Miscellaneous: Today, I was at the beach with friends and I fell asleep while... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the beach with friends and I fell asleep while I was tanning. When I woke up, everyone was laughing hysterically. I asked what was so funny, and one of my friends replies, "you farted so loud in your sleep that you woke yourself up." FML

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Taking stock

Boundaries

Kick the bum out

By Keith walk - United States

Today, my girlfriend's parents walked in on us having sex. Not only did her dad make me walk out to my truck with no clothes on, he is my baseball coach and I will be seeing him on Monday. FML

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By Wow. Really? - United States - Columbus

Today, my fiancée broke off our engagement. For some bizarre reason, she'd hidden a pair of expensive boots and her iPad underneath our ride-on mower. I turned the mower on and destroyed both without realizing it. According to her, the fault is all mine. FML

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By goingtothegym - United States - Canyon Country

Today, I was accused of shoplifting because my jacket looked "too chunky". I wasn't stealing, I'm just fat. FML

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By nomorecleanballs4u - United States - Tacoma

Today, my husband received a package in the mail containing a bottle of billiard ball cleaner for our pool table. Yes, billiard ball cleaner. I can't get that slovenly wretch to clean a toilet to save his life, but now he's determined to have the shiniest balls on the block. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while searching for the pungent odor that has been lingering in my son's bedroom, I discovered various types of juice my son has been "storing" to make wine. FML

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By singleandthankful - United Kingdom - Beaconsfield

Today, my now ex-boyfriend called me out after I spelt "realised" with an S instead of a Z. It wouldn't have been so bad, if we weren't both British, if he hadn't called me an "illiterate idiot", and if he hadn't muttered "family of morons" when my mum backed me up. FML

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By AnnieTheKitteh

Today, I came up with a new system: If I want to buy something, I must do a chore first. I thought my laziness would keep me from impulsive shopping. Instead, my entire apartment is sparkling clean. FML

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By ICallBullshxt

Today, I added my boss to the "ew" list on Skype. I then realized it sends her a notification. FML

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By Steve - United States

Today, I woke up with my girl laying next to me in bed. When she woke up we started to get hot and heavy but all of a sudden our cat hops on the bed. I guess the cat was more important cause my girl got up started playing it instead of me. Cockblocked by another pussy. FML

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By Cinderstar95 - United States - Schererville

Today, my dad and brother found a Christmas present that they'd "forgotten" to give me. Expecting a joke, I apprehensively opened it. But I still wasn't prepared to unwrap the neck of the Christmas turkey. It had been rotting in the living room for 2 days. The smell was indescribable. FML

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By GOAWAY - United States - Jefferson City

Creepy guy

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store. Before I knew what was happening, he'd sniffed me and started whimpering about how I don't smell like I used to. He does this kind of crazy shit all the time. FML

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By Ed - United States

Today, I came home from work to find my five year old daughter drawing unicorns on the wall. The same wall that I had to repaint last week because it had puppies on it. FML

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By but why

Today, when it started raining, I remembered that I'd left my kitchen windows open. I hurried to close them, but slipped in a huge puddle and slid into the wall, making a huge hole in it with my knee. FML

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By Lovenotes - United States

Today, my secret crush, who sits next to me in Bio, asked if he could borrow my notes. I agreed. It was only after he drove away, with my notebook, that I realized that in the back of my notes, I had written his name 100 times, surrounded by little hearts. FML

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By Tequila - Netherlands

Today, my bike abruptly stopped working, torpedoing me headfirst into the sidewalk. I lay there in agony for a few minutes, and the only guy who saw it happen said, "Lucky you didn't get hurt!" FML

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By almyric

Headshot!

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a foot massage. I learned that his feet are ticklish when he kicked me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, me and my co-workers were playing with the Helium tank we got today. We were all giggling like little girls for the better half of 15 minutes. I don't know what is more sad, that a bunch of guys were sucking helium instead of working, or that the youngest guy in the group is 43. FML

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By hardwarekit - United States - Fairport

Today, a customer bought several drill bits. When I asked him, "Do you want a bag for your bits?" he just stared at me uncomfortably, apparently thinking I was trying to come onto him. FML

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By screamer - United States - Paso Robles

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I was apparently really loud, because when we finished I heard his mom and grandma sarcastically imitating me outside. FML

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By thicklysettled - United States

Today, I was talking to the girl I've liked for 2 years. We were assigned partners for a History project so we were going to work on it at my house. When she asked me for directions, I told her I lived on Woodcock Road. She yelled slapped me and stormed off. I was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while playing badminton, I was so distracted by my ex winking at me that I didn't notice the shuttle cock that hit me in the eye. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bridgwater

Today, I sent an email to my boss saying I'd fixed a glitch in our mail servers. He called me later, angrily shouting that I'd done a piss-poor job of fixing it, because my email had spammed his inbox with several hundred duplicate messages. FML

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By Sam - Canada

Today, I ordered more memory and a new hard drive for my computer. I can't remember the last time I was this excited about something. FML

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By brrrr that's cold! - United States

Today, I finally felt well enough to take an actual shower after having surgery on my back. It took five minutes to stand up, ten minutes to get to the shower, and another ten minutes to get in. The pilot light went out in less than five minutes. FML

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By motheroftwo - Norway

Today, while standing by the kitchen window I noticed a mouse running across our lawn on top of the snow. I called my two daughters to come see it, but by the time they got to the window a hawk was shredding the poor thing to pieces. My kids didn't stop crying for two hours. FML

