Miscellaneous: Today, I was downtown with my boyfriend around Noon when we walked...

By epicc1584 - United States

Today, I was downtown with my boyfriend around Noon when we walked past a few guys who shouted out to me "You're the most beautiful girl we've seen all day". My boyfriend's response was "It's still early." FML

I agree, your life sucks

53061

You deserved it

4427

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Miscellaneous

Understandable

Walk on the wild side

Get me away from here, I'm dying

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I threw up on a police officer who was trying to do a random breath test. I wasn't drunk or hungover. I'm pregnant and suffering morning sickness. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37264

You deserved it

2517

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By jgw

Today, I was certain that over the six years of struggling through my Ph.D., I had culminated in one truly original idea. Until I saw it published in another thesis, from 1953. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5637

You deserved it

660

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years told me that I appear to have gained some weight. After realizing that it made me feel depressed, he tried to make me feel better by making love to me. I decided to go with it. While doing so, he paused and said "I'm sorry baby, but your weight is too much pressure for my back." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34123

You deserved it

8557

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my psychologist's. We were talking about creative outlets and I told him that I wanted to start playing Dungeons and Dragons again. He starts chuckling, and then says, "Oh, you were serious." FML

I agree, your life sucks

15694

You deserved it

22139

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out I'm being evicted from my apartment on my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35822

You deserved it

18275

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a man punched me for sleeping with his wife. Bewildered, I insisted I would never sleep with a married woman, to which he retorted "She wasn't my wife when it HAPPENED, dumbass!" I was assaulted for sleeping with my own girlfriend three years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53248

You deserved it

4049

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By ven980 - United States

Today, I had to blow up an air mattress using only my lungs. After nearly passing out from lack of oxygen, I realized there was a hole in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23798

You deserved it

29437

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By linzl00 - United States - Springfield

Today, the "man cold" has infected my brother. He honestly thinks he's dying. He only has the sniffles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39051

You deserved it

3626

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By Wellthen

Today, I was fired from my job. Not because I don't do a good job but because my boss didn't feel it was appropriate to have an affair with my wife and have to face me everyday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19273

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1443

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend in my room. About two minutes into it, my cat walks in and jumps on the bed with us. Without hesitation, my girlfriend tells me to stop, rolls over, and starts petting my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32484

You deserved it

6458

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By Anonymous - United States

Bounced

Today, I was at a metal concert and I met a really cute girl. We got talking, and started getting close. We were about to kiss during the transitional period between 2 bands, but I was then pulled away by her father, who owned the venue. I was thrown out. Before the main act. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1908

You deserved it

215

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was bitched out by my 17 year old son's teacher. It seems the idiot teacher made the kids advocate for his own political beliefs in a presentation, and my son ended his speech saying, "And it remains my opinion that our instructor is cramping my motherfucking style." Instant suspension. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32462

You deserved it

5647

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I watched The Omen with my father. Halfway through driving me back home, he stopped the car and made me get out right there in a rough part of town. Fifteen minutes later, he drove up beside me, laughed hysterically at how terrified I was, and told me to get in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30632

You deserved it

2772

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By zazzleface - United States - Bergenfield

Today, my mom was in the kitchen when her shirt caught on fire. Acting quickly, I poured my glass of water on her. Instead of thanking me, she yelled at me for making a mess. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31184

You deserved it

2355

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By neverbeensurprised - United States

Today, I found out my friend has been texting my long distance boyfriend more than I do. When I confronted her about it, she confessed that it was because they had been planning a surprise appearance for me. I've never been surprised before, and I ruined my own surprise. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19114

You deserved it

47109

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By NNTA - Netherlands - Maastricht

WTF, dude?

Today, as I was driving back home from my grandma's, I looked over at the guy in the lane beside me, only to witness him with a sandwich between his teeth and his cock in his free hand. Now I know why I don't leave the city, or even drive, more often. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44194

You deserved it

4499

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By ktreens - Canada - Brandon

Today, I was getting out of the car when I saw a dark figure approaching me from behind a shed. I screamed and threw my bag. It also threw its bag, due to the fact that it was my shadow on the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9764

You deserved it

26306

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By EnglandRocks - Switzerland - Bern

Today, it is the one-year anniversary of my mother's death. It's also the day my father chose to announce his engagement to the whole family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40196

You deserved it

2740

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By anyoi - United States - Rocklin

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my parents over dinner. During the meal, he excused himself to the bathroom, and when he didn't come back after a few minutes, I went to check up on him. I ended up finding him in the living room, pocketing a pack of ambien from my mom's bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29205

