By Anonymous

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

Today, I had a bad and very unenthusiastic one night stand and tried to quietly order an Uber while she was getting dressed. Turns out, she's an Uber driver and being as she was in the area, the alert came over her phone. She was furious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1698

You deserved it

838

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Instadrama

Dangling modifier

By Anonymous

Pick your moments, dude!

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a romantic night. As we were having sex, he decided to say, "Look mom, no hands!" and it totally ruined the mood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1760

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299

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By back to cock-hunting - Canada - Burnaby

Today, on our second date, the unemployed guy I'm seeing tried to convince me to open a joint bank account in our name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36986

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4995

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By Whoops - United States

Today, I discovered the guy that sits next to me in class is actually a girl. Not only is that bad, but we had to write a paper about each other. I used the words "him" and "he", and read it to the whole class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29213

You deserved it

42232

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By robbed - United States

Today, I was walking through my house when I saw a strange man sitting on my couch. I asked him who he was and he said he was a friend of my mom's. He told me to join him and when I sat down, he punched me in the face and stole my cell phone, wallet, and car keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62151

You deserved it

24294

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By Mcwifi - United States - Elmhurst

Today, traffic was so bad that I was able to connect to the WiFi of a nearby McDonald's and successfully listen to a 30-minute podcast. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22789

You deserved it

1431

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By Anonymous

Today, at work, a table of girls complained to the manager about me. The complaint? "He's not hot enough to work here. We want a sexy server." The manager agreed with them and sent me home. I might lose my job because of a table of shallow women. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3544

You deserved it

178

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got up at 8am and didn't take a shower so I could hear the postman at the door. He never came. I stink. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19521

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74859

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By UnluckyTh1rteen - 27/8/2020 14:19 - United States - New York

Just a friend

Today, my boyfriend went to get coffee with a friend. As a joke, I texted him to ask how his date with his other girlfriend was going. It really was a date, and apparently it went very well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1680

You deserved it

175

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By dvddtraveller - United States - Oakland

Today, I went to the local clinic and I met a really cute guy. We hit it off quite well, and he asked me out. It's like The Fault in Our Stars, but instead of cancer, we have STDs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21684

You deserved it

7352

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my parents are getting divorced. They're fighting over the dog instead of my sister and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46846

You deserved it

3918

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, my dad got me a GPS for my birthday. I appreciate the sentiment, but I don't have a permit or a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43400

You deserved it

3679

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By jusfonzin - United States

Today, I sent a cover letter to a potential employer. In the letter, I talked about my great attention to detail, my strong ability to focus, and my stellar writing skills. After hitting send, I reread the letter and noticed that I typed my name "B-R-A-I-N." My name is Brian. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16865

You deserved it

55999

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By Chris - 12/3/2021 20:01

NFT FML

Today, I'm still trying to get my head around what NFTs are, even though my friend walked me through the whole thing during an hour-long conversation. I guess I'm dumb. FML

I agree, your life sucks

530

You deserved it

131

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By FMyBrain - United States - Fairbanks

Today, my brain decided to go into suicide mode. So far I've managed to open a fridge door into my face, walk balls-first into the corner of a table, and sliced my finger while trying to cut open some thick plastic packaging with scissors. I'll probably be dead by the time this is posted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52403

You deserved it

6017

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By elmangy - United States

Today, I went ice skating for my friend's birthday. We had to vacate the skating rink so that they could smooth out the rink for the next session. I don't know how to skate and my friends left me. Not only was I the last one out of the rink, but I had to crawl my way out with everyone laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44713

You deserved it

5951

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By Fuckedupmom

Ghost Shoes

Today, my 3-year-old daughter has been crying non-stop for an hour because she wants to take off her black shoes. She's not wearing any. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2700

You deserved it

203

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By Anon - United Kingdom

Today, I invited my very animal phobic boyfriend over. I have a dog and a rabbit, who are always well behaved so I insisted they wouldn't do him any harm. My dog peed all over his shoes and my rabbit furiously humped his leg and wouldn't let go. He's now even more terrified of animals. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32612

You deserved it

12120

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By Anonymous

Today, years after I stepped on a nail and had the wound stitched, I got an X-ray. I've had serious trouble walking, and it turns out I had 2.5 inches of nail living in the sole of my foot, stabbing up into my ankle joint. I now need major surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2787

You deserved it

206

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to bribe my cousin with Monster Energy Drinks and Halo 5 so he wouldn't tell my mom I snuck out to meet a boy. I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22266

You deserved it

8464

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By Chicagoillinois - United States - San Francisco

Today, my step-dad explained to me why he doesn't need to wash his body. He condescendingly said, "Well when you shampoo your hair, the soap runs down your body and cleans everything." He's 37 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33668

You deserved it

2908

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By xXshitface4uXx - New Zealand - Rotorua

Today, my dad asked me how I would feel about going on an all-expenses-paid, month-long holiday to the Caribbean. I was ecstatic and broke into tears of joy, saying I'd love it. He replied, "Yeah, me too. Shame it ain't happening!" then left for work, laughing his arse off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47745

You deserved it

9077

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By Anonymous - United States - Erie

Today, I had a family get-together for my birthday. I got to watch all my family members get piss-drunk and argue over who's having the worst time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41985

You deserved it

3534

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By PhantomKitty - United States - Saint Albans

Today, I called in about a job application I put in over a week ago. Apparently, the branch of the company that I applied to was never given my information, and the position was filled days ago. I've been checking the status of the position online daily, and it still says that it's open. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11170

You deserved it

895

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By dirk855 - United States

Today, I crashed into a ditch on my way home from work. I had to walk 2 miles in -25 below zero weather before I could pick up a cell phone signal to call a tow truck. When I got back to my car, a cop was waiting for me with a ticket for leaving the scene of an accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28358

