Today, I was babysitting my neighbor's kid. We were playing in... - FML

By mandy - 10/4/2009 15:35 - United States

Today, I was babysitting my neighbor's kid. We were playing in the yard, when he fell and got a small scratch on his leg. I gasp, and he takes a huge breath in and yells, "FUUUCK!!!" as loud as possible. The parents thought it was me, and the mother slapped me in the face. FML

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No one likes a smart-ass

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Assumptions

By Anonymous - 27/2/2013 17:36 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend where he went to lunch. He said he went to Wendy's. I teased him and asked if he got tired of eating burgers and Frosty's all the time. His response? "What? No, I mean at Wendy's. You know, the hot girl from work?" FML

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By ihatelife - 14/5/2011 23:17 - Canada

Today, I was trying to listen to a phone message I'd received. I was excited because I'd been waiting for the coaches to call me back for tryouts for a week now. Trying to figure out how to listen to it, I ended up deleting it. FML

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By youre dumped shitforbrain - 19/8/2012 16:52 - Sweden - H?lleforsn

Today, my boyfriend again accused me of cheating on him. This time, it was because I delayed replying to his text message so I could feed my pet. Apparently I'm fucking my pet toad now. Jesus. FML

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By VCR - 20/12/2009 07:13 - United States

Today, I found my underwear in my brother's pillow as well as my vibrator and Victoria's Secret magazines. FML

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By Btdtgts - 25/3/2017 14:00

Today, I had to take out the grease traps from our fryers. A very rude co-worker cut me off, so I had to abruptly stop and try to prevent as much spilling as possible. Luckily, it only spilled on me. I'm here for six more hours with burned, smelly, greasy spots all over my skin and clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2011 21:56 - Isle of Man

Today, I went to the toilet during drama, not because I had to actually go, but because I wanted to play Monopoly on my iPod. I lost track of time and came back twenty minutes later. My whole class listened while I was forced to tell my teacher I'd been really constipated. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2015 15:49 - United States - Bradenton

Today, I was sitting in a bar telling some young dude to accept responsibility for his life choices. I'm over 50 and was spending my last five dollars on beer. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2016 07:49 - United States - La Mesa

Today, while working third shift alone at a gas station, I had to deal with a crazy guy tripping balls and asking me if it was okay to bring a gun into the place. I don't get paid nearly enough for this. FML

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By Alexis - 26/8/2011 23:32 - United States

Today, my dad looked me dead in the eyes and told me that if I wanted to join the Lingerie Football League, I would have his approval. His drunken friends nodded in agreement. FML

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By f*cks_sake - 13/5/2011 23:07 - United States

Today, while tanning on a family cruise, I woke up to a crowd of people staring at me in disgust. Apparently, I'd fallen asleep, developed a boner, and started french-kissing the air. I had to sit through both the surveillance tapes and a grand bollocking from security in the aftermath. FML

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By liquorless - 5/11/2012 14:02 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, my girlfriend's mother came over for a few hours. After she left I went to grab a drink, only to find that three bottles of expensive liquor were missing from our liquor cabinet. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2013 00:21 - Canada - Corner Brook

Today, my boyfriend gave me lingerie from Victoria's Secret. He then added that his mother picked it out. FML

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By 9inchsofty - 20/9/2018 14:00

Today, I took my truck through an automatic car wash. During the wash, the bristles on one of the automatic scrubbers ripped my metal antenna off of my car. The antenna was stuck spinning around in the scrubber, smacking and scratching the entire side of my car, top to bottom. FML

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By bieberyoulittleSHIT - 31/8/2012 19:20 - United Kingdom - Goole

Today, I was playing some CoD online, when I realised I'd started humming an annoyingly catchy Bieber tune. Before I could come to my senses and pull out my mic, a bunch of my teammates started sarcastically singing along. FML

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By uglyswimmer - 23/4/2009 01:58 - United States

Today, I was talking to a swimmer I just met. I saw a cute guy and whispered to her "that guy is hot." She asked "Who?" I pointed at him. She turned to see him, then turned back to me and said "Ew, thats my brother." She went to him, whispered something. He turned around to see me and said "EW." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2013 21:36 - United States - College Station

Today, my boss gave me a verbal warning. My crime? Calling people "hon", "darlin'", and the like. I work at a Texas diner. FML

