Miscellaneous: Today, I was at the pool, casually flirting with one of the lifeguards.... - FML

By Anonymous - 11/08/2009 08:58 - United States

Today, I was at the pool, casually flirting with one of the lifeguards. He said that he would gladly give me CPR, in the event that I needed it. I laughed and thanked him, stating that it was a sweet idea, even though I wouldn't be needing assistance. I then choked on my bottled water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 908

You deserved it 44 773

This Charming Man

Late term

Mama's boy

Alexa, play "Gigantic" by Pixies

By Anonymous - 04/03/2020 14:01 - United Kingdom

Today, my brother was officially diagnosed with gigantism. According to the specialist doctor, he'll probably be 8 feet tall, if not taller. Hearing this, my brother looked at me and said, "Remember when you used to pick on me for being smaller than you? Karma's a bitch, ain't it?" I’m so screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 610

You deserved it 2 066

By Ally - 27/09/2015 01:47 - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I wrote a song for my boyfriend on paper. The first thing he did was correct my grammar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 963

You deserved it 8 427

By MarsMayFall - 12/09/2016 09:56 - United States

Today, I was performing for a fairly large crowd with my band. I decided it would look cool to stand on one of the speakers and sing from there. It did look pretty cool for a bit until I tried to step off and fell face-first on the floor mid-song. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 779

You deserved it 6 623

By Jack - 10/01/2016 02:07 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, after dating my girlfriend for a while, I had a realization. She often says things like, "You're my favorite!" and scratches my beard, which I appreciated affectionately. Upon meeting her pets, it dawned on me that I am just another one of her cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 554

You deserved it 2 485

By Anonymous - 21/10/2018 16:00 - United States - Trenton

Today, I told my girlfriend I wanted to tell her something important. Coincidentally, she did too. She wanted to tell me that she thinks she's actually gay. I wanted to tell her I love her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 187

You deserved it 219

Squits

By fishtities - 07/04/2016 04:56 - United States - Dallas

Today, as a reward for starting to eating healthy, I got the squits at work. After going to the restroom, my stall didn't have toilet paper, the other two stalls didn't have any either. My boss definitely noticed too when he walked in on me with my pants around my ankles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 644

You deserved it 1 723

By Panda Man - 29/11/2018 08:30 - United States - Seattle

Today, I had a meeting with my girlfriend, who I live with and work with but on different teams. Both our teams got laid off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 871

You deserved it 127

By YouWish - 25/08/2016 03:57 - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, on my way to work, I was checking my hair in the semi-reflective window of an office building. I suddenly realized that the guy I had a one-night stand with last week was standing on the other side, looking confused. He now genuinely believes that I am stalking him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 320

You deserved it 1 650

By Lionman - 05/04/2012 05:11 - United States - Ann Arbor

Spicy

Today, during my first man-to-man conversation with my girlfriend's father, he decided to mention the details of lion mating patterns he'd once witnessed. After a lengthy description of the lion's barbed penis, he said, "It also made me feel better about myself that I could last longer than a lion." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 210

You deserved it 2 710

Alas, poor Stuart

By ShouldIHelpIt - 18/05/2016 02:46 - United States - Northampton

Today, I woke up to hear dripping water in the kitchen. Thinking it was someone getting a glass of water or something, I came out to find that it was just a mouse drowning in my dog's water bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 749

You deserved it 908

By missprude666 - 19/01/2012 08:32 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I had to sit through 10 minutes of hearing a man on the tram tell his friend in explicit detail about all the filthy sex acts he'd like to do to me. His friend told him to take a photo to jack off to later. When I tried to tell the tram driver, he told me to "take it as a compliment." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 031

You deserved it 4 478

By Username - 14/04/2011 06:59

Today, my boyfriend punched a hole in a door. This is on top of the broken handle, cracked sink top, dented fridge, and other holes in the wall he has also made. We are 4 months into our year lease. I don't think we are getting our $720 deposit back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 598

You deserved it 18 820

By reallyson? - 12/01/2015 05:28 - United States - South Hadley

Spicy

Today, I got undressed in front of my boyfriend for the first time. His reaction? "You're chubbier than I expected". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 374

You deserved it 4 716

By scared shitless in ohio - 25/09/2013 20:02 - United States - Dublin

Today, I decided to be friendly and say hi to the weird kid at school, who was sitting by himself eating lunch. After I said hello, he stared up at me intensely and said, "I don't have many friends. Yeah. Mainly 'cause I've eaten most of them." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 741

You deserved it 5 511

By Anonymous - 29/08/2015 23:01 - United States - Parkersburg

Spicy

Today, my brother said he was cleaning his room. When I walked in, he was giving my cousin a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 537

You deserved it 3 030

By Username - 23/03/2011 16:21 - United States

Today, I was playing with my dog. His bouncy ball rolled under the couch, and I got on my hands and knees to get it. He decided it would be a good chance to hump the shit out of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 835

You deserved it 11 748

By anonymous - 12/10/2010 03:06 - France

Today, I woke up to a broken window and 3 guys sitting in my living room watching TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 103

