Today, I was at my friend's dorm eating supper. He and all his... - FML

By NiHao - 28/9/2009 03:16 - Canada

Today, I was at my friend's dorm eating supper. He and all his roommates are Chinese, and since I'm majoring in Chinese, I could understand what they were talking about. Too bad none of his friends knew that, and talked about banging me while I was sitting there. FML

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Dangling modifier

Mind your own beeswax

Great speech, thanks!

By idiocy Trumps reason - 10/8/2016 15:32 - United States - Mission

Today, a customer made a huge scene at work because all of our reading glasses are made in China, and apparently any "moral" person should be repulsed by that. FML

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By Motorless - 8/9/2017 01:30

Today, after months of riding a bike through the rain, I finally saved up enough for a car. It was a little aged, but ran fine. That is, until a tire blew out, the engine stalled, and the battery died within one week. FML

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By Smashed - 15/11/2009 23:16 - United States

Today, when I walked up to my car, all my windows were smashed. Thankfully, all I keep in my car is jumper cables, a pen, my car insurance and manual. Whoever smashed my windows apparently was pissed, 'cos they left a note saying "F**k you and your f**king station wagon". FML

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By anonya - 28/8/2012 04:43 - United States - Madera

Today, I made the mistake of telling my dentist that my dog died. She spent the next half-hour talking about her pets and how they died. I ended up crying in her dentist's chair. FML

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By Pk45 - 11/11/2011 15:37 - United Kingdom

Today, my young son wanted to rent some movie with talking animals in it for us to watch together. I couldn't say no, but talking animal movies freak me out big time, I either start to cry or feel nauseous. Especially ones with dogs. What is wrong with me? FML

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By ouch - 1/12/2016 23:38 - United Kingdom - Scarborough

Today, my 4-month-old puppy made a break for it as soon as I opened the front door. I had to run after her barefoot, in just my dressing gown. It was raining. I fell over, forgot to break my fall and skidded along the unsurfaced road. She came back on her own while I was was laid on the floor. FML

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By tommy3824 - 20/8/2009 12:45 - United States

Today, was the first day all week I got to sleep in. I woke up this beautiful morning to the sun shining in my window and hundreds of carpenter ants crawling over my sheets and me. FML

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By edavis1993 - 6/10/2015 15:29 - United States - Milford

Today, my clinical instructor told me to stop being so negative, to get over myself, and to focus on nursing school. I'm only distracted because 3 days ago I was told I might have colon cancer. FML

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By amy1023 - 26/11/2009 10:18 - United States

Today, I complained to my boyfriend that I was stressed out. He asked me then "What do you have to be stressed out about?" I work 50 hours a week and go to school full time. I ask him what was stressful about his day, he told me that his "kill/death ratio went down on Call of Duty". FML

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By oh no - 29/1/2013 14:51 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I went to the grocery store with my boyfriend. I wasn't feeling well so I wasn't paying too much attention to his usual antics. Since he thought I was ignoring him, he decided to grab me roughly by the stomach to give me a hug. I ended up puking right in the middle of the aisle. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2009 10:32 - United States

Today, I was insulted online by a teenager who said that I was probably a fat loser that still lives with their mother and a couple of cats. They were right. FML

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By FullOfNick - 10/9/2011 07:11 - United States

Today, I realized too late that a picture in my school Powerpoint presentation of thousands of New Zealand sheep, was actually a picture of thousands of naked men in a field. FML

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By Hahamaster333 - 28/3/2013 01:02

Today, I was at the pool when I saw a man eating the food I had ordered near my seat. I immediately ran up to him and asked him to stop stealing my food. I took the food away and threw it in the trash. Seconds later the attendant came out with my actual food. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2014 13:17 - United States - Fort Myers

Today, I had to take my husband's laptop to University for an in-class exam. I opened the screen, and loud porn started to auto-play. The silence in the class was deafening as I tried to make it stop. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2020 02:00

Goldfinger

Today, I found out my boyfriend doesn’t think it’s important to wipe after he poops. FML

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By anonymas - 29/1/2010 15:29 - Norway

Today, I found out my dad bought an iPhone. I've spent the better part of the last six months teaching him how to check his email and online newspapers. FML

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By thatsjustgreat - 25/1/2009 00:27 - United States

Today, I was trying to be-friend a boy who was sitting alone. He had his gameboy nearly plastered to his eyes. I, cleverly, say to him, "Geeze don't put that thing so close, your eyes will fall out!" He took off his sunglasses, eyes going crooked, and said, "I'm legally blind." Insert foot here. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2011 19:54 - Denmark

Today, I realized that trying to fit in with my crush's social circle by acting like one of the lads was a waste of time. All he does is high-five me all the time and tell me every little detail of his latest one night stands. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2011 05:54 - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend in his bedroom. It was getting pretty intense, so he got up to close the door. While he was facing the other way, I took off my bra and sling-shot it so that it would hit him. Right when I let go of it, his mom walked in and it hit her in the face. FML