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By AVeryConfusedGuy - 11/5/2017 22:00

Today, I was having sex with a girl and she passed out about a minute in. I panicked and thought she'd died so I tried to feel for a heartbeat. She woke up 45 seconds later and accused me of fondling her breasts while she was out. Apparently she has narcolepsy. FML

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By Jack - 1/2/2009 08:54 - United Kingdom

Today, I was playing with 3 kids I look after. The middle one has just learned about sex and started chanting that I had done it with the eldest as a joke. We were in the garden and the neighbours heard. Now I am fired, have to leave the house and am being investigated by the police. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2011 23:19 - United States

Today, my landlord told me he is raising my rent next month. I thought he was kidding until he asked if I still wanted to live here. My landlord is also my live-in boyfriend. FML

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By Holy Testacles - 17/10/2012 04:45 - United States

Today, a cute girl sitting next to me asked if she could use my phone. As I handed it to her, I attempted to use the expression "knock yourself out," but for a reason I can still not fathom, it came out as "kill yourself." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2019 04:00

Wakey Wakey!

Today, my girlfriend woke me up by punching me in the balls. It’s OK, I didn’t want kids anyway. FML

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By FMLTIMESTWO - 10/6/2009 04:36 - United States

Today, I found a dead bird on my windshield. Thinking I was clever, I turned on my windshield wipers to get the bird off. Unfortunately, the dead bird fell through my open window and onto my lap. FML

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By carmelita - 16/7/2009 15:09 - Singapore

Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend. A while later I forgot about it and started digging my nose vigorously. He then beeped me and said "Digging for gold, dear? " FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2011 09:26 - United States

Today, I acted like I always do when I'm alone in my seemingly sound-proof apartment. I sang loudly, talked back to the TV, used my vibrator. Later, in the silence of the night, I heard my neighbor next door YAWNING. FML

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By disgusted - 25/9/2014 04:03 - United States - East Waterboro

Today, while working as a teacher at a daycare, a two year-old girl decided the best way to share that she had pooped was to reach in her diaper and attempt to hand some to me. FML

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By catcraze - 20/5/2013 23:23 - United States - Denver

Today, I got a new cat. It was fine for a couple of hours until it gave birth in my kitchen. The seller claims to have no idea that it was pregnant. Now I have to take care of 7 cats instead of 2. FML

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By Pissy pants - 24/11/2018 13:30

Today, I had a horrible headache on my way home from lunch. I pulled over and vomited so forcefully I peed my pants, a lot. I had pee in my shoes. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2012 05:04

Today, I caught my boyfriend trying on my bra. He still has no excuse. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2012 22:15 - United Kingdom - Warwick

Today, my grandpa told my mom that he needs to rewrite his will soon. I jokingly said that I was going to be stinking rich when he passes away. He retorted that he's never forgiven me for rear-ending his car six years ago, and because of this, I'll never see a penny of his money. FML

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By masterofblues - 24/7/2009 04:18 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. As everything was ending, I tried to save the relationship by telling her how much I cared about her. Her response? "Please stop. You're gonna make me feel bad." FML

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By radioactiveglowinthedarkthing - 10/10/2011 19:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I took my friend with me for a radiology scan. While I was getting injections, my friend muttered, "On the bright side, if you die, you'll glow in the dark at the funeral." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2012 01:37 - United States - Lawrence

Today, my teenage daughter asked me if accents are hereditary. FML

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By Deconstructed - 19/5/2009 20:13 - United States

Today, my husband let me sleep in while he worked on the landscaping by our backyard pool. Ready for a shower, I stripped naked, opened the back door to let the dog out, and stepped out to ask him how it was going. Turns out he'd finally hired a landscaping crew. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2011 17:11 - United States

Today, I got a completely random boner at a coffee shop, five seconds before two attractive women asked me to stand up and take their picture. FML

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By gnofin - 22/3/2016 21:23 - United States

Today, I was walking out of a grocery store. I hit the button on my key to open the trunk, and the trunk lid hit an old lady just under her chin and knocked her to the ground. As she laid there, she pointed a shaky, bony finger at me and yelled that she would sue me for everything I have. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2014 15:37 - Australia

Today, my parents told me off for reading, as opposed to watching TV like the rest of the family, because it was "anti-social". FML

