Today, I was at the beach with friends and I fell asleep while... - FML

By Anonymous - 11/8/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, I was at the beach with friends and I fell asleep while I was tanning. When I woke up, everyone was laughing hysterically. I asked what was so funny, and one of my friends replies, "you farted so loud in your sleep that you woke yourself up." FML

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Out of it

Thanks, I'm cured!

Toxic parents

By Anonymous - 26/9/2012 14:23 - Canada

Today, I had to finally come to terms with the fact that I am obese when the doctor told me that my weird smell was not an infection but mold growing between my fat rolls. FML

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By annoyed - 20/2/2013 20:33 - United States - Paradise Valley

Today, I was so exhausted that I slept through my phone ringing, and later my doorbell ringing. My psycho mom freaked out, and thinking I was in trouble, broke a window to get inside. This all happened before 7am. FML

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By byepolar_bare - 19/12/2010 11:29 - United States

Today, I woke up late for work, and got sick at work twice; when I got home I discovered I'd paid my cable bill late when I got cut off. When my girlfriend came over, the first thing she said was "Do you know about the graffiti on your car?" FML

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By unknown - 2/11/2013 21:10 - Canada - Courtenay

Today, I sat down with my daughter to have the sex talk, because she recently started seeing a guy. I mentioned at one point how disappointed I would be if she got pregnant. She went wide-eyed and asked, "Didn't mom tell you?" FML

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By MetalAtlas - 3/3/2010 06:06 - United States

Today, I had to sell my only means of transportation, my 92 Chrysler Lebaron to a junking company because the transmission blew. When the guy finally got there, I had to shovel out the 5 feet of snow around my car, help him push it, and help him hook it up. Then his dog bit me. I only got $100. FML

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By VCDUDE11FTW - 25/12/2014 09:13 - United States - Lewis Center

Today, my brother and I woke up early to get a sneak peek at our Christmas presents. We found our parents having sex on the couch. FML

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By schnegg - 23/4/2016 17:33 - Switzerland

Today, the firm I work at informed all the employees about our annual staff trip. So, we're going to a tomato festival and everything is already planned and booked. I'm allergic to tomatoes. FML

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By anonymous - 2/4/2016 04:11 - United States - Westminster

Today, my sister still refuses to pay back all the money she owes me because she once bought me something from the dollar menu at McDonald's. FML

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By I_Lossed - 3/11/2009 11:02 - Australia

Today, I asked my girlfriend about a diamond necklace I bought her for her birthday, which she didn't seem to be wearing. She then told me she hocked it to pay for her inexpensive phone bill. I paid $1,500 for that necklace, she received $300 from the pawn shop. FML

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By crazyt446 - 11/7/2009 15:13 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend and when he answered, I said the dirtiest thing I could think of to him on the phone. After a long silence, I heard, "Lacey? Is that you?" I accidentally called my dad. FML

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By canessadawn - 17/6/2015 07:42 - United States - Portland

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house waiting to surprise him when he got home from work. I was laying in his bed when he called to tell me we were over. I couldn't leave before he got home. FML

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By ohgod... - 2/4/2012 02:18 - Canada - Magog

Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, he called me "Mom." FML

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By 4evalone - 22/4/2016 18:06 - United States

Today, the man I love, who broke my heart by leaving me a few months ago, showed up to a family event and pulled off the most elaborate, romantic proposal I've ever seen. He was proposing to my cousin. FML

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By numbnuts - 23/9/2013 05:48 - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, my 2-year-old daughter overheard my wife and I arguing and fixated on one particular insult my wife threw at me. Now my daughter won't stop saying "Daddy a numbnuts", always with a big smile on her face. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2013 07:25 - France

Today, I wanted revenge on my college's drinks machine. For the past two days, it forgot to release a cup before pouring my coffee. This time, I had planned ahead; I put my money in, entered the code, and quickly inserted my own cup. It gave me hot water. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2015 04:31 - United States - Lincoln

Today, I began taking a French language class. After completing and submitting some homework, I got a response. A response that was completely in French. I can't understand shit. FML

