By Anonymous

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

Today, I had a bad and very unenthusiastic one night stand and tried to quietly order an Uber while she was getting dressed. Turns out, she's an Uber driver and being as she was in the area, the alert came over her phone. She was furious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1685

You deserved it

826

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Not now!

Great quality control

Tasty!

By gringa_Peru - Peru

Today, I had the good fortune of finding a seat on the bus, not the norm in Peru. Several minutes after sitting down, I felt something on my shoulder. Thinking it was a hand, I turned my head to look. I came face to face with a dirty man's crotch, it was his erection resting on my shoulder. FML

I agree, your life sucks

169671

You deserved it

9820

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By Anonymous

Corolla Conspiracy

Today, I was talking to one of the advisors at my job about how almost everyone in the workplace who owns a Toyota has strangely been in some sort of car accident in the last year. I happen to have a Toyota. Guess who was rear-ended at an intersection after leaving work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3930

You deserved it

500

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By Anonymous - Romania

Today, I overheard a conversation between my boyfriend and his best friend about how to shave one's nuts completely. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33721

You deserved it

9093

Favorite

By Lebac - United States - Burlington

Today, I went to feed my neighbors' chickens while they were on vacation. I noticed the TV on inside, so I peeked in to see if the place was being messed with. Guess who found the neighbor home early, fully naked, and jerking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35608

You deserved it

4029

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By Anonymous - Estonia - Tallinn

Same

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets more pleasure out of using a Q-tip than he does having sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38812

You deserved it

6045

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By faza4327 - Australia

Today, I was on my way home on my bike when a lady in a 4WD cut me off while beeping her horn and calling me a "stupid f**ker who should get a proper education." In her car, she was smoking, and her three children weren't wearing seat belts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41365

You deserved it

3525

Favorite

By anonymous - United States

Today, I was opening up to my close friend about my low self esteem. To make me feel better, he told me that he gets a boner whenever he walks behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25162

You deserved it

7512

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took a major test, worth half my grade, not realizing that there were questions on the back of the sheet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23789

You deserved it

38499

Favorite

By Meagan Ortiz - 16/8/2020 23:02

Wardrobe change please

Today, I choked on water so hard that I threw up and shat myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1441

You deserved it

215

Favorite

By Classy Broad

Today, I learned that my hair color is classified as "Buttered Toast". FML

I agree, your life sucks

1290

You deserved it

265

Favorite

By 1234567898765432 - Canada

Today, I was going to a stoplight party. Green shirt=single, yellow=hard to get and red=taken. I show up wearing a red shirt and I see my boyfriend in a green shirt. Thinking it was a mistake, I ask him jokingly why he isn't wearing red. He looks at me weird and says, "Oh, you didn't get my text?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

113004

You deserved it

6054

Favorite

By Gracie-Ann - United States - Portland

Today, my fiancé paid a visit to my parents so he could ask my dad's permission to marry me. My dad responded with, "Why buy the cow when you can milk it for free?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

56567

You deserved it

4787

Favorite

By madaskueuchiha - United States

Today, I got a call from my parents' divorce lawyer. When I answered the phone, she thought I was my mother and told me the details about my parent's divorce. I'm a 13-year-old boy who sounds like a woman and just learned that my parents are separating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68685

You deserved it

3867

Favorite

By smellybelly - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years kept digging around in his belly button and smelling his fingers. At one point he shoved his fingers in my face and told me to smell his belly button. He's 27 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25117

You deserved it

4483

Favorite

By oliver - United States

Today, I woke up with a pounding headache. My wife tells me that last night I woke up from a nightmare, screaming, tried to run away and knocked myself out running headfirst into the bedroom wall. So she put me back to bed and went back to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22405

You deserved it

2228

Favorite

By j_Lauren - United States

Today, my mom had the option of choosing anywhere in the world where we could go on vacation. We live in the USA and she chose to fly to Texas, rent an RV, and drive to Florida. Anywhere in the world. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37487

