Love: Today, I discovered that my boyfriend, the one who does all the... - FML

By msjustine - 06/05/2011 19:27 - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend, the one who does all the cooking in the house, doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 889

You deserved it 13 341

Compromises

Road angst

Stewart Lee has let himself go

By Anonymous - 16/04/2013 23:13 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was given a powerful laxative to clear me out. I can't go to the bathroom because the four guests of my sleeping roommate are all sitting in dead silence against the paper-thin bathroom wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 465

You deserved it 4 008

By Anonymous - 15/07/2013 19:25 - United States - Colonial Beach

Today, I was in a restroom, reading this site, when another gentleman walked in. He washed his hands, dried them, nodded at me, then left. It wouldn't ordinarily be so weird, except I was in a one-person restroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 119

You deserved it 8 913

By Anonymous - 21/08/2019 04:00

Today, I noticed I have more alcohol in my fridge than I do actual food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 680

You deserved it 1 549

By Anonymous - 12/01/2014 00:03 - United States - Philadelphia

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend told me that she is pregnant. I asked how it could be possible, since she's on birth control. She said she didn't know her antibiotics would interfere with it. She's a pharmacist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 949

You deserved it 8 854

By Anonymous - 11/03/2010 22:23 - United States

Today, I became that small percent of people who face three different kinds of complications after their wisdom teeth are removed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 995

You deserved it 2 169

By Anonymous - 23/09/2010 19:02 - Chile

Today, I gave my boss the paperwork to approve my commissions for the month. She wouldn't sign it, saying, "Maybe I'm crazy, but I feel that I've signed this before." She hasn't. I have no commission, and my boss is crazy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 517

You deserved it 2 468

By loser - 09/11/2012 16:07 - United States - Washington

Today, after dealing with infidelity in my marriage, I found myself looking for advice. This led me to the comments section of a tabloid article talking about Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson. I'm a 30-year-old man taking marriage advice from a bunch of vampire-obsessed tweens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 524

You deserved it 5 987

By Adam - 16/03/2010 20:51 - United States

Today, I woke up to go pee and my cat followed me into the bathroom as usual. Then, in a not so usual fashion, she tried to jump from the sink to the top of the toilet, missed, and fell into the bowl while I was peeing. I'm scratched in a bad place, I have urine to clean up off the bathroom floor, and a traumatized cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 270

You deserved it 5 155

By Anonymous - 04/03/2016 20:22 - United States - Newark

Today, my vegan step-mom found out I ate at McDonald's yesterday. She gave me hell and asked me how it feels to give money to "murderers". All while my dad sat quietly by because he's too whipped to speak his mind. It wasn't even her house a month ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 029

You deserved it 1 706

By meesmees - 23/11/2013 10:48 - United States - Severna Park

Today, I ended up talking to a homeless man and bought him a meal. In return, he hugged me and groped my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 741

You deserved it 6 785

By nonexistant - 02/10/2009 19:32 - Canada

Today, while I was at a business supply store, I decided to get my old paper birth certificate laminated so it wouldn't deteriorate further. The people working decided to wait until after it was done and I had paid to tell me that laminating a birth certificate voids it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 405

You deserved it 9 037

By Nicked - 25/04/2009 11:50 - Israel

Today, I was on a bus and a man was feeling up my butt. I was just about to step on his foot when the bus stopped and he slipped out. Only then did I realize he'd stolen my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 948

You deserved it 15 772

By BrakesNotBumpers - 12/06/2015 21:09 - United States - Reading

Today, I was rear-ended. While I was yelling, "WHAT THE F..." the lady who hit me completely freaked out and drove into me again. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 949

You deserved it 2 402

By candie - 27/08/2011 02:10 - United States

Today, thanks to my wife's confession, I found out that the 14 year old child I've raised since I was 16 isn't related to me at all. But at least this narrows the real father down to one of three other guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 497

