By grandlisleguy - United States - Colchester

Pinky

Today, I was at the office making copies for a project. As I left the copy room my dress pants caught a sharp something on the door frame and ripped open my pants. All my co-workers saw my pink boxer briefs. Now I'm called "Pinky" by everyone. FML

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

This Charming Man

#1 Dad of the day

By xXangelaXx - United States

Today, my beloved pet chicken ran away from home. I got so distraught that my dad offered to buy me dinner. Specifically, KFC. FML

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By hitintheeye - Canada

Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML

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By leilei - Philippines

Today, I refused to ride with a friend on a motorcycle because it is unsafe and went to take the bus. As I got off the bus, I got hit by a speeding motorcycle and ended up in hospital. FML

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By cutiekenz21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's mother walked in on us having sex. He started crying and ran into the bathroom where my clothes were located, leaving me to deal with his mother. Naked. FML

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By mlove - United States

Today, my future mother-in-law finally admitted that I'm "not the girl for her son" and that she will do anything to break us up. FML

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By Addianna - Canada - Edmonton

Today, and every day this week, my office mate has decided to "liven up the place" by singing and whistling Christmas tunes and other unknown songs. She has zero musical ability. FML

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By Eganstein - United States - Denver

Today, my girlfriend came over to a family game night. Halfway through a game of Klingon Monopoly, my drunk parents started arguing because apparently, while my dad was in jail, he cheated on my mom with a Klingon whore. I doubt my girlfriend will ever visit again. FML

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By Eric John Los - United States - Haydenville

Today, I wore a coat that was too tight. The button gave way and quickly flew about ten feet to hit my very attractive new coworker right in the ass. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was heading home after getting off work at 5 in the morning, when a deer slid out in front of my car. Not jumped. Slid. Thanks, winter. FML

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By Andrew - United States - Blackwood

Today, I heard my ten-year-old brother say, "Are hamburgers a reptile?" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Tracadie

Today, one of my friends posted on Facebook saying if you're held up at an ATM, putting your PIN in backwards will alert the cops. I pointed out it's an urban legend, and asked how it'd work if their PIN was the same backwards. He drove over and beat the crap out of me. FML

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By haileelouxxx - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my boss slapped me across the face with a raw chicken breast. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boston

Today, the girl I like sent me a nude photo of herself. Being a photographer, all I could think about was how grainy the photo was, and the various ways it could be fixed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Metairie

Today, I was walking to school with my earphones in, when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I was shocked, and whirled around to hit him in the crotch. I soon realized he was just trying to return the commuter pass I'd dropped at the station. FML

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By oww - United States

Today, I went to a baseball game. It was windy, so I decided to get my hat from the car trunk. When I opened it and reached in, loose papers started flying everywhere. Panicked, my dad slammed the trunk shut on my fingers. Entering the stadium, I discovered it was free hat day. FML

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By sari14 - United States

Today, I was standing at the top of the stairs petting my dog. The doorbell rang and my dog bolted down the stairs, tripping me. I fell down the whole flight of stairs backwards. Turns out the person at the door was my brother who had locked himself out. I almost died for no reason. FML

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By starcatch777 - United States

Today, I blacked out going up a roller coaster. Instead of helping me, my friend took pictures of my face and posted them on Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to tell the guy I liked how I felt by making him a mixed CD. Confident, I gave it to him. After class, I went to the trash can to throw some paper away. I saw my mixed CD in the trash. FML

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By useless pos - Australia - Sydney

Today, I went out to buy a bottle of wine and some condoms. As the cashier scanned the condoms, she snickered and muttered, "Yeah right." She was right; I really was just desperate to look like I have a sex life. I got so upset that I left my items and walked out with tears in my eyes. FML

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By killme - Canada - Belleville

Today, I had to pee in a cup. The cup almost overflowed. My first instinct was to drink some so it didn't spill. FML

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By atalose - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, my college professor said that anyone who misses the final next week automatically fails, "even if their grandmother died." My grandmother, the woman who raised me, died last night and her funeral is next week. Same day as the final. Across the country. FML

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By Why - United States - Marlborough

Today, my husband cheated on me. In my house. While I was home. FML

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By sickness and health my sphincter - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my 2-year-old daughter and my 27-year-old husband both woke me up in the early hours of the morning. Their complaints were the same: they'd both wet the bed. FML

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By sales ham - United States

Today, I was reciting lines for a play that I'm in. It was going great, until I realized that I was actually reciting my scripted sales pitch from my telemarketing job. FML

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By norestforthewicked

Today, my family and I discovered that my sleepwalking has escalated into sleep-raiding-the-fridge, after I woke up on my kitchen floor in a puddle of melted ice cream, surrounded by my parents, brother, and dogs. Apparently my recent dieting plans aren't going over too well with my subconscious. FML

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By Wititipwitpwit - France

Today, I broke the glass of the photocopier trying to photocopy my ass. My boss will be here in five hours. She'll know it was me. I'm the only night guardian. FML

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By noname - United States - Alexandria

Today, I found out that my fellow marching band mates all refer to me as the "short girl with big tits" because none of them can remember my name. FML

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By lorena_v

Not fair!

