Today, I took a late-night shower. When I got out afterwards,... - FML

By Anonymous - 20/12/2014 14:41 - Australia - Edgecliff

Today, I took a late-night shower. When I got out afterwards, the bathroom door was ajar, and I could have sworn I heard the faint patter of footsteps in the kitchen. "It's probably the cat," I told myself. Then I went upstairs and saw my cat asleep on my bed. FML

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Great boyfriend

Goodbye Bill

Yappy neighborhood

By failure - 10/10/2013 14:11 - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, my boss brought her cat to work. At one point, I looked up and everyone was staring at me staring at the cat's asshole. FML

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By jobless - 13/2/2011 05:31 - United States

Today, I discovered out of the 20 job applications only one job called me for an interview. They told me to leave after two sentences. FML

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By sadass - 23/1/2009 12:04 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend told me that my feet smell. He was in the next room at the time. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2012 10:52 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my pregnant girlfriend gave me back the ring I'd used to propose with a week ago. Her reason? She only said yes because she was worried the real father of the baby wasn't going to stick around. FML

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By keelah - 27/6/2014 21:57 - United States - Montgomery

Today, my cousin asked me what it's like to be so fat. I chastised him and said that was a rude thing to ask. He apologized, then asked me what it's like to be such a pussy. He didn't stop until he, a 10 year old kid, had reduced me, a 26 year old woman, to tears. FML

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By anon - 14/1/2013 03:00 - United States - Dublin

Today, I walked into my mother's house to find that she had knitted clothes for some of the household appliances. The toaster was wearing a dress. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2018 08:00 - United States - Macon

Today, as I was pulling into work at 15 weeks pregnant, I projectile vomit all over myself and my vehicle. I had an emotional breakdown as I went back home, and called my boss to let him know I would not be in that day. I am now looking for a new job. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2015 16:30 - United States - Kansas City

Today, after paying a job coach a load of money for his services, pretty much the only advice he gave me was "Send out more résumés." FML

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By lovergirl - 27/7/2017 12:00 - United States - Orem

Off to a good start!

Today, I received an email from a potential employer with an awesome job opportunity. I was so excited, I immediately went to forward the email to my husband. My email included a lot of "I love you" and "we are going to celebrate tonight ;)". In my excitement, I hit reply instead of forward. FML

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By HannaMD - 26/1/2015 15:21 - Canada

Today, my cat had the bright idea of giving birth in the dryer, on top of all my new white towels. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, while I was driving out of the student parking lot I saw people laughing. Then the old security lady yelled for me to stop. She told me my books were on the top of my car but one had already fallen off. I looked in my rearview mirror and saw all of my school papers flying everywhere. FML

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By pinpin - 13/11/2008 11:39 - France

Today, I helped my son do his maths homework. He got a C and won’t talk to me anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2018 15:00

Today, after 38 years of never meeting my dad, and paying a private investigator thousands of pounds over several weeks of searching, I found him living 2 floors down in the same block of flats. He’s the grouchy downstairs neighbour I’ve hated for 6 years. FML

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By running scared - 8/4/2016 09:40 - Norway

Today, I found out that my violent ex has moved to my country for the sole purpose of tracking me down. I know this because my former boss called and told me she gave him my address. She loves the idea of us getting back together because, "You are such a cute couple!" FML

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By Rella - 15/12/2018 03:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were in the 69 position with me on top and as we changed positions, and I turned to face him, I saw toilet paper on his face that he didn't seem to notice and that I casually had to wipe off his face. FML

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By qtpieo1 - 13/8/2010 16:14 - United States

Today, I was at the pool with two boys I baby sit. The eldest wouldn't get out of the pool so I pretended to call his dad. He then ran out of the pool, pushed me down, grabbed my phone, chucked it into the pool and then ran back into the pool. FML

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By Noname - 14/2/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, I bought some flowers. As I was checking out, the cashier asked, "Aww, these for your mom? How sweet." I responded they were for a girl I liked. She laughed and said, "Sorry..." FML

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By subduedbeast - 27/10/2014 18:48 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend for what I thought would be a romantic horse-drawn carriage ride. We didn't expect the horse to die in the middle of it. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2019 20:07

Today, I spilled grape juice on my new white shirt. I bleached it and scrubbed it until there was nothing left to see. I threw it on, ready to dart out of the door, when my dad walks in after fixing the lawnmower and puts his greasy hand right on my shoulder. FML

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By appendicitisanyone - 28/12/2016 17:44 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I awoke to the pain of appendicitis. Apparently it isn't a good enough reason to miss court. I now have a warrant out for my arrest. FML

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By PrinceOfBritain - 14/5/2015 02:41 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I was walking my dog through a park with a lake. My dog was swimming in said lake, and then appeared to be having trouble keeping his head up. I put my phone and keys on the ground and waded to my dog. He was fine, but I turned around in time to see someone run off with my stuff. FML

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By anonymous - 18/1/2012 05:06 - United States