You deserved it 4 290

By Stevski - 11/09/2012 15:08 - Australia - Port Macquarie

Today, after moving in with a couple of vegan zoologists a few weeks ago, I discover that they don't believe that we have the right to kill cockroaches, and will not allow me to do so. The house is infested, and it's spread to my bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 185

You deserved it 3 995

By Fwick - 19/03/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend for the last time for two years. When we got back from dinner, we sat in his truck for a little while to talk. A few minutes later, my mom comes flying out of my house screaming, "Satan is here, and he is tempting you!" That is the last memory he will have of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88 943

You deserved it 4 985

By TVKill3r - 29/03/2013 00:57 - United States

Today, at work while near a cigarette tray outside, a man said, "Thanks for polluting our environment!" All I could say was, "What?" He then said "I'm speaking English you know!" I was cleaning the cigarette tray at the time, don't smoke at all, and was born here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 754

You deserved it 2 746

By AnnaNick - 14/02/2010 02:19 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were out shopping. As he was trying on shirts, I told him that the particular shirt he was wearing looked ugly. He turned around, sighed, and said "You think? Well, your face is ugly, but you don't see me complaining about it." He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 910

You deserved it 10 326

Father of the year

By Anonymous - 15/09/2021 22:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my husband is so emotionally disconnected from fatherhood, he has yet to call our son by his name and instead just refers to him as 'It' or 'That' and occasionally just 'Him'. Sometimes he’ll even ignore him crying and just leave the room because the noise annoys him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 585

You deserved it 235

I don't want to do this anymore…

By Anonymous - 12/05/2021 08:01 - Italy

Today, I was in charge of my team at work but I asked for a demotion, because I was so stressed that I started having nightmares. I feel like everyone freaked out after quarantine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 675

You deserved it 108

By kingkarnie - 12/12/2010 01:55 - United States

Today, my mother called to uninvite me from Christmas, my ex-wife is going and she doesn't want it to be awkward for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 203

You deserved it 2 948

By TiredMommy - 20/04/2017 18:00 - United States - Southbridge

Today, my 2-year-old son figured out that if he takes his pull-up off and DOESN'T go on the potty, he can pee all over things. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 506

You deserved it 427

By gamergirlfriend - 20/10/2009 05:26 - United States

Today, I was texting my boyfriend. I noticed that he had added a signature onto his texts that had the date 11/10/09. At first, I blushed and thought it was the date we had become a couple. But then I realized it was just the day the new Call of Duty game comes out. Love you too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 081

You deserved it 34 202

By everyonesdivorced - 02/10/2009 16:47 - Iraq

Today, my husband of five years told me he's leaving me and will be gone when I return from Iraq. When I told him I love him and asked him not to go, he said he won't file divorce papers just yet, but he's moving out-of-state because "we need time apart." I've been gone for most of the year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 517

You deserved it 3 163

By nicknick2 - 18/05/2011 16:08 - United States

Today, I was at Walmart with my mom, when a guy next to me let out a series of vicious farts. Assuming it was me, my mom chewed me out in front of the guy and made me apologize. The man looked at my mom and said, "Children, they're so immature." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 004

You deserved it 3 896

By Crud - 06/02/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of six months dumped me over the phone. I'm in the military and recently had to move away to another fort. We'd agreed that we would try to make long distance work. I'd even offered to buy a plane ticket to come see her each weekend. I've been gone less than two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 890

You deserved it 2 878

By Anonymous - 14/07/2014 17:45 - United States - Lititz

Today, I found out that my son has been trying to save enough of his earwax to make a candle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 175

You deserved it 5 588

By nk - 03/11/2010 04:39 - United States

Today, I was so lonely that I had a 3 hour conversation with a one-legged cricket I found in my room. I'm keeping him. He has a name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 493

You deserved it 12 006

By the other guy? - 29/03/2014 21:57 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was watching last week's episode of The Walking Dead with my girlfriend. When the gang leader explained the rules of the group to Daryl, I reached over, grabbed my girlfriend's boobs and yelled, "Claimed!" She shot back, "Yeah, they are. But not by you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 525

