Miscellaneous: Today, I was at the beach with friends and I fell asleep while... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the beach with friends and I fell asleep while I was tanning. When I woke up, everyone was laughing hysterically. I asked what was so funny, and one of my friends replies, "you farted so loud in your sleep that you woke yourself up." FML

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Healthy relationship

Billy no-mates

Do as I say, not as I do

By Spac3Ghost - China

Today, I was having a conversation with my girlfriend about having kids. We were outside a hotel in front of those rotating glass doors. One of my friends ran at me as a joke, screaming like a caveman. I freaked out in a high pitched squeal, and tried to run inside the hotel. I ran in the wrong way. FML

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By really - United States

Today, while cuddling with my boyfriend, he got up and said he needed to go home because he was tired and just wanted to relax and watch TV. That's what we were doing. FML

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By jilted - United States

Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML

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By Tree

So clever. Wow.

Today, my boyfriend found some noise-canceling headphones that he forgot he had. Once he adjusted them and put them on, he sat down and asked me to tell him about my day. FML

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By RupeeLink - United Kingdom

Today, to cheer my girlfriend up after her mother died a week ago, I took her to a comedy club. The comedian's theme for the night happened to be mother-daughter relationships. FML

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By

Today, my ex of 5 years got engaged after 5 months of us "taking a break." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got a call from my 14-year-old step-daughter while I was out. She'd left nail polish in her pocket when she'd tried to wash the clothes. I now have hot pink streaks on most of my work clothes. FML

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By Gothicbunnyx3 - United States

Today, I had to tell my 7 year old son it's not polite to jack off in public. FML

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By Albert - United States - Dover

Today, I went to see my orthodontist. He informed me that I have an underbite and I will probably need braces again. I just had them taken off last year, after five and a half years of oral hell. FML

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By cahsecuel - France - Grisolles

Today, I asked my 10-year-old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He smiled broadly and said "A porn star!" FML

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By NeedTea - United States

Today i stopped at Starbucks to get a tea before work and was surprised that there wasn't a line. As i was leaving the automatic door closed knocking my out of my hand. I headed back in only to discover a huge line had formed and they made me pay for the replacement that their door spilled. FML

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By ww2freak - United States - Centreville

Today, I found out that if you whistle Christmas carols while shitting in a public bathroom, a little boy might just look under the stall to see if Santa is pooping. FML

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By Msmerfner - United States - Hemet

Today, I was trying to be sexy in the bathtub for my boyfriend. I leaned back and caught my hair on fire with the candle. FML

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By quackers - United States - Columbus

Today, I found out that my favorite pizza place will no longer deliver to my area after dark because they've been robbed too many times. FML

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By suckerrrrr - United States

Today, I bought a top with some other things. I went to the restroom and had diarrhea, but there was no toilet paper in the stall. I had to use the receipt from the store. I then realized the clerk hadn't put the top in the bag. I needed that receipt to get the top. FML

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By Theboredone

Today, after a week on bed rest in a cast after ankle surgery, I got so bored and lonely I agreed to do an hour-long government phone survey just to have someone to talk to. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2020 06:32 - India - Kaul

I don't need to see this

Today, I found out that my best friend likes the same person as I do, but she doesn’t know that I'm in love with him, and she keeps sending me their flirty texts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Woodridge

Today, a woman at the retirement home I work at told me she was new and asked me a few questions. I asked her when she moved in. She was a new coworker, not a new resident. FML

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By sadinseattle - United States

Today, I was driving on the freeway when I get a call from my friend explaining that our two best friends died in a car accident. I pulled over in hysterics and a cop came to see what was wrong. I explained what happened and he gave me a ticket for talking on the phone while driving. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, my family and I went to feed carrots to the giraffes at the zoo. After I finished my first cup of carrots, I turned back to get some more. Suddenly, I was jerked back and a chunk of my hair was ripped out. The giraffe mistook the orange barrette in my hair for a carrot. FML

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Today, I have peace of mind that I am not pregnant, thanks to my IUD. It's not because of the effectiveness of the contraceptive, but my inability to touch my boyfriend. I haven't stopped bleeding since my doctor installed it 3 weeks ago. FML

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By Suckered - United States - Hialeah

Today, I found out my son was never accepted into the local university 2 years ago. He actually went out and got a job, and only lied about it so he could keep living in my house rent-free. The conniving bastard makes more than I do at my minimum-wage job. FML

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By SoundConfuser - Australia

Today, after spending the three previous nights cursing the noisiest bird alive that continually disrupts my sleep to the point where I just want to smash the damn thing's head in with a rock, I realised it's been my pedestal fan the entire time. FML

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By screw the cat - United States - South Jordan

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house when we noticed her cat was missing. We saw it on the roof and so I thought I would try to look good by offering to go on the roof to retrieve it. The cat had climbed down when I got up there, and I have a fear of heights. Her mom had to help me down. FML

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By Hue - United States

Today, I spent more time driving to my vacation spot than actually vacationing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Frisco

Today, for the first time ever, one of my birthday wishes came true. I wished for my crush to come hang out with me, and she did. I wasted my birthday wish on an awkward silence. FML