You deserved it 3 069

By Anonymous - 24/11/2015 13:17 - United States - Westborough

Spicy

Today, I was jerking off quietly so my roommates wouldn't hear me. In the middle of it, one of them sent me a screenshot of an error message on a porn site, asking if I was having the same problem. I guess I wasn't being so quiet after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 156

You deserved it 6 830

By wolf boy - 10/07/2011 00:13 - United States

Today, I went to the park with a girl I like. She got playful and climbed a tree, insisting I come up, too. While we were sitting and enjoying the view, she suddenly knocked me off the branch, sending me crashing to the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 405

You deserved it 6 140

By wearashirt - 04/12/2009 07:55 - United States

Today, I had to take a test that's required to pass the class. The test administor told us that those of us who were wearing hoodies would have to take them off. I would have taken mine off, but I was only wearing a bra underneath. There's no other days I can reschedule the test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 931

You deserved it 14 416

By efff my life. - 31/05/2011 02:58 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while I was driving her to a surprise party where I was going to propose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 028

You deserved it 4 279

By starboi - 20/12/2016 19:19 - United States - Weaver

Today, I heard a girl say, "Darth Vader is that black guy from Star Trek, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 459

You deserved it 1 308

By KeysToHappiness - 16/08/2015 12:39 - United States - Roseville

Today, I was kayaking with my family for my birthday, when we tipped over while going down a rocky cascade. My husband badly cut up his arm, and my car keys and my phone both went for a swim and never returned. Great birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 382

You deserved it 8 633

Call the Midwife-slash-Locksmith

By mama bear - 16/10/2019 18:00

Today, my one-year-old son locked me out of the house. I had no spare key and both him and my 4-month-old decided that was the perfect time to scream bloody murder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 390

You deserved it 303

By scaredofcutouts - 10/10/2012 21:44 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, my sister thought it would be funny to place a cardboard cut-out of a person at the foot of my bed. I woke up, saw the cut-out from the corner of my eye, fell out of bed, landed on my hand wrong, and broke two fingers. She got it all on video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 915

You deserved it 2 313

By short&stout - 26/08/2017 20:00

Today, I took the kids to the pool. I'm short and 20lbs overweight but they talked me into it and I put on a swimsuit for the first time in 10 years. As soon as we got there, a girl my height but a good 150lbs heavier said, "It's so nice to see another big girl in a two-piece!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 185

You deserved it 692

By pathetic - 29/05/2009 02:35 - Canada

Today, while getting ready for work I realized all my pants were getting a bit tight. When I got home from work I went in to the bathroom and stood on the scale which confirmed I have gained a few pounds. I then realized that I was eating while standing on the scale. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 043

You deserved it 59 235

By offended - 07/04/2009 06:15 - United States

Today, I was putting the finishing touches on my portrait of a young boy in art class. I asked my teacher if she could help correct the bad parts of my portrait. She said, "Well that would take all day and I just don't have the time." She was serious. I thought this was my best work yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 157

You deserved it 5 114

By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 16:19 - United Kingdom

Today, the highlight of my day was someone prank-calling me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 799

You deserved it 5 479

My 21st birthday

By Anonymous - 10/01/2020 14:00

Today, my parents took me to a bar to celebrate my 21st birthday. They brought my little brother, but when the bouncer wouldn't allow him in, they made me wait outside with him while they went in for drinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 175

You deserved it 518

By Anonymous - 09/03/2010 08:57 - United States

Today, my roommate confronted me about my eating disorder. She described in length how emaciated my chest has become and how she wants to help. Except I don't have an eating disorder. My sternum is deformed and I have only recently become confident enough to wear low-cut tops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 529

You deserved it 2 622

By SnowyConcussion - 23/12/2009 14:30 - United States

Today, after spending the past 4 days asking both my husband and my father-in-law to salt our sidewalk, I slipped on the ice. I hit my head on our concrete stairs. While holding ice on my head, my father-in-law pats my head and says "I'll go get some salt." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 848

You deserved it 9 001

By plzstop - 04/10/2016 11:03 - United States - West Lafayette

Today, I'm a college student. Just like every other goddamn day, my roommate set about twenty alarms a good two hours before she even needs to get up. She just sleeps through the first hour or so of alarms while I wake up. I've been waking up at 6 a.m., even though my first classes are at 9. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 14 493

You deserved it 1 332

Panic

By Danger Dave - 21/12/2020 04:58

Today, it's been almost 24 hours since my wife bent down and couldn't get back up. After laying in bed all day in agony with a bad back, an ambulance was called. She still currently can't stand in the hospital. I have two kids to look after and am supposed to be in work tomorrow. I have no idea what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 161

You deserved it 398

By skid kid - 10/03/2012 02:09 - Canada

Today, I angrily tweeted about having fruitlessly searched for over an hour for my car keys. Minutes later, some guy told me to check beneath the "stack of skid-marked underwear" on my bedroom floor. I'm not sure if it was a lucky guess, or if I should start carrying mace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 793