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By Marie - 11/6/2020 17:12

Reverse psychology

Today, while trying to get my picky daughter to eat her dinner, I pretended to take some of her food and give it to her brother, thinking that would get her to eat it. Instead, she thanked me. FML

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By Gutted. - 21/3/2009 23:04 - United Kingdom

Today, after a hard day's work and emotional argument with my best friend, I sent my boyfriend a text telling him how much I loved him and cherished him in the hopes he would cheer me up with a romantic reply. He said "Sorry, I've only got 8 texts left." FML

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By invisible - 18/3/2016 10:42 - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I realized how invisible I am when our professor was showing us that he knows the names of all the students in our class. When he reached me, he just smiled at me and skipped to the person next to me. I took 3 courses with this guy yet I'm the only one he didn't know the name of. FML

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By Username - 3/6/2011 14:04 - United States

Today, while babysitting I decided to play with a children's puzzle to pass the time. Fifteen minutes in I gave up. The kid then came over and put it together in less than five. There were only ten pieces. FML

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By disappointedjamaican - 31/8/2014 18:44 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I won a gruelling fitness competition, only to find out the mystery prize was a voucher to get 10 free spray tans. I'm black. FML

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By Good sister - 13/10/2011 23:20 - United States

Today, my brother in law got into a fight with my husband. My pregnant sister was yelling at her husband to stop beating my husband up. When I came into the room, I asked why they were fighting. You'll never guess who the real father of my sister's baby is. FML

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By radioinvader - 28/10/2012 12:29 - Canada - Kingston

Today, my coworker and I were sitting and eating lunch. We noticed a little kid kept staring at us, and every time we looked away he would come a little bit closer. When he was right behind us, I looked and was startled enough to jump. The parents were three tables down laughing uncontrollably. FML

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By Insanity - 9/4/2015 05:28 - France - La Poste

Today, I managed to get my 4-year-old son to agree that, "cigarettes are poop." I was a lot less proud of myself when he pointed at a 6-foot bodybuilder-type dude in the subway and yelled, "That man smells of pooooooop." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2014 20:55 - United States - Gardner

Today, I got my wedding photos back. The only decent picture of my husband and me together also featured a fat guy in a crop top behind us. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2017 19:00 - United States - Higginsville

Today, I was home from college and went to eat at a local mexican place. The manager started yelling at me about an unpaid tab. Apparently, my dad likes to drink there and skipped on his tab. Again. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2015 05:24 - France

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's scared because her period is late, and that they're usually on time. Five hours late apparently. FML

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By mysterygurll1234567 - 20/1/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, I was fired from my job. The reason? My boss didn't feel comfortable paying his son's girlfriend. FML

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By whereismyprince? - 18/12/2013 17:01 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I met a great guy at the bar, and we went back to my place. He left before I woke up, leaving a badly-scrawled note saying, "Gone to work, call me!" I couldn't make out the number. FML

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By ohseven6421 - 3/9/2010 04:13 - United States

Today, I decided to drive my mothers Bentley. She is out of town and told me not to go near the car. Being 17, I didn't listen. As I was backing out the driveway, I was hit by an SUV, seriously damaging my moms car. Who was driving the SUV? My mom, coming home early. FML

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By footscratching - 28/1/2012 06:27 - United States

Today, my wife and I were getting intimate for the first time in several months. Then we heard our son yelling from the other room needing my help. He needed me to scratch his foot because the cat was on his lap and he couldn't reach it. FML

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By club goer - 20/2/2013 19:48 - Canada

Today, I uploaded a new Facebook profile photo, which got over 20 likes in the space of an hour. The most I've ever gotten before was 10. Surprised, I went to check my picture again, only to notice two guys were sarcastically flipping me the bird in the background. FML

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By Username - 9/2/2011 03:27

Today, I got mugged. But luckily I had on my keyring the pepper spray that my husband had insisted I keep with me. Unlucky for me, my husband's co-worker, who borrowed my keys, emptied my pepper by spraying it on a brick wall one day when he was bored. FML

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By unemployed - 10/3/2009 02:00 - United States

Today, as I was bagging groceries, I looked down to see a 6-year-old urinating on my shoes and the floor next to me. I told his mother that he should take her kid to the restroom, only to be told to "mind my own goddamn business." I was later fired for arguing with the customer. FML

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By KaD - 21/5/2017 16:00

Today, I lost my dream job after a week, after being told, "When I hired you, I wasn't honest. I wasn't looking to hire an examiner, I wanted someone to replace me so I can retire in a year. I don't have time to train you for that." FML

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By anonymous - 26/6/2016 03:50 - United States - Knoxville

Today, my boyfriend invited me over to his house. I was planning on breaking up with him while at his house. Turns out, it was a proposal party. I'm now engaged because it would've been rude to say no in front of his family that had flown in. FML

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By ifhehadadickforaheaditdbefuckingsmall - 10/3/2013 18:50 - Cyprus - Strovolos

Today, my husband was arrested for having sex in public. FML

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Top comments

By Bloodknight | 22

#591295 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:28

Take it as a compliment, haha!

