Today, I had to pee badly. I went into a stall and sat down.... - FML

By penguinsfan - 16/5/2009 14:47 - Canada

Today, I had to pee badly. I went into a stall and sat down. Only until after I'd peed, I realized that I didn't have any toilet paper. I waddled to the next stall with my pants down to get more toilet paper, believing that the bathroom was empty. It wasn't. FML

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Proactive

Headache

Business savvy

By notmycircus - 2/12/2014 05:30 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, the school counselor asked me to leave the grief counseling group for the death of my sister. Apparently, I scare the others. FML

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By SwoopingEagle - 9/6/2017 20:00

Today, my co-workers were laughing at me because I couldn't throw paper into the bin, regardless of how close I was. Annoyed, I tried to prove then wrong by angry throwing paper into the bin that was no less that 1 cm away from me. I missed. FML

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By Abbynyc - 28/9/2014 11:40 - United States - Bay Shore

Today, while running an event, my belt loop got caught in those metal whorls that outdoor chairs have. I couldn't get it undone and had to greet guests by standing up and bringing the chair with me, hanging from my ass. My coworker finally had to cut the belt loop to set me free. FML

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By ugh thanks - 17/8/2014 16:40 - United States - Dayton

Today, I asked my husband to tell me something nice about myself. He thought for a few moments, then said, "Uh, you shit quietly." FML

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By LiliK - 4/2/2017 14:00 - United Kingdom

Today, while suffering from a serious migraine. I have to cook dinner and listen to the singing of two very tone deaf individuals. I'm starting to contemplate sticking forks in my ears. FML

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By englishfail - 15/1/2010 17:39 - United States

Today, I was teaching a class and my student pointed out that I used the wrong "your" while writing on the board. FML

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By mcdman - 19/1/2010 05:00 - United States

Today, one of my employees lit my tie on fire. FML

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By harrypottermuch - 26/11/2009 11:50 - Canada

Today, I found out there's a Harry Potter club at my school. My boyfriend is in it. FML

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By life sucks - 20/5/2010 05:12 - United States

Today, I learned my boyfriend has another girlfriend. His excuse is he's bipolar and each of his personalities needs a girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2009 19:57 - Canada

Today, in the middle of having sex, my boyfriend of two years got a call. After taking the call, he said, "It's an emergency," and that he has to go. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me is wife is going into labour. FML

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By Rellies - 2/5/2019 02:00

Today, my husband is finally fully recovered from getting decompression sickness during our scuba diving vacation. Today is also the day I snapped my femur in half while skiing. FML

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By MissIsabel - 3/11/2010 10:43 - France

Today, I went to Ikea with my family. I was wearing a yellow polo that vaguely looked like the ones the Ikea employees were wearing. Two dozen people came up to me, complaining that I was staring at furniture instead of helping customers. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2014 21:46 - Bosnia and Herzegovina - Tuzla

Today, I wore a sexy nurse's outfit for a little roleplay with my boyfriend. After the main event, he said the sex was actually pretty bad and that he should file a medical malpractice lawsuit. Then he laughed at his own joke, got dressed, and went out for drinks. FML

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By hmb - 16/9/2010 18:50 - United States

Today, my dog used my stomach as a trampoline to jump onto the couch. I wouldn't have minded so much if I wasn't still recovering from having my appendix removed. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2013 10:40 - Australia

Today, I finally got to surprise my boyfriend with a birthday cake. I spent four days planning the perfect one. First thing he says? "Erm, you know I'm 32, right?" I got his age wrong. FML

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By ImAnEngineer - 23/9/2015 17:09 - United States - Canandaigua

Today, my boss quit, leaving me as the only structural engineer at my company. I'm fresh out of college and will have to finish the projects on my own. Hope Google can teach me how to do this. FML

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By greenchan - 25/2/2011 05:12 - United States

Today, I had to take an emergency contraceptive. I was talking to my boyfriend about it, and I told him that my stomach really hurt. His response? "Aw. That's just the baby dying." FML

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By backwardsinlife - 5/10/2009 18:53 - United States

Today, while in the drive-through for Taco Bell, I hit the car behind me after forgetting my car was in reverse. It was in reverse because I was worried the old lady in front of me was going to forget she was in reverse. She didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2015 20:45 - United States - Fair Haven

