Miscellaneous: Today, I found an obituary clipping on my kitchen table. It was... - FML

By depresso - Canada

Today, I found an obituary clipping on my kitchen table. It was for my grandpa. No one told me he died. FML

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Proactive

Cartoon villain

The one with the asshole friend

By cmoney6452 - United States

Today, I'm so sick that I'm drinking fluids just to make it hurt less when I puke. FML

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By EveOnRoad

Today, my boyfriend of 9 years rode with his mother after boot camp graduation. She acts more like a jealous lover than a mom, so I'm currently chasing them all over Chicago in a blizzard, with her refusing to stop the car so he can see me. FML

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By damn cats

Today my cat watched me clean and refill his water bowls, then shoved his fresh-out-of-the-litter-box paw in my glass of water. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Clarksville

Today, after finally spending the night with my longtime crush, it's as if I can still feel her fingers caressing my hair. But wait, no, that's just the head lice she gave me. FML

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By jonnah - Canada

Today, I told my boyfriend I love him. His response? "Is that why you have been so clingy and annoying lately?" FML

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By kaipodable - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that I can no longer sleep over at his house because his cat doesn't like it. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was walking through Macy's with my girlfriend. I stopped to admire a mannequin's ass, joking with my girlfriend like I was touching it. Then I slapped it. It wasn't a mannequin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I confided to my dad that since the recent breakup with my boyfriend of 3 months, I feel down all the time and life doesn't feel worth living anymore. His loving advice was for me to "grow the fuck up and get your sentimental head out of la-la land." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to find that my cat had knocked over a $35 can of powdered baby formula, and there were TWO different colonies of ants warring over the bounty all over the counter. FML

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By sexisntfun - United States

Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, with whom I am genuinely in love. Right after I'd got the condom on, she said, "You do know this is break-up sex, right?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tulsa

Today, I enjoyed a romantic evening at home with my husband while a babysitter took care of my 5-year-old daughter. After she came home, she told me the sitter let her use her "weird swing." I wasn't too worried, until she said it was indoors, and I realized she was describing a sex swing. FML

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By just outdone - United States - Turtle Lake

Today, I've been staying with my parents while I have time off from school. They got drunk and started an entire family fight because my dad made pizza and my mom is lactose intolerant. She insists my dad did it on purpose because "he's an asshole and knows I can't eat cheese." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I'm on a train, feeling good because I got upgraded to first class. The man opposite me just slid me a note saying, "Wee plooky cunt, fuck off!" Charming. FML

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By CollegeKid

Today, I was in the hospital for 12 hours with unbearable stomach pain. Apparently I have a horrible infection in my intestines and colon. My mom is now accusing me of having anal sex and allowing a man to ejaculate into my bum. My great-grandma believes her. FML

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By EchoDearEcho - Australia

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. My mother turned to me and said, "Wait you're actually gay? I thought you were just saying that to piss off your father." I came out to her when I was 16, and have confided in her about my past relationships. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I went to the airport with my mom, who requested a wheelchair for me, since I have a broken leg. I'm 24. Embarrassed, I insisted I push myself around, instead of an airline assistant doing it. A few seconds later, I crash into the same airline assistant, who then falls back into my lap. FML

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By cheerymama - United States

Today, I did my old "toe-touch" cheerleading move to try to impress my 5-year-old daughter. When I landed, I broke my toe. FML

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By feeling fed up - United Kingdom - Dundee

Today, I spent hundreds of pounds buying my best friend concert tickets to see our favourite band, complete with a meet and greet. I drove over very excited to pick her up to take her. She had already left. With her boyfriend. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Upper Darby

Today, it was my birthday, so when I woke up, I came downstairs yelling, "ALL I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAY, IS A BIG BOOTY HOE," only to find that my family had thrown me a surprise party. All my grandparents were at the bottom of the stairs. FML

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By Kate

Today, my 5-year-old cousin came over. We were on the trampoline in my backyard when he fell off and started crying and screaming. While I was trying to comfort him, my mom came out yelling at me for "pushing him off the trampoline" and grounded me for a month. FML

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By sweatstreaks - United Kingdom

Today, I noticed that when I sweat I smell like bacon. I'm a vegetarian. FML

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By tukkies - South Africa

Today, my friend and I offered a hot girl a lift home from campus. I was sitting in the passenger seat and she climbed in behind me. As I adjusted my seat forward to give her more leg room, my friend pulled off - slamming my seat back into her legs. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to the funeral of my friend's brother. It was the first funeral I'd gone to, and I was really nervous. When the service finished, everyone went to pay their respects to the family. After I paid mine, they said, "Thank you for coming." I instictively replied, "My pleasure." FML

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By eMmA01 - United States

Today, I was walking into class when the guy i like walked in and said "Gross it smells like grandma in here. What, did someone bathe in their perfume today?" I was the only girl in the room and I just bought new perfume. I thought I smelled good, apparently I didn't. FML

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By RayniDae - United States - Port Clinton

Today, we ran out of our disposal gloves at work. After saying how grossed out I was about having to touch raw chicken with my bare hands, my female boss goes, "Just imagine you're touching yourself. That's what I do." Even more grossed out now. FML

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By Kathryn - Belgium

Today, I was driving my twin daughters to school, when I accidentally honked my horn. I told them it was an accident. One of my kids said she already knew, because I didn't yell "asshole" afterwards. FML

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By broussimousse - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a run with this cute guy I know. I was sweating untractively and profusely so I decided to discretly grab a leaf from a tree and wipe my face with it. A bird had done the same with his ass few minutes ago. FML

