Today, after class, my teacher pulled me aside and said "You...

By Jedi - United States

Today, after class, my teacher pulled me aside and said "You know, I never received the e-mail regarding your disabilities that your parents mentioned. Could you have them resend it?" What disabilities? FML

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Work

The opposite of a good idea

Relationships sink

Where are you?

By never dip the wick in crazy - Romania

Today, after months of patiently trying to help my girlfriend deal with her anger issues, she dumped me in a blind rage for sneezing. FML

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20259

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By Mogg - Australia

Today, I was at the cinema. There was a really tall woman in front of me and whenever I leaned to the right or left she would lean to the same side I do. Later, she started laughing. They guy next to her was telling her where I moved. FML

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By fatty punani - 5/6/2020 08:00

Sexy is in the eye of the beholder

Today, my husband thinks I stopped wearing underwear to be sexy. Truth is, I’ve gained so much weight during quarantine that even my granny panties no longer fit. FML

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1257

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By fuuuuuh - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, my family of five and I decided to have homemade sushi. We did not prepare the fish correctly, and now we all have excruciating food poisoning. The worst part? We only have one bathroom. FML

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12739

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By seriously? - United States - Spring

Today, while talking to my boyfriend, he got upset and accused me of making up words to make him feel stupid. All because I used the word "vapid." FML

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30435

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By Whoopsie - United States - Worcester

Today, I woke up loudly screaming from a "night" terror. I say "night"; I was actually at my desk at work, in the middle of the day, surrounded by dozens of co-workers in their cubicles. FML

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38709

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By tmi4me - United States

Today, my boss admitted she's having an affair. She's married to my brother. FML

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32210

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By maggotsinmycarpet - United States

Today, I was cleaning my room when I found a nice surprise from my cat. While I was on vacation, she killed a mouse. By the time I found it, there were maggots crawling in my carpet. FML

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37395

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By Me. - United States

Today, while taking pictures by the pool, my friend wanted to use my camera. I told her to put the wrist strap on so it wouldn't fall into the pool. She dropped the camera while trying to put the strap on. FML

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33750

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By peace out - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, I had to help my little sister do a first-grade project for school. For one part, they have to draw a picture of their role model. She drew a whale, and I asked, "A whale is your role model?" She laughed and said, "No! It's you!" FML

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40468

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By Baldy - New Zealand

Today, my wife told me that she was leaving me for someone with more hair. FML

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48482

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By A - Canada

Today, I received a phone call at work about an emergency and I had to come home immediately. I arrived to find that no one had been hurt and the house hadn't burned down. The "emergency" was my mom ran out of milk and cigarettes. FML

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By Oddy - 17/11/2020 05:02 - Italy

Keep your distance

Today, I travelled by myself for the first time. I was seated next to a middle-aged man who was trying to convince me that I was his soulmate, kept touching my face and sniffing me. I'm 19 and it was a 6 hour flight. FML

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1049

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By BlueBallMcGee - United States

Today, I came home from working twelve hours straight. Feeling rather frisky, I attempted to seduce my wife upon arriving home. She said that sleep was better than sex and went directly to bed. It was only 6:30 PM. FML

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64574

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By Landdownunder - United States

Comedy gold

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me and decided it'd be funny to blow raspberries in my crotch. He literally thought it was the funniest thing ever. FML

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1613

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By Anonymous

Today, I was touching myself in my room. Just as I hit the climax, my mom walked in because she heard me making noises and thought I was having a nightmare. FML

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2194

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By fmylifechelsea - Canada

Today, I was taking my boyfriend to meet my grandparents. They live on the 27th floor. Alone in the elevator we started making out. Turns out that theres a camera in the elevator, connected to every apartment. My grandma asked me how it was. FML

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44969

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By gimp. - United States

Today, I had surgery on my foot. The doctor told me I'd be on crutches for 6 months. I texted my boyfriend the news, promising lots of intimate favors if he'd watch movies with me while on bed rest for the next week. He texted back, "No way. I don't date cripples." Dumped for a broken foot. FML

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67169

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By insomniacap - United States - Stratford

Today, I am struggling with exhaustion due to insomnia. The reason I cannot sleep is crippling anxiety - not about my complicated romantic situation, my pileup of work, or even my relationship with my father. No, I'm afraid of a blind ship captain I saw in a dream three days ago. FML

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27496

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By sad - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I confided to my dad that my girlfriend had dumped me for another guy. He said "good" and explained that given how overpopulated the planet is, he's actually disappointed that I'm not gay. His advice was: "just wank it off and move on". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ridge

Today, my wife complained that the coffee grounds I swept into the sink grossed her out. Yesterday, I removed several panty-liners from her soiled underwear before doing the laundry. FML

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40021

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By K.S.S. - United States - Rushville

