Today, I was downtown with my boyfriend around Noon when we walked...

By epicc1584 - 30/7/2009 12:32 - United States

Today, I was downtown with my boyfriend around Noon when we walked past a few guys who shouted out to me "You're the most beautiful girl we've seen all day". My boyfriend's response was "It's still early." FML

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Miscellaneous

What did I do?

Property law

Great speech, thanks!

By Sorry? - 2/12/2016 03:54 - United States

Today, I took a test. I got up to turn it in, and accidentally bumped into another student. We both whispered, "Sorry." Our teacher promptly gave us detention and a 0% on the test for talking. Sorry for being sorry? FML

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By sharibaby - 30/4/2013 21:26 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, it's my wedding day. I have a cold sore that makes me look like The Joker. Make-up won't cover it and the emergency medicine my doctor gave me only irritates it more. My future husband asks, "Why so serious?" and laughs whenever he sees me. Fantastic. FML

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By Tanner - 16/7/2011 06:23 - United States

Today, I got mugged. I also got an extra kick in the face for not having money in my wallet. FML

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By shootme - 13/11/2011 22:46 - Canada

Today, like every day, I used my phone while taking a dump. As I reached for some toilet paper to wipe myself, my sister pounded on the door for me to hurry up. I yelled "Fine," and without realizing it, wiped myself with my phone. FML

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By lovergirl - 27/7/2017 12:00 - United States - Orem

Off to a good start!

Today, I received an email from a potential employer with an awesome job opportunity. I was so excited, I immediately went to forward the email to my husband. My email included a lot of "I love you" and "we are going to celebrate tonight ;)". In my excitement, I hit reply instead of forward. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2009 12:17 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, by text, while we were in the same room. FML

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By logansowow - 25/8/2016 00:37

Today, I found out that my wife is seeing a marriage counselor. With her ex. FML

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16726

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By Jackey - 5/6/2019 12:00

Today, I signed the contract for my 18th book sale. I went to school to be a serious writer. My latest book is a gay werebear story that involves male pregnancy. FML

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By JustAnotherFML23 - 4/9/2013 01:32 - United States - Seattle

Today, my loneliness reached a new level when I befriended the fly in my apartment, Mr. Stickyfoot. FML

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By kklaucen14 - 6/8/2012 01:15 - United States - Connersville

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a party. He got drunk and started talking about how his hot blonde girlfriend gives him great blowjobs. I'm a brunette. FML

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By married life - 16/5/2013 05:58 - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, I had to explain to my husband why I was assuming that he was planning to attend my graduation ceremonies for my PhD next week. He still doesn't understand why he has to be there, and is pissed that he will miss his weekly pub crawl with his friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2011 03:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that vaginal, oral, and anal sex are starting to get boring. Let's just say that my armpit is now drenched in lube. I'm afraid of what he's going to want to try once he gets bored of this. FML

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By piercednipple - 30/6/2015 16:02 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, my docile gerbil was startled by a car alarm. He dove into my tank top and bit straight through my nipple. FML

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By TCRII - 19/1/2019 16:00

Today, my girlfriend came over, drank half a bottle of Jack Daniels and pissed in my sink. I broke up with her and went out with friends. I met a woman and brought her home to watch a movie. She drank a bottle of wine and puked on my couch. FML

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By shit - 26/1/2014 18:20 - United States - South Holland

Today, my sister was taking forever in the bathroom, and I jokingly threatened to kick down the door. I rammed into it, and it actually bust almost off its hinges. My sister screamed and our parents came running. Now I'm grounded forever and our bathroom has no door. FML

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By Brrrb - 5/3/2009 05:22 - Singapore

Today, I passed by a small shop and decided to go in to look at the jeans. Before I could even step in, the shop owner told me expressionlessly, "All the sizes here are too small for you". FML

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By Nissan_David - 18/1/2010 06:09 - United States

Today, I was helping my friend put up a wooden fence at his new house. I was holding the sections of fence up while he nailed them in with an air powered nail gun. The gun malfunctioned and fired twice putting the second nail through my hand and into the wood. We had to pry the nail out. FML

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By Jessica - 28/2/2012 19:38 - United States

Today, I got my score back for the monologue I performed. I got points taken off for "seeming nervous." My character was supposed to be nervous. FML

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By Links - 20/11/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, a McDonald's employee had to correct my math after counting out $2.37 in change. I'm in AP Calculus and am currently learning how to find the derivative of an inverse of a logarithm. FML

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By ohgosh - 12/10/2009 05:27 - Canada

