Miscellaneous: Today, I took a late-night shower. When I got out afterwards,... - FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Edgecliff

Today, I took a late-night shower. When I got out afterwards, the bathroom door was ajar, and I could have sworn I heard the faint patter of footsteps in the kitchen. "It's probably the cat," I told myself. Then I went upstairs and saw my cat asleep on my bed. FML

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Instadrama

Gratitude walks

Oh, he's a "Nice Guy"

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I told my parents I wanted to try modelling. I decided that since I have such a low self-esteem, that it might benefit me, and make me feel better about myself and how I look. The first thing out of my dad's mouth was, "What? Why? You're ugly." Thanks dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Wetheringsett

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for another girl, via a text message ending with "No hard feelings. Well xcept 4 my cock obvs. ;)" Fuck you, Rick. FML

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By amie - Canada

Today, my mom said that we needed to have a family meeting because of all the issues that have been going on with our family. My mom, sister and I sat down and began to talk about everything. As I started to cry my sister looks at my mom and says "I win!". She bet my mom $20 that I would cry. FML

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By omgitserika - United States

Today, I thought my online boyfriend was calling me, so the first line I said was "Hey, Baby." His wife answered with, "This is Jenny. Who's this?" After speaking for thirty minutes, I found out he's married, fifty-eight, and has two kids. I'm seventeen. FML

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By ripmyphone - United States - Glen Allen

Today, while I was walking across a bridge, a prepubescent middle schooler grabbed my phone from my hand and threw it into the water. His friend filmed it, high-fived him, and they both ran off. I got that phone less than a week ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend was such a coward that instead of breaking up with me, he changed his phone number. FML

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By stinky car - United States - Bessemer

Today, I went on a new medicine. One of the listed side-effects was "anal seepage" and I spent the better part of the day laughing with my coworkers about how it's "not a real side-effect". I found out that it really is while stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the way home. FML

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By FakeID - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. When the police officer approached me and asked for license and registration, I accidentally gave him my fake I.D. FML

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By muscalata

Today, my girlfriend sent a text asking if I think she’s pretty. I replied "Yes, of course!" She then got mad and blocked me. Turns out she'd said "petty". FML

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By Anonymous

Almost done

Today, as I was trying to have some “self pleasure” time, my cat, WHO NEVER CUDDLES WITH ME, decides to come up and sit on my thigh. FML

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By talker - United States - Middletown

Today, I discovered both how much I really talk to myself when I'm drinking alone and how thin the walls of my apartment are. I heard my own slurred voice coming from my neighbor's apartment. They had recorded me and made a mixtape of some of the more interesting things I had said. FML

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By Franklin

Size isn't everything!

Today, I attempted to threaten my daughter's boyfriend to keep him from breaking her heart. I am a 230-pound former soldier. He is a karate black belt. My family watched me get beat up by a 120-pound teenager. FML

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By nipped - Australia

Today, I thought it would be fun to tease my dog by standing above her and hitting each of her paws repeatedly. My dog thought it would be fun to jump up and bite at my chest whilst I wasn't wearing a shirt. I just spent four hours in hospital getting my nipple sewn back on. FML

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By coolest_mom

Today, while changing my daughter's diaper, I lifted up her butt to wipe her, which coincidentally caused her to fart. I hadn't wiped her yet so the force of air caused poop to fly at me at high speed, landing on my chest and face. My husband burst out laughing, saying, "You've been ass-blasted!" FML

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By harrassment101 - United States

Today, at work a female co-worker was struggling with a stack of boxes in her hands. Her pantyhose was falling down and she asked me to help her. So I pulled up her pantyhose. When I looked up, she had a horrified look on her face. She was asking me to help her hold the boxes. FML

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By

Today, while working at a grocery store, I spent about 30 minutes pushing carts inside in a blizzard. Not even 10 minutes after I had finished, I looked out the window and saw that not only had the snow completely stopped, but the sun was shining. FML

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By buttuglyforeveralone :( - United Kingdom - Treharris

Today, my step-dad tried to talk me into getting plastic surgery. His reasoning: "Let's face it, 28 and single? Look, I know your mum gave you shitty genes, but that's no excuse to avoid fixing your face, honey." FML

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By Septy - Spain - M?laga

Today, my sick semi-delusional boyfriend, whom I've been taking care of for days, accused me of trying to poison him so that I could play World of Warcraft. FML

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By cookiecutter8 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, a guy started complimenting me and calling me beautiful. Halfway through, he burst out laughing and said he couldn't do it. Who needs self confidence, anyway? FML

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By Heretique - Norway

Today, we had to evaluate each other in class. Apparently I'm a quarrelsome, uncommitted, commanding bitch. FML

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By Reggie

Today, my mom won the lottery. My biological mom who I only met last year, after 33 years of not knowing who she was. She is sharing her millions with her kids, but that doesn't include me as I "don't count". FML

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By TheNoseKnows - United States - Bronx

