Today, I finally decided to get my five-year-old son a rabbit,... - FML

By Anonyme - 16/5/2014 07:55 - Canada - Saint-jean-de-matha

Today, I finally decided to get my five-year-old son a rabbit, so I explained to him how to take care of it. When I'd finished listing all the things he'd have to do, he replied, "That's too complicated... Couldn't we just eat it instead?" FML

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Proactive

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Yappy neighborhood

By - 23/12/2019 18:00

After vacation

Today, I got back from vacation and walked in on my boyfriend and my brother in my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2012 01:19 - United States - Evansville

Today, my parents gave me a sock and card for my eighteenth birthday. The card said, "Now that Dobby is free, get out." FML

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By norestforthewicked - 2/3/2016 20:41 - United States

Today, I had to use a sick day from the school I teach at. While I was off, another teacher called me mid delirium, because my students were borderline rioting over the work I left for them. I'd asked them to read a book and edit the one-page essay they've had two weeks to work on. FML

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By Unemployed - 16/10/2011 07:15 - United States

Today, while reading over my sent application email to a job I have been trying to get, I found out my brother had put "Heil Hitler!" as my signature. FML

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By Help - 13/8/2011 23:21 - United States

Today, my family dragged me to an Alien-themed museum. They're convinced they were once abducted and felt up by creatures from outer space. They talk, and spend all their money, on nothing else. I'm hungry. FML

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By ahhhhhhh - 30/7/2019 14:00

Today, my daughter was acting strange. When she wasn’t muttering in some strange language, she was talking about invisible people coming to get me. Terrified, I called my boyfriend. Turns out he taught her that as a prank. He knows I’m afraid of anything supernatural. FML

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By Bad parenting101 - 8/1/2017 03:23 - United States - Denver

Today, my son shaved his eyebrows. Two days ago, I caught my 10-year-old daughter watching porn. I'm totally winning at parenting. FML

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By Travellingluck - 20/10/2017 16:12

Today, after a week of severe gastroenteritis that required a hospital stay, I was finally feeling well enough to go in the pool at our holiday resort. My fiance slipped on the edge of the pool and we're back in the hospital. Happy vacation! FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2019 06:03 - United States - New York

Today, while working at Subway, I was called a "terrorist" and other names by a customer 'behind my back'. I made him the best sandwich I'd ever made, in order to leave a good impression. Then I had to say the wonderful words, "Your total is $9.11." FML

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By NotHappyJan - 3/12/2018 03:00

Today, I thought I'd take advantage of the lovely weather and sunbake topless in my grandmother's back yard. My grandma went up the street to do some shopping and didn’t tell me that men were coming to mow the lawn. I was laying on my back. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2020 20:00

Responsibilities

Today, I got chewed out by my boss. Why? Because my coworkers haven't gotten their work done. Now I have to scan them their work for them to complete it. FML

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By callofdutyhater - 21/8/2011 05:48 - United States

Today, I finally realized the reason my son's grades have been dropping so much. Every time I drop him off at his tutor's house, they play Call of Duty until I pick him up. FML

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By virginat16 - 14/12/2010 11:00 - United States

Today, I got a call from a restricted number. When I answered, it was a prank call. The kids on the other end had porn on high volume and put the phone next to the speaker. Way to remind me that I'm still a virgin. FML

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By ughhh123456789 - 15/7/2009 22:23 - United States

Today, I was cleaning my old neighbor's bathroom, because he asked me to and I didn't want to be rude. Plus, I was getting paid. He told me to "get the floor pearly white." So I scrubbed, and scrubbed, and scrubbed. Turns out the floor tiles are naturally a dull yellowish. I didn't get paid. FML

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By pvtcab - 5/10/2011 18:52 - United States

Today, my roommate and I had to pay our first installment of rent. He's nowhere to be found. FML

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By chee - 11/2/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, I told my mom, "I love you". She responded with, "What? I never told you I loved you." FML

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By seriously? - 22/12/2012 22:19 - United States - Spring

Today, while talking to my boyfriend, he got upset and accused me of making up words to make him feel stupid. All because I used the word "vapid." FML

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By Don't text and work - 23/6/2009 05:04 - France

Today, at work I got told off by my manager for texting while working. Enraged by this, I trash talked her to the new girl at work. The new girl, a.k.a. my manager's daughter. FML

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By :| - 12/9/2013 22:27 - Sweden - V?llingby

Today, I realized that what I thought for years was my country's National Anthem, is actually the theme song of a TV show. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, while I was showering, a dark object in the shower kept startling me. After about the fourth time jumping, I realized it was my shadow that was scaring me. I am actually literally afraid of my own shadow. FML

