Miscellaneous: Today, I spent almost my entire English class turned on thinking... - FML

By Kevin - United States

Today, I spent almost my entire English class turned on thinking that the hot girl next to me was playing footsie with me. That is until she stood up and I realized I had been rubbing my foot on her backpack. FML

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Vulture

Trust

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

By That'sMyBoy - Australia - Abbotsford

Today, I put glue traps around my home to catch spiders. So far, the only thing dumb enough to get caught in one is my 10-year-old son. FML

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By fet - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I had to shave my feet in order to wear ballet flats. I'm not a hobbit. FML

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By AOart1st - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was rock climbing. I had my equipment on and I saw a really cute girl. I went for the hardest climb in the gym, and while jumping up to grab the rock, I simultaneously farted, missed the rock, fell to the mat and broke my arm in the process. FML

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By just-a-fat-cat - United States - West Bend

Today, I noticed my cat was making a loud wheezing noise when trying to breathe, so I rushed him to the vet's. $250.00 worth of tests later, he's fine. Just really fat. FML

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By fleetingmemories - United States - Falls Church

Today, I had to bail my husband out of jail. It turns out that in the Black Friday rush, he beat a guy up just so he could get his hands on the last of a heavily-discounted item. The item in question: a toaster. FML

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By puking now - Canada - Sherwood Park

My ears!

Today, my sister brought a guy home while our parents were out. They had sex in her bedroom. I heard everything. The worst part wasn't her stupidly excessive moaning; it was that the moans sounded eerily similar to a cow mooing. FML

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By Monkey - United States

Today, I woke up to my English bulldog standing over me, getting ready to pee. I didn't move in time. FML

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By neverbeensurprised - United States

Today, I found out my friend has been texting my long distance boyfriend more than I do. When I confronted her about it, she confessed that it was because they had been planning a surprise appearance for me. I've never been surprised before, and I ruined my own surprise. FML

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By jakethed0g - United Kingdom

Today, I was camping with my family, and had to share a tent with my 13 year old brother. During the night he had to pee, but instead of going outside to use the bathroom, he zipped open a section of the tent, stuck his knob through it, and peed all over my shoes that were drying outside. FML

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By sorrynotsorry - United States - Vancouver

Today, a customer told my boss I was too pushy because I asked her what bra size she wears. I work at a lingerie store. I got a stern lecture from my boss. FML

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By Austin - United States - Rancho Cordova

Today, I fell down the stairs of my apartment building because I thought my cat was a ghost. FML

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By FrozenD - Canada

Today, my furnace and all of my heating systems broke down. A fridge is 3 degrees Celsius; it is now 2 degrees Celsius in my house. I would be warmer in my fridge. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dayton

Today, I never really thought that my boyfriend and brother having the same name was too weird. Until I called out his name during climax. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2021 00:30

Landmine

Today, my sister told everyone she doesn't get mad at people anymore, and just accepts it. Today is also the day she folded laundry and threw my clothes around my room. Still not mad, just passive aggressive. FML

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By EosHelios - United States - Halethorpe

Today, I finally had one of my preschool students observed by the county for aggressive behavior intervention. Of course, he only started hitting my assistant and other students after the observer left. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I had to leave the movie theater early because I couldn't fit in the chairs. I guess I'll see it when it comes out on DVD. FML

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By Badam - France - Geaune

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She didn't say no, she didn't faint, and she didn't cry. She just stared at me blankly and said, "But... why...?" FML

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By Thisismylife - Canada

Today, I had pizza for lunch. Later, I passed out in front of a customer. Now I get to explain to my boss that I fainted on the job because of heartburn. FML

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By

Today, after getting home from shopping, I noticed a security tag was still on one of the shirts I bought. I decided to take it back and ask them to remove the tag. They then accused me of trying to steal (even after I showed them the receipt) and kicked me out of the store. FML

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By Carlyclose

Today, I got rejected from Sephora, Walgreens and Ulta for being OVER-qualified with a post-graduate diploma in cosmetic chemistry. Then, I got rejected from Estée Lauder, LVMH and Proctor and Gamble for being UNDER-qualified with a post-graduate diploma in cosmetic chemistry. FML

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By ashamed

Dad jokes, part #23556

Today, I finally let my parents meet a boyfriend of mine for the first time ever. My dad mentioned how he was happy to finally meet him, because for the past 4 years he'd thought I was gay. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Mom hobbies

Today, on a road trip my mom got out to walk her dog. Her jar of Marijuana fell out of the car and rolled across the parking lot. FML

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By girlymae - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I was in bed when I rolled over and saw a hand right beside my head. I freaked out and nearly peed myself, just to realize that it was the huggable heart pillow my boyfriend had given to me on Valentine's Day. FML

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By DimeShapedBruise - United States - Beaverton

Today, some asshat chewed me out over a 10 cent late fine he was charged on his library card. When I tried to explain the fine to him, he started mimicking me. Finally, as he chucked a dime at my head before storming out, I saw the glint of a Rolex watch from beneath his power suit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tupelo

