Miscellaneous: Today, whilst my parents and I were out, my older brother thought... - FML

By Spawn_of_Satan - Hong Kong

Today, whilst my parents and I were out, my older brother thought it would be funny to play porn on my computer. At full volume. With my window wide open. Now my next-door neighbors tell their kids I'm a spawn of Satan, and the weird guy from across the street winks at me. FML

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Proactive

Commando

Sorry…

By Anonymous - 14/4/2020 14:00

Yappy neighborhood

Today, I don't think my neighbours realize that, by getting that dog they have been wanting, they ruined the peace and quiet of the entire neighbourhood, consisting of ten houses. I'm the person underneath whose window that dog barks every day - mostly when I'm either trying to fall asleep or wanting to sleep in. FML

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By yuck - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was out riding and a seagull pissed on me. It got in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was the last person in line for going on the bus. Incidentally, I was right behind a guy way taller and wider than me. When he got on the bus, the bus driver immediately shut the door behind him. I was left outside chasing after the bus. FML

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By anon - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I told my grandma my boyfriend had cheated on me. She told me that it was my fault for not straightening my hair, and for gaining a few pounds. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up with a carpet burn. From sleeping. Alone. In my bed. FML

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By dude - United States

Today, I was walking downtown when a bum approached me for some change. I planned to give a couple dollars but after pulling out my wallet exposing my cash, the bum beat me unconscious. The bum is a 5'0" tall woman; I'm a 6'2" male out $200. FML

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By dangit - United States

Today, I went to interview with potential new roommates at a cooperative living house. I decided to bake cookies for everyone, and while touring the house, I forgot about the cookies and set off a small oven fire. All this after professing how responsible I am. FML

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By Dutchee - Netherlands

Today, I realized the universal beauty that can be found in a pancake. I'm not sure if I have reached spiritual enlightenment, or if I should have my head examined. FML

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By Bonngoo - United States

Today, at school, we were supposed to say something that we are thankful for. When I was about to speak, one of the girls at my table said, "It's okay, you can say PornHub." FML

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By galen - United States

Today, I hooked up with a girl from the bar. We went back to my place and started making out, I took off her shirt and bra and started kissing her breasts. I felt her chest hair tickle my tongue. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Medina

Today, I woke up on my boyfriend's bedroom floor. When I asked him why I was there, he said I'd gotten too hot, so he rolled me off his bed. I have the flu and a fever. FML

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By Mike

Today, I received the Christmas gift I bought for my sister in the mail. I also received a nearly $200 bill for shipping fees, taxes, etc. for a $50 blanket from Canada. FML

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By n77 - Switzerland

Today, at work, a customer went to try on a pair of pants. A few minutes later, she hurriedly returned and put the pants back on the shelf without saying anything. I later found out she'd come down with a bout of diarrhea and apparently didn't want to pay for the dry-cleaning. Glamorous. FML

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By goner - United States

Today, my wife and I decided it would be funny to pull a prank on her family who we were going to see for dinner. I hid in the foyer while she went in and announced to her parents that she was leaving me. I watched as her mother hugged her daughter and cried "Finally..." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I read the instructions on my new prescription constipation medicine: "For best results, defecate before use." FML

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By waitforit - United States

Today, I thought it would be really hot to watch porn while my girlfriend and I were having sex. I got so hot and aroused that I came before the previews even ended. That was less than one minute. FML

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By meeks123 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I was arrested for drinking in public. It was my friend who was drinking; I was taking the alcohol from her so she wouldn't be arrested. FML

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By UnpredictableSurface

Today, a tattoo artist send me home without tattoo because the acne on my back has gotten so bad, he refused to work on such an 'unpredictable surface'. FML

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By onedollar - Venezuela

Today, someone gave me 13 dollar bills. I rejected one because I'm very superstitious about the unlucky 13. Later, I waited half an hour in the car for someone to bring me exactly 1 dollar because I did not have enough for the parking fee. FML

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By not a jesse pinkman joke - United States - Princeton

Today, my dad turned up drunk to an intervention for my brother's drug addiction. FML

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By me - United States - Roseau

Today, I came home from work to find my house was flooded from a broken pipe under the sink. My house had just recently had new wood floors, carpet and electrics installed because 6 months earlier my house had been flooded by the same pipe breaking. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket while I was in the car. I didn't even notice it happen. Ninja cops do exist. FML

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By bitch - Australia

Today, I was working behind the bar at a club. After serving drinks to a guy, he asked me if I could carry them outside to the two girls waiting for him. I scowled at him and told him I wasn't a waitress. That's when I realised he had one arm. FML

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By whut - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States

Thanks, I guess

Today, for my Christmas bonus at work, I got a potted plant and some lotion. FML

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By wifelyduties - 17/4/2020 14:00

Do ya think I'm sexy?

Today, my husband called me to our bedroom, saying he needed help with something. I found him sitting on the bed with his pants down, so I smiled and asked if he was angling for sex, which was fine with me. Nope. He needed me to pop a pimple under his ballsack. FML

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By Aintnosunshine - France

Today, I attended a speed dating evening. After 7 minutes, the girl told me she wasn't interested. I asked her at what point of the conversation she had made up her mind, she answered: "When you said 'Hello'. Goodbye". FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2021 05:01

Who's that?

