Miscellaneous: Today, I was drinking in the park with my friends. Being drunk,... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 1

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 93

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 289

You deserved it 53

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 383

You deserved it 27

29/09/2009 06:47

Today, I was drinking in the park with my friends. Being drunk, I relieved myself on a nearby tree. Unknown to me, a 4 year old was having her birthday party 100 yards away. I was arrested for public intoxication and exposing myself to a minor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 907

You deserved it 73 562

Going swimmingly

Can't win

Slot machine addicts

20/09/2018 17:30

Today, my family and I went to Olive Garden. Due to my autism, I sometimes have a nervous tic, which presented itself while I was looking at the menu. I would have appreciated it if my mom hadn't then screamed at me to stop in front of the entire restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 513

You deserved it 626

27/02/2011 21:46

Today, I went to my first ever high school party with music, drinks, and dancing. Within a few minutes of taking my first ever shot of tequila, I was in the worst pain in my life. My parents were called and I had to be taken to the hospital. I'm alcohol intolerant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 965

You deserved it 13 952

29/04/2011 16:09

Today, my doctor told me my asthma was being triggered by my dad's smoking. He wrote a note to my dad, asking him to refrain from smoking while around me. My dad took one look at the note, then threw it in the trash, saying the doctor "doesn't know what he's talking about." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 247

You deserved it 3 005

02/11/2016 17:34

Today, I rode my newly-purchased bicycle to Lowe's to look at flooring and back splashes for our upcoming remodel. Upon leaving the store, I found out that my bicycle had been stolen by someone who had bought a hacksaw from that store while I was shopping. They left the receipt to mock me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 479

You deserved it 775

22/12/2018 18:00

Today I was stalking my Bumble match’s Instagram feed before I said hello. I went to tap for sound on a video of him getting his backside tattooed but accidentally double tapped and liked the video. Sound turned on and I realized I liked a video of him farting. Couldn’t say hello after that. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1 028

You deserved it 1 725

Turn off your mind, relax and float downstream

By Anonymous - 07/09/2021 14:01

Today, as usual, I'm receiving constant texts and calls. I'm socially exhausted and just want to be left alone, but everyone I complain to just thinks I’m bragging about my popularity. Including my therapist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 784

You deserved it 317

03/03/2009 23:00

Today, I was at a party and we were all playing Seven Minutes in Heaven. It was my crush's turn to spin the bottle so my heart started pounding. The bottle pointed towards me! Then my crush said, "With her it'd be 'Seven Minutes in Hell'. Just skip me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 121 638

You deserved it 8 155

Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes

By Anonymous - 09/02/2017 15:00

Today, after pranking my roommate several times by putting lube in his hand sanitizer bottle, he got me back by putting sanitizer in my lube. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 747

You deserved it 11 895

26/09/2011 01:57

Today, I spilled hot coffee all over this man at work. I tried apologizing and saying it was an accident, but he then complained, which resulted in me being unemployed. The man I spilled coffee on was my uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 109

You deserved it 3 124

19/12/2011 05:03

Today, I was working on the computer when my dad walks in, pointing his finger at me like a gun. Before I could even ask, it turns out he was aiming a rubber band at me. The doctor says I'll be able to take off my eye patch in a couple of days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 763

You deserved it 2 638

Beggars can be choosers

By Rebecca Palermo - 14/12/2020 11:03

Today, I saw a girl asking for money on the median of an entrance to a parking lot with her dog. Later, I bought a box of dog treats for her. I drove up and handed it to her. She rolled her eyes and said, "How the hell am I supposed to carry that?" I sat there in stunned disbelief with the box she refused to take. FML

I agree, your life sucks 858

You deserved it 177

28/10/2015 15:09

Today, I woke up to the sound of footsteps outside my room. I investigated but found nothing. As I went back to my room, I heard a sort of giggling from inside. I was so scared, I grabbed my car keys, got the fuck out of there, and drove to my girlfriend's house in my pajamas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 540

You deserved it 3 109

24/06/2009 01:28

Today, I received in the mail a hockey puck autographed by recent hall of fame addition Steve Yzerman. When asked, I had to explain to my 4 year old brother that someone famous had written his name on it. Later, I discovered that my brother decided it needed his name on it too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 115

You deserved it 5 489

20/08/2013 16:28

Today, I found out that while having a GPS tracker in your car is helpful for tracking down car thieves, it's also helpful to your psycho ex, who can use it to track you down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 056

You deserved it 3 587

17/07/2010 20:31

Today, I was looking for a parking spot and finally found one. Trying to figure out if the spot was legal, I asked a cop that had pulled up. He said it was fine. I came back 3 hours later to a parking ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 888

You deserved it 3 989

28/09/2016 13:13

Today, I secured a tender for my boss, earning her 1/4 million in profits. Today is also meant to be pay-day for us, but my boss is too busy dealing with the tender to pay her employees. So essentially, I made my boss rich while remaining broke and in debt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 594