You deserved it 19 707

By Username - 04/05/2011 03:24

Today, I can't attend an interview for a great job because I have an exam. An exam I need to pass in order to have a great job like the one I'm missing the interview for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 207

You deserved it 4 096

By anxiety - 16/11/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, I had an anxiety attack because I thought I'd lost my anxiety medication. It ended up being on the shelf right where I left it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 137

You deserved it 10 318

Going well

By Sam - 25/06/2014 05:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, as a recruiter, I had an interview with a promising candidate for an open position at my company. The interview was going well until the candidate interrupted me halfway through to take a selfie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 932

You deserved it 4 410

By TodX - 27/12/2008 08:23 - France

Today, I used my Christmas holiday time to open up a load of old letters. There were a lot of bills, of course, but there was also a note telling me that I'm due for a tax inspection. Merry F*ing Christmas! FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 714

You deserved it 5 747

By Rob - 16/10/2009 01:59 - France

Today, while on the crapper, I learned that morphine has a nasty side-effect. It appears that it can cause a massive rock-hard piece of dung the size of a bus to form in your intestines. I went to the doctor, he handed me a glove and some laxatives and said "Have fun!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 560

You deserved it 3 548

By Melinda - 10/12/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, I was walking through the bar area of the restaurant I work at and fell on my ass. Customers complained to my manager that I shouldn't be drinking on the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 621

You deserved it 2 884

By Speechless - 17/06/2016 08:12

Today, it's been a few days since I saw an ad advertising my job after being told about it by a telemarketer. When I asked my boss about it, she claimed things were fine, it was an old ad, not to worry. Now, I was actually fired for no valid reason. A telemarketer gave me more warning than they did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 166

You deserved it 864

By orely44 - 08/03/2013 14:13 - France - Rez

Today, after about fifteen minutes of my cat bullying me into letting him get onto my lap, I finally caved. He clambered on, turned around, farted in my direction and got off as fast as he got on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 601

You deserved it 9 572

By Anonymous - 01/06/2012 18:17 - United States - South Amboy

Today, it was my last day at school before I graduate next week. Ten minutes into lunch break, I was brutally nailed in the neck by a football. Now, not only do I look like I was given a hickey by the Jolly Green Giant himself, I have to wear a neck brace at my graduation ceremony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 584

You deserved it 2 045

By Anonymous - 25/11/2015 06:57

Today, I pulled an all-nighter to finish rereading my set work for my English exam. I managed to finish earlier than expected and decided to get some sleep. I then promptly slept through my alarm and missed my exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 421

You deserved it 5 001

By shocked - 12/10/2009 14:52 - United States

Today, my "future" wife got drunk in front of my parents, who she was meeting for the first time. She called my dad a piece of shit and told my mom she wants to tear her own eyes out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 607

You deserved it 5 663

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Top comments

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Saturday 7 May 2011 1:15

You put his dick in your mouth, it's okay.

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Saturday 7 May 2011 1:00

that's rather gross

Comments

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Saturday 7 May 2011 1:00

And the problem is... ?

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Saturday 7 May 2011 1:09

your picture is amazing

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Saturday 7 May 2011 1:15

Obama didn't do shit.

EverybodyHatesCh 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 1:19

it adds flavor to the food!! Mmm

sterlingarcher 1

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Saturday 7 May 2011 1:26

eww that's so nasty!!

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Saturday 7 May 2011 1:40

The problem is that she will now have cyphyllis (sp?) in her stomach.

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Saturday 7 May 2011 2:00

A. SYPHILIS is an STD that causes sores on the skin B. she would get typhoid if anything and that's pretty much wiped out off earth

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Saturday 7 May 2011 2:01

dumbass I'm in 9th grade and I know that

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Saturday 7 May 2011 2:06

talk about disgusting!!!!