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By Shopgirl - Australia

Today, I found a wallet on the train. I called the owner, who said he would come around and pick it up. When he finally did, he looked inside and screamed that his money was missing, and that I was a dirty thief. I never took a cent. He's filing theft charges against me. FML

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By Annoyed Student - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, my English teacher used the word "interpretate" again. This isn't the only mistake she's made though; I've been so frustrated that I've started a list of them. It's over a page long. I'm meant to be learning things from this woman. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Jose

Today, after working out at the gym, I went to grab my bag, and realized that my phone was missing. Panicking, I reached into my pocket, pulled out my phone, and dialed my mom's number to tell her I'd lost it. It took me until the last ring to realize what I was doing. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Kettering

Today, my roommate wants to kick me out because I can't afford to pay my share of the rent this month. I couldn't afford to, because I had to pay for repairs to my car after my roommate got drunk, stole my keys, and crashed it into a street light. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Jose

Today, I complimented a player in a game who protected my ass the whole match. As a joke, I told them to marry me. Turned out the person was a horny 40-something lesbian stalker who spent the next 5 hours sending me pictures and trying to find out where I live. FML

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By thesaddestsoup - Macedonia - Stip

Today, my long-distance relationship ended. The only thing my dad had to say to comfort me was that he hopes my phone bills will, "go back to normal now." FML

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By confused - United States

Today, I went on a date for the first time in eight months. He didn't make a move. I then asked if we were on a date. He said, "I don't know, I guess." I can't tell either. FML

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By onlywantuanyway

Double standards

Today, my boyfriend again told me how he wants to have an open relationship. Of course, this means he can do what he likes with anyone, but if I so much as kiss someone else, I'm a cheating slut. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I opened my email expecting to see messages from my friends and family wishing me a happy birthday, but there were none. There were Happy Birthday messages from Pizza Hut and Victoria's Secret, however. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, as a public defender, my client was actually innocent for once. I intended to utterly destroy the prosecution's case and demonstrate his good character. That plan went straight to hell when he showed up heavily intoxicated. FML

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By Kira - Canada - Halifax

Today, I was spending some time alone out in the countryside, when I glanced at my boot. I saw a snake, screamed, ran like hell for my car, tripped over my own feet, and smashed my kneecaps. Upon further inspection, I realized the "snake" was my loose shoelace. FML

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By Shan007tjuuh - Netherlands

Today, I got up at 4:30 am, went to my job as the newspaper guy. Nobody was there to open the door, it was raining and I was freezing. I decided to wait, because I really wanted my salary. At 6 o'clock my boss opens the door and says, "Oh, it's you. Well, you're fired. We can't pay you anymore." FML

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By Mexican - United States - Chicago

Today, after two weeks of trying to convince my parents to go to my high school graduation. They finally gave in. After they handed me my diploma, they decided to leave because it was "too boring." I'm currently sitting on the curb of the street waiting for my Uber, while people take pictures of me. FML

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Top comments

By le_lauren | 0

#29857 - Friday 13 March 2009 16:22

You have no idea how many times that has happened to me. Not just with death, but with like people in my family becoming pregnant, my aunt getting engaged, my uncle proposing to his girlfriend, and many other things. My mom doesn't tell me anything. And my dad's just oblivious hahaha.

By catladylovessus | 0

#29819 - Friday 13 March 2009 16:04

that is terrible
i'm sorry

COMMENTS

By catladylovessus | 0

#29819 - Friday 13 March 2009 16:04

that is terrible
i'm sorry

Reply

birdfreak | 24

#1188661 - Wednesday 4 August 2010 18:28

I'm sorry.

Reply

mydgmax | 0

#2177204 - Sunday 13 March 2011 20:48

op it was your responsibility to know :( but I'm sorry :((

Reply

pmwws | 3

#5626148 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 20:53

How? Do you check daily that you grandpa is dead?

Reply

wilber245 | 16

#6161213 - Saturday 3 January 2015 2:50

Your suppose to google that everyday, duh.

Reply

ThuNDeY | 23

#6248308 - Tuesday 31 March 2015 7:38

No, I don't think that was necessary. No one does that.

By bennkerr | 0

#29823 - Friday 13 March 2009 16:07

I'm so sorry!

By le_lauren | 0

#29857 - Friday 13 March 2009 16:22

You have no idea how many times that has happened to me. Not just with death, but with like people in my family becoming pregnant, my aunt getting engaged, my uncle proposing to his girlfriend, and many other things. My mom doesn't tell me anything. And my dad's just oblivious hahaha.

By guernica_fml | 0

#29870 - Friday 13 March 2009 16:34

Today I found out my dad went to watch the golf. He left a few days ago, and no one told me.

By Jimboom | 11

#29881 - Friday 13 March 2009 16:44

Ouch. Thats gotta hurt

By u2fanatic2012 | 0

#29882 - Friday 13 March 2009 16:44

ouch. I am sorry. that's harsh.

By firstnlast77 | 0

#29884 - Friday 13 March 2009 16:47

wow how do you click he deserved that one some people are jerks

By Zirafina | 0

#29908 - Friday 13 March 2009 17:09

Could be worse. I Googled myself last year for fun and found my grandmother's obituary. She had died months before that. No one had told anyone in my immediate family, including my father, her son.

By bread_fml | 0

#29942 - Friday 13 March 2009 17:44

Sounds to me like your parents just found a crappy way of telling you.

By theonlyother | 0

#29980 - Friday 13 March 2009 18:20

I'm sorry.