Miscellaneous: Today, whilst my parents and I were out, my older brother thought... - FML

By Spawn_of_Satan - Hong Kong

Today, whilst my parents and I were out, my older brother thought it would be funny to play porn on my computer. At full volume. With my window wide open. Now my next-door neighbors tell their kids I'm a spawn of Satan, and the weird guy from across the street winks at me. FML

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Serious times

Commando

You tried

By Anonymous - 28/1/2021 20:01 - Panama - Cuba

I blame the parents

Today, after being kicked out of our school for leaving the country, neither of my guardians want to take charge of our education. So me, being sixteen, I have to do hundreds of assignments for my sister and me, who was already supposed to have graduated. Yay "Home schooling." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw an attractive, thin woman eating a salad. Trying to be smooth, I approached her and told her that she didn't need to eat so scarcely, because she was beautiful. She promptly gave me a dirty look and informed me that she was a vegetarian. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I confronted my lousy, loud, messy neighbors about the trash they throw in my yard. They responded by throwing my trash in their yard, then called the police to report me for vandalism and illegal dumping when I returned their trash. Guess who has a court appearance in two weeks. FML

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By Kirby - United States

Today, as I was walking back to my dorm, I looked down and thought "I wonder why the ground is wet in just this one spot." Then I got hit with a water balloon. FML

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By now what - 26/7/2020 05:01

Family extension

Today, I ran into a friend that I hadn't seen in about 5 years. She had her 4-year-old son with her. I couldn’t help but notice her son looked almost identical to mine. He even had a very distinct facial feature that my husband has as well. What are the odds all three of them have the same defect? FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2021 17:01 - Panama - Cuba

Send nudes

Today, my boyfriend said he regrets loving or even meeting me because of the distance between us, and because I won't send nudes. FML

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By Baskets-Tailleur - France

Today, as I was putting on sports shoes to get to a job interview in a hurry, a man ran past me and grabbed my formal shoes while shouting, "Ninja!" Try explaining to the guy at the interview why I was wearing sneakers with a skirt suit. FML

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By biomajor99 - United States - Middletown

Today, I had to explain to my 23-year-old female friend that when I get my hysterectomy, I will still be able to poop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westminster

Today, working as a cashier, I had a customer come through and ask to purchase a bag of ice. I asked, "Eight pound or twenty pound?", referring to the clearly marked weight of the bags. He replied, "What's the difference?" FML

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By notamathematician - United States

Today, I told my mom I was 3 months pregnant, expecting her to be happy. Instead, she screamed that I was no longer her daughter and she never wanted to see me again before throwing me out of her house, because I got pregnant out of wedlock. Nice math mom. I've been married for 5 months. FML

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By lovergirl - United States - Orem

Off to a good start!

Today, I received an email from a potential employer with an awesome job opportunity. I was so excited, I immediately went to forward the email to my husband. My email included a lot of "I love you" and "we are going to celebrate tonight ;)". In my excitement, I hit reply instead of forward. FML

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By nomorenakedpicsplease - Canada - Leduc

Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend gives out my number to guys who ask for hers. Let's just say that I'll never be able to unsee the pictures that were sent to me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after explaining to my four-year-old why our new puppy was peeing on things to mark his territory, my son decided to follow suit and pee all over our house. FML

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By lifsabtch

Today, I went out to meet a wonderful woman I'd chatted with online. I did have a few fears about if she was really just some guy trying to make a fool out of me. When I met her, she really was a girl, and was happy to see me. Problem: she was actually 13. I'm 34. FML

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By hannahlorraine - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, my very drunken mother came home. She then barged into the shower with me, still completely clothed, and gave me the longest, most awkward hug of a lifetime. After she left me still in shock, she came back and did it again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gournay-sur-marne

Today, I went to see the school counselor to schedule my classes for school. She asked me if I knew how to speak English. My parents are Chinese and I don't even know how to speak Chinese. I've lived in America my whole life. Plus, I even spoke to her in English to ask about classes. FML

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By Ravenclaw/Puckwudgie

Today, I got a haircut and met up with a friend for lunch. Said friend then burst out laughing, saying my haircut made me look like Professor Snape. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oceanside

Today, my husband's ex-girlfriend is getting a restraining order on him. Turns out, for the past 2 years of our marriage, he has been trying to contact her and ditching work to stalk her. To top it all off, he told me not to come to court with him because he doesn't want her to see he downgraded. FML

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By bossproblems - United States - Orlando

Today, I found out how my salesmen are "entertaining" themselves since they were told they can't have their cell phones on them. They are pulling straws to see who will pretend to trip and fall face-first onto the floor in front of customers. FML

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By LieutenantDimwit - 30/4/2021 18:01 - Jordan

Teenagers…

Today, my uncle picked up a tissue box and threw it at my sister for fun. My sister got mad and yeeted the box at me. I reacted with the same action, but she lost her crap and kicked and punched me. When I reported the incident to my parents, I get berated and my sister got away with it. FML

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By cunting cuntface of a boss - Australia

Today, I had to proofread a document my boss had written. When I pointed out that he spelled "college" as "collage" multiple times, he angrily accused me of trying to make him look stupid. This is the guy who constantly boasts about his "genius" IQ level to the whole office. FML

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By Jennie

Scribble your name across my heart…

Today, I sent a guy in my English class a rose. He's kind of an outcast, so I though it would be a nice gesture. I asked him later how his day was going and he said, "Good. I got a rose this morning, but I could tell it was from a guy. The handwriting was awful." FML

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By SerenityJ - United States - Mountain View

