By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Not funny

Today, while having lunch with my grandparents, my grandpa's eyes glazed over, his head fell and he slumped in his chair. I started panicking and almost cried, thinking he was dead. Then he laughed and said "Just kidding. I'm fine." FML

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26988

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Miscellaneous

Cloth ears

Out of the frying pan

Public transport FTW

By Anonymous

Today, my brother has two broken arms and needs help wiping his own ass. Bonus, he has bad diarrhoea from the food poisoning he got from the shrimp he made me hand-feed him yesterday. FML

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1868

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152

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Still got game

Today, I listened to my voice mail messages for the first time in months. One was from my Grandma that must have been meant for Gramps. I think I know now why my mother has so many siblings. FML

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25295

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2128

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By dadum - Australia

Creeped out

Today, I had a stranger scream at me that I was a whore and I was trying to steal her boyfriend. She then said my full name, stating my previous hair colour, my recent activities and that her boyfriend had been my year nine dance partner. I officially have a stalker. FML

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42426

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By Monkey - United States

Today, I woke up to my English bulldog standing over me, getting ready to pee. I didn't move in time. FML

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33580

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5475

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By Boyufd - 19/6/2021 00:01

Who are you?

Today, it was my birthday. Also today, same as the past five years, my family forgot my mine and threw a party for my 5-year-old twin sisters who I share a birthday with. FML

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218

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By bbt

Today, out of the 35 people invited, only one person showed up to my bridal shower. It was my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3258

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308

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By m - United States - South Whitley

Today, my mom's intense fear of tornadoes caused her to break into the bathroom, drag me off the toilet while I was changing my tampon, and drag me to the basement with my pants around my ankles to join my father, brother, and my brother's best friend. FML

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38133

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1992

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By rs - Egypt

Today, after watching Hulk with my friends, we spent a good half hour discussing exactly how enlarged Bruce Banner's package would be in his Hulk state. I couldn't hide my excitement, and now my friends won't stop teasing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8511

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25287

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By gemtas5 - Sweden - Malm?

Today, while sorting through my clothes, I found one of my ex's old sweaters. After a lot of thought and difficulty, I threw it out. I felt empowered, until my father later rifled through my trash and claimed the sweater for himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43542

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3943

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to an early Christmas present on my car. It was a nicely wrapped box containing a dead bird, a half eaten sandwich, and a note reading "MERRY F**KING CHRISTMAS STAN." This will probably be my only Christmas present. My name is Luke. FML

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30970

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2402

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I broke my toe. After telling my friend about it, he promptly stomped on it to "see what my reaction would be." FML

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34363

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3496

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By Anonymous - United States - Tyler

Today, a customer at my coffee shop bitched me out because we don't sell cranberry juice. FML

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22778

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1762

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By HereWeGoAgain

Romance in Appalachia

Today, my mother beamingly asked for my opinion on her wedding dress. She is engaged to her cousin. Conveniently, they already have the same last name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4057

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293

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By Anonymous - Iraq

Today, I had to pull guard duty. I had to guard the latrine because somebody likes to stuff whole toilet paper rolls in the toilet to clog it. Only six more months in Iraq. FML

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37182

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3671

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By Chandra - Canada - Brampton

Thank God it's Monday tomorrow

Today, I had to pee at work. I ended up using all the toilet paper. When I opened the door to leave, a dude was waiting to use the washroom. I told him there was no more toilet paper. He goes, “You finished all of it?” I panicked and said, “No, I didn’t use any!” FML

I agree, your life sucks

1489

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564

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By WTF

It burns

Today, after my 22-year-old son realized that there was no more contact solution, he decided to use tequila because he thought it would "kill the germs." We had to go to the hospital to have his eyes flushed out. I raised this moron. FML

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47422

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12519

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By nostamp - United States

Today, I rushed to the post office to mail an important document for the study abroad program that I'd applied for, which was due in a few days. Just as the envelope slipped out of my hand and into the mail box, I caught a glimpse of the upper right corner where there was supposed to be a stamp. FML

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18267

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39158

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By hwood - United States

Today, my Grandmother was sent to the ER. My family blamed it on her being allergic to my cats, making me feel guilty. She just called me to tell me the test results informed her that she is actually allergic to the carrot cake they got her. I gave my cats away 15 minutes ago to a little girl. FML

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46402

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8175

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By PokeTheBear - Canada

Today, my coworkers decided to play a game of "Who Can Piss the Boss Off the Most". I opted not to play, but I still won. FML

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50524

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5699

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By huwauw - United States

Today, I was doing my homework on the computer when my dad walked by with a plate of food, threw his fork at me, and said "POSTURE!" FML

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27916

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7303

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 23:01 - United States - Wilmington

Home Improvement

Today, I heard what sounded like an explosion from the basement of my house. Turns out my foundation cracked. FML

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886

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By Dan223 - United States

Today, I saw my dad for the first time in almost five years, at his funeral. FML

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32470

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3710

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By Water Daughter - United States

Today, I figured out my 1-year-old daughter likes to dip her hand in our dogs' water bowl, and rub the water on her face. So I put the water bowl out of reach. She then figured out how to open the bathroom door and use the toilet instead. FML

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44131

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4512

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By Anonymous

Today, I was attacked by a bird at 3 in the morning. The bird was being attacked by an owl, and decided the safest place to land wasn't in a tree, but my face. No-one will believe me, despite the 12 stitches across my face. FML

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27920

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2199

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got to drop off my boyfriend at his newest place of residence: jail. FML

