Work: Today, a new session started for my swimming squad. I walked...

By Anonymous - 31/07/2014 05:00 - Australia - Darlinghurst

Today, a new session started for my swimming squad. I walked down to the pool, tripped over a stray equipment bag, and belly-flopped into the pool in front of everyone, fully clothed. I'm the coach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 014

You deserved it 5 091

Work

Broken heart

Anxiety

Judge not lest ye be judged

By nofatchicks - 12/05/2014 23:49 - United States - Tampa

Today, I nervously flirted with a very cute guy. Being a little overweight, I rarely think cute guys will go for me. This line of thinking was yet again correct when he casually pulled his sleeve up revealing a tattoo of a pinup girl with a "NO FAT CHICKS" sign below it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 697

You deserved it 7 816

Hey, it's the Christmas card dude!

By doglove - 23/03/2020 04:43

Today, I was looking through old childhood pictures for my father's funeral and I found one of our old Christmas cards. I looked at it and noticed in the background our two dogs enjoying very spirited sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 263

You deserved it 180

Our house, in the middle of our lockdown!

By cfails - 02/04/2020 14:00

Today, I found out the house I want to buy is being re-listed, because I can't have an open house to get people to see and buy my current house, because no one can go out in the this fucking quarantine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 631

You deserved it 175

By Nonbikerbiker - 08/12/2018 22:00

Today, while enjoying a nice drive on my motorcycle, I got into an accident. I was lucky to have minor injuries, but my bike was totaled. When I got home, I found the driver of the car that hit me sitting in my living room. My partner introduced us by saying, “and this is my gay lover, grandpa.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 113

You deserved it 310

By Anonymous - 31/08/2009 20:38 - United States

Today, while emailing my very young, attractive teacher to ask a question, my hand slipped. Too bad you can't unsend emails that say "Can we meet after school some time? I have some thongs I'd like to discuss with you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 267

You deserved it 11 470

By civic4life - 17/09/2009 03:16 - United States

Today, it's my 17th birthday. I asked for a newer car because my car right now sucks. I got a book on photography. I don't own a camera. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 604

You deserved it 55 501

By Mary - 16/12/2013 05:14 - United States

Today, I called a pest control company to ask them to come over to my place to help get rid of rats. The person on the phone told me to "be a man and stop acting like a girl". I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 299

You deserved it 3 427

By gottacatchemall - 08/01/2014 05:43 - United States

Today, I tried to lose my virginity to my boyfriend of a year. We're almost twenty. In the end, we both chickened out and played Pokémon instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 709

You deserved it 28 925

By myheadhurts - 21/06/2009 07:09 - United States

Today, I came home from an amazing cruise to find that my house broken into. My best friend apparently decided to invite her drug addicted friends into my home while I was away where they stole 172$ and my migraine pills, which are non-refillable. I now have a migraine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 141

You deserved it 5 402

By greg - 14/02/2018 01:30

Today, my mother sued me for whiplash in a car accident that was her fault. She screamed to stop so I slammed on the brakes and the car behind ran into us. It wasn't an emergency; she just thought she saw her friend at the bus stop. It wasn't even her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 426

You deserved it 375

By Anonymous - 19/10/2012 20:54 - Czech Republic - Ceska

Today, while making love to my wife, I felt adventurous and told her to hit me. She didn't so much as hesitate before savagely slapping me with her ring hand. Now I'm back home from the hospital, with stitches closing up a huge gash on my cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 495

You deserved it 31 667

By drugbaby - 18/12/2009 19:23 - United States

Today, I was talking to my aunt about my brother's recent arrest for drug possession. I proudly told her that I have never done drugs of any kind. Her response: "Well, actually you were born addicted to heroin, so you had a drug problem long before your brother." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 015

You deserved it 3 714

By karmaaa - 16/10/2014 20:56 - United States - Huxley

Today, I was driving with my grandma and she was going 30 over the speed limit. To slow her down, I said, "Hey look, the police". She slammed on the brakes so hard I hit my head on the dashboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 781

You deserved it 17 697

By Poor Student - 05/12/2011 22:30 - Canada

Today, my mother "borrowed" money from my stash to help pay for her vacation to the Dominican Republic. The same trip I'm not allowed to go on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 369

You deserved it 2 562

By Hurrikhan - 23/03/2013 11:43 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, I lost my dog and so I put up 'lost' signs. As I was coming back home I noticed one had been written on. It said: "Found your dog. Keeping it". FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 180

You deserved it 3 473

By SpaceAstronaut - 28/12/2009 21:42 - United States

Today, I decided to take a nap while listening to my iPod, on the lowest volume possible. My girlfriend woke me up by turning the volume all the way up. I still can't hear out of both ears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 724

