Health: Today, I had diarrhea in a public bathroom. When I was finished,...

By Anonymous

Today, I had diarrhea in a public bathroom. When I was finished, I noticed that someone had pissed all over the toilet paper. FML

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Health

Messed up

Property law

Billy no-mates

By gali-ma - Australia

Today, I posted a photo on Facebook of me at a club with some friends. The first comment it got was "Just got a stiffy. 10/10." Thanks for that, dad. FML

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By diesel444 - United States

Today, I mentioned to my dad (we have a close relationship) that my last condom had expired. Happy to buy me new ones for the sake of safe sex, he asked me "Do you need small, or extra small?" FML

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By no one - United States

You've got a friend

Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML

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By Oh dear - Saint Vincent and the Grenadines - Kingstown

Today, I was taking a dump at a public restroom. As I reached over to grab the toilet paper, I realized someone had peed on it. FML

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By melikeyturtles - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's apartment to break up with him since he's always busy, and I haven't seen or spoke to him in almost 2 months. I arrived to find out from his landlord that he'd moved out 3 weeks ago, leaving a note saying that we were over. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a spider dangled an inch away from my face while I was driving. I freaked out and accidentally bumped the car in front of me. Three cops arrived on the scene and I had to explain to them what happened. I can still hear them laughing. FML

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By happyharriet - United States

Today, I was having a panic attack so I called my parents. My brother answered to say my parents couldn't come to the phone because they were watching 24. Its ten o'clock and 24 is not on now. They were watching 24 on TiVo and couldn't pause it to come to the phone. FML

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By noO - United States - Greenwood

Today, for the seventh weekend in a row, I left my weekly visit with my long-distance boyfriend unsatisfied. Seems he enjoys getting shit-faced drunk more than he enjoys getting a boner. FML

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By Blackout at The Gym - 27/11/2020 14:08 - United States - Charlotte

You're a natural

Today, I had a great leg workout at the gym. Instead of doing my cool down exercise at the end, I decided I wanted to do something more adventurous, like box jumps on one of those metal stools at the gym. Well, it turns out my body wasn’t ready for that. Now my shin is busted and swollen. This is my second week training. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Birmingham

Today, a few weeks after teaching my dog to fetch my phone and drop it in my lap, he decided to do it spontaneously. Too bad I was in the bath at the time. There goes a $300 phone. FML

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By Almost Fired

Today, I got written up for insulting a customer last week, who then rang up to complain about my bad attitude. I was on vacation all last week. My boss doesn't believe me. FML

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By ST3PH - Canada

Today, my boss requested that I re-organize every file in the office, because she wanted the filing cabinets alphabetized right to left, not left to right. To thank me, she came into my office to give me one uncooked ear of corn. I think my boss has mistaken me for some kind of farm animal. FML

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By missmcfarty - Australia - Townsville

Today, I found out that my CEO knows my name, when she followed me into the bathroom and called it out in a disgusted tone when I farted so loudly, she could hear it from four stalls over. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered the reason my favorite stick of deodorant hasn't smelled right for the past two weeks. My dad uses it on his butt crack and balls "to clean up the stank". FML

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By goingnowherefast - United States - Butler

Today, after three and a half years of working dead-end jobs with a bachelor's degree, I got a call from a potential employer in my degree field, who wanted to set up an interview. The problem: the interview is across the country, and I'm too broke to pay the travel expenses. FML

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By traumatized - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was taking the biggest shit of my life. When I worked the thing out, it hit the water with such force that I got a toilet water enema from the backwash. I was so freaked out that I screamed and fell off the seat, prompting my husband to rush in to see what was wrong. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my daughter asked me to braid her hair. When I was done, she said Daddy's girlfriend does it better. I wasn't aware we had an open marriage. FML

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By notaman - United States - Marion

Today, I found out my insurance company denied my claim because they had me marked down as "male" and yet also pregnant. I now have to prove to them that I'm actually a woman. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, some jackass decided that using the back of my car to slow down was easier than using his brakes. FML

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By workworkwork - United States

Today, after working for over ten years at a dead-end factory line, I told my friends I was going to take some business courses and land myself a real job. All they've done since is laugh, mock me, and say that if Clinton couldn't fix the economy, I have no chance. FML

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By LexMarie12

Help, I'm stranded!

Today, at work, it was so windy that it started taking the door off its hinges. The door now won't close all the way. I can't leave until someone comes to fix it. FML

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By JC - United States

Today, I took a smoke break at work and I noticed a huge zit on my face. I used the reflection from a window to take care of the problem and then realized that there was a staff meeting taking place on the other side. FML

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By fmlmao

Today, I was feeling depressed, so I decided to go snowboarding with friends to cheer myself up. I fell on the first trail and broke my dominant wrist. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Knoxville

Today, my fiancé threatened to break up with me if our dog couldn't be the best man at our wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Cumberland

Today, I put on a shirt that said "skilled in every position." My boyfriend took one look and said, "since when?" FML

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By I piss upon thee - United States - Toledo

Today, I got a warning for not covering a shift, on my day off, for someone who didn't want to go to work. Apparently the next time I “do something wrong", I'll either get warned again or fired, whichever they feel like doing. FML

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By Gage

Today, having moved to Moscow over a week ago, I finally received the TV my work promised my flat would have. A big Russian man came to my door, handed me a TV from the 1970s and left. It doesn't work. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered my mother went into the local pub where I work part time, got very drunk, and flashed her boobs at everyone. I found out when a picture was posted on Facebook. FML