Today, I discovered that my new landlords must meet and approve guests of mine before they come over, and guests are not allowed when they aren't home or past 11pm. I'm 25 years old and just moved out of my parents' home to get away from my controlling mother. FML

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By French - 24/10/2013 12:52 - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I taught my girlfriend some French. She then used her newfound language to break up with me. FML

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By firstdate - 24/1/2010 19:32 - United States

Today, I was on my first date with my crush. When I saw her, I greeted her with, "Hey, sweetheart." She's convinced I said, "Hey, retard." FML

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By IPicasso - 27/3/2017 00:00

Today, my brother sent me over a dozen screenshots from his phone, because he couldn't work out why it wasn't capturing all the paint he'd managed to smear on the screen. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2009 03:15 - United States

Today, I called my husband during my lunch to tell him that I wanted to go out tonight for my birthday. We got in argument because he said we couldn't afford it. When I got home from work, he was gone, so I called his cell to see where he went. Answer: to the bar with his friends. FML

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By hateskool888581 - 12/1/2010 00:28 - Mexico

Today, I went to a nearby nightclub with some friends and the girl I've been flirting for weeks. We were having a good time until this girl and two of her friends got back complaining about some "drunk-old-perverts harassing them". It looks like my dad and his friends are having a good time too. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2010 04:36 - United States

Today, I discovered the piggy bank I made a Facebook account for has more friends than me. It has 12. FML

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By agnosticstudy - 28/1/2009 21:53 - United States

Today, all three of my meals consisted of 2 hot pockets. FML

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By annoyed - 28/9/2012 00:41 - United States - Houston

Today, my mother texted me that she was in labor. She never told me she was pregnant. Apparently she's engaged too. FML

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By pea - 12/9/2011 18:32 - United States

Today, I had a lady come in to order a pizza. She wanted to use a free delivery coupon. After telling her several times that she couldn't use a free delivery coupon, unless she was having the pizza delivered, she told me I have horrible people skills. FML

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By student101 - 26/3/2014 03:37 - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, I got a history project back that I worked very hard on. The teacher didn't bother to write any feedback, besides, "Did you even understand the assignment?" on the back. FML

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By lady parts - 27/10/2014 23:05 - United States - Lake Bluff

Today, I was being interviewed for a grant over the phone. When asked why I wanted to go to school to be an OB nursing assistant, I panicked and yelled, "BECAUSE VAGINAS ARE FASCINATING!" into the receiver. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2009 22:38 - United States

Today, for my birthday, someone left a big bottle of mouth wash on my desk with a big bow on it. FML

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By Z'ev - 5/4/2013 16:34 - United States - New York

Today, I went to get my car fixed. There was a vending machine in the waiting room, and I was hungry. The snacks were overpriced, but I still had a little money left over. I noticed a bag of Cheetos hanging loose, so I paid for them, hoping to get two bags. They both got stuck. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2018 01:30

Today, my phone went missing. My 8-year-old son took it to school and sold it for $10. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2014 16:44 - United States - Rome

Today, I was singing in my dorm. When I left a little later, a cute guy came up to me and asked if I was the girl who'd been singing. I proudly said yes. He replied, "Good thing you finally shut the fuck up!" and walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2013 04:38 - United States

Today, I nervously started a new job, and my co-workers were telling me silly rules about our boss. Later, I accidentally bumped into him, and blurted "Rule #7, don't touch George." He definitely heard. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2013 16:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend and I finally watched Toy Story 3; I ended up crying when the toys almost die. After the movie, my girlfriend broke up with me because I embarrassed her. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2014 15:30 - United States - Gloucester

Today, I was taking a customer's order, when she said she'd better go for a salad, because she was getting fat. She was actually very slim, so I told her she wasn't fat at all. She took one look at me and snorted "Yeah, not compared to you, that's for sure." FML

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Top comments

By Joshery | 14

#6149545 - Saturday 20 December 2014 23:52

Maybe it ran upstairs before you saw it in the bedroom

By MzZombicidal | 36

#6149546 - Saturday 20 December 2014 23:52

Only valid action is to hide under the sheets. Nothing can get you there. :P

But seriously, I'd call the cops. You can never be too careful!

COMMENTS

By Despereaux | 15

#6149533 - Saturday 20 December 2014 23:50

Time to call the exorcist.

Reply

bringmethesmiles | 18

#6149544 - Saturday 20 December 2014 23:52

no, call Sam and Dean Winchester!

Reply

DARKDAY07 | 16

#6149590 - Sunday 21 December 2014 0:27

#4 you are amazing

Reply

TheMalygos | 21

#6149594 - Sunday 21 December 2014 0:30

Moving to fuckthatshitville

Reply

anonymous100000 | 17

#6149787 - Sunday 21 December 2014 5:00

time to hop on the nope train and move OP!

Reply

joeyl2008 | 29

#6149845 - Sunday 21 December 2014 6:02

get the Winchesters on it

Reply

Ichiya | 29

#6149930 - Sunday 21 December 2014 8:07

or an exterminator you have a rodent problem.

