Miscellaneous: Today, I was eating cereal while absentmindedly reading the box....

By jerdub93 - United States

Today, I was eating cereal while absentmindedly reading the box. I was amused when I found it expires on my birthday. Then I realized it expired on my birthday two years ago. FML

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Miscellaneous

Understandable

Always ask for documentation

How's your hovel?

By StillHurt - United States

Today, I started my job as a consultant at a shop that sells wedding dresses. My first client? The girl my ex-fiancé cheated on me with and left me for. FML

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By Busted - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend, and things were getting pretty heated. Trying to be sexy, I told him that every time we touched was a guilty pleasure. He rolled off of me, and said "Oh, you're married too?" FML

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By graveyard-sh*t

Oh, hi Sharon!

Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend showed up at my new job to, "Keep an eye on me." The same ex-girlfriend who has been stalking me since we broke up. Two years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my brother, the plumber, was called to unblock a toilet. Whenever this occurs, he takes a photo of it and sends it to me. It always seems to happen around meal time. FML

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By NotBridezilla - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, after waiting 3 months until my friend's wedding was done being celebrated, I announced my engagement. My newlywed friend bitched me out for "stealing" all of the attention and being selfish. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, at work, a table of girls complained to the manager about me. The complaint? "He's not hot enough to work here. We want a sexy server." The manager agreed with them and sent me home. I might lose my job because of a table of shallow women. FML

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By Junior - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of my dad constantly hitting on her. Not because she was disgusted, but because she wants to date him. FML

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By joe - United States - Easton

Today, I was teasing my 6-year-old sister about having a boyfriend. I asked her, "Did he take his shirt off?" She promptly said no. A few minutes later, she said, "But he did take his pants off." I then asked why. She said, "To show me his penis." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kannapolis

Today, I was in a training about the newest changes in CPR. The trainer was discussing chest compression techniques and said she prefers "good, fast, hard pumping." I was the only one who snickered out loud, drawing several annoyed looks from the other trainees. I'm a 45-year-old doctor. FML

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By mal - United Kingdom - Chelmsford

Today, I brought my girlfriend home while my parents were at work, and things got a little heated. We lost track of time, because the next thing we knew, my dad burst into the living room. He doubled over laughing and asked how much I paid her. FML

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By Kristache - Canada

Today, at the restaurant I work at, I gave a man back his change and told him to enjoy the sunny day. He replied by dramatically saying that the sun was his mortal enemy. Thinking he was joking, I asked him if he was a vampire. Turns out he has skin cancer. FML

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By clueless2 - United States

Today, I woke up happy because I'd met the man of my dreams at a bar. We had shared an amazing night together. I walked around my apartment, wondering where he'd went. Turns out, he was gone. So was my car. FML

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By wrongtarget - United States

Today, I got chewed out at work when my supervisor showed up, because my coworkers told my supervisor they couldn't find me for an hour and a half. Why couldn't they find me? Because they'd left to go get coffee. FML

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By Chia - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I cancelled our date tonight. I cancelled because I had a seizure and was taken to the hospital. FML

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By peacexout108 - United States

Today, my ex told me she still misses having sex with me. Her next text was "but it's still over." FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 20:01

Disappointed

Today, my phone received a text which rarely happens. While getting my phone, I stubbed my toe, just to see a message from a telemarketer. Now my toe hurts and I didn’t even want what they were selling. FML

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608

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By Alyssa - United States

Today, my manager mentioned that she'd hired a "cute boy" to help me out at work with paperwork. The "cute boy" was my ex-fiancé and now I have to be with him in an office for 30 some hours a week while his current fiancée brings him lunch everyday. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was having some intense sex with my boyfriend. I was wailing so loud that my neighbors decided to call the police on us. According to them, it sounded like I was "being tortured to death". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I realized I love my boyfriend's cat more than my boyfriend. The only reason we're still together is I don't want to lose custody of the cat. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I found out that my flatmate wears my underwear. FML

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By HT BaaFly - United Kingdom

Today, after months of unemployment, my only social interaction was with my postman. FML

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By Worst Way To Get Promoted

Promoted!