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By bookbroke - Canada - Regina

Today, I found out that someone found my lost library card, and instead of returning it, took out multiple items. If they don't return them, I'm on the hook to paying over $100 for them. FML

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By Meghan Elise

Today, my boyfriend and I dyed our hair. His hair came out good. My hair, on the other hand, came out splotchy, and instead of dark blue, it came out green. FML

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By Patrick - United States

Today, I was working at Publix ringing up some 70 year old woman. She says "Man, you're a fast cashier, I like my men fast!" and then gives me a wink. I got really nervous and didn't know how to respond, so not thinking, I quickly said, "Yeah, me too." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2020 11:01

Cursed FML

Today, my parents think the only reason I'm gay is because I have a curse that makes me attracted to females and I'm actually straight. At this point, even my older sisters believe it which is crazy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fair Haven

Today, we had a school reunion. The guy who bullied me throughout my high school career is now rich and married. I'm broke and single, and he specifically came up to me to point it out. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, I arrived in my dorm at 3 am to find my roommate passed out and a nauseating stench. While I was gone, he got drunk and puked all over the walls, carpet, and both beds. His inebriated attempt to clean up the mess consisted of smearing his vomit everywhere with my shower robe. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Beaumont

Today, my boss threatened to fire me for killing him in Minecraft. FML

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By strangely - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to imagine myself savagely beating my cat to death, just to stop myself from getting a boner while a girl laid her head in my lap. FML

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By TriangularBanana - United States - Cypress

Today, a girl stole my heart. She also stole my wallet, phone, and keys. FML

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By mysea8679 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, whilst trying on wedding dresses with my mom, she told me that I looked fat and awful in the dress I liked. When I told her how hurtful she was being, she told me that I should be grateful that she told me what she thought instead of laughing at me behind my back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on my Facebook, the stripper my ex husband cheated on me with showed up in the "People You May Know" box. FML

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By xomelodygervais - Canada - Timmins

Today, my husband's version of roleplaying was pretending that he actually wanted to have sex with me. FML

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By itrustedsnapeallalong - United States

Today, for the first time, I hugged the man I have been in love with for four years. It was a congratulatory hug at his wedding to my best friend. FML

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By gymgirl - Hong Kong

Today, I learnt that eating McDonald's, Twisties, Chocolate and popcorn, then regretting it and going to the gym is a bad idea. I discovered how far vomit, on a moving treadmill, can be thrown across a room. FML

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By parenting fail - 20/9/2020 11:01 - United States

A teenage dream's so hard to beat…

Today, my stepdaughter proudly showed off her new tattoo. It says "Jace’s place" in sloppy script on her lower belly. She’s 15. Jace is a boy she’s been seeing for 3 months. She got the tattoo in "some guy’s garage." It happened during her weekend visit with her father. Hello teenage rebellion. FML

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Top comments

By catatonicsleep | 17

#476390 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:12

My dog does that, it's funny..

By maybe_tomorrow | 0

#476392 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:13

Nothing like a loud PARP to wake you from your slumber xD

COMMENTS

By _unwritten_xox | 0

#476372 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:07

HAHAHA.
Fav.
Oh and, last ;P

Reply

Albedo667 | 5

#476823 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 16:31

rofl great way to start my day off, nothing like a dam good laugh

Reply

marz88 | 0

#477132 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 18:10

I call shenanigans. Family Guy episode

Reply

curryndricegirll | 0

#477340 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 19:30

ahahaha! this one is hilarious!

Reply

dx169 | 0

#479048 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 6:21

Probably smelt so good that when you unconsciously smelled it in your sleep, you salivated and woke yourself up.

Reply

KarinaLizeth18 | 5

#1329991 - Tuesday 31 August 2010 22:23

oh that's icky haha!!! priceless

Reply

teozac | 0

#1581021 - Thursday 21 October 2010 14:23

My sis did this once

By kwosti | 0

#476382 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:09

Bahahahhahahahahahahaahah

Reply

bgukusa00 | 0

#476399 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:18

hahahaha Lamo and #3 haha

By catatonicsleep | 17

#476390 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:12

My dog does that, it's funny..

By maybe_tomorrow | 0

#476392 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:13

Nothing like a loud PARP to wake you from your slumber xD

By waterynuggets | 0

#476410 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:23

Lmao XD

MLIA

By teesha_fml | 0

#476418 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:26

... sigh

By sexy_mamasita | 0

#476428 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:35

ROFL, this made my day :')

By 24788 | 6

#476434 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:38

Omg that's horrible. I feel bad for you. Yea, nothing could of really been worst than that in public.

By Ranoona | 0

#476463 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:58

haha I added this to my favorites :'D

By evan_789 | 7

#476476 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 13:06

Copied from family guy!!!!!

Reply

24788 | 6

#476494 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 13:27

This is true, we need research though. Go

Reply

Compwiz1993 | 0

#476498 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 13:29

Yeah, this actually WAS on family guy on TBS last night. Brian woke himself up with his fart. Since this episode was on last night and this fml just happened it's pretty obvious it's fake.

Reply

StraightUp | 1

#478995 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 5:55

Exactly. The episode was on LAST NIGHT!!! At least wait a few days, because Brian was the 1st thing that came to me when I read this!