You deserved it

2317

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By Sarah - United States

Today, my manager bailed on me during the afternoon rush; swamped and distracted, I cut off the pad of my thumb in a cheese slicer. Some clinic hours later I returned, hungry and sick with blood loss, to sign WC papers. Manager's only words: "You're staying late to cover your long break, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

58763

You deserved it

3021

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By ash - United States

Today, was my boyfriends last night visiting my family. My dog decided to go through the trash, then ran up to my dad with one of our used condoms caught on her teeth. My parents didn't even know we were sleeping in the same room. They know a lot more now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30790

You deserved it

14751

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By Anonymous - United States - Kenosha

Today, I started a new job. The synopsis of my training was, "You're starting a job you're going to hate and you'll be fired for entertaining yourself while waiting for us to give you more work. But you're going to love being here." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14433

You deserved it

1893

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By Tris

Talk is cheap

Today, my co-workers keep making fun of me because I said, “You’re very so welcome.” They say it's not proper grammar, but honestly I can’t find anything that says I’m wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

543

You deserved it

1965

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Today, I had to go meet my professor at 12. I wound up showing up almost an hour late. Why? Because she doesn't teach at the campus I registered at. I wound up having to visit TWO different campuses before I reached the right one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2147

You deserved it

440

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By single now - United States

Today, a friend of mine sent me a message saying, "Man, I am so sorry but we were both really drunk and I swear it didn't mean anything." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29326

You deserved it

4287

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By umm...no - United States - Keller

Today, I answered a call from a customer. She expected me to exchange her item without her actually having to go to one of our 800+ stores. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9818

You deserved it

735

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By whiteboyfresh69 - United States

She likes it!

Today, while sleeping off my hangover, my niece asked me to get her a drink. I gave her a beer, I didn't notice it until it was gone. She is only 6 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

665

You deserved it

3445

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my coach held a BBQ for the whole team. He told us to eat up, because we wouldn't be working out today. He lied. After eating the equivalent of a Thanksgiving dinner, we had to do team relays. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39290

You deserved it

4836

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By loserr - United States - Highland Park

Today, I made myself a hot pocket for lunch. I managed to scald myself on the red-hot cheese, and at the same time bite into the center, which was somehow still frozen solid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38977

You deserved it

7132

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2021 14:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Cabin fever

Today, the only thing more unbearable than lockdown is lockdown with sloppy roommates, who do nothing but complain about each other behind their backs to me, and also bring up past events like a broken record. FML

I agree, your life sucks

715

You deserved it

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By klutz - United States - Woburn

Today, I broke my fifth bone in three years. While I'd like say that they've all been scary, athletic injuries, most have been from attempting to do things as mundane as walking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7477

You deserved it

853

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after being laid off for over a year, I got turned down for an unpaid internship. I can't even get people to let me work for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34231

You deserved it

3503

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, the family upstairs decided to play basketball. Indoors. At 3am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44871

You deserved it

3105

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2020 14:01

Venmo me

Today, my mother-in-law called to find out how the first week of school went for the kids. She spent most of the call complaining about her husband. I'd like to send her a bill for her trying to use me as a therapist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1121

You deserved it

194

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By italy1986 - United States

Today, I got 20% tints on my car. As I'm driving home, a cop pulls me over. I didn't want to ruin my new tint by opening my window, so I opened my door as the cop approached. He then pulled out his gun and yelled "GET ON THE FUCKING GROUND!" before I could explain. FML

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42538

You deserved it

58151

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Top comments

By 008GGG | 14

#7852474 - Saturday 19 October 2019 19:40

I could be mistaken, so someone please correct me if I am... but don’t Uber drivers have to check in and be online if they are “on the clock” and available to drive? Why would your date have been online at that point in time?

By timinator5000 | 28

#7852487 - Saturday 19 October 2019 20:47

Well considering she was already online and accepting ride requests, I think it's safe to say neither one of you had a good time.

COMMENTS

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7852456 - Saturday 19 October 2019 19:05

I think you acted like a chicken. You should have just told her the truth, that the date was unenthusiastic and you don’t think you 2 would be a couple. She might not be happy about it. But it’s better then running away.

By 008GGG | 14

#7852474 - Saturday 19 October 2019 19:40

Sagar Nair | 11

#7852510 - Saturday 19 October 2019 22:50

Yeah you have to be online in order to get rides. Most likely she went online right before she got ready and was planning on making some bucks.

By Kennethtaylor377 | 12

#7852478 - Saturday 19 October 2019 20:01

But did she drive you home? lol

By RichardPencil | 30

#7852485 - Saturday 19 October 2019 20:35

I'm sure that ride home was...

...wait on it..,

Uber-awkward.

How many stars did you give her, and which ride did you rate?

By timinator5000 | 28

#7852487 - Saturday 19 October 2019 20:47

Well considering she was already online and accepting ride requests, I think it's safe to say neither one of you had a good time.

By lj2000 | 5

#7852497 - Saturday 19 October 2019 21:51

Always drive to the one night stand so you can run when she’s crazy. These hoes can’t he trusted.

By bosniangirl27 | 21

#7852536 - Sunday 20 October 2019 1:35

She can’t be mad at that because for her to get the notification she would have to been online. Thats how she got the notification. So she was looking to leave too

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7852549 - Sunday 20 October 2019 3:44

Why? She was logged on to take jobs.

By mas12806 | 22

#7852556 - Sunday 20 October 2019 5:26

Since she was getting dressed, you had finished. What exactly did she expect afterwards?

By Sheila Deville | 15

#7852565 - Sunday 20 October 2019 7:44

it is far better to lay with one person 1000 times than it is to lay with 1000 people once, this and many other scenarios are the proof of truth in that statement