Today, I was at my new boyfriend's flat. As I came out of the toilet he walked over, took my hand, looked at me and whispered, "You washed your hands. Good." in an extremely creepy manner. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was taking a shower. I heard my boyfriend come into the bathroom, brush his teeth and take off his clothes. He joined me in the shower and instead of doing something loving or sexy, he let out a huge fart into his hand and threw it into my face. FML
Today, trying to be romantic, I started giving my boyfriend a neck massage. He gave me a weirded-out look, removed my hand, called me creep, and wouldn't let me touch him for the rest of the day. FML
Today, I discovered that my boyfriend, the one who does all the cooking in the house, doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom. FML
Today, I went to the grocery store. As I was checking out, I went to grab the same item that the cashier was reaching for. He brushed my hand. He then both watched me creepily and asked my what lotion I used to make my hands so soft. When I left, he said, "I'll dream of you." FML
Today, I was home alone, and decided to do some naked cleaning just because I could. After half an hour of liberating nakie-dusting, I turn around to see my boyfriend and his best friend gaping at me open mouthed. His older brother however gave a creepy smile and the thumbs up. FML
Today, while using a public toilet, a guy started pissing beside me at the urinal. The breach of bathroom etiquette then escalated to him taking a long look down at me and saying, "Nice sack, dude." followed by him finishing up and leaving without even washing his hands. FML
Today, I went for a quick piss at a restaurant. As I walked out the door, a little kid in the bathroom yelled, "HEY MISTER, YOU FORGOT TO WASH YOUR HANDS!" Everyone in the dining room stared, including my date. FML
Today, my boyfriend found out I have OCD. When I touch something with one hand I have to touch it with the other or I freak. After I brushed his face with the back of my hand he tackled me to the floor, held me down, and laughed at me while I panicked and tried to touch him with my other hand. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to spice things up by sneaking into the shower with me. Instead, he walked in on me pooping. I only had the shower running because I was afraid he would hear me taking a dump. FML
Today, I was on a subway with my boyfriend and it was stopping so I grabbed the pole for support. I felt another hand grabbing onto the pole knowing it was my boyfriend's. Without looking I carressed and tickled his hand. I turned around to smile at my boyfriend. The hand wasn't his. FML
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Top comments
MrHomerSimpson 11
Good girl
SkoomaKi 28
At least you wash your hands. A lot of people don't...
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Comments (131)
titzenpitzer 9
haha man, that's hilarious. You should be whispering in creepy ways all day long!
maosquare 18
Imagine a mundane conversation carried out entirely in creepy voice. She: It's warm today, isn't it? He: Oh, yes, it is hot. She: I hope it rains. He: But that will make us wet. She: Wear a rain mac or use an umbrella. He: Yes, that will keep us dry. - Cue rain, lightning, and thunder. Both: Muahaha!!!
Zaros_fml 24
46- Yeah I totally read that out loud in the creepy voice... Laughter included.
RaquelW 7
"then it puts the lotion on its skin..."
Mischief109 11
It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again!!
kzxvazure 0
isn't that supposed to be good
DocBastard 40
Just turn it back around on him. Boyfriend: You washed your hands. Good. OP: That's not all I washed... Boyfriend: What do you mean? OP: I also washed my feet. Boyfriend: After peeing?? OP: Yessssssss!!!
italiancows 8
Wow, who washes there feet after peeing? Earh! I hate feet, they creep me out...
SLEinTN 7
That's why it would be funny!
MizzKilljoy69 11
you people make no sense
The_Hitdude 12
38-Two things: 1.) It's their, not there dammit. Is it really that difficult to differentiate the two? 2.) The 'washed my feet' part was a joke, dumbass.
Ugi 27
38 - that depends how poor their aim is!
DocBastard 40
I'm surprised no one seems to be getting this. Damn.
DustyStorm 16
Is it because you changed your photo? Lol... I see the hilarity....
The_Hitdude 12
Sorry Doc. On this site, I don't get it= thumbs down. I understood the joke, though. One thumb up to help you out of the hole!
SqueakyChipmunk 22
I'm thinking Doc meant something about a foot job, a common fetish. If I'm wrong, this will be awkward.
deviable 9
Or maybe she's a squatter.
Il_Maestro 6
Doc, I would like to apologize on behalf of everyone who thumbs you down because they don't get your jokes. Not everyone has a good sense of humor.
BlackBlazeCobra 16
Well good, you don't have to worry about him being a mess.
emstar828 4
Oh man, too funny. Sounds like some weird shit my boyfriend would say. Hes a keeper OP! & to the d-bags who said dim
Enslaved 38
Did he then ask you to go make him a sandwich with those freshly washed hands?
challan 19
Lmao I thought the same thing.
Cintia07 7
Some people do that & I don't get it! Next time give him the stink eye & say yes slowly. But laugh afterwards, it's the key, otherwise you both will think each other are creeps lol
Acaprice14 9
He might have a germ issue.
ChickInGreenVans 12
i smell (pun intended) an O.C.D dude!! or he just has a 'queer' eye for clean hands!! Atleast you now know for sure that he washes his hands 0_o!!