You deserved it 6 585

By gag reflex - 16/08/2014 16:03 - Australia - Burwood

Spicy

Today, while I was at the dentist, I couldn't stop gagging when he tried to put a tab in my mouth to get an x-ray. As I left, I overheard him saying, "I feel sorry for her boyfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 920

You deserved it 9 769

By - - 09/11/2010 00:38 - United States

Today, my daughter got engaged. Her fiancé is not only 25 years older than her, but was her teacher in middle school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 968

You deserved it 4 535

By Ugh - 15/11/2009 17:55 - United States

Today, I was really depressed so I talked on the phone with my best friend. She was telling me how a guy she really liked complimented her. I told her it was be nice to get at least one compliment. After a long silence she says, "You're really good with computers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 349

You deserved it 5 876

Dicks aplenty!

By pranksonpranks - 14/09/2020 17:02 - United States

Today, my sister and I have been in a prank war. She spammed my phone with dozens of random dick pics from the internet. My boyfriend saw and accused me of cheating. Now he won’t talk to me, and my sister won’t help me explain things. Guess she won. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 486

You deserved it 244

By ihateloopholes - 21/06/2015 20:42 - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I forbade a student in the writing seminar I instructed from continuing to present his disturbing poems about demons. He responded to this by convincing nearly every other student in the seminar to write and read out loud several of his poems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 938

You deserved it 8 564

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Tuesday 11 August 2009 16:18

Aw that's embarrassing. Hey sometimes I choke on my saliva :D.

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Tuesday 11 August 2009 16:07

lol

Comments

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Tuesday 11 August 2009 16:07

lol

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Tuesday 11 August 2009 17:53

Fucking boring.

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Tuesday 11 August 2009 18:09

Hurray for sluts from California.

lmmmr 0

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Tuesday 11 August 2009 18:33

What makes her a slut?

CFR 0

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Tuesday 11 August 2009 18:53

yes #34, enlighten us as to why the OP is a slut.

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Tuesday 11 August 2009 19:13

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Tuesday 11 August 2009 19:21

agree with 29. Once again, FML needs a 3rd option - "who cares?"

xjordanxjadedx 0

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Tuesday 11 August 2009 20:16

i effing hate the word 'cutely.' it is not in ANY WAY cute. at all. -.- how is this even an FML? maybe you're get that CPR after all, yeah?

xjordanxjadedx 0

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Tuesday 11 August 2009 20:19

*you'll. and YDI.

generalsmith2 0

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Tuesday 11 August 2009 21:14

nobody said cutely but you.

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Wednesday 12 August 2009 11:22

hurray

hellokittywhore 0

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Friday 5 February 2010 2:59

yeah #34 why the fuck does that make her a slut?? not all girls from Cali are sluts..... please ignore my screen name.

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Wednesday 17 February 2010 18:38

@105 u r a whore that i cant ignore

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Monday 29 November 2010 10:33

105 - win!! :D

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Sunday 5 February 2012 21:52

@56 Please read the fml again?

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Friday 27 July 2012 2:29

Gaha

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Monday 26 May 2014 16:51

Where does it say cutely? She said "casually" and that's it

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Tuesday 11 August 2009 16:09

poor girl. i hope he was cute

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Wednesday 12 August 2009 18:40

I'm sorry, I just don't get it. Why is this an FML? Nothing bad happened. Like, a cute lifeguard told you he'd give you CPR, that's awesome! Then, you choke.. oooh what's so bad about htat?

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Tuesday 11 August 2009 16:12

It was mean't to be, dum dum!

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Tuesday 11 August 2009 16:14

Maybe he made you do that with his telekinetic powers. But I really don't think you'd need CPR for inhaling a small amount of water. And I take it it was a small amount because you can't hold that much in your mouth at once. Probably not even enough to pass out from. Just cough and maybe puke for a while, and you're fine.

murderofcrows 0

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Tuesday 11 August 2009 16:14

LOL! That's funny. Haha

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Tuesday 11 August 2009 16:15

Hahahahahaha. This is funny.

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Tuesday 11 August 2009 16:17

LOL!

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Tuesday 11 August 2009 16:18

Aw that's embarrassing. Hey sometimes I choke on my saliva :D.

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Wednesday 12 August 2009 6:21

How in the hell is that possible #10?

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Monday 29 November 2010 16:49

if #10 or OP swallows the water & it goes down the wrong hole it's very possible ...

muffinlovexD 12

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Thursday 24 January 2013 6:18

Thanks for the little bit of information, #10

brrrx 0

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Tuesday 11 August 2009 16:18

At least you weren't "casually trying to bump into him."

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Tuesday 11 August 2009 16:21

this belongs to mylifeisaverage.com

Nearly

Today, I realized that I wore ripped jeand AND ripped boxers to work. Both ripped at the same place, in between the legs. The result was my looking down and seeing my dick halfway out of my trousers. I can't get up from my seat the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 17

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 18

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 673

You deserved it 147

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 407

You deserved it 101