Intimacy: Today, I was getting ready for bed, when I decided to watch some... - FML

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was getting ready for bed, when I decided to watch some porno on the computer. Suddenly someone from my messenger list says, "You might want to turn off the 'What You're Listening To' option if you're watching porn." I snapped and exited the porn. 63 people saw. FML

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Commando

Our house, in the middle of our street

This Charming Man

By justmylife - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years called my house even though I was with him at the time. He needed to talk to my mom. He asked her to break up with me for him. FML

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By what did you say?

Whut?

Today, I went for a job interview. The woman interviewing me had such a thick accent that I had to keep asking her to repeat herself. She got so frustrated that she ended the interview super early. I don't think I got the job. FML

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By a4rk - Malaysia - Sibu

Today, my manager called me into his office and spent half an hour screaming at me for granting one of our workers so many religious off-days. Apparently, the name of these "religious observances" actually means something to the effect of "scoring some pussy" in Macedonian. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fulton

Today, I might have ruined my co-worker's relationship with her fiancé, with whom I share a name, because we "work together too often" and now he doesn't know who's she's saying during sex. FML

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By JustMyLuck - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriends house, meeting his family for the first time. We were all standing in the kitchen when suddenly a small white and brown mouse ran by. As a natural instinct, I stomped on it. Turns out, it was his little sister's pet mouse that had gotten out of its cage earlier. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after a long shift, I came home and cleaned my house so I could relax tomorrow. I finished up the night with a soothing bubble bath, which was lovely until the ceiling collapsed into the tub. I can't even wash the filth off because my bath is full of drain-clogging plaster. FML

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By squirts

Today, I arrived home after leaving for college in August. My dad figured that the most appropriate way to welcome me back was a loud, piercing fart right when I walked through the front door. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I canceled my dental check-up because I'm getting busy at work. Then, as I was flossing, my finger slipped, I heard a "crunch" from one of my fillings, and I now have a killer toothache. It's costing me double to go to the dentist because it's now an emergency call. FML

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By UnpaidBabysitter - United States - New York

Today, I was shut in a boiling hot room with six children: a 10-year-old who kept shouting, a belligerent 7-year-old, two 5-year-olds who thought hitting me was funny and two 2-year-olds, who wouldn't stop crying. Their parents were just outside, laughing away, ignoring me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going home with the tomato plant I just bought in my cup holder. The smell of it was filling the car and I love the smell so I picked it up and took a wiff. A few moments later I got pulled over. Apparantly, the cop saw me sniff it and thought I was smelling a marijuana plant. FML

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By me - United States - Floresville

Today, my 6-year-old daughter walked into the bathroom where I was grumbling about my weight. Seeing how upset I was, she took my hand and said, "Mom, you're not fat. You just look fat." FML

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By Bece420 - United States - Zanesville

Today, I decided to try a 7-minute exercise video to start working out and get in shape. I couldn’t make it though the video. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I woke up, rolled over, and kissed the boy who was peacefully sleeping next to me, cheerfully saying, "Good morning, baby!" That boy is my dog. FML

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By Good Parenting? - United States - Columbia

Today, my mother woke me up by putting a beer on my face. After 15 minutes of her telling me to "just take a sip" and me rejecting it, I finally did just to shut her up. She then yelled at me for giving in to "peer pressure". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got diarrhea while on a trip with my daughters. At our third stop, I had to sit in the stall listening to my 5 year-old informing everyone who came in that "mommy is stopping at EVERY bathroom to poop." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Heavy

Today, a 100-foot maple tree fell on my house. I was inside. I was sleeping. FML

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By Anonymous

All out in the open

Today, my 18-year-old boyfriend took some extremely strong painkillers that unfortunately gave him a giddy sense of euphoria. He then stripped naked in his parents' lounge room and yelled, "You've all seen it before!" His really religious parents didn't know this. FML

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By aisbash - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was waitressing at work, when a woman decided to change her baby's nappy on a table. One moment I was asking her to leave, and the next, she was shoving a fully shat-out nappy into my hands. She asked me to get rid of it and fetch her baby wipes. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Oundle

Today, in the middle of the supermarket, my 7 year old son asked me what a cocksucker is and why his mum always calls me that. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I overheard my husband telling my step-dad that I have the same ability to sniff out chocolate in a house as a certain animal has to find truffles in the woods. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Doylestown