Kids talk

Today, while sitting in a crowded waiting room at the doctor's office, my 5-year-old daughter pointed at my 6-year-old son's crotch and boomed, "MOM, WHY DOES ANDY HAVE A FINGER DOWN THERE?" to which he yelled, "IT'S CALLED A COCK!" FML

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By snoozlagist - United States

Today, while on the bus, I began to fall asleep. Suddenly, a man next to me started laughing very loudly, scaring me and jolting me out from my nap. I was so scared, I reflexively punched the girl in front of me in the face. I was pinned down by three other men while the cops were called. FML

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By LiLGeek - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking for our bubblegum flavored "numbing" lotion to have some morning fun. We couldnt find it anywhere. After about 10 minutes, my little nephew comes from my room crying and drool coming out of his mouth. He smelt like bubblegum, his mouth and tongue were all numb. FML

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By Jussy - 26/1/2021 17:01

Report card

Today, while assisting my kindergartener with distance learning, it became apparent what an incompetent bumbling mess his teacher is. In-person learning resumes next week, and I'm terrified to leave my child in a classroom with this man. FML

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By Elisa_LmR - France

Today, like every other day for many years, I have a phobia of bananas. This evening, the phobia came to a head when I had a nightmare in which I was stabbed to death by a gang of walking bananas. FML

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By latenightbite - United States

Today, I found out why my roommate and best friend comes home late three nights a week. She goes to get drunk with some guy, then goes back to his house to hook up. Who is this guy? The guy I've been dating for three years. FML

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By pinocchio - United States

Today, during my honeymoon, my wife and I finally went scuba-diving. My nose was too big to fit in the face goggles, so I couldn't go. My wife went without me anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Latrobe

Today, for the first time in my life, a girl hit on me. Specifically, a lesbian who thought I was a girl. FML

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By socianx - Albania

Today, I was to give a business report to several important shareholders. Right at the start, I broke into a coughing fit, then got so nervous that I froze up. When I tried to excuse myself, I tripped over my own feet. I'm now facing demotion for making the company look bad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent my last $50 to get a ticket to take my daughter out for a nice birthday dinner tonight. It wasn't until after I purchased it that I realized the restaurant isn't even open on Mondays. FML

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By Disappointed - United States - Lexington

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary. All I got was him stopping by for a quickie before he went into work. FML

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By Whosthegroom - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent out a mass text to everyone on her contact list. She's getting married in a month. I didn't propose to her. FML

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By AzrielB

Today, my friend, who had begged me to buy them a plane ticket after being stranded overseas, blocked me. They didn't even use the ticket. FML

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By fart - United States - Houghton Lake

Today, I farted while asking a girl out to dinner. FML

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By leaftheerickson - United States - Bohemia

Today, I tried to do my leaf collection project for biology, which ended with me being hospitalized because of an allergy attack. I have no idea what I'm allergic to, but my doctor says I should just assume I'm "allergic to all leaves, ever." FML

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By Goodtimes

Trust

Today, I had to dump my girlfriend because of tons of trust issues that kept reappearing. Shortly afterwards, my credit card disappeared and I got to experience my first identity theft. All within 24 hours. FML

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By Wowsers. - United Kingdom

Today, I was woken up by my own fart. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the only thing I got for my birthday was my boyfriend's offer to give me "the gift of anal". FML

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Top comments

By shehzeenahmed | 0

#63362 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:34

wink back. see what happens.

By yayaOMG | 0

#63358 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:34

LMFAO AT THE WEIRD GUY THING.
Creepy as hell.

COMMENTS

By zoo_fml | 0

#63345 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:32

LMFAO

Reply

UnluckyDom | 0

#1036449 - Sunday 20 June 2010 4:38

 LOL thats good.

Reply

ItsCommonSense | 0

#1341477 - Friday 3 September 2010 4:43

how do they know it was you? I don't get it.

Reply

forgettingsunday | 0

#2482128 - Monday 9 May 2011 13:33

who really gives a shit what your neighbors think, besides the dursleys? I think I would do that to my sister.

Reply

mduffy08 | 8

#2738649 - Wednesday 22 June 2011 23:41

ROFLMAO

By yayaOMG | 0

#63358 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:34

LMFAO AT THE WEIRD GUY THING.
Creepy as hell.

By shehzeenahmed | 0

#63362 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:34

wink back. see what happens.

Reply

Rach_star | 0

#603231 - Sunday 4 October 2009 20:04

LOL

Reply

ZleveL | 0

#1075057 - Friday 9 July 2010 8:09

HOLY JESUS CAKES my name is Ahmed too! but I think it's spelled Ahmad for me... oh hell I don't know =P

Reply

eazyemad | 0

#2366514 - Monday 18 April 2011 7:23

genius

By Safko | 0

#63367 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:35

spawn of satan ..... nice :3

By angelgrl01 | 0

#63395 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:42

spawn of satan...very nice but that sucks that that happened to you

By dnb23 | 0

#63402 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:42

This is why you always lock your computer... YDI for that, but it's still FYL because he did some crazy shit like that.

By Tri_fml | 5

#63405 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:43

Epic! :D

By voulez_vous | 0

#63427 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:51

Hahaha. That's hilarious. I would totally wink back at the guy if I were you. And you should so work the 'spawn of satan' thing. Do BAMF things, and the people will be too scared to yell at you.

By mf_fml | 0

#63463 - Friday 27 March 2009 23:05

"spawn of satan"
YESSSSS.

By Go_for_it | 0

#63467 - Friday 27 March 2009 23:09

#9 hahaha! That's pure genius