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By Fish - 19/3/2009 15:47 - United Arab Emirates

Today, we were hanging around the pool with a couple of friends and a crush of mine. Thinking I would be able to impress her with a well performed dive of the diving board, I go up and attempt my best dive. I slip just as I jump and hit my head on the board. I had to be saved by the lifeguard. FML

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By Matt - 28/4/2012 18:28 - United Kingdom - London

Today, the novelty of shaving a heart into my pubic hair for my wife vanished, when I woke up to find a collection of scabs around my pubes. FML

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By Raprotcommander - 7/2/2011 15:47 - United States

Today, I used my AA handbook as a beer coaster. FML

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By tine - 16/11/2014 09:44 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my boyfriend broke the bed pretending to be a caterpillar. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2015 20:24 - United States - Knoxville

Today, while giving my final speech, a bump that had been growing on my arm popped. Pus leaked through my white dress sleeve, and it smelled like death. Everyone noticed. FML

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By CollegeGirl - 1/5/2009 21:15 - United States

Today, I did my laundry in my dorm. After dragging 2 hampers down 4 flights of stairs, my ID card with money on it was rejected. After dragging it back upstairs, I scrounged up enough quarters from friends. 30 minutes after finally starting my laundry, I realized I forgot to add detergent. FML

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By Speechless - 17/6/2016 08:12

Today, it's been a few days since I saw an ad advertising my job after being told about it by a telemarketer. When I asked my boss about it, she claimed things were fine, it was an old ad, not to worry. Now, I was actually fired for no valid reason. A telemarketer gave me more warning than they did. FML

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By notagoodsign - 28/2/2011 10:55 - Netherlands

Today, while watching Animal Planet, I realised my boyfriend uses the Dog Whisperer techniques on me. FML

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By anonymous - 19/10/2009 19:16 - United States

Today, I drove 100 miles from my parents house to mine. I had only a few miles left when I realized I really had to pee. I didn't want to pull over somewhere when I was so close to home, so I sped up. A cop pulled me over a block from my house. I started to sob, and ended up peeing myself. FML

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By nicklesg - 23/6/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, my car was impounded because I never registered it in California after moving here. In order to get it back, I need to register it. In order to register it, I need to pass a CA smog check. In order to pass the smog check, I need my car. FML

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By retainer - 22/7/2009 22:36 - United States

Today, at the dentist, the new, rather airy assistant went to prep me for an extraction. She began pulling on something in my mouth, and a moment later, I felt intense pain and then the wetness of blood. She was trying to pull out "that weird wire thing". In other words, my permanent retainer. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2011 17:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me while we were at the pool. He seemed shocked that I wasn't crying. A slim girl in a bikini walked past and said, "Don't worry, fat people are used to it." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2013 13:18 - United States - Allendale

Today, just so my family would think someone might actually be interested in me, I bought myself roses and attached a secret admirer card to them. My plan would have worked if I hadn't forgotten to take the receipt off the kitchen counter. FML

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By fire1 - 25/10/2011 04:30 - United States

Today, working as an EMT on an ambulance, we had a patient who refused to accept that he had a massive GI bleed, despite the fact that bloody stool was flowing from his anus all over my ambulance. To make things worse, my EMT ride-along student puked all over the patient. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2014 16:01 - United States - Glen Allen

Today, my little sister was being picked on by some kids. After seeing one push her, I went over to talk to them about how bullying isn't cool and how they need to play nice. They beat me up. I'm 22 years old and got beat up by a group of 10 year olds. FML

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By mimo - 14/11/2008 04:16 - France

Today, I ate at a friend's house. Her 5-year-old son, who was at the table with us, looked at me and said quietly, "You're ugly." My friend told him off, causing him to cry, and shout, "But she isn't pretty!" FML

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By CoffeeStained - 10/11/2015 15:54 - United States - Richmond

Today, I set my cup of coffee down on the stall floor to take care of my business. A hand reached under the stall door and took my coffee. I yelled to give it back, calling them obscene names. Moments later, my fresh coffee came flying over the door. I'm burned from my head to my legs. FML

