Health: Today, I had diarrhea in a public bathroom. When I was finished,...

By Anonymous

Today, I had diarrhea in a public bathroom. When I was finished, I noticed that someone had pissed all over the toilet paper. FML

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Health

Dementia or hate? You decide

Fragile

Harsh

By Unsuspecting - United States

Today, I started my period almost a week earlier than I expected to. I also happened to be at the beach with a guy that I really liked when it started. He was the one who noticed, and he informed me by saying that we couldn't go back in the water or we would be eaten by sharks. FML

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By sadlysingle - United States - Rockwall

Today, I received a response to my perfectly straightforward online dating profile: "How about changing a dirty diaper, mommy?" FML

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By shitbucketsfilledwithshit - United States - Spring

Today, while walking home after a night of partying, I saw a thin, bald person in a suit looking at me from across the street. I got flashbacks to the Slender Man, screamed like a little bitch and ran. Then I realized I'd just humiliated myself in front of some random guy waiting for a bus. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2020 23:01

"I'm horny, horny horny horny"

Today, I got incredibly horny at work. No one was in the office, so I spread out on my yoga mat and started to masturbate. All of the sudden, I heard a forklift outside. I quickly tried to hide, but I think the construction worker caught me. He’ll be working here all month. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2020 07:08 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Broken equipment

Today, my girlfriend and I had an argument about wanting kids, as I want to have kids but she doesn’t. I explained the situation to my sister. She just kicked me in the nuts and said, “There, problem solved.” FML

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By cane - United States

Today, my mom needed coffee so I drove to Starbucks to get her some. She let me drive the Porsche, which has never happened. Upon coming home I picked the coffee up out of the cupholder so it wouldnt spill. My phone vibrated in my pocket, I spilled the coffee and crashed the car into the garage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working at a restaurant, I watched someone throw their car door open and hit the side of my brand new car for the third time this week. I told the woman to be more careful. She told my manager that I was being racist. As I was being yelled at, I watched her hit my car again, smiling. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Trick question

Today, my girlfriend asked me if she looked fat in her new pair of jeans. Knowing I was probably about two seconds away from all hell breaking loose, I instinctively tried to save my game, before remembering I wasn't playing a video game. I really need to get a life. FML

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By unhappystudent - United States - Storrs Mansfield

Today, after a long night of studying, my roommate and her friends decided it would be fun to throw a mini party in my room at 7am. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I ate something really sticky so I had to wash my hands and mouth. I saw a tea towel on the bench so I was wiped myself with that. Then I noticed it smelt really bad. I had just cleaned my face with turps. FML

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By someoneneedsassistance - United States - Woodford

Today, while driving, I saw a car pull over with its hazard lights on. I went to see if they needed help, only to see the guy was jerking off to something on his phone. FML

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By samgonzalessb - United States

Today, my boyfriend bought me a voice personalized build-a-bear. I thought he was going to propose to me through it, only to press the foot of the bear and hear "we should break up" instead. FML

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By crosscountryfatigue

Today, with one week left until I fly to my new apartment, movers loaded my belongings and happily drove off. They even loaded my unpacked, inflated air mattress. Looks like I'm sleeping on the floor for a week. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Delft

Today, I had a job interview, for which I spent hours preparing. My interviewer was nothing more than a pimple-faced teen, and after only two minutes of reviewing my qualifications, he lost interest and started asking such questions as which Hogwarts house is my favorite. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cabin John

Today, I got home from work to find my boyfriend sobbing hysterically over the death of his cat. The only cat he could be talking about is the one on his Sims account. FML

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By alejita - United States

Today, I overheard my daughter compliment my mother by saying "My mom is way flabbier than you, Grandma." When I told her later that she hurt my feelings, she told me to "man up." She's seven. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Laying eggs!