By xoxcinderellaxox | 0

#591398 - Monday 28 September 2009 11:00

i would have surprised them by speaking to them in chinese and tell them an awesome comeback to shut them up then walked right out.

COMMENTS

By kurogane_fml | 0

#591261 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:13

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

youaresofucked | 0

#593924 - Tuesday 29 September 2009 12:39

Yeah OP. If someone is taking about banging you, you should feel great.

I love people to talk about screwing me once in a while.

Reply

lizzilla8297 | 2

#1129062 - Friday 23 July 2010 17:01

you shouldve just burst into their conversation in perfect Chinese.

Reply

imway2sexy4u | 0

#1152749 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 16:54

op you shoulda said im sorry i dont like asian chodes inside of me =D

Reply

ZTB13 | 4

#1713930 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 15:04

GANGBANG!!!!

Reply

dakins | 0

#2531184 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 23:58

ur disturbing

Reply

iilopez | 0

#2783783 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 7:29

I would of said something in Chinese to them I can understand you assholes and left

Reply

gress269 | 4

#3969456 - Tuesday 31 January 2012 3:47

I would've just joined the conversation and been like: "Ha, yea, totally!"

By sevenalive | 0

#591282 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:22

not a fml at all. it would be a fml if they were insulting you.

Reply

T9FTW | 20

#5006480 - Friday 5 October 2012 8:35

They were probably gonna rape her...
Nah, OP just can't take a compliment

By Bloodknight | 22

#591295 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:28

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

scotty1234 | 0

#1384232 - Friday 10 September 2010 21:28

your 19 or 20 so why are you drinking

Reply

101autie | 0

#2327350 - Monday 11 April 2011 0:17

Ddamn mayb i know why... cus he lives in fucking Vvvvvvvegas!!!! who doesnt!
or maybe its fake.... doubt that tho bitch

Reply

cmw_69 | 3

#2676091 - Tuesday 14 June 2011 3:41

83- they weren't drinking smart one they were eating dinner , so you just knew, huh?

Reply

Caitlyn36 | 8

#3024252 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 22:05

hes talkin about 5, idiot.

Reply

ZoeElizabeth | 0

#4314455 - Tuesday 17 April 2012 1:29

He is 21 dumb ass. Look on his profile.

Reply

MidnightKnight | 6

#5014936 - Sunday 7 October 2012 17:48

109- That comment was posted two years ago, he obviously wasn't 21 then.

Reply

Riku714 | 25

#5708240 - Tuesday 8 October 2013 15:41

If I could type it, I would snap my fingers.
Oh wait.
*snaps fingers* oh no she didn't!

By debo123 | 0

#591321 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:41

I wouldn't be so upset at that.

By PublicEnemy961 | 0

#591328 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:44

lame

By Mx_Rider | 6

#591335 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:47

HAH! this is not an fml. good for u they think ur hot nowww time for a gang bang! :D

Reply

madgrinchhatter | 12

#3580295 - Sunday 13 November 2011 15:43

You might be right. Google "college girl gangbanged chinese guys".

By cocky | 0

#591342 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:54

You should've responded in Chinese by saying, "Too bad I wouldn't feel your tiny Asian dicks!" Buhahahaha.

Reply

diet_otaku | 0

#591581 - Monday 28 September 2009 14:45

haha yes! the best thing to do in those situations is to join the conversation in the language they're speaking.

alternately, if they're hot, get some chinese dickings. :9

Reply

mangotron | 0

#592097 - Monday 28 September 2009 20:11

lol pwnt

Reply

james0310 | 0

#826578 - Friday 5 February 2010 5:55

good point... lol

Reply

toomanynouns | 0

#979065 - Monday 12 April 2010 20:36

Excellent response!

Reply

MudPuddleMica | 0

#988500 - Wednesday 5 May 2010 5:03

win!

Reply

NeOnBluRrYyRaiiN | 0

#1921899 - Sunday 2 January 2011 23:07

score.! more like it

Reply

UsernameInCanada | 7

#4638802 - Sunday 1 July 2012 19:40

Chinese is not a language. There are many different languages in China, the most popular bring mandarin and Cantonese, which she probably spoke.

Reply

Fooey_214 | 12

#5237351 - Tuesday 11 December 2012 14:08

Nobody cares

By cmac86 | 23

#591345 - Monday 28 September 2009 9:55

and the problem here is?....

By Mx_Rider | 6

#591350 - Monday 28 September 2009 10:02

lmfao number 10

By kadeouir | 0

#591374 - Monday 28 September 2009 10:29

If one of them was your friend y didn't he know u major in Chinese?

Reply

i_love_grrr | 0

#2131822 - Monday 28 February 2011 6:37

trur

Reply

AlaskanBabyDoll | 11

#3970977 - Tuesday 31 January 2012 9:57

It says "Too bad none of his FRIENDS knew that."
Learn to read.

Reply

lil_ham1644 | 29

#5979770 - Wednesday 18 June 2014 18:18

Yes, but why would her friend let them continue if he knew she understood?

Reply

ddlovatolover | 23

#6043817 - Thursday 21 August 2014 5:50

Because it's fun, duh, and there's no harm done.