Today, my dad stopped me mid-sentence and said he wanted to punch me in the face and set me on fire for using the word "selfie". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kill Devil Hills

Today, my wife came back from her camping trip with her friends. I decided to help her out by unpacking her stuff while she used the bathroom. It's funny; I never knew that a dildo, a ball gag and an open pack of condoms were considered camping gear. FML

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By deadman - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my mom came into my room to give me a goodbye kiss. Due to the routine of my girlfriend doing the exact same thing in the exact same spot, I held the kiss way longer than what a mother/son kiss should last. My mom actually had to tell me to "let go". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my 24-year-old brother again yelled at me for looking at him while he was on the toilet. It'd be easier not to if he didn't sit on the toilet with the door wide open, and if the bathroom wasn't directly opposite my bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newton Center

Today, my daughter had a vocabulary assignment. She had to find five new words in books and movies. She was watching Shrek, so her first word was "thong". FML

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By Clader - France

Today, it's 2:23 in the morning, and my drunken girlfriend has just rung me up from a party where she's the only girl there. She seems to be having a great time. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2020 04:02 - Japan - Okayama

Can't buy me love

Today, I realized while paying bills on my phone I fat-fingered which credit card I was paying and sent 299 to a paid-off card instead of 200 to another one. Now I'm going to have overdraft fees too. FML

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By janegeorge - Canada - Kanata

Today, a guy called me out of the blue. Apparently, he'd copied my number from a sheet we'd filled out in church. He doesn't understand why I'm "overreacting". FML

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By Anonymous - France - Saint-renan

Today, at the age of 57, my dad got a unicorn tattooed on his shoulder. FML

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By mydaughterisdisturbed - United States - Huntingburg

Today, my 14-year-old daughter convinced my son that when he was born, he was actually born as a girl, but we wanted a boy so bad we had his gender changed. Now he wants to change back to a girl because now he doesn't feel right as a boy. Last year, she got her other brother to cross dress. FML

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By goldfish - Canada

Today, I came home to an eviction notice after an apartment inspection. The reason? Having an unauthorized pet that could cause unnecessary damage to my suite. My pet is a goldfish. FML

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By pinkpurplegurl - China

Today, while taking the subway home, a woman offered me her seat. I smiled and declined. She said she insisted because of my "pregnancy". I was too ashamed to say I'm not pregnant that I just took the seat. FML

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By bushwhacker - United States - Wichita

Today, it's been almost two months that I've been taking hair, skin and nails vitamins. The only thing growing noticeably longer, faster, stronger, and healthier are my pubes. I've never sheared a sheep before, but I imagine the maintenance I just did was comparable. FML

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By j0hn - United States

Today, I saw my mom sneaking meat into her spaghetti sauce. She told me she sneaks meat into most of the food she cooks. I've been a vegetarian for 8 years. FML

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By ari - United States

Wankers of the world unite!

Today, I found out why teenage boys have "Keep out" and "Please knock" signs on their bedroom doors. FML

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By Bethany - United States - Cable

Today, yet again, I was getting intimate with my shower head. Some complete genius decided to flush the toilet downstairs halfway through, which sent scalding-hot water all up in my privates. I've yet to find a comfortable sitting position. FML

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By Ugh - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that I moan too much when we have sex. I actually just fake my moans in an effort to cover the sound of my cracking hips. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Dukinfield

Today, I found out that boyfriend doesn't think he needs to wipe his ass after he shits if he's going straight in the shower because he can just "clean it up in there". We share a loofah. FML

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By Anonymous

Catfished!

Today, I found out my husband has been "cheating" on me with some girl from Russia that he has to pay for regularly. This explains why he never has any money, he's actually dumb enough to be scammed. FML

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By H-B - United States

Today, I went out with a girl who I really love. We arrived to her house and before she got out of the car, I attempted to kiss her as planned. Still drunk, I grabbed her head and twisted it when I kissed her. She's now wearing a neck brace. Real smooth. FML

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Top comments

By ohhboyy | 0

#140708 - Saturday 25 April 2009 2:17

that would've been great if 69 ppl saw.. haw

By trixr4kids | 0

#140690 - Saturday 25 April 2009 2:14

HAHAHA
dumbass

COMMENTS

By trixr4kids | 0

#140690 - Saturday 25 April 2009 2:14

HAHAHA
dumbass

Reply

aad2307 | 0

#2055862 - Monday 7 February 2011 20:42

Oh, OP is Canadian.
explains it.