Today, my 3-year-old pooped his pants in a public bathroom. As I was squatting down, doing my best to clean poop off of his legs and the floor, a wasp flew up my pant leg. I was stung four times before I danced it out of my pants. FML

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By ForeverAlone - Ukraine

Today, there was a big party at my workplace. The only person that was socializing with me in any way was my co-workers 4-year-old daughter. Before leaving, she drew smiley faces on plastic plates and napkins and gave them to me so I "will have some friends and not be all alone". FML

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By s13495 - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, I had my first interview in over a year. I panicked and passed out. FML

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By Kbizz - Canada

Today, I was excited about showing everyone at work my new piercing. It's in an interesting place in my ear, and its not that common. Before I had the chance to tell anyone about it, someone asked "Are you wearing a hearing aid?" FML

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By secret - United States - Ashford

Today, I got a text from my mom shaming me for forgetting my sister's birthday. It isn't her birthday today, it's mine. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

OCD

Today, I decided to dress up sexy for my boyfriend. I put on cute undies and a corset because they made the most of my assets. The first thing my boyfriend said was, "The colours don't match." FML

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By bender - Canada

Today, I decided that it would be good exercise to shovel the ice on the backyard patio. Now I can't stand up. FML

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By me - Bulgaria

Today, my roommate asked me to lock the door as we left our place. I told her to use my keys, because my hands were full. Afterwards, she and her boyfriend set off out of town for the next couple of days. She forgot to give me back my keys. FML

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By RYZILLAHitZ - United States

Today, as I was walking home from work, my dad drove past, pulled over, rolled down the window and asked, "Are you tired of walking?" To which I replied "Yes!" Just as I reached for the car door, he yelled "RUN A WHILE" and sped off. FML

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By Sabraynay

Today, my mom instructed me to never scream when being attacked by a rapist. Apparently it would only anger him, causing him to chop my boobs off and superglue my eyes shut. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2021 23:00

Bad actor

Today, I tried faking an orgasm for the first time, because I thought it would be sexy for my boyfriend. He stopped to ask me if I was okay. I guess I'm not good at faking it. FML

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By Emily J. - United States

Today, I realized that I text my boyfriend more than I see him. He's my next door neighbor. FML

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By Boo Boo - United States

Today, I went to get my blood drawn to see how far along I am pregnant. The lady stuck both my arms twice and then busted a vein in my right arm. She told me to come back tomorrow to try again. FML

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By poopshooter101 - United States

Volcanic

Today, I was at Walmart when my stomach began to hurt. I quickly waddled to the restroom in pain. As soon as I got in the stall, a huge crap exploded out of me. The child in the stall next to me started crying. When her mom asked what was wrong, she said that I'd "killed her nose." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I overheard my husband telling my step-dad that I have the same ability to sniff out chocolate in a house as a certain animal has to find truffles in the woods. FML

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By blahblahblah

Heart of Glass

Today, I was sitting on a stool by the stove while my dad was making stir-fry. The glass lid he had covering the skillet overheated and exploded. As huge shards of broken glass rained down on his only daughter's head, my dad's only concern was whether or not he would have to throw his food away. FML

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Top comments

By redbluegreen | 40

#203154 - Saturday 16 May 2009 13:09

You don't get much, do you?

By WhatThePhuc | 0

#614 - Sunday 8 February 2009 5:59

i'd think after a while you'd think "huh this foot feels funny..."

COMMENTS

By WhatThePhuc | 0

#614 - Sunday 8 February 2009 5:59

i'd think after a while you'd think "huh this foot feels funny..."

By blah_blah_shity | 0

#1484 - Thursday 12 February 2009 5:29

LOL loser

By citylights | 0

#4253 - Friday 20 February 2009 4:08

HAHAHAHAHA

Reply

IWATCHYOUSLEEP | 7

#4822093 - Thursday 16 August 2012 18:05

Tht face your making reminds me of Toby :o

By Botron | 0

#9974 - Sunday 1 March 2009 8:18

Jhnjdfn'lkjadhHAHhHhHahhahahahahahAHHAHAH. that's about the funniest thing ive heard in a while.

By milatoboy92 | 0

#22234 - Monday 9 March 2009 0:14

lmfao dude ive done the same thing

By mister_moops | 0

#41114 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 22:58

hahaha wow

you loser

By azzh0le | 0

#121322 - Saturday 18 April 2009 5:17

You obviously aren't very smart...

By redbluegreen | 40

#203154 - Saturday 16 May 2009 13:09

You don't get much, do you?

By retrosaxaphone | 0

#452832 - Monday 3 August 2009 9:28

Oh my the comments are funnier than the FML hahaha. Sux for you bro -- youll find someone... eventually

By kornonthecobb | 0

#579376 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 1:43

wow u got horny by playing footsie lol ur 1 special dude lol