You deserved it

3414

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By littl3storm

Today, I found out that I work with a bunch of sex addicts. One of them is my cousin, and she did NOT hold back when telling me her and her fiancé's plans about swinging. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1788

You deserved it

180

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By dk14

Today, my girlfriend's dad let me borrow his car for transportation to work because mine got totaled. This car is a complete dump and I've realized he's only letting me use it so it's my fault to fix the broken things on the car. So far, I've had to replace the battery and two popped tires. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5920

You deserved it

634

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, my son invited me to his first standup comedy gig. I accepted, only to later suffer through an hour of the worst jokes I've heard in my entire life. It was so bad, he made Dane Cook look like a comic genius, and I had to resist heckling him. Hours later, I still feel vaguely suicidal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29834

You deserved it

6004

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By anon - United States - Commack

Today, at my daughter's ballet recital, after she was done dancing, grown adults booed. She's five. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47274

You deserved it

2795

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By JC - United States - Villa Ridge

Today, I read an article with tips on how to give girls full-body orgasms and I decided to test a few on my girlfriend. Instead of having a mind-blowing orgasm, she started cackling and said I looked like a giraffe trying to bob for apples. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27382

You deserved it

6006

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By Sad ex-wife - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, while at work, I helped my ex-husband pick out a ring for the girl he cheated on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35879

You deserved it

7040

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By shitforchris - Canada

Today, I had to give the girl I am absolutely in love with advice on how to have better sex with her boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65353

You deserved it

11609

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By Anonymous - United States - Walbridge

Today, my mom finally noticed the joke file I have on my PC desktop called "bigcocklovespussy.jpg". It's just a cute picture of a chicken snuggling with a cat. She didn't actually open the file and just deleted it. She won't believe my explanation and grounded me for a month for "looking at porn". FML

I agree, your life sucks

19390

You deserved it

7606

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By Anonymous Baker

Today, I got a write-up because I told my boss that it was impossible to have pies, which have a bake time of 1 hour, ready for a customer who wanted them in the next 15 to 20 minutes. Then, when the customer got there and the pies were still in the oven, I got a second write-up for wasting time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2198

You deserved it

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By qwaynick

Today, my wife got her second kidney stone in a month. I gave her some pills to help with the pain. An hour later she started hallucinating, pulled down her pants and tried to pee on our couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32935

You deserved it

6579

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By Anonymous - United States - Montebello

Today, my soon-to-be stepson, 13, decided that he and I needed to spend "more quality time" together. His idea? We should start "bonding" by taking a bath together. When I said no, he told me I was being unfair, and that if I really loved him, I'd do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34540

You deserved it

2649

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By time to put you down, gran - United States

Today, I went to Hollister with my grandmother. She immediately started yelling about the music being too loud, and ordered the staff to "shut the damn thing off". She was yelling at a bunch of mannequins. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27756

You deserved it

4676

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By takeshi

Today, I took my girlfriend to a restaurant we both like. By the end of the date, we were fighting and she angrily broke up with me. To make things worse, I got food poisoning. She didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3164

You deserved it

275

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the new management position I'm supposed to start in two days was delayed for a month and a half. I already quit my current job and called my boss gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10838

You deserved it

55370

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By Nox - United States

Today, my girlfriend accused me of not having any friends. So I sent out a mass text saying "Hey, what's up?" to prove her wrong. I didn't get any replies. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30468

You deserved it

7662

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By Anonymous - United States - Cranston

Today, I had to listen to my boss say "Arabica beans" in a goofy, fake New England accent every time the McDonald's ice coffee commercial came on the radio. I worked a 12-hour shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35667

You deserved it

3253

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By Anonymous - United States - Tulsa

Today, in my job as an assistant at a music venue, I had to get posters signed by that night's performer. When I walked into the dressing room, I was told, "unless you're sucking my cock then get the fuck out of here" and had the posters slapped out of my hands. It's my job to deal with these pricks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39924

You deserved it

3541

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 00:58 - Canada - Brandon

Time marches on

Today, after looking back at our high school photos, I told my fiancée I’ve been scared lately that I’m getting uglier with age, and that I was much prettier back then. He got really quiet, and then agreed with me.. I’m only 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks

692

You deserved it

218

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on my way back to work after lunch, my airbags deployed at a stop sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23798

You deserved it

1658

Favorite

By Gone With the Wind - United States - Omaha

Today, the tornado sirens went off so my family went to the basement and turned on the TV to the local news. The station goes to their sky cam as a trampoline flies by. Quite the sight. When the storm passed, I looked outside to see our trampoline was gone. It was the one flying by on TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53575

You deserved it

4855

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By zamwow - United States - Ridgefield Park

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Just as he was about to finish, he pulled out and came in his hand. He then flicked his hand towards my face and yelled, "Sha-ZAM!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

60632

You deserved it

8839

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Top comments

By simplyn2deep | 2

#443198 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:24

nice compliments from the guys. sucks you have a jerk for a boyfriend. I would have replied back that they were the hottest guys I'd seen in a long time.