Today, my son lost his pet rat, Charlie. Whilst vacuuming under my couch, the vacuum suddenly shut off. Something was stuck in it, so I took it apart. Something was inside, so I leaned in closer to get a better look. Bad news? I need a new vacuum. Good news? I found Charlie. FML

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By ohshat - 22/12/2009 18:05 - United States

Today, I was on Facebook chat with my boss, talking about holiday hours. I had to go to my doctor's appointment, so I said, "G2G, love you" accidentally. Not only did he say it back, but he also requested a relationship with me on Facebook. FML

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By duko3000 - 6/6/2010 17:36 - Canada

Today, I found out the reason I can't get a job. My previous employer didn't know my name, so when places I applied to called there for a reference, my boss said he had no recollection of me working there. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2013 02:39 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I was searched and questioned at the airport for having an apple. FML

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By no more tp - 17/2/2011 06:22

Today, I ran out of toilet paper in the bathroom. I was forced to use tissues to do the job. As if that wasn't bad enough, the sanitizer in the tissues gave me a rash that made me have to stand up frequently in the lecture hall. Several people asked if I had Tourette's. FML

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By Shropintz - 23/2/2011 00:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to move out. Excited, thinking he wanted us to move out from his mom's house, I said, "Yeah! Just you and me?" to which he smirked and replied, "No, just you." FML

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By kiwi - 13/2/2009 19:24 - United Kingdom

Today, as I was getting dressed after having sex with a guy I like, he told me I looked better with my clothes on. FML

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By SleeplessInSoCal - 9/8/2010 06:18 - United States

Today, I couldn't fall asleep till 3am and was woken approximately every hour or so. Why? I found out my new upstairs neighbors have a very active love life. She's a screamer. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2019 06:00 - Australia

The devil is in the details

Today, after cancelling work, arguing with my family, scrambling to pack my bags, speeding to the airport and filling in immigration forms to fly out to have a much needed holiday, I wasn't allowed to check in. My passport has less than 6 months away from expiration on it. Yes, that's a thing, apparently. FML

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By Shewhoisprobablyafurry - 3/5/2020 02:00

Going nowhere fast

Today, I have a massive crush on a fictional character. Who happens to be an ermine. FML

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By Maria - 14/3/2017 15:00 - United Kingdom - York

Today, my boyfriend had his arm around me. He pulled me closer, so I looked up, thinking maybe he wanted a kiss. Turns out he was picking his nose over my head. FML

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4568

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By yoyyo - 7/11/2016 06:29 - United States - Manhattan

Today, I accidentally sliced open my crush's hand at work while we were messing around on break. A month ago, I broke his brother's finger playing dodgeball. No wonder I'm still single; he must think I'm out to get his family. FML

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By stupidsantaclaus - 8/10/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my friend, when my four year old nephew came in, asking who I was talking to. I told him it was Santa Claus, so he insisted on talking to him. I handed over the phone and I hear, "Santa is fake. Grow up." I spent the next two hours with a screaming child proving Santa exists. FML

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15833

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By LawStudent - 19/9/2012 14:54 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I was excited to get my first writing assignment since starting law school. I found out that I have to write a paper defending free speech. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have to defend the Westboro Baptist Church and if I weren't a former Marine. FML

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By CheeseAndCrackers - 30/4/2020 08:00

Everyone loves a weepie

Today, my always over-emotional husband burst into sobs when I thanked him for making me lunch. Apparently, I did not compliment his cooking enough. He microwaved me a Hot Pocket; it was still frozen in the middle. FML

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1590

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By Subliminal message - 19/1/2014 23:21 - Switzerland

Today, my boyfriend started whispering "blowjobbbb" into my ear while we were watching a movie. When I asked him what he was doing, he denied ever saying it and claimed it must have been a subliminal message in the movie. FML

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55544

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2012 18:50 - United States - Castle Rock

Idiots on bikes

Today, as I pulled to a halt at a stop sign, a cyclist ripped through the air, slammed straight into my fender, and almost launched over my car. I ended up being cited for reckless driving. FML

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25709

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By SquishFish - 10/7/2019 14:05

Big nope

Today, while working as a masseur, a man requested a foot massage. This wouldn't have been an issue, had he not had at least 20 warts on his feet. FML

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1834

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 23:10 - Australia

Today, I got fired. By my father. He wants me to drive him to work tomorrow. FML

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35540

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By wallamanut - 14/12/2014 07:50 - United States - Portland

Today, my parents decided to finally kick me out of the house because they've gotten tired of seeing me "sleep around all day and being so lazy" whenever I'm home. I'm currently triple-shifting for 6 days a week. FML

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By dumbfriend - 12/3/2012 19:48 - United States

Today, I was talking to a group of friends about the various problems in Africa. One of them interrupts me and asks with a straight face, "If it's so bad over there, why don't they all just leave?" FML

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Top comments

By simplyn2deep | 2

#443198 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:24

nice compliments from the guys. sucks you have a jerk for a boyfriend. I would have replied back that they were the hottest guys I'd seen in a long time.