Today, I walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room of our restaurant. I pretended I didn't see him and quickly closed the door. About five minutes later, he came out, cupped my face in his hands and told me I was getting promoted. I'm happy, but scarred for life. FML

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By Elle - United States

Today, my therapist told me to write down my secrets in an envelope and symbolically burn them. My secrets included stories of my rampant sex life, drug use, a suicide attempt, and the overpowering hatred I have for my family. I've managed to misplace the envelope somewhere back home. FML

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By UptoHERE - Canada

Today, I was on a road-trip with some of my buddies, when we stopped at a gas station. When I opened the door to their bathroom, brown water flowed out, soaking my legs up to my knees. I then spent another 2 hours in an enclosed vehicle. FML

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By heartbroken - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, all because whenever I laugh I say "lol." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a headache when I woke up for school. I had final exams that day, so I took what I thought were 2 advils. They were two sleeping pills. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I acted like I always do when I'm alone in my seemingly sound-proof apartment. I sang loudly, talked back to the TV, used my vibrator. Later, in the silence of the night, I heard my neighbor next door YAWNING. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 14:02

Can't see for shit

Today, I was out walking my dog. After he took a dump, I went to pick it up but my glasses fell right in his poop. I didn’t have tissue, just the plastic bag. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2021 19:59 - Germany - Neusalza-spremberg

Renovations

Today, after buying an old house that lacks plumbing a few weeks ago, I’m still crapping in a bucket in the barn. My two favorite Christmas gifts are still 2 pieces of rubber to dampen the noise from my new sewage pump and a used ceramic toilet bowl. FML

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593

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By Stephanie - United States

Today, I bought my wedding dress and sat it on the bed while I went to buy matching shoes. When I came home, I saw my soon to be husband on the bed sitting next to my wedding dress. Turns out he spilt Coca-Cola on the dress and was trying to get it out with carpet cleanser. FML

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By "Boyufd"

Today, I almost got arrested. The cops put me in handcuffs without searching me first and told me that I "matched" the description of a package thief. Turns out, I didn't even closely fit the description of the suspect. FML

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By Paris101 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I emailed 10 parents inviting them to my son's birthday party. All 10 emailed back saying their kids had to get a cavity filled. FML

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By zep - United States

Today, I was hard at work cleaning up from a party I had while my parents were out for the night. Not a bottle of beer or a red cup was left for them to find. However, my parents did find two of my friends in their bedroom, still passed out and naked from beer and sex last night. FML

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By torturedears - United States - Beverly Hills

Today, I went to work at a hotel. One of the guests decided to play the piano in the lobby. He's deaf. Unfortunately, I'm not. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Middletown

Today, my live-in mother-in-law brazenly swiped most of the money from my wallet, then walked out of the room as if nothing had happened. The worst thing is that my wife believes anything she says, so I can't do a damn thing about it. FML

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44519

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By boobs are for baby - United States - Hesperia

Today, I’m still trying desperately to explain to my boyfriend why I’m not interested in any kind of breast or nipple play. I gave birth to our son just 2 months ago and I strictly breastfeed. He insists it’s "not fair" that the baby gets the breasts all the time. Um, what? FML

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4858

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By rackman007 - United States

Today, I was wearing my new sunglasses while watching a basketball game. A pretty hot looking girl was sitting a few spots next to me so I stared at her breasts. A few minutes later, I looked up at her face and she was looking at me in disgust. It turns out that my sunglasses were see through. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had plans for a romantic night with my boyfriend, who is perfect in every way possible. We were going to have sex for the first time as well. Unfortunately, I had a dream last night about him shitting all over me and I can't look at him with a straight face. FML

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By teach - Canada

Today, at the elementary school where I teach, the kids all voted for their favorite teacher. I was the only one to receive zero votes. When I asked a small group of students why no one voted for me, one boy replied "because you're the ugliest". FML

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By queenbitch - United States - Dearborn

Today, I pulled up to a red light. My ex was in the next car, and my car's windows are so tinted that you can't see through them, so I flipped him off. I was driving my mom's car. FML

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Top comments

By every1luvsboners | 11

#3605849 - Saturday 19 November 2011 16:23

Hey, wait, my Rice Krispies are moving.

