Miscellaneous: Today, I walked into my bathroom, only to find no toilet paper... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 93

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69

You deserved it 5

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 466

You deserved it 124

05/02/2015 15:32

Today, I walked into my bathroom, only to find no toilet paper and a piece of shitty wallpaper in the bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 369

You deserved it 2 783

Empathy lives

Vulture

Fake it til you make it

25/12/2009 20:27

Today, from my girlfriend of five years, I got my clothes back, my engagment ring and a card that says, "Merry Christmas! It's me not you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 522

You deserved it 2 576

15/02/2016 11:04

Today, as I went to kiss my date goodbye and drive home, he mistakenly rammed his thumb across my eye hard enough to push my contact back into my eye socket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 676

You deserved it 1 651

07/09/2018 18:30

Today, I was on a 3-way call with my wife and the bank. The bank said we didn't qualify for school loans, which means I have to drop out. As soon as the bank hung up, my wife stayed on the line to tell me she wants a divorce and that she regrets our marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 770

You deserved it 200

Awks

By Anonymous - 02/09/2013 21:23

Today, I showed up at my brother's house for a visit. Little did I know, there was a family gathering. My best friend was invited and I wasn't. She's "more fun and less awkward" than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 901

You deserved it 3 495

Empathy bypass

By Jason - 17/04/2020 02:00

Today, I worked up the courage to confess my bulimia to my girlfriend of three months. It's a touchy subject for me and I ended up in tears. When I was done talking, I looked up to see my girlfriend's disgusted face. She claimed I had a 'vomit fetish', said I was 'half a man' and broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 380

You deserved it 615

01/08/2013 18:25

Today, my boss suspended me for laughing too hard at my desk and causing a big scene in front of our customers. I was laughing because he'd forwarded me a hilarious email. He was practically smirking as he handed me my official warning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 657

You deserved it 4 515

22/07/2015 16:21

Today, I was taking a piss at a urinal when a fly started harassing me. I got so annoyed, I tried to swat it. Didn't go too well. I ended up losing control of my stream, soaking the guy beside me. He busted my face in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 615

You deserved it 26 516

06/07/2017 11:58

Today, I spent 2 hours scrubbing puke off the dishes in the kitchen. Why? Because my moronic flatmate was dared by his equally moronic friend to drink a bottle of castor oil and then eat an entire jar of marmite. As a result, he projectile vomited all over all the dishes and left me to clean up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 166

You deserved it 436

16/06/2010 23:16

Today, after weeks of looking forward to my birthday trip to the beach, I've come down with a serious case of the flu. My family is still going without me, but at least now they don't have to pay someone to watch the dog. Happy birthday to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 871

You deserved it 2 734

02/02/2010 15:40

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend watching a home made sex tape he had previously made with his ex-girlfriend. What's worse than him jerking off to it? He was crying and hugging a pillow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 090

You deserved it 3 085

15/08/2019 16:04

Today, I went to Auto Zone because my car was having trouble starting, and I thought it was the battery. The guy checked it with their reader, and confirmed it was dying. Right after he put the battery in, my starter died. I had to get my car towed to the shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 511

You deserved it 104

06/10/2009 13:01

Today, I was eating a packet of chips while watching TV. I saw a crumb on the table in front of me, so without thinking I picked it up and ate it. It wasn't a crumb. It was a tick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 529

You deserved it 47 903

23/08/2017 23:15

Today, I had money set out to pay bills, for a gift, and to put in a card as my cousin's wedding gift. I was rushing and not paying attention and ended up putting all of the money in the wedding card. $400 from one person. I guess I'll have no cable or cell phone this month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 985

You deserved it 2 824

25/09/2011 07:23

Today, after months of grueling training and countless early mornings, I finally began the race I had been preparing for over the past year, only to slip and break my leg in the first 450 meters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 215

You deserved it 3 026

13/06/2013 15:13

Today, I tried to lift my girlfriend and spin her around like in a Rom-Com. I started the spin, then heard a pop. The pain caused me to yelp and fall to the floor, dropping her on top of me. I dislocated my kneecap trying to be romantic. She only weighs about 90 lbs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 286

You deserved it 13 655

11/10/2010 04:59

Today, I was playing basketball outside in my driveway. I saw three cute girls walking by, so I thought I would try to show off a little by doing a backwards slam dunk. I jumped, completely missed the rim and hit my head on the backboard. Then my mom ran out to help me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 613