By necrobese | 0

#443179 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:19

Ouch!

COMMENTS

By necrobese | 0

#443179 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:19

Ouch!

lonelyinMA | 0

#443219 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:28

simply defending his territory

Trollinggx3 | 0

#443280 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:45

YDI for being ugly.

bloodthorn | 4

#443385 - Thursday 30 July 2009 21:22

agreed. YDI for being an ugly piece of shit

genius_man16 | 0

#443409 - Thursday 30 July 2009 21:35

Agree with 10. Jesus, what the hell is with all these extremely sensitive girls? It's called a joke, with him trying to shrug off his jealousy, goddamn.

Lmao_xD | 0

#443901 - Friday 31 July 2009 0:37

uhm wow

By venom117 | 0

#443182 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:20

HAH awesome

BussellRishop | 0

#443533 - Thursday 30 July 2009 22:41

To be fair, it is delicious.

By halflife3isreal | 0

#443197 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:23

So, what's bad about this?

seb12992 | 0

#443325 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:58

Are you stupid or something?

P.S.

Jackass crew should pick all the FMLs for now on. The FMLs they picked are hilarious!

yeahsurre | 0

#443698 - Thursday 30 July 2009 23:37

i completely agree :)

sugar_bear | 0

#444205 - Friday 31 July 2009 6:11

I agree with 32, about the jackass crew part.

By simplyn2deep | 2

#443198 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:24

nice compliments from the guys. sucks you have a jerk for a boyfriend. I would have replied back that they were the hottest guys I'd seen in a long time.

Edeline_fml | 0

#443465 - Thursday 30 July 2009 22:09

Niiice.

ichat21 | 9

#445214 - Friday 31 July 2009 19:18

Oooh take simplyn2deep's advice. Then dump him.
Then he'll see how funny his little joke is.

TheFection | 0

#2290213 - Monday 4 April 2011 3:09

exactly. just dump him for one of them. I would have broken up with him and exchanged numbers with the others on the spot

Hidebehindarock | 19

#6155839 - Saturday 27 December 2014 23:53

Lol..you have a lot to learn about sarcasm if you'd do that..

By Silent_Harmony | 3

#443200 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:24

Beat him up LOL

no1askdu | 5

#443297 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:50

Beat him off LOL

kyle4321 | 0

#465370 - Friday 7 August 2009 6:06

Win on #27's part

By KumoFF7 | 3

#443203 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:25

lol surprised they used beautiful instead of hot.
this isn't an FML

By ilikeboys | 0

#443204 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:25

your bf just has a sense of humor...lol
that's funny. i don't think he was trying to be a jerk but who knows

Hidebehindarock | 19

#6155840 - Saturday 27 December 2014 23:57

This should be featured.

By boysxrulex09 | 0

#443205 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:25

girls suck.

carlos177567 | 0

#443218 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:28

your mum sucks. she blows too.

cima3695 | 0

#443309 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:52

I'm guessing your gay.

lmmmr | 0

#443328 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:59

Aww, little boy still believes in cooties.

MissBoo101 | 0

#2907223 - Saturday 16 July 2011 18:08

yes, yes we do. you should be more appreciative of it.

By Sketch_y | 0

#443233 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:32

Err. She submitted this at 8:32 AM. They knew she was the ONLY girl they saw so far.

Hurr hurr.

tikimuppet | 11

#443408 - Thursday 30 July 2009 21:34

Different countries have different time zones. It could have been past lunch in Maryland when it was posted

diet_otaku | 0

#444057 - Friday 31 July 2009 1:31

maybe you missed the part where OP said "around noon"?

By Person1233 | 12

#443236 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:33

I've moderated MUCH better FMLs than this; this week, and they didn't make it to the front page

wbrycem | 0

#443271 - Thursday 30 July 2009 20:42

Do you want a hero cookie?

xHaniffax | 0

#443375 - Thursday 30 July 2009 21:17

are they chocolate chip? If so, yes. But I don't like oatmeal or raisin.......or even better! - Make it white chocolate mmmmmmmmmm cookieeeee.

Person1233 | 12

#443431 - Thursday 30 July 2009 21:53

WTF! FML took out half of my comment to make me look like a total douche. -_-

blackdog218 | 0

#443450 - Thursday 30 July 2009 22:04

lol FYL Person1233