Today, one of my teachers yelled at me for being two minutes late to class. He was so concerned with my punishment that he didn't notice the four other people that walked in after me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

She's right, you know

Today, I was babysitting some kids and helping them make a poster about insects. They couldn't think of any more insects to add so I suggested a spider, and got told to "not be a dumbass, spiders aren't insects they're arachnids." The girl is six. FML

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By lame-o-prof - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was marking exams. I then had to explain to many of the students that (a) pigs are not aquatic animals and (b) sharks do not have lungs. These are university students. FML

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By dypshyyt - United States

Today, I went to my weekly AA meeting. It was a huge crowd and I was the guest speaker. Not 5 minutes into my speech, I was booed off stage and banned from further attendance because I accidentally wore a Jack Daniel's shirt. FML

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By scottishoatmeal - United Kingdom - Auchterarder

Today, it's been about 8 months since I moved into my studio flat. It was already furnished, there was no bed but a fancy bedseat from Ikea. I slept uncomfortably on it for months until I realised it pulls out to become a double bed. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years proposed to me. I wasn't expecting anything too romantic, but I would have liked something more than an email from Facebook, requesting my confirmation that we were engaged. FML

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By loserface23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years asked me to marry him so that we can consolidate our student loans. FML

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By jack the ripped - United States

Today, while examining my busted nose in the mirror, I had a sneeze attack. Now it looks like someone got their throat slashed in my bathroom. FML

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By xXEndlesslullabyXx - United States

Today, my grandmother's excuse for not going to my college graduation was because she'd already bought her bingo card. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2020 02:01

Does this smell bad?

Today, I spent a full two minutes doing nothing but sniffing my computer. Don't worry, it was in the living room and my roommate definitely saw me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working in my pharmacy, a patient told me that he sometimes wants to jump the counter and skin me alive. He has no more refills, and his doctor is out of town for the week. FML

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By no cake for me - United States - Jackson Heights

Today, my best friend told me that I wasn't invited to her wedding, saying that I was too pretty and that I would outshine her at the ceremony. I laughed and said that she was being ridiculous. She eventually confessed the real reason why I wasn't invited: apparently I'm an annoying bitch. FML

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By Fmycatslife - United States

Today, I got my cat stuffed after her death. I brought her home and set her down by my couch. I guess my dog thought it was a new chew toy. FML

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Top comments

By bobsanction | 16

#7879518 - Tuesday 4 February 2020 5:12

Take it up with human resources. It's very unacceptable for coworkers to be commenting on your underpants.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7879520 - Tuesday 4 February 2020 5:52

Narf! Poit!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7879506 - Tuesday 4 February 2020 4:06

You probably ought to look for another job.

You've lost the respect of your coworkers over your weird underwear.

By bobsanction | 16

#7879518 - Tuesday 4 February 2020 5:12

Take it up with human resources. It's very unacceptable for coworkers to be commenting on your underpants.

Reply

mas12806 | 22

#7879804 - Wednesday 5 February 2020 5:11

Let’s start w/ telling HR about the dangerous doorframe

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7879520 - Tuesday 4 February 2020 5:52

Narf! Poit!

Reply

Sarah Kryski-Kenny | 3

#7879819 - Wednesday 5 February 2020 6:00

Gee Brain what do you want to do tonight? The same thing we do every night Pinky, TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

Reply

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7879828 - Wednesday 5 February 2020 6:13

Who downvoted Rob Paulsen? Show yourself, coward! You deserve a smack!

By slowhandjp | 16

#7879560 - Tuesday 4 February 2020 9:13

You got a nice nickname👍

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7879708 - Tuesday 4 February 2020 19:17

On the bright side it was not a commando training day.

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7879800 - Wednesday 5 February 2020 4:19

It would be funny if it was and he still got the name "Pinky."

By EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7880089 - Wednesday 5 February 2020 21:48

that's not so bad. it's just a wavelength of light. it didn't represent anything about you as a person.