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By CheLi - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally invited me over to his parents house so I could meet them. My boyfriend, his dad and I were sitting in the living room, when I saw a really sketchy person outside, so I said, "There is some creepy hobo man outside, messing with your trash." The "creepy hobo" was his mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while enjoying a truly epic move from my wife in the hotel shower, I managed to accidentally pull the "grab bar" from the wall and clock her in the side of the head. Three stitches at the Urgent Care later, she's explaining to the entire waiting room how it happened. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, as I was walking towards my friends at the bus stop, a man came up to me and asked me out. This was the first time I'd be asked out in months. I accepted. When I reached my friends they looked at me then asked, "Why were you talking to that homeless guy?". FML

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By CastAway - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I went down to the pier. I brought an empty bottle and some paper, and we both constructed a massive letter expressing our passionate love for each other. We stuck it in the bottle, and threw it out to sea, only to see it explode in slow motion on a protruding rock. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2020 16:58 - Germany

Haunted house

Today, I jumped when, after being home alone for days, I suddenly saw the door handle move. Apparently, the cats weren't happy about being locked out of the kitchen and were pretty close to figuring things out. FML

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By WhosGoingToCleanThisUp - United Kingdom

Today, my daughter taught me the literal meaning of "When the shit hits the fan." FML

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By wrecked - United States

Today, I ran into my girlfriend by chance while out shopping. She looked different than usual. Maybe it was the wedding ring she was wearing, or how she had her arm around another gentleman, gee, I don't know. That's two years of my life wasted. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I canceled my dental check-up because I'm getting busy at work. Then, as I was flossing, my finger slipped, I heard a "crunch" from one of my fillings, and I now have a killer toothache. It's costing me double to go to the dentist because it's now an emergency call. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Honolulu

Today, I discovered that my daughter refuses to eat, but not because she's anorexic. Apparently, her health class has learned about the digestive system and now she refuses to "take part in something so gross." FML

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By Chandra - Canada - Brampton

Thank God it's Monday tomorrow

Today, I had to pee at work. I ended up using all the toilet paper. When I opened the door to leave, a dude was waiting to use the washroom. I told him there was no more toilet paper. He goes, “You finished all of it?” I panicked and said, “No, I didn’t use any!” FML

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By Raptorcake - Australia - Calwell

Today, it's my birthday and I celebrated with friends. I now have 34 individual copies of the first Twilight movie. FML

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By Anonymous

Today I went in for an STD test. The Q-tip broke off in my urethra. FML

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Top comments

By paprikacha | 9

#2292415 - Monday 4 April 2011 13:04

I cannot think of any situation in which someone would need to piss all over the toilet paper, besides them being a straight up asshole. Wow.

By Why4426 | 0

#2292256 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:09

priceless

COMMENTS

By Why4426 | 0

#2292256 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:09

priceless

tulsafml | 0

#2294891 - Monday 4 April 2011 22:59

That would make me pissy to be in such a shitty situation...........

By turtlegrl66 | 11

#2292265 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:12

eww that stinks

valri3 | 0

#2292444 - Monday 4 April 2011 13:09

Well what can you say? Some people are complete animals.

rebekahah | 7

#2292640 - Monday 4 April 2011 13:49

yeah it does! And I can't even smell it!

nickiforever21 | 0

#2297299 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 6:09

that is why I don't poop in public places

louie111887 | 0

#2309849 - Thursday 7 April 2011 20:41

who would win in a fight dude ? a grilled cheese sandwich or a taco ? : )

By skullssean | 4

#2292275 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:14

That's pretty damn funny. xD
However, after that happening to me I wouldn't be laughing. :/

By khaya | 9

#2292279 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:14

You must have been in quite a sticky situation.

marinus_fml | 19

#2292431 - Monday 4 April 2011 13:07

op didn't shit over him/herself.

on a side note, you're one of the first south Africans I seen on this site.

smileeee_fml | 0

#2292693 - Monday 4 April 2011 13:59

likewise (:

Garay | 0

#2296137 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 2:33

I imagine a stereotypical Asian saying all your comments.

R34luver | 5

#2297745 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 7:44

#42 is tht a lexus IS350?

smileeee_fml | 0

#2297902 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 8:26

nopee

By EvilPotato | 14

#2292280 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:14

you just got pwned

By PrickHead | 0

#2292298 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:18

sorry about that...
it should've been dry by now

ILoveEggnog | 7

#2292554 - Monday 4 April 2011 13:34

Would you want to rub dried urine upon your anus?

coderedz | 0

#2293987 - Monday 4 April 2011 18:56

well at least it sterile

heathersmorin | 0

#2294595 - Monday 4 April 2011 21:40

^^^ I am always saying that and NOONE fucking believes me!! Thank you!

klonopin_ftw | 0

#2294640 - Monday 4 April 2011 21:52

97, no one*

and who cares if it's sterile or not? it's disgusting either way.

By HoustonER | 0

#2292320 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:23

let all the shitty puns begin/end

By TheNinjaCat | 10

#2292327 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:26

ooft unlucky

By Alex_The_Human | 2

#2292339 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:33

crawl into the next stall!

ThankMeLater | 0

#2294089 - Monday 4 April 2011 19:20

win!

By Garay | 0

#2292341 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:34

take the free DNA!!!! It's yours now!!!!!!

shovels | 0

#2297420 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 6:26

Screw the DNA... The majority of the scientists would look for mRNA... shove that up your anticodon!