You deserved it 940

29/06/2015 20:29

Today, I was legitimately sick so I called in to work. Apparently, 4 other guys on my line called in too. My boss thought we planned it. Now we're all written up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 873

You deserved it 1 545

02/06/2011 07:26

Today, I applied for a dental insurance that claims "you cannot be denied". I was denied. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 880

You deserved it 3 504

18/11/2009 21:01

Today, I learned that if you stare at your cat and her eyes suddenly get really big, it means she's going to maul your face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 371

You deserved it 32 013

01/02/2009 14:40

Today, I asked the girl I like if she wanted to go to the movies, she said yes and I said I'd let her pick the movie. She picked the movie, "Just Friends". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 779

You deserved it 4 011

19/04/2013 11:44

Today, it has been over 3 months since my housemates ended their 1 month long relationship. He's still creepily obsessed with her. He picked the bathroom lock when I was in the shower and tried to get in, and then called me a "fucking c*nt" when he realised it was me in there, not her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 023

You deserved it 4 439

08/11/2011 06:11

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to have sex with a piece of fruit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 977

You deserved it 8 503

21/10/2013 02:16

Today, I was mugged in a public bathroom. All I had on me was a plastic sheriff's badge, so I gave it to them. They laughed me out of the restroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 989

You deserved it 4 023

07/12/2010 05:28

Today, I was working a midnight shift when a guy came in drunk and was trying to get me to come home with him. I said I had a boyfriend. As I said this, my manager, who has no teeth and B.O, said he was my boyfriend. I will never live this down with my co-workers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 735

You deserved it 4 260

27/11/2011 21:41

Today, my dad had his "sixteen years overdue" vasectomy. I'm fifteen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 453

You deserved it 2 846

23/11/2011 23:54

Today, my boyfriend used a laser pointer to show me where I needed to lose weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 739

You deserved it 6 257

See ya!

By inefficiencies - 02/02/2021 05:10

Today, I was supposed to have a hospital appointment I've been waiting three months for, but they changed it to a phone call. The call consisted of the consultant asking questions and saying, "Yes, I see that in your notes", before concluding I need to a physical appointment and booking one… for three months' time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 932

You deserved it 46

03/04/2013 13:32

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I dropped our daughter. Our hypothetical daughter. Represented by a stuffed owl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 581

You deserved it 6 084

05/03/2012 09:42

Today, I defended the dried up things in the cup noodles as being real vegetables, just so that it would appear that I do actually eat vegetables. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 370

You deserved it 23 926

18/03/2009 13:02

Today, I received an e-mail from the girls at work. It was an invite to lunch but it said, "Lunch today at Camber's, PLEASE don't tell Francoise, I don't think any of us can take any more of her!" I'm Francoise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86 897

You deserved it 19 416

14/04/2017 02:00

Today, as I was trying to get out of bed, my foot began sliding across the floor. I instinctively tried to balance myself, only for the new angle to cause my right hip to painfully and loudly dislocate, making me fall face-forward into my dresser. Back stuck in bed after three days of freedom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 091

You deserved it 364

22/12/2012 11:15

Spicy

Today, I had a look through my dad's girlfriend's phone she left on the table. Best part: I now know what I'm getting for christmas. Worst part: I now know my dad's favourite position. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 554

You deserved it 76 620

02/11/2013 20:23

Today, my boyfriend left me for another girl. My dad's reaction to the news and my tears was to say, "Aww. Gonna write a song about it, Taylor Swift?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 848

You deserved it 8 362

14/01/2012 00:09

Today, I dove head-first underneath my garage door, narrowly missing both the sensor and the closing door, executing a perfect roll, and popping back up onto my feet unscathed. My smugness went through the floor as I remembered I'd left my keys back in the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 992

You deserved it 15 189

09/02/2015 23:07

Today, I have spent so much time watching Scooby Doo with my son that I actually used the word "zoinks". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 473

You deserved it 5 770

10/04/2009 18:39

Today, I was pulled over for not having my car inspection up to date. I had my car inspected two weeks earlier. Since I'm at college my sticker was mailed to my home. My mother didn't want to pay the 42cent postage so now I have to pay $250.00 because my mother is cheap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 914

You deserved it 4 344

04/05/2011 14:50

Today, my boyfriend was introducing me to some business partners. As he was going along telling me their names, when he introduced me, he called me by my best friend's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 152

You deserved it 3 714

07/02/2011 02:36

Today, I went to go use an automatic cart in Walmart because I broke my hip in January. They were all being used by morbidly obese people throughout the store. I asked a manager if she could get me one, but apparently their weight issues are more impeding than my broken hip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 065

You deserved it 3 623

18/06/2015 20:09

Today, a woman bitched me out at the grocery store, saying that since I'm not Indian, I shouldn't be wearing a bindi - a red dot on my forehead - because it's "cultural appropriation". I was too embarrassed to tell her it was actually a pimple I'd been trying to pop on my forehead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 212

You deserved it 2 832

05/10/2013 16:00

Today, I woke up, got dressed, and left for the 1 hour drive to the nearest vet. When I arrived, I realized that I left my cat in its carrier on my kitchen counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 730

You deserved it 26 961

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Tuesday 29 September 2009 16:15

Are you 13 or something? Drinking in a park, really?

