By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 18:00

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

Today, I had a bad and very unenthusiastic one night stand and tried to quietly order an Uber while she was getting dressed. Turns out, she's an Uber driver and being as she was in the area, the alert came over her phone. She was furious. FML

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Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Fairytale ending

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By Mortified - 24/2/2017 20:00 - United States

Today, I attended my girlfriend's mother's wake. When I walked up the three-step platform the casket was on, I tripped, fell over the edge of the casket, and head-butted her mother's corpse. The adhesive holding one of her eyes came undone. FML

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By XxDanno316xX - 8/8/2010 14:52 - United States

Today, I was training a new person. The job included driving around the city all day, during which she decided to hang her head out the window and bark like a dog. I spent an 8 hour shift with her. FML

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By AOart1st - 21/11/2014 03:25 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was rock climbing. I had my equipment on and I saw a really cute girl. I went for the hardest climb in the gym, and while jumping up to grab the rock, I simultaneously farted, missed the rock, fell to the mat and broke my arm in the process. FML

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By Mike - 21/2/2009 22:24 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, and she asked me if I ever get made fun of in the locker room for my small penis. FML

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By overundereducated - 13/3/2020 18:00

The Birmingham School of Business School

Today, I found out that my stick figure drawing passed as homework during my doctoral level seminar. I'm paying over two thousand dollars for this course. FML

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By thedeerman - 17/9/2011 04:39 - United States

Today, I found out my wife and three daughters all have their period on seperate weeks. I now have no break from yelling. FML

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By a-mishunderstanding - 8/8/2011 04:07

Today, I was working in costume at a recreation of a Confederation-era town. I had to convince a visitor that it's not, in fact, an Amish village, and we do actually leave after five. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2020 03:30

Superanty Man

Today, I met my father-in-law for the first time. He went on a big rant how men are superior intellects and women contribute nothing to society. Ironic, as it took me, a woman, 30 seconds to notice it's biologically impossible for him to be my husband's father. After 33 years, both he and my husband haven't figured it out. FML

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By HotCurry - 5/9/2009 04:57 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, her grandma, and I were leaving her house to eat lunch. I stubbed my toe on the door while exiting. It hurt, so I stood there shortly in pain. I heard my girlfriend's grandma call me a "pansy". I later saw blood and took off my shoe. My whole toenail had come off of my big toe. FML

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By anonymous - 2/7/2013 21:08 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I got shut in the walk-in freezer at work. I started banging on the door. My boss wouldn't come and open it because she didn't "play games". She thought I was kidding. FML

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By buckley456 - 28/5/2012 03:33 - United States - Glenolden

Today, my remote control airplane arrived in the mail. I was super excited, so naturally I took it outside for its first flight. It now resides at the top of the tallest tree in sight. FML

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By Bubbah - 15/3/2009 04:32 - United States

Today, I was working my job as the person who checks people in at the gym. A sweaty chubby woman came up to me complaining about how our staff seems so fit. I replied with "we like to hire people who have bodies that motivate our clients!" She gave a blank stare, then said "so how did you get the job?" FML

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By Noname - 21/1/2009 12:36 - Canada

Today, I woke up with this terrible toothache and called my mother for a lift to the dentist. This super-dentist-chick enters in and says: "Nice to meet you, your mother just told me you're afraid of dentists?" I'm 29. FML

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By blck - 1/1/2009 02:53 - United States

Today, my girlfriend tried to clean out the fireplace with a vacuum cleaner, she sucked up a bunch of embers which set the vacuum on fire. After a crying for a bit, she went back to finish cleaning up only to find that some embers she dumped in a bucket melted through and set part of the carpet on fire. FML

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By save the koalas? uhh - 8/4/2013 14:08 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, our guest lecturer told us to imagine 25,000 dead koalas in our lecture theatre, and if that didn't make us emotional then we didn't care about them. She then went on a rant, during which she encouraged us to join the "koala army". FML