Today, I've has a constant feeling like something is moving in my ear. I'm a severe arachnaphobic, and my dad is trying to convince me a spider is in my ear laying eggs. FML

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By skunkcat - United States

Smelly business

Today, I was drunk in a hotel lobby with some of my cousins. I went out on the patio to get some fresh air when I saw a black cat in the bushes. I went straight over to it and started to pet it. I realized too late that the black cat was actually a skunk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that I could never marry him because he's a Yankees fan. He told me he could never marry me because he couldn't see himself having a terrible love life for the rest of his life. He was serious. FML

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By Nessa - United States - Pomona

Today, my mom got out a camcorder she's had a while. She said there were tapes of me when I was a child. The first tape I put in was a porno of her and her ex-boyfriend. FML

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By jeoak - India

Today, I was moving into my new apartment. The previous owner had refused to move out until today, and when I got there, I realized I didn't have a key. I was about to call him when I found out I didn't need to; he took the door. FML

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By Anonymous

Pampered

Today, I'm 25-years-old and I need to wear an adult diaper as I have lost my bladder control. FML

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By Spac3Ghost - China

Today, I was having a conversation with my girlfriend about having kids. We were outside a hotel in front of those rotating glass doors. One of my friends ran at me as a joke, screaming like a caveman. I freaked out in a high pitched squeal, and tried to run inside the hotel. I ran in the wrong way. FML

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By pimplesapparently - United States - New York

Today, I sent my friend a snapchat without any makeup on. She asked what filter I used because it made my face look all red and blotchy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. Three hours later, he called me to tell me he was kidding. FML

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By Moron - Canada

Today, due to a misunderstanding, I unintentionally agreed to have a dinner date with a co-worker. He's ten years older than me. Not only do I have to find a way to reject him, but I have to work with him on weekends. The worst part is, he's the first guy to ask me out in ages. FML

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By Damn - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I was trying to take my shirt off. It was an awkward fit, so I had to basically wrestle it for five minutes. The kicker was that I was giving my boyfriend a striptease. He laughed so hard and for so long that we never had sex. FML

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By anyoi - United States - Rocklin

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my parents over dinner. During the meal, he excused himself to the bathroom, and when he didn't come back after a few minutes, I went to check up on him. I ended up finding him in the living room, pocketing a pack of ambien from my mom's bag. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2020 07:04 - United Kingdom

Genius, definitely

Today, my boyfriend claims he found a way of spending time with my son without actually spending time with him. They play hide and seek, and for a long time as he shouts, “I’m gonna find you” every few minutes. The game can last over an hour while he watches TV without interruptions. Genius or asshole? FML

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By 8sq - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that yes, a fork can get stuck in your braces. FML

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By umm..WHAT?? - 22/10/2020 14:01 - United States - Pomona

Halloween came early

Today, I was sleeping in my bed when I woke up in horror to see that my 34-year-old cousin, who was spending the night, was watching me sleep. Once he noticed that I was awake, he quietly left the room. I told my mom, who then told me not to tell anyone and pretend that it never happened. FML

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By thepigeonsfriend - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally kicked a can and it hit a man's shoe. He tried to kick it at me but his foot somehow failed to connect with the can. I could hear it rattling behind me as he failed again and again. So he decided to run up behind me and throw it at my head. FML

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By awk1 - United States - Glennville

Today, I was packing up my stuff about to go home. I shut off my MacBook but was still pretending to work for the last few minutes, typing on the keyboard. A good way through, I realized my co-worker sitting across from me could see that the Apple logo was off. FML

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By cantcloselegs - United States

Today, I was using my new curling iron to curl my hair. I was sitting down. Suddenly I dropped the iron and, as a reflex, I caught it between my bare thighs. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was hungover and had to run to put the rubbish out for the bin lorry, only I was so hungover I forgot I was only wearing an open dressing gown and no underwear. A few neighbours and passing cars got to see me swinging in the breeze. FML

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By thisreallyhappened - United States

Today, a little girl at my work had an accident. She asked me to help her change, and as she was changing she stuck her hand in her vagina to make sure all the "peepee was gone". She then put that same hand on my face to balance herself as she finished changing. FML