You deserved it 42 194

01/01/2009 08:49

Today, and for the last 8 months my upstairs neighbours have been making a tremendous noise. I finally decided to go up to complain: "The amount of noise you make is unbelievable ! It sounds like you're driving tractors up here!". The woman replies: "My husband is paraplegic..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 655

You deserved it 9 232

14/06/2017 20:00

Today, I was at my job where we buy precious metals. A man came in and said, "Here, I have something special for you." He then pulled a tooth out of his mouth that had dental gold on it and placed in it my bare hand. Yeah, special indeed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 893

You deserved it 295

17/12/2015 15:54

Today, I was hanging out with a guy for the second time, and he was helping me buy a Christmas present for my dad. I excused myself to go to the bathroom, and when I came out, he was gone. He left me alone and took my dad's present with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 381

You deserved it 2 252

27/01/2016 15:35

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend made a patronising post on Facebook, "to all you guys out there" saying how having sex with a drunk person is straight-up, 100% rape. I pointed out that she's had sex with me several times after I've come home drunk. That pissed her off. Now I'm single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 149

You deserved it 5 088

31/05/2015 00:12

Spicy

Today, I got a text from my neighbor complaining about my girlfriend and me being too noisy in bed. I'm at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 897

You deserved it 2 974

First Dates

By sillvy - 13/01/2012 09:32

Today, I was on a date. I noticed he kept looking at my lips. Thinking he wanted to kiss me, I leaned in closer. Disgusted, he pulled away and said, "I'm sorry, but that pimple on your chin is, like, staring at me or something." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 069

You deserved it 5 528

03/12/2012 01:57

Today, I finally summoned the courage to ask my dad to pay me as he promised, after I cut the lawn and cleaned all the house windows last week. His response was, "Get fucked." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 030

You deserved it 3 268

01/06/2011 00:50

Today, my boyfriend refused to take me out on our three year anniversary because he was busy, "training to become a professional gamer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 719

You deserved it 8 629

08/01/2010 16:32

Today, my husband is completely convinced that his taking a massive dump after being constipated is exactly like the time I gave birth to our twins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 182

You deserved it 4 470

22/06/2009 20:06

Today, my boss hired a feng shui consultant for our small office space. I am the only full-time employee besides the owners, and I work as an unpaid intern. My company would rather pay someone to rearrange my desk than pay me to work at it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 058

You deserved it 4 279

18/12/2016 14:55

Today, my 70-year-old boss asked me to order sexy lingerie she saw on the cover a magazine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 239

You deserved it 605

01/03/2013 12:02

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because he didn't trust himself not to cheat on me. What? FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 651

You deserved it 4 141

15/12/2010 17:07

Spicy

Today, I came to the realization I make a living trimming the hair off dogs' privates. I've touched more dog penises than I have human ones, and sometimes the dogs get "excited" while I'm working. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 339

You deserved it 7 034

05/01/2009 10:45

Today, at the supermarket everybody was staring at me. After ten minutes, I realized that my umbrella was still open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 814

You deserved it 19 503

13/10/2012 21:54

Spicy

Today, my husband decided that he simply couldn't exist any longer without giving me his own version of a wet-willy. He creeped up on me as I was sleeping and wiggled his wet penis around in my ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 010

You deserved it 4 188

Falling down

By Ouch - 26/06/2021 11:01

Today, I learned how it feels like when you fall off a second floor balcony with mom's flower pot, landing on your back. My mom got pissed because of her beloved flowers, and gave me a lecture while I rolled on the ground in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 85

20/03/2015 01:06

Spicy

Today, I gave my friend condoms since he didn't have any and he was planning on "getting lucky." Little did I know he was planning on "getting lucky" with my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 529

You deserved it 5 778

13/07/2015 13:56

Today, I woke up early and took my medication to help me focus while catching up on lectures. I ended up spending the whole day focused on fixing my drawer for no apparent reason. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 376

You deserved it 4 053

01/06/2019 00:00

Today, I went to the campus health office because I had some VERY strong pains in my side. I thought my appendix was about to burst. I asked the receptionist for a doctor, but she said they were all out of the office until later, and kindly offered to make me an appointment for mid June. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 677