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Saturday 7 May 2011 2:11

no guys do deal with it

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Saturday 7 May 2011 2:34

Honestly I don't see the problem with it either. I don't get why everyone makes such a big deal about it.

sierraangelis 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 2:39

a little dirt don't hurt.../:

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Saturday 7 May 2011 2:48

nicely said

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Saturday 7 May 2011 2:49

a little dirt dont hurt.. but that brown lump on yo food aint durt... i think its last nights dinner mixed with todays food and a big dose of ass hair...

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Saturday 7 May 2011 3:15

That she isn't in the kitchen.

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Saturday 7 May 2011 1:00

that's rather gross

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Saturday 7 May 2011 1:02

that's*

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Saturday 7 May 2011 1:03

does he pee on his d***?

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Saturday 7 May 2011 1:11

^no, he pees out of it?

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Saturday 7 May 2011 1:12

oh dammit I'm retarded :(

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Saturday 7 May 2011 3:38

lol that's effing disgusting

staceysgenesis16 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 3:41

hell yeah thats disgusting !!! >:[

YacL 15

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Saturday 7 May 2011 3:58

Not really. When you think about it, there are more germs on a work desk than on your hands after you're done in the bathroom. Even tough, with this is mind, I can't leave the bathroom without washing my hands. They just feel... weird... all germy and shit

littlemissFYL 5

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Saturday 7 May 2011 4:02

if you don't like it OP, then learn how to cook for yourself.

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Saturday 7 May 2011 4:08

So is that opposed to the one who does all the laundry, or the one who does all the cleaning?

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Saturday 7 May 2011 4:19

Well now yu kno the secret recipe ;) haha

laughattack98 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 5:01

it is, m brother does the same thing alot, but he's not cooking me food really so.

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Saturday 7 May 2011 5:07

that's sexy....

ImTotallyAsian 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 1:01

Eww

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Saturday 7 May 2011 2:05

Ewwwwwww lol

ImTotallyAsian 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 2:31

Lol

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Saturday 7 May 2011 3:11

See what happens when you leave the kitchen? YDI

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Saturday 7 May 2011 4:22

fast food anyone?

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Saturday 7 May 2011 4:35

doesn't really matter. his docks gonna be in ops mouth anyways

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Saturday 7 May 2011 1:01

so that actually was a hair in your food hahahahaha

ydi_4_suking 20

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Saturday 7 May 2011 3:43

hopefully it wasnt a short and curly

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Saturday 7 May 2011 1:01

maybe he does it handsfree?

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Saturday 7 May 2011 1:06

he does everything with his feet!

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Saturday 7 May 2011 1:07

Haha, how?

EverybodyHatesCh 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 1:17

with his feet. . .

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Saturday 7 May 2011 1:41

33 I meant that for 5, but it posted late.

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Saturday 7 May 2011 2:32

With feet? That is HOT!!!

staceysgenesis16 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 3:39

ewww uhh lolol thats nasty ...

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Saturday 7 May 2011 1:03

that's no good. well looks like he's not the cook in the house anymore. I wouldn't let him touch the food that goes into my mouth after finding that out...

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Saturday 7 May 2011 5:09

I don't know about other guys but I tend not to piss on my hands when I go to the bathroom, and op doesn't say if he washes his hands before he cooks.

borkchop1992 15

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Saturday 7 May 2011 1:03

i love the taste of poop jizz and pee in my food too!

bubblesandbeatle 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 1:03

Gross!

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Saturday 7 May 2011 1:04

At least he cooks for you! If you don't like it then cook your own meal! Gosh!

WitchyArmyWife00 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 2:45

yeah at least he cooks right? so what if you get hep A it's the thought that counts.

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Saturday 7 May 2011 3:01

yeah what's the worst that could happen, coughing up a pube ball.

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Saturday 7 May 2011 1:05

tht is just gross.. u shuld cook mre often now

staceysgenesis16 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 3:46

what if OP doesnt cook ??? hmm ??? :O

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 4

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 271

You deserved it 726

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 645

You deserved it 819