You deserved it 5 206

By Anonymous - 21/02/2014 17:37 - Germany - Naurath

Today, I found out what a lightweight my girlfriend is. After having a couple of drinks, she began flirting, then grabbed my ass. She felt around a bit before freaking out and asking where my penis was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 544

You deserved it 6 119

By ilik3catz - 01/01/2011 00:05 - United States

Today, while at a family gathering for New Years, my aunt said she needed a flat surface to write on. My dad immediately piped up, "Why don't you use Samantha's chest?" I'm Samantha. I'm also 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 968

You deserved it 3 621

By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 17:54 - United States

Today, I woke up with a hangover, a shaved head, and my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 096

You deserved it 24 302

By goodmorning - 07/09/2014 13:45 - United States - Nashville

Today, I was eating a bowl of cereal and noticed something float to the top. On closer inspection, it turned out to be a mouse turd. I had already eaten half the bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 636

You deserved it 4 436

By gonnabeunemployed - 08/12/2016 21:33

Today, I got a call from the only company that asked me to come in for an interview of the many applications I submitted. I answered it even though I was at my current job. My boss heard and chewed me out. The call was to cancel the interview since the position was filled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 005

You deserved it 1 697

By Unlucky - 24/05/2010 00:22 - Australia

Today, I have both a cold and a period. Tomorrow, I will have a cold, my period and my wisdom teeth taken out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 394

You deserved it 3 785

Potholes

By Yudith - 16/10/2019 00:01

Today, I ran to catch the night bus which passes every hour, when it unexpectedly passed its stop and turned right. I ran faster, only to trip on a roadwork sign and scrape both knees on the half-rebuilt road, ruining my new yoga pants in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 334

You deserved it 281

By Anonymous - 12/08/2012 11:03 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was at a concert. It was dark and everyone was singing and waving their lit-up phones in the air. I was having a great time, until someone snatched my £200 phone out of my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 373

You deserved it 12 009

By riptoofie - 16/01/2010 21:36 - United States

Today, I found my beloved hamster, Toofie. Toofie escaped from his cage. 4 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 922

You deserved it 4 961

By story of my life. - 21/02/2009 14:33 - Switzerland

Today, at a party I told this guy that I really liked his pirate costume. Turns out he wasn't wearing a costume, his eye was shot out with a BB gun. This explains the eye patch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 142

You deserved it 34 337

By silvercity09 - 26/05/2009 03:04 - Canada

Today, was my sister's and dad's birthday. I accidentally mixed up the gifts I got for them and my dad ended up with a vibrator. He wasn't very happy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 970

You deserved it 63 875

By themcdave - 19/05/2012 08:03 - United Kingdom - Cranfield

Today, I woke up early for an important team meeting I needed to attend. I washed, got changed, and sat down to eat breakfast... I then woke up again, an hour late and covered in cereal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 525

You deserved it 4 528

By Zkroger - 23/10/2013 15:42 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a year denied in front of everyone that we ever dated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 879

You deserved it 5 010

By Anonymous - 22/03/2014 04:49 - United States - Houston

Today, I met my future mother-in-law. All went well; she complimented my dress, and I complimented her haircut. Then she and her son had a screaming match over how our children will be fat because of their mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 771

You deserved it 3 936

By Anonymous - 25/06/2015 18:29 - United States - Newark

Today, I was notified I'm being discharged after 2 weeks because my employers don't have the time to train me at my first real job in 6 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 025

You deserved it 1 944

By anonymous - 05/03/2011 05:34 - France

Today, I found out the hard way that if you think a waiter is hot, you probably shouldn't tell your parents. They could react by screaming at him across the room to tell him you think he's a hottie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 827

You deserved it 16 304

Communication Breakdown

By Anonymous - 18/04/2021 17:00

Today, I just called my now ex-girlfriend to break up with her, due to our insurmountable lack of communication, even though I was in therapy for four months to try and keep the relationship afloat. Before breaking up, she'd blocked me on Facebook, Whatsapp, Twitter and Instagram for no reason. FML

I agree, your life sucks 814

You deserved it 137

By fml - 02/11/2016 08:45 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, the mall I work at started playing Christmas songs on repeat. It's the beginning of November. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 100

You deserved it 1 241

By izzy - 15/05/2017 04:00

Today, my sister told me she is getting married and asked me to be the Co-Maid of Honor. Who is the first maid of honor? Her cat. She is serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 220

You deserved it 436

Gentle prank

By Anonymous - 17/02/2021 22:58 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my little sister swapped out the hard white cheese on the meat-cheese platter with slices of white chocolate and put some Skittles into the bowl of M&M's. My limited circle of friends and family in our safe social pandemic bubble think it was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 554

You deserved it 81

By --- - 06/07/2015 20:52 - Canada - Toronto

Today, during family therapy the therapist asked if I believe I'm a good parent/husband. When I said yes my two sons, my daughter and even my wife very passionately disagreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 528