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By fmjob - United States

Today, I got a raise. A 10 cent raise. I have worked at my job for over 3 years. I now make 20 cents more an hour than people that have only worked there 3 minutes. FML

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By privacy! - 2/5/2021 08:02

Privacy violation

Today, I asked my mom to help my daughter with Zoom school while I handled an emergency. When I got back, I found out my mom went through my laptop containing all my documents, my emails and even the journal my therapist suggested I keep. She says she was looking for a Zoom link. Yeah right. FML

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By Keith walk - United States

Today, my girlfriend's parents walked in on us having sex. Not only did her dad make me walk out to my truck with no clothes on, he is my baseball coach and I will be seeing him on Monday. FML

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By Creeped out - New Zealand - Auckland

Flattered

Today, I was trying on some shoes. As I was bending down, an old lady with a walking frame slowly approached. As she got close she whispered to me, "Mmm, you've got a nice tushie." My girlfriend will not let me hear the end of it. FML

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Top comments

By paprikacha | 9

#2292415 - Monday 4 April 2011 13:04

I cannot think of any situation in which someone would need to piss all over the toilet paper, besides them being a straight up asshole. Wow.

By Why4426 | 0

#2292256 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:09

priceless

COMMENTS

By Why4426 | 0

#2292256 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:09

priceless

tulsafml | 0

#2294891 - Monday 4 April 2011 22:59

That would make me pissy to be in such a shitty situation...........

By turtlegrl66 | 11

#2292265 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:12

eww that stinks

valri3 | 0

#2292444 - Monday 4 April 2011 13:09

Well what can you say? Some people are complete animals.

rebekahah | 7

#2292640 - Monday 4 April 2011 13:49

yeah it does! And I can't even smell it!

nickiforever21 | 0

#2297299 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 6:09

that is why I don't poop in public places

louie111887 | 0

#2309849 - Thursday 7 April 2011 20:41

who would win in a fight dude ? a grilled cheese sandwich or a taco ? : )

By skullssean | 4

#2292275 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:14

That's pretty damn funny. xD
However, after that happening to me I wouldn't be laughing. :/

By khaya | 9

#2292279 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:14

You must have been in quite a sticky situation.

marinus_fml | 19

#2292431 - Monday 4 April 2011 13:07

op didn't shit over him/herself.

on a side note, you're one of the first south Africans I seen on this site.

smileeee_fml | 0

#2292693 - Monday 4 April 2011 13:59

likewise (:

Garay | 0

#2296137 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 2:33

I imagine a stereotypical Asian saying all your comments.

R34luver | 5

#2297745 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 7:44

#42 is tht a lexus IS350?

smileeee_fml | 0

#2297902 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 8:26

nopee

By EvilPotato | 14

#2292280 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:14

you just got pwned

By PrickHead | 0

#2292298 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:18

sorry about that...
it should've been dry by now

ILoveEggnog | 7

#2292554 - Monday 4 April 2011 13:34

Would you want to rub dried urine upon your anus?

coderedz | 0

#2293987 - Monday 4 April 2011 18:56

well at least it sterile

heathersmorin | 0

#2294595 - Monday 4 April 2011 21:40

^^^ I am always saying that and NOONE fucking believes me!! Thank you!

klonopin_ftw | 0

#2294640 - Monday 4 April 2011 21:52

97, no one*

and who cares if it's sterile or not? it's disgusting either way.

By HoustonER | 0

#2292320 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:23

let all the shitty puns begin/end

By TheNinjaCat | 10

#2292327 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:26

ooft unlucky

By Alex_The_Human | 2

#2292339 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:33

crawl into the next stall!

ThankMeLater | 0

#2294089 - Monday 4 April 2011 19:20

win!

By Garay | 0

#2292341 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:34

take the free DNA!!!! It's yours now!!!!!!

shovels | 0

#2297420 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 6:26

Screw the DNA... The majority of the scientists would look for mRNA... shove that up your anticodon!