Today, I had diarrhea in a public bathroom. When I was finished,...

By Anonymous - 4/4/2011 05:26

Today, I had diarrhea in a public bathroom. When I was finished, I noticed that someone had pissed all over the toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46310

You deserved it

4683

Favorite

Health

Serious times

Instadrama

Season finale

By Anonymous - 30/4/2012 21:46 - United States - Tampa

Today, I was walking home, when I saw a homeless man trying to tear the wallet out of another guy's hand. I can't stand bums, so I smacked him across the jaw. That's when the other one kneed me in the balls and made off with my wallet as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12772

You deserved it

43047

Favorite

By MonsterProblems - 7/1/2015 07:07 - Croatia

Today, I had a sneeze attack while my nose was bleeding. Now my living room looks like a crime scene. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38167

You deserved it

3309

Favorite

By Anonymous - 30/9/2012 23:02 - United States - Rocky Point

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend doggy-style. I was getting close when he suddenly blurts out, "Babe, you really need to bleach your asshole." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36740

You deserved it

5609

Favorite

By Anonymous - 3/8/2017 13:00

Mommy Goes Commando

Today, I went to a restaurant with my family. My five year old goes under the table and says "Mommy! You forgot to wear underwear!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

4199

You deserved it

2609

Favorite

By Anonymous - 6/8/2012 19:50 - United States

Today, I called in to my girlfriend's favorite radio station to propose. After spending what seemed like an eternity telling her how much I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, she took a deep breath, said, "How about no?" and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36095

You deserved it

4411

Favorite

By Benchthewarmer - 8/7/2009 05:49 - United States

Today, I had a basketball game against our rivals. Since the starting guard had a broken ankle, I felt happy that I could finally get playing time and prove that I'm good. Instead I had to run the scoreboard for the game, because the scoreboard guy was absent. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42646

You deserved it

3572

Favorite

By akosirm - 25/9/2012 02:28 - Philippines

Today, I was going to a big concert at my university. I paid around a hundred twenty bucks for my ticket. Outside the venue, people were handing out the tickets. For free. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34221

You deserved it

13409

Favorite

By Peaches - 22/2/2017 12:00 - United States - Tucker

Today, I was informed that I was let go from my job for not showing up for a week. A week I'd scheduled off, that management had approved. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8415

You deserved it

391

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/11/2011 17:20 - United States

Today, after holding it in for hours, I finally managed to run to the bathroom for a pee. I thought it was impossible for rats to climb up the sewer pipes and into the toilet, but apparently I was wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36768

You deserved it

2720

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/2/2010 07:54 - United States

Today, I bought a brand new huge leather recliner. After laying down and watching football for some time, I sit up and hear a loud shatter. My iPhone was crushed by the mechanics of the chair after it slipped out of my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28826

You deserved it

8383

Favorite

By dysfunctional_ravenclaw - 1/6/2017 15:00 - United States - Houston

Today, I was driving up to a Four Seasons, not to stay, but to attend a work event that was already paid for. I did look a little out of place in my Toyota Corolla amongst the luxury SUVs, but was nonplussed when a man came up to me, knocked on my window, and said, "The Motel 6 is over there." FML

I agree, your life sucks

4656

You deserved it

322

Favorite

By ohhmydamn - 31/7/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I found out if you slide down the stairs on a foam matress topper, it just folds under instead of sliding. Then you slide the rest of the way down on your knees and break your nose at the bottom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16646

You deserved it

70445

Favorite

By Nicks - 3/7/2013 15:10 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my mother-in-lawyer threatened to sue me unless I took my professional wedding photographs off Facebook as she did not like that they made her look fat. She is over 300 pounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

74152

You deserved it

4786

Favorite

By greeter - 18/10/2016 06:49 - Canada - Willow Grove

Today, my class had a very important meeting about workplace safety. I thought I led some of my classmates to the meeting very well, until they informed me that I accidentally ran a red light on the way there. They brought this infraction up during the class every chance they got. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11004

You deserved it

3316

Favorite

By Unsatisfied - 16/12/2009 06:15 - Canada

Today, I found the only man who hates sex. He's my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29894

You deserved it

4639

Favorite

By anon - 24/3/2012 03:51 - United States - Addison

Today, I went to a concert with my new boyfriend. I had a panic attack halfway through and an ambulance picked me up. My boyfriend met my parents for the first time drunk, in the emergency room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24824

You deserved it

5592

Favorite

By tomedicalforlove - 21/2/2013 05:51

Today, my husband and I were fooling around in the shower. For some reason, I thought it'd be a good idea to grab his man meat and show him how to wash someone at a nursing home. He said he'd never be turned on by a nurse again. I'm a nurse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13082