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By rj93 - 5/11/2011 13:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I learned if you dream you're having a piss, you most likely are having a piss. FML

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By Alliente - 17/7/2012 21:11 - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend. He won't go on a cruise with me in the gulf of Mexico, because he thinks we will crash into an iceberg like in Titanic. FML

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By Charlie8u347 - 29/12/2010 20:26 - United States

Today, I was told to shovel four inches of snow from my driveway. I had to get the snow shovel from the rafters of my garage, and there were other tools with it. As I was yanking the shovel down, a pickax fell and smashed through the back window of my dad's Buick. FML

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By klala - 8/2/2012 14:07 - Reserved

Today, my boss asked me if I could work on Valentine's Day because there was no chance of me having a date. She's right. FML

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By Username - 8/7/2011 06:12 - United States

Today, I overheard my boyfriend telling his friends about how great the sex was last night, and how he loves to "make a bitch bend over". We've been dating for 3 years, and haven't made love in several weeks. FML

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By peacock_mina19 - 11/2/2009 00:08 - United States

Today, my mother and I got into a huge fight about me being a lesbian. It ended with me saying "Fuck you!" to which she responded: "I bet you'd probably like to." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2014 17:44 - Netherlands - Haarlem

Today, my husband and I broke the news that I'm pregnant. Our 8-year-old son's reactions so far have been crying inconsolably, trying to punch me in the stomach, and swearing that he won't let me give him a brother or sister. FML

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By a manly woman? - 9/2/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, a girl entered the public washroom I was washing my hands in. When she saw me, she stopped dead in her tracks. I then saw her go to the door to make sure she was actually in the girl's washroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2020 08:09

What did I do?

Today, 48 hours after my boyfriend introduced me to his friend group so I could make new friends and I'd joined their group chat, two long-term couples have broken up and left without any explanation. FML

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By Mdrk783 - 2/9/2009 08:41 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a co-worker who I really liked. One thing led to another and we ended up going to her house and hooked up. Once we'd finished, I noticed another co-workers ID on the floor by her bed. I asked her about it and she said he must have dropped it there last night. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2014 15:19 - United States - Wichita Falls

Today, my professor told everyone that he thinks all med students should be required to get a catheter and an enema at least once in their lives so they can relate to their patients, saying, "Gentlemen, it might change your lives." FML

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By notnicefools - 29/5/2012 02:51 - United States - San Diego

Today, I went to visit my husband's grave. I was unable to mourn in peace because some teenagers were smoking pot and talking about a government conspiracy "to change the way gravity works" on the next grave over. FML

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39456

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By anonymous_0505 - 6/11/2010 17:24 - Russian Federation

Today, my boyfriend ditched me, saying he had some important things to do. When I checked on him a while later, I found out what was so "important". A game called Robot Unicorn Attack. FML

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By ChickenBallsPlease - 28/1/2014 11:16 - United Kingdom - King's Lynn

Today, I was eating at a Chinese restaurant, when I stopped the waitress to tell her that even though I am of Chinese heritage, I can't understand a word of Chinese. After an awkward silence, she told me she was actually speaking English. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2010 00:42 - United States

Today, I received a marriage proposal at work from a 70 year old man covered in dirt from head to toe, who offered to be my "sugar daddy." I guess I have options after all. FML

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By newcomer - 12/4/2017 05:00 - Canada - Kingston

Today, to treat the family, I cooked something nice in appreciation for sticking it out over the past few tough months. Unfortunately, I chose this one day to not wear my oven mitts when carrying the food to the table, spilling the food all over the carpeted floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2011 09:35 - Australia

Today, I was in the shower 'grooming' myself for my second anniversary with my boyfriend. Halfway through the hot water ran out. I now have the choice of going with the low 'half-fro' or risking hypothermia. My boyfriend thinks hypothermia would be the better option. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 21:41 - United States

