Work: Today, a new session started for my swimming squad. I walked...

By Anonymous - Australia - Darlinghurst

Today, a new session started for my swimming squad. I walked down to the pool, tripped over a stray equipment bag, and belly-flopped into the pool in front of everyone, fully clothed. I'm the coach. FML

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43986

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Work

Toxic parents

Family matters

Bigmouth Strikes Again

By militarywife2b - France

Today, at work, I watched a man throw up in his hands, dump the contents on his plate, then eat the things it "didn't touch". I had to wash his plate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34621

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By skipperpop - United States - Ames

Today, after work, I was saying goodbye to my last remaining friend I worked with because she was going to be leaving for college. My manager saw me talking and made me clock back in and work because "If you have time to talk, you have time to work." FML.

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14524

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By Notakidpusher - United States - San Francisco

Today, my coworker brought her 3-year-old son to work with her. When introducing him to me, she dropped her bag and bent over to pick it up, knocking him over with her butt in the process. When she stood up, she noticed he was sitting on the ground crying. She then accused me of pushing him over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25014

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while talking on the phone with my long distance boyfriend, he let me know that he was getting married in August to "some girl" for his papers. After I objected he told me, "well you can marry me if you want." I'm not sure if I just got dumped or proposed to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51241

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5852

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, I had a job interview. I got there as quick as I could, having to travel 2 hours into a city I'd never been to. When I arrived, they told me I was turned down for being too late. They'd rescheduled the interview an hour earlier and I wasn't notified of the change. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3556

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182

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By Anonymous

Today, it's only been a week since I've been in my new apartment with my boyfriend, and I already caught him cheating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2112

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184

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By SadBride - United States

Today, my in-laws decided they were going to stay an extra week during our vacation to Dominican Republic next year. This would be fine, if we weren't travelling for our destination wedding, and the extra week wasn't our honeymoon. They are literally joining us on our honeymoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29228

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By NotYourToy - United States - Binghamton

Today, a customer scared me for the sole purpose of watching my breasts jiggle when I jumped in surprise. I know because his head moved as they did, and he said, "Nice." before walking away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22626

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2120

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By thenotsomanlyman - United States

Today, I flipped out when I saw a centipede. I screamed, very loudly and in a very high voice. My girlfriend came into the room, stomped on it, picked it up and threw it in the trashcan. I apologized to her for the scene and all she said was, "I'm used to it." FML

I agree, your life sucks

13655

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By oh hey there

Today, I went shopping for a nice outfit to wear for a job interview. A fake job interview. One that I just made up so my mother would get off my case about finding a job. I don't know which is sadder, the fact that I can't get a job, or that my mother actually believed me about the interview. FML

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11173

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By BowlofCherries - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was in a café when a construction worker asked to borrow a pen. The only pen I had on me was my brand new Parker, which I reluctantly loaned him. As he was writing, he stopped to think, and happily chewed on the end of the pen, which he later returned to me, glistening in saliva. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25371

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5249

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I came across some bubble wrap. Turned out it was a special type of bubble wrap that cannot be popped. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53679

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4896

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By hospital - United States

Today, I started my first day at a new hospital. My first assignment? Shave an elderly man's testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40964

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5635

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By boo - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I had to drop my daughter off with my babysitter first. When I got to the interview I got a weird look from the vice president of the company. I had lime green poop running down the side of my white blouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53657

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7387

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By snownerd - United States

Today, while I was shopping, I saw my old friend from high school. After a bit of talking, I ended up giving her my phone number. I wrote it on an old receipt. Little did I remember, the receipt was from when I bought lube and condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17714

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By marriagesux - United States

Today, marks the second week straight without sex. Being a newlywed isn't as great as I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25620

You deserved it

4634

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By Jake - Australia

Today, I logged on to MSN for the first time in a month. In under 10 minutes, I found out that my little sister had changed my screen name to Jake the Weiner, told my friend that he should "suck my d***" and sent an email to all my contacts declaring my love for my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50852

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6481

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By jack1057 - 14/7/2020 05:01

Black Lives Matter

Today, I was on my way home and there were BLM protestors, who I have no problem with, but my car was parked where they were and I had to sit there for three hours until they left so I could drive off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1466

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264

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By TukTuk - Germany - Weinb?hla

Today, I spent an hour painstakingly disassembling my antique mirror after discovering a stack of papers behind the back board. I finally got hold of one corner, and pulled out - a newspaper from 2007 and instructions for an IKEA bed. FML