You deserved it

41707

Favorite

By Janet - 10/3/2009 13:02 - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office. I thought I was getting promoted because my sales had been really high lately. My boss shut his door behind me and asked me if I could comb his hair with a lice comb to get rid of his lice. I had to do it to keep my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

71946

You deserved it

3114

Favorite

By hopelesscollegestudent - 21/9/2012 16:22 - Canada

Today, I asked my college chemistry teacher for some much-needed help. Instead of explaining anything to me, she scoffed that if I don't understand something, I should "just Google it." FML

I agree, your life sucks

23921

You deserved it

1997

Favorite

By Dumped - 18/2/2010 08:58 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend got drunk and cheated on me. After I tried to talk to her about it, she dumped me. Not because she didn't like me anymore or that she liked the other guy, but because she felt "too guilty" and "wouldn't be able to look me in the eyes anymore." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31543

You deserved it

3368

Favorite

By Anonymous - 16/1/2014 17:57 - United States - Springfield

Today, my 7-year-old daughter made a new game: hitting me in the groin when I'm not expecting it. She hunts me in the house, hides around corners, and behind furniture to ambush me. She'll even do it if she catches me napping. I'm a grown man living in fear of a little girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56999

You deserved it

13004

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/5/2009 12:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's dad asked me if I wanted to drive his 2008 Jaguar XKR. Excitedly, I agreed. He then spent the next hour discussing with me how masturbation is a great alternative to sex, and a great way to remain abstinent. I didn't get to drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60703

You deserved it

4755

Favorite

By notnow - 27/9/2013 01:32 - United States

Today, minutes before I walked down the aisle at my wedding, my drunk mother stumbled up to me and told me she was depressed and wanted to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42208

You deserved it

2582

Favorite

By howaboutthemcarrots - 14/4/2015 15:08 - Finland - Laajalahti

Today, I decided to be healthy and make a fresh juice out of carrots and apples. Apparently, something had gone bad and now my asshole feels like a bomb just went off inside it. Good start to a healthy lifestyle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28262

You deserved it

4155

Favorite

By Not Mrs Soprano - 8/7/2013 11:57 - United States - Irvington

Today, my husband's recent obsession with The Sopranos since James Gandolfini died went a step further into the ridiculous, when he tried to encourage some ducks to land in our swimming pool by throwing loaves of bread into it, while bellowing at them with a 'Noo Joisey' Wise Guy accent. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35960

You deserved it

3529

Favorite

By sdgsfvbkuhkj - 17/4/2011 23:18 - United States

Today, I started my first day of work at my new job. They had a section in the parking lot for employees only, so I parked there. Apparently, my boss didn't recognize my car, and had it towed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34521

You deserved it

3093

Favorite

By notacreeper - 6/4/2011 00:00

Today, I told my mother I have a girlfriend. Her first answer was "Does she know?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

42131

You deserved it

5286

Favorite

By barf - 6/2/2015 23:00 - Ireland

Today, I experienced the horror of walking in on my best friend fondling his tits. Yes, "his". FML

I agree, your life sucks

30697

You deserved it

3235

Favorite

By YouAREthefather - 18/3/2010 16:48 - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store, holding hands with his very pregnant girlfriend. They were buying baby supplies. We had a very nasty and painful breakup not even three months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45237

You deserved it

3822

Favorite

By Iamdisappointed - 24/7/2013 11:50 - Sweden - Ludvika

Today, the doctor told my husband that he is infertile due to slow sperm. As if this is not upsetting enough, my husband blames it on me. According to him, his sperm doesn't get 'aroused' because I'm not sexy enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68623

You deserved it

5940

Favorite

By anonymous - 22/2/2011 07:07

Today, I had to fake fall down the stairs so my mom would stop texting and actually pay attention to what I was saying. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30435

You deserved it

14112

Favorite

By anonymous - 24/4/2012 18:18 - United States

Today, my husband announced that he wants to separate emotionally. Meanwhile, he still wants me to cook and clean for him while he dates his new girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44021

You deserved it

3252

Favorite

By chicoallen - 31/8/2011 18:45 - United States

Today, after getting off work from a horrible 16 hour shift, I went out to my truck. My windows were completely covered in window chalk, to the point that I couldn't leave. I had to spend the next hour and a half washing it all off while my manager laughed about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27865

You deserved it

2196

Favorite

By crabmunch15 - 9/9/2012 05:38 - United States - Victorville

Today, I snuck out to go see my girlfriend. When I got to her house, I left my bike out front and we went on a nice walk around the block. We passed a homeless-looking woman going the opposite way. About ten minutes later, the same woman passed us, on my bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23780