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Tuesday 29 September 2009 16:12

YDI. Drink at home.

Comments

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Tuesday 29 September 2009 16:12

YDI. Drink at home.

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Tuesday 29 September 2009 16:34

what the hell? how did this FML even get on here? Its a total YDI!!! god its like he's blaming it on the year old for having a birthday party

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Tuesday 29 September 2009 16:40

Considering it was a 4 year old's party, it was early in the day. So you totally deserve it. I mean cmon drinking pissing in a park in the day? Couldn't you hear the noise from the party?

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Tuesday 29 September 2009 17:17

FYL dude.. America's law system is F'ed anyway.. exposing yourself to a minor... Idiots. Once again: FYL

Occam 0

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Tuesday 29 September 2009 17:39

#20, that's the first thing I thought of, too. Ridiculous.

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Tuesday 29 September 2009 18:10

#32 Yes it is. They won't even let us smoke weed here.

whatsgoingon6 0

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Tuesday 29 September 2009 21:39

in my state you would be a sex offender for doing that lol

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Tuesday 29 September 2009 23:34

YDI and this would happen in Texas.

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Wednesday 30 September 2009 0:50

I hate people who think Texas is as stereotypical as it is. I mean, it really is, but here and Houston and more south it gets away from the stereotypical Texas and more like anywhere else.

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Wednesday 30 September 2009 18:30

most places are as they are stereotyped. Case and point. Mass is full of liberal assholes that cannot drive.

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Thursday 1 October 2009 10:00

You totally deserve it, OP.

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Thursday 1 October 2009 22:08

u sir are an idiot, indeed exposing yourself to a minor, thats what its called when you pull your dick out in front of a kid, wether its sexual or not

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Saturday 3 October 2009 14:28

FYL Man. I HATE THESE FUCKING 4 YEAR OLDS. THEY RUIN EVERYTHING. FUCK EM. FUCK EM ALL!

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 11:29

go #140!! lol dumb little kids mind ur own buisness dont scream and say mommy theres a man showing his penis ooo they need to stfu!! annoying brats fuck em all.

redmonkey224539 9

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Monday 23 January 2012 13:30

You are a fucking idiot

cryssycakesx3 22

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Wednesday 10 September 2014 6:51

case IN* point

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Tuesday 29 September 2009 16:13

I agree with #1.YDI

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Tuesday 29 September 2009 18:47

That's called alcoholism, and it needs to stop. Haha. F the 4 year olds life. "Today, I was having a birthday party. Then, some drunken douche came over and pissed on a tree in front of all of my friends and their parents. FML."

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Saturday 3 October 2009 19:47

YDI. Douchebag.

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Saturday 2 July 2011 20:05

Normally FMLs are about something happening that WASN'T completely your own fault....

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Tuesday 29 September 2009 16:15

Are you 13 or something? Drinking in a park, really?

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Wednesday 30 September 2009 4:09

That's what I was thinking.

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Tuesday 29 September 2009 16:16

you deserve it....big time

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Tuesday 29 September 2009 16:16

Good one! Do u think before u do anything? DA

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Tuesday 29 September 2009 16:18

fifteenth!

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Tuesday 29 September 2009 16:18

Good Job now you scared a little girl

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Tuesday 29 September 2009 16:18

LOL drinking in broad daylight in a park...that's just sad.

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Tuesday 29 September 2009 16:19

Kids grow up so fast these days. And you just helped a four-year old see a grown man's pee pee. That's one milestone accomplished.

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Tuesday 29 September 2009 16:23

"You ever been in a cockpit before?" "No sir, I've never been up in a plane before." "You ever seen a grown man naked?"

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Tuesday 29 September 2009 18:43

Airplane FTW!

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Tuesday 29 September 2009 16:20

In before the "come on people! Everyone has gotten drunk in a park and exposed themselves to a minor atleast once!" comment. Drinking at the park, I can understand because I have done at so at beaches. Getting piss drunk enough that peeing in said public place where people can apparently see you quite clearly is the major no no. In fact I'm also going to add that peeing in a public place in BROAD FUCKIN DAYLIGHT (don't know many parents that will throw their 4 year old a birthday party outdoors at night) is also a seriously bad move in of itself.