Today, whilst my parents and I were out, my older brother thought... - FML

By Spawn_of_Satan - 27/3/2009 15:18 - Hong Kong

Today, whilst my parents and I were out, my older brother thought it would be funny to play porn on my computer. At full volume. With my window wide open. Now my next-door neighbors tell their kids I'm a spawn of Satan, and the weird guy from across the street winks at me. FML

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Understandable

Dangling modifier

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

By Anonymous - 7/11/2019 05:45

Alone

Today, I was feeling really down and decided to text a friend to vent to someone about it. Then I realized, I don’t have any friends. FML

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By Gg - 23/7/2009 21:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I bust my lip when a car bumped into mine. As I headed home, I was stopped by the police who told me my back light was out. I tried to explain, but it just came out as "fghjiljh" because of my lip. I was arrested on suspicion of drinking and driving. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2009 14:48 - United States

Today, I decided I would eat healthy in order to lose weight. Feeling powerful, I threw away all of the icecream in my freezer. An hour later, I picked the icecream carton out of the garbage and ate the entire half-melted carton. FML

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By allgrowedup - 12/2/2011 03:10 - United States

Today, my mom left me at home with a babysitter. I'm 17. FML

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By just-a-fat-cat - 3/5/2016 03:25 - United States - West Bend

Today, I noticed my cat was making a loud wheezing noise when trying to breathe, so I rushed him to the vet's. $250.00 worth of tests later, he's fine. Just really fat. FML

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By shield1123 - 29/9/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, I realized that my bike was stolen. It was no big deal, my name and number was on it, but it was a crappy bike anyway. I live 3 miles away, and while I was on my walk home I noticed a bike had been thrown through my principal's window. Who's bike was it? Mine. FML

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By Thisismylife - 26/1/2015 06:55 - Canada

Today, I had pizza for lunch. Later, I passed out in front of a customer. Now I get to explain to my boss that I fainted on the job because of heartburn. FML

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By rubgy_lover - 27/6/2013 15:02 - Canada - Surrey

Today, at work, I politely asked a patron to be quieter; I was hit in the face. I work in a library. FML

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By steakysteak - 12/3/2010 15:06 - United States

Today, I got a package in the mail from my girlfriend. I was really excited until I realized that it was just a box full things that I gave to her. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2009 17:46 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up behind my cat and scare it with a loud "boo!" The cat responded by jumping up, and running across my apartment, which would have been fine, except for the fact she left a trail of liquid shit everywhere she went. FML

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By Annonymous - 17/12/2010 02:28

Today, my neighbors put up their Christmas lights. They blink red and green on and off. Ever since they put them up, my dog hasn't stopped barking. It's 2:00AM. FML

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By FlGirl - 24/12/2009 07:00 - United States

Today, I stepped outside for a smoke. It was 1 a.m. Thinking no one was around, I let out a series of loud, nasty-sounding farts. I looked over to my left to see the neighbor, whom I've never met, also smoking, and staring at me. That was his first impression of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2016 14:52 - United States - Dallas

Today, I made the decision to lighten my hair from dark brown to blonde. I thought the stylist knew what she was doing, but I ended up with my hair fried off and orange. FML

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By Harry Dare - 2/9/2011 16:31 - United Kingdom

Today, just after waking up, I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend in the mirror. Not knowing I was awake, she sniffed at her armpits, started gagging, then quietly came back to bed. FML

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By rozziepop - 30/3/2012 05:37 - United States - Visalia

Today, I saw my 22-year-old boyfriend blow his nose into his hand, then wipe his snot on our couch. There was a box of tissues directly in front of him. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2019 20:01

Today, my boyfriend let it slip that he thinks of my best friend when he masturbates because he like to have the "freedom and variety." FML

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By crazy cat lady - 3/12/2014 23:24 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I learned I'm allergic to the 5-month-old kitten we got 3 days ago. It loves me, follows me everywhere and sleeps on my lap in the evenings. FML

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By stoolgal - 23/9/2016 06:19 - United States - Yukon

Today, I found out after a lot of panic and a visit to the gynecologist that the lump in my vagina isn't cancer. I was just constipated. FML

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By Boob - 7/1/2010 16:36 - United Kingdom

Today, for my art project, I spent hours painting my whole body in black spots with acrylic paint. I then went and stood outside in the snow, naked, so I could take pictures of it. Only then to find out the camera was out of batteries. FML

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By asshole - 19/4/2020 20:00

Doing his part

Today, I found out that while I was at my job as an "essential" employee, my laid-off boyfriend was at home banging the landlord's daughter. FML

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By LawSchoolBoi - 30/4/2019 00:00

Today, I told my roommate she had to pay $55 to replace a piece of the oven she broke. She told me I was being selfish and decided to illegally break our lease because I was, "making her feel unsafe." Now I not only have to pay for the oven repair, I also have to pay her next two month's rent. FML

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By Love stinks - 19/8/2013 13:06 - United States

Today, my band informed me that our gig this afternoon was actually a wedding. Whose wedding? My ex-wife's, along with the guy she cheated on me with. For their first dance, I had to sing what used to be our song. FML

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By hatelife - 14/6/2011 18:37 - United States

Today, I went to visit my boyfriend at work. That's where I met his pregnant girlfriend. FML

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By AwkwardMoments - 26/1/2017 14:00

Today, while napping on the couch, I had a very vivid dream about a girl I like. I woke up to my mother and father choking back laughter and recording me on their phones. I don't know what's worse: waking up with a boner in front of my parents or finding out I was also talking dirty in my sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2020 07:58 - United States - Greensburg