You deserved it

10906

Favorite

By Elrond Hubbard - 24/1/2015 19:25 - United States

Today, I drove my dad to Walmart to do some shopping. His leg is still in a cast after an accident, so I helped him to the last mobility scooter. A guy whose only disability was clearly Fat-Fuck Syndrome then yelled at us, claiming he needed it more and that my dad was a faker. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37914

You deserved it

2588

Favorite

By kiki - 24/2/2010 05:54 - United States

Today, before my date came to pick me up, I put tissues under my arms so I wouldn't leave wet marks. I forgot to remove them, and when we got physical, they fell out, looking like I'd stuffed my bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13343

You deserved it

33334

Favorite

By Anonymous - 15/9/2010 21:20 - United States

Today, in marching band, the guy in front of me backed up too far. As we turned, the back of his trombone hit mine, smashing it into my lip. I had to finish the song, sending blood down my horn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32569

You deserved it

4140

Favorite

By Anonymous - 17/2/2016 02:45 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I was threatened to be held back because of the lack of teacher-parent communication. My parents refuse to sign my report card because of my one mark below ninety percent. My teacher was dead serious about failing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22717

You deserved it

1434

Favorite

By Madokami - 30/1/2017 11:37 - United States - Kingston

Today, a customer became irrationally angry and called me a "stupid bitch", all because she couldn't use the coupon clearly marked "30% off grocery items" on a prescription from our pharmacy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6630

You deserved it

345

Favorite

By perpetuallyscrewed - 6/10/2009 04:06

Today, after nearly eight months of unemployment, I started a great new job. After seven and a half hours of work, my new boss comes up to tell me what a great job I was doing, but that he somehow forgot to clear the new hire with the company owner, so I'm fired. Hello, unemployment... again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38757

You deserved it

2161

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By paprikacha | 9

#2292415 - Monday 4 April 2011 13:04

I cannot think of any situation in which someone would need to piss all over the toilet paper, besides them being a straight up asshole. Wow.

By Why4426 | 0

#2292256 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:09

priceless

COMMENTS

By Why4426 | 0

#2292256 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:09

priceless

tulsafml | 0

#2294891 - Monday 4 April 2011 22:59

That would make me pissy to be in such a shitty situation...........

By turtlegrl66 | 11

#2292265 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:12

eww that stinks

valri3 | 0

#2292444 - Monday 4 April 2011 13:09

Well what can you say? Some people are complete animals.

rebekahah | 7

#2292640 - Monday 4 April 2011 13:49

yeah it does! And I can't even smell it!

nickiforever21 | 0

#2297299 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 6:09

that is why I don't poop in public places

louie111887 | 0

#2309849 - Thursday 7 April 2011 20:41

who would win in a fight dude ? a grilled cheese sandwich or a taco ? : )

By skullssean | 4

#2292275 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:14

That's pretty damn funny. xD
However, after that happening to me I wouldn't be laughing. :/

By khaya | 9

#2292279 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:14

You must have been in quite a sticky situation.

marinus_fml | 19

#2292431 - Monday 4 April 2011 13:07

op didn't shit over him/herself.

on a side note, you're one of the first south Africans I seen on this site.

smileeee_fml | 0

#2292693 - Monday 4 April 2011 13:59

likewise (:

Garay | 0

#2296137 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 2:33

I imagine a stereotypical Asian saying all your comments.

R34luver | 5

#2297745 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 7:44

#42 is tht a lexus IS350?

smileeee_fml | 0

#2297902 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 8:26

nopee

By EvilPotato | 14

#2292280 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:14

you just got pwned

By PrickHead | 0

#2292298 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:18

sorry about that...
it should've been dry by now

ILoveEggnog | 7

#2292554 - Monday 4 April 2011 13:34

Would you want to rub dried urine upon your anus?

coderedz | 0

#2293987 - Monday 4 April 2011 18:56

well at least it sterile

heathersmorin | 0

#2294595 - Monday 4 April 2011 21:40

^^^ I am always saying that and NOONE fucking believes me!! Thank you!

klonopin_ftw | 0

#2294640 - Monday 4 April 2011 21:52

97, no one*

and who cares if it's sterile or not? it's disgusting either way.

By HoustonER | 0

#2292320 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:23

let all the shitty puns begin/end

By TheNinjaCat | 10

#2292327 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:26

ooft unlucky

By Alex_The_Human | 2

#2292339 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:33

crawl into the next stall!

ThankMeLater | 0

#2294089 - Monday 4 April 2011 19:20

win!

By Garay | 0

#2292341 - Monday 4 April 2011 12:34

take the free DNA!!!! It's yours now!!!!!!

shovels | 0

#2297420 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 6:26

Screw the DNA... The majority of the scientists would look for mRNA... shove that up your anticodon!