You deserved it 12 846

Ouch

By Anonymous - 03/01/2012 23:07 - United States

Today, I was diagnosed with a clogged milk gland. I am not, nor have ever been, pregnant and therefore have also never breastfed. This condition is caused by my boyfriend's over-active urge to suck on my nipples. I'm in horrible pain, and he won't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 767

You deserved it 6 253

By Anonymous - 06/06/2011 13:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered my mother went into the local pub where I work part time, got very drunk, and flashed her boobs at everyone. I found out when a picture was posted on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 911

You deserved it 3 238

Nice try, fed

By Anonymous - 21/09/2021 13:00 - Australia - Bankstown

Today, I was selling weed to a guy by text. He was using our code, saying, "Can I book a tutoring session at 6 o'clock?" I asked, "How many hours do you need?" He replied, "Three please." I said, "Sure." Then he said, "Just leave it in the blue Adidas again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 235

You deserved it 974

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Top comments

MissSatan 16

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Thursday 31 July 2014 11:38

Casually get up and say "and that, my friends, is a perfect example of what not to do"

CrikOgresmasher 19

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Thursday 31 July 2014 11:37

Should've pulled a Willy Wonks and pretended it was on purpose

CrikOgresmasher 19

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Thursday 31 July 2014 11:37

Should've pulled a Willy Wonks and pretended it was on purpose

rbubbles 20

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Thursday 31 July 2014 15:26

Well you didn't drown, use your situation as a prime example on how to keep yourself afloat if you fall into water

BSnapZ 21

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Thursday 31 July 2014 15:42

I really hate it when people post a completely unrelated comment as a reply to the first comment, just so that it appears at the top.

baseballbv 17

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Thursday 31 July 2014 16:53

He needed to follow up with, "If you practice hard enough, you'll be able to do that".

elibel 16

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Thursday 31 July 2014 19:29

Hopefully you didn't have your phone in you!

blueiceninja 13

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Thursday 31 July 2014 19:34

I would hope he didn't have his phone IN him.

jake_braves 25

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Friday 1 August 2014 16:59

Ohh the humiliation, brutal! Lol sorry OP but this is funny. I feel bad for you though.

Aquila_Umbrae 26

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Thursday 31 July 2014 11:37

Ouch. Did you have a nice trip?

coklara 15

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Thursday 31 July 2014 20:06

I hope he has a nice fall

Aquila_Umbrae 26

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Thursday 31 July 2014 22:37

I forgot FML hates jokes.

jake_braves 25

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Friday 1 August 2014 17:01

I liked your joke 49/2 it was a good one.

Aquila_Umbrae 26

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Friday 1 August 2014 17:50

Yay, someone with a sense of humor!

markcallanan_ 20

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Thursday 31 July 2014 11:37

And tat

MissSatan 16

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Thursday 31 July 2014 11:38

Casually get up and say "and that, my friends, is a perfect example of what not to do"

Monkey_language 15

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Thursday 31 July 2014 13:59

"And that, my friends, is why you always check your surroundings when approaching a swimming pool!"

mister_icicle 17

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Thursday 31 July 2014 11:38

First lesson - watch your step. ;-)

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Thursday 31 July 2014 19:53

Is he gonna drown himself and then say "lesson number 2, try not to drown"

BlueConverse 7

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Saturday 2 August 2014 20:34

that's not funny.

markcallanan_ 20

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Thursday 31 July 2014 11:39

And that my friends, is how to do a belly flop

foxwasalamb 24

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Thursday 31 July 2014 11:42

well to be fair, you're not teaching them how to walk. your swimming abilities as a coach have not yet been compromised

MrConcise 34

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Thursday 31 July 2014 12:09

But his drowning abilities have. He got out of such a perilous situation and lived to tell about it!

demonhunter3220 14

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Thursday 31 July 2014 11:42

"And that, everybody, is what not to do. Hope it's helpful to someone."

Corvo_Attano_4 12

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Thursday 31 July 2014 11:46

Act like you did it on purpose and then make them practice their belly flops

xoteeshaox 22

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Thursday 31 July 2014 23:19

I think whoever's equipment bag who was out in the open should be forced to do the belly flop.

ethan_unoxx 29

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Thursday 31 July 2014 11:50

Ouch. That hurt.

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11

You deserved it 5

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Today, my daughter finally learned that you can’t sleep your way to success, after she tried and failed to seduce her married boss, was sacked, and blacklisted as a potential lawsuit throughout every company specialising in her chosen career field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 290

You deserved it 80

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 735

You deserved it 104

Hey, it's the Christmas card dude!

Our house, in the middle of our lockdown!

Potholes

Communication Breakdown

Gentle prank

Ouch

Nice try, fed

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