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By Noname - 20/2/2009 05:30 - South Africa

Today, at a strategy session my manager displayed a flow chart of his employees. I wasn't included. Apparently I had been fired and they forgot to tell me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2009 22:13 - United States

Today, while looking through a stack of possible pictures for Facebook, I found one I really liked, until I noticed that I have recently developed a bald patch. Problem? I am a 22 year old woman. FML

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By dilligaf - 27/9/2011 06:22 - United States

Today, I had to choose between staying with my boyfriend and moving out to a better job. I chose my boyfriend. He promptly left me because I didn't take the job. FML

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By brows - 3/3/2009 22:47 - United States

Today, I went to get my eyebrows waxed at a korean salon. I have never been there before and it's hard to understand their accents. The women asked me if I wanted "them all off". Not fully understanding what she said, I agreed. When she showed me the mirror, she had taken off my whole eyebrow. FML

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By Life of the party - 19/8/2009 05:13 - France

Today, I threw a party while my parents were gone. I forgot that our alarm automatically turns on at 11 pm, so when people opened the door, it went off. I couldn't find the number for the alarm company, so the cops showed up. Everyone started cheering because they thought they were strippers. FML

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By WhatALetdown - 25/11/2015 00:26 - United States - Danbury

Today, I had sex with the guy who had been the main subject of my bean-flicking fantasies since I met him. It was the absolute worst sex of my life. I guess some things are just better left to the imagination. FML

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By Sadwife - 6/10/2016 17:36 - United States - Pardeeville

Today, I had my wedding at 11 a.m. so that I could spend a lot of time with my friends and family. Everyone left within 4 hours. FML

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Top comments

By catatonicsleep | 17

#476390 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:12

My dog does that, it's funny..

By maybe_tomorrow | 0

#476392 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:13

Nothing like a loud PARP to wake you from your slumber xD

COMMENTS

By _unwritten_xox | 0

#476372 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:07

HAHAHA.
Fav.
Oh and, last ;P

Reply

Albedo667 | 5

#476823 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 16:31

rofl great way to start my day off, nothing like a dam good laugh

Reply

marz88 | 0

#477132 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 18:10

I call shenanigans. Family Guy episode

Reply

curryndricegirll | 0

#477340 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 19:30

ahahaha! this one is hilarious!

Reply

dx169 | 0

#479048 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 6:21

Probably smelt so good that when you unconsciously smelled it in your sleep, you salivated and woke yourself up.

Reply

KarinaLizeth18 | 5

#1329991 - Tuesday 31 August 2010 22:23

oh that's icky haha!!! priceless

Reply

teozac | 0

#1581021 - Thursday 21 October 2010 14:23

My sis did this once

By kwosti | 0

#476382 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:09

Bahahahhahahahahahahaahah

Reply

bgukusa00 | 0

#476399 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:18

hahahaha Lamo and #3 haha

By catatonicsleep | 17

#476390 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:12

My dog does that, it's funny..

By maybe_tomorrow | 0

#476392 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:13

Nothing like a loud PARP to wake you from your slumber xD

By waterynuggets | 0

#476410 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:23

Lmao XD

MLIA

By teesha_fml | 0

#476418 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:26

... sigh

By sexy_mamasita | 0

#476428 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:35

ROFL, this made my day :')

By 24788 | 6

#476434 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:38

Omg that's horrible. I feel bad for you. Yea, nothing could of really been worst than that in public.

By Ranoona | 0

#476463 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:58

haha I added this to my favorites :'D

By evan_789 | 7

#476476 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 13:06

Copied from family guy!!!!!

Reply

24788 | 6

#476494 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 13:27

This is true, we need research though. Go

Reply

Compwiz1993 | 0

#476498 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 13:29

Yeah, this actually WAS on family guy on TBS last night. Brian woke himself up with his fart. Since this episode was on last night and this fml just happened it's pretty obvious it's fake.

Reply

#478995 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 5:55

Exactly. The episode was on LAST NIGHT!!! At least wait a few days, because Brian was the 1st thing that came to me when I read this!