By sunsetsbetween56 | 3

#3605813 - Saturday 19 November 2011 16:19

Must have been good for you to keep eating it..

COMMENTS

By pinecone1414 | 6

#3605811 - Saturday 19 November 2011 16:18

Wow... Bad store managemant

Xr70r7 | 4

#3605861 - Saturday 19 November 2011 16:24

Ahhh two year old cereal! That's the best stuff:)

kevsnev | 7

#3605885 - Saturday 19 November 2011 16:25

FYL, but happy birthday :D

PopsicleLicker | 0

#3605897 - Saturday 19 November 2011 16:27

vintage cereal. Yum!

FYLDeep | 25

#3605989 - Saturday 19 November 2011 16:38

Unless they went to an antique shop, I'm pretty sure the cereal didn't spend it's time aging at a store. It's more likely that it sat around in the OP's house for 3 years.

MyPetNinja | 14

#3606029 - Saturday 19 November 2011 16:43

Sometimes it can. Me and my mom got three year old sour cream from coborns, and we actually ate some before realizing it.

raphanne_fml | 33

#3606077 - Saturday 19 November 2011 16:50

#31 Could you tell us where exactly do you grocery shop, so that we can avoid this place?

ohsheet | 8

#3606111 - Saturday 19 November 2011 16:56

Well it obvisously didn't taste expired if you didn't realize that when you took the first bite...

Damn_Hippster | 11

#3606319 - Saturday 19 November 2011 17:38

As long as it was lucky charms then it's still ok to eat.

MyPetNinja | 14

#3606661 - Saturday 19 November 2011 19:37

35- Coborns... They're retarded, they even put there Monster in the dog food section.

murdersquirrel | 15

#3607124 - Saturday 19 November 2011 23:16

OP didn't say it's his birthday, at all...just that the cereal expired on his birthday two years ago.

icanhazblivions | 1

#3607969 - Sunday 20 November 2011 3:02

exactly.

goaliemkl123 | 8

#3608588 - Sunday 20 November 2011 6:14

Doesn't it taste....a little off??

dirtbiker267 | 0

#3612366 - Monday 21 November 2011 1:30

Actually I don't think it would taste that bad probaly just stale and the milk would help that

That0therguy | 4

#3613715 - Monday 21 November 2011 7:36

Or bad house management.

By sunsetsbetween56 | 3

#3605813 - Saturday 19 November 2011 16:19

Must have been good for you to keep eating it..

hemz_fml | 13

#3606096 - Saturday 19 November 2011 16:54

Lmao I hope you feel better but once you said it expired two years ago I bursted put laughing...memories...not very pleasant with expired food :(

raphanne_fml | 33

#3606129 - Saturday 19 November 2011 17:00

Oh! A thread jacker going number 2!

kirsty1551 | 3

#3606201 - Saturday 19 November 2011 17:17

who says she kept eating it?

medotcom | 0

#3606526 - Saturday 19 November 2011 18:56

So is this person 2 years old?

SillyFart | 7

#3608505 - Sunday 20 November 2011 5:48

That's what she said

bitchslapped22 | 14

#3615063 - Monday 21 November 2011 15:50

He never mentioned that he kept eating it

By yeezheng | 6

#3605814 - Saturday 19 November 2011 16:19

Hey time to take some laxatives! U don't want those things in your stomach for long . For all u know there maybe maggots. Better play safe than sorry.

IndiRae | 9

#3605858 - Saturday 19 November 2011 16:24

Yes. You ate some chewy Fruitloops, now go puke/shit your guts out for a few hours.

murdersquirrel | 15

#3605905 - Saturday 19 November 2011 16:28

I would hope OP would've noticed maggots.

Jaxx66 | 21

#3605965 - Saturday 19 November 2011 16:35

I think OP would see maggots. They are hard to miss.

toelie | 25

#3606396 - Saturday 19 November 2011 18:08

Some extra protein never hurt anyone.

fadingfaith | 4

#3606442 - Saturday 19 November 2011 18:22

That happened to me once, but the cereal wasn't expired. I was eating some Cheerios and I didn't notice the maggots until I ate two spoonfuls. It was gross.