You deserved it

3294

Favorite

By kitkat - United States

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend. He said it was because he lived 2 hours away, but I think the ultrasound photos his other girlfriend posted proudly on his Facebook wall are the real reason. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48243

You deserved it

4423

Favorite

By anonymous - United States

Today, I was dragged to the food store with my mom. While we were shopping, the fire alarm went off. My mom pushed the cart at me, nearly knocking me over, and sprinted for the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31213

You deserved it

2617

Favorite

By "pixie_pix13" - 7/12/2019 03:00

Back to work

Today, I came back to work after being out for a week. As I walked to the back of the store I threw my hands up and yelled "I'm back bitches". Right after I said it, I noticed my boss was behind me. I was then taken to the office and wrote up for foul language on my first day back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

863

You deserved it

2606

Favorite

By Anonymous

Testimony night

Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love. I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2728

You deserved it

457

Favorite

By Ashley - United States - Belmont

Today, a friend thought it would be funny to shove me over; I faceplanted. I was going to say "F*ck you" and "I will kill you". It came out as "I will f*ck you." He's still laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48182

You deserved it

8005

Favorite

By HellaBomber91 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of two months broke up with me because she said I remind her too much of her first boyfriend and it creeps her out. I've checked with all of her friends and family. I am her first boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38626

You deserved it

3243

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By Username - United States

Today, I grabbed my t-shirt off the floor beside the bed and got up to walk my boyfriends dog. After several trips around the block and plenty of strange looks I got back upstairs and saw the used condom stuck to my sleeve from the night before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17419

You deserved it

46090

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By Anon - United States

Today, while at work I passed out due to my blood sugar not being normal. Despite the fact that it took 10 minutes to wake me, no one thought I was in any sort of danger. After the episode, I then got fired for "sleeping on the job." FML

I agree, your life sucks

46085

You deserved it

2936

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By justanothergamergirl

Today, and for the past 2 weeks, I decided to try online gaming, as it's something I've never done before. I already have a creep stalking me because I mentioned I was single and he is a horny virgin. Remind me never to talk about my lack of love life online again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1725

You deserved it

1104

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, while bringing my baby an early-morning bottle, I tripped over a ball and fell into the glass coffee table, smashing it and cutting myself pretty badly. My husband slept through the whole thing, but the neighbors came by to tell me to keep it down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3727

You deserved it

248

Favorite

By tired individual - United States - Dickson

Today, trying to get some much needed rest, I heard my neighbors fighting loudly. When they finally quit, they left a DVD on, directly behind my wall: Spongebob, with the menu tune on loop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47097

You deserved it

3831

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while bending over to get the brownies I was making out of the oven, my husband slapped my butt. I fell into the oven. FML

I agree, your life sucks

80579

You deserved it

6402

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my daughter has a hit list. There are over thirty names on there. My name is on it as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26239

You deserved it

3812

Favorite

By starstruck - France

Today, I misplaced my wallet. Fortunately, I knew exactly where it was. Unfortunately, I had just taken out the only form of picture ID that morning. I couldn't stop the finders from laughing as they saw my fake celebrity entertainment ID while I tried to convince them it was actually my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9324

You deserved it

17959

Favorite

By LNamesOnly - Australia

Today, I spoke to my hormonal pregnant wife about baby names. I told her I liked the name "Tabitha", and she went into a full rage about how all letters have textures, colours and emotions and how T is an evil letter. Apparently it's orange, plastic, and a needle trying to stab her eyes out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31542

You deserved it

4161

Favorite

By northernlass - United States

Today, I boarded a trans-Atlantic flight by myself, and struck up a nice conversation with the passenger across the aisle. Before we even took off, the man in front of me unbuckled, stood to face me, and asked me to please shut the hell up. "It's a 9 hour flight, and you're VERY loud!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

13334

You deserved it

36526

Favorite

By Anonymous - 16/5/2020 17:00

Time don't heal nothing

Today, I was sitting in my garden with my younger sister when she told me that she'd found pictures of me from a decade ago. She also told me that I've changed a lot over the years, because back then I was still pretty. My neighbours overheard it and started laughing out loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1647