You deserved it 112

Thin walls

By xtilltheendx - 05/10/2020 20:08

Spicy

Today, I had to have an awkward conversation with my parents when they told me they were able to hear me and my boyfriend having sex at night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 499

You deserved it 1 258

25/03/2011 03:36

Today, I'm babysitting three children under the age of seven. They have no discipline, don't listen, scream all the time, won't nap, terrorize my dog, and have peed their pants a collective 5 times today. I am not getting paid for this. Their mother has no plans to come get them any time soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 606

You deserved it 9 705

05/09/2010 21:51

Today, my father told me to stop purposely singing out of tune because it was annoying. I wasn't doing it on purpose; it's my real voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 398

You deserved it 6 637

06/11/2018 15:30

Today, three days after my "friend" tried to cut all my hair off while I was asleep, she tried to poison me with a random chemical that was under my sink. She then told me she wanted me dead because I touched her senpai. Her senpai is my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 598

You deserved it 245

02/07/2019 16:00

Today, after barely sleeping all week, I tried some ASMR videos to help me fall asleep. Both my dogs and my husband are out cold, snoring so loud I can't even hear the ASMR. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 409

You deserved it 157

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Friday 6 February 2015 0:10

I hope you don't live alone

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Friday 6 February 2015 0:07

Who would use someone's wallpaper?!

Comments

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Friday 6 February 2015 0:03

You know what to do. Start ripping the paper off the walls and join the movement.

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Friday 6 February 2015 0:33

To prove you're a man you wipe with your hand!

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Friday 6 February 2015 2:16

That'll quickly go to shit.

Moklon 18

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Friday 6 February 2015 5:43

My uncle actually used one of my grandmother's wash rags to wipe his ass once, tried to flush it and backed up the water. There was toilet paper too, he said he just liked the feel of the cloth

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Friday 6 February 2015 6:41

What a strange story.

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Friday 6 February 2015 12:14

The bowel movement

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Friday 6 February 2015 0:07

Who would use someone's wallpaper?!

chrishaaansen 13

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Friday 6 February 2015 0:54

I would

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Friday 6 February 2015 3:12

At least it's off the wall and not still on it.

Brandi_Faith 33

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Friday 6 February 2015 6:40

This is hilarious! People tend to panic when there's no toilet paper. The crazy things a normal person would do without tp just make me laugh.

incoherentrmblr 21

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Friday 6 February 2015 8:11

Magazines and newspapers are one thing, but using wallpaper is taking it to a new level...

Kittyphysics 21

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Tuesday 10 February 2015 5:02

who would use their own wallpaper!?

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Friday 6 February 2015 0:08

They were helping you. now you have an excuse to get new wallpaper.

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Friday 6 February 2015 2:42

Hey you do what you need to do right? Lol

UnidentifiedFun 37

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Friday 6 February 2015 0:10

The person couldn't have just asked for any?

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Friday 6 February 2015 2:05

Nah, wallpaper is preferred.

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Friday 6 February 2015 0:10

I hope you don't live alone

feven 32

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Friday 6 February 2015 0:12

I mean in a messed up way that's pretty smart.

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Friday 6 February 2015 0:25

Flawless logic. When you run out of toilet paper you break into someone's house and use their wallpaper to wipe your ass. How is that even remotely smart?

domolovesyoshi 33

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Friday 6 February 2015 0:35

Op never said they lived alone

feven 32

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Friday 6 February 2015 0:39

In my defense I read that like OP had a guest over and the guest used their wallpaper when realizing there was no toilet paper. However I don't in any way support the culprit.

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Friday 6 February 2015 6:43

As a host, I would rather bring more toilet paper (or tissues, napkins, paper towels, SOMETHING) than have a guest or roommate destroy my wallpaper. Yell for help.

kewpiesuicide 29

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Friday 6 February 2015 16:06

If you're desperate enough to wipe with wallpaper, why not use your sock or your underwear? Then thrown in the trash and buy some damn toilet paper

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Friday 6 February 2015 0:13

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

R2Y2 22

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Friday 6 February 2015 0:21

Lil bit of a party op? Either that or talk to any housemates.

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Friday 6 February 2015 0:23

Sounds like you're having a shitty day.

MisterGasMoney 16

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Friday 6 February 2015 0:25

Someone didn't look first...