Today, I was celebrating my birthday when my friend gave me a... - FML

By Anonymous - 25/11/2018 12:00

Today, I was celebrating my birthday when my friend gave me a chocolate as a gift. I wasn't suspecting anything and ate about half of it before I noticed something strange. It turned out there were some kind of worms living in it and the chocolate was about a year after the expiration date. I got sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2910

You deserved it

239

Tweet

Share

Business savvy

Time for the ER

Property law

By Sawarski - 7/1/2013 20:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I took a nap on my couch. She used my arm as a pillow, and everything was pretty peaceful, until she moved over and practically dislocated my shoulder. My screams of pain woke her, which was apparently an "asshole move" on my part. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32545

You deserved it

3274

Tweet

Share

By ChocolateEverywhere - 23/3/2017 00:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, while I was at work, my kids had the great idea to make chocolate milk. My husband had the great idea not to clean up the chocolate mix the kids spilled, so the floor got covered in chocolate footprints. The cat then had the great idea to step in the mix, and cover everything else in chocolate paw prints. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4671

You deserved it

445

Tweet

Share

By SOMAgirl - 6/7/2010 09:16 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to put some streamers on my bike handles, even though I knew they would probably be stolen fairly quickly. I went into a restaurant to eat, and when I came out both my wheels were gone, but at least the streamers were still there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32162

You deserved it

9065

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/1/2012 05:40 - United States

Today, I was pushed over and robbed in a parking lot by a man in an ugly Christmas sweater. When I looked up, I was too distracted by the sweater to even look at his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31500

You deserved it

8649

Tweet

Share

By InAnAwkwardSituation - 25/8/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, I walked in on my new college roommate holding his cock. He said "Hi I'm Jeffrey, and this is Jeffrey junior" while directing attention towards his penis. It's going to be a long semester. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40176

You deserved it

2985

Tweet

Share

By SFra - 24/10/2012 01:19 - United States

Today, I went to the Natural History Museum with my boyfriend. While we were standing in front of real dinosaur bones, he told me he didn't believe in dinosaurs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28714

You deserved it

3060

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 8/11/2012 06:13 - United States - Houston

Today, I was told I will be having twins; this came as a shock since there are no twins in my family. When I asked my mom about it, she said that she wasn't surprised and not to worry about it because she had "absorbed her twin" and that the problem would "take care of itself." FML

I agree, your life sucks

25777

You deserved it

2003

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/5/2011 02:48 - United States

Today, it was my first day as an animal control officer. My first dispatch was to collect a dog that had been hit by a car. I had to clean up my dead dog on my first day of a job that barely pays rent. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59328

You deserved it

4203

Tweet

Share

By whattheheck - 4/6/2012 04:34 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I found out that my new girlfriend breastfeeds her dolls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36013

You deserved it

3459

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 16/9/2013 20:30

Today, I waited in the pouring rain for my wife to come pick me up from work. It was only after I was thoroughly drenched that I remembered it was my wife's day off, and that I drove myself to work earlier in her car, which was parked fifty feet from where I was waiting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40426

You deserved it

44740

Tweet

Share

By cancerfreak - 21/3/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, my town had a carnival to raise money for cancer. I ran a kissing booth, when a really cute guy came up paid his $20, looked at me, and said "not even for cancer." He took his money and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

89417

You deserved it

8335

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - 14/5/2012 10:31 - United States - Havelock

Today, my boyfriend started laughing during sex because my boobs are slightly different. He then broke up with me after I pointed out that his nuts aren't exactly even either. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40422

You deserved it

6391

Tweet

Share

By GeeThanks - 25/7/2013 02:33 - Canada - Toronto

Today, a drunk dude walked up to me and said, "You're ugly as fuck." His sober friend quickly apologized and explained that he was wasted, before looking me up and down and adding "Well, not completely, I guess." FML

I agree, your life sucks

51394

You deserved it

3962

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 29/4/2012 09:45 - Canada - Thompson

Today, at a concert, I got into a fight with a man in a banana suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12274

You deserved it

22173

Tweet

Share

By Leslie - 30/12/2010 07:03 - United States

Today, my husband left me for one of the college students I was tutoring in Spanish. We have two kids and are expecting a third. He left a note that said he would "stay in touch." FML