Fair Warning

Today, while sitting in a bar, I offered to buy the drunk chick sitting next to me a drink. She was a lot more inebriated than I thought, because she looked at me with bloodshot eyes and cheerfully responded, "There's a rotten smell in my vagina!" FML

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By m0r0n - 20/10/2020 20:00 - United States - Cleveland

Cancer sucks

Today, like most days, I awoke from a dream where my hair was long again. This time, it was in the way while I was trying to drink water from a fountain. I lost my hair from chemo; it's slowly growing back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spencer

Today, my 15-year-old birth daughter asked if I've ever had sex. FML

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By madseason - United States

Today, I confronted my girlfriend about cheating on me. Her response was that it's not cheating since she is getting paid. FML

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By pantless - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was written up for being late to work. I was late because somebody in my dorm stole my pants. All of them. FML

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By Laughluv - United States

Today, I realized that I have been playing a little too much Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. I realized this when I was watching a youtube video and there was someone walking in the background who I impulsively tried to gun down and kill by moving my mouse over him and clicking repeatedly. FML

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By tbeemcgeebee - United States

Today, at 2 am on a Saturday, I purposely updated my Facebook status from my iPod so people will see that I posted from a 'mobile device' and think I'm out at a bar having a life, instead of sitting at home on my bed watching movies on my Netflix. FML

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By Funyearahead - United States - Red Bank

Today, I found out that my new roommate likes to put candy on the floor, let ants crawl all over it, and eats it. Ants and all. FML

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By brylynn - United States

Today, I fainted during my sister's wedding because my dress was too tight. When I woke up, she slapped me hard across the face. Why? Because I "took all the attention away" from her. FML

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By im_a_mocker - United States

Today, I decided to make a toaster scramble. I thought it was bad enough when the pastry fell through the grate in the toaster over. Then it burst into flames. After 5 minutes of fanning the smoke away from the smoke detector, it still went off. Now my entire dorm building is outside in a snowstorm. FML

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By fieldmarshalclitter - United States

Today, to scare my little brother I dressed up as the killer from the Scream movies. The outfit was a little too long on me, and I ended up falling down the stairs. Not only was he doubled over laughing, but so were the people in the emergency room. FML

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By TalkDirtyToMe - New Zealand

Today, I finally worked up the nerve to talk dirty to my boyfriend, after he promised not to laugh at me. All seemed well, until I heard laughter. It wasn't him, though; it was his family listening from the other room. FML

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By slashteddy - United States

Today, at work, I was on my break when I had to use the bathroom. I was on the toilet taking a dump when the door latch loosened and the door swung open. The little girl standing there took one look and screamed. Security busted in. My pants were still down. FML

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By imsorrytimmy - United Kingdom

Today, I was on MSN with my friend and my 9 year old brother. My friend asked me for some advice about how to give a guy a good blowjob. I went into great detail, and then realised that I had typed it to the wrong window. I gave my little brother tips on how to perform fellatio. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2020 14:00

Lightweight

Today, I have a hangover. From one small glass of pink Cava. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, my boyfriend moved. He moved from my room... to my housemate's room. FML

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By canabana - Canada

Today, I spent 3 hours trying to close a simple $400 deal with a homeowner. He spent 3 hours telling me about his life story including his marital problems, his philosophical views of the world, AND he read me 20 pages of haiku poems. Only 3 hours later did he tell me he couldn't accept my deal. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally proposed. His reason? A Las Vegas wedding came up on Groupon. FML

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By cheated - United States

Today, I had sex with my fiancée. My panties fell behind the bed. Later, when I went to get them, I found three other pairs. Only one pair was mine. FML

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Top comments

By Joshery | 14

#6149545 - Saturday 20 December 2014 23:52

Maybe it ran upstairs before you saw it in the bedroom

By MzZombicidal | 36

#6149546 - Saturday 20 December 2014 23:52

Only valid action is to hide under the sheets. Nothing can get you there. :P

But seriously, I'd call the cops. You can never be too careful!

COMMENTS

By Despereaux | 15

#6149533 - Saturday 20 December 2014 23:50

Time to call the exorcist.

Reply

bringmethesmiles | 18

#6149544 - Saturday 20 December 2014 23:52

no, call Sam and Dean Winchester!

Reply

DARKDAY07 | 16

#6149590 - Sunday 21 December 2014 0:27

#4 you are amazing

Reply

TheMalygos | 21

#6149594 - Sunday 21 December 2014 0:30

Moving to fuckthatshitville

Reply

anonymous100000 | 17

#6149787 - Sunday 21 December 2014 5:00

time to hop on the nope train and move OP!

Reply

joeyl2008 | 29

#6149845 - Sunday 21 December 2014 6:02

get the Winchesters on it

Reply

Ichiya | 29

#6149930 - Sunday 21 December 2014 8:07

or an exterminator you have a rodent problem.

