

Rock, hard place

Kick the bum out, part 2

Hang in there

By callerid - United States

Today, I had misplaced my cell phone. I decided the best course of action would be to dial the number from my house phone and wait for it to ring to locate it. Somebody answered when I called. It wasn't the wrong number and I had a brief conversation with the man that stole my phone. FML

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By hdat - Canada

Today, I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine that gave me free food. I kept eating, it was so satisfying words could not describe how great it felt. Then I realized my hands were in between my legs, I had been touching myself dreaming about free food from a vending machine. FML

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By brob56 - United States

Today, I was talking to my hot neighbor. We were in the driveway of her house, and I looked at her car and noticed a hideous dummy. It was fat and just ugly, but I didn't think much of it. I tried to make a joke and asked, "Where did you get that awful thing?" She said, "That's my daughter". FML

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By Samantha35

Today, I was substitute teaching a high school English class. A student discreetly told me that my zipper was open. I tried to zip up, but the zipper got caught on my underwear. When I bent down to pick up my pen, my pants split. Before I turn around, I heard the sound of phones taking pictures. FML

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By SharpDressedMan - United States - Leesburg

Today, I spent almost nine hours cleaning because I was promised I could go to junior prom if my room was cleaned. I missed a dust bunny and couldn't go. I had a date for this, who I'd had a crush on for over a year and barely managed to ask to go with me. FML

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By Mojo0608 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my 16-year-old brother once again scored well at a local archery competition. He got home and, once again, unleashed his "spectacular aim" at the toilet - or rather the toilet seat and surrounding floor. He refuses to clean the bathroom we share every single time he does this. FML

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By britt93

Ol' Blue Eyes

Today, I learned that if you sing along with an old Frank Sinatra song, the elderly who hear you will want to talk to you about things you have no idea about, for a very long time. FML

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By chubrubber - United States - Bronx

Today, I participated in a walk for charity. Even though I was supposed to walk 5K, I stopped after 3K because the pain from my thighs rubbing together nearly sent me to tears. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2020 18:03 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Clean up in aisle 5 please

Today, I cleaned up the entire kitchen after sending the kids to school. I decided to have a nice cup of tea, and then knocked the tea over into the bin and the bin cabinet, the hardest and grossest thing to clean. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Knoxville

Today, my boyfriend invited me over to his house. I was planning on breaking up with him while at his house. Turns out, it was a proposal party. I'm now engaged because it would've been rude to say no in front of his family that had flown in. FML

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By Depressed - United States - Collierville

Today, I got a call from the head of my school dance committee saying that the dance was cancelled and the services originally hired were still expecting to be paid. The reason the dance got cancelled? One of the girls on the committee's parents wouldn't let her buy her dream dress. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 23:03

Devious, the lot of them

Today, I was out walking with a cute girl when we passed by a house with a Trump sign. Trying to make her laugh, I went to steal it. Turns out it was booby trapped. I got drenched by a sprinkler when I got close. FML

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By Loner_Lou - United Kingdom - London

Today, my new colleagues took me up on my idea of a group night out. Perhaps they'll actually invite me along next time. FML

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By Munkeh - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Faithful

Today, I found out that my partner thinks love is more meaningful than sex, so it's okay to stick his penis in someone else. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Apollo

Today, I woke up to noises in my living room. I was scared, but I loaded my gun and snuck downstairs. I burst into the living room, yelled for the motherfucker robbing me to put his hands up, and flicked on the light. My cat stared back at me like I was a moron then calmly walked out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I went to put a lasagna in the oven for dinner. I was greeted by a revolting scent of a chicken-soup and biscuits boxed dinner. The fridge apparently was too full for my brother to put it away inside, so he covered it up and forgot about it in the oven. We made that dinner two weeks ago. FML.

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By Palf - Germany

Today, I realised that my flight back from Berlin was actually booked for the 29th of September instead of August. FML

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By poorclubgoer - United States

Today, I decided to go to a club with my friends. I was flattered when an attractive guy started dancing with me. Later, I went to grab my money to pay for my dinner and realized while dancing, the very sneaky man pulled my forty dollars out of my pocket. FML

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By guiltyschuldig49 - 28/5/2020 14:00

Noise annoys

Today, and for months, my upstairs neighbor has been stomping on their floors, hard enough to shake our walls. We thought it was their child, but found out it’s the mother. She took up running, and due to the pandemic, she does it in the living room. She's already been told to stop. Repeatedly. I work 12-hour nights. FML

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By fat girl - United States - North Pole

Today, my coworkers decided to throw me a surprise baby shower. I'm not pregnant. FML

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By ShitShoveler - United States - Abington

Today, a month after getting a big promotion, I found out that I'm stuck with my old job. No one wants to take my old position, so they are vacating my new one and will post it, because, "This one is more desirable, and your's is shit." FML

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By battle1 - United States - Marietta

Creepy

Today, my best friend told me he masturbates to my Instagram page. Thanks, I guess. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Stroudsburg

Today, I was riding a bike when a truck accidentally hit me. The handsome driver came out and asked if I was alright. I said, "I am now" and winked. He said "Eww, no" then immediately ran away and drove his truck around me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, at dinner with my boyfriend and my family, my mother had too much to drink and asked my boyfriend how I was in bed with the purpose of embarrassing me. His reply? "Not as good as her sister." His defense? "It was only one time." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Crawley

Today, my brother decided to help me artificially age some of my artwork by singeing the edges slightly. Apparently "my brother set fire to my homework" isn't a valid excuse. FML