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23157

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5132

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By hashtag beard life - 12/10/2020 17:01 - United States

Assumption Day

Today, my 5-year-old daughter said she, “hates daddy’s kisses because they feel funny.” My extended family freaked out and assumed the worse. My husband has recently grown a beard and my daughter hates how scratchy it feels. He’s not a monster but they still treat us weird now. FML

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1264

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By Cameron

Today, I went for dinner and bowling with a woman I met online. The Mexican food was great but my bowels started feeling it during our first game. I slipped on the bowling lane and the impact of my ass hitting the ground made me shit myself. FML

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5194

You deserved it

487

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By "Audrey Harmon"

Today, my sister tackled me by the leg in a game of frisbee. I now know the unique sensation of a knee dislocating. It is not a beautiful one. FML

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4332

You deserved it

259

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By Poor Student - Canada

Today, my mother "borrowed" money from my stash to help pay for her vacation to the Dominican Republic. The same trip I'm not allowed to go on. FML

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33350

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2561

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By Anonymous

Still alive?

Today, after finally having the guts to confess to a guy I have liked for a year now and him saying he also likes me and then asking me out, I went out of my way and traveled 4 hours to meet him. He didn't show up and never apologized. I never heard anything from him. FML

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2504

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274

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By Anonymous

And next on The Voice…

Today, I found out I have a bad singing voice. How? The choir judge decided to yell "STOP! Please just stop!" During my solo. In front of everyone. During the show. FML

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1870

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231

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By Grace

Today, I drove over 3 hours to hook up with a guy I've been talking to for a couple of months. When we start having sex, he lasted less than a minute, and then couldn't get it up again afterwards. I slept uncomfortably the entire night on his twin bed while he snored. FML

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3398

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1313

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By gaggin - United States - Beverly Hills

Today, I woke up to find pieces of a dead spider stuck in my braces. FML

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56071

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3972

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By kharrington - United States

Today, a woman called my work and accused me of having an affair with her husband, my coworker, demanding that my boss discipline me. I don't know her, I barely know her husband, and I haven't had sex in months. FML

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42489

You deserved it

3511

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By snowball - Switzerland

Today, as I left my house, the front door slammed shut behind me, causing an entire roof-length of snow to slide over the edge and land directly on my head. FML

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25057

You deserved it

5755

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was shaving my left armpit when I cut myself badly. I wondered whether or not it would be safe to shave my right armpit, then reasoned that it couldn’t possibly happen twice. It did. FML

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17161

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27881

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I just found out that my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend are rooming together at college. Visits are going to be extremely awkward. FML

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56406

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6723

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By JessBaby - United States

Today, I found out my grandmother passed away. When I told my boyfriend I began to cry. Instead of caring, he said "you're getting my bed wet," rolled over, and fell asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

81868

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6552

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By Anonymous - United States - Gladewater

Bad boy

Today, after weeks of looking for the source of an awful smell in our house, I found out our dog has been climbing over our loft banister, into the attic, and shitting. There were over twenty mounds. It took me almost four hours to clean up, and it still stinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6496

You deserved it

733

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By Gullible - United States - Cleveland

Today, my boyfriend of three years told me he was thinking about us taking a break. After an hour of crying and him saying it would be okay, I accepted it. When I asked when the break would start, he replied, "What are you talking about? I only said I'd thought about it" and then laughed. FML

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42129

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7360

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Top comments

By gosh_mate | 30

#6431381 - Saturday 10 October 2015 8:28

Hahaha that would be terrifying but at least he has a sense of humour.

By JewKnowIt | 19

#6431378 - Saturday 10 October 2015 8:27

Thad drop dead hilarious!...I'll let myself out

COMMENTS

By JewKnowIt | 19

#6431378 - Saturday 10 October 2015 8:27

Thad drop dead hilarious!...I'll let myself out

Yastafari | 16

#6431452 - Saturday 10 October 2015 10:37

Lmao I agree I find that hilarious af ...but maybe I just have a twisted sense of humor lol...your grandpa is awesome OP!

Hunter_the_Ninja | 22

#6431784 - Saturday 10 October 2015 21:36

Why is this an FML? It's just a funny joke.

By gosh_mate | 30

#6431381 - Saturday 10 October 2015 8:28

Hahaha that would be terrifying but at least he has a sense of humour.

By armyant98 | 15

#6431385 - Saturday 10 October 2015 8:30

I would've found this hilarious. Be happy your grandpa still has a good sense of humor.

By Richard6036 | 13

#6431396 - Saturday 10 October 2015 8:37

Wow that's kind of scary has he ever heard the saying don't cry Wolf you may think he's joking the next time when it's serious

By Thatissarcastic | 17

#6431397 - Saturday 10 October 2015 8:38

Future plans to mess with my grandkids.

By LostInTheZone11 | 28

#6431399 - Saturday 10 October 2015 8:39

Nice to see he still has an awesome sense of humor.

By Pinkgal123 | 24

#6431406 - Saturday 10 October 2015 9:00

Oh god, I'm not sure how I would've reacted to that. Awesome sense of humour he's got for his age, though.

By dafluckster | 6

#6431410 - Saturday 10 October 2015 9:08

As a nurse working LTC for a while now, I can appreciate the dark humor, especially as it relates to the elderly lol. Sounds like a fun grandpa to have around!

By WOTAN1488 | 24

#6431413 - Saturday 10 October 2015 9:11

LOL!

By hannah_dl | 11

#6431419 - Saturday 10 October 2015 9:20

Definitely a FML but hilarious. I wish my grandpa was so cool xD