I agree, your life sucks

47009

You deserved it

2809

Tweet

Share

By oshitdonotwant - 8/8/2009 13:42 - United States

Today, I was having breakfast when my mom's boyfriend came and sat right across from me. He didn't try and hide the fact that he was staring at my chest and told me, "Wow, you're getting bigger." I glared at him. He winked at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68345

You deserved it

4050

Tweet

Share

By - 8/3/2019 12:00

Today, my teacher told me that unless I went into medicine, math, or engineering, I would never amount to anything in life. This wasn't even two minutes after I told him I want to be an author. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1941

You deserved it

290

Tweet

Share

By really?! - 22/3/2020 06:30

Troll level 3000

Today, I found my car with its front end smashed in. The offender was nowhere to be seen, but had left a helpful note that stated, "Sorry about your car but you can go fuck yourself because you will never find me. Muwahahaha!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1803

You deserved it

118

Tweet

Share

By Lauren - 12/10/2011 17:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my family. It was going well until my 23 year old sister started telling him in detail about her constipation and that if she doesn't take a shit in a few days, it's going to come out of her mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32295

You deserved it

2830

Tweet

Share

By LadyJane - 4/1/2009 10:15 - France

Today, at a rehearsal, a friend poked me: "My mother is in the orchestra, guess who she is!" I jokingly answer: "Erm…The fat singer?". It was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10153

You deserved it

27078

Tweet

Share

By (-,..,-) - 24/7/2015 17:24 - France

Today, I lost out on a job opportunity because the interviewer said my "fake fangs are unprofessional and frankly disturbing". The "fangs" are my real canines, and they have always looked this way. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26933

You deserved it

1703

Tweet

Share

By tuck87 - 18/7/2014 15:49 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had a customer write "fuck you" in the tip option area on his credit card slip, I have no idea why. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40737

You deserved it

5373

Tweet

Share

By Brianna Weltmire - 8/4/2012 05:13 - United States - Denver

Today, my mom tagged me in a picture on Facebook. It's a very zoomed in picture of a zit that had just recently erupted on my face. The caption is "My baby's biggest zit yet!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

34744

You deserved it

2721

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 21/7/2013 04:51 - United States - Aurora

Today, I went to see one of my favorite bands. They were having signings, but only the first one hundred could get one. When I finally got to the desk, they said I was number hundred and one, and to get lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57902

You deserved it

4551

Tweet

Share

By PoopTart - 29/4/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, I gave my sister a stun gun for her birthday since she recently had a couple "close calls" walking home from work late at night. She was so excited and thankful that she wanted to express her gratitude by shocking me to see if it really worked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59053

You deserved it

14766

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/12/2010 05:16 - Canada

Today, I went to check if my neighbours were home to return their dog, having looked after her for a few days. I looked in the window and the place was empty. They'd moved house and stuck us with their dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33413

You deserved it

3553

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 8/10/2010 12:01 - United States

Today, after me and my boyfriend had pretty much amazing sex, he took off the condom and started swinging it back and forth, all while making the sounds of a clock and saying, "You are getting sleepy." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32312

You deserved it

6710

Tweet

Share

By Awkward - 16/1/2010 21:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me to meet his friends at one of his exclusive "clubs." Expecting it to be his old friends from college, I agreed to go. Apparently, I've been dating a member of the Ku Klux Klan for 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69405

You deserved it

7860

Tweet

Share

By foolmetwice - 16/5/2011 14:28

Today, I spilt a very hot cup of tea all over a burn I got yesterday from spilling a very hot cup of tea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22021

You deserved it

39959

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/10/2014 20:52 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, after my first day at work at a local daycare, I found out that I'm not entitled to breaks because I'm the only worker there who doesn't smoke. My boss asked me, ''What do you need a break for?'' FML

I agree, your life sucks

40836

You deserved it

2963

Tweet

Share

By aphre - 18/3/2009 12:35 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of over a year and I were discussing how neither of us is the other's usual 'type'. I explained that I usually go for insular asshole types and then asked him what made me different from his usual choices. He said 'Oh, well, I usually go for the attractive ones.' FML

I agree, your life sucks

71692

You deserved it

11842

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/7/2013 05:24 - United States - Oakland

Today, I had my driver's test in rural Maine. I hit a cow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51728