Today, when I tried to break up with my girlfriend of 2 years, she had no idea we were even dating. She thought of all the movies, dinners and "sleep overs" I had with her was because we were such great friends. FML

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By steven - Canada

Today, my friend said he'd give me 20 bucks if I would ask out the ugliest girl in school. I did it. She rejected me. FML

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By lying fuck! - 22/6/2020 14:02

Shameless

Today, I walked into my husband's office and accidentally interrupted his business call to tell him dinner was ready. Silly me, I didn’t realize his "business call" included Skyping with his topless ex, with his pants down. FML

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2776

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By random person - United States

Today, I finally got my laptop back after my friend broke it a few weeks ago. As I walked back into our place with my laptop in my bag, the same friend burst out and tackled me. My bag fell and slammed into the floor. Guess who has to pay for another repair. FML

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55097

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while on a cruise that I paid for, I was forced to babysit my 5 bratty nieces while my sister and her deadbeat boyfriend relaxed in the kid free zone. FML

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27347

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I fainted. Instead of stopping to help, some guy stopped to draw a penis on my forehead. The EMT laughed. FML

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51189

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3836

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, one of my closest friends informed me that she wasn't going to invite me to her wedding, because I'm too shy and not enough fun, and she doesn't want her 200 or so guests to feel uncomfortable. I was the one who set the happy couple up. FML

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63471

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By unknown002 - United States

Today, I stepped on the scale because I'm trying to maintain a good weight. The scale read that I had lost 6 pounds. Feeling really good about myself, I stepped off the scale only to see that the corner of the scale was sitting on the rug, making the scale mess up and tell me the wrong weight. FML

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11176

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By Anonymous - United States - Windsor Heights

Today, I had to take a drug test for a new job. I ended up spilling the cup of pee all over myself. I had to explain what had happened, then go sit in a waiting room full of disgusted-looking people, while I kept drinking water to fill my bladder back up. FML

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42303

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By MouserMan - Canada - Olds

Today, after emptying the dishwasher, I noticed something in the back by the drain. It looked like a turkey bone. Upon closer inspection, it was a mouse carcass. I have no idea how many loads of dishes have gone through with it in there. FML

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38018

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By superscrewed - United States

Today, I discovered that my supervisor has been submitting completed projects to our manager on time for everyone on the team but me. She has been deliberately making it appear as though I am weeks behind on my projects, when in reality I am one of the first ones done every month. FML

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By gimpy - United States

Today, I had to cut short my New Year's resolution of going to the gym daily, when the meathead next to me dropped some heavy weights, which bounced and landed on my foot. I'm sitting at home in a cast. FML

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By Diblo - 28/11/2019 04:00 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Diblo's story

Today, I was in a middle school for work experience. One of the teachers was reading the class I was in a story about a man called Diblo. Innocent enough, right? Nope. He repeatedly misread it as Dildo for the entire passage. The kids laughed. FML

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1826

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By OptMouse - Denmark - Lyngby

Today, my supervisor forced me to bring the image of a failed simulation to the group meeting, because he thought it looked funny. So did the others and it's now going on our webpage. I have to provide a scientific description of how I made a mistake in my code. FML

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26646

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By iwantpizza69 - United States

Today, I told the guy I have feelings for that I'm interested in, and asked him how he feels about it. He responded via text, saying, "I feel fairly neutral about that." FML

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33694

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting with my boyfriend watching the Super Nanny. He watches the show regularly and said he has learned some of her techniques. Apparently, he uses them on me when I'm acting irrational. FML

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13906

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By amywee - United Kingdom

Today, my dog received a christmas card before I did. FML

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32062

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By Anonymous

On yer bike

Today, I replaced the fog lights on my car and completely filled my gas tank. $50+ later, the transmission decided it wanted to go out. FML

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By pain - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that you should never use medical tape to secure gauze over a razor cut on your scrotum. FML

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Top comments

By davidtheday | 0

#4401 - Friday 20 February 2009 16:07

Now you know why you take the short bus to school. Sorry...

By ridiculous_gnome | 0

#4511 - Friday 20 February 2009 20:53

Do people talk slower and louder for you?

COMMENTS

By davidtheday | 0

#4401 - Friday 20 February 2009 16:07

Now you know why you take the short bus to school. Sorry...

By Amkii | 0

#4440 - Friday 20 February 2009 18:29

I lol'd.

By AliSama | 17

#4457 - Friday 20 February 2009 18:54

it is more the case of a mistaken identity. I would not worry about it.

By ilgatto | 0

#4492 - Friday 20 February 2009 20:19

happened to me too. well i always skipped gym when i was younger but i never got bad marks for it. when i was speaking to the guidance counselor one day, she mentioned my doctors note for getting out of it. i don't have any physical conditions!!