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By laviestpasimal - France

Today, I had six long hours with the same math teacher. To get home, I travel by bus. Guess who sat down next to me for the whole trip. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Goole

Today, I was feeling really down, so I texted my boyfriend, hoping to get some emotional support. He texted me back twenty minutes later, asking for nude pictures. FML

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By broke bitch - United States - Hampton

Today, I got a call from my cable company in regards to a bill I didn't pay. I paid the bill two weeks ago in full, but they never told me the account changed when my name was put on the account. So now I owe $170 more, and my ex-roommate is getting a $140 refund in the mail. FML

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By Anon. - United Kingdom

Today, I had to look at my positive eBay feedback to feel loved. FML

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By ohtheirony

Today, I scratched my car with a bottle of scratch remover deeply enough that the scratch remover couldn't remove it. FML

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By Dulieu - United States

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. When she asked me to pick up her thong from behind my bed I realized there were two. I didn't pick up hers. FML

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By Desiree_lianne - United States

Today, my fiance said his cat is going to be my maid of honor at our wedding. FML

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By coffee - United States

Today, while getting out of Starbucks there was a homeless guy. I bought him a coffee and he was so happy he gave me a hug. Guess whose wallet is missing? FML

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By :$ - United States

Today, my boyfriend came to a family barbecue. I guess my dad heard him talking about the "fun" we'd be having later, because over the next two hours, he tripped my boyfriend up on concrete, threw a beer can at him, and sprayed him full-force with a water hose. All "accidentally" of course. FML

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By HidenSeek - United States

Today, my mom and I were watching this movie in which some girls start making out. My mother calls them "sinners" and that they will "burn in hell twice". Then she says "God doesn't like gays". I'm a lesbian. I picked out this movie as a way of coming out. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I was cruising with a coworker and his friend, and I started getting tired. His friend offered me a caffeine pill. It wasn't caffeine. It was laxatives. FML

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By LadyGrey

Today, returning home from a party, I realised I'd forgotten my keys. My roommate was sleeping so soundly that after an hour of throwing gravel and ringing the doorbell, I had to give up and get a room at the hotel over the road. For €85 I had a view of my room. FML

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By angie24w - 19/6/2020 07:55

On the ball

Today, after an emergency doctor told me to go to the pharmacy to get Zantac for possible stomach ulcers, I was told by the pharmacist that it was actually recalled a year ago. I had to pay almost double the price for another antacid. Thanks a lot for knowing your stuff, ER doctor. FML

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By Wasthistheplace - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I went to meet my dad, who I haven't seen in years, at a convenience store. He didn't show up, because the location was "inconvenient." FML

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Top comments

By catatonicsleep | 17

#476390 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:12

My dog does that, it's funny..

By maybe_tomorrow | 0

#476392 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:13

Nothing like a loud PARP to wake you from your slumber xD

COMMENTS

By _unwritten_xox | 0

#476372 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:07

HAHAHA.
Fav.
Oh and, last ;P

Reply

Albedo667 | 5

#476823 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 16:31

rofl great way to start my day off, nothing like a dam good laugh

Reply

marz88 | 0

#477132 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 18:10

I call shenanigans. Family Guy episode

Reply

curryndricegirll | 0

#477340 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 19:30

ahahaha! this one is hilarious!

Reply

dx169 | 0

#479048 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 6:21

Probably smelt so good that when you unconsciously smelled it in your sleep, you salivated and woke yourself up.

Reply

KarinaLizeth18 | 5

#1329991 - Tuesday 31 August 2010 22:23

oh that's icky haha!!! priceless

Reply

teozac | 0

#1581021 - Thursday 21 October 2010 14:23

My sis did this once

By kwosti | 0

#476382 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:09

Bahahahhahahahahahahaahah

Reply

bgukusa00 | 0

#476399 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:18

hahahaha Lamo and #3 haha

By catatonicsleep | 17

#476390 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:12

My dog does that, it's funny..

By maybe_tomorrow | 0

#476392 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:13

Nothing like a loud PARP to wake you from your slumber xD

By waterynuggets | 0

#476410 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:23

Lmao XD

MLIA

By teesha_fml | 0

#476418 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:26

... sigh

By sexy_mamasita | 0

#476428 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:35

ROFL, this made my day :')

By 24788 | 6

#476434 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:38

Omg that's horrible. I feel bad for you. Yea, nothing could of really been worst than that in public.

By Ranoona | 0

#476463 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 12:58

haha I added this to my favorites :'D

By evan_789 | 7

#476476 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 13:06

Copied from family guy!!!!!

Reply

24788 | 6

#476494 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 13:27

This is true, we need research though. Go

Reply

Compwiz1993 | 0

#476498 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 13:29

Yeah, this actually WAS on family guy on TBS last night. Brian woke himself up with his fart. Since this episode was on last night and this fml just happened it's pretty obvious it's fake.

Reply

StraightUp | 1

#478995 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 5:55

Exactly. The episode was on LAST NIGHT!!! At least wait a few days, because Brian was the 1st thing that came to me when I read this!