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30101

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to a guy's dorm for the first time. He told me to wait outside for a minute because he had to "clean something up" first. When I told him I'm 420 friendly, he said, "Nah I just came on my desk earlier and didn't feel like wiping it up." FML

I agree, your life sucks

4701

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671

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Worth

Threat Neutralized

Today, I farted so loudly in my sleep that it woke myself, my husband, and our cat. The cat let me know he was startled by clawing and biting the perceived threat, my bum. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3219

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. Everything was going great until I noticed a small blinking light on my shelf. It turns out that it was a camera. My mom put it there to make sure I cleaned my room. She saw the whole thing. FML

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68497

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By Anonymous - United States - Hobart

Today, while mowing the lawn, I was attacked by an underground hornet nest. I now have many stings, two scared dogs, and a mower still running outside. The hornets are swarming it and some are sitting on the lever, as if to turn it off. It's like they know. FML

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27978

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By Anonymous

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my phone rang. We continued to have sex while I took the call. It was my gyno calling to tell me that I tested positive for chlamydia and that I needed to tell my partner. Yeah, sex ended real quick. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3865

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By wtf_fml_0609 - United States

Today, I have a huge meeting with the big executives of the company I work at. I have to be there in 10 minutes. I'm stuck on the toilet with the runs because I thought it would be a good idea to eat hot chicken wings last night. FML

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12514

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By broken - United States

Today, I was fooling around with my boyfriend in his room. He grabbed me behind the head to pull me in for a hard, romantic kiss. He accidentally smashed my nose into his cheekbone, and my nose started gushing blood and continued to bleed for over 2 hours. It's broken, and he just laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43861

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By Brookie Bear

Today, I received a Saturday detention because the assignment I'd handed in had different handwriting. I've been practicing my handwriting skills for the past month. FML

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4995

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By Alyce - 6/11/2020 02:08 - United States - Lewistown

Bunch of bankers, the lot of them

Today, I went to deposit a check, only for them to accidentally deduct the whole thing from my account. I didn't notice this until I went to buy groceries, after the bank had closed. I'm in negative numbers and will get an overdraft charge by the time I can get it fixed. FML

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910

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By older - United States

Today, I was walking downtown. I'm 57 years old, and I'm pretty well along in terms of hair loss. On top of that, I recently hurt my left leg and am walking with a crutch. I passed two teenagers, who were looking at me, and I overheard "Yeah, I agree. I'm much more scared of aging than death." FML

I agree, your life sucks

50799

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By joe rogan fucking sucks, dude - Australia - Warwick

Today, my girlfriend informed me that during the night, I shot up in bed and whimpered tearfully, "I don't have anything for the fancy-dress!" She also decided to share this with all our friends. I'm never going to live this down. FML

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41052

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By Noname - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend had some crazy rough sex. In the process I ended up with huge bruises and bite marks all over my neck and chest. I'm giving a speech on domestic violence today. FML

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32332

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92014

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By Mustache - 3/11/2020 14:02 - Austria

Bushy

Today, I was on my way to meet my partner's parents for the first time. Although I was in a rush, I managed to hop into the shower and shave. I now have a cut on my upper lip. I'm a woman. FML

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829

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213

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By Behemoth2 - France

Today, at the Eurostar customs, an officer asked me if I had packed my luggage myself. I teasingly answered "No, I was helped by a member of Al Qaeda." which earned me a body and luggage search and a missed train. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8362

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68121

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By Wolfrunner87 - Australia - Broadmeadows

Today, my bosses were boasting about their work-funded retreat, including the $1,800 bottle of wine the company paid for. This would be fine if they hadn't just told me there are no funds to pay me for the work they've got me doing. We are also the biggest company in our industry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28268

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I put on a lacy dress with nothing underneath and walked nonchalantly into the living room. My husband took one look at me, let out a heavy sigh and said "right now?" FML

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40591

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5023

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By HamHanded

Ham-fisted attempt

Today, my loving but absent-minded father gave me a packet of ham for my birthday, which would be pretty shit even if I hadn't been a strict vegetarian for the last 27 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4544

You deserved it

654

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By mokki - Canada - Toronto

Today, I am seven months pregnant with my third child. I woke up to my two-and-a-half year old trying to "pop the balloon" in my tummy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30175

You deserved it

3497

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By possiblyoverweight - United Kingdom