Today, we had a school reunion. The guy who bullied me throughout my high school career is now rich and married. I'm broke and single, and he specifically came up to me to point it out. FML

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By NoorFML - 19/10/2012 14:37 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, my mom was feeling down, so I decided to buy her a gift. Knowing she likes lighthouses, I bought her a tiny one that plugs in and lights up. I brought it home, plugged it in, and when she saw me with it, she said, "Wipe that smirk off your face and get that junk out of here." FML

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By Joey - 11/3/2012 06:51 - Canada

Today, while DJing at a jumpin' wedding reception, my speaker system conked out. I hadn't brought any backup equipment, and 500 guests had the unfortunate luxury of dancing to the sounds of a portable CD player someone brought in from their car. FML

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By Damian - 22/4/2011 11:11

Today, my mom confused me with my dad. She got in the shower with me. FML

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By ilovecharliesheen - 17/3/2015 07:14 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I accidentally ate a cat treat instead of a cinnamon glazed pecan. I thought it must have been burnt by the way it tasted, so ate a few more before I figured out my mistake and spat them out. FML

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By rosabelle91 - 17/6/2012 14:58 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I realised that my boyfriend calls me "bitch" more often than he calls me by my actual name. FML

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By richardmrcs - 8/7/2013 20:00 - United Kingdom - Bradford

Today, I got mauled by some wild animals and had to get my butt cheek stitched up. The embarrassment doesn't end there though; the animals in question were kittens. The nurses on duty laughed and the entire ward found out. FML

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By gonkc - 4/3/2009 07:05 - United States

Today, to remind myself to write a check for my speech and debate team (Lynbrook Speech and Debate), I wrote "LSD money" on the back of my hand. The Vice Principal saw it, dragged me to the office, and called my parents. FML

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By ChestExploding - 20/11/2013 23:53 - United States - Greensboro

Today, I tripped and fell, damaging my sternum and making it incredibly painful to breathe in or out too much. About ten minutes later, I got the hiccups. FML

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By RobotUnicorn1209 - 14/8/2015 19:31 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I got in trouble for punching my sister. Apparently, it still counts if it's in Minecraft and she looked like she was going to steal my stuff. FML

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By whoawhoawhoa - 28/12/2011 22:04 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I heard my parents going at it upstairs. He said, "sounds like they're having more fun than we did." To make it worse, he crept to their door and put his ear to it, telling me what he heard. FML

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By notmansbestfriend - 12/8/2013 16:09 - United States - Williamsburg

Today, I was stuck on the toilet for hours after eating some questionable seafood. During this time, I watched through the open door as my dog destroyed the nice shoes I just bought, as well as the tux I rented for my sister's wedding. The wedding is in 12 hours. FML

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By ridella - 8/4/2011 10:35

Today, I was in the emergency room. The doctor told me that my injuries and back problems are the intensity of those after a car accident. I slipped on a grape. FML

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By Vermont? - 22/2/2017 05:00 - United States

Today, in my AP U.S. history class, we had a very long, very slow discussion about whether or not Vermont is a state. I think I lost brain cells. FML

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By ILoveAnimals - 11/6/2012 07:14 - Austria - Vienna

Today, I went to the circus with my family. When we were looking at the animals during the break, an elephant took my purse with his trunk and ate it. It crushed my cellphone, camera, keys and wallet. After that, the circus director yelled at me for feeding poisonous stuff to his elephant. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2019 14:00

Not so ready to rumble

Today, my pro wrestling training class had come to a close and I was gathering my things outside of the ring. One of my fellow trainees got out of the ring on the side where there was nothing but giant stage lights. He knocked them over onto me, giving me my first pro wrestling injury. I’d always thought that would happen in the ring. FML

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By jillie minaj - 9/7/2012 21:06 - United States

Today, I'm accused of vandalizing a cop car during a night of partying, and in so doing, violating my parole. While talking with my lawyer, who I spent all my savings on, I said he could hire better than his hideous secretary. Turns out she's his wife. I think I'm now more screwed than ever. FML

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By myennechee - 18/3/2009 05:22 - Germany