Reply

abbyelizabeth | 9

#3399639 - Friday 7 October 2011 6:41

Who goes on Messenger anymore?

Reply

unicornpower56 | 7

#5130700 - Friday 9 November 2012 8:50

142, this was in '09. I used to go on messenger till '10. And Ur post was in '11, it's '12 now, a year later. I answered Ur reply. Lmfao wtf

Reply

Cryptic17_fml | 4

#5313403 - Monday 7 January 2013 22:43

WELL NOW IT'S '13 and you better start prepping because the world did infact end

Reply

PDN | 12

#5789128 - Thursday 12 December 2013 1:50

I'm going to come back again to comment in '14. Just wait, I'll try to have something funny prepped ^_^

Reply

Ashamed_Sister | 60

#5853890 - Monday 10 February 2014 14:13

It's '14 and I'm waiting for your funny comment...

On the other hand, I just wonder how long these belated replies will go on. Maybe I will return in 2030.

Reply

WordAficionada | 19

#5949970 - Monday 19 May 2014 12:25

I'm here in '14 too, haha I hope this continues each year.

Reply

scooterdude720 | 19

#6057484 - Friday 5 September 2014 23:07

I'm going to favorite this then comment in '15. See ya next year!

Reply

Lacalema | 21

#6172400 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 10:14

I feel like I'm from the future! 15'!
Awww but soon this will just be another reply from the past...

Reply

theboywonder99 | 8

#6274438 - Sunday 26 April 2015 23:53

I'm here in '15 too but I'll be here for '16

Reply

AlaskanChild | 10

#6294914 - Tuesday 19 May 2015 0:13

You never did comment

Reply

cocofan187 | 8

#6461924 - Sunday 15 November 2015 15:00

Its 2099, I'm here waiting for yall

Reply

ZazatheGreat | 5

#6515372 - Wednesday 20 January 2016 13:53

I'm here in '16. I wonder how long this will go...

Reply

xLIGHTS_fml | 23

#6524735 - Sunday 31 January 2016 5:47

I'm also here in '16!

Reply

epicgamer | 18

#6550914 - Thursday 3 March 2016 0:49

lol, let's see if we can get the fml staff to add on.

Reply

Sirin_fml | 46

#6550915 - Thursday 3 March 2016 0:51

What is this? YouTube? Oh, right...

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
ＤＡＭＮＴＨＩＳＣＯＭＭＥＮＴＩＳＳＨＩＴ
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

Reply

epicgamer | 18

#6565076 - Wednesday 23 March 2016 0:08

lol

Reply

Bliepje | 22

#6707629 - Sunday 30 October 2016 23:33

still here... no funny comments... long time waiting

By applefanboy | 0

#140695 - Saturday 25 April 2009 2:15

HAHAHA.. oh man.....

By sunshine13_fml | 0

#140702 - Saturday 25 April 2009 2:16

aaahahahhhahahahhaa
i lol'd

By fuckmyl1f333 | 0

#140703 - Saturday 25 April 2009 2:16

ouch, thats pretty damn funny

By ohhboyy | 0

#140708 - Saturday 25 April 2009 2:17

that would've been great if 69 ppl saw.. haw

By ammali | 0

#140715 - Saturday 25 April 2009 2:18

HAHA, nice. How do you know 63 people saw? You got that many IMs? Or you just mean that many people were online? Because if so, it will probably make you feel better to realise that likely, only a few of them saw.

By Serial | 2

#140728 - Saturday 25 April 2009 2:21

i hope it was a porno with a good name

Reply

FUUUandyourmom | 16

#2962497 - Sunday 24 July 2011 4:33

"Girl in latex gets fucked in the ass."

By _blank | 0

#140731 - Saturday 25 April 2009 2:22

LMAO
YOU SOOO DESERVE IT

By TheDarkoprince | 0

#140739 - Saturday 25 April 2009 2:23

Lmao #5

Haha but wow that's really dumb, well hopefully most were good enough friends that you can probably just laugh it off.

By alicemassie | 0

#140749 - Saturday 25 April 2009 2:24

one a lot like this was already posted: http://www.fmylife.com/search/result/?texte=49f2583e75d08&article=1&from=top