By necrobese | 0

#443179 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:19

Ouch!

COMMENTS

By necrobese | 0

#443179 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:19

Ouch!

lonelyinMA | 0

#443219 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:28

simply defending his territory

Trollinggx3 | 0

#443280 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:45

YDI for being ugly.

bloodthorn | 4

#443385 - Thursday 30 July 2009 21:22

agreed. YDI for being an ugly piece of shit

genius_man16 | 0

#443409 - Thursday 30 July 2009 21:35

Agree with 10. Jesus, what the hell is with all these extremely sensitive girls? It's called a joke, with him trying to shrug off his jealousy, goddamn.

Lmao_xD | 0

#443901 - Friday 31 July 2009 0:37

uhm wow

By venom117 | 0

#443182 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:20

HAH awesome

BussellRishop | 0

#443533 - Thursday 30 July 2009 22:41

To be fair, it is delicious.

By halflife3isreal | 0

#443197 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:23

So, what's bad about this?

seb12992 | 0

#443325 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:58

Are you stupid or something?

P.S.

Jackass crew should pick all the FMLs for now on. The FMLs they picked are hilarious!

yeahsurre | 0

#443698 - Thursday 30 July 2009 23:37

i completely agree :)

sugar_bear | 0

#444205 - Friday 31 July 2009 6:11

I agree with 32, about the jackass crew part.

By simplyn2deep | 2

#443198 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:24

nice compliments from the guys. sucks you have a jerk for a boyfriend. I would have replied back that they were the hottest guys I'd seen in a long time.

Edeline_fml | 0

#443465 - Thursday 30 July 2009 22:09

Niiice.

ichat21 | 9

#445214 - Friday 31 July 2009 19:18

Oooh take simplyn2deep's advice. Then dump him.
Then he'll see how funny his little joke is.

TheFection | 0

#2290213 - Monday 4 April 2011 3:09

exactly. just dump him for one of them. I would have broken up with him and exchanged numbers with the others on the spot

Hidebehindarock | 19

#6155839 - Saturday 27 December 2014 23:53

Lol..you have a lot to learn about sarcasm if you'd do that..

By Silent_Harmony | 3

#443200 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:24

Beat him up LOL

no1askdu | 5

#443297 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:50

Beat him off LOL

kyle4321 | 0

#465370 - Friday 7 August 2009 6:06

Win on #27's part

By KumoFF7 | 3

#443203 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:25

lol surprised they used beautiful instead of hot.
this isn't an FML

By ilikeboys | 0

#443204 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:25

your bf just has a sense of humor...lol
that's funny. i don't think he was trying to be a jerk but who knows

Hidebehindarock | 19

#6155840 - Saturday 27 December 2014 23:57

This should be featured.

By boysxrulex09 | 0

#443205 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:25

girls suck.

carlos177567 | 0

#443218 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:28

your mum sucks. she blows too.

cima3695 | 0

#443309 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:52

I'm guessing your gay.

lmmmr | 0

#443328 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:59

Aww, little boy still believes in cooties.

MissBoo101 | 0

#2907223 - Saturday 16 July 2011 18:08

yes, yes we do. you should be more appreciative of it.

By Sketch_y | 0

#443233 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:32

Err. She submitted this at 8:32 AM. They knew she was the ONLY girl they saw so far.

Hurr hurr.

tikimuppet | 11

#443408 - Thursday 30 July 2009 21:34

Different countries have different time zones. It could have been past lunch in Maryland when it was posted

diet_otaku | 0

#444057 - Friday 31 July 2009 1:31

maybe you missed the part where OP said "around noon"?

By Person1233 | 12

#443236 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:33

I've moderated MUCH better FMLs than this; this week, and they didn't make it to the front page

wbrycem | 0

#443271 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:42

Do you want a hero cookie?

xHaniffax | 0

#443375 - Thursday 30 July 2009 21:17

are they chocolate chip? If so, yes. But I don't like oatmeal or raisin.......or even better! - Make it white chocolate mmmmmmmmmm cookieeeee.

Person1233 | 12

#443431 - Thursday 30 July 2009 21:53

WTF! FML took out half of my comment to make me look like a total douche. -_-

blackdog218 | 0

#443450 - Thursday 30 July 2009 22:04

lol FYL Person1233