You deserved it

167

Favorite

By ohshat - United States

Today, I was on Facebook chat with my boss, talking about holiday hours. I had to go to my doctor's appointment, so I said, "G2G, love you" accidentally. Not only did he say it back, but he also requested a relationship with me on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34873

You deserved it

12954

Favorite

By lax22 - United States - San Francisco

Today, 30 minutes after finishing a great date with a great girl, she texted me and said, "Yeah, uh, never come near me again." FML

I agree, your life sucks

47495

You deserved it

6105

Favorite

By funnyERstory - United States - Houston

Today, I got my dick sucked. Unfortunately, it was by the vacuum nozzle my cousin stuck down my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11795

You deserved it

1520

Favorite

By watchmaker - United Kingdom

Today, since I had no lessons until 1pm, I decided to head out to the store to run errands. Our school has a strict policy against leaving the campus during school hours. I returned to a fire drill taking place. The fire assembly point? The student parking lot. All 900 students watched me drive in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11044

You deserved it

35784

Favorite

By dumbasdogshit - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, I discovered that when a cyclist tears down the street, slaps you across the face as he passes, looks back laughing and flips you off, then crashes into a lamppost, he'll still blame you and threaten to sue, even after you rush over to check his injuries. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36650

You deserved it

2529

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working my job as a waitress near my college. I handed a customer her check, and she noticed that I had added her bill wrong. I apologized, and she pointed to my "student" labeled nametag, asking what I was studying. I said English. I'm a math major. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15043

You deserved it

46888

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - New Ulm

Today, my blind date turned out to be my gynecologist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53721

You deserved it

4598

Favorite

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Top comments

By 008GGG | 14

#7852474 - Saturday 19 October 2019 19:40

I could be mistaken, so someone please correct me if I am... but don’t Uber drivers have to check in and be online if they are “on the clock” and available to drive? Why would your date have been online at that point in time?

By timinator5000 | 28

#7852487 - Saturday 19 October 2019 20:47

Well considering she was already online and accepting ride requests, I think it's safe to say neither one of you had a good time.

COMMENTS

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7852456 - Saturday 19 October 2019 19:05

I think you acted like a chicken. You should have just told her the truth, that the date was unenthusiastic and you don’t think you 2 would be a couple. She might not be happy about it. But it’s better then running away.

By 008GGG | 14

#7852474 - Saturday 19 October 2019 19:40

Sagar Nair | 11

#7852510 - Saturday 19 October 2019 22:50

Yeah you have to be online in order to get rides. Most likely she went online right before she got ready and was planning on making some bucks.

By Kennethtaylor377 | 12

#7852478 - Saturday 19 October 2019 20:01

But did she drive you home? lol

By RichardPencil | 28

#7852485 - Saturday 19 October 2019 20:35

I'm sure that ride home was...

...wait on it..,

Uber-awkward.

How many stars did you give her, and which ride did you rate?

By timinator5000 | 28

#7852487 - Saturday 19 October 2019 20:47

Well considering she was already online and accepting ride requests, I think it's safe to say neither one of you had a good time.

By lj2000 | 5

#7852497 - Saturday 19 October 2019 21:51

Always drive to the one night stand so you can run when she’s crazy. These hoes can’t he trusted.

By bosniangirl27 | 21

#7852536 - Sunday 20 October 2019 1:35

She can’t be mad at that because for her to get the notification she would have to been online. Thats how she got the notification. So she was looking to leave too

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7852549 - Sunday 20 October 2019 3:44

Why? She was logged on to take jobs.

By mas12806 | 21

#7852556 - Sunday 20 October 2019 5:26

Since she was getting dressed, you had finished. What exactly did she expect afterwards?

By Sheila Deville | 15

#7852565 - Sunday 20 October 2019 7:44

it is far better to lay with one person 1000 times than it is to lay with 1000 people once, this and many other scenarios are the proof of truth in that statement