You deserved it

14579

Tweet

Share

By dumb dumb - 14/8/2020 14:00

Not the sharpest crayon in the box

Today, my idiot daughter used my wax warmer to try to give herself a bikini wax using old crayons. Not sure which YouTube idiot she learned it from, but the stench of melted crayon, burnt hair, and singed flesh isn’t a smell I’ll soon be forgetting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1515

You deserved it

179

Tweet

Share

By tanisLX - 25/10/2014 21:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went to the police station to find out if the tint on my new car's windshield was too dark. The officer took one look, told me that windshield tints are illegal in California, and ticketed me. So much for being honest. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36095

You deserved it

9621

Tweet

Share

By hahahaha91 - 3/10/2009 07:59 - United States

Today, I woke up excited for my trip to Jamaica with my friends. We went to the airport, and I gave them my passport to check in. They gave it back. It had expired three weeks ago. I watched my friends board the plane while I'm stuck in the city. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16043

You deserved it

51498

Tweet

Share

By dilligaf - 27/9/2011 06:22 - United States

Today, I had to choose between staying with my boyfriend and moving out to a better job. I chose my boyfriend. He promptly left me because I didn't take the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30268

You deserved it

18461

Tweet

Share

By janae - 6/8/2018 23:30

Today, I discovered that I am pregnant. I questioned my boyfriend and he admitted to not using a condom because he thought we were just doing "practice sex". FML

I agree, your life sucks

2818

You deserved it

1652

Tweet

Share

By majorlyturnedoff - 21/8/2012 03:02 - United States

Today, after his second week of babysitting, my boyfriend has begun the disturbing habit of saying, "Ready or not, here I come!" every time he's about to orgasm. He doesn't see why this doesn't appeal to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31146

You deserved it

3289

Tweet

Share

By ADH2000 - 9/3/2009 22:45 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I stopped to take a pee in the lobby before I went in. I relaxed a bit too much at the urinal and accidentally farted. I chuckled about it like a 5-year old for a few seconds. The guy that had been next to me at the urinal was the interviewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21765

You deserved it

47021

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 3/8/2011 17:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I snuck into the bathroom together at his house for a quickie. Just as we unzipped our pants, his step-dad knocked on the door. Panicking, I jumped into the closet to hide. When his step-dad came in, he went to put some towels away. In the closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16049

You deserved it

41977

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By melisssa87 | 30

#7728285 - Sunday 25 November 2018 14:07

That’s not a friend, that’s an enemy feeding you worms

By RichardPencil | 28

#7728241 - Sunday 25 November 2018 12:35

Chocolate that’s expired tastes like crap. How did you get past the first bite?

And don’t be friends with regifters!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7728241 - Sunday 25 November 2018 12:35

Chocolate that’s expired tastes like crap. How did you get past the first bite?

And don’t be friends with regifters!

Reply

melisssa87 | 30

#7728284 - Sunday 25 November 2018 14:06

It’s time to de-gift

By melisssa87 | 30

#7728285 - Sunday 25 November 2018 14:07

That’s not a friend, that’s an enemy feeding you worms

Reply

RichardPencil | 28

#7728330 - Sunday 25 November 2018 17:19

With friends like that, who need enemas?

By Paul B. Gyurcsanszky | 14

#7728516 - Monday 26 November 2018 3:11

With friends like that who needs enemies?

By Charlie Given | 23

#7728548 - Monday 26 November 2018 5:31

those weren't worms they were maggots 😨😵🤢

By Hoeksche | 9

#7728652 - Monday 26 November 2018 11:49

that must have been low quality chocolate, good quality chocolate only gets a bit of a white layer on top of it, but nothing else changes to it.

Reply

WHSKitty4ever | 23

#7728769 - Monday 26 November 2018 17:56

Still disgusting

By WHSKitty4ever | 23

#7728768 - Monday 26 November 2018 17:55

I hope you dropped the friend.

By OnReceivingEnd | 14

#7728910 - Tuesday 27 November 2018 2:49

Old gift, new EX-friend.

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7729355 - Wednesday 28 November 2018 3:28

Awww man, I should NOT have been eating chocolate fudge when reading this...

By Xavier K. Valdez | 8

#7766218 - Saturday 9 February 2019 0:13

They weren't worms... maggots! lol

By zoelog | 10

#7838979 - Sunday 1 September 2019 22:19

if there were worms in the chocolate then they would have had to get in somehow. didnt you notice holes in the wrapping or something?