Today, after waking up beside my girlfriend to get ready to go to work, I leaned down to kiss her while she was still asleep, and she said, "Have a good day Jake." My name starts with a J, but it's not Jake. FML

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By TheCerealKiller - United States - Northridge

Today, I had an upset stomach. I decided to quickly take out the trash before heading to the bathroom. As I opened the trash can lid, a raccoon jumped out. I learned the literal meaning of being scared shitless. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Hmmm, twins

Today, I found out my boyfriend only dates me because I look a bit like his favourite porn star. FML

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By TheHezzer - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered the hard way that all the scare stories I'd heard about rats getting into pipes and finding their way into your toilet are, in fact, true. FML

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By sockmonkey - United States - Corona

Today, my parents decided on my punishment for failing an English test. No deodorant for a week. They think they're so hilarious, they told all their friends and now it's all over Facebook. FML

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By Unculturedsimp - 19/5/2020 17:00

Baby daddy

Today, my girlfriend of a year broke up with me because I got her pregnant and didn't own up to it. I wouldn't have blamed her if it didn't actually happen in her dream. FML

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By catlady'sdaughter - 3/7/2020 17:01

Needs more training

Today, my mom read online you could train cats to relieve themselves in the toilet. Without reading any further, she took away the litter tray. My house reeks of cat piss and shit, and she still refuses to give the cat its litter tray back, insisting it'll work eventually. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got into an accident on my motorcycle. When I told my wife that the doctor said I couldn't have sex for two weeks, she couldn't contain her joy. FML

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By SheenaL - United States

Today, my son is going through a rebellious phase. He's taken to wearing leather and chains, listening to death metal music all day in his room alone, and screaming at me in public places. He was fired from his part-time job for swearing at customers. My son is 29 years old. FML

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By fatty magoo - United States - Kirkland

Today, I was pulled over for distracted driving. I'd been eating a donut. Let's just say the officer didn't appreciate being offered one. FML

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By eww. - Australia

Today, I kissed my gorgeous new boyfriend for the first time. I ran my hands through his hair; a multitude of dandruff rained out and five lice crawled onto my hand. FML

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By stupid - Lithuania - Prienai

Today, I was taking a bus ride home, listening to some music. The music stopped and I assumed my iPod's battery had run out. Turns out someone managed to steal it, leaving my earphones in. I didn't feel a thing. FML

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By eejit - Australia

Today, I told my boyfriend that I think teddy bears are THE most pointless and careless gift. He shyly gave me my birthday present afterwards. It was a carebear. FML

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By Heyy - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he started shaking really hard. When I asked him what he was doing, he simply said "I want to be better than your vibrator!" FML

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Top comments

By shehzeenahmed | 0

#63362 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:34

wink back. see what happens.

By yayaOMG | 0

#63358 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:34

LMFAO AT THE WEIRD GUY THING.
Creepy as hell.

COMMENTS

By zoo_fml | 0

#63345 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:32

LMFAO

Reply

UnluckyDom | 0

#1036449 - Sunday 20 June 2010 4:38

 LOL thats good.

Reply

ItsCommonSense | 0

#1341477 - Friday 3 September 2010 4:43

how do they know it was you? I don't get it.

Reply

forgettingsunday | 0

#2482128 - Monday 9 May 2011 13:33

who really gives a shit what your neighbors think, besides the dursleys? I think I would do that to my sister.

Reply

mduffy08 | 8

#2738649 - Wednesday 22 June 2011 23:41

ROFLMAO

By yayaOMG | 0

#63358 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:34

LMFAO AT THE WEIRD GUY THING.
Creepy as hell.

By shehzeenahmed | 0

#63362 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:34

wink back. see what happens.

Reply

Rach_star | 0

#603231 - Sunday 4 October 2009 20:04

LOL

Reply

ZleveL | 0

#1075057 - Friday 9 July 2010 8:09

HOLY JESUS CAKES my name is Ahmed too! but I think it's spelled Ahmad for me... oh hell I don't know =P

Reply

eazyemad | 0

#2366514 - Monday 18 April 2011 7:23

genius

By Safko | 0

#63367 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:35

spawn of satan ..... nice :3

By angelgrl01 | 0

#63395 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:42

spawn of satan...very nice but that sucks that that happened to you

By dnb23 | 0

#63402 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:42

This is why you always lock your computer... YDI for that, but it's still FYL because he did some crazy shit like that.

By Tri_fml | 5

#63405 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:43

Epic! :D

By voulez_vous | 0

#63427 - Friday 27 March 2009 22:51

Hahaha. That's hilarious. I would totally wink back at the guy if I were you. And you should so work the 'spawn of satan' thing. Do BAMF things, and the people will be too scared to yell at you.

By mf_fml | 0

#63463 - Friday 27 March 2009 23:05

"spawn of satan"
YESSSSS.

By Go_for_it | 0

#63467 - Friday 27 March 2009 23:09

#9 hahaha! That's pure genius