Today, my baby son latched onto my nipple for a feed, after a month of having to be bottle fed because he wouldn't latch. This would be fantastic, if it weren't for the fact that I'm his father, not his mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44795

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4357

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By msj137 - United States

Today, I had a softball tournament which also landed on my birthday. My dad had to leave town for work, so he left me a card on my night stand. Instead of a happy birthday, all it said was 'Don't mess up the game for everyone'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46065

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2829

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By EpicBunBun

Today, while getting intimate with my boyfriend, I thought he went to change the music on his phone. He had stopped mid-action just to check sports scores. FML

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5126

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684

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Top comments

By MissSatan | 16

#6024053 - Thursday 31 July 2014 11:38

Casually get up and say "and that, my friends, is a perfect example of what not to do"

By CrikOgresmasher | 19

#6024050 - Thursday 31 July 2014 11:37

Should've pulled a Willy Wonks and pretended it was on purpose

COMMENTS

By CrikOgresmasher | 19

#6024050 - Thursday 31 July 2014 11:37

Should've pulled a Willy Wonks and pretended it was on purpose

rbubbles | 20

#6024154 - Thursday 31 July 2014 15:26

Well you didn't drown, use your situation as a prime example on how to keep yourself afloat if you fall into water

BSnapZ | 21

#6024160 - Thursday 31 July 2014 15:42

I really hate it when people post a completely unrelated comment as a reply to the first comment, just so that it appears at the top.

baseballbv | 17

#6024199 - Thursday 31 July 2014 16:53

He needed to follow up with, "If you practice hard enough, you'll be able to do that".

elibel | 16

#6024340 - Thursday 31 July 2014 19:29

Hopefully you didn't have your phone in you!

blueiceninja | 13

#6024346 - Thursday 31 July 2014 19:34

I would hope he didn't have his phone IN him.

jake_braves | 25

#6024996 - Friday 1 August 2014 16:59

Ohh the humiliation, brutal! Lol sorry OP but this is funny. I feel bad for you though.

By Aquila_Umbrae | 26

#6024051 - Thursday 31 July 2014 11:37

Ouch. Did you have a nice trip?

coklara | 15

#6024382 - Thursday 31 July 2014 20:06

I hope he has a nice fall

Aquila_Umbrae | 26

#6024467 - Thursday 31 July 2014 22:37

I forgot FML hates jokes.

jake_braves | 25

#6024999 - Friday 1 August 2014 17:01

I liked your joke 49/2 it was a good one.

Aquila_Umbrae | 26

#6025033 - Friday 1 August 2014 17:50

Yay, someone with a sense of humor!

By markcallanan_ | 20

#6024052 - Thursday 31 July 2014 11:37

And tat

By MissSatan | 16

#6024053 - Thursday 31 July 2014 11:38

Casually get up and say "and that, my friends, is a perfect example of what not to do"

Monkey_language | 15

#6024111 - Thursday 31 July 2014 13:59

"And that, my friends, is why you always check your surroundings when approaching a swimming pool!"

By mister_icicle | 17

#6024054 - Thursday 31 July 2014 11:38

First lesson - watch your step. ;-)

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#6024371 - Thursday 31 July 2014 19:53

Is he gonna drown himself and then say "lesson number 2, try not to drown"

BlueConverse | 7

#6026167 - Saturday 2 August 2014 20:34

that's not funny.

By markcallanan_ | 20

#6024055 - Thursday 31 July 2014 11:39

And that my friends, is how to do a belly flop

By foxwasalamb | 24

#6024056 - Thursday 31 July 2014 11:42

well to be fair, you're not teaching them how to walk. your swimming abilities as a coach have not yet been compromised

MrConcise | 34

#6024069 - Thursday 31 July 2014 12:09

But his drowning abilities have. He got out of such a perilous situation and lived to tell about it!

By demonhunter3220 | 14

#6024057 - Thursday 31 July 2014 11:42

"And that, everybody, is what not to do. Hope it's helpful to someone."

By Corvo_Attano_4 | 12

#6024059 - Thursday 31 July 2014 11:46

Act like you did it on purpose and then make them practice their belly flops

xoteeshaox | 22

#6024496 - Thursday 31 July 2014 23:19

I think whoever's equipment bag who was out in the open should be forced to do the belly flop.

By ethan_unoxx | 29

#6024060 - Thursday 31 July 2014 11:50

Ouch. That hurt.