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By ihmmil - 18/1/2020 14:00

Belly Finger

Today, my husband was trying to be sexy. He asked me if I wanted to sit on his "Belly Finger"! Major mood kill. FML

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By workaholic - 15/2/2012 11:09 - United States

Today, while I was at work, my boyfriend decided to give my Cocker Spaniel a haircut. I now have the equivalent of an over-sized naked mole rat running around my house. FML

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By defectivesuperhero - 26/10/2018 13:30

Today, I couldn't get my car hood to open to check the fluids. A few miles down the highway, though, it popped right open. FML

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By drycleanplz - 21/6/2011 02:33 - Reserved

Today, I wore my expensive new white jacket to work, thinking it would be a nice change from my usual black. I managed to lean in printer ink. FML

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Top comments

By EffinWhosLife | 0

#100275 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:51

I hate the kind of parents that think their kids are so perfect, that they would never do anything wrong. If i were you, I would've slapped her and left. (I would slap my Aunt too, if she weren't family.)

By MooKee | 0

#100271 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:50

That's rude, you should have slapped her back!

XOhah

DID You at least get paid

Comments

By choppedNskrewed | 0

#100241 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:45

haha that sucks! how old is the kid?

it would have been even worse if the mom was hot and getting slapped by her turned you on.....

::first::

Reply

wintamint101 | 7

#1072948 - Thursday 8 July 2010 4:52

that's abuse and you should sue

Reply

gail254_fml | 0

#1168894 - Sunday 1 August 2010 2:05

Slap that bitch back!

Reply

mtl_gtrst1723 | 0

#1193053 - Thursday 5 August 2010 9:34

wow...that sucks. u should have told them off while leaving and then sue their asses

By bipolarchipmunk | 0

#100270 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:50

SLAP THAT BITCH BACK, RAT BASTARD MOTHERFUCKER DESERVES IT!

Reply

XxBlackamusPrime | 5

#1253514 - Monday 16 August 2010 19:34

Comment moderated

By MooKee | 0

#100271 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:50

That's rude, you should have slapped her back!

XOhah

DID You at least get paid

Reply

KiSsKiZzy | 0

#497373 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 23:22

Why did you put did in caps??? That's sooo annoying!

Reply

cadillacgal79 | 32

#6030696 - Friday 8 August 2014 1:22

To add emphasis you nincompoop

Reply

NickACD | 27

#6326764 - Sunday 21 June 2015 7:25

Dude don't add to it. Press charges for assaulting you.

By blue_mandie4 | 0

#100273 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:51

You should have told her that it was her kid and that you were never babysitting her kid again and you'll tell all the kids at your school the same thing. People need to hear the story first before they do anything rash. I hope you told her that it was her kid swearing.

Reply

countryb_cth | 38

#6204555 - Monday 16 February 2015 23:20

And if she is a minor she should for sure tell her parents what that lady did. It is completely unacceptable to slap someone elses child.
I cannot stand these parents who think their little angel can do no harm and blame everyone else.

By ow_fml | 0

#100274 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:50

Curb stomp the kid while he's on the ground imo.

Reply

PainInTheAsss | 16

#6657976 - Tuesday 26 July 2016 14:20

About to go American History X on this bitch!

By EffinWhosLife | 0

#100275 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:51

I hate the kind of parents that think their kids are so perfect, that they would never do anything wrong. If i were you, I would've slapped her and left. (I would slap my Aunt too, if she weren't family.)

By floatingdonut08 | 0

#100289 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:54

Yeah I agree.. what were the parents doing home if you were babysitting?

Reply

BtheBeast94 | 7

#3353754 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 5:11

That's what I'm wondering

Reply

BoriquaLove293 | 25

#6364557 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 20:23

I used to babysit for a stay at home/work from home mom that just wanted to be able to work in peace sometimes so she was there but I took care of them for a few hours

By twilax101 | 0

#100294 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:54

I call fake. If you were BABYSITTING, why were the parents home?

Reply

yeezuschrist420 | 11

#7661068 - Saturday 14 July 2018 4:09

Maybe they were doing chores and couldn’t keep an eye on their kid??

By shitfaece | 0

#100298 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:55

Doesn't anyone actually use words before resorting to physical acts?

By baseline | 0

#100306 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:58

I hope you delivered a backhand with furious vengeance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNdFN7_hbIQ