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6150493 - Sunday 21 December 2014 20:37

*Plays Psycho shower theme music*

Reply

Cilg1244 | 17

#6156062 - Sunday 28 December 2014 5:27

Call the Ghostbusters

By sarah5745 | 41

#6149535 - Saturday 20 December 2014 23:50

Call the cops, hopefully it wasn't anything bad..

Reply

15Erik | 21

#6149913 - Sunday 21 December 2014 7:32

Since it's Aussieland, it could've been some giant spider...

By addictedtojuice | 8

#6149542 - Saturday 20 December 2014 23:51

I would've pissed myself tbh

Reply

Ki11erC | 18

#6150311 - Sunday 21 December 2014 17:44

Laughing at how childish people are?

Reply

coried91 | 28

#6150326 - Sunday 21 December 2014 17:57

^ what? I'm trying to figure out how your comment relates to the comment you're responding to.

By Joshery | 14

#6149545 - Saturday 20 December 2014 23:52

Maybe it ran upstairs before you saw it in the bedroom

Reply

annarcheer | 19

#6149564 - Sunday 21 December 2014 0:02

that's true. cats are very sneaky!

Reply

1R1X0X0 | 10

#6149601 - Sunday 21 December 2014 0:39

Cats usually take their time before getting comfy in a place.. But I hope for Op that it was the cat ..

By MzZombicidal | 36

#6149546 - Saturday 20 December 2014 23:52

Only valid action is to hide under the sheets. Nothing can get you there. :P

But seriously, I'd call the cops. You can never be too careful!

Reply

IMcPwn | 12

#6156506 - Sunday 28 December 2014 19:07

Obviously yes you can be too careful. If you wear bubble wrap with you everywhere you have something wrong with you.

By DocBastard | 38

#6149550 - Saturday 20 December 2014 23:53

Walk into the light! Straight into the light! No wait...stay away from the light. Yeah, AWAY from the light! Wait wait...

Oh fuck, I can't remember.

Reply

froggyjade | 16

#6149658 - Sunday 21 December 2014 1:59

That was wierd

Reply

Jellybellybeanz | 22

#6149683 - Sunday 21 December 2014 2:38

A DocBastard comment in the negatives??? Amazing!

Reply

SHAMUS_the_WITTY | 18

#6149692 - Sunday 21 December 2014 2:51

This is one for the history books.

Reply

Allornone | 35

#6149789 - Sunday 21 December 2014 5:01

sometimes great minds are misunderstood

Reply

mete_orito | 34

#6149835 - Sunday 21 December 2014 5:56

I think it is away from the light Doc. If you walk into the light, you are dead.

Reply

MzZombicidal | 36

#6149929 - Sunday 21 December 2014 7:48

No, no, no. You walk AROUND the light. Duh! :P

Reply

Ichiya | 29

#6149931 - Sunday 21 December 2014 8:08

Throw a rock at the light. You are trying to sleep.

Reply

derpina72 | 23

#6150864 - Monday 22 December 2014 6:32

In case some people didn't catch it, this is a reference to the movie Poltergeist.

By Kazze | 31

#6149551 - Saturday 20 December 2014 23:53

Maybe it was Santa delivering your presents early.

Reply

DorLeon | 14

#6149706 - Sunday 21 December 2014 3:15

santa who opened bathroom door while OP is taking shower? it is a pervert santa then :D

Reply

okay17 | 7

#6149862 - Sunday 21 December 2014 6:12

#43, he wanted to see if she was being naughty with herself.

Reply

Ichiya | 29

#6149932 - Sunday 21 December 2014 8:09

Santa watches kids sleep...and even watches them bathe. He is a weirdo.

Reply

Hesitantalien | 17

#6150799 - Monday 22 December 2014 5:20

Perv/pedo santa geez

By iTzSelverZz | 14

#6149557 - Saturday 20 December 2014 23:56

Maybe the ghost who is haunting your house just went to get mid-night snack

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#6149558 - Saturday 20 December 2014 23:57

cold temperatures make wood Crack & make noises, find a logical reason & you'll forget about horror ideas

Reply

skyjayq | 10

#6149907 - Sunday 21 December 2014 7:26

I don't think it gets too cold in australia

Reply

gallifreyanqueen | 10

#6149922 - Sunday 21 December 2014 7:44

Depending on where in Australia you live it can get quite cold #68, but right now it's summer in those areas.

Reply

THswagPLAYA | 1

#7390917 - Wednesday 18 January 2017 4:42

listen to this guy

By natheitz | 23

#6149563 - Sunday 21 December 2014 0:01

I want to know what actually happened next

Reply

d123454321b | 14

#6149568 - Sunday 21 December 2014 0:09

Me too, this could make for a great horror story!

Reply

tehdarkness | 21

#6149667 - Sunday 21 December 2014 2:16

Ill bet nothing happened. Most likely the door was never completely shut, and the footsteps were imagination.

Reply

Branlamb | 14

#6149819 - Sunday 21 December 2014 5:41

I wonder if she survived :o

Reply

badluckalex | 23

#6149866 - Sunday 21 December 2014 6:18

paranormal activity 7?