Today, I experienced the most intense pain I have ever had in my life. I was eating blueberries when my sister made a comment which sent me into hysterics. The force of having a bullet-like berry violently shoot out your nostril is more painful than it sounds. FML

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By you+me-clothes=53>< - 19/11/2013 17:13 - Austria - Vienna

Today, my boyfriend went down on me. I don't know why, but my mind wandered. He now thinks that he has the skills of a porn star, while I'm pretty sure that finally solving a mathematical problem I've been working on for a week caused me to orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2011 23:36 - United Kingdom

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend told me he was too busy studying for finals, but that he'd take me out another day instead. He later drunk-dialled me from a party demanding a lift back home. FML

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By Anon - 13/12/2009 07:36 - United States

Today, the girl I had a crush on for the past few months called me and wanted to tell me something. Excited, I agreed and we went out to dinner. She wanted to tell me she had been secretly seeing 'someone' for the past six months. FML

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By grreeatttt - 31/1/2009 01:57 - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I called him around two minutes after that, and he had already fallen asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2011 19:43 - United States

Today, I'd just finished cleaning the bathrooms at work when I saw a young boy go in. Of course, I thought nothing of it until I had to use the bathroom myself ten minutes later. The kid had taken a shit and missed the toilet completely. FML

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By Username - 13/5/2011 08:13

Today, I was driving along when the car in front of me ran over an animal. I only realised this when a chunk of flesh and blood landed on my windscreen. I put my wipers on to get rid of it but instead it got stuck underneath the wipers and smeared all over the screen. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2020 02:01

Spineless

Today, after weeks of thinking about how to ask my crush out, I finally was ready to message her on Instagram, only to find out that she unfollowed me after watching my last story. FML

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Top comments

By 008GGG | 14

#7852474 - Saturday 19 October 2019 19:40

I could be mistaken, so someone please correct me if I am... but don’t Uber drivers have to check in and be online if they are “on the clock” and available to drive? Why would your date have been online at that point in time?

By timinator5000 | 28

#7852487 - Saturday 19 October 2019 20:47

Well considering she was already online and accepting ride requests, I think it's safe to say neither one of you had a good time.

COMMENTS

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7852456 - Saturday 19 October 2019 19:05

I think you acted like a chicken. You should have just told her the truth, that the date was unenthusiastic and you don’t think you 2 would be a couple. She might not be happy about it. But it’s better then running away.

By 008GGG | 14

#7852474 - Saturday 19 October 2019 19:40

Sagar Nair | 11

#7852510 - Saturday 19 October 2019 22:50

Yeah you have to be online in order to get rides. Most likely she went online right before she got ready and was planning on making some bucks.

By Kennethtaylor377 | 12

#7852478 - Saturday 19 October 2019 20:01

But did she drive you home? lol

By RichardPencil | 28

#7852485 - Saturday 19 October 2019 20:35

I'm sure that ride home was...

...wait on it..,

Uber-awkward.

How many stars did you give her, and which ride did you rate?

By timinator5000 | 28

#7852487 - Saturday 19 October 2019 20:47

Well considering she was already online and accepting ride requests, I think it's safe to say neither one of you had a good time.

By lj2000 | 5

#7852497 - Saturday 19 October 2019 21:51

Always drive to the one night stand so you can run when she’s crazy. These hoes can’t he trusted.

By bosniangirl27 | 21

#7852536 - Sunday 20 October 2019 1:35

She can’t be mad at that because for her to get the notification she would have to been online. Thats how she got the notification. So she was looking to leave too

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7852549 - Sunday 20 October 2019 3:44

Why? She was logged on to take jobs.

By mas12806 | 21

#7852556 - Sunday 20 October 2019 5:26

Since she was getting dressed, you had finished. What exactly did she expect afterwards?

By Sheila Deville | 15

#7852565 - Sunday 20 October 2019 7:44

it is far better to lay with one person 1000 times than it is to lay with 1000 people once, this and many other scenarios are the proof of truth in that statement