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By vishurricanes - United States

Today, I was on the bus when my crush told me to come and sit with him. I got all excited, especially when he put his arm around me. He then whispered in my ear "Hey, is your friend over there single?" FML

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By Chris Altenbach - United States

Today, I got off from work and noticed that the weather finally warmed up after the recent snowstorm. I hopped into my car and rolled down the windows. When I opened the sun roof, a foot of snow came falling into my car. FML

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By Pimpleeater - New Zealand

Today, I found out that, when mad at us, my son picks the tops off his shoulder-pimples and sprinkles them in our food. FML

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By trainE - United States

Today, I was masturbating in my room when my dog started to bark obnoxiously. He does this all the time so I ignored it and kept going. This went on for about a half hour. When I went downstairs, I found an open door and an empty TV stand. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was on Facebook, looking at pictures from a party I went to. In most of them, I was sitting on the sofa, my shorts bunched to the side, with half my vajayjay on show. FML

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By SupaSu - Canada

Today, I passed the girl I like a note asking her out, signed Mark H. She picked it up, read it, turned around and asked me, "Do you know who Mark H. is?" FML

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By godzilllla - United States - Bothell

Today, while at the local supermarket, I spotted an attractive woman packing food into a shelf. Trying to be flirty, I asked where I could find the cream cheese. Apparently, it was on the shelf right behind me. I heard her mutter "idiot" under her breath. FML

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By drugbaby - United States

Today, I was talking to my aunt about my brother's recent arrest for drug possession. I proudly told her that I have never done drugs of any kind. Her response: "Well, actually you were born addicted to heroin, so you had a drug problem long before your brother." FML

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By boo - United States

Today, I learned the reason they say don't keep your phone in high humidity places. I left my phone on the counter when I went to take a shower. It now won't turn on due to water damage and the warranty doesn't cover it. FML

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7203

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By ThanksMom - United States - State College

Today, while taking out the trash late at night with my mom, a group of people drove by and decided it would be funny to turn around and chase us up the driveway in their car. Before I even realized what was happening, my mom was already halfway to the house yelling back, "You're on your own!" FML

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By crap - United States

Today, I finally told my best friend whom I've secretly been in love with for two years that I was in love with her but at the last second chickened out and said I was joking. She replied with "Don't scare me like that. I thought I was going to have to find a new best friend for a second" FML

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By pain - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that you should never use medical tape to secure gauze over a razor cut on your scrotum. FML

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10139

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By The V Sal - United States

Today, I was helping supervise a 5 year old's birthday party in an inflatable obstacle course. I was playing hide and seek with them. I saw the birthday boy and crept around the corner and yelled "Found you!" He peed his pants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my cousin taught me how to make dinner. My cousin is in first grade and I'm in college. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was diagnosed with depression. My girlfriend's idea of consoling me was to break up with me because she can't date a "psycho". FML

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Top comments

By Jimboom | 11

#18120 - Friday 6 March 2009 16:34

Lol! Should have said "Sorry teacher. Just thought I would give you a hand with the lesson".

By acrho | 0

#18099 - Friday 6 March 2009 16:15

Sooo...are you getting an A+ now?

COMMENTS

By DrConstantine | 0

#18091 - Friday 6 March 2009 16:12

Watch where you're sticking your hands, moron.

beberrr92_fml | 0

#2482792 - Monday 9 May 2011 16:56

favs.

By Liveanotherday | 0

#18097 - Friday 6 March 2009 16:15

Haha...sorry but that's just too funny. What was your teacher's reaction?

fatalkiss | 0

#966152 - Monday 22 March 2010 4:18

you didn't proceed to stretch your arms you just fucking stretched them

htownlove | 0

#977318 - Saturday 10 April 2010 17:10

true @52

sea333 | 3

#2376293 - Wednesday 20 April 2011 6:41

its called using your peripherals. you use them to look around and make sure nothing is in your way.

By acrho | 0

#18099 - Friday 6 March 2009 16:15

Sooo...are you getting an A+ now?

UnluckyChicka | 0

#1932503 - Thursday 6 January 2011 4:09

haha, if he got hard she is :D

adamo_erebus | 25

#5506070 - Saturday 25 May 2013 7:12

nah, but she definitely got the D

By z4opv14 | 0

#18117 - Friday 6 March 2009 16:32

How is this a FML?

andy231245 | 4

#961156 - Thursday 18 March 2010 6:09

It's an fml because he had to play it off like he meant to do it and keep going till the teacher was satisfied.

By Jimboom | 11

#18120 - Friday 6 March 2009 16:34

Lol! Should have said "Sorry teacher. Just thought I would give you a hand with the lesson".

8ccheng | 0

#381582 - Thursday 9 July 2009 10:52

LOL I would have loved to see his reaction

KRYPTON1T3 | 5

#2210159 - Sunday 20 March 2011 7:52

rofl.

By Tenantry | 0

#18136 - Friday 6 March 2009 16:45

Lol @ 6
People do anything to get good grades. Made me lol though all the same :)

By Spider_fml | 9

#18153 - Friday 6 March 2009 16:59

For this FML, it would be rather relevant to know if you're a guy or a girl...

By King_of_Kings_2 | 0

#18197 - Friday 6 March 2009 17:56

#6

good one. lol

By courtneyissofuck | 0

#18225 - Friday 6 March 2009 18:17

did he acknowledge it?!

By useless06 | 0

#18248 - Friday 6 March 2009 18:31

lol @ #6, and truth @ #8.

knowing his reaction would be key...