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6150493 - Sunday 21 December 2014 20:37

*Plays Psycho shower theme music*

Reply

Cilg1244 | 17

#6156062 - Sunday 28 December 2015 5:27

Call the Ghostbusters

By sarah5745 | 41

#6149535 - Saturday 20 December 2014 23:50

Call the cops, hopefully it wasn't anything bad..

Reply

15Erik | 21

#6149913 - Sunday 21 December 2014 7:32

Since it's Aussieland, it could've been some giant spider...

By addictedtojuice | 8

#6149542 - Saturday 20 December 2014 23:51

I would've pissed myself tbh

Reply

Ki11erC | 18

#6150311 - Sunday 21 December 2014 17:44

Laughing at how childish people are?

Reply

coried91 | 28

#6150326 - Sunday 21 December 2014 17:57

^ what? I'm trying to figure out how your comment relates to the comment you're responding to.

By Joshery | 14

#6149545 - Saturday 20 December 2014 23:52

Maybe it ran upstairs before you saw it in the bedroom

Reply

annarcheer | 19

#6149564 - Sunday 21 December 2014 0:02

that's true. cats are very sneaky!

Reply

1R1X0X0 | 10

#6149601 - Sunday 21 December 2014 0:39

Cats usually take their time before getting comfy in a place.. But I hope for Op that it was the cat ..

By MzZombicidal | 36

#6149546 - Saturday 20 December 2014 23:52

Only valid action is to hide under the sheets. Nothing can get you there. :P

But seriously, I'd call the cops. You can never be too careful!

Reply

IMcPwn | 12

#6156506 - Sunday 28 December 2015 19:07

Obviously yes you can be too careful. If you wear bubble wrap with you everywhere you have something wrong with you.

By DocBastard | 38

#6149550 - Saturday 20 December 2014 23:53

Walk into the light! Straight into the light! No wait...stay away from the light. Yeah, AWAY from the light! Wait wait...

Oh fuck, I can't remember.

Reply

froggyjade | 16

#6149658 - Sunday 21 December 2014 1:59

That was wierd

Reply

Jellybellybeanz | 22

#6149683 - Sunday 21 December 2014 2:38

A DocBastard comment in the negatives??? Amazing!

Reply

SHAMUS_the_WITTY | 18

#6149692 - Sunday 21 December 2014 2:51

This is one for the history books.

Reply

Allornone | 35

#6149789 - Sunday 21 December 2014 5:01

sometimes great minds are misunderstood

Reply

mete_orito | 34

#6149835 - Sunday 21 December 2014 5:56

I think it is away from the light Doc. If you walk into the light, you are dead.

Reply

MzZombicidal | 36

#6149929 - Sunday 21 December 2014 7:48

No, no, no. You walk AROUND the light. Duh! :P

Reply

Ichiya | 29

#6149931 - Sunday 21 December 2014 8:08

Throw a rock at the light. You are trying to sleep.

Reply

derpina72 | 23

#6150864 - Monday 22 December 2014 6:32

In case some people didn't catch it, this is a reference to the movie Poltergeist.

By Kazze | 31

#6149551 - Saturday 20 December 2014 23:53

Maybe it was Santa delivering your presents early.

Reply

DorLeon | 14

#6149706 - Sunday 21 December 2014 3:15

santa who opened bathroom door while OP is taking shower? it is a pervert santa then :D

Reply

okay17 | 7

#6149862 - Sunday 21 December 2014 6:12

#43, he wanted to see if she was being naughty with herself.

Reply

Ichiya | 29

#6149932 - Sunday 21 December 2014 8:09

Santa watches kids sleep...and even watches them bathe. He is a weirdo.

Reply

Hesitantalien | 17

#6150799 - Monday 22 December 2014 5:20

Perv/pedo santa geez

By iTzSelverZz | 14

#6149557 - Saturday 20 December 2014 23:56

Maybe the ghost who is haunting your house just went to get mid-night snack

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#6149558 - Saturday 20 December 2014 23:57

cold temperatures make wood Crack & make noises, find a logical reason & you'll forget about horror ideas

Reply

skyjayq | 10

#6149907 - Sunday 21 December 2014 7:26

I don't think it gets too cold in australia

Reply

gallifreyanqueen | 10

#6149922 - Sunday 21 December 2014 7:44

Depending on where in Australia you live it can get quite cold #68, but right now it's summer in those areas.

Reply

THswagPLAYA | 1

#7390917 - Wednesday 18 January 2017 4:42

listen to this guy

By natheitz | 23

#6149563 - Sunday 21 December 2014 0:01

I want to know what actually happened next

Reply

d123454321b | 14

#6149568 - Sunday 21 December 2014 0:09

Me too, this could make for a great horror story!

Reply

tehdarkness | 21

#6149667 - Sunday 21 December 2014 2:16

Ill bet nothing happened. Most likely the door was never completely shut, and the footsteps were imagination.

Reply

Branlamb | 14

#6149819 - Sunday 21 December 2014 5:41

I wonder if she survived :o

Reply

badluckalex | 23

#6149866 - Sunday 21 December 2014 6:18

paranormal activity 7?