Stuck on amber

Today, my wife and mother of my kids said she doesn't want sex. Or a divorce. FML

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By Amy - 10/5/2012 19:14 - Canada - Prince George

Today, I woke up, only to find my arm was still asleep. I tried to move it just a tiny bit, but somehow ended up punching myself in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2012 00:29 - United States - Bellingham

Today, while my mother's blind friend was waiting in our kitchen for my mom to come home, I thought it would be funny to talk to her in the nude. Turns out she's only blind in one eye. FML

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By Boner Ben - 8/11/2018 03:00

Today, I found out that the play I'm doing requires me to strip naked and get an erection for a few scenes. It didn’t come up in rehearsal and the play starts in 2 days. I'm not sure how to tell my family who are coming from out of town that my first role involves me playing with my boner. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2011 11:44 - United States

Today, at work, a homeless woman called me trash, threw her coffee at me, and told me to get a job. I do have a job. It's homeless outreach. FML

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By ocean555 - 7/3/2011 00:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that my Facebook profile picture, of me between my boyfriend and a friend, is actually me between my boyfriend and the girl he has been cheating on me with. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2013 16:13 - United States - Craftsbury

Today, while working, I thought, "I wish my kittens could text so I can talk to them throughout the day." And then I realized, I'm that cat lady you read about. FML

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By fuckyou - 21/5/2019 06:00

Today, my girlfriend took me to see my favorite band live. Afterwards, we were lucky enough to run into the lead guitarist, who promptly asked her if she'd like to go back to his hotel room. She accepted. FML

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By polish_chik - 1/9/2009 04:00 - Canada

Today, I saw a poor helpless cat in the middle of the road while driving. I pulled over and scooped it in my arms to bring it to safety. Not only did I get mauled and scratched by the cat, my car also wasn't put in park and rolled away hitting a parked car. FML

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By LightsOut - 3/5/2011 17:58 - United States

Today, I finished working a 70 hour work week. I'm a lineman for the electric company, and worked extended hours all week getting people's lights back on after a wind storm. When I got home, my power was out. FML

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By mariama - 23/1/2013 17:45 - United States

Today, I visited my family. Over the course of 2 hours, my brother punched me, and my mom slapped me across the face after drinking way too much wine. When I started gathering my things to leave, my mom started crying about how I don't visit enough. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2013 04:16 - United States - Great Falls

Today, I lent a pair of expensive headphones to a "friend" for the weekend. As a thank-you, he bought me a soda. He moved this weekend, taking the headphones with him. I lost a $250 pair of headphones for a $1 soda. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2016 16:58 - Belgium - De Pinte

Today, my co-workers decided in our meeting with my boss that everything is my fault. When asked for examples, they couldn't come up with any. Now they are mad at me, because I'm apparently good at my job. FML

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By lunarboy - 17/2/2009 00:24 - United States

Today, I decided to watch some porn before bed. The lights were off and my roommate was already asleep behind me. I put on my noise-canceling headphones and turned up the volume all the way. After a few strokes my roommate got up and plugged in the headphones for me. FML

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By dogless - 15/10/2019 06:00

Creepy

Today, at my surprise birthday party, my neighbor gave me a new dog collar. My dog was run over by him a week ago. FML

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By Alyssa - 31/3/2012 18:53 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I was kicked out of my review lecture at community college, for "being a disturbance and refusing to stop whistling." I wasn't even given a chance to explain that I have a cold. FML

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Top comments

By shehzeenahmed | 0

#63362 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:34

wink back. see what happens.

By yayaOMG | 0

#63358 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:34

LMFAO AT THE WEIRD GUY THING.
Creepy as hell.

COMMENTS

By zoo_fml | 0

#63345 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:32

LMFAO

Reply

UnluckyDom | 0

#1036449 - Sunday 20 June 2010 4:38

 LOL thats good.

Reply

ItsCommonSense | 0

#1341477 - Friday 3 September 2010 4:43

how do they know it was you? I don't get it.

Reply

forgettingsunday | 0

#2482128 - Monday 9 May 2011 13:33

who really gives a shit what your neighbors think, besides the dursleys? I think I would do that to my sister.

Reply

mduffy08 | 8

#2738649 - Wednesday 22 June 2011 23:41

ROFLMAO

By yayaOMG | 0

#63358 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:34

LMFAO AT THE WEIRD GUY THING.
Creepy as hell.

By shehzeenahmed | 0

#63362 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:34

wink back. see what happens.

Reply

Rach_star | 0

#603231 - Sunday 4 October 2009 20:04

LOL

Reply

ZleveL | 0

#1075057 - Friday 9 July 2010 8:09

HOLY JESUS CAKES my name is Ahmed too! but I think it's spelled Ahmad for me... oh hell I don't know =P

Reply

eazyemad | 0

#2366514 - Monday 18 April 2011 7:23

genius

By Safko | 0

#63367 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:35

spawn of satan ..... nice :3

By angelgrl01 | 0

#63395 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:42

spawn of satan...very nice but that sucks that that happened to you

By dnb23 | 0

#63402 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:42

This is why you always lock your computer... YDI for that, but it's still FYL because he did some crazy shit like that.

By Tri_fml | 5

#63405 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:43

Epic! :D

By voulez_vous | 0

#63427 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:51

Hahaha. That's hilarious. I would totally wink back at the guy if I were you. And you should so work the 'spawn of satan' thing. Do BAMF things, and the people will be too scared to yell at you.

By mf_fml | 0

#63463 - Friday 27 March 2009 23:05

"spawn of satan"
YESSSSS.

By Go_for_it | 0

#63467 - Friday 27 March 2009 23:09

#9 hahaha! That's pure genius