Today, I asked my boyfriend while he was eating potato chips if he wanted to eat me. He looked at the potato chips, he looked at me and said "Unless your vagina turns into a potato chip, I'd rather eat these." FML

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By Tennisplayer - 10/2/2009 05:59 - United States

Today, my tennis coach showed up to practice in an all white outfit. I exclaimed, "You're looking very white today!" He's African American. FML

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By Scabs - 9/8/2010 16:54 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my parents' friends. I was in the back with my window down when I felt something strange hit my ear. I then realized that the person sitting in front of me was picking their scab and throwing it out the window. FML

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By bradyman - 29/12/2010 15:09 - United States

Today, I went to the dentist after not being there for 3 years. I was told that I had loads of cavities and that I would need to pay $3,000 for a serious mouth surgery. The reason I hadn't been to the dentist in 3 years: I've been married to a dentist for 3 years that said my teeth were "perfect." FML

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By girl_what - 2/9/2018 23:30

Today, my parents informed me that my dad is leaving my mom and moving to Florida from New York tomorrow. I just spent $300 on a new crossbow for his birthday, which is tomorrow, in hopes that he would spend more time with me. FML

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Top comments

By xxxeelaa | 0

#203837 - Saturday 16 May 2009 20:09

LMAO. the mental image of this is just too much..

By designedlikedice | 0

#203810 - Saturday 16 May 2009 20:05

You couldn't hear people who were in there?

Comments

By designedlikedice | 0

#203810 - Saturday 16 May 2009 20:05

You couldn't hear people who were in there?

Reply

Overseer211 | 1

#2698886 - Friday 17 June 2011 5:02

Pics or it didn't happen.

By mylifeisfuckedd | 0

#203814 - Saturday 16 May 2009 20:06

Haha ew wow embarassing!

Reply

Alhan_fml | 0

#972915 - Friday 2 April 2010 5:29

This is why I pee stamding up.

Reply

pingpongpickle | 8

#1021188 - Sunday 6 June 2010 5:13

that didn't make any sense.

Reply

FYL_hardd | 0

#1144234 - Monday 26 July 2010 19:58

OP is a female.

By ohhhhshizzz | 0

#203815 - Saturday 16 May 2009 20:06

Are you stupid? How did you NOT know there were other people in there? You would have heard them.
I cannot see how this could happen.

Reply

airs_01 | 3

#2665633 - Sunday 12 June 2011 13:56

I believe the word 'PMSL!' is appropriate.

Reply

cheer4everever | 0

#4820245 - Thursday 16 August 2012 6:03

Whts the L for?

By BethanyKimberly | 4

#203820 - Saturday 16 May 2009 20:07

YDI. next time you might want to check first.

By omglyktotally78 | 0

#203822 - Saturday 16 May 2009 20:07

This is similar to the one where the guy wiped his ass with two $5's....that's probably where you got the idea for the FML...

By Aera_fml | 0

#203831 - Saturday 16 May 2009 20:08

Why didn't you ask if someone was there? Just go, "Hello?". If there was a person, they'd more than likely hand you toilet paper under the stall door.

Or, use your hand! It works unless you don't ever wash after (which is be disgusting).

Anyways, YDI.

Reply

Synistiel | 14

#5265573 - Thursday 20 December 2012 20:28

Using your hand. That is unbelievably disgusting. I'm pretty sure not wiping is more sanitary than that.

By xxxeelaa | 0

#203837 - Saturday 16 May 2009 20:09

LMAO. the mental image of this is just too much..

By coloradodude12 | 0

#203839 - Saturday 16 May 2009 20:09

lol that sucks

By Sleven_fml | 0

#203843 - Saturday 16 May 2009 20:10

Bullshit FML....there is no way you could NOT hear people in there, and even if you didn't, you could still call out and see if someone could throw some to you...I don't know why FMyLife keeps posting FML's that are obviously fake.

By Sleven_fml | 0

#203844 - Saturday 16 May 2009 20:10

Bullshit FML....there is no way you could NOT hear people in there, and even if you didn't, you could still call out and see if someone could throw some to you...I don't know why FMyLife keeps posting FML's that are obviously fake.