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By klutz44 - 16/4/2015 18:36 - United States - Winnetka

Today, I took my 2 year old to the potty in a public restroom. I was just about to set her on the toilet when the automatic flush went off, scaring her and causing her to pee all over both of us. FML

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By PunctureWound - 10/10/2010 00:57 - Canada

Today, we were playing a game at work where whenever someone is in the washroom, we throw a 2 inch lug nut at the door because it makes a huge bang and scares whoever is in there. I was just opening the door to exit when someone threw the nut. It hit me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2016 15:29 - Australia - Hove

Today, my mum had no legitimate reason to have her daily yell at me, so she resorted to bitching me out for putting her phone on charge after it started beeping with a low battery warning. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2015 07:54 - United States - Wheatland

Today, I tried talking to my wife about our sexless marriage. Her only response was to toss me a sock and say "Knock yourself out, fuckstick." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2013 03:08 - United States - Absecon

Today, my boyfriend took me home for the first time. His place was covered in Insane Clown Posse stuff, even the toilet bowl. He's an undercover Juggalo. FML

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By LiliK - 4/2/2017 14:00 - United Kingdom

Today, while suffering from a serious migraine. I have to cook dinner and listen to the singing of two very tone deaf individuals. I'm starting to contemplate sticking forks in my ears. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2020 05:01

Frustration level: 2000

Today, I have an incredibly high sex drive. My boyfriend doesn't. He made me throw away my, rarely used, sex toys because he's jealous of them. I wouldn't need them if we had sex more. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2011 18:20 - United States

Today, due to my lagging browser, I accidentally "liked" a status my friend made about the deterioration of her relationship. Then, the computer froze, making it impossible to "unlike" it immediately. My friend won't accept that it was a mistake. FML

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By babyeaternomnom - 30/6/2012 16:22 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I caught my elderly neighbour skinny-dipping in my pool. FML

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By Cathy - 14/12/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, my husband was choosing an auto insurance. Geico was $500 and Allstate was $200. He chose Geico because it had a 'cute little lizard.' FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2019 12:07 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, a customer asked me if I was English, because I was struggling to understand what he saying. I said yes. He then called me a liar, and said I must be "one of them Polish immigrants." Oh, and he also had a thick Scottish accent. FML

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By MickeyDManager - 3/8/2009 15:08 - United States

Today, I found out that the girl I tutored in high school in basic ENGLISH just received her PhD in Biophysics. I am now the manager of a McDonald's. I was also the Valedictorian of our graduating class. FML

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By disgruntled stepdaughter - 6/3/2013 19:11 - United States - Reno

Today, my step-mom stole over $100 in cash from me, dumped dirty cat litter all over my clean bed sheets, and called me a whore for having a polite conversation with my boyfriend. I confronted my father about it. He told me to forgive her, because she's "on her period." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2017 18:00

Today, my wife is threatening divorce because I won't hire her son, my stepson, at the company I work at. Even the lowest position at my company requires a degree in computing, and prior experience. My stepson dropped out of high school to "discover himself" 12 years ago. FML

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By FarewellRalphs - 24/5/2017 20:00

Today, I went grocery shopping with my grandmother. Our bagger offered to help load our groceries, to which my grandmother replied, "Oh, what a nice young colored boy." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2011 23:43 - United States

Today, my friends staged an intervention. I'm not on drugs, I'm not an alcoholic, and I own my own house. My car is paid for and my job pays well. Apparently, I need an intervention because my life is not where they want it to be, which involves me being married with children. FML

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By so so old now - 16/9/2014 23:23 - Canada - Kamloops

Today, my co-workers threw me a surprise 30th birthday party. After lighting sparklers on the cake and singing happy birthday, we all enjoyed a few moments of sparkly, happy fun time. Then the building's fire alarm tripped and over 200 people had to be evacuated. FML

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By SMRT - 22/10/2019 06:00 - United States - Chattanooga

Geography for Dummies

Today, I had an argument with my dad about Venice being in Italy, not Spain. He wouldn't believe me, and had to Google it. He's an engineer for an aerospace company. FML

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By Slipperywhenwet - 20/1/2017 10:00

Today, I tripped over a "Caution: Slippery When Wet" floor sign and sprained my ankle. FML

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By forever damaged - 21/12/2015 04:24 - United States - Wallkill

Today, while I was working at a gas station, a man came up to the register with his zipper undone and his penis hanging out in full view. I had to awkwardly hand him his change while trying not to look or make eye contact. FML

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